Original subtitles

If you're gonna make me pick you up,

I expect coffee.

There'll be one waiting for you tomorrow.

Any other requests?

Yeah. Get your car fixed.

I'm gonna win you over, bro. It's gonna happen.

Calling me "bro" shows the depth of your miscalculation.

[Dispatch] Truck 12.

Report of a small animal in the attic at 187 South Kenzie.

Truck 12 responding.

Four play dates, a Spiderman birthday party,

two trips to urgent care... and my parents are in town.

Let's just go ahead and say that they have opinions.

How was your weekend?

- Yeah, pretty good. - Mmhmm.

I went to a club. There were definitely drugs.

I woke up naked on some boat near Whitby Island.

What about the other people on the boat?

Also naked, yeah.

Right.

[Frank] Look, it's not personal.

I'm just a lone wolf type of guy.

All last year I had no partner and it was... heaven.

And this is so much worse.

So, I guess it is personal.

- Hey. - Mmhmm.

I'm thinking of getting a puppy.

Look at her, Little Mabel.

Why would you do that?

You have all the freedom in the world.

Yeah, but I envy you sometimes.

I live alone.

It might be nice to have a dog around.

Well, I have two. You could just have one.

One of them's incontinent

for that extra feeling of agonizing responsibility.

If that's what you're looking for.

Maybe I'll just get a bird.

Get a bird. Get a bird.

[Frank] Alright. You wait here.

There's a good coffee place up the block.

Rookie always pays.

Oh. Yeah. Hazing recognized and accepted.

- So I'll take a cara... - [door slams shut]

[knocks]

What's up?

Are you coming in?

Oh yeah, for sure. It's just... just gonna be one minute.

I think my partner will be right back.

I don't have a minute.

It's my 10th anniversary and I surprised my wife with brunch

and whatever's up there is killing the mood.

Whew!

Listen, man. It's my first week.

I should really wait for backup. You know what I mean?

Come on. My wife's libido is very delicate.

Help a guy out.

Yeah, so my name's Fred but everyone calls me Shred

'cause I used to be a professional snowboarder,

mostly half-pipe, a couple silvers at Nationals.

And then I tore my ACL.

How long is this gonna take?

Not long at all.

If I had to guess...

it's probably just a sweet little guy who...

[hissing]

[screams]

[thud]

My eye! Your walkie went into my eye!

- I'm sorry, it's just... - [groaning]

The teeth, it's like a tiny... furry vampire.

I underestimated...

- [squeaking] - [both scream]

[screaming]

Under... under the ottoman.

Okay. Everyone stay calm.

I got this.

It's okay weasel... or whatever you are.

We're gonna take you to the coolest park in the city

and these people are gonna celebrate.

Dude! Dude!

[chitter sounds]

Bad choice.

[gasps]

What do we do?

Oh, little buddy.

I got this.

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, come on!

- Go, go! Right here! - [woman continues to scream]

We're not catching a break here.

[man] Ohhhh! It's under the stuffed couch!

You gotta be kidding me.

Okay. Don't worry. I got this. I got it.

- [chitters] - [woman gasps]

On a scale of 1 to 10,

how would you rate our service today?

[theme song]

♪

I made muffins.

Uh-oh. You want something.

What? No. Do you guys think I do that?

Like I only bake when I want something?

Aw, these muffs are fresh out of the oven.

This is gonna be horrible.

No!

Yeah, I feel bad but I need volunteers

to clean the kennels this weekend.

There are nine dogs at Giardia.

Whoever does it's gonna need one of those counselors

they send to mass shooting scenes.

I nominate Frank given the weasel debacle.

He's the senior officer.

Yeah. Frank, I just got an earful from the superintendent.

I was getting coffee.

I'm guilty of negligence, not incompetence.

It's a lower crime.

Came to gloat about the weasel barbecue.

[all groans]

You're here to enjoy my misfortune,

which is a taunt, not a gloat.

Always an education when you talk to Frank.

You're a rube. Do you know what that is?

Rumor is, couple filed a complaint

that'll require damage control.

I'm offering my services, Emily, 'cause I know you get

a little nervous and sweaty in high-stress situations.

Uh, no, no.

I have everything under control, Templeton.

Well, when you don't, I'll come back to gloat.

Did I get that right, Frank?

No, that was a threat.

Ah... whatever. Word nerd.

Okay.

I'm gonna go change into a shirt

that's dark enough to hide my nervous pit stains.

And right away I'm gonna go ahead and apologize

for sharing that information.

[clears throat]

Muffins... are over here.

Why's that guy so mean to Emily?

He works at a rival precinct, and he's gunning for her job.

Yeah, she's not really suited to a leadership position,

but we have to make sure she doesn't get fired

'cause she's really nice.

And she's easy to manipulate which is why we're

the only precinct with a top-of-the-line Panini Press.

[bread crunching]

Mmm. Spectacular.

We got written up in Bon Appetit.

Okay, here's a novel idea.

Try standing closer to the toilet and actually aiming

so the pee goes in the bowl and not on the floor.

That's a terrible idea for a novel.

[laughing]

I will be instituting a key system.

So if you have to pee, you come see Dee,

there'll be a sign-in sheet on my desk.

Not gonna do that.

Frank! Frank!

Frank!

Listen, I'll talk to Emily and take the heat

for the weasel thing.

Okay? I'll clean the kennels, it's only right.

That would be stupid of you.

It's what partners do, right?

Look, I'm gonna be up front. My plan is to get rid of you.

And with the way bureaucracy works,

it'll take about six months to fill your seat.

So that's gonna be all lone wolfy time.

[howls like a wolf]

[dogs barking]

Hey, we talked about the howling!

Sorry Emily. How's that espresso machine coming?

Oh, yeah. I ordered it.

Oh, you are the best!

[whispers] It's coming from Milan.

You don't fool me, Frank.

Underneath that crusty exterior is a soft, chewy center.

Mmm... no.

Yeah. He's not that kinda cookie, kid.

What do you mean?

Look, and you didn't hear this from us,

Frank used to be a cop but then he uncovered some corruption,

and instead of cleaning it up, they fired him.

Whoa. That's heavy.

[phone vibrating]

Greenview Meadow Preschool.

Oh, God in heaven, no.

There's no way this isn't something awful.

Hello? Yeah.

Danny won't poop in school again.

He's like me, he gets nervous at away games.

Aww, poor sausage.

Yeah, go ahead and put him on.

Hey buddy, it's okay, listen.

Just like we do at home, okay?

♪ I know what to do...

♪ when I'm about to poo...

♪ I go to the potty,

♪ pull my underwear down...

[all sing in unison] ♪ And I sit and wait...

♪ I sit and wait...

♪ I sit and wait until the poop falls down. ♪

♪ Then I wipe and wipe, 'till brown leaves town, ♪

♪ I put it in the potty and I flush it down. ♪

Whooo!

Banger!

Wow, sounds like you had quite a bit.

I'm proud of you, my little soldier.

Way to go, Danny!

Okay. Alright. Bye.

Hi.

I could use some help getting a mastiff on the table.

- No problem. - Yes! I'll... I'll help.

Absolutely.

Hey... you're Shred, right?

Hey. Oh yeah, hi. Nice to meet you.

Are you the, um... hot vet?

No, we say that behind her back.

Yeah.

Oh God, I'm so sorry if that came off disrespectful.

I'll retract it and say you're in no way hot.

[laughing]

Doctor Summers.

I don't wanna embarrass you but I'm a huge winter sports fan

and I saw you at the X Games in Whistler.

- 2019. - Yeah.

Against The Goose.

- Oh, so good! - She's a fan.

[Hot Vet] You did that backside right in front of me.

She's a fan.

They've been replaying it on ESPN Classics.

Every time I watch it, I think I'm not gonna stick the landing

and then I do...

and it kinda blows my mind all over again.

So good.

Anyway, sorry. You needed help with something?

Uh, yeah that'd be great. Come on.

Yeah. Sure. Yeah.

No. No. He does not get to just sashay in here

and have sex with someone

we've all been trying to nail for years.

Yeah, he has to get in line and wait like everybody else.

Low rent Shawn White.

Yo. Delores...

I need the key.

Name and time.

[phone ringing]

Connie Lingus?

Real mature!

[Frank] You know what Mark Twain said?

I'm not 100 percent on who Mark Twain is.

That's a whole other conversation now.

He said if you pick up a starving dog

and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.

This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Is this about the hot vet?

Yeah, of course it's about the hot vet.

I've been laying the groundwork for years.

Do you know how many vaccination clinics I've volunteered for?

A lot of vaccination clinics.

I've eradicated entire diseases in pursuit of that woman.

But dude, I'm not, like, a threat.

I have a girlfriend.

She's a snowboarder, she's from Spain

and if you'd asked me even one question you'd know that.

I'm not gonna lie, that's a bit of a relief.

Yeah, and if I was gonna dip my toe into the work pool,

it wouldn't be the hot vet.

Well, not Victoria. I got dibs there too.

No. Emily. The boss lady.

She's just so clumsy and uncomfortable in her own body.

I guess I just dig an awkward chick.

This is a texture I didn't know you had.

You see, this partnership... it's blossoming.

Oh, and I Googled wolves. They run in packs.

Well, except the lone ones.

Otherwise they would just be wolves.

And you had to Google that?

There's no shame in admitting gaps in knowledge.

Unrelated but also interesting...

did you know snails can have sex with themselves?

[Dispatch] Truck 12, neighbor complaint.

Unlicensed ostrich farm. 360 North Harding.

Truck 12 responding.

Ostriches. I love this job.

[knocking]

Hi, I'm Emily Price from animal con-

Wow, that is worse than I thought.

[clears throat]

I brought muffins.

Hey.

Officers on the scene with loaded snausages.

[laughing sarcastically]

Never gets old, Tom. What have we got here?

Waiting for the coroner.

The guy's been dead three days and no one knew it.

His dog never left his side.

We'll find him a good home.

Three days. Can you imagine?

Three days without anybody knowing where I was.

[dog whining]

I'd kill for that.

Hey. Hey, it's gonna be okay.

Charlie. He's so cute!

Whoa. Those are some tall birds.

Yeah, and their eyes are bigger than their brains,

so you should feel right at home.

Your ribbing feels affectionate.

And I know you're going for more emotional distance.

Hey, your shirt's sticking out. Let me fix it.

There you go, now you look respectable.

Look at you taking care of your partner.

Bonding alert. Calling all units.

Alright, calm down.

Ma'am, hi. City of Seattle Animal Control.

Is it alright if we enter?

Make sure to close the gate.

Did my stupid neighbor call you?

What's going on here?

You making belts or selling their meat?

I sell the eggs at the Farmer's Market.

Well, you're gonna need a license

from the Zoning Commission.

Uh... these guys like me.

Everyone likes you, Shred.

Should I be concerned?

Well, that's really up to you.

They are violent and strong and have famously bad temperaments.

Oh, and as you can see they're really fast.

So I would kick it up a gear if I were you.

In the meantime, I'll just be writing this citation.

[Shred] It's bad, Frank! They won't stop.

It's starting to feel extremely targeted!

Yeah. Well, they either see you as a food source or a potential mate.

Either way, I would just let nature take its course.

[Shred] They're relentless!

But don't worry, I'm getting all of it.

[Shred yelling in the distance]

Look at 'em move.

These muffins are delicious. You have to give me the recipe.

Oh, I will.

And you know what? They're healthy too.

Everyone in my office has some kind of allergy

so I can never bake anything fun.

[laughing]

Look, we agree.

We don't wanna turn this into a big legal thing.

Great. Great.

And... and you have my word,

the City will pay for everything.

Okay.

If you'll just excuse me, I'm just gonna let somebody know.

[phone chiming]

[electronic voice] Emily said they're not going to sue

and sent a pile of poop emoji... and a middle finger emoji.

Whatever.

Alright... I won't take up anymore of your time.

Thank you both.

You didn't use sesame oil in these, did you?

You know what, I did.

I find it just gives it, like, a little tang.

[laughs]

Oh God.

I'll get the EpiPen.

Thank you.

Wait, wait... what's happening?

[raspy] Call 911.

Right now?

No! Oh, no!

[Shred] Knock it off.

This is not fun for me. This is not fun.

[woman] I've never seen them like this.

Little help here, Frank.

Man, they must, uh... smell something on your clothes.

What kinda detergent do you use?

Tide liquid pods. They get out anything.

Maybe lose the shirt?

Oh, oh yeah.

[Frank] That is pretty disrespectful to the uniform.

But you gotta do what you gotta do.

Hmm. It's gotta be the pants.

- The pants. - [Frank] Yeah.

[ostriches chirping]

This is the weirdest strip show I've ever seen.

And I've seen a number of them.

[ostriches chirping]

Is that your beef stick?

In my defense, uh, I didn't think it would work that well.

Uncool, bro. Really Uncool!

And I'm sorry to raise my voice right now

but I'm pretty high up in this tree

and you crossed a line, brother!

They could've taken my penis, Frank!

Yeah, but they didn't and that's what makes it funny.

Dude, I know that the police department screwed you over

and people let you down but to learn nothing from that

except to be a jerk, that just makes you a douche, dude.

You're missing all the nuance.

I'm a douche for a lot of complicated reasons.

Dude, I blew out my knee three months before the Olympics.

But I didn't let it make me hate the world.

We all have a choice in life and I chose to stay positive.

Well, that just makes me question your judgment.

Well you'll be proud to know

I'm feeling pretty negative right now, Frank!

You have a ticket for 600 bucks, by the way.

- Can I pay you in eggs? - No.

[knocking on door]

[Emily] Yeah, come in.

I'd like to request a transfer.

My senior officer, by word and action,

has made it clear that he doesn't want me around.

Despite the rumors, I'm not a people person.

Really? Are you sure?

I'd have to move you to central

and Templeton has the only free truck.

Yes.

You heard the man.

Templeton. You'd really do that to Shred?

He'll be fine.

He'll be happy in literally any situation.

Which is the very trait that makes him challenging for me.

Well, what if you viewed it as a growth opportunity?

I'm not looking for growth.

If growth wants me bad enough, it knows where to find me.

Yeah. Alone in your apartment.

Where I am so content.

Now... can I interest you in a chicken pesto panini?

I wanna say no, but yeah.

Your heart is black

but you know how to make a really good sandwich.

You guys making sandwiches?

Oh!

♪

Hello? Who's there?

It's Shred. I forgot my coat, so...

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry how everything worked out.

I love Frank

but sometimes he can just be too much like... Frank.

Yeah.

I really thought I was gonna be able to crack him, you know?

What are you still doing here?

Oh, we have a pet adoption coming up

so I was just gonna get these flyers out.

Cool.

You know, the thing about snowboarding is

it's a solo sport.

Mmhmm.

Like, when you're on the mountain

it's just you all alone.

When I got injured nobody found me for two hours.

What, so the Saint Bernard thing is a myth?

I'm the wrong guy to ask.

I still sorta believe in Santa Claus.

[laughing]

What?

Oh.

Do you need a hand?

Um... yeah.

Sorry. Thanks. I can just be a little clumsy.

I know.

You know, honestly...

I don't know that I'm cut out for this job.

I mean, I sent that poor guy to the hospital today.

Yeah, but I almost burned down his house

and sent him to the hospital, so...

That's true. [laughing]

Oh, I'm gonna miss seeing you around the precinct everyday.

Yeah, me too.

Um... but you know now that,

I mean, I'm not gonna be your boss...

[phone vibrating]

Like, we wouldn't...

Sorry. Sorry. It's my girlfriend.

Oh, my God. Ah...

- I should get this. - Yeah, yes.

Hey babe. I heard you got powder.

What do you think, Charlie? You like your new home?

Yeah?

[phone chiming]

Hang on.

♪ And I wipe and I wipe 'till the brown leaves town ♪

♪ Put it in the potty and flush it down. ♪

♪ Bye bye poo.

[TV announcer] Shred Taylor needs an 88 to get to on the podium.

No way.

[TV announcer] Here is another look at his backside rodeo 540.

Will it be enough to medal? And here comes the score...

Oh! 87.3. Ugh, man, that is heartbreaking.

Shred Taylor finishes fourth.

Look at this kid. You'd never know he lost.

Gotta love him.

[chuckles]

[doorbell]

I'm not ready for a dog. I need you to take Charlie.

[dog whining]

No, no. I have my own two dogs. I'm fine.

Oh my God, he's so cute!

Oh, do you want him? You guys love him.

You can have him.

No, we're not taking the dog. We don't need the dog.

Also... I can't take care of this.

I don't need this. I already have lots of plants.

I don't need more plants.

No, don't go. No, stop that dance.

Come back.

[children giggling]

[child] You're so cute.

Some dopey looking guy call for an Uber?

I knew you'd show up... partner.

No, you didn't.

And I'm getting rid of you as soon as a decent rig opens up.

I hope you know that.

If I didn't know you were coming,

how come I got us coffee?

'Cause you were gonna brownnose Templeton.

Whatever you need to tell yourself, Frank.

But I always knew you were a pack animal.

Yesterday you didn't even know what a pack animal was.

Oh! I also didn't know that a newborn kangaroo

is the size of a lima bean. - Okay.

Templeton.

You didn't tell him you were picking me up?

Nah. It was a game-time decision.

How would you feel about mooning him?

Very good.

But this will be two days in a row

you've negotiated my pants off.

Hmm.

♪

So you really filmed the whole Templeton thing?

Yes, I did.

[cheering and applause]

- To hell with Templeton! - Nice touch.

Good to have you back.

Good to be back, boss.

Holden Weiner? Really guys?

It's actually Wy-ner. I get that all the time.

I'm gonna need a signature for the package.

I think it's an espresso machine.

Ooh! I'll take care of that.

Thank you Mister Weiner. Thank you so much.

Wyner.

[gasps]

I think she sprung for the milk foamer.

Emily, you are the best!

I'm getting a wine fridge next.