Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[TRAIN HORN HONKS]

[HORNS HONKING]

[BELLS TOLLING]

SNYDER: Mr. Gustafson, I have to talk to you.

Mr. Gustafson, will you answer the door, please?

I know you're in there.

It's no use pretending this isn't happening, Mr. Gustafson.

I can't keep coming back here every couple of days.

You have to talk to me.

Mr. Gustafson, I'm just trying to help you.

Come on, answer the door.

I'm just gonna keep knocking.

I'm gonna keep ringing the bell, so you might as well answer the door.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

We know you're in there.

Think of the neighbors, Mr. Gustafson.

There's a letter for you, Mr. Gustafson.

I suggest you read it.

- Morning, dickhead. - Hello, moron.

What are you, uh...

Never mind. Just forget it.

- Who's the guy yakking at your door? - Mind your own business.

[MOCKING TONE] "Mind your own business."

- Tie your shoelace. You'll fall. - Aw, shut up.

We're having a heat wave here.

[SINGING "HEAT WAVE"]

Somebody moving into the old Clickner place.

[MOVERS CHATTERING]

- Gee, you picked up on that, Sherlock. SNYDER: Excuse me.

I wonder if you gentlemen could tell me...

...uh, where I could find Mr. Gustafson?

No. Gustafson? No, no, sorry.

- Mr. John Gustafson? - That's right.

[MAX MUTTERING]

You mean the lowlife, ass-wipe...

...egg-sucker John Gustafson? - Oh.

Have you seen him?

Man's crazy. Loco.

Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars.

- What? - Where men take their clothes off.

Oh, for God's sake.

That's, of course, if he's taken his medication.

Medication?

Yes. Without it, he could be anywhere.

Wandering around, talking to the trees.

Believe me, this man is a menace. He's always drinking, starting fights.

Isn't that right?

- But have you seen him? - No, sorry.

I think, perhaps...

Um, no.

- No. No. - No.

If you see him...

...would you give him this and tell him he must contact...

...Mr. Snyder as soon as possible. - Yes. Uh-huh. Okay.

- Schneider. - Snyder.

That's me. It's important.

Important? Yes, sir. We'll tell him when we see him.

[MAX LAUGHS]

[JOHN LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

[GRUNTS]

- Oops. - Oh, look out!

Watch out for that ice there.

Slippery. Very slippery.

Right.

Holy moly.

[MOVERS CHATTERING]

Jesus.

[HORN HONKS]

A men's strip joint?

[CHUCKLING]

Idiot.

[JOHN GRUNTS]

Thirty days.

That's just great.

[PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]

MAN [ON TV]: Remington MicroScreen Rechargeable Shaver so much...

...I bought the company.

It shaves as close as a blade, or I'll give you your money back.

The first microscreen is so thin it shaves incredibly close.

The second even closer. Remington's American...

You should have seen Mrs. Carlson's face when he said, "It's a keeper."

Oh, cold enough for you? Brr!

Oh, shut up, fat-ass.

It's not even Thanksgiving, and here we are enjoying our lovely fall weather.

Six inches of snow on the ground already...

...with traveler's advisories in effect throughout our area tonight...

...you'd be advised to stay inside and have yourself...

...a warm, home-cooked meal.

How'd you like a clue for what's coming up this week?

It's snow, snow, and more snow.

We've got snow coming into our area all week long.

Come Sunday afternoon, another cold front...

[MOTOR REVVING OUTSIDE]

[DOG BARKING OUTSIDE]

[REVVING CONTINUES]

[GRUNTS]

What the hell?

[REVVING CONTINUES]

Holy moly.

Oh, my God.

[WHISTLES SOFTLY]

MOVER 1: Got it. MOVER 2: There we are.

MOVER 3: This up front? MOVER 4: Yeah.

[SAW BUZZING]

[JOHN LAUGHS]

You're still using that beat-up piece of firewood?

The Green Hornet's caught more fish than you've lied about, Gustafson.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- You see her? - Huh?

Drives pretty fast on that snowmobile.

- Pretty damn fast. - Yeah.

Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?

Hypothermia's a bitch.

Not quick like a stroke.

A stroke is no damn good. You could end up like a vegetable.

Give me a cardiac any day.

MAX: You know what Jacob said?

Jacob said that old Billy Hinshel was killed in a car crash.

Head-on collision with a freight truck.

Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.

Lucky bastard.

You bet.

Hey, how is he anyway?

He's dead. Died on impact.

Jacob, moron. Jacob.

Oh, ah, he's fine.

Doing real good. Real busy and everything.

But he promised to come over for Thanksgiving.

Is he really gonna run for mayor?

- Make a damn fine mayor, too. - Good thing he's his mother's son.

If he looked like you, he'd never get on the ballot.

Eat my shorts.

MOVER: Morning, Mrs. Truax. ARIEL: Morning, how you doing?

MAX: Holy moly.

MOVER: Watch your step, ma'am. ARIEL: Thank you.

[JEEP ENGINE STARTS]

Jesus Quincy Adams.

- Ha, ha. MAX: Hmm...

[DOG BARKING]

[DOOR CHIMES]

I hit the cans again.

I heard.

How is the Grinch today?

Ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

CHUCK: Ha, ha. Can I get you something?

Yeah, I need a six-pack of Schmidt and I'm out of bait.

- Shiners or wax worms? - I can't afford shiners. Give me wax worms.

Wax worms are 75 cents.

75 cents? Crime in Italy. Chuck, we're talking about worms, not caviar.

You go through that every time.

Where are you gonna get worms this time of year? It's supply and demand.

You could retire in Florida just from selling me worms.

- And throw the beefjerky in too. - That's $5 for the beer and the worms.

Now you know your old gut can't handle no jerky.

God...

Hey, is Pop out there at the shanty?

Always.

Uh-huh. And the moron?

There's lots of ice out there, Gustafson.

Should be room enough for the both of you.

JOHN [IN MOCKING TONE]: "Lots of ice out there, Gustafson."

Mm-mm-mm.

[HORN HONKING]

- Hi, Dad. GRANDPA: Hi, hi.

Any luck today?

How the hell should I know? I just got here.

JOHN: Oh. - Say, Mel, she came by the other day...

...and said that you'd been snapping. JOHN: Oh.

- Like a damned catfish. - Well, I've had a lot on my mind lately.

I'll tell you what's on my mind.

It's butt-cold out here and I'm fresh out of beer.

Oh, did you hear? Someone moved into the Clickner place. A woman.

- A woman? - Yeah.

- Did you mount her? - Oh, Dad.

No, wait a minute. Has she got big thighs?

- No. - No?

Then what's the problem?

If I was a young fellow like you, I'd be mounting...

...every woman in Wabasha.

Keep the change.

Hi, Punky.

Hi, John.

[MOTOR PUTTERING]

[HOCKEY GAME PLAYING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

MAX: The Green Hornet strikes again!

[LAUGHS]

Caught my limit.

I see you only snagged one, huh?

Two fish are on there, you bonehead.

You know damn well I throw back what I'm not gonna eat.

Oh, yeah? Like that 40-pound muskie you're always yakking about.

It's a shame that nobody ever sees you with these monsters.

[LAUGHING]

You're gonna love it, Goldman.

Go to work, baby.

[JOHN SNORING]

[KNOCKING ON FRONT DOOR]

Hmm?

[CAT MEOWS]

What is it?

Oh, my God, they've come for me.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[KNOCKING ON FRONT DOOR]

[JOHN GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

[GASPING]

Hi.

Oh, my God. I, uh...

You see, I was...

Hi.

I hope you don't mind, but I saw your light on...

...and I was just wondering if I might use your bathroom.

What?

- So, uh, your toilet is broken? - Oh, no, thank goodness.

I don't know, the house seemed so empty tonight. I do so love bathrooms.

You know, you can tell a lot about a person from his bathroom.

- Did you know that? - No, I didn't know that.

- There's a guest bath... - I can't wait to see what I find in there.

- Much better than having your palm read. - Well, uh...

You give me 30 seconds in a person's bathroom...

...and I will give you a complete and accurate profile.

- There's a guest bathroom, please. - I'll only be a minute.

Ah. Guest bathroom.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

So?

Fascinating.

Uh...

Now, don't you think it's time that you finally introduced yourself?

- Oh, uh... - John "Goostafson," right?

- Gustafson. - Gustafson.

Well, I took some of your mail yesterday just to find out who you were.

But you don't get much and what you do get doesn't paint a picture.

- You took my mail. That's a federal offense. - I know.

Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way...

...in order to come back a short distance correctly.

- Don't you find that too? I love that line. - What?

I have to confess it's not mine. It's from The Zoo Story by Edward Albee.

I teach American literature at Winona State University.

I started yesterday. Oh, I love the classics, don't you?

- Yeah. Well, I also read Field & Stream. - Indeed?

You have a whole library up there from what I could see.

You know, there's something really rugged and virile about the outdoors, isn't there?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

My manners. I'm so sorry.

I'm Ariel Truax.

[STUTTERING] How do you do? I'm John G-Gustafson.

- Yes, I know. - You know that.

When did you move into the Clickner place?

Oh, I'm sure you know that, John.

Ever since I got here, you and Max Goldman...

...have been stuck up against your windows watching me like two Garfield cats.

You know, those kind that people stick to their car windows?

You know, those little suction cups they have? It's so...

Squirrels.

Been watching the squirrels. One of them's making a nest under your eaves.

Sure, John.

Here's your mail.

Now, there's nothing addressed to a Mrs. Gustafson.

And by the state of your bathroom, I presume that you're a bachelor.

Yeah.

Gay or straight?

- Huh? - Heterosexual or homosexual?

Jeez Louise.

It's a perfectly legitimate question.

[LAUGHING]

Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota... Ho-ho.

Have I upset you?

No, hey.

It's the middle of the night and I don't know what the hell is...

Would you like me to leave?

No.

Yeah.

Well, it was very nice meeting you, John Gustafson.

And now that we know each other, don't be a stranger, neighbor.

Oh, and John...

...king's rook to queen's bishop 3.

Ah.

[HORN HONKS]

MAN: Hey, John.

Phil, wait a minute. Don't ring that up yet.

I need something for my lumbago. The pain is killing me.

Ah, it's killing you, my ass. He doesn't know the meaning of the word pain.

I got a pinched sciatica that makes your lumbago look like eye strain.

Pain. He wants to talk about pain.

I had a gallstone the size of a baseball.

Gallstones, yeah. Gallstones are for pussies.

When I had shingles did you see me complaining to Phil?

Shingles schmingles.

When I had my ulcers, I was...

...farting razor blades.

- Good morning, John. - Huh? Good...

Oh, you must be Max Goldman.

Hi, I'm Ariel Truax, your new neighbor.

- Pleasure. - Isn't it a peach of a day?

- Ah. ARIEL: Listen, I have something for you.

It was dropped off at my house by accident.

Some of your mail. Heh.

- Here you are. Sorry. - Ah.

Phil, have my herbal therapy oils arrived yet?

They arrived this morning.

Special delivery from California.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Ah, yes, there's nothing like the scent of...

...fresh tea tree...

...just soaking into your pores. - Hmm.

Don't you agree?

Lovely.

Thank you. It was such a pleasure meeting you...

...and I'm sure we're going to see a lot of one another.

Goodbye, gentlemen. Goodbye, John.

Yeah.

[DOOR CHIMES]

- Holy moly. JOHN: Uh-huh.

JOHN: Now wait. You got all four wheels on the track? Okay.

All right. Now, careful, fellas, huh? Hey, Mel.

Be careful. That's over 100 years old. Damn thing might collapse.

- Hi, sweetheart. How are you? - Hi, Dad. Good.

JOHN: There's Granddaddy's little girl. - What's going on?

- I'm getting rid of that. It's just firewood. - Why?

Well, I don't know. I don't play it much. It sits around, collects dust.

- You love that piano. - Granddaddy's got a surprise...

...for you in the house, pumpkin. - Dad.

Oh, just a little C-A-N-D-Y. It's not going to kill her.

ALEXANDRA: Candy.

Which one? Okay, which hand?

This one? No.

Which hand? That's the one. Yeah.

There you are, sweet pea. How about that? Here.

Dad.

- Is there something wrong? - No. Nothing's wrong at all.

With me...

Now, Mel, um...

How am I gonna...? People are asking about you.

I know.

Yeah, now I keep telling them that you and Mike are doing just fine.

It's just a lot of gum-flapping.

- Mike and I aren't fine. - Yeah. That's what I thought.

Dad, we're gonna separate for a while.

Honey, marriage isn't easy, you know. You gotta work at it.

It's hard to work at it when he's never there.

Oh, my God, is that familiar. Your mother wondered where I was for 20 years.

You really think I wanted two jobs? I didn't do that for me.

- I was doing it for you, Brian, your mother. - Dad. Dad.

Dad, this isn't about you. This is about me and Mike.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I-I get... I keep...

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry. I love you so much.

Well, whatever you and Mike decide is...

I never liked him anyway.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[ARIEL SCREAMING OUTSIDE]

[WHOOPING]

MELANIE: Who is that?

I don't know.

[WHOOPING]

Hi!

Ha, ha. She seems to know you.

Well, I...

[YELLING]

- Does she always do that? - I don't know.

ARIEL: Oh! This is great!

Whoo!

[MELANIE LAUGHING]

[MICROWAVE DINGS]

Aah!

TV ANNOUNCER: We hope you enjoyed our feature presentation.

Now stay tuned for tonight's $6.4 million jackpot on Powerball.

JOHN: Three, four five...

Followed by local news.

Out of the way, Slick. Come on, baby.

Come on. I gotta win a million bucks.

[SIGHS]

[TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[KNOCKING ON FRONT DOOR]

Who's that?

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

MAX: Okay. Okay. JACOB: Ta-da!

Hey, Jacob, you got my vote. That's terrific.

Come on in. Have a little TV dinner. Lasagna's heating up now.

I don't have time. I just dropped by to give you the placard for the yard.

- I got a bunch I gotta deliver. - You'll have just a drink Little drink.

Pop, I can't. I'm sorry. I'll call you.

No, close the door. Come in.

[ALARM BEEPS]

Wait a minute. Give me a minute, will you?

I'll be with you in a second. I have to do something here that's very important.

Six-point-four million. That's our estimated jackpot tonight.

You could be our next millionaire.

[MAX MUTTERING]

- To win the jackpot, correctly match... - Come on. Do it.

Our first number is a...

[SINGING UPBEAT SONG]

[CHUCKLING]

What's going on?

- There's number four. - Seven.

- To win the jackpot, match 5 white balls... - There's a seven. Now, second...

And next up is a...

Come on!

The schmuck doesn't know what's happening.

- A 25. - Seven...

- There's just one more ball and here it is... - Fifteen.

Jesus Christ!

[LAUGHING]

[UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]

Goldman.

Goldman. It's Goldman.

- You're a child. - Don't tell me, Jacob. It isn't me.

JACOB: Oh, it never is.

No, I'm sure John started every fight since 1940.

- '38. - Well, it's ridiculous.

- Hey, John! MAX: Oh!

Come over here and apologize.

- Come here. Come on. - I'm not apologizing to anybody.

You're letting the cold air in.

[MAX YELLING]

Take that, you criminal.

[DOOR OPENS THEN JOHN GASPS]

I don't believe it. That old trick?

This is something between me and your father, Jakey.

There's no need for you to get involved.

I don't say anything on one condition:

Put one of these in your yard.

I'd be proud to, Jake.

Hey, not one word to your old man, remember?

- Have fun, Johnny. - Yeah.

[JOHN GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

Hey, dickhead, you win the lottery?

Enjoy your shower, smartass?

[LAUGHING]

[ROOF CREAKING]

[GRUMBLES]

Mm, mm.

Gotta use hot water, you schmuck.

You'll never get me.

- See you later, Gustafson. - Ah.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Up yours, Gustafson.

[CHUCKLING]

Phew. Puke.

P-yew! What the hell is that smell?

[SNIFFING]

[GROANS]

[HORN HONKING]

P-yew!

MAX: Ah.

[HORN HONKING]

Watch it, bonehead.

Phew.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

MAX: Mrs. Cusack over at the store said she came in yesterday...

...to buy some candles and incense.

Ask me, she's probably a member of one of them religious cults.

- You say she's all alone? - From what I heard...

...she's available and hot to trot.

JOHN: Hey, Chuck.

- Moron. - Putz.

CHUCK: Hi, John.

Max was telling me about your new neighbor.

What? My new neighbor?

Oh, yes, yeah, new neighbor. Yeah, she came over to see me last night.

She what?

Yeah, about 1:30 in the morning.

Why would a woman come over at 1:30 in the morning to see you?

Just why do you think, bonehead? I'll have a six-pack, Chuck.

Ha. Women and fish...

...you can never catch either one of them, Gustafson.

I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.

Oh, yeah? Now you're telling me you're going to go after her?

Oh, me? Oh, jeez. God, no. She's too... She's too disturbed for me.

For you maybe.

No, I don't wanna have anything to do with her.

See, women fall too hard for me.

They get obsessed with me.

It's like one of them Fatal Attraction things...

...that they show on The Donahue Show, you know.

You guys are the biggest damn bullshitters...

...in this entire frozen nation.

You're just plain chicken...

...both of you, if you ask me.

A beautiful woman just sitting there...

...20 feet from your front yards...

...and you're trying to tell me you'd rather park your wrinkly butts...

...on a frozen piece of ice...

...kissing up to a couple of buckets of fish bait. Ha!

Jesus, listen to Casanova, will you?

Yeah, he's a regular Don Juan.

No wonder the ladies "Don Juan" anything to do with you.

JOHN: That did it. - Oh.

I'm out. I am out.

Hey, Max, will you say hello to Jake for me?

Why don't you come over and have some turkey with us?

There's always plenty of bird with just Jacob and me.

That way you can spend next week in bed with ptomaine, huh?

Come on over to my place, Melanie cooks up a real feast, Chuck.

Thanks, fellas. But you know those old boys over at the VFW...

...they expect me every Thanksgiving.

Oh, yeah, forget it. See you, Chuck.

- Moron. - Putz.

Tell me something, Chuck.

- Do I stink? JOHN: Yeah!

Not you, smartass. Didn't ask you.

I could smell it in the car. This stink.

Is it me?

Yep.

[SNIFFS]

Damn.

[LAUGHING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Ah, what the hell is that?

For chrissake.

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

Gustafson.

[HORN HONKS]

You schmuck!

[GRUNTS]

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

Damn disgrace the way they coach that team.

[BELL TINKLING]

[HUMMING]

Stay there.

Stay there, you little bastard.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLING]

[GRUNTING]

It's the Green Hornet.

[SOBBING]

- How are you, Punky? - Hey, buttercup.

Give me two packs of Camels...

...and a cup of your special coffee, you love muffin, you.

You're supposed to be smoking filter cigarettes, Pop.

Yeah, well, I'm 94 years old. What the hell do I care, huh?

Oh, thank you, dear.

[MAX GRUNTING]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

- Max is here. - Ah.

[MAX GROANS]

- Come on, love muffin. GRANDPA: Yeah, yeah.

[SIGHING]

- Thanks. - Here.

- You were always there to save me. - Mm-hm. Yeah, right.

No, really. When Billy Gerber locked me in his tree house...

...you were my knight in shining armor.

And I got a black eye for my effort.

- Let me get that. - There you go.

I always knew, you know.

Knew what?

That you had a crush on me since 6th grade.

You used to watch me with your dad's binoculars.

- What? - Mm-hm.

No. I...

You never wondered why my curtains were open just enough?

I thought I was lucky.

I just did it to torture you. Ha, ha.

Yes. Well, you succeeded wonderfully.

How come you never asked me out?

Uh, I...

Hey, Mel. Hi, Jakey.

Uh, Mel, is the turkey supposed to be smoking?

Oh, man. I better run. See you.

JACOB: Hey, John. - Hey.

Happy Thanksgiving.

- Yeah. How are you? - Good.

- They're getting a divorce. - Huh?

Mel and Mike, they're getting a divorce. They call it a separation, but it's divorce.

- Gee, I'm sorry to hear that. - Yeah.

So are you seeing anyone special, are you?

Me? Mmm...

- No, I guess not. Nobody serious. - What do you know?

We got a new neighbor, did you hear?

JACOB: Everyone in town is talking about this woman.

Yeah. Gee, she hasn't been out since 11:20.

What are you doing? Clocking her, John?

Well, she keeps odd hours, you know.

Very interesting woman.

Sounds like a wacko to me.

I haven't had sex for 15 years.

Could I have little? Oh. Mmm.

[BURPS]

GRANDPA: Oh, my. MELANIE: Too much, Dad?

Yeah, that was plenty.

Hey, why don't you give some of the leftovers to Jakey?

He'll have his own leftovers.

That pre-cooked stuff his old man gets? That tastes like cardboard.

Why don't you go and talk to her, Dad?

What? Talk to who?

Ariel.

You spent half the meal staring out the window.

Just squirrels.

There's the squirrels on her roof. That's what I was staring at.

You're a handsome, eligible guy with a nice house, a good pension.

You got a lot to offer her.

Well, I got something to offer her.

[GROWLS]

I got zip to offer her.

JACOB: Pop, I can't tell if this is done.

Pop, do you know how many minutes this thing needs to cook?

Getting hungry.

Sure be nice to have some turkey right about now.

[MAX CHUCKLES]

You remember the turkey your mother used to make?

- Oh, yeah. - Damn, she was a good cook.

You remember the stuffing?

BOTH: The best.

- How about those potato latkes? - Oy.

[MAX CHUCKLES]

I thought you said Chuck was going to VFW.

MAX: He is. JACOB: I don't think so.

What are you talking about?

Looks like he's making a house call.

What?

What in the...

Hell is he doing there?

- He's going to do it. - So?

What?

What is he doing in that crazy...

- Son of a... - Jealous?

Of what? Are you...?

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

- He's in. - He's in.

- He's in! - Oh.

Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist.

- Oh, jeez, Dad. What? - Oh.

God...

- Chuck? MAX: Chuck, where are you?

JOHN: Ah. - Hello, fellas.

JOHN: Hey, um... MAX: Hi, Chuck.

- Some game last night. MAX: Double overtime.

- Blackhawks were killers, weren't they? - Did you catch the game, Chuck?

No.

Oh, sure, you were with the guys at the VFW.

Yeah. How was the turkey at the VFW this year, Chucky?

The turkey this year...

...was delicious. Ha, ha.

Yeah...

- Oh, come on. - We saw you.

- You were there half the night. MAX: What'd you do?

- What's it like in there? - What did she say?

Fellas. Fellas.

There are some experiences in life too rich...

...too beautiful to try to put into words.

- What does that mean exactly? JOHN: Yeah.

Could have been either of you if you just had the guts to ask.

- You mean, you and she...? - I'm not talking about sex, dummies.

JOHN: No? - Of course not.

Oh.

I get it.

Your old pal failed you, huh, Chuck?

Oh, couldn't rise to the occasion?

- Yes, the spirit was willing... - Yeah, but the flesh was, uh...

Weak, weak.

Okay, okay, if it wasn't sex what was it?

It was an awakening.

Ariel reminded me that I was alive.

That I was a man full of energy, love, and passion.

It was like being young again.

If only for a moment.

Couldn't get it up, huh, Chuck?

Get out of here, both of you.

Yeah, I'll see you.

Yeah, but...

[STAMMERS]

MAX: So long. CHUCK: Hey, boys.

That's not just a woman living across your street.

She's an angel.

Angel, right. Take it easy, Chuck.

See you, Chuck.

[LAUGHING]

[YELPS]

[SCREAMS]

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

MAX: Holy moly.

Look at all the crap you... Excuse me. The stuff you got here.

ARIEL: Well, it's my inspiration. - You did...? You're an artist?

Ah, I try.

I used to teach courses in Expressionism at Berkeley.

But now I'm back to the classics of literature.

Berkeley, that explains it.

Oh, my God.

ARIEL: What?

Your TV. It's got no guts.

I took them out.

How could you do that to a '54 Super Zenith?

This TV is a classic.

I can fix it for you though, if you wanted me to.

That's what I used to do. I was a TV repairman.

Aw, that's so sweet, Max, but...

...you know, I think it works quite well...

...just the way it is.

How the hell does she see any shows?

Holy moly.

ARIEL: I see you've met Ernest.

- Who? - The model was my husband.

Boy, he sure wasn't pleased about modeling in the nude.

Took quite a bit of prompting, I must say.

He's, uh...

Passed on.

Five years ago.

Hmm. Would you like some coffee?

- Yeah. - Cream and sugar?

Yeah.

Hmm.

[GROANS]

Sure moved around a lot the last few years, didn't you?

Yeah, I think it's exciting to experience new things...

...new places, and meet new people.

Like you.

Do you paint?

- Paint? Me? - Yes. Uh-huh.

Sure do.

I paint the shed every spring.

- Ha-ha! - No. No.

- You get it? - I get it, I get it.

No, I mean, you know...

...pictures, paintings.

What for?

Everyone needs some form of...

...release.

I fish.

Fish?

Fish...

Oh. Yeah, fish.

Oh, yeah. I can see the beauty in that.

- Yeah? - Mm.

Miss Truax, would you do me the honor...

...of accompanying me to my ice shanty tomorrow?

I'd be honored.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

MAX: See you tomorrow. ARIEL: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

[BOTH LAUGH]

ARIEL: Be careful. MAX: Okay.

[MAX SINGING "HEAT WAVE"]

Whoa!

- I can't hold it! MAX: Reel him in.

ARIEL: I can't hold him, Max. - Work him. Work him.

ARIEL: I'm trying. He's so strong! MAX: Easy does it.

MAX: Reel it in. - I can't hold it.

- I'm trying but I can't! - All right. Give me the pole.

Oh, not yet. Not on your life. Get out of here!

- Let me... Pull! - Stop!

[ARIEL & MAX SHOUTING]

[ARIEL SCREAMING]

MAX: That's it. Coming. Coming. ARIEL: Aah! Aah!

Morning, John.

[ARIEL & MAX SHOUTING]

Morning, Punky.

ARIEL: Oh, Max. MAX: Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

- Oh, I almost lost him. - Max, oh, he's just magnificent.

Magnificent? He's a damn record-breaker. You've got a 3-footer.

Oh, Max.

I can see the beauty in this now.

- Can you see it? - Yes, the lure. No, the fight.

- The fight. Wait till I show the guys. - The catch.

- What a catch. - And then the release.

The release!

- What release? There's no release. - Oh, yes, it's beautiful.

No, I'll tell you what's beautiful. This monster on my wall stuffed.

Oh, no. There can be no stuffing. This is a live creature.

Full of courage and life.

Nobody's gonna believe me. Let me get a camera.

- Oh, no. - Just hold it for a minute.

- I hear the water calling it back, Max. - Where is it?

ARIEL: Here we go. - Wait, wait!

- Calling. - Here. Hold it. Hold it!

[ARIEL YELPS]

[SCREAMING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

Hey, Pop.

Hey. Just finishing breakfast.

So I see.

Colder than a witch's titty out there, isn't it?

Where did you get this fishing pole?

GRANDPA: Oh, I snagged it about an hour ago.

The only damn thing I caught all day.

Ah.

Hey, Chuck, guess what Pop found.

[JOHN CHUCKLES]

Chuck?

Chuck? Hey, Chuck!

Ch... You forgot to unlock the back door, you dummy.

[DISPATCH RADIO CHATTERING]

Isn't it wonderful to have a little adventure every day?

All I know is you're one hell of a fisherman, Ariel.

Oh. I learned from the best.

Oh, I hope you weren't mad at me for putting them all back.

Ah, that's okay. Gustafson does the same thing.

He just keeps the ones he eats. That's what he says.

I think he never catches them.

- Ha, ha. - Ha, ha. Oh, Max.

I think we're going to be great friends.

Oh, fr... Fr...

Friends. Friends is good. That's good, isn't it?

- Yeah. - Mm-hm.

How about some supper tonight? After your class, I mean.

Oh, thank you so much, but I already have made plans. I'm sorry.

- Oh. - But I'll take a rain check.

- That's a deal. - Okay?

Yeah. Until we meet again, my dear Ariel.

Yes.

- Ha, ha. - Goodbye.

Watch out. Don't slip.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, Gustafson, looks like the best man won.

Ah. You always were a lousy loser.

[GRUNTS]

He's dead.

- What? Who? - Chuck.

Chuck? How?

Last night in his sleep.

In his sleep.

Lucky bastard.

Of course, you might have known if you hadn't been out with that minx.

Hey, it ain't my fault. Chuck was a friend of mine too.

You call yourself a friend? You bastard.

Hey, watch your mouth, you dumb frigging Swede.

Look, don't tell me what to do, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Big man with the ax in your hand.

Ax? All right, fine. You wanna clock me? You think you can take me? Come on.

- All right. 1937, at Todd Field... - Oh, for God's sake.

...I kicked your ass after football practice when you stole my liniment.

- I kicked your ass and I can do it again. - Bullshit.

Give it your best shot, shrimp.

It's not worth the effort.

Get out of there.

[SIGHS]

Damn.

He has the intelligence quotient of a newt.

[GRUNTS]

Shrimp thinks he can get funny with me.

Left hook...

...right cross...

...and dump him.

Oh, Chuck.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I'm gonna kill him.

God damn you, Goldman, you...

John Gustafson?

I'm Elliot Snyder of the Internal Revenue Service.

I'm asking you to accompany me to my office.

[CLATTERING NEARBY]

Slick?

[SLICK MEOWS]

[MUTTERS]

[CLATTERING]

- Oh! - Hi.

[GASPS]

I was wondering where you were.

I, uh...

I had a little, uh, business.

Oh, I hope it went all right.

Yeah. Uh, wh... What are you doing?

Cooking. Ha, ha.

Cooking. Yes, yeah. That's...

Oh, wait a minute. I can't have anything spicy.

I mean, if it's too exciting, I'm up all night.

Good. I'm making Sichuan.

Ah, gotcha.

From the moment I saw you, I could feel that we had the same kind of aura.

- That we share something special. - Teaching.

Thirty-nine years I taught American history at Wabasha High.

Oh. History, it's so romantic.

Great dental plan.

[LAUGHS]

All the ideas that you brought to those young minds.

Yeah, the kids think they know it all, right?

Oh, once in a while you reach one. You touch them somehow.

- I did that once. - Really?

It was my Roosevelt's New Deal lecture.

I touched a kid on the back of his head while he was snoring.

- Ha, ha. - You're so bad.

[LAUGHS]

You know, uh...

- Chuck, he... - Mm.

- I know. - Oh.

We can be thankful that we had the privilege of knowing him...

...while he was here.

Yeah.

To Chuck.

Yes, to Chuck.

Thank you, John. It was a wonderful evening.

Thank you, Ariel.

- Now, Pop, you think I should I call her? - What?

- What? - The woman.

Well, let me tell you something, John.

That the first 90 years or so...

...they go by pretty fast. - Ha, ha. Yeah?

- What? - The first 90 years, they go by pretty fast.

Yeah, but how would you know? You're just a damn kid.

Well, I didn't say it, you did.

- Well, they do. They go fast. - Okay. All right.

- Then one day you wake up... - Yeah?

...and you realize...

...ha, ha, that you're not 81 anymore.

And then you begin to count the minutes rather than the days...

...and you realize that pretty soon you'll be gone.

And that all you have, see, is the experiences.

That's all there is, Johnny. Everything. The experiences.

You mount the woman, son. Ha, ha.

Or else, uh...

...send her out to me, huh?

[BOTH SCREAMING]

I happened to come by these two tickets for the Gopher game.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

So, Ariel, uh...

...ever play much ice hockey? Ha-ha-ha.

- Ah, schmuck. SNYDER: Mr. Gustafson.

Mr. Gustafson. We had an appointment.

JOHN: There she is. Wabasha.

ARIEL: Hmm.

It is just beautiful.

Yeah. Yeah, from up here. I used to camp out up here when I was a kid.

What are you thinking?

Oh, I'm sorry. I just...

It's the snow.

Reminded me of the last Christmas I spent with my husband.

- Are you all right? - Yes, an angel.

- What? - I'm making a snow angel, remember?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I remember.

ARIEL: Whoo!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey.

Do you believe in angels?

- Oh, yeah. - Uh-huh?

- Oh, they're all around us. - Yeah?

Mm-hm. You've got to look hard but they're there...

...whenever anything good happens to us.

I think I see one.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

WOMAN [ON TV]: Look at how large Papa's bald spot is.

MAN [ON TV]: Actually does look like hair growing there.

- You could imagine problems that will become reality.

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

MAN 2 [ON TV]: Give it all you've got. Again and again and again.

Aha.

I'll have you mated in three moves.

Shouldn't we get to know each other a little better first?

Oh, you have a wonderful smile. You should wear it more often.

Yeah? L... l...

I bring it out on special occasions. Heh.

Hmm.

Tell me, who's this?

- What? - Over here.

- Oh, that's my dad. That's Pop. - Oh.

The handsome guy right behind him. You know him, I think, don't you?

My daughter Melanie and her mother, and Melanie and her husband, Mike.

- She's beautiful. - Yeah.

Now, these people over here?

Ah, the little girl is Alexandra, my granddaughter.

- And my son, Brian. - Oh, he's so handsome.

Lost him in Vietnam.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. - Oh, that's okay. It's all right. It's okay.

And these little guys.

- Oh, ha. That's me and the moron. - Max?

- Of course it's Max. He's ugly isn't he? - Ha, ha!

ARIEL: Oh, you mean you were friends?

Well, I was 10. I didn't know any better.

What can make two grown men spend most of their lives fighting each other?

- Oh, guess. - A woman.

- Uh, yeah. - How romantic.

Oh, no, it wasn't romantic at all. It was... Ah, well.

What did I know? I was just a kid.

Which I am not anymore.

I think it's kind of late.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. I guess...

It's time for bed.

[WHISPERS] God, you are dumb, dumb, dumb.

Ariel, I'm sorry that...

I thought you said...

I said it's time for bed.

- Well, wait a minute. What about... - What?

Well, you know, you've been seeing...

- Max? - Yeah, Max.

He's just my friend.

Uh, yeah, but, uh...

The last man that I slept with was my husband.

Uh...

Oh, God. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

I'm not prepared.

See, these days, they say you have to do safe sex.

John, when was the last time you made love?

October 4.

1978.

Oh, I think we're safe.

[MAX HUMMING]

[SNIFFING]

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

ARIEL: Max!

Good morning.

Oh, are those for me?

- Oh, yeah. - They're just beautiful. Thank you.

- They're for you. I got them for you. - Thank you.

Thank you. How sweet.

I...

...got them for you.

Snake in the grass.

Burn, baby, burn.

[GRUNTS]

[BURPS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

JOHN: How you doing, Punky?

MAX: Creep.

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[THUD THEN RECORD SCRATCHES]

[THUD]

[CREAK]

[CLUNK]

[CREAKING]

[GASPS]

[HORN HONKING]

Holy shit. Max. Stop the car, you idiot!

Look out, Goldman's gone nuts. Look out!

- Look out! Look out! - Aah!

- Max, you've really lost it. - Dirty little bastard.

Are you out of your mind? Max!

JOHN: Oh, my God!

[SCREAMING]

Yes!

[JOHN GROANS]

Oh, no.

He belongs in a rubber room.

[GROWLS]

I fixed your fishing pole.

Who cares about a damn fishing pole?

You can shove that pole.

You think a lousy old pole is gonna replace her?

[GRUNTS]

Are you crazy?

[CROWD SHOUTING]

Don't egg him on. Go back to your fishing and leave him alone, all right?

- We'll settle this thing. - Aargh!

Max, cut it out.

[ALL SHOUTING]

Shrimp, you're not going anywhere.

MAX: Come on. Aah! - Aah!

[CROWD SHOUTING]

- Oh, you broke my nose! - I didn't break your damn nose.

Look at that. What the hell has gotten into you?

- You stole her, didn't you? - What?

She's mine.

- Says who? - Says me.

Yeah? Well, she came to me.

Bull. You're trying to steal her away, just like you did May.

Oh, for God's sake. Could I remind you, Einstein, May was no prize.

- She was to me. - I was married to the woman 20 years.

- She was no prize. - She was to me.

Yeah. Well, that's why you're a moron. If you'd ended up with May...

...you never would have had Amy. And Amy was a good woman.

- She was the best. - And more loyal than May ever was.

- Absolutely. - So.

- So what? - Huh?

What?

- Huh? - So?

What?

- What? - What?

Did you...

Well, did you?

What?

You know.

- Oh, that's a private matter. - Private, my foot. Did you?

- That's all I can tell you. - You better tell me.

All right, we did the horizontal mambo! We danced it!

It was the greatest sex I ever had in my life. All right, are you happy?

- You... - Oh, shit! Shit!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

Hey! Drop that fish.

Huh? Mr. Gustafson.

Don't make me have to separate you two again, damn it.

Now go to your shanties, all of you. You're scaring the fish away.

Damn kids.

GRANDPA: Kids. You can't live with them, can't shoot them.

How you gonna take care of her, huh, Gustafson? Huh?

How are you gonna support her when the IRS takes your house away?

I can't wait around for another Amy. I ain't got time.

JOHN: Okay, Max. This time you win.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Hi there. - Ariel, uh...

If you're not going to keep our date tonight...

...I'm bringing the date to you. - Huh?

You promised that you would come over and give me the New Deal lecture...

- and like a good student... - Uh, what's that?

It's a gift.

A snow angel.

You inspired it.

I can't accept it.

Why not?

I, uh... It doesn't... It...

Ariel, I think it might be a very good idea if we didn't see each other.

I mean, for a while. Anyway.

You know, give each of us a chance to be alone and...

But I thought...

Ah, goddamn it. Look, Ariel, please.

- First place, I'm too old for you. Okay? - What does that...?

Mainly, I don't like you coming over here any time you feel like it.

I don't like you hanging around here all day long, damn it.

Look, I'm not like you. L... I'm not afraid to be alone.

I am not afraid to be alone.

I just prefer to experience things...

...and not just watch them on television or looking out the windows like you do.

Don't you understand? I like being alone.

Oh, I understand.

I understand completely.

You don't know a damn thing about me.

I do too.

And I also know that the only things in life that you regret...

...are the risks that you don't take.

Oh, but you wouldn't understand that. Because you're too pig-headed.

[SOBBING]

Oh, damn.

JACOB: Hi, John.

- John. JOHN: Yeah?

- How are you doing? - Hey, Jakey.

- Merry Christmas. - Congratulations on the election.

Thanks. That's kind of old news though, John. Where you been?

Ah, well, I had all of this stuff that I had to get taken care of. I, uh...

Oh, hey, listen. Melanie said that she's gonna come by tonight.

You, know, Christmas Eve. Around 9:00.

- Is that right? - Yeah. So why don't you drop over later?

- Yeah. Well, I'll do that. - Okay.

[SNOWMOBILE REVVING]

[ARIEL & MAX LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Come spring, this neighborhood will be a lot safer...

...without that snowmobile around.

Hi, Jacob. Hello, putz.

Hey, Pop.

Merry Christmas, John.

Ariel.

Hey, Gustafson, your cat crapped on my steps again.

Yeah? Who says you can't train a cat?

Ah, yeah? Well, that's a warning.

Don't let it happen again or I'll punch you in the nose.

- Pop. MAX: He started it.

JOHN: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[HORN HONKING]

Hey. Where's Santa's favorite little girl, huh?

- Merry Christmas, Dad. - Merry...

Come on, sweetheart. Hi, John.

What, no twinkle lights?

Huh? Yeah, well, I, uh...

I forgot about them this year.

- Be polite. - Yeah.

- Hey, John. - Mike.

- Merry, uh... - Christmas.

JOHN: Yeah, Christmas.

Can I put Allie in your bed?

JOHN: Yeah, sure. MIKE: Good night, baby.

MELANIE: Bedtime. Say good night to Grandpa.

ALEXANDRA: Good night, Grandpa.

So how you been?

Lousy. Thought you two were getting a divorce.

MELANIE: Dad! MIKE: Ha.

Uh, actually, it's only a separation.

I had to get some things worked out for myself before we could work on us.

Did you get it worked out?

Uh... Uh, yeah.

You know, as far as I can tell.

Damn, that's great, Mike.

Maybe the rest of us should just put our lives on hold...

...for the next two, three weeks while you oil yourself up with enough booze...

...and bullshit that you can make your mind up. Shall we do that? Huh?

Uh, heh.

You know...

...maybe I'll grab a beer.

Yeah, you grab a beer. It's in the fridge.

What had gotten into you? JOHN: I don't know.

Grab me one too.

Dad, try and understand.

He showed up last night. Says he's gotten himself straightened out.

What do I know? I'm 68-year-old man. I got no house, no wife, no pension.

What are you talking about?

Look, I don't know one damn thing, but I know this:

The only things in this life that you really regret are the risks you didn't take.

And, God, Mel, if you see a chance to be happy...

...you grab it with both hands and to hell with the consequences.

Okay?

Okay.

Uh, Dad? I'll be damned if I can find a bottle opener.

Sweetheart, I'm gonna walk down to Slippery's.

What?

MELANIE: Dad...

Oh, hey, Jakey. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

[MELANIE SIGHS]

Uh, is this a bad time?

I'm sorry, Jacob.

I don't know what's wrong with him. He just exploded.

Do you want me to go after him?

No, no. That's okay.

He'll cool off down at Slippery's. Come on in.

What's that?

Oh, this is, uh, broccoli.

Pop didn't have mistletoe, so I...

[BOTH LAUGH]

Mike! Hey! You're next, big guy.

- Heh. Hi, Stinky. - Ha.

I, uh... I just came by to wish you all a Merry Christmas.

Oh, that was sweet, Jacob. Wasn't that sweet, Mike?

Yeah. Sweet and short.

- Well, I... - Ha, ha.

JACOB: Uh... - Ha, ha.

Uh, good to see you, Mike.

Uh, Jacob? JACOB: Yeah?

- Could I ask you a favor? JACOB: Sure.

Could you have a word with your dad? See if they can't make up for Christmas.

Uh, yeah, sure. Absolutely.

MELANIE: That would be great.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

- Over at the Gustafsons'? - Yeah.

- Melanie there? - Uh-huh.

[MAX CHUCKLES]

She, uh... She look good?

Very. She also looks to still be married.

What? Mike's back?

Looks that way.

You know, Melanie said that John just exploded and walked out.

- So? - So, what's going on?

Nothing that shouldn't have happened years ago.

Pop...

He tried to steal her away from me, but I won.

Could you at least, uh, talk to him?

My door is open. He knows where to find me.

He started it.

I don't care who started it, you're gonna end it.

I don't like him. I never liked him.

You know, it's Christmas, Pop, all right?

At least you could go down to Slippery's and make peace with the man.

I'd rather kiss a dead moose's butt.

[MOOSE GROANS]

This 1,500-pound moose is the real thing, folks.

Reared by local volunteer firefighter, Peter Carlson, of Wabasha...

...who found it injured on a hunting trip, brought it home, and brought it up...

MAX: Merry Christmas.

Moron.

Putz.

Thank you, Lou.

Jacob says that Michael and Melanie are, uh, gonna get back together again.

Well, Jacob doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.

Melanie is getting a divorce.

Ah. Yeah, well, uh...

...I got a couple of things I want to tell you. - Yeah?

The reason I came down here tonight is...

...I wanted to tell you...

Spit it out. I haven't got all night.

- Don't shout. - I'm not shouting.

Bust my tuchus to get down here on Christmas Eve to thank you...

...and all you can do is shout at me. - Wait.

To thank me?

All right, I take it back. I don't thank you.

Oh, for... Jesus, it's impossible. Impossible.

Look, Goldman...

I want to ask you something.

Well, what? I ain't got all night, either. I'm just as busy as you are.

Listen, do you love her?

Do I love her? What the hell does that have to do with anything?

It would make the whole thing worthwhile.

You know something, Gustafson?

Sometimes I think you've lost whatever frigging marbles you ever had.

What do you think you did, walk on coals for me?

Gave me back my old fishing pole and I told you, "thank you."

- Fishing pole? - Yes.

- Pisses me off you had to break it first. - Oh, my God.

- But schmuck that you are... - Ha, ha. Aah!

...I suppose I gotta be realistic. What the hell is so funny?

You are so butt-blind, you think this whole thing is about a stupid fishing pole?

- What's it about then? - Forget it.

What do you mean forget it? Don't give me that crap.

- I wanna know. - You really wanna know?

Yes, yes!

Ariel.

What about her?

You made me feel sorry for you.

She chose me. She did.

And if anybody says otherwise they're damn liars.

JOHN: What's the difference? You got her anyway.

- Heh. - What the hell are you looking at?

Stupid moron.

Complete idiot. Ah.

[GROANING]

[MUTTERING]

[GASPING]

[GROANING]

It makes a difference, damn it.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[GASPING]

Dirty rat. Little turd.

Oh, my God.

Hey, John!

John.

Are you dead?

Not yet. But I don't wanna die looking at your ugly face.

You stay there. You stay right there.

Wait a minute. I'll be right back.

Help, help! It's an emergency.

Emergency. We need an ambulance. Somebody dial 911.

MAX: Miss?

Miss, could you tell... Could you...?

Oh, nurse. Nurse?

Nurse?

Could you tell me where Mr. John Gustafson is?

Are you friend or family?

John Gus... What?

Are you friend or family, sir?

Uh...

Friend.

Merry Christmas, John.

You putz.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, you'd better have a good reason for standing me up this morning.

What's wrong?

Can I come in?

Sure.

ARIEL: Hi.

I know that you said that you wanted to get rid of me...

...but isn't this a little drastic?

[SIGHS]

You know, my husband passed away at Easter.

And if you leave me at Christmas...

...I won't have any kind of holidays to look forward to.

Except for maybe Thanksgiving and...

You know, I really... I'm not crazy about turkey.

So, what do you say?

Let's get out of here.

[SOFTLY] All right.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, I can wait.

MAX: The guy could be dead tomorrow, for chrissake.

I'm sorry your friend is sick, Mr. Goldman...

...but the court order is in and my hands are tied.

Check the bedroom. I want all that paperwork filed.

Gustafson's straight as a grizzly's dick. He'd never cheat on his taxes. Never.

It's not a matter of cheating.

It's a matter of, oh, miscalculation.

You friend received health benefits for 20 years while claiming as a married man.

Um, however, he omitted to inform us...

...that his ex-wife had a part-time job for 11 of those 20 years.

Had he done so, we'd have informed him...

...that, because of her income...

...a larger portion of those benefits were subject, of course, to federal tax.

Ooh, about $13,000.

Thirteen thousand? Well, he can raise that.

However, uh...

...that amount, when combined with...

...11 years worth of interest, mandatory late charges, and penalties...

...uh, comes out at about $57,000, ballpark.

He'd never find that.

He will when we sell his house.

Dirty rat. I'll show him. Picking on people.

SNYDER: Let's go, let's go. Hubba-hubba.

- Where's the Realtor? MAN: Get the door?

SNYDER: Listen, men, all the furniture goes to the auction house.

Any paperwork put in the back of my car, okay?

MAN: Yes, sir.

- Beautiful day, Mr. Goldman! - Hey, Snyder.

Do the world a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

SNYDER: Asshole.

Bloodsuckers.

- Max, what's going on? - Morning, Ariel.

Anyone looking?

No, why?

SYNDER: I don't care. - We got a problem here, sir.

- What is it? - Somebody's barricaded the doors.

Wait a minute.

What?!

- Well, break it in. - Watch this. You'll get a kick out of this.

SNYDER: We'll see about this.

Yo, Ray.

This isn't gonna stop me, Mr. Goldman.

I got him right where I want him.

[ICE CRACKING]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

No. Jacob.

Got it, Pop. Just like you said.

- You don't understand. - No, no, it's good. I can handle it.

I'm Jacob Goldman, Mayor of Wabasha.

Jacob! No! Ha, ha.

I've got a 30-day cease and desist order says you can't touch this house.

[WHISPERS] Jacob.

Very well.

JACOB: Whoa.

[ROOF CREAKING]

[SCREAMS]

[MAX LAUGHING]

[SNYDER GRUNTING]

But, you...

[BELLS TOLLING]

[ORGAN PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]

- Jacob? - Hey, Mel.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Wow, you look great. - Thanks, so do you.

No, no, I mean it.

People always try to be nice by saying you look great but, uh...

...you really do look great.

- I feel good. - Yeah. So how are you?

I'm good, Jacob.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah. Listen, I'm, uh, sorry about the, uh...

- Divorce. Yeah, thanks. - Right.

I mean, I'm just glad it's over and done with.

Yeah. Yeah, you must be.

[MELANIE SIGHS]

- Ready for this? - No, not really.

[WOMAN SOBBING]

Listen, Mel, if you need someone to talk to tonight...

...l'm staying at Pop's.

Thanks, Jacob. I'd like that.

GRANDPA: Hey, you two!

Get your asses in here!

- I guess it's time. - Yeah.

[SOBBING]

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

- Where have you been? - Relax, Pop. You nervous?

Not nervous. The groom is nervous.

- I'm not nervous, schmuck. - Don't call me a schmuck, you putz.

Fellas, you're in a church.

[GUESTS CHATTERING]

[SIGHS]

[GUESTS CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

Wait, wait! Ain't you forgetting something?

Oh! Grandpa!

Okay, that'll do it.

Yeah. That'll do it, Dad! I think that'll do it.

- Okay, here we go. - Oh, wow!

- Oh, Max, you're the greatest. MAX: Thank you.

Thank you.

- I love you. JOHN: Goodbye, pumpkin.

- Bye, Jacob. - Have fun.

Hey, Gustafson. Here's a house.

Jacob got them to waive the penalties and interest...

...and I took care of the 13 grand.

Wipe the smile off your face, because it's just a loan.

And I'll lay 8-to-5 you can't get it up the entire honeymoon.

Oh! You're on.

I got a sure winner.

[ALL CHATTERING]

JOHN: You smell something?

[JOHN SNIFFS]

What is that?

- That dirty son of a... - Ugh.

[JOHN MUTTERING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[LAUGHING]

What a putz.

[LAUGHING]

What do you feel like tonight, Pop, Leno or Letterman?

Tell me about it in the morning, Jacob.

Oh. Where are you going?

The Daughters of the American Revolution are having a little dance at the VFW.

Maybe I'll get lucky. Don't wait up for me.

[MAX HUMMING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

MELANIE: Hi, Jacob. JACOB: Hey, Mel.

- What you got there? MELANIE: Broccoli.

JACOB: Holy moly. MELANIE: Ha, ha.

MAN: Marker.

He's in. He's in.

Looks like he's gonna enter the holy of holies.

- Huh? - Coitus uninterruptus.

LEMMON: I throw back what I'm not gonna eat.

Oh, yeah, like that 40-pound muskie you're always yakking about.

It's a shame that... That, um...

Your uncle has a fish market on 23rd Street and 14th Avenue.

- And, uh... LEMMON: 26th. 26th Street, you dummy.

- Ah, you schmuck. MAN: Marker.

Yeah. It looks like Chuck's slipping her the old salami.

- Oh, Jesus, Dad! - Ha, ha!

- Oh, hello. - Hello.

I'm Ronald Reagan. I used to be President of the United States.

- I live across the street over there. - Yes. Yes, come in.

MATTHAU: I was also in the movies for a while. I was a lousy actor.

Looks like Chuck's gonna put the hot dog in the bun.

- Oh, Jesus, Dad. - Oh.

- That's why I came down. - Yeah, well, spit it out.

- Don't shout. - I'm not shouting.

Bust my tuchus to get here on New Year's Eve...

...or Christmas, or whatever the **** it is.

CREW: Ha-ha-ha! - And, uh...

Looks like Chuck's a tomcat on the prowl.

[MEOWS]

I got a pinched sciatica that would make your lumbago look like eye strain.

Pain. He... Is it...? Does he?

Would he? Is he...

- Yes, he is. - Is he...?

Looks like Chuck is taking the old log to the beaver.

Looks like Chuck's gonna bury his boner.

Yeah, that's right, you're a moron.

If you hadn't had Amy...

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

[BOTH SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

It looks like Chuck is taking the skinboat to tuna town.

Looks like Chuck is taking a ride on the wild bologna pony.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Who left?

[ALL LAUGHING]

If I knew there was a nude scene in this picture...

...I would've asked for another million.

MAN: Slate it.

[ENGLISH SDH]