Original subtitles

MALCOLM: This is the world--

196 million square miles.

If I covered 100 square miles an hour

every hour for the rest of my life

I'd still only see half of it.

(squeaking)

This is the left nostril of my brother Reese.

It squeaks all night long.

These are the freezing cold feet

of my little brother... Dewey.

This is my oldest brother Francis.

He's the one I really like

so, of course, he got sent to military school.

My name is Malcolm.

You want to know what the best thing

about childhood is?

At some point, it stops.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

WOMAN (singing with radio): * It's your thing

* Do what you wanna do...

Malcolm, Reese, Dewey, get in here!

* I can't tell you who to sock it to *

* Who to sock it to...

No, stop! I'm not touching...

There's only two toaster waffles.

One of you has to have cereal.

It's mine!

Come on!

Give it!

You cheated!

Give it! Give it!

Huh, look at this.

They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus

and letting a bunch of schoolchildren name it.

Well, that's going to end badly.

They do this every month.

He has sensitive skin.

The hair gets itchy under his clothes.

It always seems like such a shame

to just dump this in the trash.

Maybe birds would like to make nests with it

or, I don't know, maybe you boys could use it for school projects.

Arms up.

Malcolm, come right home from school.

Dude.

Malcolm, you come right home from school today.

I made a play date for you with Stevie Kenarban

and you have to take a bath.

What? Mom, no!

Malcolm has a play date?!

Shut up, Reese!

With Stevie "The Wheelie" Kenarban?

Oh, man!

Why is playing a problem for you?

First off,

I don't even know Stevie. I saw his mother

at the grocery story. She said you boys ate lunch together.

One time.

He rolled his wheelchair over next to me.

It's not like I couldn't say, "go away."

He's not even in my class.

He's in the Krelboyne class

in the trailer next to tetherball.

You listen to me, young man.

That one lunch obviously meant a lot to Stevie.

He's a human being with human feelings.

Now, you are going to be friends with that crippled boy

and you are going to like it. Understood?

Yes, ma'am. Understood.

If I give up now, I won't get the lecture.

You kids... Dang.

You just take your legs for granted, you know?

Like nothing could ever happen to them. Well, let me tell you something.

That is just wishful thinking.

There's meningitis. There are car accidents.

I could be giving you a spanking

and accidentally snap your spinal cord.

Every day is a lottery

and first prize is that you don't have to scoot

yourself around town on a skateboard with your hands.

You think about that.

I don't take my legs for granted, Mom.

I know, honey, you're a good boy.

Stop playing with yourself.

(boys arguing)

Go on, just go.

LOIS: No, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, okay, okay, I ran out of ham.

One of you has to have egg salad, okay?

And don't ditch your little brother.

I don't want him getting kidnapped.

Yeah, Mom, that would be terrible.

It's your turn to walk with him.

I walked him yesterday and the day before.

I walked with him when he wet his pants.

Okay.

Mom said to hold hands.

She did not say to hold hands, Dewey.

I'm not holding hands.

Come on, hold hands. Please?

No! You're in the first grade.

You're too big for that.

Look, I'm walking right next to you.

You'll be fine.

Damn it! This is why everyone teases you.

Hey, Malcolm.

Hey, Richard.

So my mom was telling my dad last night

about your brother.

She said he's in jail.

He's not in jail.

He's at Marlin Academy.

It's, like, one of the best private schools in the country

and it's totally unfair.

Everyone acts like Francis is just this big troublemaker

and he's not.

Dad, I know what you're going to say

and believe me, I totally agree with you.

There is no excuse for what I did.

It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless

and I'm really sorry.

I'm just... I'm hoping against hope

that you will give me another chance, which, I admit

I don't deserve

but if you could just find it in your heart

to forgive me

I know I could earn your trust back.

It's not like it was even our car.

Spath, Spath, Spath!

Spath: All right,

Here's how it works.

You can beg for mercy on your belly

lick the bottom of my shoes

or take a beating.

You must pick at least two

but... but-but, if you pick three

you get a pass for the next two weeks.

All right?

Now, that's your best value.

MALCOLM: Dave Spath.

He never gets sent anywhere.

What do you do if he catches you?

Roll in a ball.

What if he starts kicking you?

Stay in a ball.

Okay. Come on.

(kids yelling)

Wait.

Never mind.

(kids continue yelling)

WOMAN: Those of you finished with your tempera paints

may bring your work up here

and start on your charcoal still lifes.

You may take two pieces of fruit only

and please be careful with them.

I bought them with my own money.

My own money.

God, Malcolm, that's so good.

Oh, Malcolm, this is wonderful.

The perspective is good.

The composition is clean

and it even shows signs of actual technique.

I have to say this is the high point of my day.

(laughs)

How's that for sad?

(squishing)

Are you okay?

Um, yeah, I'm fine.

TEACHER: Malcolm.

What?

They need to see you in the office.

Okay.

I think they mean right now.

Okay.

Get up, Malcolm.

(kids' laughter echoing)

Hi. I'm Caroline.

Want to have a seat?

Are you Malcolm?

Yes, and I didn't do anything.

You're not in trouble, Malcolm.

You're here 'cause some of your teachers

think you're, um... you know what?

I just want to play some games with you.

Okay? Puzzles, stuff like that. Why?

Boy, oh, boy

you are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you?

Okay. Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds

and I want you to tell me

everything that's wrong with it, okay?

The man only has four fingers.

Right, but this time

I want you to take your time and really look...

The car shadow's going the wrong way,

the steering wheel's on the wrong side,

there's no brake pedal,

the words in the mirror should be backwards,

the guy's watch wouldn't say 12:00

if he's looking at a sunset

and I have red paint on my ass.

That's right.

Red paint all over my ass!

(intro to "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" playing)

* I'm coming home, I've done my time... *

These are good cookies.

(breathy): Yeah... they're good.

* If you received my letter telling you... *

So what can you do?

I mean, what do you want to do?

I know... a joke.

Yeah? Okay.

A guy...

goes into...

a bar...

and he...

has a... frog

on his...

Frog on his head.

And the... bartender...

Wait, I screwed up.

A frog...

goes into... a bar.

You want to watch TV?

Can't. Not allowed.

What? You mean, ever?

Mom says...

TV makes you...

stupid.

No, TV makes you normal.

How can they do that?

He's in a wheelchair.

So what do you do all day, homework?

Mostly... read... comics.

You have comic books?

Whoa!

You really have Youngblood, number one?

Want to... read it?

No way. I'd wreck it.

Oh... did you read the last Savage Dragon

when they split him in two?

Yeah. Brilliant.

I like how he never has to learn a lesson or anything.

He just gets to pound on everyone.

ROBOTIC VOICE: You're under galactic arrest.

MAN: Think again, space flatfoot.

ROBOTIC VOICE: You cannot escape.

Saturday morning is the only thing

my family does better than anyone else.

Damn!

You boys, you keep this house clean

till your dad comes home.

Two of you can have slices of pizza for lunch.

The other one can have...

I don't know. I think they're peas.

(phone ringing)

Somebody get that.

Not it. Not it.

Hello.

Young master Malcolm.

Francis, hi.

Hey, man,

I wrote you guys a really long letter yesterday,

but, listen, they only gave me, like, three minutes,

so would you put the special prosecutor on?

Mom, it's Francis.

Hey, Francis, how's school?

Oh, couldn't be better, Mom.

My new roommate showed me how to kill mice

with a hammer yesterday, so, you know, between that

and the general atmosphere of simmering homoeroticism,

I think I'm really starting to turn around.

Honey, it's only until summer.

Come on, push it!

Give it up, prom date.

Yeah, listen, um... I know I shouldn't ask,

but would you be able

to send me my allowance, like, a couple weeks early

'cause I kind of need some...?

Oh, my God! Are you smoking?

What? I can hear you smoking.

You're smoking, aren't you?

Mom, I'm not smoking. Geez.

After seeing the anguish

your father and I went through to quit,

didn't any of that register with you?

Okay, listen.

I'll talk to your dad.

Maybe we can send you part of it.

Honey, I have to go.

I'm late for work.

I'll call you later.

Okay, thanks, Mom. I love you.

(dial tone)

Oh... I love you.

(doorbell rings)

Somebody get the door!

I'm not getting it. You get it, butt-munch.

Shut up. You shut up.

No, you shut up! Make me!

I'll make you right now!

You'd better not be fighting in there, Reese, Malcolm.

Not my face!

I said you'd better not be fighting in...

(doorbell rings)

For crying out loud.

Reese! Malcolm!

Yes. Can I help you?

Oh. My good... um, hi.

Hel... hello. I'm....

Are you...? I'm... Caroline Miller

from Malcolm's school.

I sent you some letters

and left some messages on your answering machine.

Okay, fine. You caught me. What do you want?

Um... well, it's been three weeks

and you haven't responded, and it's really important,

I mean, well, for Malcolm's sake

that the parents be as involved in...

So, what, you're here to insult my parenting skills?

No. I'm sure you're a terrific parent.

(boys yelling)

I'm here because I think

that there is a tremendous opportunity for...

Could you, you know, maybe put a top on?

They're just boobs, lady.

You see them in a mirror every morning.

And I'm sure yours are a lot nicer than mine.

That's actually not... You know what?

I'm gonna tell you something else.

The reason I didn't respond

is because it is a load of crap. What?

You are not going to stick my Malcolm

in some special ed class.

What is it with you people?

Why do you feel you have to label everybody?

Malcolm may be a little strange,

and, I know, I know, he never shuts up,

but he is not disturbed.

You know, he is a good boy...

Please!

You know what? You don't understand at all, okay?

So if I could just come in for a minute,

I could explain everything, okay?

REESE: Ow! Ow! Ow!

(china clattering)

It's good, hon.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

There's something we have to talk about.

I thought we weren't going to mention Aunt Helen

till after the biopsy. It's not that.

It's about Malcolm. I didn't do it.

Yes, he did. I saw him.

A teacher from school came by

and she ran some tests with Malcolm.

He has an IQ of 165.

Who?

Malcolm. He's a genius.

He's going to a special class.

What? Malcolm's special?

Where do you think that came from?

They have a special program for gifted children.

They have advanced textbooks and devoted teachers

and all sorts of good things they don't want to waste

on normal kids. You start on Monday.

You're going to put him in the Krelboyne class?

Mom, no! I don't want to!

What are you talking about?

Of course you want to.

No. I want to stay in my own class.

I don't want to be a Krelboyne.

Mom, seriously, Krelboynes get their butts kicked.

Just stop one minute.

There's nothing wrong with being smart.

And there's nothing wrong with being cut from the herd.

It makes you the one buffalo that isn't there

when the Indians run the rest of them off the cliff.

Huh?

Mom, this isn't fair!

If I don't want to go, why do I have to?

Because it's not just up to you.

We have to do what's best for you.

Mom, please! Don't make me go!

Please!

Malcolm, calm down. But it isn't fair!

That's right. It isn't fair.

It's the first time anyone in this family

has ever been given an edge,

and you are not going to waste it.

Dad? Honey?

Well... look, honey...

Malcolm, you see...

Oh, for crying out loud.

How come there's never any iced tea in this pitcher?

I make a fresh batch every morning;

it's gone by the time I get home.

I want a better family!

Malcolm...

Look at that.

Gone.

I don't want to go to a special class.

People think I'm weird enough already.

I know.

I like where I am. I want to stay.

Sweetie, life does not give you

a lot of chances to move up, even if you deserve it.

Look at your dad and me.

Malcolm, I'm proud of you.

You boys are so lucky.

You have so many gifts that other kids don't have.

And I just don't mean Stevie Kenarban, either.

I mean, look at those Parker boys across the street.

They may be healthy, but honest to God,

those are the ugliest little boys ever born.

They look like boiled beets, don't you think?

And those Henderson kids?

That electrocuted their dog

when they were trying to get free cable.

How smart can they be?

Just remember,

any kid who makes fun of you is a creepy little loser

who'll end up working in a car wash.

This shouldn't make me feel better, but it does.

You'll be all right, sweetie.

If you don't make a big deal out of this,

nobody else will either.

And I just can't say enough

about how proud we should all be of Malcolm

for getting into the gifted program.

Now, Malcolm may not look different than the rest of us,

but he is.

Very different.

In his brain.

And I think we should recognize him for that.

Bye.

CAROLINE: All righty,

today we are starting a new section

on the Peloponnesian War,

which I know you are all going to love.

Malcolm?

Are you okay?

Uh, yeah. Fine.

All right.

Excuse me.

Stop staring at me!

Why do they keep doing that?

You're new. Oh, great.

So I'm the freak of the freak show?

Just... chill out.

Don't tell me to chill out.

You chill out.

Nobody can live like this.

I'm okay. Oh, sure.

You're okay because it doesn't make any difference to you.

You've always been a freak.

I used to be normal.

Wait. Who just said that?

You're going to take that the wrong way, aren't you?

You...

suck.

It's so cool!

Around here, being smart is exactly like being radioactive.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Stevie?

What?

Look,

I...

Score!

(laughter)

Hey, Spath!

Why don't you stop being such a butt-wipe?!

ALL: Ooh.

What'd you call me?

You heard me!

I don't care anymore!

I just don't care, Spath, okay?

Alls you ever do is make everybody miserable!

Except for your little monkey-slaves over there.

Who, by the way,

only pretend to like you.

They hate you as much as everyone else does!

And you're just too busy being mean and stupid

to ever figure it out!

I keep trying to run, but my legs won't work.

Mom was right, they are important.

Wow.

I don't know about you,

but the Krelboyne really hurt my feelings.

(nervous laughter)

Hey...

Go away, Stevie.

It's good you two are friends.

He won't mind sharing his wheelchair.

Okay, this is where something good happens, finally.

So we're going to slow down

and make it last as long as possible.

* The possible dream

* Finale of scenes

* The moment that some call eternal *

* That some call insane.

(all gasping)

Dude, you hit a cripple.

(gasping, shouting)

I didn't mean to... I wasn't trying...

Stevie, I'm sorry!

(Stevie groaning)

Ow...

Aah...

Ow!

What's your problem?

I mean, he's in a wheelchair and he has glasses.

Do you know how bad that looks?

What's your problem?

* I've seen better days

* I've been a star of many...

So then, the principal comes out

and everyone's all talking at once.

So the story he puts together

is that Spath attacks Stevie for his lunch,

and I'm like this hero that stepped in to defend him.

It was beautiful.

Okay, it wasn't funny when Spath started crying.

No, wait, it was.

Dad's hair... ugh.

Yeah, I know. It's gross.

But, hey, if a bunch of birds

can make the best out of what they get,

then so can I. DEWEY: Malcolm?

Like having to go to special class.

I can make it work out, right?

Malcolm?

Not now!

Or my family.

We're not the greatest family in the world,

but we can get better.

I mean, it's not impossible.

Malcolm? (knocking)

What?!

Can I get out?

No! Stop asking!

So, basically, I think everything's going to be okay.

(knocking)

A bug went up my nose.

So what do you want me to do about it?