Original subtitles

So you see, Jim, my Uncle Al has taken a turn for the worse. And, well, there's

the song I used to sing for him when I was a little girl. And, well, he wanted

me to sing it one last time. So I won't be able to go to your party, but I'll be

with you in spirit.

How's that?

Not bad.

Not bad? Come on, it's the perfect excuse. Plus, it gets me out of Jim's

salute to statehood party. No more fun facts, no more awful party games.

I don't believe you, Murph. You know how important this party is to Jim. I mean,

come on, it's one night a year. The least you could do. You don't have an

excuse, do you? Nope, not a one.

I'm thinking of going with, you know, high school reunion.

Or maybe some type of fungus.

Those sound good.

Really good.

Okay, all right. So I'm not as good at deceiving people as you.

What can I say, Frank? It's a gift. You've got to learn to lie from here.

I'm really excited about my high school reunion.

I'm sad that I have a fungus.

Hey, Corky, have I tried out my Jim excuse on you yet? Yeah, yeah, Uncle Al,

term for the worst, be there in spirit, I've heard it.

You know, Murph, I have a feeling Jim's party isn't going to be as bad as it

usually is.

A little birdie told me that Jim just might be saluting Louisiana this year.

Oh, gee, Corky, thanks for the tip.

I'm sure playing a party game called Famous Guy's Name Bubba will make it an

evening.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, Kay.

Hi, Kay.

So, are you going to be going to Jim's party?

Oh, I don't know. It sounds kind of boring.

Boring? Oh, no. The fun facts, the party games. Trust me, you're going to hate

yourself if you miss it. Really? Wow. Well, thanks for setting me straight,

Murphy. My pleasure.

See, Frank, from here.

Well,

I can see everyone is in a high state of excitement about Sunday night. All

asking yourselves the same question.

Which lucky state will have the honor of being saluted this year?

Whatever it is, I'm sure I'm really going to like it. Well, let's get right

it, then. This year, Doris and Jim Dial are proud to be saluting everybody's

favorite state, Hawaii.

Hawaii? What the hell happened to Louisiana?

Doris said it was a shoo -in. Oh, I'm sorry, Corky.

But Doris doesn't make all the decisions in the Dial household.

However, as a consolation, Louisiana was the first runner -up. So if for any

reason Hawaii shouldn't... Yeah, yeah, I was Miss America, Jim. I know how that

crap works.

Uh, Jim, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I'm going to have to miss your

this year.

Oh, dear.

Uh, yeah, you see, it's just that...

Well, I've got this... Oh, I'll be there.

Oh, Kay.

Say, Kay, Jim's here. Wasn't there something you wanted to say to him about

party? That's right. Thanks, Murphy.

I would love to come to your party, Jim.

Unfortunately, my Uncle Al has taken a turn for the worse.

There's this song I used to sing to him, and he wants to hear it one last time.

I understand.

Maybe next year.

That's my excuse. You stole my excuse.

Next time you rehearse something in the ladies' room, you might want to check

under the stalls first.

I told you I checked all the stalls. I didn't see anyone.

I bet she was standing on a toilet.

That J is a crafty one.

Oh. Oh, my God. What happened here?

Well, let's see. We're firemen. There's lots of smoke.

Is everyone all right? Everyone's fine, ma 'am.

Now, that was a good question.

Aloha. Oh, hello, everyone. What happened here?

Oh, it's nothing serious, Frank.

Just had a tiny little accident.

Actually, someone set a tiki torch a bit too close to the curtains.

But that's neither here nor there. The important thing is, we're fine. Oh,

thank goodness. Sorry about the party. We'll see you next year. Oh, we'll bring

you a guest in the party, wouldn't we, dear? Oh, no. We wouldn't let a little

thing like fire and smoke and water damage get in the way of tradition.

All right.

Gather around, everyone.

Gather around. Gather around. Come on. Grab a seat.

Sit, sit, sit.

And let's get right into the fun yet informative facts you've all been

for. Now, as you can see, I'm dressed in the traditional aloha shirt.

And I am wearing the traditional batik sarong.

Yes, the batik sarong is quite authentic.

Now, according to Hawaiian tradition, a flower worn over the right ear indicates

that a woman is available.

Oh, great.

Maybe this year that dreamy John Sununu will finally notice me.

The left ear indicates that a woman is taken.

Uh, Doris, it seems you've accidentally placed your red hibiscus, Hawaii's

lovely state flower, over your right ear.

Uh -huh. Well, if you'll excuse me, everyone.

Now, to answer the question you've all been waiting for, what is poi and how is

it prepared?

Well, you won't get poi out of a jar. Oh, no.

In fact, for just one bowl of smooth, creamy poi such as this, a large

man must straddle a plank between his legs and pound a pile of cooked taro

until he's oozing sweat from every pore.

Try some.

Oh, no, no, not that hungry. It's not going to happen.

Jim, did you put these napkins back in the kitchen?

No, not that I recall.

Really, because I know I brought them out here. Well, I guess someone just

them back into the kitchen.

But if you say you didn't do it, I believe you. Yes, just as I believe that

torch pranced across our yard all by itself and set my beloved woodshop

Maybe we really ought to get going. Yeah, you know, it's been a long day for

you. Oh, none since the night is young. Please, have some Maui Madness Punch.

But none for you, Slugger. There's a whole tablespoon of rum in there.

So do you think this is serious?

Oh, no, I'm sure all they need is a few quiet moments alone to collect

themselves, that's all. What the devil do you think you're doing out there,

woman? Me? What about you? You're acting like this whole thing is my fault.

Oh, am I? Well, you know what they say.

Oh,

oh, I hope you're not leaving.

Oh, definitely not.

Splendid, because it's party game time.

Oh.

Now, I'll name a volcano.

And someone shouts out if it's active or inactive. Jim, could you come into the

kitchen, please? We need to discuss the pineapple.

In a minute.

Okay.

Poo -oo -coo -coo -ee.

Active or inactive?

Don't bother answering. It's a trick question. Poo -oo -coo -coo -ee is a

mountain peak.

Oh, I see there's still plenty of poi left. Anyone need a refill?

Jim, we need to discuss the pineapple in the kitchen now.

When the guests have had some poi. Eat the damn poi.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh,

it tastes like feelings.

Where are my fingers?

While I'm in here dealing with the pineapple, why don't you all

get started with the Huna lessons?

Or hula teacher.

But you can call me Tiny Bubbles.

So, who wants to learn the hula? Oh, not really.

Oh,

and what would you have us do? Don't you walk away from me. I'm not about to let

you carry that heavy platter all by yourself.

Well, dig in, everyone.

Oh, by the way, did you know that the early Hawaiians would present visitors

with a fresh pineapple as if to say, Hello, friend. Welcome to our happy

Get in here now, Jim Donovan. In a minute, I want to get them started with

hula lesson. To tell you the truth, Jim, we don't really feel like... Dance!

Let's hula!

This hula tells an ancient story of a king and his beautiful princess,

You're a jackass, you're not.

The king then recites the kauna, the deep words of love his Haldini has been

waiting for her whole life to hear.

That is the biggest load of dung I've ever heard.

At this point in Abdullah...

A lucky dancer is assigned the traditional honor of digging the emu,

where we roast the pig.

Now, who would like to do the honors?

Are you nuts? It's freezing outside and you want us to go dig some stupid hole?

I'll tell you something else, Gentile. You sicken me. Well, I sicken you. You

sicken me. I'll dig it. Let me have that.

Gosh,

that was just so weird. the party last night, wasn't it? It felt so unreal.

Jim and Doris fighting. Jim being so unreasonable.

I mean, who would have thought it?

Well, I don't know. Sometimes these things can just sneak up on you.

It sure did with my second husband and me. For years, I had no idea anything

wrong. And then one day, it hit me like a shovel in the back of the head.

What was it?

A shovel in the back of the head.

He and his girlfriend were trying to kill me for the insurance.

But it all worked out in the end. I got the house and he got the chair.

Love's funny, isn't it?

Good morning, everyone.

Lovely day, don't you think? I brought some leftover pork from the party.

Jim, you're sure in a good mood.

Why wouldn't I be?

Oh, oh, I see you're referring to that little contretemps between Doris and me.

Well, you'll all be happy to hear that Doris and I have worked everything out.

And if any of you need to reach me, I've moved my things out of the house. I'm

now living at the Pinewood apartment.

I've had these change of address cards printed up. You'll notice they're pre

-cut and should fit very easily into your Rolodex.

I know this is hard on all of you. It's not pleasant for me either.

But knowing that I have the support of my dear friends, I can weather this

storm. Absolutely.

We're here for you. Thank you all. And I apologize for that little scene at the

party.

Did you believe Doris's behavior?

I mean, using that joyous occasion to accuse me of being rigid, stiff, and

inflexible. I mean, is that woman not the most twisted human being on the face

of the earth?

Well, I don't know if I'd say the most twisted.

What do you think, Frank?

Oh, what was the question again?

I don't believe this. You think Doris is right.

No, no.

Well, I don't care what they say, Jim. I think Doris was totally wrong, and you

can count on me 100%. Thank you, Slugger. You are a true friend.

Today.

Thanks, Slugger.

Murph, you said yourself Jim was being unreasonable.

Yeah, what's the deal?

told him a total bald -faced lie.

Exactly. Where the hell were you guys? What are you talking about?

Now, think about it. I mean, Jim and Doris, their marriage has hit the rocks.

comes to us for something to hang on to, something to keep going, and what do

you give him? The truth. Where is your humanity?

Now, you're right.

Jim can run his own life.

All he needs from us right now is our support.

You should have never told Jim the truth.

We're bad friends.

Bad, bad friends.

Yes. Yes, you are. And now you're just going to have to do something to fix

that. You're right. But, you know, if we can't look on the bright side, at least

we won't have to go to any more of them stupid state parties.

I'm a bad, bad friend.

That guy sitting in the lobby sobbing and repeating the name Sheila over and

over and over.

Well, hello, slugger.

Oh, hello.

I hope we're not interrupting, but Corky and Frank had something they wanted to

say to you, didn't you, Corky and Frank?

Uh -huh.

Look, Jim, Frank and I... Well, it's just that... I mean, the thing is...

Believe it or not, I rehearsed that.

But Corky's right, Jim.

We want you to know that we're behind you all the way. We always have been,

we always will be.

No need to apologize.

Please, come in.

So, um, this is your new place, huh, Jim? Well, it's great, huh?

Isn't it great, guys? It sure is great.

Great, great.

Great.

Say,

would anyone like a cola?

Sure. Cola would be great.

I really like what you've done with the place, Janice.

It's very homey. Yes, well, let me see about that cola. Okay, thanks, Jim.

Oh, man, it's depressing.

I can't stand seeing Jim live like this.

Yeah, and did you get a whiff of that hallway?

That's the scent of 2 ,000 single men whose only reason to bathe is date

You two listen to me. We have a plan, and we're sticking to it. As far as

concerned, everything is great.

Okay, okay.

Here's your cola.

Now, it may be a little soapy.

It's the first time I've ever used a dishwasher, and I still haven't quite

gotten the hang of it.

It's great.

Just the way I like it.

Let's sit.

This

is

nice, isn't it?

I could come back if I'm interrupting. Oh, no, okay. Come on. Jim,

I wanted to give you a little something.

Oh. Now, this little fellow is a tropical angelfish, a native of coastal

and he's very, very sensitive to his surroundings.

So you'll have to find just the right place to put him.

Oh, what the hell? Why don't you just flush him now?

Hey, Jim.

You invite us into your party? Good to see you, Red and Eddie. Everyone here

two of my neighbors, Red and Eddie.

So come to check up on your boy, huh?

Well, don't you worry about Jim. He's one of us now.

We stick together here at the Pinewood. Though, to be honest, I'm not sure how

much longer I'm going to be here.

Any day now, my ex is going to wake up and come to her senses.

Really? How long have you two been split up?

Fifteen years.

So, baby, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Well, I'm a Virgo.

I'm executive producer of a national news program, and I collect human ears.

Oh, you have nice ones.

I'll get it, Jim.

Hello? Oh, hi.

Of course he's here. I'll just get him for you.

Jim.

appreciate your concern, but I'm doing fine.

No, no. As a matter of fact, I'm doing great.

And I'm not the only one who thinks so.

Goodbye, Doris.

That's telling her, Jim. Yeah, you're really one of us now.

You know, Jim, I may not be the best judge of this on account of most of my

relationships have ended in acrimony and gunplay and subpoenaed dental records.

I don't know if you should have gotten off the phone like that. Don't you think

that was the wrong thing to do, Frank?

You know... Now that you brought it up, I think... No, no. As a matter of fact,

I think that Jim handled that just great. Me too. That was just great, Jim.

Really great. Wasn't that great, Murphy?

No.

No, it wasn't great at all.

It was stupid.

What? Oh, open your eyes. Jim, Doris was offering you a way back into the

marriage, but you're so stubborn and rigid and inflexible that you're

it away.

And for what? For flat, soapy colas and stinky hallways and a one -way ticket to

Loserville? Hey!

So you think Doris was right, too?

Yes, Jim. Yes, I do.

I see.

Well, if you're quite finished, I have some laundry to attend to.

Hey there, Jim.

So, doing your laundry, huh?

I think the last time I was in a laundry room was when I was in college.

It changed a lot since then.

Environmentally safe detergent.

Ozone -friendly spot removers.

Well, the world's still a mess, but laundry room seems to be a safer place

be.

Okay, Jim, look, about what I said before, I... Oh,

it didn't mean to interrupt, folks. Just make believe I'm not here.

Oh, Eddie, I don't think that's yours. Huh?

Oh, I know.

I just need underwear.

Look, Jim, I want to apologize for what I said before.

I was way out of line, and, um...

Whatever you decide to do, I'm behind you 100%. Is that how you really feel?

Absolutely.

So, what do you say we go back up to the apartment? I'm dying to try some of

that flat, soapy cola everyone seems so happy about.

So, you're saying Doris is being unreasonable?

That she has no right to expect the man she's been married to for 36 years to

listen to her needs?

to accommodate her once in a while, to, God forbid, bend a little every now and

then? Is that what you're saying?

Yes.

No.

What do you want to hear, Jim?

I wish I knew.

Lord knows Doris deserves to be happy, but Lord knows I deserve to be happy,

too. The thing is, I'm just not sure anymore if we can be happy

together.

Jim, maybe you guys just had a bad night. Oh, no, it's not just about one

It's something that's been brewing for years.

More and more, Doris has the urge to try new things and then to make changes.

I, on the other hand, have never been happier with the way things are.

I'm comfortable with the order that I've imposed on my life. It's like this

laundry, black socks and this pile of white T -shirts and that one and

everything in its place.

What do you think, Slugger? Do you think I'm being foolish?

Oh, gee, Jim, I don't know.

You're asking advice from someone who, until ten seconds ago, didn't know you

were supposed to separate your laundry.

But I guess a phone call to Doris wouldn't be the worst thing you could do

now.

Yes, I suppose.

And, Jim, I really do apologize for what I said before. I really mean it this

time. Whatever you decide to do...

I'm behind you 100%. I know, Slugger.

Thank you.

So what do you say we get back to the party?

Quite right.

Well, Jim, I know I'm no expert on this laundry thing, but I don't think those

are done.

Oh, I know. But something tells me Eddie may need some pants, too.

Oh, well, perhaps I should tell you in hula.

This is the story of a man and his kuakukui, or cheating bitch of a wife.

One day, a kumakula, or hula teacher, comes home to find his beautiful wife in

bed with his monapua, or lying rat bastard of a best friend.