Original subtitles

I see.

So should I be bringing my pajamas?

Oh, I won't be needing any.

Okay, then.

I'll see you tonight.

No pajamas, you dog.

What are you talking about? Oh, come on, Jim. You've been a bachelor for, what,

a couple months now? And you're already having the should I bring my pajamas

conversation? You dog.

Guess where Jim, the love machine dial, is going to be parking his slippers

tonight. Tell him, Jim.

I'm going to the hospital for a hernia operation.

What? Oh, my God. There's everything all right? I'm fine, really. It's not a big

deal. Not a big deal? Jim, any time you go into the hospital, it's a big deal? I

knew a guy who went into the hospital for a hernia operation, and he never...

you need a ride or anything?

I have a ride.

Doris? No. The raven -haired receptionist from the fourth floor. Oh.

that's nice of her.

Please, Corky, it's not what you're thinking. I aggravated my hernia lifting

heavy package for her. She's just being gracious, that's all.

Sure,

Jim, we understand.

Understand? What's to understand? I assure you there is nothing going on

us.

That's great, Jim. Hey, good luck with that operation, buddy. Just what in

blazes are you insinuating?

Yes, well, I'm not going to stand here and listen to this. Good day.

Oh, very clever. Well, stop it, peewee.

Ah, good morning, everyone.

And a yippee -ki -yay to you, little buckaroo.

Okay, people, it appears that my FYI chessboard is temporarily one piece

Yes, my little plastic king has to have some work done on his little plastic

groin.

And yet, the great game plays on. Now, hold on there, Kay. Jim is not some

nameless, faceless chess piece.

A man is an icon. He's irreplaceable. True, but I need someone to take over

commentary. I'll do it. What?

Come on, it's just a hernia. So what do you say, Kate? When would I be starting?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why did Frank automatically get to do this? I mean, what if I said I was

interested? Oh, come on, Murph. I've always wanted to do commentaries. You

take the pulse of the street, get in people's faces. Just tell America what's

really on my mind.

Well, that's certainly persuasive, Frank.

What about you, Murph? Why do you want to do this?

Me?

Um, well, you know, that pulse thing of people's faces, all that crap that he

said.

All right, so I don't have some fancy reason prepared. Like, Frank, the point

I still want to do it. This is an opportunity for me to tell people how I

things and not one bonehead waiter at a time like I usually do.

Oh, what a load.

You don't really want this.

No, I think I really do.

You do not, Murph. You only want it because I want it. Now, come on. What do

say? Oh, all right, Frank. Oh, great. This is so much to do. I mean, where to

sit, what to wear, how to end the show.

From all of us at FYI, live, learn, love.

Learn,

love, live.

Or love, learn, live. Oh, I don't know. Just what do you think, Murph?

I changed my mind. I want to do it.

Kate, let me do it, okay? Don't listen to him, Kate. I should do it. No, you

shouldn't. I should. Okay, okay, you two.

This is a tough decision. I'm going to need a little time. Time for what?

To weigh your qualifications, to consider my options, to string this

I get tired of the two of you groveling and debating yourselves in front of me.

Like I never get tired of that.

Hey there, Kate.

Fancy bumping into you here.

Yeah. I haven't seen you since you followed me to the coffee island five

ago.

Those were some good times, weren't they?

Anyway, I'm glad we have this chance to talk, just the two of us, because I want

to really tell you... What do you think you're doing?

What? Oh, don't give me that. You're trying to weasel your way into getting

commentary, aren't you?

No, I wasn't. I was going to ask Kay a question.

About what?

About the dental plan.

That was molars, right?

I believe so.

Wow, that is a good dental plan.

Oh, my God!

It's really you!

Oh, God, another fan. I don't know what it is, Corky, but they seem to be

getting stupider all the time.

Corky sure would.

Well, that mystery's solved. Hello.

This is such a hoot! I watched all your shows on FYI, and now I'm...

Oh, you're going to be working with us, huh? Isn't that great? Just let me ask

you one question. Who the hell are you?

I'm talking in Carol.

TLC for short. Get it?

TLC?

Anyway, didn't Mr. Lansing tell you? Well, with Mr. Dial in the hospital, he

thought y 'all might be next reporter here at FYI.

Guess I'm kind of like a substitute teacher, only much better paid.

I'm kidding, of course. The plight of our nation's teachers bothers me

Wait a minute.

No, I know you.

You're the spokesmodel for Gupco's Tummy Buddy.

Absolutely.

You know, for a minute there, I thought you might not be qualified to come on a

national news program, but hey, if you're telling us you've got firm abs...

honey, I do.

Gupco's Tummy Buddy works miracles. Here, go on. Hit me as hard as you can.

All right. Murphy!

forms and personnel. Can y 'all tell me where that is? Oh, sure. Here's what you

do. You go down to the basement, and then when you see the sign that's marked

janitor, don't be fooled. That's actually our human resources department.

So we go in there, and then you just wait there until you see a guy. No, no,

Murphy. Personnel's on the fifth floor.

Well, aren't you just sweeter than a honeybee on a spoonful of sugar?

Well, tell you what.

After you finish, why don't you just come back?

What are you thinking, Corky? What do you mean?

Have you learned nothing?

We could have pulled a perfectly good prank on that cabbage head.

Murphy.

You know, just because someone's naive and inexperienced doesn't mean you

them. Oh, see, I thought it did.

Murphy, Tabby just needs a little guidance, that's all.

She's just like I used to be. Sure, I was a little green when I first got

but eventually I became a good journalist, right?

And how do you suppose that happened?

Jim let you out of the janitor's closet. That's how it happened.

Well, I don't think Taffy's a cabbage head. In fact, I'll even go further. I

think she has potential.

A lot of potential.

All she needs is a little support.

A little guidance.

A little... TLC?

Coffee, huh?

It never ceases to amaze me how...

So many people are on coffee.

In fact, I believe that as a nation, this addiction to coffee may someday

be our undoing. It's this reporter's opinion that we need to take a cold,

look at our addiction. What the hell are you doing, Frank?

What? A guy can't talk?

Oh, please, you're doing a commentary.

Where are your ethics?

I'm telling you, ethics in this country have never been...

It's Alexis de Tocqueville who once had every other script.

Look at this script sheet. You know something? At least I took the time to

memorize mine.

Did you notice how I memorized the whole thing? Oh, like it really matters that

I read mine.

Because when you think about it, how many people read these days?

Literacy is at a cost. You're calling it?

Keep doing it again.

Okay, Murphy, Frank, stop, please.

Look, I've got to be honest here.

I'm looking for a little more from you than these pat speeches and meaningless

platitudes.

You're right.

That's why I got you this really expensive gift.

I don't believe this. Hey, Sherry, have you signed Mr. Bell's card yet?

Okay, I got you something, too. Oh, it's bigger. I like bigger.

Trust?

That's right, a truss.

And it'll go great with those shoes.

Thanks a bunch.

Oh,

gosh,

Corky, everybody has been so nice, but I am just so nervous about this first

show. Y 'all got any pointers or tips y 'all could give me?

Y 'all are just so wise and experienced and, well...

Y 'all are just the best.

Well, actually, Taffy, I do have a little tip for you.

You might want to think about not using the word y 'all quite so much.

Oh, my gosh. Do I say that?

Mm -hmm.

And to tell you the truth, it doesn't make you sound like a professional

newscaster. I mean, you think people would take Tom Brokaw seriously if his

story was, there's a twister coming, y 'all better get it.

Oh, that is so right, Corky.

You know what?

I am going to change that right away. Oh, great.

Now, y 'all got any more tips for me or do y 'all want to order first?

And that's why you should base your decision solely on who's the best person

do the commentary and not be influenced by any of the cheesy, underhanded

tactics that Murphy's been using. I'm glad to hear that, Frank.

So, more champagne sometime?

Would you like me to cut your meat?

Yes. I got a statement.

Hey, Frank.

Oh, Murph. You know what? The office just called. They need you back there

away. So, geez, you better get going.

Is that Kay over there? Kay? Where?

Oh, I hadn't noticed. Come on, Frank. Frank, this bat is not going to trim

itself.

I knew you were low, but I had no idea you were this low.

All right, Kay, enough's enough.

Decision time. Who's going to do the commentary, him or me?

You're right. I can't keep dragging this out forever.

I can't keep expecting you to shower me with lavish praise or cash bribes or

expensive electronic equipment.

I can't, can I?

No.

All right, then.

I've given this a lot of thought. I've weighed the pros and cons of each of

and I've arrived at a decision.

I have decided to let you decide yourself.

You've got to be kidding me. What kind of decision is that? A smart one. Look,

if I pick one of you, the other one might get angry and do something silly

kill me. I wouldn't kill you if you picked Frank. I'd kill Frank if you

Frank.

Look.

I am sure that two mature professionals can discuss this, talk it through, and

come to some kind of reasonable solution.

What you two wingnuts are going to do, I don't have a clue.

She doesn't know what she's talking about. Frank, we are mature adults and

can come to a reasonable solution.

You're absolutely right. So then it's agreed. I'll do the commentary.

I want to do it. Oh, real mature, Frank.

You're mellowing out with me.

Oh, excuse me. This is Jim Dial's room, isn't it? Yes. How's he doing?

Oh, he's fine.

But you can't see him just yet. He's still a little groggy from the surgery.

Oh, are you the doctor?

No, I'm the nurse.

Oh. Go ahead, make your little male nurse jokes.

Gee, Bruce, why'd you become a nurse? So you could catch yourself a cute doctor?

What's the matter, Bruce completed his ballerina? Hardy har har.

I really appreciate y 'all letting me tag along.

I mean, I don't know if I told y 'all this before, but y 'all are just so nice

and kind and thoughtful.

Oh, well, he's not ready for anybody to see him yet, but he's fine.

Oh, God, what a relief. I was so worried.

You know, Corky, it's good to be worried about your friends and all, but a woman

of your years, y 'all are going to have to start watching that.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you know, lines.

See, there's one.

Oh, there's one.

Goodness gracious, we've got a couple more popping out right there. Well,

you, Tammy.

That's valuable for me to know.

Let's go to the cafeteria and get something to drink. Oh, no, thanks.

to the cafeteria.

Oh.

Hello. Hi.

So, uh, how's Jim?

He's fine. You can't go in yet.

Oh.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Listen. I know how much you want to do the commentary, and I'm sure you'd do a

great job, so I'm not going to stand in your way.

Oh, wow, Frank, that's really nice of you.

Hey, what can I say? You're my best friend.

I just wish I wasn't working through so much stuff right now.

Really? Yeah, I'm having a little trouble getting out of bed in the

But hey, hey, hey, really, it's fine. I mean, you really want to do this.

You do that commentary.

I was just checking.

You put it that way.

Thanks.

Listen, this show is on in three days. We both want to do the commentary, and

neither of us is willing to budge. Now, how the hell are we going to resolve

this?

Frank, you know, we're overlooking the obvious.

There's someone right here in this hospital who can make this decision for

Someone we respect and admire. Someone who knows us both well enough to make

right choice.

Jim. No, Marcus Welby, of course it's Jim.

Okay, fine. Whatever he decides, we go along with it no matter what. Agreed?

Agreed. Okay, oh, and just so that we're clear, this applies even if he does not

pick you.

All right, all right.

Um, can we go in now?

I suppose, but remember, Mr. Dial's just coming out of the anesthesia. He's a

little bit groggy. Are you the doctor?

No, I'm the nurse.

Gee, Bruce, why'd you become a nurse? So you could catch yourself a cute doctor?

Jim.

It's us, Jim.

Murphy and Frank.

Hey, buddy.

How you doing?

You're looking great. Just great.

Hey, man. Look, we've got to ask you a question, okay?

No, no, no, no, no, Jim. Don't go back to sleep. Don't wake up, okay?

Good.

Problem. While you're here laid up, someone has to do your commentary, and

Murphy and I would like to do it, and, well, Kay sort of left it up to us.

Right, but rather than bicker about it like little children, we thought we

do the mature adult thing and let you decide.

Exactly. Now, we've talked about this, and whatever you say is fine with us.

who's it going to be? Me or Murphy?

Hey, here.

I'm going to do a bang -up job with that commentary.

We'll see. I'm sorry. Frank. Wait a minute. You didn't say Murphy.

Well, of course he did. I heard it plain as day. Come on, let's let him get some

rest. Hold on. Hold on. Jim, Jim, did you say Murphy?

Hey, here.

See?

I don't believe you. You swore out there that you would go along with whatever

Jim said. Now you're going against your word. You know, this reporter thinks

this is exactly the type of... Frank, not another one of your... idiotic

commentary. I was not doing a commentary, even if I wasn't.

Martin, than anything you did, I... Can I just say something? What was that,

Jim? Poo.

He's afraid. Oh, he did.

Yes, I did. Okay, fine. What is he saying?

Poo. I don't know. I can't tell. Pain.

He's saying pain.

Pain? What's that supposed to mean?

Mr. Guy, you shouldn't be feeling pain from the surgery. You're on a Demerol

Not the surgery.

Them.

So, Jim, Jim, Jim, have you made up your mind? Yeah, Jim, we really need to

know.

Well, I guess if I have to pick, I pick... Knock, knock.

The raven hair is infectious.

How do I look?

No, can't you see this man needs his rest?

Come on, Jim, snap out of it. We need an answer.

So, Jim, please, you're going to be saving me. Save me, please. Save me.

you for coming.

Oh, Jim, I just felt so bad that you hurt yourself while trying to help me.

Then I brought you some cookies.

Baked them myself.

Oh, lovely.

Yes, well, whenever I feel guilty, I bake.

As you can see, I'm feeling pretty guilty.

Putting a little distance between what I feel guilty about. So why don't you

just take your little cookies and toddle on home. Thanks for coming. Bye.

Murphy! Oh, thanks.

Okay,

so Jim, Jim, Jim, what's it going to be?

Right, Jim, come on. You've got to pick. And don't let the fact that my hand is

on your IV drip in any way sway your decision.

Jim, just leave him alone already. Jim can make up his own mind without your

trying to manipulate or influence him.

I don't believe you, Frank. Really, that is not good. You know something? You've

done a lot worse than that. I can tell you that. We've just been trying to get

to know you. You want me to decide? I'll

decide.

Frank, you're a sensitive, caring man.

You're all so wishy -washy and indecisive. That's not true.

Okay, then what were you planning to do your commentary on? I am glad you asked

because I have decisively decided to go with a commentary on the global economy.

Or maybe smog.

Unless you think the global economy is better.

And then there's Murphy.

So assertive, so strong -willed, so pig -headed.

Hey. That's the truth.

If it hurts, well, I'm in pain. Why shouldn't you be?

All right. You know what? Who cares? The point is, you've got to pick, hernia

boy. Who's it going to be, me or Frank?

Oh.

All right.

I guess if I have to choose, I choose... Hi, Jim.

Oh, Parker.

I just wanted to check and see if you were doing all right. Me too, and I

to pitch you on my tummy story. Don't y 'all think it's a good idea for me to

pitch you my tummy story? Ashley Taffy, as I told you before, I don't think this

is exactly the right time or place.

Oh, fiddle dick.

Okay, Jim, the story I want to do next week is about... It's about tummies, and

celebrities, and celebrities' tummies, and tummies.

And you know what? No one cares, and you know why? Because it's stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

You said you liked it. Well, I hate it. And if it ever sounded like I didn't

hate it, it was only because I was trying to be nice.

But you don't see it. You know why? Because you're a cabbage head. A cabbage

head who will never be a journalist until she starts thinking about only

and starts thinking about what other people might be interested in.

And you know what?

For the 1200 millionth billionth time, y 'all isn't a word.

You corn pony.

Oh, Taffy, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me.

You're not a cabbage head at all.

In fact, you know what?

Everything's going to be all right. You know what? I'll just work with you until

we find out what... No, no, no, Corky. Don't apologize.

It's like... It's like I see things in a whole new light.

Thank you, Corky Sherwood Silverberg.

You are a godsend.

We're finished with hillbilly theater.

You were saying, Jim, about the

commentary. Strong will, yet sensitive.

Decisive, yet flexible.

And that's the world according to

Sherwood. Everyone here wishes our friend.

The very wise Jim Dial, a very speedy... Good night.

Night, Cal.

Mr. Dial, it seems you have a visitor.

How do you feel, Jim?

I wanted to come by because I... Well, I have a little something I think is

going to make you feel...

Did anyone ever tell you you have beautiful eyes?

Thank you.