Original subtitles

Yeah, so sloth's climbing up Wall Three,

one of our most popular climbs.

When did he start his ascent, last week?

Over here.

Up there.

We had a kid's birthday party yesterday.

I think the petting zoo guy must have forgotten him.

Oh, did they use Heavy Petters? We get a lot of calls.

Real sloppy with their head count.

Oh, little dude's on the move.

He's getting cocky.

Shred, strap me in.

Frank, let me flag this one more time.

Are you sure you don't want me to climb?

Shred, look at him.

I'm just worried about you overdosing on cuteness

and losing all your faculties. I got this.

Hurry, Frank! I think he's losing his grip!

Mmhmm. The yelling helps.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, buddy. I'm Frank. It's ok.

Yeah, come on over here nice and easy.

Oh, alright. Well, um...

He likes the clip, Frank.

Oh, look. It's shiny.

Ok, ok.

No, no, no, no, no!

Ahhhhh!!!!!

Are you ok?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The phone and keys broke my fall.

What are you giggling at?

Teresa.

She sent me a video of her getting knocked over by a wave.

She's very self-deprecating.

Who's Teresa?

One of the women I'm texting with.

One of the women?

Yeah. I joined a couple of those dating apps

and maybe it's 'cause I posted a picture

of me with a baby giraffe

but I'm getting a lot of messages.

I feel like it was just a week ago you were so heartbroken

over Emily you couldn't finish your French toast sticks.

I'm done wallowing, Frank. I'm done with it.

Man was not put on this earth to wallow.

Hey, if you had a dazzling text rapport with someone

would you be willing to travel to Bainbridge Island?

It's a long way away, I have to take a ferry,

but I think it makes a statement.

Well, it's a big opportunity for her to meet

the most exhausting person on the planet.

Precinct 22 adoption update:

we just found a home for the goat,

so that makes 68 pets this quarter.

Our kennels are officially empty.

Alright.

Congratulations.

How many did Templeton's broke ass precinct have?

As of this morning, 75.

Wait, so we don't have a chance at the ping pong table?

There's only two days left.

Why did you present this as a win?

Ok, well we're second in all of Seattle

so we're going to get the pizza lunch.

But I don't want the pizza lunch.

I want the table.

Alright, well it's not about winning,

it's about the animals' well-being.

Oh, you think the animals want Templeton to win?

No, they want justice,

and justice is me winning that table.

I mean us, the collective me. I just wanna play ping pong!

Ok, bye, Frank.

Thank you for contacting

US Citizenship and Immigration Services.

Your call will be answered by the next available agent.

Yes, I know, because you've told me 700 times.

Don't.

- Gotcha. - Don't you dare.

- I don't like this part. - Stop.

Is that a French horn?

All units: Police requesting back-up

at 146 Broadway.

It's a French horn. Truck 8 responding.

Thank you for contacting

US Citizenship and Immigration Services.

This is torture! I just need a green card!

Why are you making this so difficult?

Don't.

Hey, officers Flea and Tick.

Oh my god, you are so funny.

Those improv classes are really paying off, Jimmy.

What've we got?

Hoarder died alone. A lot of toasters.

A lot of cats.

How many cats?

I don't know, man. Like 400?

They wouldn't stay still for a head count.

They're all gonna need homes.

You know what else needs a home? That ping pong table.

Up top, Shred.

Yep.

Alright, let's go, guys.

Hi.

Ewww, this place freaks me out.

Yeah, I don't wanna toot my own horn but this is exactly

what I thought a hoarder's house would smell like.

Classic Frank boast. No way to verify it.

Just breathe in.

Don't do that!

Sorry.

Who keeps a headless mannequin in a hallway, dude?

What?

There are dozens of jars of urine in the other room

and this gives you pause?

Guys, remember that hoarding is a disease

according to this pamphlet I found

in a pile of pamphlets about hoarding.

That is not cool!

Dude.

What? Just 'cause an old lady died here doesn't mean

we can't have a little fun.

Can anyone else hear that music?

I can't tell whether it's real or whether it's in my head.

I totally hear it.

'Cause it's music playing, guys.

Hello?

Is anybody home?

Well, I hope you guys feel silly.

What is it?! Is it undead?

Away demon! Off! Get it off!

I think we just added to the urine smell.

Get it off!

Too bad she didn't hoard cleaning products.

Sure, it's got a bit of deferred maintenance,

every surface is sticky, but it's got good bones.

A savvy investor could come in here and make a killing.

Look at this. That's original red oak.

Right.

Is that a working fireplace?

Ooh, I just got confirmation from Bainbridge Island.

I'm now fully booked for the week.

You gotta get on one of these apps, Frank.

Dating apps are for losers.

I get heaps of action from those apps.

Dating apps are for losers and illegal aliens.

Oh, burn.

Let's get these cats out of here and go win a ping pong table.

Yeah, working! Maybe I should invest.

I think you're changing the subject.

The subject was and always will be ping pong.

You changed it.

Yeah, but I've known you a year and a half,

you've never been in a relationship,

I just think it's weird.

Look, I got ghosted by the same woman twice.

And my dentist, also a woman, she keeps rescheduling,

so I'm just gonna take the spring off.

Frank, you're not getting any younger.

And don't you wanna meet a nice lady who can help you

get on and off the toilet?

Yeah, you know, one more comment like that and I'm calling ICE.

I'm just saying you have to be careful,

because this situation could be you.

Lonely, tall man, dies surrounded by his cats.

Ok.

I think it might already be too late.

My legs are so well-defined they think it's a scratching post.

Sure.

Alright everybody, listen up.

We have been given a gift with these cats.

A screeching, clawing gift from the gods.

What is going on with these phones?

Immigration.

That is a French horn, right?

What's your excuse?

Bainbridge Island fell out and I have to fill her slot.

Let me rephrase that.

Frank, is now a good time to speak to you

about an investment opportunity?

No.

Because I am on Zillow right now, excellent school district,

it practically sells itself to a young family,

not to mention a peekaboo view of the Space Needle.

I wouldn't even go in on a bag of M&M's with you,

let alone a hoarder's house. We need to focus.

There is a ping pong table at stake.

Sure, I could just buy one, but it's not about that.

It's about beating Templeton.

We have until end of business Friday

to get this product out the door.

Ok, Frank, just a reminder they're neglected cats,

not product, and it's, you know, less about speed,

more about finding them good, loving homes.

Totally. Three of them are siblings.

So we could probably put those in one package

and that would leave us with ten units.

Officer Dudge approaching, should I deny entry?

- Yeah. - Yes.

No, it's fine, Bettany.

Ok, not sure if you heard, we unloaded the beagle

with the infected anal glands.

So next question: deep dish or thin crust?

I'm not hungry now after hearing about that beagle situation.

That ping pong table is gonna fit nicely

next to the Sno-Cone machine we won last quarter,

and at some point, Emily, this is about your leadership.

Or lack thereof.

Ok, you're not gonna make me feel bad about this, Templeton.

I might.

And you're awfully quiet, Frank.

Don't worry, I'm screaming plenty of things at you

in my head.

There's that snark, that wry smile.

Alright, backhand, slice.

Bye.

All clear.

Ok, we're changing tactics. We're gonna win.

I am so sick of that jerk just always gunning for my job

and I need to wipe the smug little smile off of his face.

I like petty, competitive Emily.

Yeah, she's sexy. A little bit naughty, even.

And I'm not allowed to say this stuff at work

so maybe I'll get disciplined.

I'm really sorry about that, I- I've switched birth control

so I'm feeling a bit crazy.

Ok, we need a plan.

I think we all know what we have to do.

Oh, here we go.

- Any excuse. - Love it.

- She loves it. - Love it.

I'm sorry, what do we have to do?

We have to dress the cats up

and put pictures of them on our website.

And I should probably be in charge of costume theme.

We're not doing the Jane Austen thing again.

Why not? It was so cute.

The lizard in the bonnet sat there for five months.

And two of those months it was dead.

But it was cute.

Ok, I am gonna pull rank that I don't have.

Wild West theme, everybody.

Sheriffs, cowboys, maybe a little bordello.

Yes!

That is what we're doing.

I love the wild west.

Yosemite Sam was always my favorite Loony Toon.

Everybody knows that Bugs Bunny was the best.

I'm not having this argument again.

Pepe LePew?

Cancelled.

Always ignored.

I can work with Wild West,

I'm seeing lots of cotton bloomers and bolo ties,

so you two, I need you on art supplies.

I need you two on teeny-tiny cat costumes.

Ok. We need to make these cats as adorable as possible

- as fast as possible. - Yeah.

Let's go, everybody. Let's go.

Right now?

Claws become features.

The three-legged cat needs to have a Civil War costume,

give him a back story. Let's go!

Bainbridge Island is back in!

Uh, don't use office hours for trivial nonsense.

You're supposed to be ordering tiny cowboy hats.

I don't know if I can trust her now.

I'm gonna double book a date just so I have a back-up plan.

Shred, I don't wanna get involved in your emotional life,

I've been consistent and unwavering in that,

but you seem a little nuts with the dating.

Oh, you and my mother.

That's what she thinks,

that I haven't processed all my feelings for Emily.

Well, process this: boo hoo.

You know what? You and your mom covered it.

I'm gonna tell you what I told her.

Don't clip my wings, mom.

I'm flying into a world of unknown romantic

slash sexual opportunities.

Truck 12. Business owner reporting missing animal.

3247 Kinley Street.

Truck 12 responding,

Officer Shaw and his unhinged passenger on their way.

Frank is a great guy.

I mean, if I had one constructive criticism

it would be that his dreams, they're small.

Not like you and me.

Others see storm clouds,

we see an opportunity to invent the umbrella.

We get it.

I'm not investing in no disgusting house.

And if it's so great, why don't you just buy it?

Well, I've sunk a lot of liquidity

into children's piano lessons.

Oh my gosh, I'm next in line. This is very exciting.

I've been on hold for literally hours.

This is very unfortunate timing.

No!!!!

Oh boy.

A psychic who can't find their own pet.

It's gonna be hard for me to be my best self in there.

So my monkey, Nirvana,

she's the reincarnation of Kurt Cobain.

That's how she got her name.

Yeah, I put two and two together.

I got a little ESP of my own.

I know she's going to be ok because I can see she's safe.

Wanna short cut this and tell us where she is?

It doesn't work like that.

Of course not.

Hey. We'll alert the authorities.

Well, actually, it's actually us.

But don't worry, we will find your monkey.

You have a kind aura.

Thanks.

Yours is more turbulent.

What gave it away?

My overt hostility, or that more than once

I've implied that you're a charlatan?

Hey, can I ask you something?

There's this girl on Bainbridge Island...

She's not worth it. Too far away.

Also, she's very indecisive.

Frank, she's good. Ask her something.

No.

Come on.

Are we gonna win the ping pong table?

Seriously? You can ask me anything.

I can see into the future or communicate with the dead.

Fine.

Reach out to my dead mother and ask her

if she thinks we're gonna win the ping pong table.

You're at a crossroads in life.

I can only see one path clearly

and it's a path of great loneliness.

Have you considered a dating app?

Just admit you don't know who's gonna win the ping pong table.

Ping pong is just a distraction.

Underneath you don't think

there's someone out there for you.

You've given up on love.

I just got a chill.

That chill is because strip mall medium here can't afford heat.

And she lost an entire monkey.

Alright, let's go.

Thank you.

This bartender looks like my uncle Jimmy.

Holy crap, I think it's working. Getting a lot of likes.

Really?

Here we go.

Ok. Some family wants to adopt Billy the Kitten

and the hairless call girl.

Yes!

Still no takers on the hairy call girl.

- Emily? - Hey.

Can I help you?

I mean, you've been going non-stop all day.

Um, yeah, actually could you hand me that tiny little

hang man's noose for our cattle wrestler here?

Wow, look at that. You've got a real creative side.

Thanks.

Ever thought about working on a bigger canvas?

No, I'm not investing in your house, Patel.

I'm taking an early lunch.

Ok.

Agent.

Agent.

I'm saying agent!

Officer Dudge approaching.

This is pandering, whoring your pets.

- Emily's in her office. - Okay.

This is pandering, whoring your pets.

I've already registered my complaint online.

Wait, are you catdignity99?

Yes, I am.

'Cause someone has to speak for those who have no voice.

Have you ever considered a vow of silence in solidarity?

Never.

Doesn't your supervisor ever wonder where you are?

Yeah.

Oh, starting tomorrow

he will be able to find me at our new ping pong table.

I don't know.

I mean, you wouldn't have come all this way

if you weren't a little sweaty and nervous.

You know I have a diminished thyroid,

so that is workplace harassment.

I can't keep track of all your shrinking body parts.

Why don't you make a complaint to one of your cat forums?

Maybe I already did.

- Oh, you did? - Yeah.

Oh, what did it say?

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,

he was mean to me.

Hey, Shred.

Hey, what's up?

Hey yo, how come you haven't asked me to invest yet?

Ah, you're a young kid, man.

You don't have that kind of extra dough.

I mean, you know I had a lot of sponsors

when I was a snowboarder, right?

Really?

Wait, so would you be interested in investing?

Oh, I wish I could.

Of course you just build me up just to cut me down, huh?

Dude, I don't have time for side projects right now.

I'm dating non-stop.

Let me take you by after work,

you see the neighborhood at night, no commitment.

Alright, yeah.

I'm always looking for ways to expand my portfolio.

Yeah. That's it.

Portfolio?

I'm not worried. We're leading by six

and closing time is fast approaching.

Oh, boom.

Found a home for the labradoodle.

Well, I wouldn't get too confident because

boom, just found a home for Fluffy Frontier Pharmacist.

That was a picture of a cappuccino.

We will find a home for Fluffy Frontier Pharmacists!

And all of the citizens of Cat Town.

Feels very desperate, people. Very desperate.

That's an ace.

That's a slice.

Put a freaking agent on the phone.

Bam!

Look at this. Sycamore lined streets,

I mean, this place just has all the intangibles.

Oof, there she is, right in the middle of the block.

What're all those people doing there?

Is that an open house? That's not in the MLS.

You think they're doing a pocket listing?

Look at those beams.

Welcome, I'm Ben.

Ah, you must be the listing agent.

Hi.

Uh, no. I'm Audrey's son.

So help yourself to some food

and the rabbi will begin prayers in a few minutes.

Oh. There's been a huge misunderstanding.

I'm so sorry, we thought this was an open house.

I am so sorry for your loss. That is just devastating.

But in regards to the house

have you guys come up with an asking price?

Not that there's- that's not for today.

No, for today is about your mother.

We're... um, we're gonna...

Wait.

Don't go.

My mother didn't have many friends

and we need ten people for a minion.

Please be seated.

The house is great for entertaining.

Ten in the living room, no problem?

We come in low but we come in fast.

Hello, Templeton. Are you calling to concede?

I know you cheated. We were up by three at 4:45.

That ping pong table should be ours, Frank!

What can I tell ya?

An animal lover came in right before the bell.

But you still got that pizza lunch, right?

What is it, two medium pies for 30 people?

That sounds like fun. Enjoy the stampede.

I'm launching a formal investiga...

Alright guys, let's not get too comfortable, ok?

This isn't permanent.

You're leaving when we find you new homes.

Except for you, Doc Whiskers. Obviously you're staying.

Because I love you, and I've always loved you.

I sure do.

Hey, what do you ladies wanna watch, huh?

What's happening to me?

I can't talk, I'm on hold.

Mock me all you want, I need your help.

I need you to get me on those dating apps.

Aren't those for losers?

Oh, absolutely.

And I am ready to join their ranks.

I'll be right there.

I know.

I was so embarrassed, you know?

And then my mom came to pick me up from school

with a brand new baseball glove.

Which she probably has in the basement somewhere

along with every pair of cleats I've ever owned.

She has a hard time letting go of things.

Now I'm having a hard time letting go of her.

Thank you, Ben. That was beautiful.

Beautiful.

Would anyone else like to share?

I would.

What?

Uh, being with all of you has made me very aware

of how hard it is to lose someone you love.

To know that you can never be together.

To know that your life is forever changed.

To know that she's with someone else now.

And the odds of finding somebody with a radiant beauty

that likes dressing cats in adorable outfits

is pretty much zero.

And I've been running from my feelings for a while,

but the truth is I'm just really, really sad.

I'm sad.

Thank you.

You save animals for a living.

I... I don't understand why you're fighting it.

I think most women would find that very appealing.

There's so much more to me than that.

I'm a deep thinker.

I'm a graduate of the school of life.

Do you wanna add celibate to the list?

Look, it's very simple, Frank.

You are six foot four, you don't have kids,

you save animals for a living.

It wouldn't hurt to mention your shoe size, they look big.

Can you at least add that I'm a bourbon and scotch enthusiast?

Yeah, sure. Drinks too much.

Why don't we just lead with that?

Alright, just say whatever you want.

But don't use the photo of me and the baby giraffe.

Oh, it's good actually.

Yeah, my hair looked good that day.

Vain.

You alright? You got pretty emotional in there.

Yeah.

I mean, you probably already know

but I'm having some trouble getting over Emily.

Totally. Emily.

Honestly, I did not know that.

Really?

Yeah, you'd be surprised at how self-centered I can be.

Oh. Well, yeah.

I guess I thought I was ready to start dating

but I'm just not, man.

You'll get there, buddy.

Thanks.

You know what might be nice?

Hmm?

Just throw yourself into a project.

Something with incredible upside potential.

You really are self-centered.

You have no idea.

Why do you want this house so bad, anyway?

Well, Maya is on bed rest, my kids are monsters,

I want something that's mine.

I get that, man.

Yeah.

I need something that's mine, too.

Let's do it.

Really?

Yeah, dude. Let's, like, let's actually do it.

Are you...?

I'm serious. No, let's be, like, real estate tycoons.

Yes! Yes! Let's run this town, baby!

Yeah, dude!

Wait.

Hey, woah, in that tree, is that a... is that a monkey?

Ok, are you ready to unleash your manhood

on the greater Seattle area?

What the hell app did you sign me up for?

Too late, we're live.

I hope you meet someone great.

I don't have a very good track record.

No, neither do I.

But I'm a lot younger than you so I feel like I've got time.

Citizenship and Immigration,

what can I do for you?

Oh my god!

No way! It's a real live actual person!

Hello.

Sorry, um, I just... uh, I have questions about uh,

the application process.

Hold on, let me transfer you to that department.

Wait, no. Do not put me on hold...

I hate your country!

Hello, applications?

That was really quick.

Hello?

- Hang on, I'm coming! - Hello?

Just wait.

Wait a hot minute, I just have to find you.

I'm coming. Do not hang up.

Hello?

Do not hang up! Do not hang up!

Hey, I've already gotten two matches.

Ah, one's a cousin.

Officer Taylor?

I found your little friend.

That's not my monkey.

I knew this was going to happen.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Lady Monkeyton.

She's totally getting adopted.

She's so aristocratic.

It's hard to believe that just five minutes ago

she was throwing her own feces.

Alright, who wants to play ping pong?

- I'll play ping pong. - Let's go.

Yes.

Lady Monkeyton, you are the most beautiful eligible monkey

in all of the land.

You might get a proposal soon.