Original subtitles

I'm Murphy Brown, and you must be my ne - Steve?

Murphy.

Merthala. Cool new do.

Very Winona.

Oh, man, what are you doing here, Steve?

What am I doing here?

I'm an agent, boobla, and it's contract time. Want to hear my strategy?

I make management squeal like pigs, you get rich. Sound good?

Yeah, there's just one little problem.

What's that? I fired you six months ago.

Fine.

Uh, yeah, well, technically that's true, but, you know, if I listened every

single time somebody fired me or called me a jerk or a moron or a leech or a

stupid, oafish, incompetent idiot with the common sense of a rock, well, my

career would be nowhere.

Your career is nowhere. I know, it's in the crapper. You're absolutely right.

You can change all that, Murphy, if you just let me be your agent again. Please,

please, please, please.

Please.

But why?

We were great together.

We were a perfect match. Now, you said so yourself.

I never said that. No, you never said that. That's a lie on my part. I've got

complete fabrication. In fact, there's something sort of pathological about

that, and I probably need some sort of medication, but I think that I could

probably make that work for you. So, what do you say, huh? No.

Okay, fine. Well, I guess then I'll just have to give one of my other lucky

clients this.

by the superior court... Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.

This is it, right?

Oh, my God.

These are the TVQs. Yes, pretty impressive, huh? Let me tell you

don't just let anybody get their hands on those popularity ratings.

Then how the hell did you get them?

Babe, when you're a big mover and a shaker in this biz, like I am, you

Okay, I was actually parking cars at a restaurant. I found it in the backseat

a Mercedes.

Hey, guys.

Look, Steve has our TV cues.

Really? Let me see.

Not so fast. I haven't looked at mine yet.

Oh, jeez.

Lordy, lordy, lordy. It just never stops for me.

Talk to me.

Look, I know you're talented, but that's what they're paying for at Parakeet Act

these days.

Come on.

Let me see mine. I gotta know. No. Wait, I don't want to know.

But I gotta know.

No. Wait, I don't want to know. Frank,

will you relax? If they're good, they're good. If they're not, they're not.

Yours are really high, aren't they?

Higher than a top hat on Shaquille O 'Neal's head.

Top of Mount Everest.

After the mountain has levitated 200 feet off... All right, Murphy, we get

They're high.

Yes, Slugger, it's unseemly to rub everyone's nose in your success.

Hey, you were both up 10 points from last year.

In your face!

Oh, look.

Stop pounding me, okay?

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Yes, I beat Bobby Batista.

I beat Flip Spice Man.

Whoa, I even beat Miller.

Oh, did I ever beat Miller? Look at this. Even Marge Schott beat Miller.

All right, Miller really took a dive.

Indeed.

Wouldn't it be something if these numbers meant that Bubblehead was

his way out? Oh, that would be so great.

Yeah.

Hey, man.

Hey, what are you talking about?

Oh. As much as we try to get rid of him, Miller is like a cockroach, a big,

blonde, dim -witted cockroach that women, for reasons I don't fully

seem to prefer over me.

That's right.

Miller is a roach. No matter how many times you try to whack him with a shoe,

he's still going to be there.

I don't believe this.

You can't just give up hope.

Hope is all we've got.

I don't want to live in a world without hope.

Oh, thanks, Miller. As many times as we try to get rid of Miller, nothing seems

to work.

Yeah, well, he's never been as vulnerable as he is now. Good morning,

Watch this.

Uh, Kate, quick question.

Um, let's say that a certain reporter's TVQ took a sudden tumble. What would

happen? He'd disappear faster than a free hot dog on fat guy day at Yankee

Stadium.

What did I tell you? Miller's as good as gone.

Miller. I thought we were talking about Frank.

Sorry, gang.

Lansing thinks Miller is a winner. Of course, Lansing also thinks it'd be a

idea to put Emanuel Lewis in the old Michael Landon role and call it the

little house on the prairie.

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. As long as Miller has Lansing's support,

he is here to stay.

Hi, guys.

Hey, I guess he's getting free sneakers for life since he snuck the word Nike

into his piece on Bosnia.

What are these?

Excuse me, Murphy, can I talk to you for a second?

I'm a little confused about something.

For the last time, Miller, yes, Picasso was a Cubist. No, that doesn't mean he's

from Cuba.

Actually, it's about these TVQ ratings.

Now, I'm no expert on this stuff, but mine seem, well, sort of low.

And, well, I'm about to renegotiate my contract.

Do you think I still should?

Renegotiate? Are you out of your... Yeah.

Yeah, I think this would be the perfect time to renegotiate.

Really? Because, you know, I was thinking I should maybe wait until they

up a little. No.

I came in here so I could stop you from doing something stupid. You don't want

to wait.

I don't? No, you're down, so that means they've got nowhere to go but up. Oh,

yeah, right, of course.

I don't get it.

See, it's really simple. Your numbers are low, so everyone is rooting for you.

That means you're the underdog. The underdog?

Yeah, yeah, the underdog.

There's even a whole theory about it.

It's called the underdog theory.

documented. Really?

I mean, Birdman, I made your little parakeet and I can break him too.

What do you know about the underdog theory?

The what?

The underdog theory. You know, the one that says that you renegotiate when your

numbers are really low.

That's so stupid.

I've never heard of that.

Wait a minute. You want to be my agent and you've never heard of the underdog

theory?

Oh, I'm sorry. The underdog theory. Oh, jeez.

Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry. No, you know, us guys that are in the biz, we know it as

the unterdog theory.

I understand my confusion there. But, yeah, no, no, sure.

Numbers are low. No better time to renegotiate. Sure, that's simple stuff.

wait a minute.

Brainstorm. Okay.

Obviously, Steve here is the expert on the underdog theory.

Unterdog.

Sorry. And Miller's numbers are at an all -time low.

Never been lower. I don't know. Maybe this is crazy, but what if you two

up? What? Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. In fact, I think you should go up to

Lansing's office and ask for... No.

Demand a raise right now.

Now you think you... Oh, yeah. You don't want those numbers to start creeping

back up.

Who's got lower numbers than you? Nobody.

Steve, who knows the underdog theory better than you?

Nobody. Well, then what are you waiting for? It's time to strike while the iron

is cold.

You want

how

much?

You heard me.

You have seen Miller's numbers, haven't you? Of course I've seen his numbers.

His numbers stink.

Exactly.

Not so well.

What could you possibly mean?

Well, for one thing, we didn't count on all the hitting.

That's too bad.

Sorry you got fired, Miller. Don't forget to write.

I didn't get fired.

I thought you said he hit you.

Yeah, but hitting isn't firing.

I mean, believe me, when you've been an agent as long as I have, you don't

forget that little lesson, my friend.

Well, hey, we tried.

No, no, no, wait, this should have worked.

Tell me everything that happened up there.

Well, um...

First, we demanded a big raise, and we told Stan we wouldn't take no for an

answer. And then we wrestled the letter opener away from him and ran away.

Stan is a wily one.

What do you mean?

Oh, well, I mean, it's so obvious. I mean, Stan used the classic

to the underdog theory.

Oh, I bet I know what you're going to do next.

You do?

I mean, well, let's see if you do.

You're going to go right back up there, but this time you're going to use the

classic counter -counter maneuver. You know, the one that says that if someone

pushes you, you push back twice as hard. The one that goes beyond just grabbing

a guy by the lapels.

You did grab Stan by the lapels, didn't you? Well, sure, I did.

Actually, it was more like holding onto his jacket while he threw me out in the

hallway.

Well,

at least you trashed his office and threw stuff around, right?

Tell me you didn't throw stuff around.

Well, we talked about it, didn't we? But, you know, we thought maybe we

let Stan cool down a little bit before we try anything. Hey, hey, you're the

agent. I mean, all that's at stake here is his career and your commission.

Hey, you know what? I think it's time for that classic counter

This is what we're going to do, Miller. We're going to march right upstairs to

Lansing's office. We're going to hit him. We're going to hit him hard. Run.

Okay. All right, that's the spirit. Now, who's about to become a very rich man?

I am.

Are you about to get 10 % commission from a very rich man?

I am.

All right, go get him. Okay, let's do it. Okay.

Well,

that's a handsome -looking family there, Stan.

Asian art.

Man, that baby's nice.

you guys doing?

What does it look like we're doing? We're negotiating.

Hey,

everyone.

Amazing news about Miller, huh? What do you mean, Kate? Haven't you heard? Stan

fired him. You're kidding.

I'm shocked.

I really wish I'd been there. Apparently, Miller and his agent charged

Stan's office, made these nutty salary demands, and when Stan wouldn't give it

to them, they started breaking things. They broke things?

It's almost like he wanted to get fired.

You know, I've only seen this kind of thing once before. I was producing a

called Winky the Harbor Seal.

And one day, Winky ended it all by jumping right into the killer whale

Some thought it was a parasitic infection that drove him to do it. Me?

I think the little fellow just swam too far too fast.

Well, I'll see you at the office.

Wow. I don't believe it.

Yeah. We're finally rid of Miller.

It's ironic, isn't it?

In the end, we didn't have to do a thing. The problem simply took care of

itself.

Well, not exactly.

What are you talking about?

You guys are really going to laugh.

See, I made up this ridiculous underdog theory. that his low numbers are good?

Then I convinced Miller and Steve to go up to Lansing's office, demand more

money, and break things. Those two idiots actually bought it, and now

fired!

Maybe I didn't tell it right.

See, the reason he got fired is... Because he trusted you as a friend, and

used that trust to set him up?

Yeah, now you're catching on. It's funny, huh?

Not funny, Murph. How could you do that to Miller?

How could I do it? It's what we all wanted.

It's one thing to talk about wanting him gone, but it's another thing to go

ahead and actively get rid of him.

Oh, I see what this is all about.

You're all happy he's gone, but you don't want to get your hands dirty.

Well, they are dirty, my friends.

Filthy dirty. And there's no amount of soap on earth that can wash them clean.

It's so funny you guys are talking about dirty hands.

This morning a sewer line broke out back and I was up to my... Enjoy your lunch.

I think Murphy may be right.

We all share the blame for this.

Yeah. I suppose we do.

Finally. Which is why we should tell Miller what happened so he can explain

things to Lansing and maybe get his job back.

What? Now you're just talking crazy talk. No, no, Slugger. It's the right

to do.

At the very least, the poor devil deserves to know the truth.

You're right.

Let's go find him.

Come on, Murph, you coming?

Why? So I can see the ridiculous expression on Miller's face when you

there's no such thing as an underdog theory?

Okay, I'm coming, but I get to talk.

Okay, I think this is Miller's apartment.

Are you sure?

Why would he be playing loud music?

Look at this place.

Yeah, there's no crying, no weeping, no moping around. This is no fun at all.

He did say Miller was fired, didn't he?

Yeah, well, maybe this is his way of hiding the tears.

All right, Miller, you bad boy.

We're just going to have to start the oil run down without you.

You want to join us?

Oh, thanks, but I really should. Okay.

Hi, guys.

Brewski, Big Jim. I think I'll pass on the Brewski.

We heard about what happened. We just stopped by to see how you were doing.

I really appreciate that, guys.

You know, I have to admit, it was kind of tough at first, you know, when the

cops came to break up the party. But, hey, everything worked out.

Right, Officer Mike?

I told you he was fine. Can we go now?

No, Murphy. He's not fine. He needs our help.

Do you believe her?

Hey, Steve -O.

Here's that champagne you asked for. Ooh, Dom Perignon, 1983.

Wow, this stuff cost $1 ,200 a case.

Wow. And there we go.

You just got fired, and this party looks very expensive. Shouldn't you be saving

your money?

Saving his money?

Oh, Jimmy, sweetheart, what you don't know about the underdog theory is a lot.

Okay, joke's over. Hey, honey, where's my pants?

Listen, guys, I really appreciate your concern, but you don't have to worry.

I got the underdog theory working for me, and it's about to pay off big time.

I mean, sure, buying that Ferrari emptied my bank account, but, hey,

still a little of the money left that I put aside for my kid sister's college

fund. College fund?

Don't worry, I'll put it all back when the underdog theory pays off.

All right.

Um, look, Miller.

When you were up in my office earlier, I may have made a little bit more of the

underdog theory than I should have.

Really? How much more?

Well, not that much more. I made it up.

Yeah, right.

If you made it up, how come a great agent like Steve didn't see through it?

What you're saying is true, and there really is no underdog theory. Well, that

would mean that I've lost my job for real, that I'm never going to get it

and I'm blowing every last cent I have.

Okay, everybody out. Party's over.

Hey, where's everyone going?

Home, Steve.

Everyone's going home. The party's over.

I don't get it.

Uh, Steve, I think what Miller's trying to say is you're fired.

Well, thank you very much, Jacko, but I believe I work for Miller.

You're fired, Steve. Oh, God, no.

How can you say that to me? After everything I've done for you? Oh, come

Steve. You ruined my career, and you let me blow every last cent I have.

Oh, great. That old standby.

I would just love it if just once a client would come up with something

original. So long, Steve.

You know something, Pally? I don't need you because I'm this close to landing

Peter Jennings, okay?

No, you're not. No, I'm not. Not close at all. I fell over him on the street.

Have you ever worked with birds?

I guess you're pretty mad at me, huh?

No, Murphy, I'm not.

Because it's all my fault. I mean...

I never should have believed you in the first place. I'm such an idiot.

Oh, Miller, come on. Listen to yourself. You're not an... I don't have to finish

this sentence, do I?

No, it's okay.

Actually, Murphy, you know, you've helped me.

I mean, you've shown me that if I'm dumb enough to believe that stupid theory

you made up, I don't deserve to be a journalist.

Nope. Nope. I'm just going to have to find some other high -paying job that

doesn't require being smart.

Or thinking.

Or, you know, brain stuff.

I can do that, right, Murphy?

I don't think so, Miller.

Oh.

Huh.

Oh, jeez.

Look, Miller, I've got a lot of contacts. I'm sure I can find you some

in journalism.

You'd do that? But I thought you said I wasn't qualified.

Well, you know, I wasn't taking into account all your special skills.

Yeah, like what?

Like being able to part your hair on either side of your head.

Yeah, and in the middle, too, see?

Sam Donaldson can't do that.

Yeah, well, anyway, I'm sure there's some news station somewhere that can use

you. You think?

Oh, yeah, I'll find you a job. Piece of cake.

Oh, come on. Por favor?

Senor Redfield is muy desperate.

That means very talented.

Yeah, yeah, thanks for nada.

You know what they say, what they say.

Um, well, they're going to go a different way.

Yeah, a different way.

Why don't you go ahead and say it? They're going to go the smart way.

Actually, they've decided to hire a burrow to read the news and then sort of

animate his mouth.

Damn, lucky burrow.

Hey, there's my little underdoggy. You know, I've been looking for you all

morning. Steve, I told you, you're not my agent anymore.

Oh, right. Okay. Well, then I guess I'll have to give somebody else all these

offers from ABC, NBC, CNN.

Wait a minute.

They want me? But Murphy said the underdog theory doesn't work.

It doesn't. This is insane.

There's the boy wonderhack. I heard about those offers from the other

I don't even want you to think about them. Can you do that? Not think?

Uh... Of course you can!

And I'm gonna double a salary. Nope, don't speak. I'll triple a salary if

what'll keep them here.

Oh, no, you gotta be kidding.

Why are we standing? Let's talk.

Hold on a second, Stanley.

We're not going to put our John Hancock on anything just yet, okay? You're

treating me like I've never closed a deal before.

Have you? No, I never have. Boys,

boys, come on. Let's go to the conference room and iron things out. A

stuff in there you could break.

Why are you doing this?

I have no choice.

Millie's the hottest thing in town. Everybody wants him.

Boy, that underdog theory is really something, isn't it? No, it isn't.

no such thing as the underdog theory. All you do is get low numbers and throw

things. Oh, there's so much more to it than that.

You know, don't try to figure out. Maybe it just might be over your head. It's

not over my head. It's out of my head. I made it up.

Stanley, come on. Let's go this way. She's just upset, and she should be. Her

numbers are up. Hey, listen, Murphy, give me a little ring -a -ding -ding

they go in the crapper, okay?

and I want it now.