Original subtitles

Oh, Miss Brown, Kay just called. She wanted to know what you thought of the

editing changes she made to your Clinton piece.

Oh, well, I just had one little overall thought.

No, nothing ignorant overbearing. You know, Murphy, you're not the only one

Kay's been messing with. Yesterday, when I was on the phone with Miles, she

actually interrupted me to tell me no personal calls on company time.

For all she knew, I could have been making those moochie -kissy noises to a

important interview subject.

Hey, tell me about it. She says the budget is getting out of hand, and then

accuses me of stealing office supplies.

You do steal office supplies.

Oh, come on. Everybody takes a little paper, a few highlighters, a box of

pushpins, fax machines.

The woman is out of control.

Yesterday, she told me that my on -air wardrobe was too stodgy.

Then this morning...

I found this on my desk.

You're kidding. She bought you a tie?

It's, uh, Jerry Garcia.

Next thing you know, she'll have me sitting at the anchor desk wearing a tie

-dye headband and smoking a doobie.

Ah, good morning, people.

Oh, yeah.

Due to the problem we're having with disappearing office supplies, I've asked

security to stop everyone in the lobby for a routine search.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, and Frank.

If they catch you with so much as a paperclip in your pants, you're going to

find some very cold hands in some very warm places.

You know, Kay, it's no secret that there's been a lot of tension between

me lately.

So maybe it would be healthy if we just took a moment to air our differences.

You know, have a little heart -to -heart.

Why don't I go first?

Back off!

Why don't I go next?

Oh, gee, Stan, you're a little early for our lunch, but what the heck, I've got

a lot to get off my chest.

It's just going to have to wait, Murphy.

I had to fire the producer of my afternoon talk show.

We had some creative differences.

I thought it would be better if the show didn't suck.

So, I'm going to be in meetings all day finding a replacement.

Oh, well, that's great, Murphy. Now that you're free, we can go right back down

to editing and start shredding your piece for next week.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I say shredding? What I meant to say was...

No shredding was right.

Listen to me. What you know about producing a television show could fit

Could fit very well with Stan's new talk show. Stan, you should get Kate to help

you fix your new talk show. Wait a minute. I'm getting an idea here,

Why don't you help me fix my new talk show?

Well, hold on, Stan. I've got my hands really full right here at FYI.

That's a good point.

Well, although, Stan, it would just be one more show. Well, two if you wanted

pitch in at Letterman. He's in New York, you know.

That's a good point.

I'd love to help, Stan, but you pulled me off FYI, and you could jeopardize

entire Wednesday night lineup.

That's a very good point.

Although, if you don't get Kay to help you with your new show, you could wind

like that network executive Bud McCracken, the guy who took the fault of

Sajak show debacle. What's all Bud?

Oh, yeah, it's much better, Miles.

I mean, Kay's barely even here.

It's just so great not having her around all the time, constantly sticking her

nose into everything.

I mean, we're professional journalists.

Playing through!

All right, Matthew.

All right, I'm on the fringe, about six feet from the hole. Now, what do you

think I should go with, my umbrella or the yardstick?

Well, the linoleum does have a slight downhill break to the left.

I'd go with the yardstick, got it?

Well, I just finished editing my piece without any interference from you -know

-who. And, well, I don't like to brag. That's not my way. But when you see it,

just remember, I am not a god.

Morning, all.

Thank you. Let's go.

Did a little shopping, Jim? Yes. I decided to celebrate my liberation from

purchasing a tie.

Jim, that's exactly the same as the tie you have on.

Well, you know, when the cat's away.

We've got five minutes before I have to get back to the talk show.

So, about next week's FYI.

Oh, that Stan.

He beeps me every time he gets a new idea for the show.

And you find that sort of behavior annoying, do you?

No, I don't. You see, that's the difference between you and me, Murphy.

at all threatened by my superiors. In fact, I consider Stan a great partner.

Now, about next week's show.

Stan again.

The man is a perfectionist.

A stickler for detail.

I can hear you, you compulsive lunatic. I hear you, I hear you, I hear you. I

hear you, I hear you, I hear you.

Would you excuse me for just a moment?

Where is she? Where's Kay? I've been peeping at her for... Ten minutes. We've

got to discuss who's going to host the new talk show. Look at this. A bunch of

lousy audition takes I've got to choose from. Come on, Gilbert Gottfried. Give

me a break already.

What Toya Jackson life is too short.

I think she's saucy.

Look, don't you fret, Stan. If anyone's going to find your host, you know it's

Kate. You've got to give her another couple of weeks.

Or months. Or years.

Boy, we really admire her.

Of course you do. The woman's a dynamo. But even she can't crack this nut.

I have no other choice.

I'm going to have to cancel the talk show. You can have your K back.

I don't understand.

Come on. There's got to be a host in this pile.

Ah, Carrie Strug. She's cute and spunky and she has that pipsqueaky voice

America just loves.

Picture it.

Carrie!

I get it. She's so diminutive.

I mean, we tried her. We stood her on boxes. We shortened the furniture. You

know, but they were the logistical nightmare.

Well, you can't give up, Stan. There's got to be someone in here you can use.

Trust me, there's no one. They all stink. I could do a better job than any

those loxes.

Yes.

You could. A much better job. What a great idea.

What are you talking about? You could host the show. I mean, you're charming,

you're handsome, you're witty.

Yeah, well, that's true.

Of course it is. And don't tell me you've never dreamed of performing,

Come on, admit it. Well, yeah. You know, I emceed my college fraternity talent

show. But I was drunk and blindfolded and my pants were down around my ankles.

You'd be a great host. I'm telling you, I sense something really big here.

What do you think, Fontana?

Well, it does sound a little silly.

What the hell do you mean by silly?

I've been funny. You know, I once made Alan Thicke laugh so hard that beets

out of his nose.

Wow. Beets.

That's right.

I should be a great host.

Watch out.

Say, Jim, where did you grow up?

Oh, Illinois.

See, I'm a natural.

You sure are. Oh, Stan, you've just got to do this. I mean, the thought of you

hosting a talk show that Kate could be off producing for years and years and

years, well, now you're getting me all excited.

You know what? I'm going to do it. I'm going to host the talk show. Absolutely.

And you know what? If you need, I can be your Ed McMahon. You know, help out,

keep things moving along. Oh, I get it. You mean like my sidekick.

Exactly, your sidekick. I hate sidekicks.

Okay.

My hate is pouting worse.

All right, you could toot your little saxophone in my band.

Yes, ma 'am.

Excuse me.

Listen, I have looked at everybody. I just don't think we're going to find a

host. What do you say you just pull the plug and let me get back to running FYI?

Forget about it, baby. We got ourselves a host and you're looking at him. You?

You're going to host the show?

How did you come up with an idea like that?

Oh, well, does it really matter? My idea, Stan's idea, my idea. The

thing is that the show will be back on the air from Monday through Friday.

that great?

It's great. We have no time to talk. I knew what you were going to say. Yes,

going to play the drums.

We're going to get a lot of guest stars. You're going to love it. We're going to

get princess style.

We're going live in one minute, Kay.

Okay.

I've hired the best writers, the best crew. I even got Tom Hanks to be our

guest. It's all in God's hands now.

The same bitter, vengeful, cold -hearted God who dumped me in this stinking

show.

Hey, look at this set. Look at this crowd. Is this exciting or what?

What's with the costume stand?

Oh, this is for the Lone Ranger bit we're going to do. Lone Ranger? What

happened to the Ross Perot Christmas sketch?

Ross Perot sitting on Santa Claus's lap is not funny.

But the low ranger getting a massage from a scantily clad, big -breasted

now that's funny.

Okay, it's not funny, but we're doing it.

Fifteen seconds, everyone.

Fine, it's your show.

Do the naked rub -down sketch.

Make sure he lies on his stomach.

Okay, people, we're going live in five, four, three, two...

The entertainment capital of the world.

A man who's just so darn cute, they gave him his own network.

It's... Let's dance!

I

got

blister on my finger.

You guys got to go to driving school.

Thank you very much. Come next week, see the new stagehands.

Anyway, let's get right to the jokes.

I got some hot ones.

I read in the news today that they have to put poor little Sox, the cat, in the

kitchen every time the vice president visits the White House.

It seems Al Gore is so wooden... How wooden is he, Stan?

Shut up, Fontana. I'm trying to do a joke here, for heaven's sake.

Now, Vice President Gore is so wooden that Socks the Cat uses his legs for a

scraping toast.

Wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no.

No, a scratching post.

Not even funny with my glasses on.

Let's see what else is in the news.

Let's not. Why don't you take a nap a minute? I think that I should go from

top of my head.

Have you people have mother -in -laws?

I get along great with my mother -in -law. You want to know why?

Because she's dead.

You get it? She's dead. Well, maybe we should do a story. A story is better. I

heard one at the club the other day. Let's see if it works without the dirty

pot.

This guy goes to a proctologist.

And he's got a boil on his, um, let's say his knee.

Here, take this quick, Lord. I want you to whack me with it till I lose

consciousness. If I ask you to stop, don't. Just keep whacking.

Hey there, stranger.

Haven't seen you around FYI lately.

So, is everything going okay?

Oh, just peachy. Couldn't be better.

Listen, let's go to the entertainment.

Come on.

What's that I hear?

Oh, no, not this.

I said, what's that I hear?

Send out the idiot.

I'd like to get to my first guest of the evening.

He's a movie star.

The lovable dummy gump, Mr. Tom Hanks.

Bad news. Very bad news. Mr. Hanks just lost a knee last night, didn't he?

Oh, yes, he can.

He caught his way past four security guards in two days.

Apparently, when his career's in jeopardy, he has a strength of ten men.

What's happening? Where's my Tommy boy? Sorry, Stan. Mr. Hanks had an emergency,

so he couldn't be here.

No, it's not like you paid to get in here.

Well, what am I going to do, Kay? Who's going to be my guest?

Well, listen, you're busy. Just have fun with it. Look who came by.

TV's top newswoman, Murphy Brown.

Welcome, welcome,

welcome.

What brings you here?

Well, Stan, I just stopped by to congratulate you on your brand new

show, so...

Congratulations on your brand new television show. Sit!

Stay! Take a load off. I mean, so, you're a world -renowned journalist.

interviewed everybody from popes to presidents.

So let's ask the question that's on everybody's mind.

How much money do you make?

When you hear this, I know the answer.

When suddenly all the alarms go off, would you believe it? We found ourselves

the middle of a full -blown prison riot. You know, it's funny you use an odd

word like prison.

Because I knew a dwarf who was also a psychic who escaped from prison.

And the headline read, small, medium, at large.

Get it?

So, anyway, we were surrounded by guys with clubs and guns. No, no, they're

wrong. Small, medium, at large.

I thought we talked about this.

If it's all right with Fontana, I would like to introduce our special surprise

guest. Oh, good. Then can I go now? No.

Now, from the hit CBS show, and I know that narrows it down,

she is beautiful.

She's charming. She's not here.

Jane Seymour's not here either.

What's going on here? I used up my best stuff.

Oh, I don't know. Personally, I don't think we've had enough fun with Murphy

yet. In fact, ma 'am, what's that I hear?

Good idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Dancing Lansing's doing the...

me. I thought the little fella needed some air.

Holy moly, didn't you see the teeth on that thing? Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize.

That skit stunk.

All you had to say was how.

I knew we should have done the Ross Perot sketch.

Well, I see by the old hand on the old stage manager that we're out of time.

Actually, Stan, you've still got two minutes and 43 seconds.

I can always do what's that I hear.

Why don't you just let Frank... Play something.

All right.

Sure, Stan. What would you like? I've just worked out a hot medley of some new

stuff. Not yet, you yutz.

I have to do an introduction.

The brightest thing about you is that jacket.

I did?

Well, if I told you to dump a bowl of pudding on your head, would you do it?

Well, no.

Well, you better, because I'm your boss.

Let's get a bowl of pudding to dump on his head.

I said pudding!

On his head!

Pudding on his head! Pudding on his head! All right, I milked it.

But now I know we're out of time, so see you later, America.

Wow.

Okay. Was that great?

What? What are you talking about?

Those last 30 seconds when we were trashing Fontana were gold.

Maybe we should change the show to Trashing Fontana. And every day we dump

something on his head.

You're still planning on going on with the show?

Oh, you don't want me to dump on your little friend.

Well...

Would Kay still be the producer? Because I think I could get over it. I mean,

with her brains and your talent and Frank's ability to absorb punishment,

show could go on forever.

You're right, Murphy, but I don't think Kay ever had the same vision of the show

as I did, so I'm sending her back to FYI.

What?

Don't worry about it.

They'll be fine. It's you and me, baby. We're going to turn this thing around.

What? Who's talking about you and me?

Okay, so you made a lousy tanto.

But there are plenty of other cultural stereotypes that you can play.

Now, I'm going to write down a couple of things for tomorrow's show. No, there's

not going to be a show tomorrow because the show today stunk. And it wasn't

because the audience stunk or the band or the writers. I thought I did pretty

damn well in that Lone Ranger sketch. You know why the show stunk, Stan? The

show stunk because of you.

What are you saying? A couple of minutes ago, you said with my talent, the show

could go on forever.

Was all that just a lie?

Well, it... It wasn't... Well, I... Yes, yes, she lied, Stan. She really did.

But only because she didn't want to hurt you.

She didn't want to crush your dream to perform, that liquor in your heart.

So, yes, she lied.

But she did it out of love.

Is that true, Murphy? You lied because you love me?

Uh, yeah, you betcha.

Wow.

So you really thought I stunk.

Not a lot of people would come right out and say that to me.

They always tell me things that I want to hear.

Always blowing smoke up my pants.

I like when they do that.

I also like when they tell me when I'm making a fool out of myself.

And I think I just did.

So I'm canceling the show. And now I'm going upstairs and call a meeting of all

my top executives because I feel like having some smoke blown up my pants.

All right. What the hell was that all about?

Why, Murphy, whatever do you mean?

Oh, come on, that good deed you just did. You think that because you did

something for me that now I'm going to owe you. Now I'm going to have to put up

with you butting in and interfering.

Well, it's not necessary, but if that's how you want to show your appreciation,

it's fine with me. Come on, let me buy you dinner, sis.

What? And then owe you even more? I don't think so. Not that I owe you

now, because I don't. Not a thing.

Nick at Night presents 32...

the high stairs. We have tremendous budget problems to talk about.

But first, watch that I hear.