Original subtitles

- Yeah, Horace.

- Hey, baby. Ooh.

- Hey, baby. Come here.

- Come here.

- Ah. - Ah.

- You're naughty.

- Hello.

Anybody home?

Can you tell the petunias

that the coffee grounds are here,

so wake up?

You know, the great thing about you, Mr. Snail,

is that you'll always have a roof over your head.

Even if we don't.

Andale, Nando!

Tell your mom and sister to hurry.

I wanna beat traffic.

- There's already a traffic jam in the bathroom.

Aurora!

Aurora, let's go!

Let's go!

- That's natural fertilizer right there.

It's potassium, phosphate, nitrogen.

At least I hope that's all you have.

Let's go!

- Gustavo.

Mi amor.

I was thinking,

should we build a second bathroom?

Or should we use the money for air-conditioning?

- Aurora, come on.

- Coming.

- Nando!

Come on, I'm leaving.

- Where's your brother? Where's Nando?

Nando!

Nando!

- I'm coming!

I don't care. I don't care.

Get outta here! This is my house!

They wanna throw us out of the house.

Please. I have my kid here.

Don't let them do this.

Gustavo, please, look.

- Help me, Gustavo, please.

Please help me.

- They let her buy a house she can't afford?

- Yeah, they did.

- Oh, nada.

I just gotta stop eating chicharróns

before I go to bed.

- Please, Gustavo. Help me, Gustavo.

Gustavo.

- 12.

13.

- Hey!

- Andale, Chuy. I have a job interview.

Come on, man.

- Hey, Chuy.

What happened? She doesn't kiss you anymore?

- Long time ago.

Look at this shit.

- Stop, stop, stop. Drop me here.

Drop me here, Papi. Drop me here. Drop me here.

- Stop. - Let me out! Let me out!

- It's not till the next block.

- Let her out.

Go, mi'ja.

- Good luck, baby!

- Hey, let's go before we get carjacked.

Rise and shine? - Do it.

- Are we done yet?

- Ah, ah, ah, not till 3:00.

- Hey, Pops, how come these places are always empty?

- Yeah, it does seem like we spend

more time in their homes than they do.

Hey, Chuy, angle the rows.

It's better for the grass.

- Flaco.

Come on, I'm not paying you to stand around

listening to birds.

I should be in charge of 500 guys.

I should give the orders, not take 'em.

That's all I'm asking.

- You got a problem?

- Mosquitos kill more people than sharks.

- Thank you.

- It's time we give this mule a proper burial.

- What's your name? - Tiffany.

- Yeah, I have never seen anything like it.

- Ah.

Mrs. Glickman, por favor, if I could have a minute.

- It is the third will I've prepared this month

for that horny old bastard.

- If you have a moment, I'd like to ask you a favor.

- Not now, please. Yeah.

Each with a different female beneficiary.

- If I could have a small advance,

I could do a lot of extras.

I could clean the plants inside, the gutters.

I just need a small--

- Mi housekeeper handle-y staff-o stuff-o.

- I could be on call 24-7.

- Your competition works first month free.

- Did you just fire me?

- I need to be thrifty, like everyone else, Hector.

Hector?

Who the hell is Hector?

Well, let's pack up our gear.

The Hondurans poached another one.

- Cowards.

Stealing our customers.

- They're no cowards.

If they didn't swim across the Gulf of Mexico,

they walked through a hot desert to get here.

That's no cowards.

- Okay, but you were born here, right?

You're a taxpaying citizen,

just like the president.

And because of these illegals, you can't feed your family.

- Chuy. Hey, Chuy.

What are you doing, Chuy?

Huh? Stealing their lawn mower?

Three strikes and you go to jail forever.

- In the clink, I get three meals and free dental.

- You're not in the clink.

You're free and you're gonna stay that way.

- No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. No, no.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- It's nothing. No, no. Wait, no.

Mira, mira, guys.

- We're not. We're not stealing it.

I was trying to return it.

No, no, we just--

- Yah!

- La migra!

La migra!

Vámanos! Vámanos!

- Get down. Don't move. - Get outta here!

- Andale! Andale! Vamos!

- What's going on here?

- Take this. I'm a repeat offender.

I got priors.

- What are y'all fighting about?

I'm gonna arrest one of y'all.

- Uh, four?

- Hi. - Hi.

You speak English?

- Sí.

- Your parents have a gardener?

- Mm, yes.

- Okay. How much?

- My accountant. - $100.

- What?

No, it's a dollar!

- Excuse me, sir?

I was driving by and I noticed a fine gentleman like yourself

doing this lawn.

Why don't you let me and my boys do that for you?

- Oh, no. I do my own chores.

Curls for the girls.

- Wait a minute.

You're that guy

from "Days of Our Wives," aren't you?

- Troy Hudson.

- Yeah, yeah, didn't you win, like, a dozen Daytime Emmys

or something like that?

- 11, actually, but for some reason,

people tend to exaggerate when they talk about me.

- Yeah.

You know, my wife went through a box of tissues

the day your show got canceled.

- Oh.

If a woman cries over me, she's not the poorer for it.

- So what's your secret?

- Oh, do you want the simple or the complex answer to that?

Women just love to be loved.

- Do you know anybody else that could use our services?

- Oh, the Hancock place could use some attention.

Just down there on the left.

- Down here? - Yeah.

- Thank you. - All right, gentlemen.

- Good afternoon.

This is the Alvarez Landscaping Company.

We're looking for work.

- Threat detected.

- Siri lives here.

- Threat detected. - What do you expect?

You look like a bandit.

- Gustavo, I think I broke into this house once.

- Threat detected.

Threat detect--

- I've seen this spread before.

They filmed "Machete Massacre" here.

- It's a disaster.

- No, listen to me.

You see trash, I see cash.

This is an opportunity.

You know the Lopez gang?

That's how they got the Playboy Club.

- I bet they even get sleepovers.

- Gardeners with benefits.

- Quit clowning around. Come on.

Let's clean up. Let's go.

Hello!

Gustavo Alvarez.

If your garden is a mess, I will clean it for less.

Hey, anybody home?

Hello!

- You won't be the first maid I've fired for complaining.

- Lupe, come play with me.

- Oh, here. I'm back here.

Come here.

- Anything wrong, Lupe?

- No.

- Good.

I'm going to need you to stay a little longer today.

- Any day but today.

Today is my anniversary--

- You know how upset Henry gets

if you're not here when he wakes from his nap.

Mm.

There you go!

Sí, sí.

Two fake IDs. - Congratulations, jefe.

And next time those cabrónes try to take our lawn mower,

bang, bang!

- You here to buy back your camera?

- No. I got this.

Here for the...

- Oh-ho. Pancho Villa has returned!

Gustavo, a man like you,

he's got a big heart, hmm?

But maybe you need

a little faith?

Now, remember, it's not the size that counts.

Don't wanna overcompensate.

- Thank you.

all: Surprise!

- Aww, Papi!

- Oh. - Yay.

- Hey. How are you? Flaco, hey.

- Mwah.

- Wah! - Whoo!

- Where's your mother?

- Not home yet.

- Who's paying for all this?

- Ay, Papi, relax, okay?

Happy anniversary.

It's your 25th anniversary.

Romeo and Juliet didn't even make it to one.

- Yeah, we might not make it to 26.

- Ay, just relax, okay?

How about you just go change

and I'll stay here entertaining our guests?

- Are we paying for this?

- Ay, just go change.

- Make sure you save the bottle.

That looks expensive.

- Got that.

All right, fiesta!

all: Tequila!

- Oh!

- Gustavo! - Hey.

- Congratulate us. We're getting married.

- Oh, I didn't know she was pregnant.

- I'm not.

- Oh. Well, sorry.

- Oh, we're running out of beer.

- Yeah? Try drinking it slower.

- Whoo! - Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey. Hey.

Shh. Shh. - What is Chuy doing?

He's drunk.

- Shh.

El jefe hired me

when nobody else gave me a break.

He didn't care how many dudes I snuffed.

Wherever you are, without you,

I'd be pushing up daisies instead of planting 'em.

- Here I am. Here I am.

- Hey.

- It's amazing what a joint and a couple of beers

can get a person to say about you, but--

But I thank you anyways.

- I love you.

- I like you.

You know, your real wealth is in your friends,

and tonight, I'm a very rich man.

My wife means everything to me.

25 years ago,

when I first laid eyes on her,

I couldn't believe that God had let an angel come to Earth.

So I just simply want to say

that anyone who's ever been in love

will know what I'm feeling now

times 25.

You know, if she would've said no, I--

I don't know where I'd be now.

Thank God she was drunk,

and that's why God made tequila.

Who knows when or if

we'll be able to share another moment

in this backyard again?

But here's to my Lupe.

people: Aww. - I love Lupe.

I love you, and I wish on every one of you

who's ever been in love...

To have a love like mine.

Thank you.

- Sí? - Sí.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, Pops, you lost your touch.

- Hey.

- Hey.

You get that from your mother, not me.

- Pops, what happens if we get arrested for trespassing

and I can't call Mom to bail us out?

- Nobody's gonna get arrested, and if we do,

the way you play with that boy,

you'll fit right in with a bunch of men.

- I'm the only kid on Earth without a phone.

- Hey!

You scared me.

How the hell'd you get in here?

- The doggy door.

- That's a big dog.

- Never been inside a castle before.

- Oh, I suppose you don't remember

me taking you to Disneyland's magic castle.

- That doesn't count. - Why?

- Not when you made me pretend I was ten years old

to get in half-price.

My knees still hurt

from walking around like this all day.

- You got in, didn't you?

Hello!

Hello?

- Hey, Pops,

Horace Hancock must be on vacation.

- What are you doing going through his mail?

Put that back!

Ha. Publishers Clearing House.

Like he needs it.

Let's go. Let's go.

Hello!

Hello! Anybody home?

- Some females would kill

to be with the king of the jungle.

And although the mating session is quick...

- Hello!

- The female is not complaining.

- Sir?

We're the gardeners that cleaned up your yard.

Did you like that? Sir?

Hello!

Damn.

Don't tell me he's...

- Dead? - No, no, cállate.

Please don't be dead. I need this job.

- Damn, talk about a stiff.

- Will you stop doing that?

Disrespectful.

Let me see.

He's awfully cold.

Aw, man.

Now who's gonna pay me?

- Pops, Pops, Pops,

the old man was filming himself doing the deed.

- Stop that. Give me the phone. I gotta call 911.

- We can't. - Why?

- We're trespassing and we can't afford a lawyer,

especially one of those free ones.

- Look at this.

That's a lot of blue pills.

Let's get outta here.

Got your fingerprints all over the place.

- Thanks for the phone.

- What?

What in the hell are you doing?

You're supposed to be working.

Blowing each other like that.

- So give us the good news.

- Well...

- Father, allow me, please.

Gentlemen, the place was dead.

Lifeless. Gone.

Finit. - All right.

- Stick a fork in it. - Did we get the job?

- Uh, well...no.

- What is that?

- Not worth the price of a pit bull

but still a really nice score.

- We did not steal the man's dog.

- If nobody was home,

how do you know it belongs to a man?

- A woman wouldn't own a dog like that.

- What do you know about women?

- You know I've been married three times.

- Proves my point.

How come I gotta ride with Scooby-Doo?

- Rich.

R-I-C-H.

Gold.

G-O-L-D.

Damn.

Hey. Hey.

What's the password, huh?

Hey. Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me. What's the password?

Hey, what's the password for his phone?

What's the password?

Come back here. Horace, Horace.

- Dad said we couldn't afford another mouth to feed.

His business must be booming again, huh?

I almost got the house back together.

- Hey, you wanna go play?

You wanna go play? Let's go play outside.

Let's go play outside.

- How is the job search?

Mom, the one agency that gave me the interview

wanted me to get a butt-lift just to answer phones.

- When you're done feeling sorry for yourself,

help with the dishes.

Think of it like... like aqua aerobics.

- Easy, easy, easy. - Oh, sorry, boss.

- What? - Boss.

- You are late on your payments

and your house is foreclosed.

- What? You are mistaken.

You probably mean, like, the house down the street.

- No, señorita.

- Señorita. What señorita?

- You are evicted.

Your balloon payment just went...

- Hey, put that down!

Put that down! Tell them to put that down.

- Not your couch anymore. - Put that down. Hey.

Tell them to put that down.

- Lady! - Put it down. Abajo.

- Hey, boss. - Put it down!

- What are you-- what are you doing?

- Get outta here. Come on. Let's get out of here.

- Get her out. Come on.

- No. This is my house.

- Not anymore. - You gotta get down, lady.

- This is my house! Stop it!

No! Stop it!

Put me down!

No, you're not taking it away from me.

- No! - Take that!

Wait until my husband gets home!

- Lady! - This is my house!

My son was conceived on this couch.

Tell them to get away!

You are scum! Evil!

My money!

Sirs, that's my money!

Hey, that's my money! Stop it!

- That money belongs to the bank.

- Stop it!

You gonna give me a ride?

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Gustavo!

- Drop her, boys. - You are not taking me.

This is my house. You get that?

- Just dump her! - Well, you do!

Because it's my house!

Mi amor.

Gustavo.

Tell them.

- It is time for you to vacate the premises.

- No. You can't kick us out.

Foreclosure status required a six-month notice.

- We had a year.

No.

- 150 bucks is yours

if you clean up the place for us.

Windows too.

Gustavo.

- Nando, Aurora,

go in the house and get our valuables

and all the clean underwear.

We're outta here.

- How bad is it?

- Well, we owe some mortgage, some taxes,

some telephone bills, electricity bills,

Costco, Subway sandwich, credit cards,

some money for the crew,

and five cases of champagne, that's all.

- Without money, we got nothing.

- Look, I could always Uber. I'm strong.

- And that taco truck?

It has 108,000 miles! - Baby.

- Your own daughter wouldn't even ride in it.

- We had nothing when we started.

We'll start again.

- You don't understand, Gustavo.

I was barely able to keep on going as it was.

- Oh, yeah? Well, now who's--

who's holding secrets, huh?

You never let me know that.

I never knew you were unhappy.

You never complained.

- Because you wouldn't have heard me.

Because you're happy with everything as it is.

Because you're scared to think that you deserve more.

- I don't deserve you.

- You're right.

Every single day.

Every single day, I put the maid's uniform,

I put the smile,

and I become invisible.

And I overhear them talking about how unhappy they are,

about that there's not enough snow at their ski resorts

or how unhappy they are

with their financial consultants,

and meanwhile, I am cleaning up their fucking toilets.

The worst thing is

when they put me in the Christmas card

and pretend that I am part of their family.

And all the horrible things that I don't tell you, Gustavo,

because I love you and I didn't wanna hurt you.

I didn't want you to know what happens to me

when I go to work.

I put up with all of that shit, Gustavo,

because when I came to this little house

and I closed the door...

And you take that little house away from me, Gustavo,

and I have nothing else to give!

- Come on. Look on the bright side.

At least we now have matching luggage.

- Get up. Get up, mi amor.

Help me.

- Hey.

Great dog.

- I forgot my hat.

- We're homeless, Gustavo,

and the only thing you can think of is your hat?

- It's got my DNA.

- Even our problems have problems.

- Just wait here, mi amor. I'll be right back.

This won't take long.

- Hey, Mom, where are we gonna sleep tonight?

- No, Lupe! What is that?

Lupe, did you steal that?

What is that?

- It's Cuban.

- That just means you broke the law twice.

Give me that.

What's gotten into you?

We gotta get outta here.

- Gustavo. Hmm.

- What are you doing now?

That's not right. You're taking somebody--

- What? Mmm. - Don't do that.

No, no, no, I don't want-- - No, no, no.

Gustavo, open your mouth. - I don't want any.

- Mmm, Gustavo.

Mm, that is just...

Oh!

- Who's gonna clean up that mess?

- I will clean it up later.

- Later? There's no later. We're leaving now.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, Gustavo.

- What do you mean, "No, no, no"?

- Gustavo, mira.

- What? Oh, no. Don't--

- No? - Don't do that.

- Ah! - Oh!

Ooh.

Who cares what happens next week,

next month, next year?

Focus on tonight, mi amor.

- Oh, Lupe.

When God closes one door, he opened another one.

- Where are you going?

Lupe, we could wind up in handcuffs.

- Ooh, handcuffs.

That might come in handy tonight.

- Lupe, have you lost your mind?

- I've lost much more than that, Gustavo.

- Oh, Lupe.

- Gustavo.

Sí, Gustavo.

- No. - Ven, mi amor.

Ven.

Gustavo.

- Okay, okay, okay. You win, you win, you win.

- Sí, rápido, rápido.

- I'm a Superman!

- I didn't think they still smashed.

- They're going for that third kid.

So who owns this place?

- Oh, let me introduce you to our host,

Mr. Hancock.

Nando, what's that smell?

- Hancock was a cross-dresser.

Or he was very generous with his lady.

- Ladies.

Every dress comes in five sizes.

- Lupe.

You were an animal.

I loved it!

But one question.

Why did you keep calling me, "Horace! Horace!"

Ay, Dios mío.

- Say we get away with it for a few days,

a week, a month.

Who's gonna pay the mortgage?

- Well, he has a 1952 Rolls-Royce in his garage,

which means he's been here for at least six decades,

and I don't think there's a mortgage.

This house is paid for.

I think the only thing we have to worry about

is the utilities.

- Ay, Papi.

A person who had all of this

definitely had people in his life.

- But there is not one single picture

of a family in this house.

- Except...

- A dog?

- Listen, and listen to me good.

We are going to only be here until we get back on our feet,

and we're gonna leave this place

better than we found it.

I didn't expect to get busted till tomorrow.

- At least here, the cops ring politely

before they arrest you.

Quick, flush the weed down the toilet!

- What do I do? What do I do?

- You act like you own the place.

- Okay. - There you go.

- Ah, I own this place. I own this place.

This is my house. Can I help you?

- I'm here to see Mr. Hancock.

- Oh. Hancock.

- Is he...otherwise disposed?

- No, he moved to Arizona.

He sold me the house.

- He sold the place. - Yes.

- To you. - Yes.

I opened the door, didn't I?

- He sold you his house,

his dog, and his bathrobe?

- Yeah.

He wanted to make a clean start.

It was a garage sale. Good day.

- Russ Huard.

I broker high-end estates,

and I've been eyeing this property for a while.

How much did the old guy end up getting for it?

- For the dog and the house?

- It's okay. Could upsell.

- No, it's just that--

- True, title companies make that information public

but not when both parties agreed to sign

a confidentiality agreement,

as it is often the case in high-profile acquisitions.

Aurora Alvarez.

I handle our real estate transactions.

- Smart. Keep it in the family.

- Yeah.

Ah, that won't be necessary. I...

- Welcome to the neighborhood, Mr. Alvarez.

- Thank you.

- Compliments on the landscaping.

- Yeah.

I did not like the way he was staring.

At me.

- Pancho Villa wants a fake ID, huh?

- $300 for deluxe package.

- Okay, but does that include

the gas bill and the driver's license?

- We throw in counterfeit handicap parking sticker,

Grammy, Emmy, Oscar tickets,

Yacht Show, Art Basel,

Miami Heat, Miami Dolphin, UM football game,

half off Brazilian butt-lift.

- Wow. - Ooh.

That watch, though.

- Oh, no, no, not the watch. - Uh-huh.

- This watch is-- no, it's out of the question.

It's not mine. I'm holding it for a friend.

What would I get for it?

- Today only, fake ID.

- The address is 911 Bizmark Drive.

- Ooh, the 1% of the 1%.

Nice.

- Can you throw in a dog's license

in there too, please?

- What's the dog's name?

- Horace.

- Horace?

What kinda name is that for a Latino mutt?

- Well, he's--he's adopted.

Come on.

Come on. - Pops.

Pops, Pops, Pops.

What's it matter what monkey suit I wear

if we drive up to my new school in this piece-of-crap taco?

- Hey, Nando, what if the old coot didn't die

of natural causes?

- He didn't, unless you consider

jerking yourself off to death natural.

- Hey, I'm lucky I got out of my teens alive.

You behave, I'll let you take this to the prom.

If this doesn't get you laid, nothing will.

I never really had a chance to talk to you

about the birds and the bees.

- Sure, Pops. What do you wanna know?

- I don't know, but don't touch it.

I'm trying to learn how to drive this car.

- Morning, Mrs. Rockefeller.

- Pops, that guy knows we're gardeners.

- Who's that--ugh.

- Whoa!

The hell are you doing?

Where's Horace?

- Oh.

- He sold the house.

- Yeah, yeah, he sold the house and everything in it.

- Really?

You're gardeners.

Why are you dressed like you're sort of...

- Uh, well...

- Tell me about the new owners.

- Well... - Gustavo.

Pick up my order at the pharmacy.

And the pool needs attention.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Troy Hudson.

If your costar wasn't arrested for humping a goat,

you'd still be on the air.

- Well, better to have loved and lost

than never to have loved at all.

- Mm. - Hey, Troy.

Of all the women you've been with,

who's your favorite?

- Hmm. Always my next one.

- Forget it. You're wasting your time.

I haven't been able to get as much as a smile from her.

That's Donya Guadalupe Alvarez.

- Ooh. Guadalupe.

Oh, yeah.

- He's still got game.

- How may I help you, gentlemen?

- Yes, I'd like to enroll my son

in this school.

- May I have proof of residency, please?

- Here you go.

Well, you know, not that...

we wanna brag about our wealth, because it's not polite,

but I got the money.

I could send him

to just about any private institution, you know.

So private that sometimes he's the only one in the room.

But I want him out the house.

- No, no. Stop, stop.

Your hands off my ukulele. I'm serious.

That is not yours. That is mine.

- You're gonna sit over there and not move a muscle

until your name is called.

You understand?

- "You understand?"

- What grade will you be attending, Fernando?

- What comes after eighth?

- I've survived Tiffany Glickman.

I can get through you.

Take a seat.

- Students with consecutive detentions will be suspended.

Students with consecutive suspensions will be expelled.

Students with consecutive expulsions will be required

to audition for reality shows.

- Can't believe summer's over already.

Mother made me go to boring Europe again.

- Damn. - You?

- I worked for my dad.

- Wait.

You're the guy that mows my lawn.

- Fernando Alvarez, you're wanted in the office.

- Hasta luego. - What?

- Spanish.

- I don't speak Spanish, except for the curse words.

- Charlie Imbiano.

Charlie Imbiano, come to the office, please.

- You mopped underneath the refrigerator?

- Yes. - Mm.

And Master Henry's pear puree?

- Yes, he's fed and bathed.

- Mm. Good.

Hello, darling.

- I want more unicorns!

I don't subscribe to corporal punishment,

except under extreme circumstances.

- Ha. Ooh.

A little sensitive today.

- I like those hairy arms.

- Oh. - Why are you stopping?

- Don't do that.

- Oh! Oh!

God.

- Look who's sensitive now.

- You're fired.

Turn in your uniform.

On Monday, my lawyer will--

- You'll do nothing, unless you want your wife

to find about your two mistresses

and the secret bank accounts that you keep in the Caymans.

- Lupe!

What are you doing? You can't quit. We're broke.

- I am not gonna put up with this anymore.

- What? - I am not putting

with this up anymore, Gustavo.

Never again in my life.

- What happened?

- You don't want to know what happened.

- Lupe. - I'm leaving.

- Lupe, please, I can't get him to take his nap.

How do you do it?

You are the mother.

You take care of him.

- Didn't we brush shoulders during Art Basel?

- I never brush shoulders.

Wrinkles my gown.

- Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was closing a deal on Star Island.

Shaq's old place.

- Russ Huard?

You still using that name?

I kept three lawyers in Jaguars

trying to recoup the $5 mil you screwed out of me

on that Palace Estates deal.

- What's he talking about?

- Something that was settled a long time ago, Aurora.

- Won't be settled till I see you behind bars.

One thing you need to know about people around here:

most everything you see is fake.

- I Googled your company.

You had your real estate license revoked

for fraud.

- It was suspended, not revoked.

- Just find another sucker, hmm?

- Why did Horace Hancock just suddenly disappear?

Hmm? - I told you.

He moved to New Mexico for the weather.

- Actually, no, your dad said Arizona.

Canadians move to the desert for the heat,

not people from Florida.

- Well, when you have the kinda money that we do,

you tend to conceal certain details

to see if people are interested in you

or your wealth.

- Oh, okay.

So you think that all I see are dollar signs.

- Russ, come on.

You wouldn't be talking to me

if I was a little Latinita from Hialeah, mm?

- There are three huge properties

that go on the market tomorrow.

Do you wanna go back to my place

and...work?

- Mm, I'll do...

my own research at home.

Aurora, actually, your house is the other way.

- Pops, this beats hanging a hose off our roof.

- I wish the swimming pool was kidney-shaped.

And make the jacuzzi face south.

You know, we still have the same problems

we had before.

Except now we got an electricity bill

that's $4,400.

- Sell his stuff. He doesn't need it.

- It's one thing to eat the food in his refrigerator.

It was gonna go bad anyways.

It's totally another thing to sell his stuff.

- Did Robin Hood steal?

- Robin Hood?

All we are is hoods.

Don't you think God's gonna punish us for this?

- No.

I think he finally stopped.

- Just like the old neighborhood.

Except these pure breeds all bark in French.

- Ow!

- Threat detected.

Threat detected.

- Hey!

Mr. Hancock. Haven't seen you in a while.

Are you his driver?

- I'm a collector.

I collect cars like this.

I have a lot of them already.

- Never thought ole Horace would part

with this chick magnet.

Only other person he ever let behind the wheel was Svetlana.

- Svetlana, huh?

Svetlana, was that his driver?

- No. She's my ex.

That'll be $88.73.

- Okay, here you go.

Uh...

- Oh, you're short.

- Uh, coupon?

- Not for a jumbo soda and fries.

- Give me a minute.

- Where are you going?

What do you think you're doing, pal?

Vámanos. - Oh.

- Let's go!

- Hey! Hey!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Thank you.

- Dios mío.

$62 an ounce?

That's how much they charge for the pound.

- If you're looking to pocket what your señora gives you

and what you actually pay for,

there's a Spanish market on Calle Ocho that discounts.

- Infuriating, isn't it? - Oh.

- I mean, when I'm not wearing my Gucci

and they hear my accent, they treat me like the help.

Please.

I mean, I wear more diamonds to the supermarket

than to a charity event.

- Hmm. - Hola.

I'm Marina de la Torre. - Hi.

- So there's a supermarket down in Calle Ocho.

Es divino.

Shall we?

Thanks for nothing.

- Mr. Hancock, your baby's back.

- What are you doing in my house?

- I ask same.

- I am going to call the police.

- Phone next to toilet.

- How did you know that?

- My house.

- This is my home! Get out!

Who are you? - My brush.

- Who are you?

- I'm Horace housekeeper many years.

Back from holiday. You take my job, I kill you.

- Do I look like a maid?

- Yes.

- Svetlana?

Ah, yes. You must be Svetlana.

Hancock said that you were

the best housekeeper he ever had

and the only one he would allow to drive his Rolls-Royce.

That's a big compliment.

- He put me in will. He die, house is mine.

- He lie.

Just like all men.

- I go.

- No.

We could use some help around the house.

You can stay.

- I unpack.

- Lupe, what are you doing?

- I just hired a maid.

- I see that.

Why don't you just hire gardeners and painters?

- I did. - What?

Hondurans?

- And they are cheaper than you.

- That's loca, you know?

You know...

Out of your mind.

- Gustavo. Where are you going with that?

- Well, I'm gonna go try to get some money for this

so can pay our gardener, our maid,

our plumber, our painter,

whoever else you hired.

Tan loca.

- These two producers are

caught in the middle of a messy divorce

because they both caught each other

sleeping with the same star of one of their films.

- No way. - They need a quick sale.

Why doesn't your father scoop it up?

- Oh, real estate is just his hobby, not his passion.

- Am I wrong to assume that your father went

from 0 to 60 pretty fast?

- Russ, it's not polite to ask how people made their money.

- Politeness is not what made these people well-off.

- Why not? He's good-looking.

- We ask twice its worth,

list it exclusively in Dubai and Abu Dhabi,

sell it for 50% off, sight unseen.

What are you waiting for?

The United Arab Emirates is 11 hours ahead.

- Here, take the Oscar!

- I have a new listing.

- Oh!

Coño. I burnt my tongue.

Now I can't taste the hint of nutmeg.

- Grow a pair, Flaco.

- I'd sooner grow one of those.

You know, vaginas are ten times stronger.

It launched this culito into the world.

- Last time you touched one.

First time I've seen a Rolls in my neighborhood.

Car drives itself?

- Not the ones from the last century.

- This painting is by P-I-C-A-S--

- Worth more if it wasn't faded.

- Where did you get all of this stuff?

- This camera is the original camera

used by Charlie Chaplin to--

- Who's going to buy a camera that uses film?

- These feathers, this was used

to sign the Declaration of Indepen--

- Yeah, was it used to tickle George Washington's balls too?

- If they did, it'd be worth a lot more.

Okay, this is my final piece.

These piece right here, bust is an original.

- It's a bust itself.

Leonardo da Pinche, it's got a crack in it.

- Yes, but it's a 5,000-year-old crack.

- Nobody likes old crack.

- $1,500.

- That's only $1,450.

- You think because I'm Asian, I'm good at math?

- No.

I think you just weren't raised right.

- Pervert.

- You know, you're not the first kid

to use a fake address to get into our school.

- Give it back, freak.

- Orale, ese. Where you kick it?

Where's your crib, cabrón?

- Where do I live? - Yeah.

- Uh...my house is down the street,

around the bend, behind the trees,

up the road...

the yellow brick road.

- Oh, the Hancock estate.

Yeah, my mother writes the old geezer

a new will every week.

- Yeah, well, I swiped Hancock's,

but I can't figure out the password.

I've tried every four-letter word

I could think of.

- Oh, did you try L-I-A-R?

"Liar." - No.

I'm gonna try out S-E-X-Y.

- Oh, yeah?

Okay.

- "Cool" or "hot"... - Yeah, yeah.

- And all that kinda stuff.

- So you don't have a phone that works,

so how do I get in touch with you?

- The old-fashioned way.

Nando!

- Nando!

- Nando! - Nando!

both: Nando!

Nando!

- Hey, is that Nando? both: Nando!

- Running with a rubia, yelling his name out?

Gustavo. - Hey.

- I just saw your boy running with some rubia.

She was yelling his name out.

And Lupe just, like, ran by.

- Eh, that's not Lupe.

- No, I gotta admit, bro, it looked like Lupe ran by.

- I'm telling you, Lupe doesn't run

unless there's a sale at Target.

- Mr. Gus.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Mr. Gus, that stench is horrid.

- Yes, ma'am, it is.

I'm using the new, 100% all-natural fertilizers.

- But I'm expecting company tonight.

Would it be too terribly difficult

to get rid of it?

- Ma'am, this smell is horrible for human beings,

but I assure you, to the plants,

it's Chanel Number 5.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Ah, pick up the poo.

Yes, Mrs. Finch.

It's good poo.

Ay.

No.

No.

No.

I quit.

- Gus.

Gus, come on.

- Qué te pasó, man? - This is not like you.

All I know is gardening.

Here's the hat.

Here are the keys.

196,000 miles, in mint condition.

- Take the money, Gus. Here.

- I don't get it.

Man's broke, he doesn't take a handout.

- He's got dignity.

And he'd want me to have 'em both.

- But you got the hat, man.

- No, he wants me to have 'em both.

- You got the hat. - Get off!

You can never get enough of what you don't really need.

Put hers on my bill.

So, darling, I'm hosting my ladies' charity group

at my home next week.

But I'm still waiting for my first invitation

to your house.

- Excuse me.

I couldn't help overhearing.

I've heard the most marvelous things

about your ladies' group.

I mean, the minimum to join is $100,000.

That works for you, doesn't it, Lupe?

- Lupe?

- Stop. Stop.

- Lupe?

Lupe? Is that you?

- Mrs. Teater.

- Well, I didn't know we frequented the same spa.

- You two know each other?

- Well, Lupe was our housekeeper for a decade

and her husband our gardener.

- Oh, my God.

Lupe?

- Did you think that I was going to stay married

to that loser forever?

I got divorced,

got married to money,

just like you did.

Except that my husband is classy enough

to not screw the maid.

- Oh, well.

Hmm. She must be religious.

Enjoy.

- I'm not sure why, but you make me feel

unbelievably secure, Lupe.

- Let me guess.

You grew up with a Latina maid?

- Señora?

Señora.

- Scale the fish.

- That is Svetlana's job.

- I have Svetlana working inside the house.

I can't have her smelling like fish.

- Dinner at the Fontainebleau tomorrow night.

- That's such an awfully short notice, Troy.

- Well, I'm starting to think

there's another man in your life.

Frankly, I must say I'm surprised

there's not a huge rock on your finger.

- Me too.

May I have you for dinner?

My staff could use the practice.

- Wonderful. See you tomorrow night.

- Gustavo.

Can you help me with the clasp?

- Of course, señora.

Here, hold this.

What else is Troy buying, huh?

- Just my act.

- Let me tell you something.

That Casanova is not allowed to step one foot in my house!

- Your house?

You have been criticizing me for acting like it's my house,

and now it's your house?

- You wanted it upside down, now you got it.

- You were the one that told him

that I was single, rich, and available.

- Well, I just didn't think that he would find you--

- What?

Desirable?

- No, no, I mean-- - What?

- I didn't mean it like that.

- Well, you didn't have to.

- What's gotten into you?

You changed!

- Ay, Papi, Mom's not going to sleep with him.

She's just letting him buy her stuff

so he thinks she will.

Relax.

- Yeah, I'm doing the same with Tiffany.

Although I'll probably sleep with her.

- And both of you, I wanna talk to you,

as soon as I...talk to her.

- I've been trying to unload this turkey for months.

- Really?

Well, I told the buyer

that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was conceived here,

and we had an offer by noon.

- Wow, okay, so you're okay with lying, then.

Tell me the truth, where did your family

actually live last year?

- Russ, I've banked five commissions

and have yet to see a dime, hmm?

- Well, I just figured you're so well-off

that you wanted all your commission checks

donated to charity.

- Listen, you screw me over and I'll--

- Whoa, whoa!

That sounded a little hood there, chica.

People threaten with their attorneys around here.

They don't just haul off and hit people.

- "Number one real estate couple"?

Really?

- Yeah.

Statistically, they've proven

that people trust business couples.

- We'll list it for $5 million.

- Okay.

- Excuse me. What are you doing?

- You know, when I was a kid, I used to lie here

and pretend I was swimming in the ocean.

Hey, big fella!

- Hey, Horace knows you.

- Horace?

You named the dog after my father?

My dad gave him to me when he was a pup.

His real name is...

Well, it hardly matters.

No sense in confusing the animal.

Hi, I'm Theo Hancock.

- Hancock? - Yeah.

Boom!

I can finally do that.

Hard to believe the old man sold the place.

I figured he would die right here in this chair.

- So...

so what are your plans now, Theo?

- I'm part of a group.

And we are going to Burundi to teach English.

- You don't gotta go that far to teach English.

You can do that where I'm from.

- Well, where are you from, Mr. Alvarez?

- Miami.

- Ha!

You got a good sense of humor.

- I'm not joking.

Have you been to the Department of Motor Vehicles here?

- I have.

- Svetlana.

You two must know each other.

- Never see before.

- You sure? He's the previous owner's son.

- Horace never mention boy.

- She wouldn't know me, because I was sent

to boarding school.

My father and I have been estranged for years.

Way too long, I guess.

Well, I gotta do some diving before it gets dark.

- You like to swim at night?

- Dumpsters.

- Hmm.

Listen, Theo, I wanna tell you something.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Don't think I'm overcompensating.

I was raised in a giant tombstone.

The place couldn't be in better hands.

You know, you don't feel calluses like that

around here too often.

You mind if I ask what field you're into,

Mr. Alvarez?

- I take care of private properties.

I specialize in hedges and...

- Hedge funds.

Big-time.

Well, you know, some people are so poor,

all they have is money.

Anyhow, adios.

- Adios.

Remember, tu casa es mi casa.

- You mean mi casa es tu casa.

- Yeah, that's exactly what I mean.

Hey!

It's over. Everybody pack your bags.

This party is done.

His son just showed up.

Come on. Come on. Let's go, let's go.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on. Get up, get up, get up.

- It wouldn't hurt to do just a few, gordito.

- You hear yourself?

I buried the guy in his own backyard

and you're worried about my pesa?

Come on. Let's go. - Actually, no.

I'm worried more about mine.

- That's good.

- You know, if they catch us,

they're gonna put us in jail and throw away the key.

Will you stop doing that? Come on! Pack your bags!

- Worst that'll ever happen to me is some foster home

while you guys are in the big house, so...

- I'm good.

I can claim I was trying to sell the place.

- Gustavo, your son is

the most popular kid in his school.

- He's gonna be the most popular kid in jail.

- And our daughter has real estate photos everywhere.

- I'm not happy about that.

- And I am on first-name basis

with a lady whose husband owns Chips Ahoy.

- Whoop-de-do.

- We're not invisible anymore.

- You've gone crazy, all of you.

I'm telling you, pack your bags.

Let's get outta here, now.

- Gustavo,

it will probably end-- and badly--

but until then...

- Namaste.

Ah, man. All right.

I have an early showing tomorrow, so gotta go.

- And relax.

- You need to relax.

Nando, let me ask you something.

Do you like it better here or at the old house?

- More kids shoot each other in the old neighborhood,

but more kids here commit suicide,

so it kind of evens out.

- Yeah.

You know, at the old house, I'd walk a block

and I'd have my choice of 20 taco trucks.

Here, I walk a block and I'm still on the property.

- Hey, wait. That Hancock kid?

- Yeah? - He got a name?

- Uh, Theo.

- Theo.

- T-H-E-O.

- Damn. - What are you doing?

- Forget about it. - That's not your phone.

- Theo. - That's not your phone.

- Stretch your back all the way.

- And when my husband died,

I decided to sell my Canadian horses.

- Don't you mean Arabian horses?

- Yes.

But I had to ship them through Canada

to save taxes.

- But Canada has higher taxes.

- Well, yes.

But the horses didn't know that.

I like that you can make distinctions

that may appear unclear in the minds of others.

A wine like this

requires...

Foreplay.

Oh! Bloody hell, son!

Watch what you're doing!

Accident.

Totally my fault.

Accidents will happen.

- Salud. - Salud.

- What's going on now?

- Oh, they're dancing.

He's got his hand around Mom's waist.

- And sliding south.

- How far south?

- Um...Key West.

- Key West.

Svetlana, you're probably trying to figure out

why my wife's having dinner with another man

while I'm pretending to be a waiter, huh?

- Horace liked to watch me with other men too.

- In every relationship,

there's one master and one slave.

And when you're in love, you alternate that role.

Might I make a suggestion

as how we work off our meal, my love?

- Madame is tired.

- But the night is young.

- Well, she's not.

- You have to forgive Gustavo.

Sometimes he just forgets himself.

He has been for so many years with the family.

- 25 years.

Just celebrated my anniversary.

- You're gonna blow our cover.

- Well, it's a lot better than you blowing--

- I'm sorry you had to see this.

I don't subscribe normally to corporal punishment,

except under extreme circumstances.

Thank you for such an unusual evening.

Good night, Troy.

- Come on, Troy.

- 25 years? You must have seen it all.

- I've seen it. I've smelled it.

- Pick up the pace, gentlemen.

We're just hiding pimples.

Who am I talking to?

They don't understand English.

Vacate my property this instant.

- Your property?

I own this.

- Leave, or I will call the police right now.

- Ha.

The cops are the last people you'll call.

You're three months late on your rent.

- Come on, Jackie.

Why don't we just go inside and talk?

Yeah? - Hmm.

Jackie.

- Watch out for the-- the dog shit.

Yeah.

- Russ Huard.

- Yeah.

When it was properly landscaped,

it was a gem of the neighborhood,

let me tell you, but now they just kinda use it

as a dump, I guess.

- Wait, okay, so you said on the phone

that this place has been on the market

for, like, six to eight months?

- Yes, sir.

You know, you don't really fit the demographic

for this zip code.

You plan to flip it?

- No, I need to show this to my business partner.

- Whatever you need.

- You must be Gustavo.

- Marina. - Oh, mushrooms.

I wonder what's under.

- Did you know that one fungus can cover 40 acres underground

and live to be 100 years old?

- And unless you root them out,

they can be deadly.

- She gold digger.

Devil woman.

- Excuse me?

- Witch. - Svetlana.

How dare you talk to my friend like that?

- Oh, honey, don't worry.

Maybe--she must be confusing me with someone else.

- Thief steal Horace.

- I'm sorry.

I'm not used to being insulted by the help.

- Svetlana, apologize right now,

or you turn in your uniform.

- Darling, let's just go.

You know, I'd really like to take a look

at the Hermès fall collection.

- What about dinner?

- Mom's really rolling.

- You know, your mom used to do so much with so little.

Now she does so little with so much.

- Hey, Pops.

Hey, Pops.

Found out Tiffany's mom was Hancock's lawyer.

She handled his last divorce.

- Yeah, well, I might be calling her soon.

- Apparently, Horace was a rich, horny old toad

who seduced women by putting them in his will.

- Did she say anything else?

- She said, "Shut up and put your tongue to better use."

- That would be so funny if you weren't my son.

- You know, I invited Esperanza

to pick through my ex-husband's closet.

Saved me a Christmas bonus this year.

- Mm.

- Lupe, what qualities do you think make a good maid?

- I'm not sure that I'm the right person to ask that.

- Hmm? And why is that?

- Tell them the truth, darling.

- Because I once was one.

- A maid? You?

- Sí, señoras.

- Yes, ladies.

Lupe was a maid.

- Really?

- In a foreign film her husband produced.

- So bad.

Ah, you got me.

Oh, I am due back at the firm.

Send me those names of the scholarship students

and I'll prepare the checks.

Ciao, chicas. Mwah.

- Well, ladies, I know that we'd usually wait a while

for a new member to fit in,

but I'd like to make an exception.

Lupe Alvarez to host our annual scholarship luncheon

at her home.

- No. I can't do that.

- Darling, you must.

- I think it's a great idea.

- Right? - Absolutely.

- What about you, ladies? - Oh, yes.

Lupe should do it. - I think she should do it.

- Yeah. - It's a great idea.

- Great. Cheers to that, then.

- Salud.

- Salud, darling. - Salud, querida.

- I want every dollar you have. - Hmm.

Cubic zirconium. Imitation.

Fake. - Are you positive?

- I'm more positive than Magic Johnson.

- You got anything real?

- I got this.

- Hmm. All right, let's see the pair.

- That's the only one I have.

- What kind of person buys only one earring?

- Burn victims. - Van Gogh.

- Holyfield after the Tyson fight.

Classic Marilyn.

- Tits only.

- Nothing below the belt.

No va-jay-jay, no pa-pay-pay.

- We're a porn shop, not a porn shop.

- Pawnshop. - Porn.

- Pawn. - Porn.

- Pawnshop. - Porn.

- Pawnshop. Pawn. - Porn. Porn.

- It's--open your mouth. Pawn. - Porn.

Porn. - Pawn. Move your lips.

- Porn. - Pawn. Pawnshop.

- Porn. - Pawn sh--

- Porn. - Pawnshop.

- Porn. Porn. Porn. - Hey.

I'm taking this to eBay.

I don't need you thieves.

- What kind of scam you got going here?

- Not like you have receipts for any of this.

- Gustavo!

- Oh, hey.

- Uh, scuse me.

- Ooh! Yes?

- I was wondering if you sell any small crucifixes.

- Only got big ones.

- Yeah. More Jesus for your buck.

- What a shame.

'Cause it just happened that my maid stole

this tiny, rare crucifix from me.

She must have thought it was just worth a few bucks.

Little she knows it's worth millions.

- Ah.

Anyway, lucky the person who ended up with it, right?

- Thanks.

- Thank you.

Get Gustavo's address. - You get it.

- Svetlana?

Where is my diamond necklace?

- Svetlana no touch.

- "Svetlana no touch"?

I know every single little secret.

Stealing what you don't think we'll miss, Svetlana?

- Lupe.

Why are you doing this?

Why are you treating the housekeeper

worse than you were treated?

You forgot?

- Are you having sex with our housekeeper, Gustavo?

- I'm not even having sex with my wife.

- Did you pawn my diamond necklace?

- Yes, and I would pawn Troy too if I could.

- And my silverware?

- Your silverware? Uh, yeah.

That went last week when we had to pay the electricity bill,

and we're still short.

- Well, go and get it back.

I am not going to have my guests eat

with plastic utensils.

- Guests?

Are you out of your tostada?

You're inviting people here?

- To keep up appearances.

To let them know that we arrived.

- Arrived? Arrived?

Where do you come up with these words, "arrived"?

We're Latino! We don't arrive.

We're on our way at best.

- The man I married was never afraid of anything,

and look at you now.

You're terrified, scared,

for a ladies' luncheon?

Oh, my God, Gustavo.

- Being wealthy is more than just having money.

Being wealthy is about having choices.

Because if it's about steak or bologna,

if it's about a Rolls-Royce or a Ferrari,

if it's about having a beautiful trophy wife

or the old lady,

then those are choices we don't know how to make,

because apparently, you and I were probably never in love.

We just didn't have any choice, huh?

- Money doesn't change you.

It just reveals who you are.

- Well, then you shrunk.

No, no, no! Not that, not that.

We need this. We need this.

Or that--no!

What'd you do that for?

No, no, no, no. No ten loca.

I'm telling you. Ten loca.

Lupe! Lupe!

Lupe, it's David! Lupe!

What?

You're crazy!

No, Lupe. Not that.

Lupe, I'm telling you, not that.

Don't cross this line!

Lupe, I'm telling you once,

you do that and you're gonna go straight to hell.

- Lupe. - Oh, what's that?

- That is your ticket to hell.

That is Mrs. Hancock's ashes,

all over the floor, all over your nightgown,

and all over my face.

That is Mrs. Hancock. - Ah!

- You better go on your knees to the nearest church

and beg for forgiveness.

We've got nothing else to sell!

- If we are that broke,

why don't you go and work for a living?

- Well, maybe I will.

I happen to be the best gardener ever!

I talk to the snails. I squawk with the animals.

I squeak and I talk.

- Well, then go.

- I am. - Good.

- For the last time, come on out

with your hands above your head.

- Officer. - Freeze.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was just getting my ID.

- Slowly.

- Here you go, sir.

- Do I know you?

- I got a common-looking face.

- Hmm.

We get a lot of porch pirates around here.

I think this indigent is staking out your house.

- Oh, no, I can vouch for this man.

- There's no overnight parking here.

Move your vehicle.

- Thank you.

- Thanks.

You didn't have to do that, Mr. Alvarez.

- Why don't you move your tub over here to the--

my--your--you know, to the driveway.

- Uh, you know,

my battery's not really working that well right now.

- Well, come on. I'll help you push.

- Thanks.

- All right, Horace.

You drive.

- Coño, man.

Tell me that's not Aurora in a Tesla.

- Russ, where are you taking me?

- I want your opinion on a piece of property

that's a little bit outside of our normal sales parameters.

- Gustavo Alvarez.

If your garden is a mess... - Ah, Alvarez!

- I will clean it for less. - Honduran crew, you're fired.

This guy works half as cheap. Rápido.

- Vamos! I got him, boss!

I got him, boss.

- Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, it's me! Stop the truck!

- Huh?

You hear something?

- Hey, hey!

Hey, stop the truck!

- Gus is in trouble!

Help! - Stop, Flaco!

Let's go.

Come get some! Come on!

- Why are they chasing you?

- I stole their jobs. I'm broke.

- Always got work with us, jefe.

- Appreciate that.

- Oh, are you living on the streets?

- No. I gotta come clean with you.

I live in a chateau.

I got a pool, sauna,

gardeners, maids, the works.

- Yeah, yeah, must be great.

- No, it's hell.

- Oh, you're a chateau vato. - Yeah.

- Hey, he's a chateau vato.

- I am.

- Hey.

You guys know how to get to 911 Bizmark Drive?

- Yeah, it's a left past the mansion.

- Every house in the neighborhood is a mansion!

You dumbass gardeners!

- Jefe. Why you hiding?

- I know why they're looking for me.

They wanna steal the rest of my stuff at the mansion.

At the chateau.

- Gus has been in the sun way too long.

- Look at the smiles on the faces

of the children in our neighborhood

when you see what we have provided for them.

These are the lucky disadvantaged teenagers.

- Lucky to be disadvantaged?

- Oxymoronic, baby.

- Lupe!

- Thank you for your generosity.

- Oh, lovely party, ladies. Hi.

- The three local pupils will receive...

- Oh, hi. Come on, Lupe. Lupe.

Hi, ladies. - Full college scholarships...

- Let's go.

- Courtesy of the ladies' club.

- Ay, Gustavo.

- I found out Marina's as phony as us.

She didn't bump into you at the supermarket by accident.

No. She's been stalking us.

She's trying to discover what happened to Hancock.

See, the money willed to her doesn't come into effect

unless she gets a body.

- So she killed him?

Is that what you think? - Well...

- Gustavo.

- Is everything okay, dear?

- Ah. Speaking of the devil.

Marina, tell my wife the truth

about what happened to Hancock.

- I think you would be able to answer that better than I.

- You're not going to ruin my party.

- No, she's not.

And you should leave.

- I was talking about you, Gustavo.

- Well, I believe these are yours.

- I have a question.

What would you do when you just want

to prop up your feet on someone that you love?

- You get a pedicure.

Yeah, Mukai!

Gustavo! Ha-ha!

We have come, Gustavo!

Look, Mukai!

They're throwing a party in our honor!

Whoo!

- The third and final scholarship winner

is Orlando Carpiamente Jr.

- Okay, enough.

I would like to propose a toast, everyone,

to our hostess, Lupe Alvarez.

Ha!

- Freeze!

- Stand and deliver, señoras!

We're here!

- Get the police!

- Shake your asses.

Shake 'em! Ah!

If you got a chopper, get to the chopper!

- 911 Bizmark Drive! It's an emergency!

- Yo, this crocodile purse is worth more than what's in it.

- Focus!

We're trying to find a million-dollar crucifix.

- Whatever.

Oh, you look like Gustavo's wife.

- Which of these bitches is Gus' wife?

You? Huh? Huh?

You got a crucifix in there? Huh? Huh?

Come on, lady.

Show me your titties!

- You Gus' wife? Huh?

- Are you Gus' wife? Come on.

- Are you Gus' wife?

- Crucifix!

- A crucifix! Over here!

- Hey, no, no, no. - Give it to me.

- No! No! - Open. Open.

- Ow! No!

- Open your hand! - Mio!

- Come on. - Stop it!

- Want some?

You want some?

- Gustavo!

- Come on! Let's get out of here!

Back off.

Huh?

How much you want it?

Hmm?

Ah!

Ah!

- Thank God you're a cop, 'cause you're a lousy gardener.

- This is the 1%.

They don't leave nothing to chance.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you do say will be used against you.

- No one's that lucky.

- I see you got this under control.

We've been tracking this one for a long time

for selling fake ID.

Take them both outta here.

- I almost got away with it.

- Come on. We're going in. - Oh, no, no, no.

Stick around, Officer.

You're not done arresting people here.

- This better be good.

- Well, let's say the family

who claims to own this house

does not possess the deed to the property.

They're squatters, tramps,

and, worse, killers.

Horace Hancock is buried right over there.

- Let's go.

- Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

- I don't get it.

Why are we here?

- Tell me about the house.

Russ, I'm all for gentrification,

but isn't this slumming?

- This one has a fascinating history, though.

- Why are you doing this?

- Aurora, I need you to be honest with me.

- It's tiny...

But exquisite.

I never really saw it before today.

- Buy it back.

It's the money you've earned, plus an advance.

- It's a fine mess you got us into, huh?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing here?

Wanna know the truth?

You're no better off than your cousins

in my old backyard.

Off you go.

- This is a bunch of crap!

We've been here for three hours already.

Mr. Alvarez is the only decent person

in this godforsaken neighborhood.

Theo out.

- Horace die, Svetlana get house.

Have in writing.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

A will is a revocable document, and Horace Hancock revised his.

He left his property to me right before he was poisoned

and buried by this monster.

- Without a body or a death certificate,

possession is 99% of the law.

- What?

- Plus, this is not a matter for police.

It's one for lawyers.

Sir, I apologize for the inconvenience.

- This is a travesty!

- I'm done here.

- Wait! He's buried there! I know it!

Where are you going?

- She's crazy.

- Give me that.

- She's not.

He's here! I know he's here.

- It is beautiful.

But where you live should not determine who you are.

What if we need all of this to be happy?

And now we--

we're willing to say and to do anything

and let our kids lie to keep something

that we never needed in the first place.

- Our love is our wealth.

- They say to be rich is about having choices.

I need you to help me make the right one now.

- Officer Jackson!

Horace Hancock never sold me this house...

Or this watch or this shirt.

We moved in illegally right after I buried him,

and I'm the sole person responsible for it.

- Help!

Found him!

I found him!

I found him!

I knew it!

I knew he was here!

- Did we give away the scholarships?

- What are you laughing at?

Want him so bad? Get in there!

You want him so bad? Get in here with him!

- Hey, I've been looking for you.

You are so much better

than the crew that replaced you, Hector.

- Oh, actually, my name is Gustavo.

And I think it's a name you're gonna remember.

- Get in here with him!

Hey. You.

As the attorney to the deceased,

please tell these idiots that my will determines

that I'm the only legal beneficiary

of this property!

- You are correct.

You have the most recently dated will.

- Thank you.

- Except for this one. - What?

- It was notarized one day after yours.

- Wait, let me see that.

- It supersedes all other wills and is now binding.

- Let me see that.

- As per his wishes,

Horace Hancock left the house,

all the cars, and, mm, everything

to Rico.

- Rico? - Rico?

- Rico? - Who the hell is Rico?

- Looks bad. - What?

- Only comes in one color?

- I'm not talking about his outfit.

I'm talking about Gus' case.

- The autopsy showed 7,000 milligrams

of that blue...the dick pills

in Hancock's bloodstream.

- Hancock was already wood when you found him.

- Pretty much.

And they found my fingerprints

all over the prescription bottle.

Well, you see, when Lupe and I got there,

well, you know, we'd never been in a house like that,

and one thing led to another and--

- Lucky they didn't put her in prison.

- She got ten years. both: Doing what?

- Hmm.

Gardeners always have a way of tracking dirt in the house.

Keep scrubbing until you can see your reflection.

- You don't own this place yet.

Well, unless Mr. Rico shows up, I do indeed.

Mine was the last will in effect.

Aww, Lupe.

You went from a housekeeper

to a house-loser.

- Mrs. Alvarez.

- Theo.

- How's your husband?

- You know.

We thought you were gone already.

- You know, I never leave town without my lucky hat.

And I remember I last wore it here.

- Nando.

Nando.

He's coming.

- Rico!

- Theo.

- Thank you.

Hey, Rico.

- Rico? - You wanna play?

- Why'd you call him that?

- What, Rico?

You guys renamed him Horace.

My dad and I named him Rico.

- Rico. Rico. R-I-C-O.

- He's definitely going to miss you.

- Rico. Mom, I'm in.

- What?

- Oh.

Gustavo.

- Lupe.

Lupe, mira.

If you want a divorce, I understand.

You know, I don't know how long I'm gonna be here.

- I came to bust someone out of jail.

- How you gonna do that?

- We have new evidence.

- What is that?

- Press play.

- Is that...

Oh, my God!

That woman's got skills.

He looks like a horny Colonel Sanders.

You dirty, dirty girl.

But, you know, two people having sex,

it's not against the law.

- Mm, just watch.

- He was drugged. It was in the champagne!

- Uh-huh.

- Is this admissible?

- It sure is. 100%.

- You're free, mi amor.

- You're a free man, Hector.

- No, not Hector. Gustavo.

- Oh, man.

All you need is love.

- After probate officially awards me with this property,

I want you to feel right at home,

since I already feel what's yours is mine.

- More champagne, my love?

- Sure, darling.

- Marina de la Torre?

We have a warrant for your arrest.

Let's go.

- Eh!

Get ready for a long trial.

- Oh, well.

I have enough outfits to last a year, so...

My shoes.

- Grab those.

- Well, hello.

Troy Hudson.

Champagne?

- Stay. Stay. Sit.

- How do you like the new house, Nando?

- Well, I can live without the swimming pool,

the 24 bedrooms, the naked angels,

but the big-screen TV over the toilet,

that's tough to live without.

Hey, Rico.

Horace. Rico!

Hey, where are you going?

- Nando, don't confuse the dog.

- I can't say that moving into my family's house

was the right thing,

but if you didn't,

I would've never known what happened to my father.

Now, I'm leaving in the morning for Burundi.

Would you be interested in housesitting the chateau

for a few years?

- But don't we have to get Rico's permission?

- No.

Animals are property.

And since one piece of property can't own another piece,

the inheritance goes to the closest relative.

- Pops. Pops, you're back.

- Yes, I am.

Ah, mi'jo. - How was the joint?

- Papi!

- Aww.

- I missed you.

- Mr. Alvarez, you have a lovely family.

- Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Remember, mi casa es su casa.

- You mean mi casa es tu casa.

- Well, either way.

- We're living large, ese!

- Hoo-ah!

Nothing like warm water on my huevos.

- In this neighborhood, we call them jewels.

- Some people are so poor, all they have is money.