Original subtitles

And that's our report for this evening.

From all of us here at FYI, good night.

All right, this is where credits will roll.

Now I need everyone to look boldly into the future.

Murphy, we're gazing into the future. Care to join us?

And we're out.

Perfect. This is going to look great when we do it on the air. No, it's not,

because we're never going to do this on the air. I want our desk back. I agree.

I came onto this show with my mission to fix FYI, so over the last seven months,

I've spent a lot of time exploring how to make the show better. I've watched

tapes, I've used focus groups, I've done hours and hours of research. And from

all that, you've concluded our problem is too much furniture?

No, it's not just the furniture.

I plan to make a number of changes to the set.

Like what?

Like moving it to Los Angeles.

Los Angeles?

Moving it to Los Angeles?

Now, I know it seems radical, but FYI, I need some new life injected into it,

and L .A. is the perfect place. It's got youth, it's got vibrancy, it's got

David Schwimmer, and I think he's dreaming.

Yes, well, I do think that Angie Dickinson is a hot tomato, but that

mean I'm going to move to La La Land with those long -haired beatniks and

alfalfa sprouts and wine coolers. Just right.

out of touch, but he's right.

Oh, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I've mentioned my idea to Stan, and he

seems very receptive.

Oh, come on. Trust me, guys. This moving to L .A. thing, not going to happen.

Oh, you can fight me all you want, but eventually I'll win.

In fact, according to my calculation of the 72 disagreements that you and I have

had, I have won all but one.

No, wait.

That's an eyelash.

All right, Kay, listen up. We are not moving to L .A., and I'll do everything

have to to stop you. Oh, gee willikers, I'm scared.

Look, why don't we skip the tedious fighting and move right to the part

you shout things at my back like, this isn't over, and I'll get you, Kay Carter

Shepley. Well, this isn't over, and I will get you, Kay Carter Shepley.

Yeah. You have to face it. She always wins.

Might as well get used to it. We're moving to L .A. I paid up Alpha Sprout.

a minute. What are you guys saying? That you don't think I can stop her from

moving us to L .A.? Well, face it. You've tried everything in the book, and

always ends up one step ahead of you. Well, not this time. This time it's

to be different. This time I'm going to appeal to a power that's even higher and

mightier than this Kay Carter Sheffley.

Right this way.

You know, we don't ordinarily allow outsiders into our monastery.

Well, like I told you, this is very important.

Yes, of course.

You have a visitor, brother.

Hello.

Why, Miss Brown, I never expected to see you again.

Are you kidding? What made you think I'd stay away from you, my dear, dear

friend Andrew?

Well, for starters, all the letters I sent you came back marked, Address the

deceased.

That's wacky postal service.

So how you doing?

Well, after my breakdown, I spent the next three months in the ventilation

system of your building.

More water, my little ficus friend.

Anyway, eventually security apprehended me, and Uncle Stan brought me here.

Ah.

Hello, petunias. I leave you. Get it? I leave you.

What the hell did you do to him? When he joined our brotherhood, young Andrew

was a troubled spirit, but we have taught him to find peace and contentment

within himself.

Here you are, Brother Fern.

One, two, more.

All right, but don't tell the succulents.

You see?

Oh, yeah.

Master Han, would you mind letting Andrew and I talk privately for a few

minutes? Certainly.

All right, drop the nature boy act. I'll bust you out of here and then we'll go

destroy caves.

Destroy? Oh, no, Miss Brown.

I don't want to destroy anyone. I love all living things.

Like this caterpillar here.

Hello, Fuzzy.

He likes to have his nose scritched.

Scritch, scritch, scritch.

Would you like to scritch him?

Uh, no. If my caterpillar smells other caterpillars on me, he gets jealous.

Oh, well.

Um, look, Andrew, I'm sure Master Han is very wise, but is this what you really

want? Maybe it's the old Andrew.

But the old Andrew was mean and hateful.

Everyone despised him. Oh, no, we didn't despise you. We admired your moxie.

Please understand, I feel no hostility toward anyone.

No one? Not even Kay?

Nope.

Even though she tricked you?

Lied to you? Made a fool of you?

She did do that, didn't she?

Oh, well.

That's all behind me now.

That's a nice attitude, especially since I'll bet not a day goes by that Kay

doesn't gloat about having beaten you, but good.

He probably does do that, doesn't he?

Whatever makes her happy.

Oh, it does make her happy. Not quite as happy as having stolen the executive

producer job at FYI.

A job that was rightfully yours.

But if that doesn't bother you, just keep on mulching.

Miss Brown, if I have learned anything from Master Han, it is that nothing good

can ever come from anger, hatred, or violence.

On the other hand, Master Han probably has no idea how good it feels to kick a

little ass.

Come on. Buzzy, we've got a job to do.

All right, for those of you who doubted me, and let's see, that would be

everybody, Operation Stop K is in full swing.

I thought you said Operation Stop K was called off when the police found out

that photo of her was a fake.

No, that was Operation Get K. This is Operation Stop K. Oh, so that gigantic

water balloon you ordered finally arrived.

No, that was Operation Drench K. This is Operation Stop K, where we stop K from

moving the show to L .A. So what's the plan?

Hoist an anvil to the top of the building and drop it on her? Or would

Operation Squish K?

All right, I deserve that. But believe me, once you guys see what I've got up

sleeve, you'll be singing a very different tune. Yeah, right, Martha.

different tune.

Here's my plan. I've hired Andrew as my assistant so that he can help us with

our cave problem. Isn't that great?

Welcome back.

Well, it is wonderful to be back here with all my friends, Gorky, Jim, Frank.

Wait, would it be all right if I made a personal phone call, Miss Brown? Sure,

Andrew. Thank you.

Come on, Fuzzy.

You've lost your mind? What the hell do you think you're doing bringing that

maniac back here?

Well, it's really very simple.

I get Kay to trust Andrew, and then Andrew sabotages Kay's proposal from the

inside. The show stays here, and everything goes back to normal.

Yes, normal, except for the sun turning black and the rivers turning to blood.

All right, I know how this looks, but believe me, I've got everything under

control. You know, Mark, I don't know what's scarier, the fact that you

Andrew back into our lives or that you think it's a good idea.

Did I say good idea? I mean great idea. Glad to have you back here, Andrew.

Yeah, glad.

Well,

Andrew, what do you say we start putting our plan into action? Oh, it's already

started, Ms. Brown. In fact, Ms. Carter Shepley should be arriving in exactly

three, two, one.

Does anybody know how to use these damn computers?

Well, GK, why don't you get your assistant to show you how to use it? I

but she's gone.

And it was the oddest thing. She just answered the phone, let out an unearthly

howl, and bolted from the room, waving her little crucifix in front of her.

Well, that's a shame, you know, considering all the work you have to do

big proposal to move us to L .A.

Here's your tea, Miss Brown.

Darjeeling, just the way you like it. With a dollop of organic honey and a

of tangy, homegrown lemon.

I picked it myself.

Wait a minute, isn't that Lansing's nephew, the nut who lived in the vent

three months?

Now, T .K., that's the difference between you and me. You look at Andrew

a guy who lived in the vent for three months, and I look at Andrew and see a

who's been out of the vent for almost four.

All right, Miss Brown, I revised your appointment calendar and transcribed the

tapes of the whitewater hearings from 1993 to the present. Oh, and during my

lunch break, I calculated and electronically filed your income tax

Ooh, what with the damage.

Damage? Let's just say someone's in for a pretty big refund.

Isn't it great to have an assistant to cater to your every need?

That's right, your assistant ran out.

Well, them's the break. See you later.

Andrew, do you have a minute?

Well, actually, no.

I'm off to detail Miss Brown's car.

Andrew, let me ask you a question.

Are you happy working for Murphy?

Oh, yes.

She is the moon and the stars. She is the warming sun and the life -giving

She is everything that is good and pure and beautiful in this world.

Okay.

Let me ask you another question.

Don't you think that someone with your skills could be something more than just

a mere assistant?

Like, oh, I don't know, an executive assistant?

Executive assistant?

I like the way that sounds. Say it again, Miss Carter -Shepley.

Executive assistant.

Say it one more time, slow.

Executive assistant.

So you'll come work with me?

Yes. No.

I mean, I don't know.

Oh, what should I do? What should I do? What should I do?

I'll give you an extra buck fifty an hour.

I am your eternal slave.

Hey, hey, hey, Andrew, what do you think you're doing?

Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Brown, but I belong to Miss Carter Sheffley now.

Well, Andrew, how could you? After all we've been through together.

Please don't make this any harder than it already is.

I bet you go.

I'll get you for this, Kay Carter Shipley. This isn't over.

You're right, Murphy, it isn't over.

73.

Now it's over.

One.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Ever since Andrew started working for Kay, it's been one indignity after

another. monitored phone calls, surprise trunk checks, and now this, security

badges. Yeah, Murphy, thanks to you, this place is being run like a police

station. Oh, lighten up, you do. It's not as bad as all that.

Hey, guys, I had... Excuse me, sir.

Would you please empty your pockets?

But listen, I thought we had... Look here, sir. We can either do this the

way or the hard way.

Thanks a lot, Murph.

All right, but everyone just relax.

Okay, sure, maybe Andrew improvised a few changes we haven't discussed, but

just doing whatever it takes to win Kay's confidence.

All rise for Miss Kay Carter -Shepley.

Gather round, everyone. Miss Carter -Shepley wishes to address you.

Thank you, Andrew. Listen, everyone, there have been some important

developments. To start, FYI, we'll not be relocating to Los Angeles.

Oh, really? Great!

Yes. Andrew had a better idea.

Really, Corky? Frank Jim, did you hear that? Andrew had a better idea.

Yep, we're going to send you all to separate cities. You won't be ashamed of

that. Andrew, what do you think you're doing? This wasn't part of the plan.

Plan? What plan? I don't know about any plan.

Really, she's quite mad.

Please, Kate, you've got to reconsider. Yeah, Kate, you can't possibly think

this is a good idea.

Well, to tell you the truth, I didn't at first, but Andrew did some market

research on the idea, tested through the roof.

Now, Andrew, why don't you tell them where they'll be going?

Well, Miss Brown, from now on, you'll be reporting from Denver, the mile -high

city. Corky, we're sending you to Chicago, the windy city.

Jim, you'll be in Detroit, the motor city. And Frank, you'll be in Anchorage,

the very, very, very cold city.

I don't...

believe this. Kay, we have to talk. Really? Andrew's crazy.

I mean, his best friend in all the world is a caterpillar. I don't care what you

say. That's not normal.

Hello, F1. Holy crap, he's free.

This is impossible.

They told me that place was escape -proof.

No, Stan, it's okay. You're next. He was working for me now, and he's doing a

great job.

In fact, he was indispensable in helping me prepare that proposal I sent to you.

Are you kidding?

Andrew helped you with that? That was brilliant.

What?

FYI across America, it sings to me.

But the idea I really love was of Kay shuttling back and forth among the four

you. What?

Talk about dynamic.

Executive producer on the move.

No, no, no, no. That was not part of my proposal.

Oh, well, I guess your computer just came up with that brilliant idea all by

itself. Computers don't do that.

They don't, do they?

No, they don't, but someone else must have put that in there.

It must have been... Andrew.

Who? Me.

You did it? You put together all those numbers and graphics and pie charts?

It was genius.

My boy, the time you spent at that loony bin really did you some good.

It was a monastery, Uncle Stan.

Yeah, sure it was.

No, no, wait, wait. This is not going to work. If I'm shuttling back and forth

between cities, who's going to oversee things here in Washington?

Oh, I hadn't thought about that.

I hadn't either.

Hmm.

I'll volunteer to fill that position.

Ooh, good idea!

No, bad idea. Andrew, it's crazy.

Andrew, are you crazy? Me? Crazy?

Good enough for me!

Come on, my boy, let's get it on!

For every... All right, Andrew, we need to talk.

Well, well, well.

Look, Fuzzy.

If it isn't my two favorite underlings, Miss Brown and Miss Carter Shipley. Or

should I say Murphy and Kay? Because that's what you do with underlings. You

call them by their first names.

You listen to me, you little pinch -nosed parasite. This has gone far

No, it hasn't, Miss Brown.

Murphy. Murph.

This is just the beginning.

What are you talking about?

I don't care about running FYI. It was all part of my plan to... Would you shut

the door?

It was all part of my plan to take over the network and then... Yeah, we know,

and then the world.

Actually, I was going to say retire, but take over the world.

You really don't want to do this, Andrew.

Oh, no, I do. I really, really do.

We don't think so.

And you know what?

There's someone else who agrees with us.

Hello, Brother Andrew.

Mr. Hahn.

I've heard some disturbing things about what you've been doing since you left

us. What?

What kind of things?

Terrible things.

Terrible, awful things.

I'm extremely disappointed in you, Brother Andrew.

I thought you learned that material things are meaningless and true grief

only be found within.

You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. I just became consumed with

becoming the head of this network.

Well, that's all behind you now.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

I'll be much happier now tending my plants than coming up with mindless

entertainment.

Like the idea I had for a sitcom starring a bunch of fun -loving Buddhist

In a monastery.

Oh, well, what a ridiculous idea.

Yeah, that's a stinker. Oh, well, thanks for coming. Don't forget to write. Now,

just a minute, Miss Brown. I'll have you know that there are many funny things

that happen within a monastery. Am I right, Brother Andrew?

Absolutely. Why, I never cease to be amused by the antics of Brother Chum.

Wait till I tell you what he did yesterday at breakfast. He was telling

story about the rice farmer's daughter and the traveling acolyte.

I tell you, I laughed so hard, gruel came out my nose.

Well, there's the first episode right there.

You think so?

It was a wonderful idea while it lasted.

But now, it's time to go back to our simple monastic life.

Uh, perhaps we should not be so hasty. I tell you what.

I'll go back to the monastery, knock off a few pages, shoot it down to you, and

see if anything sparks.

Well, any monk can. You can.

Andrew's inner peace.

Well, that's the great thing about reincarnation.

There's always a next time, babe.

Well, anything else you two would like to say before I ship you off to the ends

of the earth?

Ha! You think you have us beat? You don't have us beat. That's right. You

have us beat because... Murphy, why don't you tell him why he doesn't have

beat?

Um, well, you know, because, uh... What are you doing? What?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, I get it. You don't want me near your little friend Frizzy. Fuzzy. His

is Fuzzy.

Fuzzy, Fuzzy, Fuzzy!

And I don't care.

You're worried. You're worried I might do something to him. Me? Worried? I'm

worried. I'm not worried at all. In fact, I've never fed a cobra in all my

Good. Then I guess you won't mind if my friend here reaches in and grabs the

little fella.

Or if I start squeezing Fuzzy very, very slowly.

Okay, okay, I give.

Leave him alone. Just leave Fuzzy alone.

Do you hear me?

What the hell is going on? I got screaming. I got moans running through

halls. Andrew decided to resign, Stan.

What? You can't resign.

This whole plan for FYI came out of your oddly shaped head.

I can't do it without you.

You can't? Well, then I guess I'll have to...

All right! All right!

Uncle Stan, the plan's a fraud. I faked all the research.

But I don't understand.

There were all those graphics and numbers and pie charts in color.

You can't fake that!

Well, I did.

I knew the show would be a failure, you'd get blamed, and then I'd come in

take over the network.

You'd what?

All right, I'm calling this whole thing off.

FYI is staying just the way it is, and you're going back to the loony bin.

It was a monastery.

Yeah, sure it was.

Can I have my butt back?

Thank you, Stan. I think you did the smart thing.

Don't mention it. And another thing.

Put back... Back the FYI anchor desk.

I hate that they all stand around.

It looks like they're waiting for a bus to take them to a better network.

All right, Stan.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I am putting my foot down. I'm not moving

to Anchorage, and that is that.

Relax, Fontana. Andrew already convinced me to call the whole thing off.

Really?

That's great.

Wow. Well, I really owe you one, buddy. Way to go.

Now, the prayer beads will come down this conveyor belt. I want you to put

onto these strings.

Now, you have strung prayer beads before, have you not?

What? Have we strung prayer beads before?

He wants to know if we've strung prayer beads before.

Oh, yeah.

We're bead stringerizer type guys.

From way back. Way back. All right. Let's do it.

You're a genius, Han. I'm giving you a 44 -episode commitment.

We are going to kick Seinfeld.