Original subtitles

It's mating season, Shred.

Birds do it mid-air, frogs attached to other frogs,

a lot of dumpster humping.

Love is in the air.

Love doesn't exist.

Are you still moaning about Emily?

It's been months.

She blew up my heart, Frank.

You weren't even together.

Well, I can't believe she chose Rick.

You never even told her you liked her.

Yeah, well, regrets, I have a few!

Alright, that's it. Get out.

I'm in a rare good mood and you're bringing me down.

Get out.

I'm not getting out, ok?

I'm not on probation, we are now partners.

Things have changed.

Well, I'm a senior partner so I make the rules.

Get out.

Senior partner is not a recognized category

according to department regulations.

I checked.

Regulations also state

that you have to have a stain-free uniform.

Childish.

Yeah, it's childish and deeply satisfying.

All available units,

report of raccoons in a bowling alley, 21 Capen Street.

Truck 12 responding, two minutes out.

Word of caution: the raccoons appear to be inebriated.

That's kind of fun.

They came in through the A/C duct and hit the bar.

These guys all 21?

Yeah, this reminds me of the X Games afterparty,

but with less raccoons.

These guys all 18?

Frank already made the American version of that joke.

Nice.

Oh god. Guys, is he...

Satisfying a very specific fetish?

Welcome to mating season, everyone.

This is why I own my own ball.

Hey!

Woah! Alright.

Let's get these trash pandas in the truck.

Hey! Woah!

I want my little friend in lane 23.

Ok, raccoon.

You know what?

It's a lot of paperwork and wildly inhumane.

Come on, I'll let you throw a ball at Shred.

It's not the same.

Shred, you seeing this?

- We need quarters. - Yeah.

- Do you have quarters? - Uh...

There's more in the arcade.

You get the claw. I got the arcade.

If the kitchen's open tell 'em to start frying.

I'm coming back hungry.

Hey, little buddy.

Going for a high score?

Oooh. Should I book the suite with the private hot tub?

Probably not.

Too late, it's booked.

Seven glorious days and nights in Kauai.

It's on the rainy side but I got a good deal.

Sorry, can a pregnant woman even go in a hot tub?

Yeah, she can do a light soak up to the mid-calf.

Oh, lucky her.

A Baby Moon is not just for the mother.

Yeah, but she's doing all the hard work.

What're you pushing out of your vagina?

She booked none of this, no planning.

The hotel, the zip-line, the massages, that was all me.

I need a vacation, ok? It's just...

This pregnancy is just... It's killing me.

Hey.

Hey.

Look at this guy.

You and Rick didn't get a dog, did you?

'Cause that'd be...

That's... I mean, that's a big commitment.

No, I found him wandering in the parking lot.

I'm gonna get him scanned, see if I can find his family.

Oh, ok. Well um, good luck.

He's super cute. Alright, see you around.

Oh yeah, just keep staring longingly.

That'll get it done.

Oh, don't break eye contact. It'll break the spell.

I hope he finds a home

so he don't get creeped out by you anymore.

He wasn't creeped out.

Hey, I forgot to tell you, Victoria and I got Arkansas.

That's 46 license plates for us which puts us in the lead.

Arkansas?

Mmhmm.

No, you didn't.

We totally did, because up until now

I thought it was pronounced "Ar-kansas ".

It's not, and I'm very confused as to how it's not.

And you just happened to forget to tell us

that you got one of the most elusive license plates,

only topped by a plate from Puerto Rico or American Samoa?

Are you calling us liars?

I'm calling you lying sacks of liars.

Yeah, and I don't like to use the L word but right now

both of your pants are on fire.

Ok, new rule.

The license plate does not count unless it is accompanied

by a photo taken from inside the truck.

Because, again, dirty, lousy liars.

I'll take the photos.

Alright, everyone, listen up.

Hey, your smallness? It has no effect on me.

In two weeks I'm gonna be lounging on the beach

in a tropical paradise.

Hey, speaking of the beach-

Yeah. You'll be soaking in the rain, tight wad.

Intermittent showers. It's actually lovely.

She said "listen up ".

Thanks, Bettany. Um, I can take it from here.

Alright. The floor is yours.

Ok. Um, actually, one small thought.

I know you've just been our receptionist for a few weeks,

you're doing so great. You go above and beyond,

um, but sometimes it's like you go above and beyond

above and beyond.

Oh, copy.

Egg bites are on your desk.

Ok.

Um, tremendous job at the bowling alley.

I know it's easy to forget but what we do here

is vital to the city.

And Patel, you should probably get a rabies shot.

I'm still good for a few months.

Oh right, the bats.

I forgot.

Diego.

Hi, what're you doing here?

Uh, there's something I need to talk to you about.

Yes, oh my god, you called me. I'm so sorry.

What's up?

Uh, I met someone.

And I want a divorce.

Oh...

Divorce?

Guess we're not in Arkansas anymore.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have blindsided you like that.

No, it's ok.

Good to see you, Diego.

Ok, see ya.

What the hell?

You're married?

Guys, relax. It isn't a real marriage, ok?

Diego is a DJ at a club that I used to go to,

and I just needed a green card

so, like, it made sense for us to just do the thing.

But there aren't supposed to be any secrets in the cab.

I shared my colonoscopy results with you.

You shared that with everyone. At lunch.

In color.

You all had to go through the prep with me,

I owed you the payoff.

Polyp free.

Polyp free.

Uh, not so fast.

Coffee is for naturalized citizens only.

Are you ok?

I mean, no, not really. I'm kind of freaking out.

If I can't find another way to get a green card

I'm gonna get kicked out of your stupid country.

You should talk to Emily

'cause I think the department could sponsor you.

Wait, really? Do they do that?

You know, I'm not sure,

but I am sure that I'm not gonna visit you in New Zealand.

It's way too far away.

But, tell you what, meet you halfway. Portland.

You should be nicer to me. I just got divorced.

Wha... hi, Rick.

Hi.

I came by to score a few extra boyfriend points.

What're you up to now, Rick? Three?

Oh, probably not that many. But I do my best.

Ha, and he's humble. He's the whole package.

We love Rick.

Awe, are these peonies?

They look like the ones we saw at the flower market.

The same ones we saw at the flower market.

Someone may have doubled back, I don't know.

That's how you do it, people.

That's the kind of attention this lady deserves.

Or is it too on the nose, Bettany?

I'm kidding.

It's so amazing you keep showering Emily with gifts.

Come here.

Wait, come on.

Oh! Oh!

Careful!

Don't wanna crush 'em. Don't wanna crush those.

I hate Rick. I hate him.

He always tries to act like he's such a great dude.

He is a great dude.

I know he's a great dude!

Everyone knows he's a great dude.

I mean, he used eucalyptus in that bouquet, Frank.

That's a quality filler.

I wish I could throw you out of the truck right now,

preferably in motion.

You and I are not meant to be on equal footing.

Well, get used to it.

It's unnatural.

Why are you always so critical?

I've told you about my dad. I'm toning it down.

Don't even get me started on the fact

that we've literally never hugged.

Alright, Shred. You win.

What the... No, not the hug.

Look, clearly what I've been doing is not shutting you up,

so what's gonna take your mind off Emily?

Whatever that is, that's what we're doing today.

Really? Like my own special day?

Like a Shred's Day?

More like a long lunch, but sure.

Whatever I want, you promise not to judge me?

Oh, absolutely not.

Would you ask Michelangelo not to sculpt?

I thought he was more of a nunchuck guy.

Not the Ninja Turtle.

I know!

This is amazing! I feel better already!

Excuse me, coming through. It's Shred's Day.

Woo! Woo!

Come on, Frank! Join me!

Get some air, it's fun!

I've already bribed them to let two childish adult men in here.

I've done enough.

Come on, double bounce me! I need more height!

Double bounce me!

Woo!

I'm not gonna let you get deported.

I don't want to lose you as an officer or as a friend,

so I will call right now.

Thank you.

Line two, Rhonda, HR.

Wow, thanks Bettany.

She's so good.

Yeah. Rhonda, hi.

Yeah, we have a bit of a situation.

Uh, one of my best officers might lose her green card

and I'd like to know the protocol

for the department to sponsor her.

Oh, what? Uh, wait, really?

We can't?

What? What is she saying?

Put... put her on speaker.

So animal control officers

are not considered essential workers.

Oh, uh, no.

We are vital to the life of the city.

Then who is considered essential, huh?

Police, firefighters of course, anything IT related,

and sanitation workers.

So basically every public service but us?

Hold on a sec, just looking at my list.

Yes, correct. Everyone but you.

Now, is there anything else I can help...

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna- I'm gonna figure something out.

Or I will become a smoking hot garbage man.

Is Rhonda being an issue?

- Yeah. - No.

Yeah.

Central office, blue Nissan Leaf, right?

You don't need to do anything, Bettany.

Sounds like Rhonda.

Oh yeah, I hear you.

You don't want me to do anything to Rhonda or her car.

No.

And it's important as my supervisor

that you get it on the record.

Yeah, ok.

Why is she smiling like that?

Bettany! Bettany!

She's great.

I touched the roof, Frank.

I haven't gotten that much air since my snowboarding days.

You know, I gotta admit, when you collided with those toddlers

it put a smile on my face.

It was funny.

And now be prepared to have your mind blown

by the best waffles in the city.

Oh, and you can turn this menu into a crown.

I am the king of Shred's Day.

Oh god.

Please, just "king ".

Ok, don't look, but the server over there...

The one taking orders from those uncrowned gentlemen?

That's the woman that ghosted me.

That's Yasmine? Go talk to her.

I'm not gonna talk to her.

Frank, it's serendipity. You have to.

You helped me with Emily and the universe,

which I know you don't believe in this kind of thing,

rewarded you.

No, it was humiliating.

I told everyone she left town but the truth is

I took her to a Seahawks game

and she went to go get a Hawk's Nest dog

and never came back.

Forever retaining your association

with your favorite team.

She's looking over here.

Oh god. It's my crown that draws the eye.

Frank?

Oh, hey Yasmine.

I was hoping that I'd run into you one day.

I felt so terrible about what happened.

Oh, that's ok.

I'm sure you've heard by now, we beat the Broncos.

Well, I owe you an apology.

That's not... Yes, you do. You actually do.

Listen, I'm in the middle of lunch rush.

Is there any chance that maybe we could grab a drink later

and I could explain myself?

Yeah, sure.

Okay.

I mean, once I'm done with this Make-a-Wish kid.

Hmm?

He's a grown man. That's my partner.

That's your part... Right.

It's open.

Professional courtesy.

Me and some of the men from the 2-3

are here to requisition some dog food.

Not that I need your permission

'cause it's coming straight from the top.

Just take it all.

What's with the sad sack situation?

Boss lady down?

I just thought I was doing something meaningful

with my life

but I just found out what we do here is considered inessential.

Hmm. I would have gone with pointless.

It applies to you, too, Templeton.

There's only one opinion that matters to me

and that's the guy in the mirror.

And he gives me a thumbs up, and sometimes a kiss.

Ok. I just...

I don't know, I wanted this job

'cause I wanted to make a difference.

There's a position at the rec center

working with the blind kids.

What?

Not sure they're all the way blind but they're blind enough

that they don't let them play sports.

I'm not quitting my job.

Yet.

Just so you know, I'm warming up in the bullpen

for when Rhonda's ready to bring in the right-hander.

Nighty-night.

Why does Diego want to get married so bad anyway?

He told you, he's fallen in love

and wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

I mean, like, now I have to apply for citizenship.

I'm a really terrible test-taker.

There's no way I'm gonna be able to memorize

all of the presidents or learn all the rules of parliament.

Uh, we don't have a parliament.

You don't have a parl... are you...

No.

There's no wigs?

No, no wigs.

Oh my god, I'm definitely gonna fail this thing.

Yeah, that's very likely.

Hello, my Polynesian princess. How's the doctor's office, baby?

Oh no. Oh no.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, ok. I love you, baby. Bye.

Is everything ok?

Yeah, everything's fine. Fine.

They're... it's just a precaution.

They're putting her on bed rest until the baby's born.

Ok.

Which means no Hawaii.

Oh.

Now I'm sitting on a fully paid non-refundable trip.

Oh, why would you make it non-refundable?

Because I'm an idiot, do you pay any attention to me at all?

My house is a very delicate ecosystem.

It barely works with two functioning parents,

now I've gotta do everything myself

for the next three months.

We're talking the shopping, we're talking the cooking...

Is this gonna be a long rant?

Medium to long, yes.

- Good. - Yes.

We're talking the dishes, we're talking the-

Laundry, bed time, bath time, trips to Payless,

then return trips to Payless 'cause your kid says the shoes

are making his ankles itch.

You hear me, Diego?

That's two trips to Payless, zero shoes.

My point is, you fall in love, you get married, you have kids,

you'll never frolic

in the turquoise clear water ever again!

Exactly.

And you love the beach.

Do you?

He does. He's a big beach guy.

Then say bye.

How do you feel about urine- filled kiddie pools, Diego?

How do you feel about that?

'Cause that's where you'll be frolicking, big boy.

Look, Victoria, I'm...

I'm sorry about your green cards.

And the last thing I ever wanted to do is cause you any problems.

But... I'm in love.

I am, too.

God help us.

No.

You had one job!

Hey.

That dog you brought in had a chip in it.

They were able to find the family.

Wait, really?

Yeah, and uh, we're all good on Rhonda.

What does that mean?

It means it's one less thing on your plate.

Oh, it wasn't on my plate.

Wait, Bettany, it wasn't on my plate.

I... I didn't have a plate.

Hi!

He ran away from the groomer,

we were afraid we'd never find him!

We were so scared.

We love you, Goosey.

Heading home, boss.

Bye.

- Um, actually, Shred? - Uh...

Hey, are you ok?

I just feel like you've been a little down lately.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm good.

It's probably just 'cause it's been so grey lately.

You know, oh Seattle.

Ah, I know, right?

Yeah, we just haven't been talking as much, I guess,

and I miss hanging out with you in the kitchen.

Really?

Yeah.

It's just weirdly not as fun to split an Oreo by myself.

I... I've just been avoiding the snack drawer,

so that's what that is.

Oh. Oh, ok.

Yeah, I think I was kind of in my head a little.

Oh, no.

Don't get in your head about me ever.

We're good. We're great. Totally.

Ok.

Coming through, real men doing real work.

Watch your six.

That's, like, a lot of dog food.

That's, like, all the dog food.

I missed you.

Well, I've been here. Same number.

I think this is the same sweater.

Well, I know it doesn't make it any better

but I guess I kinda freaked out because I really liked you.

It's a pattern, if I'm being honest.

I guess I'm kinda a lone wolf.

That's the silly nickname I gave myself.

I know.

'Cause I hate people.

'Cause they're the worst.

They're all stupid.

They're terrible.

So dumb.

They're so annoying.

Morons.

Overrated.

I'm gonna open another bottle of wine.

Yeah.

But, like, a good one.

This last one was crappy because I was mad at you.

Ah. There's the petty Frank that I remember.

Mmm.

Ugh, it's just awful.

Go ahead.

I'm gonna open this bottle that I bought in Napa when we went.

We should go there again.

I've got some vacation days coming up.

Oh, so we're dating again?

If you're in, I'm in.

Uh, why don't you bring that bottle into the bedroom.

I usually don't allow food or drink in there

but in this case I'll make an exception.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

I opened my best bottle of wine!

Emily says I'm in her head. That's a direct quote.

I am so on her radar I actually feel kinda bad for Rick,

even though I hate him.

But you were right, Frank. Love is in the air.

I don't believe in love. I was dead wrong.

Uh-oh. The date didn't go so well?

No, it was great until she fled the scene.

Again?

She literally crawled out my four-story window.

I don't even know if she survived.

Buddy, that's terrible. But you know what this means.

Oh, that not kicking you out of the truck yesterday

was the inflection point

upon which my entire sad future turns?

It means, as your full and completely equal partner,

it is now my turn to cheer you up.

It's officially Frank's Day. What do you wanna do?

Let's drive off the next bridge we pass.

Ok, uh, do you have a second choice?

One that doesn't also kill your good buddy Shred?

Look, I know you're stressed, so...

Everything you need to know for your citizenship test.

- It's fricken' huge! - Yeah.

How is this supposed to make me less stressed?

I'll help you.

Oh, wait. You guys were in World War II?

We'll all help you.

I've never been here before.

It really is the best espresso in the city?

Yeah, but you have to order in an Italian accent.

Really?

Yeah, don't embarrass me.

Of course your job is essential.

It makes me mad that Rhonda said that.

She's had a big head ever since her aunt

was on Wheel of Fortune.

Well, I'm feeling much better since yesterday

but it's still very sweet of you to take me out.

This place really lives up to the hype, right?

Frank told me about it.

And then he threatened me if I told anyone else about it.

Great.

- That should have been my mid - morning Italian coffee date.

It should have been my kiss. I hate mating season.

I can't believe you're moaning about this again.

It's insufferable.

You can't kick me out again, Frank.

Oh, I'm not. I'm kicking myself out.

I'm out of moves.

Oh my god, is that...

What?

There!

Vermont.

Vermont!

Oh my god, it is!

That's 46! We're all tied up!

Yeah!

Woo!

Wait, we need a picture.

Oh, yeah. Let me fix my hair.

Of the car, Frank. We need proof.

Right, right, right. They're getting away!

We gotta go!

Go, go, go! This is a miracle!

Out of my way, pedestrians! We got Vermont!

Woo!