Original subtitles

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, great.

Writer's cramp. You know, I just hope Kay's happy. You know, she gets it in

head that our ratings are going to go up if we work twice as many hours as we

usually do, and then look what happens. Just totally useless.

That's a shame, Frank. What with the whole galaxy waiting for you to sign

interplanetary peace treaty this afternoon.

Ah, morning, everyone.

Oh, hello, Frank.

Hello, Doc.

I know you've been working very hard lately, but I'm afraid you're going to

to cancel all your day and evening plans for next week. What? My hand hurts.

We've been killing ourselves for the past month. We need a break.

Look, sis, I don't care what you think.

I've talked to the network, and they agree. They've given the quality of your

work lately. They have no choice but to give all of you five days at a beautiful

Mexican resort totally at their expense.

You see what I did there?

You thought I was going to do something evil, but I went a different way.

Oh, please, don't you see what she's doing? This isn't a vacation. It's a

retreat, and we hate retreats. Right, guys?

I suppose.

Right? I want to go to Mexico.

But we're not going.

We're not taking part in any stupid seminars or motivational speeches. Look,

know this sounds like a typical retreat, but basically it's a vacation at the

network's expense.

I don't get it. Why are you doing this?

It's simple. I work you hard, the ratings go up, and that makes the

happy. If the network is happy, then I'm happy. If I'm happy, then you're happy.

And if you're happy, well, I don't know why it matters if you're happy.

Please, do you think you can just dangle candy in front of us and expect us to

grab at it like little children?

Hi, man. Me too.

Just feel free to bring Miles.

And Jim, why don't you ask your lovely wife?

Oh, perhaps you've forgotten that I'm currently separated from Doris.

Doris, that's right. Her name is Doris.

Wait, why am I bothering now?

Well, I don't like this, Kay. I don't like this one bit.

What's going on?

Oh, Kay's forcing us to take time off from work for an all -expense -paid

vacation at an exotic Mexican resort.

What?

That bitch!

Oh, my.

All right, let's get started with the motivational seminars. The sooner we get

them towered, the sooner we can get the hell out of here. Oh, lighten up, Murph.

This is going to be great. Look at this. They've got parasailing, diving,

mariachi band.

And did you see that pool?

They actually have a swim -up bar.

Oh, great. A bunch of pot -bellied slobs standing in the pool drinking beer all

day. Can't wait to dive in there.

So, Jim, have you ever been to Mexico before?

No, I'm afraid I've never had the pleasure.

No, Doris preferred vacationing in Vermont.

You know, the colorful leaves, the quaint country ends, the shooting pain

spine as I drove for ten consecutive hours while that woman pointed out every

bush, twig, and tree that we happened to pass by, then screaming into my ear,

watch out for that squirrel, forcing me to swerve into a ravine and wait for

five hours until some inbred grease monkey came along and ripped the axle

our Buick.

I'm going to go stand somewhere else now.

Excuse me. Has Miles Silverberg checked in yet? I'm sorry, ma 'am. He has not,

but he did leave a message for you.

Oh, bugger!

Bugger, bugger, bugger!

Is something wrong, Courtney? No, Frank, I'm buggering for joy.

I'm sorry.

Miles just had to back out on another one of our weekends.

Bugger! Oh, I'm sure he had a good reason. Yeah, well, he always has a good

reason. But now I'm stuck here in this beautiful resort with no one to share it

with. I'll share it with you, pretty lady.

Yeah, that'll happen.

I mean, why does Miles always do that?

I mean, it's almost like he doesn't want to be with me.

Oh, my God.

Frank, what if that's it?

What if he doesn't find me desirable anymore?

I think you're desirable.

Excuse me, is your name Frank?

Actually, it is.

You know what?

I don't care what Miles thinks.

I am desirable, and I'm not going to let him ruin my vacation.

You know, if you were my wife, I would never leave your side.

Yeah? Well, when I decide to trade in my handsome, successful husband for some

sexed -up luggage jockey, you're at the top of my list.

The top?

Did you hear that, losers?

Sorry, amigos. It seems that there's only one ocean view room left.

Who would like it? Well, I'd really love it, so go ahead and take it, Murph.

What? Well, I know you're going to find some way to grab it from me anyway. I

figured I'd just save us both a little time.

Well, look, since we're going to be spending every second in Kay's little

torture sessions, it's not like I'm going to get a chance to enjoy it

you might as well have it, Frank. Really? Thanks.

All right, people, here's your itinerary.

Ah, here it comes. Now we'll find out what this week is really all about.

Monday through Friday.

Free time?

Here you are, Mr. Fontana. One ocean view room. Thank you. Hey!

What can I say, Frank? I gotta be me.

Wow. Is this all the luggage you brought?

Impressive, isn't it? It's the first time in 35 years Doris hasn't packed my

suitcase. And I'd say I did a pretty good job.

You see?

Three shirts.

Three pairs of trousers.

Three pairs of...

Good Lord.

Three pairs of what, Jim? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Come on, Jim. What is it?

All right, but I prefer you didn't divulge this to anyone.

It seems I neglected to pack underwear.

What am I going to do?

Huh.

Hey, I know. Maybe you could buy some new underwear. No, no. For the last 30

years, I've worn one brand and one brand only. It's custom -made and available

solely through the mail.

So? Oh, you don't understand.

I never do.

I need extra bathrobes, extra towels, extra shampoos. Oh, and I want more than

one mint on my pillow at night. Oh, what the hell, just tell them to leave the

whole box. And you guys have a tour boat, right? Because I'd like to rent

for the week. We do have a tour boat, Mrs. Brown.

But at the moment, it's being used by the employees of the Hekawi Tool

Hekawi Tool Company? Don't tell me those guys are here.

Yes, they're having their convention here as a morale builder.

Apparently, their company was devastated by a news report regarding their

defective product line.

Aw, jeez. Wasn't that your report, Murph? Yes, Frank, it was. Hence the aw

Ever since my report aired, I haven't been able to get those bozos off my

Like it's my fault they built a drill that bursts into flames whenever it

into contact with wood.

Do you know where they are now?

They're a pretty dispirited bunch.

Mostly they just stand around drinking beer at the swim -up bar.

Oh, wait a minute. Here they come now.

It was your plan all along, wasn't it, Kay? You let me do that tool story, then

you fabricated a drop in the rating so you could work me hard, then you

pretended to reward me by dragging me off to Mexico where you knew the very

people would... Ah, hell, even I don't believe that. I'll be in my room.

Hey, thanks, Kate. This is great. I'll be around the pool, huh? Oh, Frank, if

you don't mind, I'd like a half hour of your time tomorrow.

to have a little chat about, you know, you and FYI.

Sounds good.

Well, I'm glad to hear you say that. I mean, it's nothing really, but I was

worried you might obsess about what I might have to say. You know, that sort

paranoid thing you do.

Me? Paranoid? Oh, please.

You don't know me as well as you think.

My life is over. What am I going to do? She's going to fire me.

Dude, relax.

What could I have possibly done wrong? Sure, I went over budget on my last...

five pieces, and okay, I did accidentally lean on that console over

sort of launched an attack on Canada.

You know, everything was straightened out, and even if it wasn't, we probably

would have won.

Good evening.

Hey, Jim. Hey, Jim.

Jim, you're... You're looking kind of funny. Are you okay?

I'm fine, Frank. Can we please change the subject?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

Say, Jim.

Did you ever find any underwear?

No.

Oh, you decided to go al fresco.

Buenas noches.

What can I get for you, gentlemen?

Why don't you make us three of those Ixtapa extinguishers?

Oh, no, senor. Those are much too strong for you gringos. No, I will make...

you a nice, foofy tourist drink with a pretty umbrella and a curly straw. Okie

dokie. Listen, amigo.

They like it when you speak their language.

Three extinguishers. Pronto.

Okay.

But don't say I didn't warn you.

Miguel.

Three extinguishers.

Ay, Dios mio.

Hi, James Craig.

Lick, trap, and toss.

Markey, Markey, it's me. Let me in. Markey, I'm not really in a mood to come

right now. Markey, open the door.

Okay, okay, it's open.

Those damn tool guys, they're after me.

This ought to hold them.

Oh, that'll never hold them.

Markey, the most horrible thing has happened. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure it's

Here, help me with this thing.

I fell asleep on my side.

I'm an idiot, aren't I?

Corky, are you in there? It's Kay.

Are you alone?

Yes, I am, for the last ten years, and thanks so much for reminding me.

Corky, I was wondering if you had any sunscreen, but I'm guessing you don't.

Kay, what am I going to do? I look terrible.

Now, Corky, it'll be fine.

Really?

Room service. Nice try tool, guys. I didn't order any room service. No, but I

did. I didn't want to be seen in public like this.

Hey, hey, hey, pretty lady. I brought you your dinner and a little something

make the evening more romantic.

Champagne and two glasses. You know, one for you and one for in case you drop

the first one of yours.

You see that? I do look repulsive.

Oh, now, Corky, that's ridiculous.

Absolutely. Your face will be fine.

As long as you don't scratch at the weeping blisters that may form in a day

two. But, hey, even if you do, cosmetic surgery can work miracles on even the

most disfigured. You know, Murphy, you can jump in here any time. It's going to

be fine, Courtney.

Okay, maybe.

For right now.

But don't you see?

This whole thing has opened my eyes.

Beauty is so fleeting.

And I'm already in my 30s.

And pretty soon my looks are going to start slipping away.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with that.

How do you guys deal with that?

Corky, I have seven paper bags with eye holes cut in them, one for each day of

the week.

You know what I hate? When little kids look at me and run away in terror. I

that.

You know what I hate? When they stick us in cornfields to scare off crows. All

right, fine.

I was just asking.

Let it in. We're looking for Murphy Brown. Open up.

There's got to be some other way out of here.

Murphy, where are you going?

Seeing if I can hit the pool from here.

It comes to me. Quick, grab our key.

These drinks are really good, huh, guys?

Yeah. You can't even taste the alcohol, can you, Jim?

Marriage over.

Underwear gone.

Drink finished.

What's the point?

Jim, listen to me, man.

You are looking at this in a whole wrong way.

You're free.

This whole thing should be a freeing experience.

Which? My not having a wife and my not having underwear.

Both. Well, I have to admit that I do feel a lot less constrained.

Jim Dial, you're a free man.

It's time to start your new life.

You're right. It is time.

Excuse me.

Hello, young lovers.

I'm Jim Dial, and I'm not wearing any...

And why shouldn't they be? He's not the one who's going to get canned tomorrow.

Listen, Frankie.

You don't have to care about what Kate thinks.

Let me give you a word of advice.

Okay.

Whenever somebody says something that you don't like, just pretend that

a foghorn.

And that way, when they're talking, all you hear is a... You

should try it with Murphy.

That's what I did. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. I guess this is about to

cross over the line there. Murphy is my best friend. Oh, she is. Well, don't you

think she's a little mean to you? She did take your hotel room. Yeah, well,

that's because she wanted an ocean view.

Hey, wait a minute. So did I.

Murphy's not my friend.

Oh, Jim.

I've never felt so free.

Hey, Jim.

You know what Miller just told me?

Murphy's not our friend.

What?

No.

Murphy is my friend.

She's always doing nice things for me.

Like the time she... She... Murphy is not my friend.

Hey.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Don't shoot me. Only friends can shush other friends. He's not my friend.

Are you guys drunk?

In the words of Winston Churchill...

I may be drunk, madam, but in the morning, I'll be ugly and I'll be drunk.

Wait a minute.

In the morning... You know, you guys have really opened my eyes.

Really? Oh, yeah. Until this very moment, I never realized how stupid I

have sounded when I was drinking.

Hey, cool guy, she's over here. She's over here.

That's telling her, Frank.

Thanks. You guys are great. I love you. guys.

You know what?

After Kay fires me, I won't be senior guys too much. It's kind of bad. But

we can get together once a month and have a little cover soup.

So you know what Kay's problem is?

She doesn't know how you feel.

Indeed. You should tell her how you really feel. Now, wait a minute. I have

better idea.

I lost it.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to go up and tell Kay how I really feel. No!

Let's go!

Those extinguishers weren't so strong.

You got it, Jimbo.

Kay's room. It's my room.

Kay's room is two doors down.

You guys drunk?

Yeah, yeah. Where'd you get that idea?

I'm not wearing any underwear.

We're going to go yell at Kay. We're going to have a lot of fun.

No, thanks.

I don't think I'm fit to be seen right now.

Women in their makeup.

We don't care what you look like.

This is rule one. All right.

You know, guys, I was thinking, maybe this isn't such a good idea.

You mean banging on Kay's door and dragging her out of bed in the middle of

night so you can tell her what a wretched, contemptible excuse for a bus

It's a great idea.

Let's do it. All right.

Yes, Frank?

Hey, Frank.

How's your head?

Oh, you mean this pounding, throbbing, pulsating ball of pain that's sitting on

my shoulders?

It hurts.

Well, I got a great hangover remedy. It sort of tastes like honey.

If you poured the honey into a crankcase and drove for a few hundred miles.

Those two guys, are they still chasing you? Yeah, they were, but I lost them at

the breakfast buffet.

It seems their hatred of me couldn't compare to the thrill of creating their

omelet.

Last night, I did the dumbest thing that I've ever done in my life. I was so

flipped out that Kate was going to fire me that I actually went up to her room

to tell her exactly what I thought of her. You're kidding.

What'd you say?

Well, that's just it. I don't remember.

But what if I said something stupid?

What if I insulted her? Oh, God only knows what went on up there.

Oh, look, Frank, I'm sure it's okay. I mean, Kay knows that sometimes people do

things when they've been drinking that they'd never do sober.

Oh, I don't know. You really think so, Murph? Absolutely.

Here, drink this slowly, and if it starts to burn, that just means it's

Um, hey, I didn't say anything stupid to you last night, did I?

No, Frank, you didn't.

Good morning, everyone.

Wow, you're in a good mood.

Well, I called Miles last night. He told me he loved me no matter what I looked

like. Isn't he wonderful?

He sure is.

He also suggested I use tanning cream to sort of balance things out.

What do you think?

Great.

Morning, all.

What's with you?

Oh, he's not wearing any underwear.

How do you know that? What did you guys do last night?

Oh, man.

Here she comes.

Good morning, Murphy.

Morning, Kate.

Good morning, Frank.

Can I talk to you... Actually, Frank, I think you said quite enough last night.

I did, huh? Well, um... You know, about last night, what I said was...

It was... It was brilliant.

It was? Yes.

I've never heard anyone lay out such an aggressive and definitive career

strategy. Well, you know, my career is very important to me.

What part did you like the most?

Oh, it was genius.

The way you detailed the precise steps you were going to take to anchor the

evening news within a year.

But what really blew my mind was how you planned to use it as a stepping stone

to... But why am I telling you this? It's your plan, Mr.

Ambassador.

Yes, yes, it is.

You didn't happen to write down any of this stuff that I said last night, did

you? Oh, Frank, you're so funny.

And as far as what went on after the talking stopped, don't worry.

It'll be our little secret.

So how'd it go?

Well, um, good, good.

Apparently I, um... Had a plan to attain every dream I ever had.

And I don't know what it is.

And, um... I think I slept with Kay.

Oh, come on, Frank. She's just messing with you. First of all, you have a plan?

And second of all, about that other thing, I doubt it ever happened. And in

unlikely event that it did, who's gonna know?

Hey, Frankie.

Heard you slept at the Big Kahuna last night.

Frank, I know you think that complimentary fruit basket the hotel

room was meant for you, but I'm sure it was meant for me.

You're a genius, man.