Original subtitles

FYI, I'd like you to meet my new lady friend, Amber, star of the upcoming

-to -video release, Dungeon of Blood 3.

I get to play a guy with a rake.

So, Sam, what can we do for you?

Amber has her very own, very special, and very important charity.

What the hell is the name of the charity?

The International Center for the Support of Alternative Dance.

Well, alternative dance. That sounds like a worthy cause.

Yeah, she thought it sounded a little better than home for all strippers.

And because I know most of the gals, they are proclaiming me the man of the

at a swanky dinner Saturday night.

What's the dress code, Stan? Would that be a black tie or tassel?

No sexist pig.

Apologize to her.

Okay, Stan, what else can we do for you?

I have to have one of you wordsmiths introduce me. You know, say what a great

humanitarian I am and how I devoted years and years of my life for hookers

everywhere. Whatever.

That sounds great, Stan, and I agree with you. I think Kay would be an

choice. Wait a minute. I don't know anything about stripping, and I'm no

public speaking.

Oh, come on. Kay, I'll bet you're a great public speaker, and I'm sure if

spent a couple of minutes with Amber, she would tell you everything she knows.

Maybe you don't even take that long.

Oh, Murphy, you are so transparent.

Don't you think I see this is part of that petty little feud you're having

Kay? Yeah, well... Still, it's a heck of an idea. Kay, you're my worst friend.

I'll have you fill in the details. Let's go.

Kay,

she just gives and gives and gives.

Well, since we have a lot of work to do, let's get to it.

Our first order of business should be this memo about our operating budget.

I believe I speak for all of us when I say... John!

Jim's having a stroke!

I knew this day would come!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Isn't that the raven -haired receptionist from the fourth

floor? I didn't notice. Anyway, to answer your question, Kay, yes. Kay

here, Jim. Good. Well, that certainly gives all of us a lot to think about.

sirree -ba.

Oh, it's just a crash!

That is so adorable!

Oh, please, Corky, a crutch. I assure you, I believe it is the sacred cause of

journalists everywhere to protect the people of this great nation.

Well, hello.

What brings you to our floor? I mean, besides the elevator.

Actually, I'm just filling in for a few days, so it looks like we'll be working

side by side for a while.

Really? Well, then, see you around the bullpen.

Besides the elevator, I just got it. That's so funny.

Now, that's enough.

Yeah, now, come on. Jim's right. Let's get back to work. Now, if I remember

correctly, Jim had just made the point of... If you're all finished, perhaps we

can go on with the story meeting? No.

I believe it's my opinion. All right, Don Juan. She signed for the package,

I'll be on your way.

Go on.

Shoot. Shoot.

I have a good mind to call security on you. Jim, can I see you in my office for

a second?

Okay, Jim, look, it's pretty obvious you have a thing for the raven -haired

receptionist. I most certainly do not.

Well, I admit she has a certain... She's rather... That is to say...

Oh, nerds, I think she's the bee's knees.

So, um, are you going to ask her out?

Murphy, I'm a married man.

Oh. Sure, Doris and I are separated, and I understand that she has been dating

for the past few months, and we've agreed that there's absolutely no chance

whatsoever of us ever reconciling, but still... Oh, come on, Jim. Just ask the

woman out. Oh, it's not that easy, slugger.

Truth is, I haven't been on a date with anyone but Doris for the last 40 years.

I don't know how the game is played anymore.

Well, let's just say the bases are still where they used to be.

I'm sorry, but I just can't.

I find that...

things need to take their own course in life.

Perhaps one day, we'll both be waiting for the elevator and we'll strike up a

conversation. Then perhaps on another day, we'll both find ourselves in the

coffee shop and we'll talk some more.

Then perhaps we'll be suggested that we have lunch someday.

Perhaps over that lunch, another lunch will be suggested.

And after that... After that, you'll both be dead, Jim!

If you don't want to do it... I'll ask her for you. You'll do no such thing.

Come on, I'm just going to go in and talk. No, you won't.

That's the last I want to hear about it.

All right.

Slugger, you are not going over to her as soon as I leave the room.

She'll leave a little credit.

Really?

Who is... Oh, I think I know who you mean.

I'm not sure he's my type.

Why not?

First of all, he's crazy about you. Plus, he's handsome, charming, very

intelligent. Really?

a charity dinner this Saturday night and he'd really like to take you. So what

do you say?

Well, great. He'll be thrilled.

Look, I know.

So I would love to go with you Saturday night.

How about pick me up around six o 'clock?

Uh, sure.

Talk to the raven -haired receptionist about you. You what? I don't believe it.

I specifically told you not to.

Okay, but she sounded interested.

Really? What did she say?

Well, it seems she's agreed to be escorted to Lansing's dinner this

night by a certain FYI anchorman.

Oh, Murphy, I don't know how to thank you.

Oh, please, Jim, you don't know how to thank me. You don't have to worry about

that. I'll just pick something out and bill you.

Oh, hi, Jim.

So, Lansing's dinner party.

Yes. I'm really looking forward to it. As am I.

Great. Well, I'll see you there, then.

Oh, wouldn't you like me to pick you up?

Oh, no, that's okay. I have a ride, Jim.

What? Oh, yes.

I see. The 90s and all.

Well, then, I'll see you there.

Sure. I'll see you there.

Chicago Hope.

Stan and Amber, hello. Where are you going, Elizondo? Well, I have an early

call tomorrow morning, so I'm heading home. You don't mind, do you?

No, I don't mind. You go. In fact, you could go all the way to Chicago and hope

I don't cancel your show.

All right.

Oh, I don't know, Corky. I'm so nervous about making this speech. Oh, then

I'll... Don't worry about it. Everyone gets hurt.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

I'm so nervous that their mouth dries up and their lips stick to their gum.

See? So nervous that they drive their moped onto the ice -covered Potomac in

desperate hope that they'll fall through. And after they do, they punch

the Good Samaritan who's pulling them to safety and screaming in his ear, I

can't live this speech. Please let me die. Please.

Why don't I go get you a drink to calm your nerves? Oh, no, no, no, thanks. I'm

not that kind of pathetic sap who thinks that you get confidence from a bottle.

You get confidence from a pill.

What's that?

An herbal extract. I got these from this old kind of hunchback crazy shaman with

a watery eye and a plate in his head.

You want one?

Maybe later.

Oh, there you are, slugger. Thank God I found you. Well, well, well, look at

you. How's my tie? Is it straight? And is my tuxedo jacket punching at the

bottom? And what about my hair? Do you think I should have parted it on the

other side?

Oh, I knew I should have parted it on the other side.

My nose is huge.

Oh, come on, Jimmy. You're not too fine.

I'm sorry, Slugger. It's just that I'm so excited about this evening.

And none of it would have come about if it weren't for you. Oh, Jim, come on.

That's... That's true.

That's very, very true. Next time you tell me, I shouldn't interfere.

Absolutely. Hey, Corky.

Great party, huh?

Yeah? What's so great about it? Bad food, tacky decorations, boring guests.

You know what's even worse? All anybody wants to talk about is Miles.

Where's Miles?

What's Miles doing?

Hi,

Corky. Hey, say hi to Miles, huh? Boy, we sure miss that guy.

Come on, will you just relax now? Enjoy being with yourself.

I mean, look at me.

Fane is out of town, I'm here alone, and I am perfectly content.

In fact, I am no longer embarrassed to be seen by myself.

Uh -huh. This from a guy who used to buy a lady's speed stick so the cashier

would think he had a live -in girlfriend.

It goes on drier.

The point is, you know, I used to come to these things and just pray that women

would find me attractive. But you know what?

Now that I'm in a committed relationship, I'm not even interested in

women. Ah.

Hi. I'm Jenna.

I don't usually do this sort of thing, but there is something about you.

Oh. Well, yeah, well, you know, I'm in a committed relationship. Here's my

number. Call me.

Oh, look who's coming our way, Jim. It's the Ravenhead receptionist. Hi,

Murphy. Hello, Jim.

Oh, well, I'm going to go now. I'm sure you two must have a lot to talk about.

Have fun.

Well, I'm very glad to see you made it.

I wouldn't have missed it.

Oh, that's such a beautiful corsage. Oh, you'll like it. It's for you.

What? Oh, no, Jim, I couldn't. Now, now, please, I insist.

Well?

Hey, hey, hey, what the hell do you think you're doing? You got it all at an

angle.

There. Thank you, Miller.

Anyway, would you like something to drink?

Uh, maybe some white wine. But, Miller, shouldn't you be getting that for me?

No, Jim can do it. He's not that old.

Bring me a gin and tonic, okay, pal?

You know, Kay, I am having the strangest night. I've got to tell you, it's

strange. What's strange about it? I haven't noticed anything strange. I'm

a really lovely time. I never felt better.

What's strange about it?

Hey, there's Amber. Hey, Amber, when do I go on? Will you tell me when I go on?

Sure. Good, because I'm really, really ready. I wasn't ready before, but now

ready, ready, ready.

Have we met before?

Yeah, sure. I'm Frank Fontana.

Really? You're Frank?

Wow. I don't remember you being so attractive.

Have you been working out?

No, that's not it.

Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing, Fontana? Nothing, Stan. We were

just... Nothing, really. She just... She came on to me.

Fontana, I'm going to punch out your puppet.

No, Stan.

Stan, it's okay.

Go get a drink.

You're right. What was I thinking?

She came on to you.

That's ridiculous.

Yeah, ridiculous.

Hello, Romeo. How's it going?

Well, to be honest, not very well. We don't seem to be communicating.

I tell you what. Why don't I go over there and try to straighten it out?

Absolutely not.

Now, I appreciate all you've done, Slugger, but I do not want you involving

yourself in this. Just... Let me handle it myself.

Okay, fine, whatever you say.

I'm not going to talk to her.

Hey, Miller, get lost. I need to talk to her.

So, I, uh, I gather the date's not going too well.

No, it's not.

In fact, he's sort of a bore.

What? Oh, no, no, no. You just think that because of those long, pointless

stories. But don't you think that you've got yourself one good man there?

That's good to know.

Jane Seymour, TV's Dr.

Quinn.

Bet you it's hard to ride a horse in that outfit.

So glad you showed up. So glad you did. Oh, it's a pleasure, Stan. I'm having a

wonderful time.

Hector says we can't leave. Pause it on.

I talked to the raven -haired receptionist. You what?

Murphy, I distinctly told you not to interfere.

Okay, but I fixed it.

Really? What did you say?

I just told her the truth, that you are the finest man I've ever known, and she

would be lucky to have you.

Thank you, Murphy. Oh, don't mention it, Jim. And listen, after the build -up I

gave you, you've got nothing to worry about.

Well, I'd best return then. No! No, I mean... Oh, nice. This is nice. This is

really nice. This is very nice. Very nice.

Listen, I'm in a committed relationship.

It's really best... Back off, Blondie!

All right, Miller, hold it.

Well, I don't really have much of a choice now, do I?

Wait a minute.

What are you doing in the men's room? This is the men's room, isn't it? Never

mind that. Just what the hell do you think you're doing with the raven

receptionist? What are you talking about?

Give me that. You're all over her.

Well, the way I figure it is... When a woman asks Miller Redfield out on a

she better be ready for a little kissing. What are you talking about? She

ask you out on a date. She asked... Oh, my God.

She thought I was talking about you.

Damn me and my subtlety.

Listen, Murphy, do you think we should move this along?

All right, Miller, here's the deal.

Jim thinks he's out on a date with the Ravenhead receptionist, and he really

likes her, so I want you to pretend you're sick and tell her Jim is going to

drive her home. Got it?

No way. Forget it. Why should I? Because it's the right thing to do.

Because it'll mean a lot to Jim. Yeah.

Because I'm not leaving here until you agree.

Believe me, I can wait just as long as you can.

Oh, yeah?

I guess we can just share this one.

This is nice, isn't it?

Two of us sitting here, talking.

It's nice.

It's very nice.

In fact, it sort of makes me wish I hadn't come with Miller.

Miller. Oh, Miller drove you here.

Yes. Yes, he did.

I know that Miller and I are on a diet.

She and Miller are both on the same diet.

In fact, speaking of Miller, he's about to come any minute. So what do you say

we just sit here quietly and not say anything until he returns? That'll be

Murphy, we have a conversation.

Now, what is it you were saying about Miller?

A conversation, you say? About what? Because I saw this PBS documentary on

Great War. It was 16 hours, but I think I can summarize it for you. You see, the

Archduke Ferdinand... Murphy, do you mind?

Hey, guys.

Listen, Jim.

I'm not feeling very well, and so... And so you're going home?

That's right, that's it.

So, I'm going to go home, and I need for you to give me a ride.

I guess you can feel it's that urgent.

No, Miller.

Didn't you mean to say that you were going to go home, and Jim should give

someone else a ride?

No, I need Jim to give me a ride.

Yes, Murphy.

Remember, you told me to pretend that I was sick and needed to go home because

Jim thinks he's out with my date.

So, I needed to go home and Jim needed to drive... Oh, you know what?

You were right.

Your date?

She's your date? Uh, yeah, listen, don't worry about it, though, big guy. It's

cool, okay?

Murphy told me how much you want to bop her and, you know, make her stand in

your way, okay?

Listen, you've been out of the dating scene for a while, so remember.

No glove, no love.

So anyway, the Archduke Ferdinand gets assassinated and the Bobcats just go

crazy.

Excuse me.

Oh, Jim, wait, I can explain.

Look,

Jim. Oh, good God, woman, is there no place on this earth where a man can be

safe from you? Oh, no, not really.

David Slugger, if there's anyone to blame here, it's me.

What was I thinking?

A man of my years could believe that romance could blossom for him again?

never been so humiliated in my entire life. Oh, come on, Jim. It's not that

Really? Tell me what could possibly be more embarrassing.

Oh, I can think of something.

Jim, are you in there? Oh, no. It's her.

Can I come in? Sure. Come on in.

Bring your friends.

I'm sorry, but...

Could somebody please tell me what is going on? Oh, it's very simple. You see,

I... I'd better handle this.

Oh, yeah, I suppose you're right.

I'll leave you two alone.

Murphy!

All right.

Everyone who can't use one of these, get out.

Good.

It's settled.

Here.

We're going to the ladies' room. Let's see if they like it.

Good luck with the speech, Murphy. I'm sure you'll do fine.

Yeah, right.

Now, I've got a lot to teach and we don't have a lot of time. Number one,

demeaning to call it stripping. We prefer exotic dancing.

But number two, pasties hurt.

You know, on the way over here, I thought of a million or so things that

go wrong this evening.

None of them were half as bad as this.

Jim, tell me something.

Is it true what Miller said?

No, of course not.

Well, yes.

I mean, not so much the salacious parts, but it's not that I

don't or that I wouldn't or that you're not.

I feel the same way about you, Jim.

Really? I mean, you do?

Yes, but I never imagined you felt that way, too.

Oh, my.

I... That is to say... Oh, just ask her out already!

Would you mind accompanying me for a cup of coffee?

That sounds like a nice place to start.

Friday night. Oh, my God, Sid. Oh, my God. You'll never believe what happened.

See, I accidentally took one of Kay's pills, and I'm talking really, really

fast. Can you hear? I'm talking really, really fast. Oh,

all right. I'll do the speech.