Original subtitles

Morning, guys. How about that snow out there?

Guys?

Guys? Okay, joke's over. You can come out now.

Or have you forgotten the last time someone organized this cute little let's

hide from Murphy prank?

Remember Vicki in accounting?

Remember how for a while there she was Vicki in intensive care?

Guys?

Hello? Murph, you made it in? It's a blizzard out there.

What'd you do, drive through the subway tunnels?

Oh, man, you didn't drive through the subway tunnel.

That's not important now, Frank. The point is that I'm here for Kay's early

meeting. When the hell are you going to get here?

Look, I don't know. Right after I picked up Jim and Corky, I hit an ice patch

and the car slammed into a snowbank. We actually had to kick out the back window

just to escape. I'll tell you, we're lucky we got out of there alive.

Uh -huh, so what, like five, ten minutes?

I don't know, Murph. The guy said it's going to take at least a couple of hours

to get a tow truck to us.

A couple of hours, huh?

Well, you know what? No one else is going to be here, so it's not worth

your lives over. Don't even bother coming in, Frank.

Good morning.

Get your ass in here now.

Hey, where is everyone?

Oh, well, their car went off the road and they were almost killed by some

bastards. I guess it's just you and me then.

Actually, it's just you. Bye. Oh, wait a minute, Murphy. Maybe we should look on

this as an opportunity.

A chance to use the time for something productive.

Like a little job evaluation.

Forget it. If you think I'm going to listen to you criticize my interviewing

skills or comment on my wardrobe or ask me to explain how Morley Safer happened

to wake up on that garbage barge wearing makeup and one of my Donna Karan

pantsuits... Actually, I was talking about you evaluating me.

What? Well, I've been on this job for a while now, and I'd really like to get

your honest opinion about how you think I'm doing.

Oh. Well, okay.

You stink.

No,

I'm... serious. I'd really like to hear what you have to say.

For example, if I were evaluating myself, I might say that I was a little

Abrasive?

Nice. I was going to say nice.

Well, you are abrasive. And if you ask me, which you did, I think you need to

warmer.

You know, more of a people person.

Well, more like me.

Like you.

You're serious.

Well, absolutely.

I mean, take how I am with my friends and colleagues. They know that no matter

what happens, I am always there to support them. And that's why they love

She always has to have her own way.

Murphy likes the thermostat set at 64 degrees, so the rest of us just have to

bring sweaters.

When she goes to get water at the water cooler, does she ever get any for anyone

else? No. Look, I don't see what water has to do with us getting water.

Well, I'll be sitting at the table. She goes to get herself some water, but does

she ever say, Corky, I'm getting water. Would you like some?

Geez, Corky, you've got a mouth. If you want water, speak up. I don't want

water, Murphy. I want to be asked.

At least I don't announce in that chipper little voice that I'm getting

then ask everyone if they want some.

Jim, do you want water? Corky, are you thirsty?

Miles, do you want water? I mean, how annoying is that?

flash for you, Corky. Nobody wants your water. Just like nobody wants those

homemade lemon bars that come with those cute little tins we all have to return

to you. Where's my tin? Did you bring back my tin?

You didn't forget my tin.

I want my tin back.

Well, if you're so obsessed with your stupid tins, why do you put the cookies

there in the first place?

All right, what's this about?

I want to know where the hell you get off telling Frank I'm the cause of all

problems. Is that what you told her, Frank? No. What?

Okay. Okay.

I may have allowed her to assume certain things.

Frank, why did you lie to Murphy? I don't know.

Murphy? Well, I'm not all that knowledgeable about therapy, but maybe

because he's a rotten, stinking liar.

Real constructive. That's nice. My best friend behind me every step of the way.

You know, Frank, that is your problem. You always want someone behind you every

step of the way. Should I ask her out? Should I get the chicken or the fish? Do

you like these socks? Oh, like you're perfect?

Like you're some kind of pope or head nun or something perfect? An orange or

something?

An orange?

That second kiss said it all. Tell me you didn't feel it, too.

I don't know how I feel.

My head is spinning.

It's probably so repulsed it's trying to twist itself off your body.

Corky, we have to talk.

What's there to talk about? She's married and you're an idiot.

Is corporate downsizing good or bad in the long run? Eleanor Clift. I say

Oh,

I see what you're getting at, Jim. But you're wrong. This isn't about taking.

This is about sharing. Exactly. Oh, that's such rubbish. Jim makes a very

point. Although I'm not so sure about that agent part.

am sure, and I have been for the past 25 years, but is that taken into

consideration? Oh, not for a nanosecond.

Of course it was taken into consideration, although how a breakfast

that important to anyone. Issue 5, what in blazes are Jim and Murphy talking

about?

Stuart, you've got to go now.

No!

Murph, this is our big chance. We can make FYI the show it was meant to be.

old chemistry, the old game.

It'll be great!

There's no such word as old.

It's all I know.

It wasn't the network. It was us. We wanted you fired. My name's Murphy. Get

the stage!

You want to know what, Elle? You're too abrasive.

You just said that.

Well, I know, but I feel that I just can't stress this enough.

Now, take how I am when I'm dealing with the public. I'm always thoughtful,

courteous, and demure.

Please.

I beg of you, you're my last chance to get there. This is my son's first

birthday. Right now, he's sitting at home in his party hat waiting for Mommy

walk through the front door.

One ticket, please.

You know, when I see you on TV, you always come across like such a hard

But you're not.

You are obviously a very loving and sensitive person. So you'll help me?

are you, deaf? It's so loud.

Nice club you've got here.

Hello, I'm Murphy Brown.

I'm new here.

I know.

I'm Bert Wilson, club chaplain. Ah, the chaplain. Well, I never thought I'd see

the day when a woman would be accepted in here.

Well, I guess there's time for everything.

No, there isn't. I don't like it. It's a dark day. You've desecrated our home

and ruined our lives.

isn't it, Murphy?

You don't get to sit in your cushy little chair with your makeup and your

lighting. Down here in the pits, it's every man for himself.

Oh, give me a break. I earn my stripes just like everybody else. Don't blame me

just because you're a locks on camera.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I wasn't looking. That's not fair. He distracted

me. He did that on purpose. You cheater.

Come on. It was my turn. Admit it. Let me see that question you take.

You call that a question?

I was asking tougher stuff than this on a high school paper.

Why don't you just ask him his favorite color? No wonder you're still a prank

journalist. You have a lot of nerve.

And I suppose it was Q Downs that broke Watergate. Oh, don't. It was a prank

journalist. You guys don't do half the job with me. You don't help people who

watch my show. Good night.

Interviews? When was the last time you were on a subway? The last time you were

out on the street, you were a prank animal.

Looks like the only way we're going to get out of here is let Murphy ask her

question. This better be good.

Yeah, I'd like to report a stolen car. Oh, great.

Murphy Brown.

Just what I needed today to be part of some get -the -cops expose.

And me without my donut.

Imagine my appearance.

I'm not here to do an expose.

I'm here because my car was stolen and I'd like to get it back.

Hey, why don't you guys ever go after the fireman, huh?

Everybody loves firemen. Oh, look, there's a little kitten up in the tree.

call the big brave fireman.

Did you ever stop to think? Maybe it's the firemen lobbing those cats up there

in the first place.

What are you doing on Channel 4, Marshall?

I'm not a remote control, okay?

You're not a remote. You're not a maid. You're not a waiter. Give me a break.

You're being held against my will. Change the channel.

Keep going.

Keep going.

God, you call these pretzels? Who buys pretzels made of oat bran?

You guys don't know how to shop.

Oh, lovely. A feminine hygiene commercial.

Take it from me, fellas. Not once have I played frisbee on the beach while

discussing freshness with my mother.

Get out!

What are you, blind? The door's wide open!

We don't want you here!

Whether you go to jail, or drive back to Oregon, or eat off the floor of a

nuclear reactor, if you would just go!

It's quite a picture, isn't it? Two long -standing enemies coming together to

shake hands in the name of peace.

And to think it may never have come to pass if not for... If not for Murphy

Brown?

I'm not saying I'm solely responsible for peace in the Middle East, but I did

say, Menachem, give him a call. What could it hurt?

My point is you have to be more diplomatic.

Like you.

You who could engineer the Camp David pizza cords, but can't split a pizza

Frank without someone ending up with Italian sausage shoved up their nose.

You see, that's your problem right there. You're too abrasive.

Well, yeah, but actually I was going to say you're too rigid.

You see, you've got to learn to adapt to new ideas and situations.

I do that all the time.

Rolling. Kelly Green.

Scene eight, take one.

Murphy Brown.

I got your letter of apology, Kelly.

Now I'm sorry I filled your car with herring.

Perhaps you'd care to explain this to me.

It's that letter you asked me to type. I made a few changes.

Murphy, you do not punch up the lead on a letter revoking someone's parole.

And look at these typos.

There, there, there.

You've been doing this for a week now. You're still not getting it. What

is your problem?

Well, it's not so easy trying to type something when someone is constantly

interrupting you with phone calls to be made and pestering you for files she

could easily get herself.

Perhaps you'd rather spend the rest of your time here gutting trout in the

kitchen.

For me.

I heard that.

You know, some people think a souffle is hard, but it isn't really. Not as long

as you have the right utensils and you time everything just right. So what's

next? While we're waiting for the milk to boil, we need to separate four eggs.

Oh, why don't you do that while I grate the orange peel?

Oh, okay.

Separate the eggs, huh?

Would you like me to do that, Murphy? No, no, no. It's okay. I can handle it.

Here we go.

Whoops. Clean up on aisle six.

Why don't I do that, Murphy? You stir the flour.

Now, there's an easy way to separate eggs. It's all in the wrist.

Watch this.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Let me try that.

No, Murphy, stir the flour. No, no, I can get this.

That's two out of three.

Now, see here, it's time for the milk, and this girl's still not got the flour

mixed in.

Murphy, why don't you tell everybody about the importance of keeping your

countertops tidy?

Here's a sponge.

Just one more egg. You girls settle down now. We gotta beat the egg whites.

I'll beat the egg whites. No, I'll beat the egg whites. I don't care who beats

the egg whites. Just beat them.

I got your letter of apology, Kelly.

Now I'm sorry I filled your car with herring.

Got as far as the door.

Knew they'd ask me about it.

I have a real knack for comedy writing.

I mean, I look at this, and then I look at the stuff on television. There's no

contest. Well, I am just excited I got the part of President Clinton. Look,

got my facts. I am ready to rehearse. So why don't you just give me a copy of

the script, and I'll start learning my line.

Uh, yeah. Uh, I changed your plan.

What do you mean?

I think I need you to audition for me again.

Again? But I nailed it. Well, I slept on it, and I got to thinking. What if you

go on stage and start stinking up the place? How is that going to make me

I want to audition again.

Well, have it your way, but Tom Brokaw did let it slip that he played Conrad

Verde in high school.

All right.

Great. Let's take it from the top of three. Now, you've been out jogging with

some advisors, and now you're at the drive -thru speaker at McDonald's.

McDonald's? Murph, isn't that a little tired?

Just read it, Frank.

Actors.

Same age. Take three.

Apology, Kelly.

Now I'm sorry I filled your car with herring.

Cut. I missed my mark. I knew that. I guess I was thinking so much about

punching the right word. You know, all the times we've talked the last few

weeks, just think of this as just another one of those conversations.

Great. I'll try that.

The woman is a redwood.

life experiences that have allowed me to become the journalist that I am today.

Gosh, all the places I've been, all the people I've met, the list is practically

endless.

I remember the time my good friend Elizabeth Taylor dropped by the... Oh,

no, no, please, please, please, no, no, please stop!

Oh, I... I've had all these fascinating life experiences, and until you came to

FYI, all you've done is hop from one low -rated crummy TV show to the next.

Excuse me, but some of those crummy TV shows were highly rated crummy TV shows.

And that's not all I've done with my life, you know. For a brief time during

70s, I managed an extremely popular rock band.

Right. Who was it? Led Zeppelin, The Stones, The Grateful Dead? Yes, well, in

that category.

Oh, that's the last time I eat before one of their concerts.

Oh, my God.

Are they playing Afternoon Delight?

Of course they're playing Afternoon Delight.

Why wouldn't they play Afternoon Delight? Afternoon Delight is the only

theirs that anyone knows.

When they finish playing Afternoon Delight, you know what they do? They

playing Afternoon Delight again.

Geez, lady.

That's the Bicentennial spirit.

Like, have a nice day.

Ah, sit on it.

Wait a minute.

Starland Vocal Band Bicentennial Concert?

At the Beacon Theater?

Yeah, why?

God,

I can't take it anymore.

Hey, I'll give you something sharp, but it has to be long enough to function my

eardrum. Or give me one of those pet rocks over there and bash my blind dates

going with it.

I'll show him a bite.

Oh,

hey, hey, listen.

You think you've got it bad? I'm their manager. I have to listen to that.

Every day.

Oh, why couldn't I have hooked up with a good band?

A band that was going somewhere. A band like the Bay City Rollers. Or Peaches in

the Room. If only I could stop that noise.

Oh, but it would take a miracle.

Or a natural disaster.

Or someone.

Knowing exactly where the little red switch is.

Behind the top panel.

The left of the stage.

Not the big red switch.

The little switch that says main power.

On, off.

Ah, but damn.

They need backstage pass.

Like this one.

I like the way you sing.

That was you? I can't believe it.

So how long were you with that band?

Well, not much longer, really. When they went back into the studio to record

their follow -up single, Late Evening Nookie, I knew that their creative

had pretty much run dry.

Hey, guys.

Sorry it's so late.

Is everything okay here?

Everything's fine. Jim Kay and I were just having a little chat.

Yeah, it turns out we actually met before at a bicentennial concert at the

Beacon Theater.

Did you just say the Beacon Theater?

Yeah.

July 4th, 1976?

That would be the bicentennial, Frank.

Hey there, foxy lady.

What's up for a little afternoon delight?

Get lost.

Why you ask, Frank?

No reason.