Original subtitles

Our shift ends in five minutes.

I think I'm gonna order Pad Thai for dinner.

Don't do it, you'll jinx us.

You order food, we'll get another call.

You're young and proud and think that you can thwart fate, right?

But you can't.

Nah, I'm too hungry.

Complete my order with spring rolls?

I'd be a fool not to.

Just wait. We're a mile away from the precinct.

Send.

And the world didn't end.

Truck 12 please respond.

A neighbor reported an unattended barking dog.

12 Grove Place.

Ok, I'm really sorry...

Ah-ah-ah-ah let's just enjoy this beautiful, horrible moment

of me being right.

Hey, guys. Come on in.

It's a little late for a children's party.

Oh, it is not that. This is something else.

It's a furry party.

Hey, can I help you?

Oh goodness, I certainly hope not.

Are you the pony in charge?

Yeah.

We got a dog complaint.

Hey man, I just got here.

Uh, the one not in leather.

Yeah, that's Dexter.

I had to put him outside, he was humping everyone.

Yeah, I can see how that could create a weird sexual energy.

Yeah.

Sir, please don't make me put you in a crate.

Hey guys, he's gonna put me in a crate!

Crate! Crate! Crate!

This is getting away from us.

Alright, here's what we're gonna do.

Chipmunk.

Sorry, squirrel by the window.

Can you move to another room?

We did it. We solved this problem.

This is why we get up in the morning.

You're on duty. Let's go.

Another gift from your secret admirer?

Yeah, it's my third one this month.

It's getting serious. What is all that?

There's a card and then there's a bunch of Hokey Pokey

and Jaffas and Pineapple Zobs.

Oh! And what is all that?

- Candy... from New Zealand. - Oh.

It's a really lovely basket.

I know, right? It's kind of exciting.

I mean, the gifts are generous and specific

and it hasn't tipped over into stalker territory...

That's a tough balance for a creeper.

Unless it's a prank.

No, if it was a prank that candy would be full of ketamine

and you'd fail a city drug test.

Like I don't have fresh stranger urine in my car.

Officer Dudge approaching.

Greetings from your big brothers at Precinct 2-3.

Templeton, how is it that you're always here?

All the time.

Do you know where your precinct is?

You didn't tell them?

I'm just gonna rip the Band-Aid off.

Templeton needs someone to ride with him today.

No!

Oh no.

No, no, no, no.

Hey, a little compassion.

Half my precinct is off with food poisoning, ok?

Yes, we had a little party for Doug last night.

We had a raw bar, and it went room temp on us.

Emily, how do they have a budget for a raw bar?

I don't know that. Um, so who's gonna do it?

Who's gonna ride with Templeton?

I can offer an extra vacation day.

How about two? Two days. Any takers?

I'll keep going...

Stop... I will be in the truck.

Ok.

Ok, somebody has to take a bullet for this precinct

so you need to figure it out.

How about a rock, paper, scissors tournament

but loser advances?

I like that.

I'm only throwing scissors. Or am I?

- You throw scissors every time. - Yeah, we know that, dude.

Every time.

Yeah, but will I again?

- We're saying you will. - You will.

Ok, I'm gonna make this simple.

I need Victoria with me here to do paperwork

so that means, Patel, you are gonna ride with Templeton.

Thank you so much.

Wait, what? No! That is so autocratic.

I appeal! I appeal!

I appeal oysters, I appeal Templeton, all of this!

I did a day with Templeton once.

Three words: Swedish death metal.

The only thing worse than his personality

is his taste in music.

Truck 12 please respond.

Report of a large tortoise at a narcotics seizure.

Seattle PD requesting assistance.

1214 Warburton Avenue.

Crap. That's my brother's precinct.

You think he'll be there?

Oh, God hates me, so yes.

Which one is it, Paddy, Sean, or Colin?

It's Patrick, nobody calls him Paddy.

Except for our priest and they don't speak

since the fist fight.

How's he doing since the divorce?

Wait, do I know about that? Should I not say anything?

You know what? Just don't talk at all.

He's always looking for ways to mock me

and your whole deal would prove quite irresistible.

Truck 12 please respond.

Truck 12 is on it and a little giddy.

I finally get to meet your family.

I can't. I just can't.

Gosh. This day's gonna be a delight.

I can't believe they stuck me with you.

Oh, so we're just saying things out loud now?

'Cause I am not wild about you, either.

I got beef.

From when they paired us at the spring picnic.

Oh, is this about the three-legged race?

That was a year ago!

Last place. It was like dragging a corpse.

You gotta take shorter strides! I kept telling you!

Hey, look at this guy.

He's walking a dog on the beach

right by the sign that says "No walking dogs on the beach."

I think he's just looking out at the ocean.

- You don't get it, do you? - Mmm-mmm.

Give these sons of bitches an inch, they take a mile.

What?

Excuse me, sir.

Did you not see the sign right there?

Oh, we got one in the sand. Let's roll!

I'm not rolling.

Sir, sir! Excuse me, sir! Sir!

- Hey, I finished my reports. - Hey.

There wasn't actually much to do.

That's 'cause it was a ruse.

I thought we could spend the day solving the mystery

of who your secret admirer is.

Oh, I love you! Ok, first a confession.

I didn't actually finish my reports.

That's fine.

Do you listen to Loose Railing, the true crime podcast?

Because I'm obsessed.

Did the railing do it?

I'm not gonna spoil it for you, but they did solve the crime

by going to the store where the killer got

the deer rendering knife.

Oh god, that sounds gruesome.

It is the best.

Anyways, I thought to myself, I wonder who sells

tasty little New Zealand treats nearby.

Auckland Goodies in Spokane.

I did a lot of research and I came up with,

yeah, the exact same thing.

Let's call.

This is what they call an "ice cold call ".

Hi. Um, we received a delightful basket of your native candies.

Oh- uh, and we were wondering

if you could tell us who bought them.

He's saying he can't tell us.

But I just want to be able to thank them. You understand.

What?

It's an unwritten condition of the sale.

Policy of the store.

I'm so sorry, I'm actually... I'm catching very little.

He's bound by the ethics-

- Ethic... - Ethics.

Bound by the ethics of his trade.

- Oh. - He can't help us.

Thanks heaps for your help, see ya.

Thank you.

That was a dead end.

No, 'cause dead ends are just when you turn the car around.

Loose Railing Season 3 the car chase episode.

Sorry, can you understand me when I talk?

What?

Here he is, boys. Pack it up.

I said "boys " meaning everybody. Don't get on my back, Cheryl.

How're you doing, Frank?

Not bad, yourself?

Good.

Colleen and I are sorting out the custody stuff, but uh...

you still alone?

It depends. Is Colleen looking?

Wow, Frank told me you guys play for keeps.

I'm Shred, the partner.

What happened to Rick?

He's been gone for like three years.

Have you not told him about me?

Where's the turtle?

Or did Colleen run off with him, too?

Oh, you've gotten real cocky since your growth spurt.

What a majestic creature.

I wonder if he knows his owner was just busted

for selling bricks of heroine.

He's a 100-year-old tortoise. He's seen crazy stuff.

And they put him in front of this TV

and that is way too much screen time.

It's a Galapagos. They're endangered.

Well then how'd he get here?

Transported by a child's wish?

No, Shred, he was smuggled here.

They're not allowed in this country.

Ok, I don't know when you're being serious sometimes.

How're we gonna get him outta here?

He's like 300 pounds. Should we get Paddy to help?

He was a UCLA rower.

You need to stop Googling my family.

We don't need him. Go get the straps.

Seattle's finest, folks.

Somewhere in heaven mom is embarrassed as hell for you.

That's good stuff.

You know it was your divorce that killed her.

Keep it moving.

I wanna get out on that sick burn.

I don't wanna freak the tortoise out,

he's not used to high speeds.

You didn't even get out of the truck.

What the hell kind of partner are you?

A temporary one?

The kind who's here against his will?

Listen, are you hungry? 'Cause I could eat.

Maybe. There's a little spicy chicken place up the street.

Katie's Hot Chicken?

You know it?

Know it? I'm the reason there's a warning on the menu.

Huh. Let's go.

Come on, sir. You can do it.

Sorry, he's taking his time. He's very old.

We're all set up for him.

We just moved the Bengal tiger cub.

What? You have a Bengal tiger?

Yep.

Those are also illegal to own.

But I don't have to point that out to you

since we're both animal people. Where'd you get him?

That I don't know.

Who here would know?

That I also don't know.

You're really setting the world on fire, aren't you?

Look, I spend most of my days trying not to get bit.

And here he is, the guest of honor.

In his defense I would not be rushing to move from a mansion

into a refuge.

I wanna send this to my mom. What's the wifi password?

That I don't know, either.

That was weird, right?

That guy totally clammed up when I started asking

about the tiger.

Who doesn't wanna talk about tigers?

Tigers are awesome.

I don't know.

He just seemed a little overwhelmed.

Plus, he's not in a great place professionally.

Think about it.

Two illegal animals in one morning?

Something's off.

Maybe we should go back there and get some answers.

Do a little good cop, dumb cop.

Ok. I love when you get all excited about something

and start walking the edge,

but maybe just let the real cops handle it?

No. The cops are useless. They're probably in on it.

What, you mean like a Russian nesting doll of corruption?

Exactly.

And it's our jobs

to find the tiny little criminal babushka at the centre.

There's been a development. I've got something.

Whatcha got?

A clue. The note.

I don't know why I didn't go there earlier.

Look at the cursive "t ". There is a real flourish to it.

Oh, wow, yeah. That is a fancy "t ".

It's almost erotic.

Who is this mystery man or woman?

I don't know, but I think we find out who writes

with a sexy "t ", we find our admirer.

Which is why I have this.

A get well card.

Exactly.

We start our search in the precinct,

get everybody to sign it.

Oh, yes. That is so good.

Oh my gosh!

Ok, so um, who do we say that it's for?

Maybe... uh, Rachel in dispatch?

No, I think she's already in remission.

Ah, dammit.

Yeah, I think we missed our window, which is great.

- It's a good thing. - Yeah, glad that she's better.

Let's keep thinking, though.

Victoria never lets me eat here.

She says my vinegar breath stinks up the truck.

If your car doesn't stink at the end of your shift

have you really done your job?

That's exactly right.

Hi honey.

I've gotta pick her up from dance?

That's all the way across town during rush hour.

Busy.

No, no. I do not think it's easy being on bed rest

and watching me do everything. Literally.

No, baby I was just... that was a joke.

Mmhmm. Yeah.

Just text me and I'll pick up dinner.

Ok. Love you, bye.

Anything for you, my lady.

Sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry.

I'm actually kinda jealous of what you have.

Oh yeah? Which part exactly?

Ah, you know, going home to someone. Kids.

Why don't you have a family?

Personal. A little personal.

Sorry, I thought we were bonding.

I thought I'd use this as an opportunity

to find some actual humanity in you,

but, you know, it's fine, maybe there's nothing there.

I had a brutal divorce.

My wife cheated on me with my cousin.

Now they have two kids who are my first cousins once removed.

Sec- second cousins.

I don't know. They're something.

Wow.

Are you kidding me right now?

Ma'am! Ma'am!

Yeah?

Yeah, you can't run with your dog on the beach.

Oh, yeah, no, I know, but this is a medical service dog.

I need to see your license.

Sorry, I forgot it.

Oh, you did. Uh, excuse me...

Uh, oh. Seriously? Ok. Alright.

You're gonna go run?

You're not coming?

No, I'm not coming.

I just told you about my divorce.

You can't play the divorce card!

I hear them every summer at the lake house.

I'm haunted by the sounds of my cousin's love making.

Ma'am! Ma'am!

Can you please... These boots are not fun to run in, ma'am.

And how do we know that it's not her?

She just tells me everything she does.

Uh, Bettany, we need your help.

Anything.

We need you to go home sick.

We want everyone to sign a get well card for you.

Ok, you got it.

That's it? No follow up questions?

Oh, you want me to throw up in a wastebasket or something

to sell it?

No. No...

It feels necessary.

- No, don't. - Please don't. Please don't.

You can just go home.

Alright, I'm out.

Great.

Ok. See ya.

Hey. I talked to the other precincts.

There have been seven illegal animals confiscated

in the last three months.

An ocelot in Ballard, a Tonkin monkey in Magnolia,

and a javelina at Rainier Beach.

We have stumbled onto something big.

Also, I'm aware that the yarn forms a pentagram

which I think is unintentional. I think.

Ok. I love this.

But I do wonder if maybe you're going a little crazy

based on not a lot of evidence.

I'll have the evidence once I get the background checks

on the owners of these addresses, which means

I have to ask my brother, Patrick, for a favor.

In a perfect world I would blackmail him for it

but we don't live in a perfect world.

Patrick? A second chance to make a first impression.

Hey, everyone.

Um, so Bettany had to go home sick and we are getting everyone

in the office to sign this get well card for her.

Shred?

Oh, yeah.

- She's ill. - Oh, she is so...

- Seriously ill. - Oh my gosh.

Yeah, no.

No? Sorry, is that not how you spell Pedialite?

Frank?

Who's Bethany?

Bettany. The receptionist.

I hardly know her. It'd be insincere.

It's not a legally binding get well card, just sign it,

you crotchety loner.

Ok.

"Get well, besties for life. Frank Shaw. "

No.

Oh, and for the record,

I had walking pneumonia last year

and you guys didn't do crap.

Stop! Stop!

Ok, when we... when we tell you...

There's a... there's a sign!

We are... in uniform.

I ate so much chicken, man.

The license is back at my place. What do you wanna do?

Do you wanna wait here and I'll go get it?

We'll wait at Animal Control Precinct 22.

And when you show me the license you get the dog back.

You're kidding.

Oh, man, I don't feel good.

Ok. Come on.

Wait, what?

Hey, you can't take my dog!

What?

I can't believe you took her dog.

We have to send a message.

You can't just say your pet's a service dog,

look at this ragamuffin. That's no hero.

What happened to you?

Hey, did you hear that? Oh, are you ok?

I just got really lightheaded.

Um... what?

Look at this. That's not normal.

That's better.

I'm a diabetic. Usually my watch warns me.

Diabetic?

Hey. He's got a blanket, too.

What? Where did that even come from?

This guy must be a medical service dog.

Oh, you're in big trouble.

We. We're partners.

No, no, no. You.

I wanted to stay in the truck and eat hot chicken.

What's up?

Dad, I didn't expect you to be here.

It's Tony's. Cops get 30 percent off for life.

Want me to order you something?

One of your cheeseburgers without the cheese?

He's lactose intolerant.

I'm not intolerant, I just don't like it melted.

A cheeseburger without the cheese

is a hamburger, numb nuts.

This guy, always with the special orders.

Hey, just shut it, you two.

I heard you collared a perp turtle.

A grateful nation thanks you for your service.

Holy crap. It's Papa Bear.

I told you to wait in the truck.

Who's this?

I'm Shred, sir. The partner.

What happened to Rick?

Have you told no one in your family about me?

Look, I need a favor.

Run a background check for me and I promise

I'll be a character witness at your next custody hearing.

Ok. I'm just gonna need the full name of the kangaroo.

It's Stephen Peter Flaherty.

Don't!

Don't even. Don't mention Father Flaherty.

Oh, well for me it was the best confirmation ever.

Enough!

I'm trying to eat my frickin' cheeseburger

and I got the knucklehead choir going here.

Wow, it's like I'm at your kitchen table.

Just run the names, Magnum.

You're not a cop anymore.

Stop acting like it.

Dad, how about you? You still got some pull, right?

I can't do it.

Well, actually that's not true. I won't do it.

Dad, I wanna thank you

for being a withholding black hole of negativity.

- Patrick. - Hmm?

Everybody knows you lost your gun at a Starbucks last year.

That's not true. That's not true.

Not true!

You know what, screw those guys.

I can bring this ring down on my own.

All I need is some surveillance equipment.

A drone, a ghillie suit for the woods, pulse grenades,

C-4 explosives...

Yeah. Yep, totally.

Um, hey, but just to circle back.

You may be seeing something that's not there.

Oh, it's there. My senses are sharpened.

Oh, I blew a stop sign. Oops.

Ok, yeah.

But um, I... I have a theory if you're interested.

Well, your last theory was that all gum

was the same flavor so no.

Ok, well is it possible there isn't some small part of you

that wants to prove to them that you're a real Shaw.

A real cop. Like your cousin Denny.

May he rest in peace.

I regret ever telling you anything about my family,

and Denny did not go down in a line of duty.

It was autoerotic asphyxiation.

I really thought the card thing was gonna work.

This is just not cracking like it does on Loose Railing.

I feel bummed.

Hmm.

Which is weird for me.

Like, am I looking for romance? Or something special?

Are you?

I don't know! Am I?

I don't know.

I'm not ready to give up just yet.

Ok.

Do you wanna get a drink and brainstorm?

Definitely.

Um, actually I have a... I have a little confession to make.

Oh God, it's not you, is it?

No.

No?

But...

"Oh god"? Really?

I'm so sorry.

No. I was gonna say I kinda kept you here at the office

'cause I feel like we haven't been hanging out as much.

Like, since Rick I just...

Awe.

That's so cute. I love hanging out.

Are you giving up on whatever weird little Frank project

you've got going on?

Yeah. As they say, it was stupid.

Most things involving yarn usually are.

What happened?

I got myself worked up over nothing... again.

Like when I thought Shred was in Nexium.

Whatever. How's your get well card scam?

I should have figured that you'd see right through that.

Which means I'm smart enough to hide my real handwriting.

Oh, no...

Do you really think I would do something as obvious

as send you New Zealand snacks?

I don't know.

I think I know you a little better than that.

Ok. Creeper.

Creeper?

Time to face the music.

Oh God.

Or we could tie the dog up and just leave a note.

Yes. That's more courageous.

'Cause this is awkward for her, too.

- Yes. - Right?

I got a note here.

"Apologies, Officers Templeton Dudge and Amit Patel." Here.

- No, don't put my name on it. - It's already on it.

- Did you put my name on it? - Let's go.

Hurry up. Go, go!

Ooh, ooh, my hamstring, my hamstring.

It's seized up! It's seized up!

- Hey, I got you. - Okay.

Put your foot on my foot. Follow me.

Inside first.

Now, go! I knew you had another gear.

Where was this at the picnic?

Hey! Over here in the shadows!

- Refuge guy? - Damn.

Why are you hiding in the dark?

It's a great hiding spot. Well, it was.

Anyway, there's a Komodo dragon coming in.

When?

They don't tell me anything! But you are onto something.

I'll sneak up on you later.

Dammit!

Thanks, refuge guy!

It's Terry, man!

I don't have much to go on.

That's more than enough for me.

Oh, do you want a ride?

No thanks, I Ubered.

This guy's gonna buy all my laser discs

but he's gonna pay me in... in crypto.

Freeze!

I'm just kidding.

Uh, mind if I join you?

Who are you?

Classic.

It's Shred.

Shred?

Not Rick?

Not Rick.

Frank's got a birthday coming up,

I'm thinking a little karaoke-themed party,

so if you have a favorite song

I want to give you time to work on your routines.

Frank's got a birthday coming up?

Wait, you're asking me?

Wow. So much darker than I realized.

Anyway, perfect world,

I see all four of us doing a little YMCA, right?

Who's gonna be the cop? Not me.

Everything else is on the table.

Yeah, um, hey, look. You are a really nice kid.

Thank you.

So I'm gonna give you 10 seconds to get out.

- Nine. - What?

Eight. Seven. Six.

We haven't decided yet what we're doing.

You already know what you're doing.

- Four. - Go.

Three. Two. One.

Paradise by the Dashboard Light.

- What? - You and me.