Original subtitles

Oh, geez, here comes Kay. It's not bad enough she torments us at the office.

She's got to ruin our lunch, too. No, no, slugger. We can be bigger than that.

say we open our hearts and befriend a fellow human being who's undoubtedly in

need of comfort and companionship. I don't think she'd see that. Really? Then

keep your head down.

Sit down. Hello,

Murphy. Hey, what a surprise. Why, Murphy, look, it's Kay.

here for lunch?

Maybe there's an empty bar stool or you could eat standing up. They say it's

good for the digestion.

No, Murphy, where are your manners? Why don't you join us? Oh, that's very nice

of you, Jim, but I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

No, I'll just sit over there alone with no one to interrupt the flow of my dark,

lonely thoughts.

Thoughts of regret and heartache and loneliness.

Hello, darkness, my old friend.

Well, sit down and put a sock in it.

Would you look at this? He ruined it.

Totally ruined it.

Well, now, Corby, I've told you you shouldn't let Miles wear your pink

Not Miles. I'm talking about that jerk of a dry cleaner on the corner.

He said I brought it in like this. Yeah, right.

Oh, I stopped going to that crook ages ago. Why, do you know he once shrunk a

pair of my trousers and actually claimed my legs had grown?

Told me I had a glandular problem and that I'd die a naked, oversized freak

within the month.

That creep ripped me off. I'm going to get him to pay for this if it's the last

thing I do.

Are you going to throw that away? Because if you are, my cousin Lola might

able to wear it. Oh, no, wait. No, no. It was her other arm that got caught in

the milking machine.

Hi, guys.

Sorry I'm late, but Dana's out of town.

Danny's chemistry teacher wanted to speak to me.

Oh, geez, Frank. What did your girlfriend's delinquent son do this

Oh, hey, listen. This time it was definitely not his fault. I mean, come

He's just a kid.

A kid who blew up the principal's Volvo.

Wow. I gotta tell you, Frank, that kid sounds totally out of control.

I know, but Dana doesn't know what to do with him, and what can I do? He shows

me no respect.

I'll tell you the solution, Frank. Military school. The discipline will do

world of good.

The hit school record? I don't think so, Jim. Oh. How about the army?

He can't join the army. He's only 17.

Oh, hell, prison, then. The point is...

entering to a uniform in a building that locks up at night.

You know, Frank, whenever my sisters and I started acting up, all my daddy had

to do was start taking off his belt, and he straightened up real quick.

Of course, one day he switched at the fenders, and from then on we just ran

amok.

Wow. A belt, huh?

Whenever I misbehaved, my father would use the paddle.

Wow. He'd actually swat you with a paddle?

No, Papa was a steamboat captain.

He'd strap me to the wheel, and all day long it was...

Of course it was a paddle.

Well, I don't believe in any of those methods. I mean, look at me. I wasn't

disciplined as a child, and I turned out just fine.

Oh, shut up.

Sorry to interrupt, Ms. Carter -Shepard. Here's the to -go order you called in.

Wow, thank you, Phil Jr.

Wait a minute, hold on.

You made this whole guilt trip on us, got us to beg you to sit at our table,

you'd already phoned in a take -out order?

Yeah, what are you going to do, pat on me?

I don't think Danny's problems are going to be solved by a belt or a paddle or

prison, although a little time in the hole wouldn't kill him. You know, I

what Danny needs is a little structure in his life. Why don't you get him a

Really? You think?

Oh, yeah. There's nothing like a job to teach a teenager the lessons of hard

work, responsibility, and sacrifice.

So what kind of job did you have, Murphy?

Hmm?

Well, um, my father hired me to monitor social and political events as they were

broadcast. You just watched television, didn't you?

Well, at least I didn't blow up a Volvo.

I'm going to do it. I am going to get Danny a job. There you go, Frank. That's

the spirit. I am going to call Kay right now and tell her to give Danny a job at

FYI. Whoa, FYI? Wait a minute. When I said get him a job, I didn't mean at

I meant at a place more suitable for him. A place with guards. Yeah, guards.

With stakes on top. A big pointy one.

No, at FYI, I'll be perfect. That way I can keep an eye on him, and who knows,

when he sees how well -respected I am, it just might change the way he looks at

me.

Hey, if that doesn't work out, you can always get them that cushy TV -watching

job that you had. I didn't just watch TV. I was also responsible for

a number of popular snack foods for their taste and texture and... Oh, shut

What in places is going on here? There isn't a stapler to be had anywhere.

Oh, Danny starts work today, so Kay locked up everything that could be

sold, or fashioned into weapons.

You mean that little hooligan is starting today?

And I have all this cash on me.

I've got to hide it. But where?

I know. My shoe.

You guys are getting a little out of hand. He's just a troubled teen. A kid

coming to us for help.

How can we expect him to trust us if we don't trust him?

Okay, Ms. Brown. I'm here to install the double deadbolt on your door.

My door?

I don't remember how long ago I called that in. It says here 9 -15 this

Just drill the hole, smart guy.

Look, I'm really sorry. I promise you I'll keep an eye on him.

So, Danny, Danny, are you sure that you were nowhere near that candy machine

that was broken into down in the lobby?

You calling me a liar?

A liar? No. Did you think I was calling you a liar? I wasn't calling you a liar.

Why would I call you a liar? Hey, guys. Guys, here he is. It's Danny.

Of course, did you remember Murphy in there? And here's Corky. Hi. And there's

Jim.

Oh, Jim, take it.

Take it away.

Jim, so,

Danny, this is where you're going to be working. Yeah? So what am

I going to be doing? Well, you're going to be what we call a runner.

I'm familiar with that. So what am I running, numbers?

Guns? No, Danny, this is a television show. Oh, drugs.

No, Danny, you're going to be running mostly errands. You see, you'll be

up lunches, getting videotapes, going down to the archives. I do. You mean the

kind of running where I get stuff from people. Yeah, that kind of running. I

don't like that kind of running.

I see our new little helper has arrived.

Yes, and he is really excited to be here, aren't you, Danny?

See that? Excited.

Danny, why don't you go get acquainted with your new co -workers?

Frank and I have some business to discuss.

Now, I took the liberty of drawing up our little agreement for your signature.

As discussed, I'll be taking over your far more convenient parking spot.

You'll be washing my car every Friday.

What's that thing in the small print?

Oh, nothing. Just a clause that says if I ever need any organs donated, they'll

take them from you.

Uh -huh.

You mean after I'm dead?

Whatever.

Let's go swap parking spaces.

Well, well, if it isn't my dry cleaner. He must have gotten my attorney's

letter. This ought to be good.

Ms. Sherwood, I got your attorney's letter. Oh, really? I didn't know he was

sending one.

Yeah, well, he did, and he made me realize I got a lot of explaining to do.

here goes.

You see this robe?

It belongs to Chief Justice Rehnquist. I ripped it to shreds.

These stains on Attorney General Janet Reno's tennis tods.

Completely my fault.

Senator Alphonse D 'Amato's favorite pair of Tweety Bird pajamas.

I mangled the crap out of them.

So if you think I give a rat's ass about a little fluffy pink sweater that

belongs to the likes of you, all I can say is, eat my shorts.

Or should I say, Newt Gingrich's shorts.

See you, toots.

Pay the lady.

What? You heard me. Pay the lady.

And what are you going to do to me if I don't?

Well, uh... That's about a hundred

dollars' sweat, right?

Eighty. I bought it on sale. Eighty? A bargain.

Take a hundred.

Take a compliment. Take a picture.

Be a friend.

Eighty.

Anyone want a candy bar?

So, uh, you're sure it's no problem? Oh, yeah, no problem at all. Good. Hey,

hey, hey, hey, time's up. I'll get Danny. Oh, no, wait a minute. I'm the

executive producer. If I want to use Danny, I should have first dibbed.

it, Kay. He's mine. Wow, this is amazing. You know, I was actually

this might not work out, but Danny, it seemed to be fitting in just fine. Yeah,

I haven't felt this wanted since I left my fingerprints at that crime scene.

Can you believe I was ever that young?

Anyway, what could be so fun?

Oh, did you hear that?

I have to thank each and every one of you. You know, by giving Danny good,

honest work to do, you are making him see what it is like to be a responsible

member of society.

But here I am. I'm just going on and on. You've got work to do, don't you? Just

go ahead, Danny. Go ahead. Okay.

So quirky about that thing you wanted me to take care of. That's all right,

Danny. We can just talk about it later. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Right

after lunch, I'm going to go tell your car wash guy that he cannot break off

your antenna and get away with it.

So I thought I'd, you know, explain to him what a trip to the carnauba wax

machine could do to the human body.

Okay, about that chiropractor overcharging. Oh, no, no, it's not. But

say I gave him an adjustment he'd never forget.

All right, you know what I mean?

And, Jim, I forgot to tell you about that shoeshine guy.

What? Oh, you didn't want me to tip his little shackle? Great, now I get it.

Hold it!

These are the things you've been doing all week? This is what they've been

you for? Yeah. Isn't it great? I'm getting paid for all the stuff I used to

away for free.

Murph, do you have any idea what's going on here? They are using Danny to

intimidate people to get exactly what they want. Can you believe that, Murph?

Really? You don't say. Has anyone seen the Sweet and Low? And it's certainly

helping Danny, and he's being rewarded for his old ways. Isn't that right,

Murph? Uh -huh. I know I saw something.

You see, Mr. Murphy understands.

You people ought to be ashamed of yourself.

That's right, ashamed of yourself. I don't know how I can have tea without

and low.

For the record, Frank, you know I would never ask that boy to actually tip the

shack over.

I only meant to let it be known.

Oh, hang it all. I'm sorry, Frank. I don't know what got into me.

Years of bad shoe shines, I suppose.

Hey, Murph, I just wanted to thank you for what you said out there.

Well, it had to be said, Frank. Half the office uses sweet and low.

No, no, I meant about Danny. You are the only one who understands what's best

for him.

Oh, that.

Well, what can I say? If I get to my giving nature, I see a person in need, I

instinctively reach out.

That's great.

So do you think you can watch him for me tonight?

What? Oh, no.

Oh, come on, Murph. Somebody's got to keep him out of trouble, and I can't

him with me. I'm doing an undercover stakeout for my drug lord story, and

way too dangerous.

For who? The drug lord?

Frank, I can't. I've got to fly to Atlantic City tomorrow for an interview,

I have to... Wait, it's all set. Got to run. The crew's waiting.

Don't touch that.

What is this, a volleyball trophy?

It's called an Emmy. Really?

Is it worth anything?

All right, look, just sit there and don't touch anything.

Or better yet, why don't you just lie on the floor and put your hands behind

your head?

Murphy, I just got off the phone with your source in Atlantic City. They can't

do the interview tomorrow.

What? Oh, no.

It's okay. They can do it tonight. Tonight? I can't do it tonight. I have

babysit Danny tonight.

Well, far be it for me to prevent you from earning your $1 .25 an hour. I

I'll have to get the interview to Corky. You can't do that. I set this up months

ago. Well, it's tonight or never.

Oh, all right. I'll do it. Good. I'll go book the crew.

Great. Now what am I going to do with you?

Atlantic City. Sounds cool. I'll come with you. Oh, yeah. I'm taking you to

Atlantic City? I don't think so.

That's cool. I'll just wait here in your office.

I'm sure I'll find some way to amuse myself.

Come on.

Give me that.

There's a buzzer.

I want you to stay here while I go upstairs and do my interview. This

only take about an hour. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm this close to three

booze and trashy cocktail waitresses, and you want me to wait in a coffee

Oh, look, I'm sorry I have to do this, but I've got no choice.

This doesn't have to be boring.

It doesn't? Oh, no.

All you have to do is use your imagination.

Pretend you're not in a coffee shop.

Make believe you're in ancient Egypt, and you're Pharaoh, ruler of all you

Pharaoh? He's like the king, right? Yeah.

Wow, so I guess that would mean if I'm Pharaoh, I could have anything I want.

Anything you want.

Okay, Pharaoh wants free booze and trashy cocktails.

All right, pretend this. You're you, you're in a boring coffee shop, and your

butt doesn't leave this chair.

Can you step in the corner so I can call Frank to let him know I'm okay? Oh, all

right.

You sure you don't want me to come with you?

We're in Atlantic City. You'll probably meet mob guys, right? I might know some

of them. If you get in the jam, you might be one.

Thanks, but I can take care of myself.

Wow.

guts and beauty?

You know, if I were 40 years old, right? Shut up.

Okay,

Danny, I'm all done. We can go now.

Danny?

Uh, excuse me, has anyone been arrested here in the last hour?

Okay, you at the end of the table. You want a nine, right?

Let's see it.

My nine.

in the coffee shop.

Well, I did. I sat there, just like you said, but then I heard someone call my

name. Wait, there it is again.

What's that?

You want an 11?

An 11?

I'm like a god to these people. Yeah, they look like religious types. Come on,

don't think this is what Frank had in mind when he told me to keep an eye on

you. Let's go. Yeah, hang on. Let me make one more roll, then I'll catch you.

No, no more rolls.

Are those all yours?

How did you do that? Hey, you can make a lot from a quarter if you know what

you're doing.

Yeah, anyway, come on, let's go.

How much money would you say you have there?

Oh, well, let's see. The green ones are 25, the blacks are 100, so that would

mean I have, uh... Well, you better do the math. I get sort of lost after 15

,000.

You made all this in an hour?

Yeah, I'm a little off tonight.

Anyway, like you said, we should go. We wouldn't want to miss our plane. Yeah.

Unless you want to give it a shot.

No, I couldn't. I've never done it. You're kidding. You've never shot crap?

Of all the vices I've had, and believe me, I once had a lemon fledge on the

rocks, turning dice is what I missed.

Well, a first -time gambler is always good luck.

Oh, look.

Here's a chip.

What do you say? One you can't hurt?

Oh, all right. Just one. Then we gotta go.

So where do I put it?

Come on, Danny boy. Let's see.

Okay,

hot stuff. Bring it on home. Bring it on home. Six or eight? Six or eight?

Eight.

Hi, Danny. Now, what we don't want to see is that ugly little number between

and eight, all right?

Spread out, Slim. You're crowding it here.

What the hell is going on here?

Tough break, kid. Tough break. But you'll bounce back.

I don't believe it. Do you know what I had to go through to hunt you two down?

Do you know how worried I was? Now I find you doing this?

Frank, I know how this looks, and I know that you wanted me to keep Danny out of

trouble.

Why? I don't know what to say.

Except look how much money we won!

Um, all right, Barney, color me up, whatever that means.

Excuse me.

I need to see some ID.

That's very flattering, but I'm over 21, although not by much.

You and your billboards don't lie. You really do make people feel special.

I'm not yours.

Excuse me, his.

He's the one who's been playing.

No problem. You want ID? Yeah.

Thank you, Dr.

Yamaguchi.

You know, you look incredibly well -preserved for a guy who's three years

than me.

That's my dad.

I don't believe this. How could you do this? You took a 17 -year -old gambling.

Hold on now, Frank. I didn't take a 17 -year -old gambling.

I just found him gambling and let him keep doing it.

Wait a minute. Did you say 17?

I'm sorry to hear that. I guess we're going to have to keep our money.

It's not your money. It's our money. I'm afraid not.

The kid was the original veteran. He's underage.

So like I said, it's all money.

Let's go.

All right, I just want to ask you one thing. If you didn't think he was 21,

didn't you card him when he started playing?

What do you think?

He might have lost.

Could you pass the ketchup, Dr.

Yamaguchi?

So I picked the wrong fake ID.

You know, that thing works like a charm when you're picking up chicks at the

free clinic. Oh, yeah?

Well, it didn't work tonight, did it? We were rich.

Rich, I tell you, now we've got nothing.

I still have a quarter.

Is that the quarter I gave you? I want it back.

Oh, this quarter? No, no, no, this is not your quarter. No, no, I lifted this

one off some old broad at the slots when she bent over to change her oxygen

tank.

All right, you two, just cut it out. Give me the quarter.

No. I said give me the quarter.

Okay, all right, jeez, what got into him?

I'll tell you what got into me. I'm tired, and I don't appreciate the fact

I had to hunt you two down in the middle of the night because you're both too

irresponsible to know the difference between right and wrong.

Yeah, we're going to have to work on that. Well, the bear's cadaver. Sit

I'm not done.

Danny, I don't know what to do with you.

I've tried to be understanding.

I've tried to be your friend.

I even put my reputation on the line to get you a job, and this is how you repay

me. Hey, it wasn't my idea to come to Atlantic City. Oh, sure. Blame me. You.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Using Danny to make money?

Yeah, she did that, didn't she?

You know, everywhere I go, I'm a victim.

Either of you.

You know what?

I love your mother. I'm trying to be a good parent to you, but you're making it

impossible.

And you?

You're supposed to be my best friend, but every time I come to you for

I get nothing.

Well, thanks so much.

Thanks a lot.

He's right, you know. You have been sort of a no -good punk.

Yeah.

And you were definitely not there for him.

want to go first?

No, what the hell?

Listen, Frank.

Dad.

Frank.

I want you to have this. It's my fake ID. I'm not going to need it anymore.

Really? Wow.

Look, Danny, I'm sorry I had to come down on you. I didn't want to.

Yeah, well, the truth is, after tonight, I...

Well, you know, I kind of... I kind of respect you.

Because I finally put my foot down and read you the riot. No, no, I didn't

really hear any of that.

I mean, because you have a friend like Murphy. Anyone that hangs with trouble

like her can't be all bad.

I'll take that.

I want to apologize, too, Frank.

Next time you turn to me for support, I'll be there.

Wow.

I think you two really see where you went wrong.

No, we do.

Yeah, we really do.

Well. Next time I throw the dice. You've got that right.

Hey, Murph. Here's that tape you wanted.

Oh, thanks, Frank.

Oh, wait a second, Frank.

Huh?

What's up?

Nice try.