Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

(♪ THOMAS MAROLDA: "That's Life")

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ Ba, da-ba-dup

♪ Ba-da-dum, ba-da-da, da-da-dum

- ♪ I woke up - ♪ I woke up

- ♪ On the wrong side of bed - ♪ On the wrong side of bed

- ♪ You try to do right - ♪ You try to do right

♪ Where your heart's being led, yeah

♪ Bending rules

♪ I'll get where I'm going

♪ You're a rebel tonight

♪ I'm dressed, and you know it's showing

- ♪ Baby - ♪ That's life

♪ Some things never change in a love affair

♪ That's life

♪ We can rearrange this love affair

♪ That's life

♪ Ba, da-ba-dup... ♪

It's OK, T.C., you can come out now.

- Stop shouting, I'm right next to you. - OK, T.C.

- ♪ I woke up - ♪ I woke up... ♪

- (Slurping) - Cut that out.

Can't! Fluid's part of my diet.

Fluid's part of your brain.

Human body's 75% fluid, T.C.

- That leaves you out. - Huh?

- It's a joke, uh? - I don't get it.

You never get it.

My conversations with you should be closed captioned for the brain-damaged.

Just shut up and do some work.

Hey, I carried you all the way up the hill already.

Twice kinda... kinda dropped you.

- I'm in your debt. - (Slurping)

What do you see?

Money.

(Sighs) Life's a bitch.

And here's Johnny.

Come on, come on, let's go. It's almost noon.

I didn't notice.

How can you not notice? When the sun's up there, it's almost noon.

Well, excuse me, but astronomy wasn't my major.

Come on, man! Move!

Not you, idiot.

Do me a favor and get your pretty little ass into something less comfortable,

so we can make the goddamn plane.

OK, OK, don't be so irate, honey nipples.

- What now? (Slurps) - She's going inside to change.

Not much time before the 2:45 flight to Maui takes off.

- How do you know? - Lip reading.

No! (Laughs)

No, idiot, I checked the computer.

You know, the same one that tells you

when people take out insurance on expensive electronic gear,

or when they book flights, and how long they'll be gone.

Must be nice to be born smart.

- I wasn't born smart. - No?

Nah, I was born brilliant, gifted, special, one in a million.

Then how come you're a burglar?

First time for everything. Society's fault, anyway.

Why this weekend, Julie? Couldn't Hawaii wait a week?

Well, there's some people coming in that I'd rather not see.

- Relatives? - Well, let's just say family.

Now, are you sure you didn't forget anything?

No, I... I'm not sure.

Jesus, what good is a secretary who can't remember anything?

I have a devastating body, great eyes, nice tits,

I'm fun to be with, I don't whine, I don't think much, and I give great head.

- So? - Come on, Julie!

Would you hire anybody who didn't give great head?

- Well... - (Both chuckling)

- I do have my weaknesses. - More than one, darling.

- Alright, alright, get your book, get your book. - OK.

Um... alarm?

Um... on.

- OK, air conditioner? - Off.

- Sprinklers. - On auto.

Very good. Alright, pool heater?

Um... off.

- Phones? - On answer.

Jacuzzi?

Come on, come on, cut the shit.

- Alimony? - Paid.

- Video? - In New York.

Audition?

What audition, honey nipples?

Stop calling me honey nipples!

- Well, you call me sweet cakes. - That's different!

Now, how about the auditions next Saturday? Are they all arranged?

Well, I called all the agents

and gave them the address, the time, and the...

Yes, that's right, I...

Well, so, how many are we getting?

About a hundred, all with bathing suits.

They love you, they love all your films.

Good.

(Car engine starts)

- (Phone beeps) - Oh, life's a bitch!

(Beeping)

Mort, babe. Yeah, it is babe, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. I, uh... I missed you at the sports connection the other day.

Yeah, we got work on a new movie, huh?

You have a lot of sex and violence, you'll love it.

Huh! Sure, it's got a title, it's called "Sex And Violence".

Yeah, well sure it's rated R, it's the only thing the kids like.

OK, let's do lunch. Alright, you got it.

Uh-huh, the Polo Lounge. I'll give you a call, babe. Alright.

Come on.

(Car banging)

- Tough, huh? - Piece of cake.

(Horn blaring)

Well, hello up there.

You know, I was walking by, and I noticed that you could use a shave.

So, I have brought something, my friend, that I think you will enjoy.

And yes, you too will be a Latino love deity like myself.

Oh, oh, you... wow, that's a wow.

Oi! Oh, my, my, my, my, my, that's beautiful.

That's real clever, T.C. They did it in a movie once.

I can't remember which one, though.

OK, what's the number for J in the alphabet?

- A, B, C, D... - Ten.

OK, L.

- A, B, C, D... - Twelve.

(Beeping)

(Lock clicking, gates whirring)

(Laser whooshes, alarm blaring)

Oh, oh, we got caught!

That wasn't meant to happen! Don't kill me, don't kill me!

(Sobbing) Oh, it was his... It was his idea, really.

It ain't my idea. I didn't wanna be here.

Not live, putz. It's Memorex.

You mean a tape?

Think this guy's gonna pay for real rent-a-cops?

I hear he squeezes a nickel so hard, Jefferson's nose comes out the other side.

Come on.

(Bo) "Welcome to 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous'.

"I'm your host, Robin Leach.

"I don't know why." (Laughs)

They gone already, amigo.

Piece of cake, eh?

What do you think?

- How'd they plant that lawn? - I'm not talking about the garden!

What do you think about the job?

Old Chinese proverb say,

"Rich is the man who take from other rich man."

Very wise, the Chinese, amigo.

Hi, T.C.

We're in the kitchen.

Who the hell leaves his door open,

the alarm off, and the air conditioner on?

This is very strange, amigo.

Rich people very strange. They shave their camera.

Sí.

I don't like this, amigo.

Somebody spoil my job, I get real mad.

- (Doorbell ringing) - Oh, shit.

- Somebody just said, "Oh, shit." - It was me, stupid.

- Did you ring the bell, too? - And how the hell could I do that, huh?

Oh, it must be the police. We've had it.

When have you ever heard of the police ringing the doorbell before an arrest?

(Slurping) Yeah.

Hello, this is the gardener.

(Doorbell ringing)

I've come to take care of the lawn.

(Laughing)

See, traveling salesman, maybe.

Yeah, or maybe one of them Jehovah's Witness dudes.

Whatever. Anyways, they're gone.

So, relax... Be cool.

Hey, don't worry about me, T.C.

I'm cool. (Grunts)

Just checking, T.C.

You're cool, too. Doing fine. Perfect.

Gee, T.C.,

every time I saw one of those birds up in the sky,

I thought they'd look bigger up close.

Shows you how stupid I am.

Don't touch!

Sure, T.C., no fingerprints.

I remember now.

You feel like being a hero today?

Yeah.

Wanna to do something brave?

OK.

I want you to go upstairs and check it out, and I will wait here.

- Alright. - Go on.

(Grumbling)

What's the matter?

I'm afraid of heights.

Go.

(Gasps)

Godzilla. (Laughs)

(Door handle squeaking)

(Speaking in Chinese)

Glitch.

(Moaning)

Huh?

(Continues to moan)

(Grunts)

(Birds chirping, cuckoo cuckooing)

Wow!

Ugh!

(Gasps)

(Panting)

(Grunts)

(Gasps)

- Hey! - What?

Everything OK up there?

Yeah, fine.

- Except there's this guy in the bedroom. - What?

Kind of a Chinese guy. He's on the bed.

What is he doing up there?

- Sleeping. - You ice him?

No, he's not even cold.

Damn! I'm coming up.

Good.

- That was fast. - Heard you talking to yourself.

(Laughs) I wasn't talking to myself, T.C., I was talking to you.

Talking to me when?

Just now, out there.

Oh, Jesus!

What'd you do, kill him?

No, and I didn't ice him either.

He was like that when I walked in.

Who the hell is he?

Looks Chinese to me.

Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.

He also looks like a burglar.

No shit.

No shit.

Came to rip the place off.

You can't trust anybody these days.

- Somebody cold-cocked him. - (Moaning)

Jesus!

You mean there's somebody else around here?

It looks that way.

- Well, what do we do? - Well...

Well, whoever knocked him out is probably still around here.

- We'd better take off. - I'm with you.

(Straining)

- (Door thuds) - Argh!

(Whining)

(Door rattling)

- Did you hear that? - Rats, maybe?

Big rats!

Lee?

Compadre?

- Twenty-five inch. - Seven.

Feels like one.

Freeze, pendejos!

What's a pendejo, T.C.?

It's a Spanish word, means...

- Who the hell are you? - Who the hell are you?

- (Bo) Hey, he asked you first. - Yeah, but I got a gun.

(Todd) Yeah, I'll rephrase that.

Who the hell are you, and why do you have a gun?

- I... I'm the owner. - Bullshit, you're Mexican.

I hate stereotypes.

Go ahead, make...

- What's that line, T.C.? - Day.

Yeah, make my day.

I know, you're a thief.

Nah, I'm Vanna White.

Is he serious?

One more joke out of you, smart-ass, and you're history!

- You shoot me, I might drop this. - Don't push it.

Alright, now put this stuff down nice and easy,

and kiss the floor real slow.

You're just in time, Spencer.

You gotta be kidding me.

Oh, yeah?

What about the shotgun Spencer's holding?

Am I kidding about that, too?

(Screaming)

(Screaming stops)

(Chuckles)

Not bad.

- What? - The Spencer gag.

Oh! No, Spencer always comes to the rescue.

First met him when I was three.

Grandma wanted to spank me.

(Todd) What happened?

Spencer tripped her, she hit her head on a chair.

Died a few days later.

A minor glitch.

Gee, T.C., you know so many $25 words.

What's a glitch?

It's a small problem, temporary. It doesn't stop the program from running.

A glitch.

I like that.

This stuff's getting messy. Let's get outta here.

You know what I think, T.C.?

Tell me what you think.

I think this is getting messy. Let's get this stuff and get out of here.

Right!

(Thud)

(Screaming)

(Both screaming)

(Grunting, sword whooshing)

Enter the ninja.

Scared you, didn't I?

Forgive me, but I have such a flair for theatrics.

I just hate anything ordinary.

Hi, I'm Brucie.

You must be Mr. Lazar.

You look awfully young to be a producer.

You're not one of the Brat Pack, are you?

- Who? - My mistake.

Then you must be Mr. Lazar.

- Who's Bigfoot here? - Uh...

Oh, let me guess.

Oh, of course, silly me!

He's probably your leading man.

Or no, it can't be.

Maybe your director?

Him? No... Right, um... the director.

Who are you?

Nobody, just your little old bodyguard.

- Bodyguard? - Silly, you asked for one.

- I did? - Here.

2367 Maple Road, being this place.

Mr. Julius Lazar, being you,

Saturday, being today, 1:00pm being now,

auditions for "Sex and Violence," being the film,

approximately 100 women, being the actresses.

See? It says it all right here.

OK.

And let me tell you, Mr. Lazar...

- Julie... Can I call you Julie? - Please.

- It's a pleasure to be working for you. - (Bo grunting)

I know what a frightful bother all those women can be, mm-hmm!

I have good references, if you'd like to see them?

That won't be necessary.

My! That's a big one.

- Excuse me? - The monitor!

Are you using it for the screen test?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Oh, let me help.

That's good.

Are you coming or what?

Oh, dear! It's getting late. It's all my fault.

What could I do?

My hairdresser's appointments were all screwed up,

and then that nasty traffic on Sunset!

Sleeping on the job again, ey, Julio?

Who is he, anyway?

Um...

...the gardener.

He's... He was... He was watering these plants,

- and he slipped and hit his head on the tile. - I see.

Why don't you run along and get tidied up.

Better yet, why don't I come along and take care of your wardrobe for you?

(♪ Humming)

Let's find a big closet for this guy until we can lose the marshmallow.

(Brucie) Excuse me!

Look what I found.

You must let me clean your closet one day, Mr. Lazar.

Another glitch, T.C.?

Chill out, dude, it's alright.

I tried to find something quiet.

There, you're all set.

I'll make some espresso while you're getting dressed.

♪ Volare, oh, oh ♪

This guy, Lazar, stands for everything that I hate.

I look awesome.

I'm a director. I'm a director!

What's a director do anyway?

You are not a director, and I am not a producer.

What are we, then?

- (Brucie) ♪ Volare, oh, oh ♪ - We're outta here.

(Man) Freeze, assholes!

Don't move.

Put your hands over your heads and turn slowly.

Very, very slowly.

What the hell do you think you are doing?

Very funny.

Not to me, it isn't, Officer Hormone, or whatever your name is.

Oh, you come onto my property, and you stick a gun in my face,

without any show of a warrant, you know?

I have a good mind to call the mayor and have you transferred to Pacoima

or some other place suitable for your ilk.

What do you... What do you mean, "your property"? Who are you?

I am Julius Lazar, Sherlock.

The Julius Lazar.

Yeah, and you're a glitch.

What were you doing coming down that wall like that?

What was I doing coming down that wall?

Would you listen to this putz?

He wants to know what I was doing coming down this wall.

Well, I will tell you what I was doing coming down this wall, for your information.

I was... I was... I was testing the safety of a stunt,

you know, for my upcoming movie.

You have heard of the movies, haven't you?

Well, safety comes first on my pictures,

'cause I wouldn't have anybody do anything that I would not do myself.

So, that's what I was doing. Now, it is your turn.

Sorry, Mr. Lazar, I didn't figure you'd be quite so young.

Chief didn't tell me you were one of the Brat Pack.

Common mistake, now get on with it.

Yes, sir. I was on my usual patrol, and I noticed a car parked on your property.

Routine investigation showed it belonged to a Paco Galendo.

- Your gardener, sir. - Oh, him.

You were right, T.C., he was a gardener.

We're led to believe he may have teamed up with some other local gardeners

against their employers.

Sort of a green thumb gang.

I'd like to ask him a few questions, if I may.

Oh, well, Paco's out right now.

Yeah, I haven't seen him all day.

I doubt he'd show his face with you around here, sir.

We'll keep an eye out.

Yeah, you do that.

Alright, if you see anything, give the station a call.

- Thank you. - I'll be in the neighborhood.

- I was afraid of that. - Excuse me?

I said, "I was expecting that."

To protect and serve, that's what we're here for, Mr. Lazar.

(Sofa squeaks)

Murphy's law! "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."

You know what I think, T.C.?

You probably think that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

Wow! Sometimes, I swear you're reading my mind.

- Maybe it's not such bad luck after all. - Nah.

I mean, maybe we can make the most of our current misfortune.

Yeah.

- Look on the bright side. - Yeah?

- We got a fantastic house. - Yeah.

- We have a bodyguard of sorts. - Yeah.

And we have 100 women waiting in line to see us.

Yeah!

What do you say, Neanderthal? Wanna be a big shot?

Well, I thought we were supposed to rip this guy off.

That's what we're doing. I mean, the guy is tacky and he's cheap,

a certified asshole.

In a nutshell, it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

This is Julius Lazar.

I'm having some guests over at the mansion today,

and I'm going to need some top-notch catering.

Money is no object.

Let me give you my American Express card number.

That's 100 guests and 200 bottles.

And don't try to sell me that California shit,

Dom Perignon will be fine.

Now, let me give you my American Express card number.

(Both groaning)

(♪ THOMAS MAROLDA: "In California")

♪ In California

♪ In California... ♪

Yo, I'm gonna park this piece of shit, get the next car coming up, alright?

- OK. OK. - (Tires screeching)

♪ Something sad about the way you look

♪ About the way you act

♪ Is clearly understood

♪ The violent way you shake me

♪ If I'm dreaming

♪ I never saw no one like this

♪ Since I've been breathing

♪ In California

♪ In California

♪ Out here the sun shines

♪ For me and you

♪ Out here we got time

♪ For all the things we always wanted to do

♪ In California

♪ In California

♪ Oh, girl, must be sad about the things you do... ♪

(Women chattering)

♪ I want to walk you up and down the avenue

♪ Somebody help me, tell me

♪ That I'm dreaming

♪ I've never found no one like you

♪ Since I've been breathing

♪ In California... ♪

(Women chattering)

♪ In California

♪ Out here the sun shines

♪ For me and you... ♪

Oh, yeah, you're fine.

Oh, here, here.

I was taking a class in motivation, but I guess I wasn't motivated enough.

The only motivation I need's a paycheck, honey.

(Laughs) Well, you really should have been there.

I mean, Dustin, Warren, Jane, you know?

They were all so wonderful!

I mean, I'm there twice a week.

Yeah, the food sucks, but the connections, well...

My manager told me not to go up for this,

but my agent said I was perfect for one of the parts.

Well, I talked to my lawyer,

and he said I would be better off taking my agent's advice,

even though my analyst said I really should get out of this business.

Showtime, folks.

Personally, I hate the chauvinistic portrayal of women in films, my own included.

You might say that I'm a born again producer.

Nudity is important,

but here it is part of a sensitive, compassionate story.

See, there's nothing wrong with nudity, if it is done in good taste.

We are talking X, of course.

(Sighs) Well, OK, but only if I have lines.

Impressive.

You've got talent, you've got passion, you've got great tits, you're hired.

So, how do you want it, bitch?

No, please, for God's sakes.

Next!

And what is your name?

My name is Chernobyl!

And what is it that you do, Chernobyl?

Well...

(Chernobyl cackling, shrieking)

(Laughing)

Next!

So, you thought you could fool Ludwig van Hoven with a cheap imitation?

You break into my palace with nothing but a chunk of worthless glass.

Do I go on?

So, how do you want it, bitch?

No...

For God's sakes, stay away from me.

Next!

I will do for you a scene from Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo! Ach, Romeo!

Warum bist du Romeo?

Trenn dich von deinem Vater, deinem Namen.

Und wenn du das nicht willst, schwöre mir Liebe.

Can you pick it up a little bit, please?

Das Feindliche an dir ist leer, ein Name.

Du selbst bist alles, ein Montague nicht. Romeo!

Montague ist nur Wort, nicht Hand, nicht Fuß,

nicht Arm und Antlitz oder sonst ein Teil, das einen Menschen ausmacht.

(Together) Romeo!

Eine Blume duftet, die wir Rose nennen.

Duftet' sie nicht mehr, wenn sie anders hieße?

Ist er nur Romeo, weil er Romeo heißt?

Romeo!

- Oh! - (Woman panting)

Sorry, I got, I guess... I guess I got carried away.

Can... Can you go back and do that last part again?

It's... It's just for me.

Hi, my name is Tawnee,

and you're gonna love this act. It's very, very hot.

Ugh!

Next!

Have you been in the movies before, Barbara?

Uh, parts of me. (Giggles)

Uh, do you have an agent?

Oh, I'm between agents right now.

Any special skills we should know about?

Yes, I make edible flowers.

(Crunching)

Cut! Ugh...

Next!

Anna, parenthesis...

...teeth clenched.

Parenthesis.

No, honey, those are stage directions. You don't read those.

Oh, I'm sorry.

She crosses to the window.

Are you over five eight?

Actually, I'm five nine.

Great, you're hired.

Next!

Let's see, you are...?

Michelle Wong.

Is your sister here today?

I don't have a sister.

That's just as well. Two Wongs don't make a white.

(Men laughing)

My agent sent me here against my best judgment.

- Mm, we're not casting "Chinatown". - (Men chuckling)

Mr. Lazar, before coming here, I sat through six hours of your films.

I'm flattered.

Don't be.

I found them tasteless, exploitive, full of adolescent humor,

and sleazily preoccupied with T and A.

I admire your straightforwardness.

Usually, I don't have the luxury of passing on auditions,

but this is a travesty.

- Now, now, dear, don't get abusive. - No, it's alright, Brucie.

- This is interesting. - Yeah, chill out, dude.

When was the last time you had a decent performance in one of your films?

Do you even talk to actors?

Talk? Endlessly! I talk to Jack Nicholson every other day.

Jack Nicholson wouldn't tell you what time it was if his life depended on it.

Lady, come on, now, you're starting to hurt my feelings.

What feelings?

Should I throw her out now, Mr. Lazar?

Save your triceps, Lucy, I'll walk.

Ms. Wong...

I think you're wonderful.

Bitch! She called me Lucy.

(Chattering)

That's a wrap, everyone.

There's snacks if you want, and the pool awaits.

We'll be announcing the names of our leading ladies very soon.

(Cheering)

So, relax and enjoy yourselves.

Invite your friends, invite your agents and other animals.

Invite your managers.

Invite your family, cats, dogs, illegal aliens, Colombian drug dealers.

Julius Lazar has turned Crazy Eddie! It's a freebie!

(Cheering)

God, I love this business.

(♪ THOMAS MAROLDA: "That's Life")

♪ Ba, da-ba-dup

♪ Ba-da-dum, ba-da-da, da-da-dum

- ♪ I woke up - ♪ I woke up

- ♪ On the wrong side of bed - ♪ On the wrong side of bed

- ♪ You try to do right - ♪ You try to do right

♪ Where your heart's being led, yeah

♪ Bending rules

♪ I'll get where I'm going

♪ You're a rebel tonight

♪ I'm dressed, and you know it's showing

- ♪ Baby - ♪ That's life ♪

(Putting on foreign accent) Good afternoon, this is Franz Kafka,

personal assistant to Mr. Julius Lazar.

I'm calling in reference to Michelle Wong.

Why, yes, Mr. Adams.

Oh, no, Mr. Lazar was very impressed with her.

Unfortunately, she left rather prematurely,

and we really could not evaluate her talent.

Oh, we're very sorry about it, too.

Uh...

No, Mr. Lazar is very, very serious about considering her for one of the leads,

I kid you not.

No, I will...

Not at all. We just need to communicate with her directly.

So, Mr. Big Shot,

what'd you think of my reading?

It was pretty, pretty clear.

Do you think I have a chance?

Oh, sure... Sure, you got a chance.

One of the leads?

Two, maybe.

Is that a deal?

Oh no, I can't make deals.

Who does?

Mr. Lazar.

You wouldn't happen to know where he might be right now, would you?

Ms. Wong, Michelle.

May I call you Michelle?

Michelle, what do you say we put up the white flag a second here, huh?

Remember, I am the one who has been called to the carpet,

whose name and reputation have been publicly maligned here,

and yet I am calling you.

Now, what does that say about me?

Uh, I'm sorry, that's the wrong answer.

I am not an asshole.

See, people get that impression from me because of my films.

You know, that... that age-old dichotomy between life and art.

What can I say?

All I'm asking for is the chance to prove

that beneath the cheap, sleazy surface of my movies,

call them P movies, if you will,

but there lies a warm, wonderful, intelligent,

and yes, sensitive human being.

Oh, I know you didn't mean to hurt me.

You were only speaking your mind,

and I like my leading ladies to be independent.

Sure, we can talk about it.

The least I can do, right?

Um, how about an hour here at the house?

Perfettamente.

I am looking forward to seeing you again.

À bientôt.

♪ You make the change, you make me understand

♪ You make me feel... ♪

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Hi!

I hope I haven't caught you at a bad moment?

What... No, uh...

(Chuckles) No!

You look pretty excited.

No, I was, you know, rehearsing a scene.

If you bought it, it must be pretty good.

I love a man who's passionate about his work.

I'm passionate about everything I put my mind to,

and I'm good.

Real good.

Uh-huh, uh...

Uh... (Chuckling)

(Man) Om...

Om...

Om...

Hi there, handsome.

Handsome?

I don't think we've met.

I'm Brucie.

Ooh, that's nice.

You wanna go steady?

You were born under the sign of Scorpio,

November 22nd, 1958, 4:33am.

If you're so smart, then tell me my social security number.

102-03-4713.

Dear me, you are psychic.

And a hip hypnotist.

- The best. - I bet you are.

There's somebody here you have to meet.

Come here, come on!

(Bo) Oh, come on.

(Bo chuckles)

- (Brucie) Bo? - Oh, hi, Brucie. You wanna talk to me?

- (Brucie) Yeah, come here, cupcakes. - I gotta go.

- This is our director. - What?

- I would have thought an agent. - Really? Why?

His IQ is exceeded by that of the average cucumber.

- What did he say? - You wouldn't understand.

I probably wouldn't understand anyway.

We must talk for a moment.

Come, let's find a quiet place.

Hey, you're not gay, are you?

Just relax.

(Inhales, then exhales)

Good.

Watch my eyes. Concentrate.

I'm going to penetrate those layers of muscle and rejuvenate that long dormant mind.

Do you see this?

Yeah, it's 4:25.

Well, at least you can tell time.

It's easy, you can do it, too.

When Mickey's little hand is on the four,

and his big hand is on the five...

Good, good. That's very good, Bo.

Now, I'm going to take you back into time,

deep into your past, into your childhood.

Back to the point when you were three years old.

(Boyish voice) Spencer!

Who? Who is Spencer?

Spencer, friend. Spencer, my friend.

Good! Let's talk about this Spencer.

(Normal voice) OK.

Spencer. Let's talk about this Spencer.

Are they sag or non-sag?

Non-sag, definitely.

- I wish mine were. - You should see my surgeon.

- Is he good? - The best.

But it's only a temporary thing. He really wants to write and direct.

- Listen to me, Bo. - (Boyish voice) Listen.

I'm going to bring you back to the present now.

Otay!

When I bring you back, Bo, you will be a new man.

Sharp. (Chuckles)

Witty. (Chuckles)

Intelligent. (Chuckles)

The kind of kid you used to be before Spencer came along.

Spencer's gone now.

No more Spencer.

Spencer bad.

Spencer stupid.

Now, when you hear this sound...

...your natural intellect will come back to you.

Now, on three.

One, two...

(Knocking on door)

(Normal voice) Hey, that was great, Mr. Mookie.

Can I go now?

There's a lot of women around here, and I need to get laid.

Thanks.

What the hell is this?

Do come in.

Hi. Um, we're looking for Mr. Lazar.

You can speak with me, I'm the director.

Great! Um, my agent's here at the party and wants to talk to you.

Oh, I'm Kathy.

Hello.

I'm Donna, her best friend.

Charmed, I'm sure.

- Shall we? - Sure.

It worked!

For the first fucking time, it worked.

(Laughs)

(Women chattering)

So, tell me about the movie.

I mean, everyone's talking.

Big production.

- How big? - I'm talking real big.

- Ooh! - Lots of big names, too.

Impress me. I love big names.

May I help you?

Julius Lazar.

Not me, old chap. I am but the humble director of this $20 million extravaganza.

Is that so? Where's Lazar?

I'm sure I don't know. Who's asking for him?

Name's Dubois.

You wanna see my card?

Don't need to stand on formalities. You're probably an agent.

Yeah, you could say that.

And if these gentlemen are your clients,

I'm afraid we're not casting the plug uglies today.

Well, we would like to see Mr. Lazar.

So would everyone else.

We're investors.

Well... (Chuckles)

Uh, I believe he's engaged in a meeting at this moment.

I'm glad to show you the way.

(Dubois) Thank you.

Please, make yourselves comfortable, while I greet Mr. Lazar.

It's a fucking ambush! Get 'em!

(Grunting)

(Bones crunching, Lee whimpers)

(Laughing)

(Paco) Hey man, we won't hurt you.

Get moving.

- Where are we going? - Funny! Lazar!

Now!

OK.

I guess I should knock first.

That, or we break it down.

Hey, you're not going to hurt the little guy, are you?

Just open the door, muscles.

OK.

T.C., I mean, Mr. Lazar!

Mr. Lazar must be having a private meeting.

We'll endeavor to interrupt.

As you can see, Mr. Lazar is a man of expensive tastes.

A point reflected in his movies.

His lifestyle's quite frequently been compared to Hugh Hefner,

although his wealth is far vaster.

An investment in a J.L. production

- is as good as money in the bank. - (Todd) Yes, yes, yes, yes, oh!

Feel free to talk to him. He is quite powerful,

but not without a certain low-key charm.

Oh, yes.

Sorry to bother you, Chief.

This gentleman would like a word with you.

May I present Mr. Dubois, prominent Nevada Financier.

He wishes to talk business with you.

Excuse us a moment, my dear.

And thank you for the scintillating conversation.

(Woman) Bye for now. Call my agent.

Now, what can I do for you, sir?

Let me tell you a little bit about myself.

Here comes the pitch.

I was in the Marines for seven years.

The pay wasn't worth shit,

and believe me, it ain't an adventure, it's a job.

But the only satisfaction I got was killing people.

Sometimes, even that got boring.

Got back stateside,

had a choice of being a technical advisor for stupid Vietnam movies,

or a hitman.

Wanna guess which one I took?

I didn't catch your name on the "Platoon" credits.

Which brings us to our present business.

Don't tell me, a Nevada family wants to launder some money.

They already did that.

Excuse me?

"Pink Thunder". You reported a million two, it only cost you three hundred thou.

I'm always ahead of schedule and under budget.

I want the other nine hundred thou plus expenses, plus interest,

plus the family share of the profits.

And don't give me any of that break-even bullshit.

We read "Variety", too.

What would be the exact sum that we're talking here?

Well, the family estimates it at a million six,

but I'll settle for a million five hundred and ninety-nine thou.

Generous.

(Chuckles) Don't mention it.

Bo? Checkbook, please.

As you wish.

Mr. Dubois, if you would follow me please?

Mr. Lazar's checks, you see, are not waterproof.

- (Chuckles) - Yes.

Minor glitch, T.C., all under control.

♪ Ooh, I've never been here before

♪ All the things that seemed so important

♪ Don't matter anymore

♪ You cast a spell on me

♪ That won't ever go

♪ You're filling me up

♪ And I'm about to overflow

- Beautiful day. - (Women giggling)

(Gasping)

Look!

Hi, woo!

Hi! Shit...

Ooh, isn't he just too eccentric?

I think he must be acting out one of his scenes.

- Yeah... - (All laughing)

Shit!

Oh, shit!

He's getting away, get him!

(Women cheering, applauding)

- The party's a success, Julie. - Man, we got a problem.

Oh, God! Don't tell me we ran out of Dom Perignon?

No, there's some people here, and I don't think they like me very much,

and I think they wanna hurt me.

Well, what can I do about that?

Do? You're a fucking bodyguard! This is my fucking body!

Guard my fucking body, got it?

Alright, I'll see what I can do.

Swell.

Hi, handsomes, do I sense a certain hostility on your parts?

Oh, dear! Well, if there is to be violence,

I feel it's only fair to warn you that I'm a certified ninja and a Kung Fu expert.

- Huh? - What's going on?

(Women gasping, man groaning)

Sorry if I hurt you.

Number one, I hate violence.

(Yelling, grunting)

Number two, if only people would learn to talk out their problems,

we could all live happily ever after.

(Yelling)

(Grunting)

(Cheering)

Pretty impressive, no?

What did you say?

I said, "Pretty impressive," old chap.

(Groaning)

I must be seeing things.

No, sport, what you're seeing is pure, undistilled reality.

Brucie here is cleaning house, and I have a 238 IQ.

(Gasping)

What the hell is going on?

I wouldn't want to surmise, really.

No one's complaining, though.

You see, I suddenly realized it was Spencer who held back my natural intelligence,

who drove me into my former cocoon of sub-literate behavior.

(Grunting)

Hello!

What?

Spencer's gone now, Todd. I found my real self again.

And I must say, it does have its advantages.

One, I no longer have to endure

mistreatment of a verbal and physical nature, from unsophisticated jerks like yourself.

Thanks.

What's two?

(Grunting)

Women love intelligent men

who also happen to have great bodies.

(Yelling)

(Gasping)

(Yelling)

(Grunting)

(Screaming)

(Grunting)

(Cheering, applauding)

Thank you. Thank you.

This is what they call Hollywood magic.

- These stuntmen are so real. - Yeah.

(Growling)

- Oh, shit, I gotta get out of here. - (Growling)

(Grunting) Ow!

Oh, my God.

(Chuckles)

Hi.

(Groans)

Hope you can talk with your mouth full.

Can you, punk?

That's the worst Clint Eastwood I ever heard.

- What? - Forget it. Argh!

Wait, wait, wait.

- There's something I forgot to tell you. - I'm all ears.

I'm not Julius Lazar.

No...

You're Bugs Bunny.

And I'm Elmer Fudd.

No, honest, Lazar's in Hawaii.

I can even tell you the name of the hotel he was staying at.

Talk fast.

(Michelle) Stop it!

- What'd you say, lady? - I said, "Stop it!"

Whatever matters you have to settle with Mr. Lazar can wait.

He's Mr. Lazar?

No, he's Bugs Bunny, and you're Elmer Fudd.

Of course he's Mr. Lazar!

You lying asshole, you.

I can't believe I let you sweet talk me into coming here, Mr. Lazar.

I have a good mind to leave right now.

So, either talk to me or fight, one or the other.

(Whirring)

What are you doing? Let go of me!

Get your hands off of me! I'll try and fight!

Mr. Lazar, let go of me!

Dammit, let go of me!

Come here!

I'm warning you, Mr. Lazar,

I not only have a very good agent, I also have a good lawyer who...

Shut up!

- What did you say? - I said, "Shut up!"

(Helicopter whirring)

(Women screaming)

Ugh!

Send somebody, quick.

Mr. Lazar's mansion, there's a fight.

Hey!

Where are you, you pink piece of shit?

Bring your motherfucking ass out here.

I'm not afraid of you!

I've spent seven fucking years in the Marines, Jack.

I can handle you!

Come on out here.

Kiss my ass, goddammit!

Come on, you little pink... Oh, shit!

(Grunting)

Argh...!

(Groaning)

(Panting)

(Screeching to a halt)

Knock, knock.

Ooh!

Oh, no, Mr. Bill! Not the sword!

♪ Dum, da-da-dum, da-da-dah, da-da-dum

♪ Da-da-dum, da-da-dum, da-da-dah, da-da-dum ♪

En garde, Candy Tits.

- (Grunts) - Ooh.

(Grunting)

(Woman screaming, Brucie giggling)

(Grunting)

(Panting)

(Growling)

Ooh!

(Groaning)

- Ah! - (Gasps)

Well, I'm listening.

You know, if I had known you were gonna turn out to be a superficial bitch like this,

I wouldn't have bothered.

How dare you!

It's, like, I tricked you here and, you know, promised you the moon,

because I fell for you.

I liked your honesty. I said, "Oh, she's different, she's got balls,"

but, you know, boy was I wrong.

- Listen, Mr. Lazar... - Don't call me Lazar.

Lazar is an asshole.

I can't argue with that one.

You just don't get it, do you?

- I'm not a producer. - You're not a producer?

My name is not Lazar.

Your name's not Lazar?

I mean, look around you.

Do I look like Lazar?

Do I... Do I look like Lazar?

Would a guy like me sleep on a bed like this?

I'm a burglar.

A common thief.

A criminal.

Just your average nice guy.

(Grunting)

Ooh.

(Gasping)

(Whimpering)

(Gasps)

Oh! (Chuckles)

Oh, God.

It's times like this, I wish I were a lesbian.

(Cheering)

- You mean, you came here to, uh...? - That's right.

We got trapped in here and had to play along, so we wouldn't get caught.

What can I say?

I came, I saw, I fell in love.

Not with me.

Of course, with you. I had no choice.

Sit!

- Good boy. - (Cheering)

Suppose, just suppose, I believe you.

You're a burglar, your name is Todd.

All this is not what it seems to be.

Where's the real Lazar?

Come on, come on, come on. Move your ass.

Calm down, honey nipples.

I can't calm down, and stop calling me honey nipples.

It's not my fault the plane had engine trouble.

We could have taken another one.

Fucking planes, I hate them.

They're not as safe as cars.

I just wanna get back to the peace and quiet of my own home.

♪ You get me off... ♪

(Horn beeping)

(Tires screeching)

(Alarm beeping)

What the fuck?

Wow, looks like a great party, and we missed it.

- Let me get your car, sir? - No, you can't take my fucking car.

Just get out of my fucking way.

Not now, Bo.

- I'm afraid this can wait, J.L. - Cut the shit already.

She knows I'm not Lazar.

Great, because he just arrived.

Hey, wait, hey... Where the hell do you think you're going?

- Looking for Mr. Goodbar. - Not Goodbar, Lazar.

Oh, come outta here, out!

(Sirens wailing)

(Valet) Can I get your car, sir?

Will you look at this? I'm gonna kill somebody!

Freeze!

Put your hands above your head.

- What the fuck? - Now!

Kiss the light.

I hope you got a warrant.

I don't need a warrant when the suspect's caught breaking and entering.

Breaking and entering, are you out of your fucking mind?

I own this house, I'm Julius Lazar.

Right, and I'm Bugs Bunny. She's Elmer Fudd. Now, don't move.

I'm gonna have your badge for this.

I know the mayor. I'm going to call him up and have your transferred to Pacoima,

or some other place suitable for someone of your ilk!

(Whispering) What an asshole!

Alright, look, I'm willing to forget this intrusion, OK?

(Gun clicks, Julius gasps)

If you'll just get my driver's license out of my inside pocket.

(Gasps)

Driver's license, huh?

You're named Trojan?

Does this mean you don't trust me, Julie?

Or does it mean you're seeing other women?

Or don't you wanna have my children, like your promised?

Either way, you really suck!

- Missy! - (She grunts)

The other pocket, putz.

(Grunts)

Shit! You are Julius Lazar.

Yes, that's what I was trying to tell you, but you wouldn't listen!

So, the other guy I caught was...

(Julius) What other guy?

(Cop) The real crook.

Freeze, assholes!

And don't tell me you're Julius Lazar.

Paco, what the hell you think you're doing here?

Oh, señor, I come to water the plants,

and somebody attacked me.

Harmon, release this man, he's my gardener.

He's also a thief.

We want him and his partner here for questioning.

Well, take them. And while you're at it, get everyone else out of here, too.

That's it, then. The Mounties got their man.

I believe we're definitely safe.

Yeah, now all we have to do is walk out of here,

without being too conspicuous.

In these clothes, shit!

Uh... Hey, wait a minute, come here, come here.

Paco, today is Saturday.

Now, you usually come on Mondays.

Sì, señor.

Mi esposa's having a baby Monday,

so I decided to come today instead.

Wait a minute, you don't have any keys.

Son of a bitch, you are a burglar.

You goddamn wetback asshole!

I'm gonna call the INS, and I'm gonna have you shipped back over the border.

You tried to rob my house.

I'll get them to the station, Mr. Lazar. We'll take good care of them.

No, no, hold it, hold it, hold it. Come here.

Paco didn't invite all these people.

No, no, I didn't invite nobody.

I even brought my own lunch.

And Paco didn't tell you that he was me. So, who did?

Come to think of it, it wasn't.

It was a couple of young guys.

One about five nine, brown hair.

The other one, not too bright, man. About six four, blonde.

Sì, sì, those ladrones, burglars.

They hit me and my amigo.

Hurt us real bad.

Harmon, those assholes have gotta be around here somewhere.

You find them.

I'll radio for some help, sir, they might be armed.

Yeah, well make it fast. We're talking my life and property here.

(♪ Hits random notes)

Well, maybe the day's not a loss after all.

Uh... Hey, you!

Yeah, you. Come on down here for a minute, I won't bite.

Posture, ladies, posture.

(Julius) Maybe I will.

Come on, girls.

Well, you must be actresses.

Yes, we are.

My name is Michelle.

This is my friend, Tanya,

and this is his... her friend, Barbara.

A pleasure. You do nudity?

No, I'm afraid not.

Well, how about Tanya here?

Looks like you got a nice little body on you.

Don't be silly, Mr. Bazar.

I'm Mormon.

And you, Barbara? You're no slouch, either.

Let me show you my jacuzzi.

- I like my women big. - (Bo yells)

Get your hands off my ass, douchebag!

Sorry I blew it, T.C.

Harmon!

Mr. Lazar, there's something you should know before you go getting the police involved.

You stay away from me, punk!

You are in deep enough shit already. Harmon!

I mean the laundered money in "Pink Thunder".

Har...!

What did you say?

Yes, Mr. Lazar?

(Grunts)

(Smooching)

"Pink Thunder", Julie.

- A million two. - Oh! Oh!

Oh, Harman, yeah...

Just take those two foreign assholes to the station,

and, uh... and get the hell out of here, OK? Can't you see I'm busy?

Sure thing, Mr. Lazar.

(Bo) Julie!

Kinky old bastard.

You see, Julie,

we didn't expect the kind of shit you were gonna get us into.

First, you leave your house unlocked.

Legally, that's called agent provocateur.

You know, tempt a burglar go to jail.

Then we find your gardeners engaged in a serious misdemeanor,

not to mention they're pointing a gun on us.

Then 100 women crawl out of the woodwork,

and hey, to top things off, we get introduced to your friend, Dubois,

and his staff of leg breakers.

Really, Julius, you should pay your bills.

OK, OK, how much do you want, 500?

Julie, baby,

what kind of people do you think we are?

We're interested in artistic integrity, not financial compensation.

(Phone ringing)

Go ahead.

- Hello? - (Mort) 'Julie, it's Mort.'

Oh, hi, Mort, baby. Good to hear your voice.

- 'Yeah, Julie, are you watching?' - Watching what?

'Channel seven, you son of a bitch. You made the national news!'

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

'It's... It's a very big thing, you should see yourself. You look...'

Oh, God!

What's the matter?

It's over.

Do you know what you've done?

We're on the news.

Great, let's watch.

'Notorious B Movie producer, Julius Lazar, made Los Angeles headlines today,

'at an invitation-only party, held at his lavish multi-million dollar Malibu estate.

'Lazar, best known for exploitation spoofs like "Pink Thunder",

'told assembled guests, he will make the first X-rated film,

'to feature major Hollywood stars.

'Although not confirmed by their representatives,

'Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise, and Eddie Murphy

'are said to be among those already secured for the $20 million production.

'Major studios, which have shunned the X rating since "Midnight Cowboy",

'are said to have reacted favorably to the idea.

'Noted one executive from Paramount,

'"If Nicholson does it, we'll distribute."

'Lazar himself was not available for comment.'

I'm ruined.

Julie, what are you talking about? You're a hit.

Big time.

Out with the sleazy exploitation films, in with the big time pictures.

I'm history, I'm washed up.

Not true, J.L.

This is Hollywood. The dumber it is, the more it grosses.

Oh, you're full of shit.

You disappoint me, Julie.

How many years in the business is it now, huh? Ten? Twenty?

And you still don't get it.

This town doesn't want small pictures that make money,

they want big pictures that lose a fortune.

And you're part of the hype now.

We have a gold mine here.

"We"?

Who's "we"?

(Todd) Us, babe.

Our story, your name.

Bright lights, big bucks.

You don't know anything about making movies.

Nothing, and the less we know the more they'll want.

Just think of it, a $20 million X-rated film.

We'll get a studio deal, play around with the development money,

live the life of Riley,

and spectacularly fail to give them what they expect,

and give them something bigger and better.

Nothing succeeds like failure.

And once we fail big, we'll just get bigger and bigger deals,

fail harder and harder,

until pretty soon, they'll give us $40 million

for the sequel to "Howard the Duck" or "Ishtar".

We can forge actors' names on checks and become studio president.

You could become a celebrated crook.

They'll fire you, of course, and you'll get a better job.

It's the only way to get respect in Hollywood.

You're on your way to the top, kid. Trust me.

- You mean it, Julie? - Well, of course I mean it, goddammit.

I'll be loyal. You're not such a bad kid.

You're not so bad yourself, honey nipples. (Giggles)

- I'm glad we're going to Hawaii. - Me too.

Fucking planes.

All set, Mr. L.

Now, you two love birds have fun. We'll take care of the rest.

Just don't let them break anything, OK, cupcake?

Don't worry about a thing. I'll be like a mother to them.

I'm sure you will.

Life's a bitch.

(Engine starts)

(Tires screeching)

(♪ THOMAS MAROLDA: "I Promise")

♪ In a world of deception

♪ I would be a fool

♪ Not to notice you're the exception to the rule

♪ So, I promise not to let you go

♪ I promise I'll always love you

♪ I promise not to let you go

♪ If you want me to

♪ Holding you so near

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh... ♪

Promise to love me?

I do.

Promise to care?

I do.

Promise you'll never look at another woman again?

I do.

Promise you won't become a typical Hollywood asshole?

I do.

♪ I promise not to let you go

♪ If you want me to... ♪

Aww!

Marvelous bouquet.

(Man) 'Hey, Bo, anybody there?'

Mom, Spencer?

'I don't know anybody named Spencer down here, Bo.

'What's the deal with these fireworks? They start in three hours.'

Well, I don't know anything about fireworks, but go ahead and launch them, I guess.

(Fireworks shrieking)

♪ I promise not to let you go

♪ I promise I'll always love you

♪ I promise that I'll always care

♪ If you want me to

♪ I promise not to let you go

♪ I promise to love you always

♪ I promise I'm not going anywhere

♪ I'll always be here

♪ Oh, I promise ♪

(♪ THOMAS MAROLDA: "That's Life")

♪ Ba, da-ba-dup

♪ Ba-da-dum, ba-da-da, da-da-dum

- ♪ I woke up - ♪ I woke up

- ♪ On the wrong side of bed - ♪ On the wrong side of bed

- ♪ You try to do right - ♪ You try to do right

♪ Where your heart's being led, yeah

♪ Bending rules

♪ I'll get where I'm going

♪ You're a rebel tonight

♪ I'm dressed, and you know it's showing

- ♪ Baby - ♪ That's life

♪ Some things never change in a love affair

♪ That's life

♪ We can rearrange this love affair

♪ That's life

♪ Ba, da-ba-dup

♪ Ba-da-dum, ba-da-da, da-da-dum

- ♪ I woke up - ♪ I woke up

- ♪ My room has no view - ♪ My room has no view

- ♪ You drive down the road - ♪ You drive down the road

♪ I wanna be next to you

♪ You, girl

♪ Some days get hot

♪ You're getting real hot

♪ But together we can fly

- ♪ You get me off - ♪ You get me off

♪ 'Cause there's love in your eyes

- ♪ Baby, baby - ♪ That's life

♪ Some things never change in a love affair

♪ That's life

♪ We can rearrange this love affair

♪ That's life

♪ Ba, da-ba-dup

♪ Ba-da-dum, ba-da-da, da-da-dum

♪ Ba-da-da, da-da-dum

♪ Ba, da-ba-dup

♪ Ba-da-dum, ba-da-da, da-da-dum

- ♪ Some things get hot - ♪ Ooh, it gets hot

♪ But together we can fly

- ♪ You get me off - ♪ You get me off

♪ Girl, you know that there's love in your eyes

- ♪ Baby - ♪ That's life

♪ Some things never change in a love affair

♪ That's life

♪ We can rearrange this love affair

♪ That's life

♪ Ba, da-ba-dup

♪ Ba-da-dum, ba-da-da, da-da-dum

- ♪ I woke up - ♪ I woke up

- ♪ My room has no view - ♪ My room has no view

- ♪ You drive down the road - ♪ You drive down the road

- ♪ I wanna be next to you - ♪ You, girl

- ♪ Some things get hot - ♪ You're getting real hot

♪ But together we can fly

- ♪ You get me off - ♪ You get me off

♪ 'Cause there's love in your eyes

- ♪ Baby, baby - ♪ That's life

♪ Some things never change in a love affair

♪ That's life

♪ We can rearrange this love affair

♪ That's life ♪