Original subtitles

[Shred] If you were a dog, what breed would you be?

[Frank] You know those hypoallergenic ones,

uh, what are they?

Oh, the ones that don't answer stupid questions.

[Dispatch] Truck 12. Please respond.

Cougar observed at residence. 425 Knoll Drive.

Homeowner is out of town.

Truck 12 responding.

There's been a lot of sightings lately.

A security camera at a dry cleaner's

got some great footage.

It's a beautiful animal. C-38. Majestic.

Poor guy's probably just hungry, you know?

This isn't some cute little kitty.

You know that right?

Last year in Spokane another cougar attacked an officer,

broke through his ribcage, and ate his lungs.

Oh, my God. Did he survive?

Without lungs? Yup. Yeah.

Finished third at the New York Marathon.

Thank God.

You know, I love stories like that.

Triumph of the human spirit. You can't keep us down, Frank.

He died, Shred.

Oh, my God.

What?

On the stairs. Right in the bushes.

You see that?

The hydrangeas or the azaleas?

I don't know. The pink ones.

Azaleas.

Oh my God.

[Frank] Hand me the tranq gun.

If he comes for us,

we're supposed to make ourselves look big.

Shh. Yeah. That's the official line.

But here's the real deal.

Cup your junk and hide behind something.

Make your whole package as inaccessible as possible.

But Frank, I... I heard they go for your neck.

Yeah, they do.

But it's not about staying alive,

it's about life being worth living if you survive.

Be careful.

I think I got a clean shot.

Unbelievable.

What?

[laughs]

What are you...

Frank? Frank? Frank? Are you crazy?

Cover up your junk.

It's a stuffed animal.

You don't know that. It might just be asleep.

Yeah. Well, when it wakes up I'd speak to it in Vietnamese

since it's probably where it was made.

They do great work.

Whoo! Okay.

Yeah, I'll make the call to dispatch.

Let 'em know it's a false alarm.

- Wait. - What?

You know what Churchill said. Never let a crisis go to waste.

Totally.

Quick refresher... uh, who is Churchill?

Relief pitcher for the Mariners.

I hear that dude's having a great season.

Look... we both know this cougar isn't real.

Right.

But nobody else does.

So, we have an opportunity to humiliate a deserving individual

and it would be wrong to pass that up.

Right?

Gentlemen.

Templeton... thank God you're here.

You're lucky I'm working graveyard this week.

Bring me up to speed.

Come here.

The predator is in those bushes.

See? Now we've shot him full of tranqs

but that is one amped-up cat.

Copy.

It takes a big man to admit when he's in over his head.

So... he's already killed a couple of dogs.

But the real concern is the elementary school

down the street.

Yeah. Breaks my heart

but, I think, we might have to euthanize.

Stand back, boys.

This is a job for Mister Remington.

Okay.

Bye-bye kitty-cat.

On my orders... fire.

You're gonna order yourself to fire, sir?

Stop questioning my authority.

Execute!

[gunshot]

[chuckling]

What?

[laughing] That was so good.

That went so much better than anyone could've hoped for.

Oh, my goodness.

[theme song]

♪

[Dolores] 'Kay. People are still not conforming

to recycling protocols.

And once again,

a half-eaten hamburger is not recyclable... Frank.

Thank you, Dolores.

Uh, Dolores... is this recyclable?

Of course.

Oh, terrific.

Yeah. You've done that joke before.

Well, when you see Elton John you want him to play Rocket Man.

Uh, Frank? Shred? Did anything happen recently

that maybe I should be brought up to speed on?

Which category?

Routine checks or events that were hilarious

and humbled a person who richly deserved it?

Templeton filed a formal complaint so now HR is involved.

Oh no... not the department you want as the arbiter of humor.

You know who's sneaky funny?

Payroll.

Look, Emily, we're really sorry you got dragged into this.

This is one of those rare occasions where our joy

is worth the suffering it causes others.

Well, I'm gonna be on the phone for the next five hours

getting you guys out of trouble.

So, I'm not demanding it,

but a large smoothie from the place that I like on the corner

would be a really thoughtful surprise.

Oh... absolutely Emily.

In fact, I'm gonna get smoothies for the entire office,

including you, Dolores.

Just a gentle reminder,

those cups need to be rinsed before they're recycled.

You bet.

Along with the 400 straws I'm bringing you.

[knocking on door]

[whispers] Again, so sorry.

No, absolutely Captain, I hear you loud and clear.

[whispering] I added the papaya extract boost.

[whispering] Thank you.

[whispering] It's an antioxidant.

I figured with all the truck exhaust

and environmental toxins...

[whispering] You know I read about that.

Do you know what else is supposed to be...

No, absolutely. I agree.

It's a very, very serious incident.

[whispering] ...is pomegranate extract.

I've been taking it, like, before breakfast

and I feel like I notice a difference in my skin.

[whispering] Yeah. You got a glow.

[whispering] Really?

[whispering] What are you doing for sun protection?

[whispering] Like, SPF 50 and, like, a big floppy hat...

No... exactly, Captain.

No, I... I spoke to the officers and it won't happen again.

[whispering] Okay. Super triple promise.

I'm leaving now. Sorry.

[whispering] Oh wait! I forgot.

I got you this morning glory muffin.

Crazy amount of fiber.

Not that you need it.

You don't come off as constipated at all.

You know I'm not a fan of Templeton but come on,

you went too far.

Since at least the bronze age, pranks have been employed

as a necessary form of workplace justice.

Look... I don't like to get grandiose.

Oh, you love to get grandiose.

That's true, I am pretty good at it.

But if jerks like Templeton go left unchecked,

they become Vladimir Putin.

So sometimes the children of light

have to employ the methods of the children of darkness.

What?

A simple thank you is all I ask.

And now... good day.

Ugh.

He's insufferable!

That dude deserves some serious karmic payback.

I don't really believe in karma.

Too many bad things happen to me when I don't have it coming.

♪

[knocking on door]

I found this in the recycling bin.

It's Frank's.

Okay, you don't know that.

It's a size 14 and it reeks of arrogance.

Can you just give me a sec?

What's with the pictures of Shred?

Uh, no... nothing.

I was... I was doing some, uh, paperwork and I...

"Shred Taylor penis"?

No! No, no, no. That's not... no.

Why were you Googling that?

No, I... I wasn't.

Well, I was looking up Shred because of,

like, professional, totally above-board reasons...

um... and I think I just, I clicked the wrong button.

Do you have a thing for him?

No.

No! No. He's my employee.

And he has a girlfriend.

And regardless of that it's... no.

His penis is frozen?

Yeah. Yeah.

Is or was, I don't know. It's unclear.

How did you even find that?

It's the third thing that pops up. Okay?

It was "Shred Taylor." "Shred Taylor Half-pipe."

"Shred Taylor Frozen Penis."

You totally have a thing for him.

No!

We've just been carpooling a lot and...

and we like the same cheesy music,

and I would never act on it, but, like... yeah.

I looked him up and it turns out,

when he was injured on the slopes,

his, um... extremities were impacted by the cold.

It's, like, a real-life condition that affects Sherpas

and ice fisherman and snowboarders.

Well...

Well what?

Does it work?

Okay. Dolores...

None of the articles say anything about that

which is crazy 'cause it's all anyone wants to know.

It's probably fine but you should stop researching it,

it's just gonna make your crush worse.

I don't want it to be fine.

That's the whole thing, if it's... if it's broken

or if it's, like, at a weird angle,

or if it's just, like, straight-up gone

then I can just let this go.

[laughing]

I'll go get my laptop. We'll get to the bottom of this.

- This is gonna be so much fun! - [Emily] Oh, boy.

[alert chiming]

Oh crap, it's still on.

What?

Maya hired a photographer

to shoot our Christmas card tonight.

And I've got boobs.

Oh, no you don't.

I was gonna lose 10 pounds before the shoot.

But then you know what happened? I didn't.

She got matching white satin shirts for the whole family.

White satin, Victoria.

Your wife's insane. Postpone it.

I think it's weird to be doing it this early anyway.

It's a competition thing with her sister.

And we're never gonna win.

They're a much more attractive family.

Oh yeah, you showed me a photo.

They're gorgeous.

Hey!

[chair clattering]

Anyone wanna volunteer for my vaccination clinic Saturday?

[overlapping] - Oh, I would love that. - Yeah, I would love to.

- That sounds great! - Yes! Absolutely.

Great, thanks.

My post-doc resident, Serge, will be covering for me.

[overlapping] - Ooh... - Did you say this Saturday?

Ooh, I've got a kid's soccer game actually.

Actually, I'm free.

Really?

Yeah. Totally.

You're my hero.

You know what, I can do it.

I have experience. I can move some stuff around.

Now you're my hero.

No. It's about the dogs, not about me.

Aww.

[laughs]

You bought that?

You just gave up your Saturday and you still have no shot.

I'm sorry. Did you get an "aww" from the Hot Vet?

Are you her hero?

Oh, and Frank...

[chair clattering]

I heard what you did to Templeton,

and I shouldn't admit this, but hilarious.

[laughs]

Thanks.

You know, it's rare when a hero is also so funny.

Am I right?

I don't think it was that funny.

[chair clattering]

Oh, shoot. False alarm.

You got me.

[Shred] I can't stop thinking about that kid.

What kid?

The kid that's gonna come home,

find his favorite stuffed animal blown to smithereens,

lying headless in the driveway.

That kid.

Look... I'm in a good mood.

Why are you trying to bring me down?

It's just... maybe we should try to replace it.

Okay. What the hell?

After lunch we'll stop by a toy store.

- Nice. - You happy?

- Yes. - Alright.

[alert chimes]

Whoa. This day just keeps getting better.

You have her under "Hot Vet"?

Yeah, I can't believe she's texting me.

Okay, I gotta... I gotta focus.

[brakes screeching]

What are you gonna say?

I don't know.

I wanna engage without coming on too strong.

Okay. Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

What do you think of this?

You nailed it.

- Send. - [laughing]

[alert chimes]

[alert chimes] [Victoria] Ha, ha! Bingo!

He's on the hook.

What'd he say?

Just "hey".

He's trying to play it down like it's no big deal

but I know that he's as giddy as a little school girl.

What are we gonna text him?

No, nothing yet. I'm gonna make him sweat.

But thank you.

Yes.

...By the way. This was a genius idea.

My wife does it all the time.

I'll leave my phone somewhere

and when she calls me,

her name comes up as "suburban sex goddess"

or "spicy mama".

[chuckling]

Or "need almond milk".

That one's just when she needs almond milk.

- No, I... I got that. - Yeah.

Anything?

Nothing. Total silence.

Three dots and a bubble, here we go!

So, she's crafting her words carefully.

- Oh, hell yeah. - Come on.

Okay, how does this sound? My thing got cancelled.

"...so, you'll be stuck with me all day Saturday."

Yes!

Dude, have some champagne chilled in the truck,

just in case.

Right? It does feel officially safe to get cocky.

Yes.

[laughs]

[Emily] Okay, there's gotta be something.

Do you have anything?

Zero. And some of the websites I stumbled onto

were not what I was thinking

and I'm scared there's gonna be a knock on my door.

Okay, this is maddening.

I cannot be the only person in the universe

who wants to know the condition of Shred Taylor's penis.

Alright. I'm gonna use Patel's computer and hit the dark web.

None of these are big enough.

Okay. She just said, "is it weird I'm texting you?

"You know, since we're coworkers".

Well, that's a good point, you know,

'cause it could get awkward.

Are you sure you wanna take it there?

I would take a lifetime of awkward

just to spend one night with her.

So, what do you think of this?

[keypad clicking]

Maybe a little.

No. Don't say that. You're gonna get in her head.

Exactly. Keep her off balance.

Why would you wanna do that?

This is a game of chess, it's a battle of wits.

No, it's more like a dance.

And I'm not saying that

just 'cause I don't know how to play chess.

Hold her hand. See where the music takes you.

I haven't been on a date in five months

so I'm not letting you get in my head.

I'm sticking with chess. I'm sending it.

- Fine. - [alert chimes]

But we're wasting our time.

I know where to get a giant stuffed animal.

Wait. They have really good puzzles here.

"Maybe a little."

What a jerk. Who even says that?

Are you listening to me?

I'm spinning out about this damn Christmas card.

I'm gonna be on refrigerators all over Seattle.

A diet inspiration for pudgy, middle-aged men.

I just find it hilarious that mister slobbering

all over himself is suddenly mister self-control.

He takes, like, 10 minutes

to craft each of his three-word replies.

I'm gonna be a white satin man boob reminder

to put down the ice cream.

I wanna help my community, yeah, but not like that.

I'm gonna tell him I had a dream about him last night.

No, that's mean. Don't do that.

Too mean or good mean?

You know what I think?

What do you think?

I don't think you're getting off on the cruelty of the prank,

I think you're just getting off.

What?

[laughs] Yeah. I think you like the flirtation.

I think you like him.

Frank? That's crazy.

Okay, then why... why are you blushing?

I'm not blushing.

I'm emotionally tormenting someone because it's fun.

Mmhmm.

I've got my flaws and I'm fine with it.

At least your flaws are on the inside.

[laughs] Right?

[Dispatch] Truck eight. Please respond.

Kangaroo escaped from the Seattle Zoo.

Zookeeper is requesting back-up. 101 East Webster.

Truck eight responding.

Okay. I'm gonna need you to focus.

Okay. I'm bringing out the big guns.

I'm gonna blow his horny little mind.

[keypad clicking]

Come on... no service?

What is it, the bumper cars are interfering?

Will you please knock these down so we can get outta here.

I'm trying, Frank.

What is going on? I thought you were an athlete.

Yeah, in a leg-based sport. This is, like, an arm sport.

There's wrist stuff...

I gotta get back into cell service.

See? It's not so easy.

Excuse me. Sir?

How much for that huge lion on the top row?

Prizes are not for sale.

Look at that, Shred.

We found the one carny with scruples.

Can you believe it?

We can... we can earn it.

Okay. Well, how about... now?

That might get you something from the second row.

Like a little badger.

But are you serious?

We need the lion, Frank.

How much for something from the top row?

Three badgers.

There's a cash machine by the funnel cakes.

Two and a half badgers!

This is extortion.

This was a very reasonable bribe.

Excuse me, guys, sorry.

Excuse me, coming through guys. Thank you.

Officer Patel, This is Officer Sands.

What's the situation?

Jumping Jack. Second time he's escaped.

Anyway, we got him trapped.

What do you need from us?

Not much.

Just stay here and help keep away the looky-loos.

- Hmm. - 'Kay.

Alright, Jack.

Don't you need, like, a net or something?

No, just grab him by the tail.

Sure.

Alright, Jack. Vacation's over, buddy.

Okay. Whoa!

[Victoria] Um...

What... what should we do?

Stand your ground. We'll sneak up from behind.

Ooh... hey mate.

Just like this?

[Victoria] G'day. Hello.

What's he doing?

Don't mess with me, kangaroo. I boxed Golden Gloves.

[kangaroo growling]

He's got a crazy look in his eye.

Keep him engaged.

Roger. I'll amp up the trash talk.

What do you weigh, 140? Huh?

Welterweight's got nothing on me, Jack.

I'm 160.

Wouldn't telling him your real weight be scarier?

Don't press on my insecurities!

He doesn't seem afraid of you.

Oh yeah? You ready to go? Huh?

'Cause I'm ready to go.

[punch lands]

Oh!

That's gotta hurt, yeah. You okay?

Keep it up, just a little longer.

Is that all you got?

[kangaroo growls]

- [thudding] - [crowd gasps]

Oh, mate. Ow, yeah. Down you go.

[Zookeeper] Okay. We got him!

- Good work, officer. - See ya, mate.

See ya.

[groaning]

How you doing down there? Yeah? You a bit winded?

[Frank] Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Oh! Finally, a signal. Three bars.

[alert chimes]

She... she wants me to come over tonight

for a quote unquote drink.

Holy moly! The Hot Vet and me!

Knight to queen four!

- What? - It's chess!

I can't believe I got my ass kicked by a kangaroo.

Hmm.

[alert chimes]

Ooh! Mrs. Claus is texting you.

Crap. I forgot about the photo shoot.

Which I no longer have to do.

Maya's not gonna want a Christmas card

with this hideous face on it.

Everything's coming up Patel.

[laughs]

[doorbell rings]

Uh... by any chance

are you someone we work with's roommate?

The Hot Vet just doesn't seem like the type

to do something like this.

Collette, Frank. Her name is Collette.

Collette the vet? That's unfortunate.

This is ridiculous. I'm just gonna call her.

[phone vibrating and chiming]

[gasps]

Yes.

Hello.

Victoria? What are you doing with Hot Vet's phone?

You tell me. You're the expert on pranks.

Oh, my God, it was you?

Sometimes the children of the light

need to use the methods of the children of darkness.

The whole time?

How does it feel?

[Frank] Bad. It feels really bad.

Yeah.

[Frank] But I gotta say, I'm a little impressed.

If I were wearing a cap, I would tip it to you.

Oh, I would love that. But did you learn anything?

Yes. That I can dish it out but I absolutely can't take it.

So, will you stop pranking people so much?

No.

But I will be more vigilant about not getting gotten myself.

And, I don't know when, it may take years...

but I will retaliate.

[Victoria] Can't wait.

Goodnight Victoria.

[giggling]

Sucka lucka.

I'm sorry, Delores,

that you became a pawn in Victoria's sick game.

Leave the bottle of wine and we'll call it even.

I don't know.

I had high hopes for this evening and I splurged.

Okay, what about one glass?

That seems fair.

I gotta say,

you are being very not horrible about all this.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Has Shred ever mentioned an unusual sports injury?

Oh, you read about the frozen penis thing

and wanna know if it still works?

There's been some discussion.

Oh, I've asked him. And it's... a-okay.

And I've seen it. In the restroom.

It's, and I don't know how else to describe it...

Gorgeous. It's pristine.

Like a renaissance artist sculpted it

and then killed himself 'cause he could do no finer work.

God, that guy just glides through life.

The universe is truly garbage.

Would it be unpleasant if I joined you for a glass?

It would not be unpleasant.

As long as you properly recycle that bottle.

Did you just make a joke?

Maybe.

I hope the kid likes it.

This is really nice of you.

No... it's not that big a deal.

- [alert chimes] - Oh.

[under her breath] No...

Okay buddy.

[to herself] Are you kidding?

[sighs]

You ready to go? You alright?

- Yeah, oh yeah. - Okay.

- Whoa! - What?

Down the street.

[Emily gasps]

[Shred] Wow.

Frank was right. It is majestic.

It's beautiful.

Um... but also super dangerous

so maybe we should get back in the car and report it.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

- We should be fast. - Oh, my God.

[Dispatch] To all units...

two off-duty officers report a cougar at 425 Knoll Drive.

Officer Dutch responding.

I am instructing the reporting officers

to take their fake cougar and shove it up their-

[bleep]

Over.

[breathing heavily]

No one can know about this.

Obviously.

This was like a one... one-and-a-half time thing.

Obviously.