Original subtitles

Well, well, what have we here?

My crack news team hard at work an hour early, and the boys in the lab said

those miracle work pills weren't ready for human testing.

Ashley Kay, we're just here trying to get some work done before Frank shows up

and starts talking our ears off about how great his girlfriend is. Oh, that's

right. Frank's not here.

I'll just have to up his dosage.

It's really getting quite annoying.

Ever since Frank rekindled his romance with his college sweetheart, it's been

Dana this and Dana that.

Remember the good old days when all we had to do was listen to Frank complain

about not having a life?

Do you know that yesterday he actually followed me into the ladies' room just

give me a rundown of all the pet names she has for him? I know. I was the one

flushing over and over again so I wouldn't have to hear anything past

Tushy.

Jeez, it's Trishy Boy. Hey, guys.

I had the most unbelievable night last night. Do you want to hear about it? No,

the chair. No, no, no, no, no. It's really great.

I'm on the phone with the director of the CIA talking about this undercover

piece I'm working on. Oh, this is about work? Oh, go ahead. Great.

So, I'm on the phone.

I look up, and the fluorescent light is hitting Dana's head. It's just killing

me.

Murph, can I have a word with you?

Sure, Frank. As long as that word isn't Dana.

Well, it was going to be, but I guess it doesn't matter.

Murph, I've never been this much in love before, so I think I'm going to have to

break up with her.

God, I hate when you do this. I tell you I don't want to hear you talk about

something, and then you say something so bizarre that I want to hear more.

All right, in ten words or less, tell me why you want to break up with Dana.

Well, Murph, she's smart.

pretty, so I don't see any point in us going on.

Okay, a little bit more.

Well, lately she's been dropping hints about us moving in together, and I...

commitment. Gotcha.

Okay, you can go now.

I don't know what to do, Murph. I'm crazy about her, but I'm just not sure.

No, really, it's okay. You can go. Bye -bye.

I want to do the right thing, but I think maybe I'm a little too close to

situation, so I was wondering, maybe...

Maybe you could go out to lunch with Dana and then after you could come back

tell me what you think.

Okay, I'll do that. Really?

Yeah, only do we have to have lunch?

Maybe we could go to Vermont for a week, you know.

Do each other's hair, take long walks in the woods.

Put the hibernating bear with a sharp stick so he can put me out of my misery.

Why don't you help me with this? I thought you were my friend.

I am your friend, Frank, but I've been through these lunch tests with some of

your other women before, and they're always a disaster.

Or did you forget Sarah?

Oh, come on. She wasn't that bad.

Frank, she asked me to stop at a convenience store, and then she jumps in

car, throws a ski mask and 20 cartons of cigarettes in the back, and tells me to

gun it.

I am just asking you for one lunch. Please, Murph, please.

Okay. Great.

But I'm warning you, she so much as looks at me funny, I'm carrying pepper

and I'm not afraid to use it. Hey, you don't have to tell me. I was with you

when you bought the stuff. The last thing I remember hearing was, hey,

think fast.

Come on, Murph, would you put this away? Dana's going to be here any minute.

Look, Frank, I don't even know why we're doing this. I can tell you exactly how

it's going to go.

I have lunch with her. I tell you I don't like her. You ignore me. Then

weeks later, she dumps you. I tell you there's plenty of other fish in the sea.

You feel better. Then you loan her $3 ,000 in a desperate attempt to sleep

her one last time.

So can I go?

Yeah.

Sure, you can go.

I mean, why should I expect any happiness in this nutty, mixed -up,

of a world we live in?

frank not the nutty mixed up crazy quote of a world speech all right

i'll do it i'm there for you because bottom line i'm your friend and you know

you can always depend on me okay miss brown i think i got the signal down you

give me one of these and i run over and tell you the joint chiefs of staff just

called they need you at the pentagon right away that was just a joke oh

dana hi

Uh, Dana, you remember Murphy?

Yes, of course. Hi, Murphy. Hi, Dana.

Now, Murph, make sure you put this on my tab, huh?

Don't worry, Frank. You'll definitely be paying for this.

Wow, I'm glad that we finally get a chance to do this. It feels great to get

spend a little time together.

Yeah. Could you order? It's not that I'm in a hurry or anything, but the veggie

platter is great. Everything is pre -cut. Hey, can we order? Oh, before I

forget, I brought you something. You don't have a snake in there, do you?

Because I've been down that road before.

No, it's something that I thought you might like.

Oh.

Oh, the collectible Thurber.

Oh, this is great.

But it's a first edition.

Wow, where did you get this?

Well, I work at an antique bookstore.

Oh, well... Well, this is terrific.

Thank you. And the best part is it doesn't have to be detonated in an open

by a squad of demolition experts.

It doesn't, does it?

Well, that all depends on how you feel about Thurber.

Well, this is very thoughtful. Thank you.

I have to say, you're really not anything like the other women Frank has

Frank's not like anyone I've ever dated either. He's very special.

Yeah, he sure is.

You know, I have to admit I was a little nervous.

You know, your opinion means so much to Frank. And if that's not pressure

enough, how about having lunch with a woman who's one of the top reporters in

all of journalism?

Oh, well.

You know, Frank's very lucky to have a friend like you.

I remember his best friend from college was so selfish and egotistical and self

-absorbed. Well,

he's come a long, long way.

Now, when you say top reporter, you're talking living or dead, right?

Junior said they left two hours ago. Something is bad here. Something is very

bad. Oh, come now.

Frank, Dana's with Murphy. What's the worst that could possibly happen?

You call the emergency rooms. I'll telephone the police. Frank, do you have

piece of Dana's clothing for the dogs to sniff?

I know.

By the time, what's not seen like the thing to do? But how cool could it have

really been if Shauna not played there? And country doing the fishing. What was

that?

Where have you two been? I have been worried sick about you. Oh, gee, Dad,

didn't we get the car back on time?

We were just doing a little shopping. We didn't mean to worry you, smushy

-tushy. A little shopping? Don't be so modest, Dana. At one point in

Bloomingdale's, we had so many commissioned salespeople following her

thought we'd have to get a parade permit.

You can really throw the plastic around, little lady.

Oh, go on. Well, I better get back to work if I'm going to pay for all this.

Oh, Murphy, any time you want to do this again, just give me... Right -a

-rooney. Thanks, Dana. It was fun.

Shopping, giggling, right -a -rooney.

I've never seen her could be a girlfriend before.

It's kind of spooky.

Indeed. It's one of those things you know is entirely possible, yet when it

happens, your mind simply screams that it's not right.

Like the first time you see that RuPaul in person.

He's gone.

You can drop the act you hated, don't you?

I knew it.

What are you talking about, Frank? It's no act.

She's smart, charming, funny. You finally got yourself a winner.

I do?

You're not just saying this now to make me feel good.

First of all, when was the last time I said something just to make you feel

good?

And second of all, she's perfect for you, Frank.

If you don't scoop this one up, you'll be making the biggest mistake of your

life. You really mean it?

Yes, I do.

Thanks, Martha.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to move in with Dana.

Oh, Frank, it's pretty straightforward.

Maybe I'll just hold off for a little while.

What? Why?

I don't know, Murph. I just feel like maybe, you know, I'm making this

too fast. I mean, look, what if I jump into this and I find something out about

her later that makes me regret it?

Like what?

Well, I don't know.

What if she can't swim?

What? What if she can't swim? Swimming is a very important thing in a mate.

Yeah. You're a salmon gearing up for a big night of spawning.

I do. I spent your whole life looking for Little Miss Perfect. Well, you're

never going to find her because you know what?

Nobody's perfect. I know that.

How do you think Dana's going to feel when she finds out about your little

idiosyncrasies? I pretty much told her everything.

Oh, like how you won't kiss a woman who's eaten broccoli until she brushes

teeth first?

Yep.

How you can't watch Pinocchio without crying?

Already told her.

The 15 years of therapy?

Well, that sort of came out during the Pinocchio discussion.

So let me get this straight, Frank. You're in here talking to me while some

other guy who doesn't have four months' worth of underwear piled up in his

bedroom could be out there sweeping her off her feet. If you really think I

should go through with this... The pile is taller than me, Frank.

I'm going.

I'm going.

Say, did you guys get invited to the dinner party at Frank and Dana's next

Sure did. You know...

Dana's really a good influence on Frank. It'll be nice to finally go to one of

Frank's parties and not have to bring our own soap and toilet paper.

Indeed. I'm just grateful to get an invitation from Frank that for once does

involve a sporting event, pornographic pay -per -view, or him weeping into my

chest and thanking me for not leaving him alone on his birthday.

It's just so weird, isn't it?

After all... these years, Frank is finally in a committed relationship and

a really nice woman.

Well, it wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for me. Yep. Before I

in, Dana was headed for the old girlfriend graveyard.

Maybe I should go into the matchmaking business because I really seem to have a

knack for it.

Wait a second.

Aren't you the one that fixed up Bob from Legal with Esther from Human

Resources? Yeah.

Gay Bob?

I see. And if it weren't for me, Bob would have been living a lie for the

ten years. And from what I understand, he and Chuck and shipping are very happy

together.

Morning, everyone.

Morning. What are we talking about? Oh, we were just discussing Frank and Dana

and the dinner party that they're not having at all.

Or rather, that they could have one day soon, if they chose to do so. Don't

worry, Jim. I got an invitation, too. And it would be great having you there.

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Oh, you got our invitations. Great. Well, I hope you're all coming. Ooh,

So, Frank, moving in together, throwing dinner parties, if I ever allowed myself

to show any interest in the personal lives of my underlings, I'd pretend to

happy for you.

Thanks.

We're all happy for you, Frank.

I'd put them together, you know. You?

Aren't you the one who put Gay Bob together with...

Well, I'm just glad you're all going to be there. Oh, by the way, can somebody

give me a lift home tonight? My car's in the shop.

Sure, Frank. What's wrong with it? Oh, nothing.

Dana's cigarette just burned a hole in the upholstery.

Cigarette? I didn't know Dana smoked.

Neither did I. But that's okay, because we're going to get some of those air

purifiers. You know, who knows? Maybe they'll even suck up some of the smell

from the cat box.

Oh, she has a cat?

I hate cats.

Now, dogs I like.

They're loyal, obedient, and you know they can be trained to tear open a human

throat with a single word?

I just wish Dana had told me earlier that the cat has to sleep in the bed

night, but, hey, nobody's perfect, right, Murph? That's right, Frank. I'm

of you. Why, the old Frank would have let a dirty ashtray and a couple of

hairballs bring down an entire relationship.

Yeah, well, the old Frank is gone, and the new Frank's life is just beginning.

Thanks, Murph.

It's like I said, I just have a knack. I can't control it. I can just try to use

my powers for good instead of evil.

Say, Patrick, have you ever thought of asking Sherry out?

No. Well, ask her.

I really... Ask her.

It's a gift.

Would you stop picking?

I'd like to arrive at Dana and Frank's with one leaf of lettuce left in the

bowl. Okay.

Ooh, crouton.

Murphy, I thought we were all... supposed to bring something?

Yeah, I did.

Dessert.

Well, since your hands are free, hold it for a minute.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Frank. Ooh, nice place.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, look, this looks like you really went to a lot of trouble.

Yeah, well, at least some of us did.

Murphy!

Just make yourself comfortable. We're going to be eating in just a few

Well, thanks, Jim. Oh, Jim, Jim, Jim.

You've got to check out this new recliner. It's got a built -in massager.

thank you, Frank. I'm sure it's very nice, but truth be told, I prefer the

-fashioned lazy boy with no modern gizmos or gimmicks or... Oh, baby.

Wow, Frank. You have some really nice things in here.

I mean, really, really nice.

Well, you know Dana and her shopping. Once she starts, it's kind of hard to

her.

Well, she did a great job decorating. I don't see anything of yours.

Hi, Dana.

Jim, I see you're trying out the new massage chair. Yes, it's wonderful. Can

go any faster?

Bless you, woman.

Anybody anything to drink? Oh, no, thanks.

You know what?

I didn't need to use the little girl's room.

Is it in here? No, no, no.

I thought you said she just had a couple of cats.

You know Dana, she has such a good heart. She sees a stray on the street,

has to bring it home.

Well, yeah, maybe a little, but like you said, Murph, nobody's perfect.

I know, I said that, Frank, but... Well, I've got to get that.

Would you hold Laverne?

Sorry I'm late.

I would have come earlier if I'd known I was going to have to catch my own food.

Okay,

do you want to introduce me to your date?

Not her date.

That's true, he isn't. Although, coming up in the elevator, he did suggest that

we stop in between floors and do the deed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a second. Who are you, kid?

Who am I?

I'm the kid who's about to kick your ass.

Hey, Ma.

Ma? Frank, did you know she had a kid?

No, Murph. Uh, Dana?

How come you didn't tell me anything about this?

Oh, I didn't? Well, I...

Well, I'm sure I did. Trust me, this is the kind of thing I would have

remembered.

Well, Frank, I'd like you to meet my son, Danny. Danny, this is Frank.

Hi.

Hi. I'm still going to kick your ass.

Danny, I was really surprised, but I thought you were visiting with your

I was, but the warden said that Dad had sort of started a riot.

Oh. And, you know, they don't exactly allow visitors in the home.

Oh, Jesus, Father's in prison? Frank, did you know that? No, Murph.

I work and I'm busy with a pig.

Dana McCall lived here.

Well, she's a little busy right now. Can I help you with something?

Yeah, you can get the hell out of our way. We've got some things to pick up.

Hey, what's going on here?

Repossessing for failure of payment.

She's been sent four notices.

Whoa.

That's one hell of an ugly baby you got there, lady.

Okay, pops.

Fun's over.

What do you say you and me go into the bedroom and hit the sheets?

I'd love to, Danny, but my parents would never accept you.

But this lady over here told me that she thinks you're kind of cute.

Oh, a chick with a pig?

What the hell?

I'm supposed to have him back in the bedroom.

Hey, that's right. We got to get the bedroom furniture, too.

Dad,

you busted out.

Oh, God.

Hey, Ben.

Is it okay if me and my friends crash here tonight?

Okay.

This is the guy who's putting moves on Mom.

Yeah? I'm going to kick your ass.

Here you go, Frank.

Can I get you anything else? Anything at all?

Oh, I'm okay.

Hey, thanks for being here, Murph. You're a real friend.

Well, I gotta say, Frank, you're taking this very well. I mean, you haven't

blamed me for any of this.

Well, it's okay. I mean, you're just trying to help.

Well, that's... true, and you were the one who forced me to have lunch with

Dana, so if you think about it, I'm not really the one to blame. It would be

more of your... Oh, shut up.

Oh, man.

Here she comes.

She's probably here to tell me her pig gave me anthrax.

Hi, Dana.

Hi, Frank.

Dana?

Um, I just have to get, uh, Phil Jr. wanted... Oh, what the hell?

I just don't want to be here for this.

Are you still speaking to me, Frank?

If you're not, I'd understand.

I really don't know what to say, Dana. It's like I never really knew you. It's

like everything I thought we had wasn't real.

That's not true, Frank. How we felt about each other really was real. I

know about you, Frank, but I haven't felt this way for a long, long time.

Dana, why couldn't you tell me about some of this stuff? I would have

understood. Yeah, right. That I have a troubled 17 -year -old and an

uncontrollable spending problem, and I was once arrested for stealing a car.

Wait, you stole a car?

Well, it was one of those four -wheel drive things that Lindsay Wagner does

commercials for, and I didn't have any money, and she's such a convincing

spokesperson. Anyway,

I was afraid to tell you all that. Well, you could have told me.

I mean, you broke up with your last girlfriend because she put too much

the manicotti.

Come on, that ruins the whole thing.

I guess I see your point.

Look, I know I have a few problems.

Okay, I have a lot of problems.

But if, um... I don't know if there was ever anyone worth working with.

say, do you think we could work on my problems together?

I'd like that.

So, is it safe to come back?

It sure is.

We're going to give it another shot, Murph. Isn't that great?

What?

I can't help myself. I love her.

No offense, Dana, because I really like you, and I'd love to have lunch with you

again sometime, but Frank, if you do this, you're nuttier than she is.

Well, maybe so, but you know what they say, Murph.

But he's perfect.

Let's go home, sweetheart.

Oh, do you think we should go out the back way?

Why? Well, my husband's standing outside and he'd still like to kick your ass.

Big Breakfast Burrito.

Where did Danny get the TV?

He said a priest gave it to him.

This NYPD rule is totally not real.

That is not how you shove a guy's hand into a garbage disposal.