Original subtitles

Thank you so much for coming.

We had the Amazing Donald performing between periods

and his rabbit got away.

Oh, we are very familiar with AD.

Congrats on the charges being dropped.

He lost 200 pigeons at a corporate event last month.

Come on! Get that bunny off the ice!

Oh, the crowd's getting restless.

Alright. Let's do this, Shred.

- Ok. - Ok.

Woah!

Hey!

We're the good guys!

Don't engage them. They're hockey fans.

They'll start throwing stuff, like their babies.

Hold on, hold on.

Hey! Get him!

Okay, excuse me.

Can I get a stick?

Okay. Here we go.

Ok. Here we go. Ok. Ok.

I'm coming. Here I come.

You got it!

You got it, Frank.

Nice and easy. Just hop in there, bunny.

I think I just invented a new sport.

Yeah!

Woooo!

Man, your dating profile is fire, Frank.

Look at that picture of you gardening.

I don't even know what vegetable that is.

It's so cool.

It's a parsnip.

And you should probably familiarize yourself

with organisms on your intellectual wavelength.

If I didn't know you were real I'd think you're fake.

Man in uniform saving kittens, community garden, 6'4"...

Ashley and I have been messaging non-stop

since we matched two weeks ago.

Isn't getting to know people the best?

But it's weird because I now know so much about her.

I helped her pick out a rug.

I mean, we talk about everything

except for going on an actual date.

That's how dating is now.

It's why the birth rate is declining.

No. I'm gonna speed things up. I'm gonna call her.

That's a mistake. Nobody calls.

Well, why would there be a call button on the app

if nobody does that?

Truck 12 calling for back-up.

Frank is trying to call a lady out of the blue on a dating app.

Truck 8 responding.

Don't do that. Nobody does that. It's weird.

I'm calling.

Standing by.

Hello?

Oh hey, Ashley, it's Frank.

Ok.

I know that, um, we've been messaging a lot,

but I thought that uh, we could actually talk.

And here's me talking. How are you?

To be honest, a little uncomfortable.

Ooh, that's not good.

Frank, watch your angle.

From that low you're all neck. There you go.

Uh, do you want to go to dinner sometime?

The call dropped.

Oh, that was a delightful train wreck.

Delightful.

How did they find me?

No way.

No. Another gift from your secret admirer?

Yes, Blummies.

A what?

Which is crazy, I don't know how they found these.

What are Blummies?

Blood gummies?

Hmm.

Never caught on outside New Zealand.

There's so many of them.

I mean, do you guys want a pack?

I'll take some home. Rick's an adventurous eater.

He once ate yogurt that had been expired for two days.

Mmhmm, crazy.

Hold on, this says that my secret admirer is finally ready

to reveal themselves tomorrow morning at 9:00.

You're not actually into this walking, talking,

future true crime podcast, are you?

Well, they're really trying.

And not in a creepy, calling-out-of-the-blue

- on a dating app kind of way. - True.

Yeah, it's not creepy at all to send blood-based candies

from an undisclosed location.

That's extortion!

Shred, get over here!

Our house flip is about to flop.

The bid from the contractor came in. It's $10,000.

For a simple paint and carpet job?

For a simple paint and carpet job!

Ok, you're out, Greg.

Going with plan B. See ya. Patel. Send.

Ok, well we probably should've had a quick side bar.

But it's cool. What's plan B?

Uh, plan B is we do it ourselves.

Hell yeah.

Right?

Are we capable of that?

Not only are we capable, we cost zero dollars.

Ok, then yet again, hell yeah!

Pssst.

Sorry.

Um, hey. So I know someone that works at the DMV.

Oh, no one likes a braggart.

She ran the plates on the car that dropped off

the Komodo dragon, no hits.

Oh. So, fake plates? Wait, what's that?

Good point. Maybe a stolen car.

That's what she thinks, so she's gonna keep digging

and let me know if she finds out anything else.

Ok.

So... I heard about the call.

Yeah, I used my phone calling device

to make an actual call to a person.

What a weirdo I am.

Sorry, online dating sucks.

Yeah. It's a hellscape of personality disorders.

I don't know why I can't just meet someone in real life.

Totally.

Through a friend or something, right?

Right.

I mean, that way you could find somebody compatible

and possibly have a shot at an actual relationship.

Exactly, 'cause actual dating is the worst.

- Yeah. It's the worst. - Mmhmm.

I mean, do you have somebody in mind or whatever?

I really don't care... whatever.

Wait, are you... are you actually asking me

to set you up with somebody?

Please, I'm 6'4 ". I don't need help dating.

Do you have somebody in mind or whatever?

I really don't care... whatever.

Wait, do you not want my help or do you want my help?

'Cause I actually have someone in mind.

What's she like?

Ok, I'm confused so I'm just gonna call Rick.

Hey there, long legs.

Hey Rick, you're on speakerphone with Frank.

What's up, my man?

Um, so what do you think about Tiffany for Frank?

Uh, I love it. Frank, she's great.

She's a physical therapist.

And she's also into gardening

so you have that in common.

Mmm?

Oh, great.

And not that this matters in the least, but...

how would you describe her looks?

Take me off speaker.

Ok.

Here.

I'm in.

I hope he likes Tiffany.

Oh, I'm sure he will, she's great.

And they have to like us as a couple, too.

Yeah, we need 'em for game night.

I just think Frank and Tiffany would be perfect together.

Do you think they would go apple picking with us?

I'm getting sweaty just thinking about it.

Wait, yeah, you don't... you don't look so great.

Oh, what's... what's happening?

Oh. I think I overdid it on the Blummies.

- Oh, ok. - Give me that bag.

Uh, what... what bag? There is no bag!

Wait, do you want this?

Oh.

Just like anything, like a receipt or...

Stop doing that 'cause I'm a sympathetic vomiter.

It's climbing.

Oh, Frank, hey.

I'm so sorry, um, Rick's actually in the parking lot.

He overdid it with the blood candies

and he's now sneezing diarrhea,

um, so we need to go to a car wash

and then probably an urgent care.

Everyone heard. No one's eating now.

Right. Ok, um, but I...

Oh, okay. Hey Tiffany this is Frank.

- Hi. - Frank, Tiffany.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

But I feel like I've seen you before.

Do you garden at the Queen Ann community garden?

I do. Are you plot 14B?

Yes, and you are 14A, right?

I am, yeah.

You have all of that amazing bok choy.

Gotta give credit to the 200 days

of annual rainfall that we get.

But your snow peas, you... you wouldn't believe them, Emily.

Oh.

They're perfect.

Um... uh, Rick keeps texting me actually,

and his texts are making less and less sense,

I think he might be delirious so I um...

- Go, go. - I have to go.

Go.

I'm so sorry. Are you gonna be ok?

- Yes. - Yes.

You've introduced us and given us quite a conversation starter.

Let me ask you something.

What's the first thing you touch in a room?

Door.

At night.

Light switch.

- Ding ding. - Yeah.

Look at these beauts.

What the... authentic craftsman style look?

I like the sound of that.

Oh my gosh. They work with dimmers.

Dude... no.

It's like having 32 lights in one.

We have to, right?

Dude, it's a no-brainer.

Give the whole dining room a facelift.

- Yes! - Yes!

Oh god.

What? What?

It's Greg. It's the guy we fired.

No.

He's coming over here.

Greg's here.

He's right there.

Don't say anything.

I'm gonna say something.

Gre- Greg.

Greg?

Greg. Hey man, what're... what're you doing around here?

I'm a general contractor. I come here every day.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Totally.

Yeah.

So, who'd you end up going with for the job?

Uh, we actually... we decided to tackle it ourselves.

Yep.

You get it.

Lot of Red Vines for a simple paint and carpet job.

Curious, do you think this is enough paint

for the whole job, or...?

You guys know what you're doing.

And correct me if I'm wrong but drywall is just wall?

Greg?

Oh hey. Is Rick alive?

Uh, yeah. He's keeping liquids down.

Um, how was the date last night?

Pretty good.

I give the appetizers a four, the goodnight kiss a nine.

I'd give it a full ten but we clanked teeth.

Ok, well it sounds like Tiffany had a good time, too, so...

Wait, did she text you?

I texted her, actually. Very casual, see how it went.

She gave your date a thumbs up.

Alright, well I will accept that rave review.

Mmhmm.

Wait a minute, uh, was it an emoji or a text on its own

or a reaction to a text? May I?

Ok.

So it was a reaction to a text which is not as good, right?

No, no, she had a good time, Frank.

You're exactly where you wanna be.

Oh, no, I'm not. I hate dating.

I just wanna skip to the part where we're binge watching

tv shows and gaining weight.

Like a relationship?

I don't wanna put labels on things.

It's just that thing where you're content and monogamous

and all that crap.

I could text her, propose a second double date,

maybe after work?

What is going on with you and double dates?

Just be alone with your boyfriend.

Have you guys run out of stories?

This is not about me, it's about you finding someone

that you can, you know, bring to game night or the apple orchard.

Apple picking, making apple tarts.

Cool. Let's text her. Great.

Yeah? Ok.

Sure. I mean, without the apple picking.

Maybe.

People get paid to pick apples.

Hey, Tiffany's in. Told you she likes you.

That's great. What did she say?

Thumbs up. Yeah.

Great.

Ok, here we go.

Wait, did you guys actually set alarms?

Oh yeah.

T-minus five minutes until you meet the stalker of your dreams.

We found this on your locker.

I wanted to read it but somebody wouldn't let me.

All will be revealed in the...

-in the multi-purpose room. Yeah, I did take a peek.

Awe, you get to meet your one true love in the room

where we de-worm cats.

Wow.

Ok, I will take it from here.

Awesome.

I think we should all just take it.

I... I think this... this is a me thing.

Mmhmm.

Well, I mean...

- I feel like a we... we thing. - Yeah, I'll go.

This has the potential to be very romantic.

Oh, yes, romantic.

Once this person goes from breaking into your locker

to breaking into your home you'll be positively swooning.

Ok, shut up.

I'm trying to be open to the possibility

of something different...

Mmhmm.

And I'm willing to give this person a chance

as long as they're over 18 and under...

As long as they're over 18.

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh Victoria!

I knew it was water guy!

Oh my god, yeah. I can work with this.

Hi.

Uh...

Oh.

Pardon me.

Happy birthday, I guess.

Yes, thank you.

So it's not sexy water guy?

Yeah, so who is it, then?

Ta-dah!

Ah, there he is. Ok.

This is a prank. Well done, Frank.

Oh, no, I didn't do this.

Of course it was Templeton.

Literally the last person that you would think it would be.

This is a twist.

- I got HR on hold... - Uh-huh.

- ...just in case this escalates. - Mmhmm.

But also I'm recording this because this is too much.

Yeah.

I thought it would just be the two of us.

Huh?

We can't hear you over here.

- Can't hear what you're saying. - 'Cause I'm recording.

Just turn it up just a little.

I said I thought it would be the two of us,

but I've come this far so I'm wondering if,

as your former secret admirer,

I could openly admire you on a date.

You said you'd be open to anyone.

No thank you.

Ah, well that was three months and $3,500

that was not spent wisely?

Oh, well, from where we're standing

it was worth every penny.

Alright, well you can tell a man's character

by how he reacts on his darkest moment

so I'm going to just leave and do the right thing.

Ok.

Ok, everybody.

You have a...

What's that smell?

Oh god, it smells like burning hooves.

Yeah.

Somebody has killed the only thing I've ever loved.

Blummies.

Templeton.

Ohhh...

They jammed my boy.

They jammed my boy!

Oh boy.

You brought this evil into our house.

Woah, back, ok? Do not turn this around on me.

A man asked me out.

I said no and, what, I deserve vengeance?

And I'm just putting this out there,

it could have been Rick. He also likes Blummies.

Nope. This is Templeton level of petty.

He did this.

He probably did it while we were still laughing at him.

He never complained,

no matter what I put inside him.

What?

That's tough wording, Frank.

Yogurt time.

I'm gonna come back, ok.

- Cheers! - Cheers!

Mmm.

- That is good. - Mmhmm.

Glad we got the bottle.

Yeah, it really is the most sophisticated way

to get hammered.

Be cool, my dear.

I'm cool.

I have your salads here.

Oh, I don't believe we ordered salads.

Actually, uh, I took the liberty,

these salads are made with vegetables from my garden.

What? Frank, that is so thoughtful and sweet.

And I might have snuck some of Tiffany's snow peas

and watermelon radishes in there.

Oh.

How delightfully unexpected.

Did you pick them from my plot?

I certainly did.

Oh.

It's so nice.

It's so specific.

Rick, why aren't you doing this kind of thing for me?

Oh, you got me in trouble.

Yeah, Rick, what the hell.

So great.

Um, if you'll excuse me

I'm going to use the ladies room.

Ok.

Isn't she great?

Oh good, you're still here.

No, I'm not.

You are, I see you.

And I only have one more little care package for you.

Ok, if I open that and it's a dead bird

I'm... I'm gonna be so mad.

Not a dead bird.

It's an invoice with all the receipts

for little New Zealand lollies, and the basket,

the mileage from my trip to Spokane

to the specialty store for you.

You're seriously charging me for your crush?

You led me on.

You're like a classic temptress from Oceania.

Ok. I did not lead you on.

I have shown you nothing but contempt and distain.

I really don't...

- Playful contempt and distain. - Playful?

And that is very confusing.

You have 30 days or interest starts to accrue.

Unless...

- No. - Ok.

You know what?

I only date women made in America, anyway.

Oh.

No.

You hear that?

That's the sound of generational wealth accruing.

Ugh.

The sawdust tastes like bad mushrooms.

Yeah. What?

Gross.

Oh, that's black mold.

- Black what? - That's black mold.

That's black mold.

I'm not up on my molds but is that worse than green?

It might just be that one little spot.

It's fine, just open it up.

- Open it up? - Open it up!

Ok.

That seems bad.

It's probably just the...

That's probably the end of it, right?

Probably.

Unless it goes down.

No chance it goes down, right?

We gotta get out of this house!

We gotta get out of this house!

You don't think the whole salad thing was weird,

I mean, everybody cheered when the guy did it on Instagram.

I'm just gonna say it, I thought it was cute.

So cute, right? I mean, also very masculine.

I think it might be good to acknowledge

that from Tiff's perspective

it could have come off as a bit invasive.

Invasive? Honey, excuse me, but what?

Well, you know, he just stole her veggies...

Stole? It's a community garden. Basically an open field.

And if anything, her reaction was a little nutty.

I mean, running away to the bathroom?

I just think you could have used your own vegetables,

like simplified the gesture.

No. No, no, no. Mixing is what makes it special.

Two people from different plots coming together

to form something new.

Yes. Rick gets it.

Ok. Shall we just leave it at that?

Just say it's a grey area, even though I'm right.

When do you think she's coming back?

She's gonna be back in a second.

She's been gone 10 minutes.

Babe...

What? She has.

Emily, I think you're right. She ghosted me.

At the very least she's sitting in a bathroom stall

trying to figure out how to ghost me.

No, I... I didn't say that.

That's quite a leap, pal.

I mean, we'd see her if she left, we're right by the door.

The bathroom has a window.

Honey, you're killing him.

You're not texting Tiffany right now, are you?

I just want to let her know that it is not ok.

You're typing pretty hard over there, buddy.

Want a second set of eyes on that?

No, I'm just letting it roll, don't wanna overthink it.

All caps, exclamation point, exclamation point, send.

Sorry, one of my clients called me.

Um... did you text me?

No.

Uh... you know, I just um...

my phone's unlocked and I kinda move my finger on it

and it just spells words.

My snow peas are as hollow of flavor

as I am of good character?

Oh, dear.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Oh. Uh... ok.

Oh, yeah. Uh, thumbs down.

Wanna skip to dessert? I'll order three bourbons.

Do you guys want anything?

What can I do for you, Templeton?

Nice try, I know you sent the email.

What email?

Don't play dumb, the one from the Royal Highlander Quartet

inviting me to audition?

I don't even know what that is.

Come on, you sent me a fake email

from the preeminent bagpiper ensemble

in the Pacific Northwest

'cause you know I wanna be taken seriously as a bagger.

Well, this might surprise you

but I didn't even know that you play the bagpipes.

Really? So you don't remember me

in a tartan kilt at the cougar funeral

playing Tears in Heaven, or at the wake

when I brought the house down with Sexual Healing?

Nope.

Huh.

Maybe you didn't send that email.

No, I didn't send it.

Ok. Thank you.

I'm gonna go now and if you try and call me back

and it doesn't go through

that's because I blocked you forever, ok? Bye.

Excuse me? Can I help you?

I'm here for the Royal Highlander Quartet audition.

Auditorium's this way, right? Hydrated, ready to blow pipe.

That's him!

That's the creepy old man pretending to be a student

- Oh geez. - ...at this school!

No.

He's probably a pervert!

Oh no, no, no.

I'm... I'm an animal control officer.

That blows pipe. Uh, bagpipe.

Frank?

Yeah.

What're you doing in the grooming hammock

with the lights off?

Good for my back and the lights are on a motion sensor.

So, was justice served?

I don't know, you tell me.

That's the creepy old man pretending to be a student

at this school! He's probably a pervert!

That's good.

I uh, buried a panini press behind the building.

It was a short and touching service so thank you for that.

How was your date?

Crushed it. This is my celebratory dangle.

It was one of those dates where the starter salad

turns into a "I never wanna see you again " salad.

Oh, that's rough.

Yeah.

But I'm in no place to judge.

I actually thought I might have a super sexy secret admirer

but instead I got Templeton.

Love, like cornhole, is a game I'll never understand.

What was that?

That's the water delivery guy. He's so hot.

I needed a palate cleanser. He still thinks it's my birthday

and I told him to pick me up after his shift.

Oh, well he brought the delivery truck so I hope he takes you

to the most romantic distribution center in town.

Goodnight, Frank.

Can you give me a push?

Hi. I recently made a purchase I'd like to return.

Well, I know you're a realtor, that's why I called.

Hello?

It's no use, buddy.

These closing docs are rock solid.

I'm still in if you are.

Oh, I'm still in.

Because legally neither of us can walk away.

Yeah, that's what I found in my due diligence, as well.

So, what's our next move?

I'll do it, but now it's double the price.

When can you start?