Original subtitles

And thanks to a simple, inexpensive test performed in his doctor's office,

crossing guard Bob Buford is alive today and able to hug those precious

grandchildren of his.

Jim? Thank you, Corky. That was most informative.

Makes me think perhaps I should take a trip to the doctor myself.

Really, Jim? Are you experiencing any tenderness or swelling?

Well, I... Do you find yourself getting up a lot in the middle of the night? Oh,

I really don't think... Are you experiencing any discomfort when you,

do your business?

Thank you, Corky.

Coming up in his first ever televised interview, billionaire and media mogul

Duncan Briggs speaks to our own Murphy Brown. We'll be back in a moment.

And we're into commercial.

I liked it better when she did stories about puppies and pie -eating contests.

So where the hell is Briggs, I swear, if he decided to pull out of this thing?

Now, don't worry, Murphy. He's here.

How do you know? Did you see him yourself?

No, I sensed a disturbance in the forest.

So am I, Scott. He's in makeup.

I can't wait to get a look at him. I hear he's one of the handsomest

billionaires in the world.

Then again, the only other billionaires I know are Ross Perot and Bill Gates, so

he still might be one big old geek.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, as a billionaire, he's gorgeous.

As a millionaire, he'd be pretty cute.

But even if you were flat broke, he'd still be worth a tumble in the backseat

my Aerostar.

I'll let you explain, Mr. Briggs.

We'll be, uh... Right over here.

Oh, by the way, if you're looking for a CEO for one of your companies, this

stage manager thing is just sort of a part -time gig.

I don't know about CEO, but didn't the foreman of our plutonium factory get

vaporized last week?

Send us a resume.

Mr. Briggs, welcome to FYI. I'm Kate Carter -Shepley, executive producer.

And this is Murphy Brown, of course. Hi. Nice to finally meet you. Thank you for

agreeing to this interview. Well, I didn't have much choice, did I? You made

such a pest of yourself, my entire board of directors are afraid to answer their

telephones. And Williams here cried himself to sleep like a tiny baby,

you, Williams?

I'm emotional that way, sir.

30 seconds, people.

My jersey right there. Oh, okay. Now, look, I'm new to this game, so how does

work? Oh, well, it's pretty basic, really. I'll ask you a few questions.

spill your guts out, say things you'll regret. We'll have a good time.

You really think you're going to get me to say things I don't want to?

Hmm. Are you okay to make a small wage on that? Like, say, a dollar?

Have we got a dollar?

I could go to the bank, sir.

All right.

Places, people.

We're back in five, four, three, two.

Welcome back. With me is Duncan Briggs. If you use a computer, watch television,

go to the movies, then you have helped to make this notoriously private

entrepreneur one of the wealthiest and most powerful men in the world today.

Mr. Briggs, welcome.

Thank you, Murphy, but your introduction makes our little company sound so

sinister. The truth is we simply stumbled into a growing market at just

right time. Is that so? Oh, absolutely.

If you look at it, we are just a mom -and -pop operation.

Uh -huh.

If mom and pop were bloodthirsty corporate raiders whose pastime was

Fortune 500 companies and sucking them dry.

Oh, so you've met my parents.

All right, let's get down to it.

Rumor has it that your company is planning a series of hostile takeovers

would make you one of the largest suppliers of fiber optic cable to

China. Oh, I don't think Americans...

I'm particularly entertained by some boring business deal.

Besides, any comment at this juncture could mean the loss of millions of

for my shareholders.

Aren't you the majority shareholder? Now you see my concern.

But look here, I didn't come here to talk about some alleged takeover. I came

here to talk about something really, truly newsworthy.

Something that could affect the lives of hundreds of thousands of people every

year. I'm referring, of course, to... Rumors of layoffs in your American

semiconductor factories. No, I'm talking about the world's first virtual reality

theme park.

Oh, well, that's very interesting. It's currently under construction in

Minnesota, and it's going to be totally unlike anything anybody has ever seen

before. Let me tell you something about the amazing... ...through space to the

farthest reaches of the galaxy.

When in reality, they're having the quarters sucked out of their pockets and

watching an overblown version of Donkey Kong.

But I don't think we'll be putting that in our brochure.

Let's get back to the takeover. Is it or is it not going to happen?

You're not going to let up on that, are you? Nope, not until I get an answer.

All right, fine.

I'll answer your question if you answer mine.

All right, whatever.

Now, what's the answer?

The answer is yes.

That takeover is in the works. Well, it was until I answered that question.

Really? So then that would mean that... My turn.

All right, what's your question?

Will you marry me?

What? Will you marry me?

Oh, ha -ha, that's very funny.

Anyway, about those... You haven't given me an answer.

Marry you.

Well, actually, I was saving myself for a trillionaire.

Give me a couple of months.

Well, I would love to continue this discussion, but we're out of time.

Duncan, thank you for joining us, and back to you, Jim.

Thank you, Murphy. From all of us here at FYI, good night.

And we're clear.

You were right, Murphy. That was really fun. And you will think about my

question, won't you? Oh, you bet.

Oh, look, I've got to be getting off to China.

Think of it.

There's over a billion of them.

They all want their MTV.

Right, Williams?

They may be a sleeping giant, but they do love their beavers and butthead.

For the record, Slugger, I just want you to know that I was totally opposed to

all this tomfoolery. Thank you, Jim.

It was my idea to get you these monogrammed towels.

M -B -B?

Murphy Brown Briggs. Get it? Your married name?

Oh,

no one gets my humor.

Well, you're all chipping in for thee.

So, Murph, what are you going to be doing about this Briggs proposal?

you know, I'm a little strapped for cash, and I was... Maybe borrowing a

hundred million, you know, just to tide me over until Tuesday.

Yeah, Murphy, maybe you should reconsider.

After all, it's not every day you get a marriage proposal from a billionaire.

Heck, at your age, if you got a proposal from that window washer who always

smells like salami, I'd tell you to start picking out a china pattern.

And here I was thinking no one could top Jim's side -splitting monogram towel

bit. Why don't you leave the jokes to the masters of the genre like me and

Duncan Briggs? Did I show you what he had someone deliver to my house by limo

this morning?

The guy's a stick. Oh, my God. Look at this ring.

Do you think those are real diamonds?

Well, of course they're not real.

Actually, Murphy, they are.

In fact...

I'd say you've got a total of 8 .3 carats here consisting of six stones

from VS to BVS in clarity.

Ideal cut, origin, South Africa.

It's a hobby.

So you're saying that this is real?

Are you sure it doesn't squirt or anything?

I don't think this is a gag.

If it is, it's an awfully expensive one.

Well, yeah, I mean, he's a billionaire. It's billionaire humor.

I don't know, like leaving a flaming bag of foie gras on someone's doorstep or

something.

Hi, sorry I'm late. I've been fielding calls about last night's show. All dying

to know if Murphy's going to marry Brig.

Oh, no, don't tell me you bought into this whole thing, too.

Look, all I know is this guy's made himself vulnerable.

And if you're going to turn down his proposal, you have to realize you're

to break his spirit, destroy his will to live, just rip his heart out and stomp

all over it. So please, if you're going to do all of that, then please, please

do it live on next week's show.

I tell you, it's going to be bigger than Ruth.

Look, you people have got this all wrong. This marriage proposal thing

serious. It's a joke.

Excuse me, Ms. Brown.

Hey, Williams, you want to hear something funny? My friends here think

is serious about this whole proposal. Isn't that the funniest thing you ever

heard? So listen, oh, tell him, too, that the ring gag is a classic, really.

if he wants to get my goat, there's this little Greek island I've had my eye on.

Mr. Briggs is quite serious, and please don't touch me again.

Oh, I get it. This is part of the joke. It's like a prank. The guy's really a

cutoff, isn't he? I'm afraid not.

I'm not the person Mr. Briggs sends out on pranks, and it actually hurts because

I happen to be a very funny guy.

What are you saying, that your boss really wants to marry me?

Yes, go figure.

Anyway, may I have your answer, please?

My answer?

Well, I mean, if the question is, do I want to have dinner or go to see a

or does he want to take me in his private jet to Florence for a cup of

sure, I'd love to, but to marry him, no. I mean, I don't even know the guy.

I understand that. I brought you this video biography.

Please take ten minutes and view it in your office.

I'm not going to do that. Is he crazy?

Yes, he's crazy.

He's crazy about you.

He also happens to be a very busy guy with no time for movies or dinners.

In any event, may I please have your answer? I've got a number of other deals

close for Mr. Briggs this morning. Wait a minute. Is that how he sees me? As a

business deal? As an acquisition to his portfolio?

Well, you can tell your boss. You can just forget it.

So, the answer is no?

Yes, that's right. The answer is no.

Well, thank you very much, Ms. Brown. You've been very kind, and you may keep

the ring.

Oh, really?

No. I told you I was a funny guy.

Hey, Murph.

Hey, Frank.

So tell me, any more gifts from that billionaire boyfriend of yours?

Well, I got a free sample of hair conditioner in the mail, so either he's

up or he's pulling way, way back.

So you haven't heard from him at all, huh?

No, and why would I? Well, it's a little flunky that I'm not some trophy that

Briggs could put on his mantle.

Well, you definitely did the right thing, but I mean, come on, you've got

admit, you're at least a little tempted, right?

What? No! Oh, come on. A proposal from a billionaire?

Don't tell me you didn't at least think about marrying the guy. I mean, heck,

even I thought about marrying him.

Great. Then go for it, Frank. Maybe you can get him on the rebound.

No, no, no.

You're wrong. It's just that $1 billion.

That is a lot of money. I mean, I can't even comprehend how much that is. Can

you? I don't know. It's a lot. Come on.

Let's try to visualize it. Wait a minute.

Okay, right. Here's a dollar, right?

Now, if we had a billion of these, and we stacked them one on top of each

how high do you think that would be?

Let's see, that is probably, what, let's say $100 in an inch, huh?

So, let's see, how many inches are there in a mile?

Well, let's see, that's 5 ,280 feet. All right, Frank, what's your point?

It's a lot.

It's a lot? I mean, so what for all the good it's doing belonging to a jerk like

Briggs? Look, he definitely handled that whole proposal thing all wrong. But I

mean, how bad can a guy be? I mean, look, he's building a children's

He supports the arts.

He's a sponsor for a literacy program.

And he's donated, what, $5 million to protect endangered species? It was $10

million.

And he's kind of cute.

Kind of cute? He's cute as a button.

What did you call him, Murph? What did he say?

Oh, I don't know.

What's to know? Just call the guy.

Why are you pushing?

I'm not pushing. Me pushing?

I just want to see you happy.

Here, use my cell phone.

Is that a new Rolex?

Oh, no, no. This is just some $10 knockoff I got from somebody on the

Really? Let me see it.

Okay.

I don't know why you want to see some crappy old watch.

Yeah, you're right. This is pretty crappy. I bet this thing would fall

the drop of a hat.

Well,

I don't believe this.

How bad can he be? Why don't you give him a call? You sold me out, you little

weasel, and for a watch. Now, that's not true.

He also promised me I'd be featured in TV Guide. What?

Hi, guys.

What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on.

Frank just pulled me out to Briggs. That's what's going on.

Really? I'm appalled.

Yeah, tell me. He's actually trying to get me to reconsider.

I understand what you're saying, Murphy.

Although, how bad could the guy really be?

Indeed. Perhaps we should give him a call.

Here, why don't you use Frank's cell phone?

Look at that.

Look at those new cufflinks, Jim.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I've never seen that pearl necklace before.

Oh, this old thing?

Grammy Sherwood gave it to me. She stopped wearing it because it threw her

balance. She kept telling me, head first over walker.

Wire, wire, wire.

All right, fine.

But in our defense, we only said we'd put in a good word.

We never told him we'd push you into getting married.

Although, should you decide to tie the knot, he did say there's a cream

Bentley in it for me. Really?

Mine's going to be pink.

Murphy, so there you are.

How's it going? Have my minions worked their magic?

I've got to tell you, Briggs, you are a real piece of work. Did you actually

think you could win me over by buying me expensive jewelry and bribing my

friends? No, I thought jewelry alone would have done the trick.

I guess I ought to apologize.

It's clear that I've been rushing this whole thing, and I can see that makes

uncomfortable. So let me be totally honest with you.

While I met you at FYI, I saw, for the first time, a woman who approaches life

the same way I do.

A woman who's passionate, outspoken, fearless, a soulmate.

But I suppose in my excitement of making you part of my life, I maybe went a

little fast.

And for that, well, I'm truly sorry.

Well, that may be the first genuine thing I've heard you say since we met.

You liked it, huh?

So, do you want to get hitched? Oh, Greg, I don't even know you. Didn't you

watch the video, too?

I did, Briggs, and I found it very inspirational. Shut up, Frank. I told

Briggs, I am not marrying you. Okay, look, I understand.

Obviously, there's somebody else. I'll just step aside.

No, there is no one else.

Then what's the damn deal? I'm a billionaire.

I'm not for sale.

Goodbye, Briggs.

Look, you just throw a few jet skis my way, I think I could change your mind.

Williams, just hand over the watch.

Kay said you wanted to lead with your story on tomorrow night's show, but I

think my Russian mafia piece would make a much more timely opener.

Well, gee, Frank, I guess if you feel that strongly about it, there's nothing

can do.

Except, you know, offer you this free watch.

It's not as expensive as the watches you usually sell out for, but look, it has

that cool indigo thing.

Man, look, how many times do I have to say it? I'm sorry, and I promise I will

never let my greed and ego get away from me again.

Frank, the new TV guys just came in. Really? Am I in a... Ah,

here it is.

Frank Fontana.

Not just a pretty face.

He's also a pretty rotten reporter.

What the hell is this?

You're right, fat stabber. Oh, man, you know, I don't believe this. Murphy dumps

the guy, he takes it out on me?

Hey, Kate, Kate, did you see what Briggs did to me?

Yeah, but he's doing some bad things, too.

What are you talking about, kid? Well, for openers, his network is going to

start counter -programming the bejesus out of FYI beginning next week.

What? Oh, come on, guys. We can't let this rattle us.

FYI's beaten everything they've thrown against us in the last 20 years. How

special could this be? Well, you know ER. You know the Super Bowl.

It'll sort of be a combination of those two with a special appearance by

Madonna. What? A material girl?

Stan, what are you doing here?

Well, I have some good news and I have some bad news.

Murphy, you know how you always said you like to try working for another

network? What? I never said that.

Well, then I only have bad news.

I sold your contract to Duncan Briggs.

What? You can't do that.

I had to. Briggs was playing hardball. Have you seen the new TV guide?

Yeah. Did you see the article they did about me, Stan?

But this is serious.

Have you seen the listings of our network?

No. Exactly. The rich freak yanked them out. You know what this means?

We are not listed in TV Guide.

We might as well change the slogan of our network from Welcome Home to Where

Hell Are We?

This is nuts, and it can't be legal. I'm not working for Briggs.

And you don't have to.

I thought this through.

You'll take Briggs to court.

Sure, it'll take years for the case to get settled, and you'll be enjoined from

working for anybody else in the meantime.

What? You could get lucky and end up with a judge who can't be bought by a

billionaire.

Stan, I'm not going to put up with this. This is wrong. I mean ruining Murphy's

life. Sure, that's just good, clean fun.

But you can't take her off the show. FYI needs her.

Well, I've had it. I'm going to deal with Fridge right now. Good idea. I'm

with her.

What a week!

First, we lose Murphy.

Then FYI has to go up against that ER Super Bowl special Madonna thing.

And then Fontana here gets voted as TV's most invisible journalist by

Entertainment Weekly.

What? Oh, man, I didn't know Briggs owned Entertainment Weekly, too. He

From the producer of Shrek and Shrek.

The final papers on the fiber optic dealer at the printers. The campaign to

exact revenge on Murphy Brown has begun.

Your pants are back from the dry cleaners. Wait, what?

The dry cleaners. No, before that, Matthew Brown.

Ah, yes, her contract has been bought, and we're expecting her to respond

shortly. All right, Briggs. Nice work, William. Sometimes I surprise even

myself, sir. Let me guess.

I've worn your defenses down, I've gotten you to see the light, and you are

finally ready to become my bride after all.

All right, you listen to me and listen good. I am not leaving FYI, I am not

working for your network, and I am not... I repeat, not going to marry you

Have you got that?

I see.

Well, all right.

I understand why I went wrong now.

Pestering you, threatening you, buying out your contract.

Why did I think any of that would win your heart?

Well, it's about time. I should have just offered you cash.

You know how much it's going to take, Matthew?

What?

This is crazy.

You're just wasting your time.

Are those all thousands?

All right, stop it.

Stop it now.

This is all wrong. She'd only be marrying you for your money, and that

works. Believe me, I've done it, and it was a disaster. I fail to see what

bearing is that. I'm not finished. Let me tell you what I think, Briggs. I

you are a pathetic little child who thinks he can buy and sell people.

Well, Murphy Brown will never marry you, and all your billions will never change

that. Yeah. You mean that's it?

It's all over? It's all over.

Wow.

Well, I guess I'd just better accept it. Murphy Brown will never marry me.

How about you? Do you want to get hitched?

Okay. Great.

What? You just told me what a disaster it was to marry for money. Are you

Yeah, I've never married for this much money. Maybe that was the problem.

Could I get a bag for this? Oh, you bet.

Say, you can't marry him.

I'll have this money in my Cayman Islands account for within ten miles of

altar. Ready, Kay?

It is Kay, right?

Kay, Sherry, Susie, Bambi, Brandy, Tammy, Tiffany, whatever you like to

Is it just me, or is the sexual tension in here so thick you could cut it with a

knife?

Come on, Kay, tell us. You and Briggs, how was it?

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

So he made you give everything back?

Afraid so. How was it?

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

So he made you give everything back?

Afraid so.

Wow. Didn't let you keep a ring or some money?

Nothing? Well, there was one little thing I was able to sneak out.

Hello, madam.

I've done your grocery shopping, dropped off your film, and now I'm headed home

to hand launder your fine washable.

Just make sure dinner's on the table by seven, and I mean seven.

Yes, madam.

Will someone please shoot me?