Original subtitles

Hey, Dan, what you doing?

Oh, just drafting a memo.

To Dan, rather, from Jim Dial.

Regarding FYI, anchoring tonight's election coverage instead of you.

Dear Dan, you are politely requested to... eat my shorts.

I'm just glad I'm not on that stupid campaign headquarters beat. The worst

in 84 when Mondale was in complete denial about losing.

Around 2 a .m., he actually claimed victory and started handing out cabinet

posts. For a while there, I was secretary of the interior.

I have to hand this case. He really came through this time. I'll say. No one has

ever done this for us. I mean, Miles was here for what, eight years? And the guy

really worked his way into our house.

Life is good. We finally get to anchor the election. I finished editing my

for next week's show. And this morning I went to vote. It turns out my polling

place was a Mexican restaurant. So I got to participate in the democratic

process and scarfed out a delicious breakfast burrito.

Yes, it's quite a country, isn't it? And the best part of the day is still

ahead. This afternoon I'm being honored by the National Association of

Journalism Students who have proclaimed little old me the most influential

journalist of the 20th century.

Really? You?

I know, it's a tad premature, but what are the odds? that Stone Phillips is

going to knock me off my horse in the next four years. Special delivery from

network. And now a stranger's giving me fruit. This day just keeps getting

better and better.

Aren't you going to read the card, Murphy?

Well, what's the point? They all say the same thing. You're the best. Couldn't

do the show without you. Yada, yada, yada.

Oh, and here's the best part. You can sell back the basket.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, Kay.

Are you Kay Carter Sheffley? Yes, why?

That lady stole your fruit basket.

It's from the network.

You're the best. Couldn't do the show without you. Yada, yada, yada.

Ah, don't you just love fruit, Murphy?

Please, since when did she achieve basket status?

Look, I know we've all had our problems with Kate, but you better admit she's

doing a pretty good job.

Yeah, Murphy, you really should give her some credit.

Credit? Since when does that glory hand deserve any more credit? Look at her

there, hogging the spotlight. She's shameless.

Okay, people, everybody help yourselves to some fruit.

And then I want you all down at the studio for a run -through at four.

Run -through? We never needed a run -through before.

Uh -huh, and you never anchored the election before.

Coincidence? You be the judge.

Oh, you're just so proud you got us this anchor spot.

Well, you know, Murphy, I did my best to be ashamed, but I'm having the darndest

time trying to wipe this big grin off my face.

See? It's still there.

Oh, please. So you think this is all you're doing?

You didn't get us anything that our 20 years of experience didn't already earn

us. Am I right, guys?

Not really.

You know what?

You're right.

FYI, I would be nothing without Kay, which is why her esteemed colleagues

named her the most influential journalist of the 20th century.

Oh, no, wait. That's me.

have a fruit basket to choose anybody, you've got to earn it. Am I right? Yeah,

you're right. You're absolutely right.

Righty, right, right, right?

This building's really quiet. You'd think in the middle of a school day it

be more crowded.

I really don't use this old building to hold many classes anymore.

Right? Not many classes.

You do look familiar.

Well, actually, I was your secretary back in 1987.

Remember, I sweat all over your Rolodex and smeared your phone numbers?

I was your secretary, too.

You had that interview with Hillary Clinton, and I slipped a whoopee cushion

under your seat.

So you were both my secretaries, huh? Well, there's a coincidence for you.

Actually, Ms. Brown, it's no coincidence.

Robert, you were one of my secretaries, too. Wow.

What's going on here?

What's going on here, Ms. Brown, is that we, your former secretaries, have

decided to bring to an end your brutal reign of terror.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about recovery, Ms. Brown.

We are your secretaries, and we're here to help you.

of Murphy Brown's tyranny have gathered here today to confront you with evidence

of your misdeeds and to make sure you never abuse another secretary again.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me I fired all you people? It's not possible.

Actually, this is just our East Coast organization.

Victims of Murphy Brown West will be phoning in and sending email via our

website.

I get it. This is one of those wacky college hazing rituals.

Very, very good.

Where's my plaque?

This is no joke, Miss Brown. This is a support group.

And since I'm the one who's been treated the longest for PMDS, post -Murphy

-Brown syndrome, I will be leading today's intervention.

You? Yes, me. Why not me? You think I can't handle the pressure?

Because I... No, she can't hurt me now.

I am the master of my destiny.

Okay.

Shall we begin?

No, you can't just keep me here. Do you know what this is?

This is kidnapping.

Well, if you'd like to leave, you're empowered to do so. Oh.

Oh, great.

Sayonara, losers.

That is, you can get past the kind of crusher.

I am the demon of doors, the ogre of egress, the pit bull of passageway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the sultan of standing in front of things.

Look, Robert, this is a terrific idea, but unfortunately, I'm anchoring the

election tonight, and there's a very important run -through I have to get to.

So, um, what do you say we put this off to, uh, Friday? How's Friday for

everyone? Please, Ms. Brown, how stupid do you think we are?

Uh, I've got a dentist appointment Friday, but Saturday would be fine.

What do I have to do to get out of here?

You simply have to acknowledge your dysfunctional behavior to the group.

Oh, is that all? Well, I do. I really do. You crackpots have really shown me

light. Bye now. Yay, we did it. Good job, everybody.

I'm afraid you're going to have to do better than that, Ms. Brown.

Oh, all right. Let's just get on with it. Okay.

Let's begin with the testimonials, shall we?

Why don't we start with this side of the room?

I work for Ms. Brown, and I did everything humanly possible to be a good

secretary, but it didn't matter. She fired me anyway.

Oh, come on. I don't even remember this guy.

I don't even remember this guy.

Oh, I remember now. All he did was mimic me. All he did was mimic me.

Thank you, Secretary 364. You can sit down.

Wait a minute. He was talking. How come you didn't mimic him? Wait a minute. He

was talking. Why didn't you mimic him?

Robert, this is ridiculous. It doesn't prove anything.

Oh, yes?

Well, if it's proof you want. We were going to save this for later, but, uh,

Secretary 191.

I worked for Murphy Brown on September the 11th, 1989.

Well, I believe the tape speaks for itself.

Tape? What tape?

Oh, boy!

My first day at FYI working for the world's most wonderful, unbelievable

person, Murphy Brown.

I'm getting the whole thing on tape.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, here she comes.

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, and why are you videotaping me? She's talking to me.

actually talking to me.

Oh, wow, there's the phone.

Um, are you going to get there?

Oh, this could be anyone. A senator, a prime minister, maybe even President

George Herbert Walker Bush.

Oh, well, I guess they'll call back.

So, boss, how about saying something to my future grandchildren?

Um, okay.

Stay in school, don't do drugs, and your grandmother's fired.

Wow. I saw what just happened. You must be really hurting. Would you like to

talk about it over, say, dinner at my place?

Wow, you've really opened my eyes. I can't believe I didn't see it before.

My hair looks much better short.

I can see you're deeply in the grip of denial, Ms. Brown.

Fortunately, we have plenty of time.

All right, who's next?

Tis I, secretary number three score and seven.

Me sick went down off the coast of Virginia and I was forced to seek

ashore. Curse be the fates that brought me to that infernal desk.

I had just left the barber feeling really good about my new look.

Then she fired me.

I haven't been able to hold a job since.

Hi, Bob.

You want to go next?

Murphy fired me

for

This can't be happening.

No, this can't be happening.

This can't be happening.

Oh, thank God.

Kate, Kate, what day is it?

November 5th, election day. Why, is something wrong?

Nope, nothing's wrong. Not anymore.

Murphy, by the way, I just want you to know that I was totally wrong before.

You and you alone are the reason FYI got the election coverage.

This fruit basket is rightfully yours.

Well, glad to hear you've come around.

I have.

I really have.

That's why I hired a juggler.

Hey, slugger.

Want to go scuba diving?

My gorilla is coming along.

What's going on?

Hey, Murphy, guess what?

for my final exam and I haven't studied all semester.

Murphy. Oh, this is just great. The network will freak. They'll take the

away from us and send it back to New York. No, no. I think you underestimate

faith the network has in our abilities. Just because Murphy is a few minutes

late does not mean they're going to pull the plug on us. Okay, people. They're

going to pull the plug on us.

They can't do that. I'm anchoring this coverage.

I'm sorry. I just overheard Kay on the phone. Oh.

And this fax came for you. What?

To Jim Dial from Dan Rather regarding FYI handing back... tonight's election

coverage. Dear Jim, who's eating whose shorts now, loser boy?

All right, troops.

Let's get this run -through started.

What? We just heard the network was going to bail on us. They were going to,

I told them Murphy was just trying to prove some petty little point. They all

laughed knowingly, said, welcome to hell, and agreed to leave things in my

hands. So, what do you say we get started?

Yes. Carl, you want to sit in for Murphy?

What on...

I'm in her seat.

It's everything I ever imagined.

Jim, why don't you kick things off by introducing our piece on polling

Fine.

Ann. How accurate are the polls?

Murphy Brown has discovered that the oft -heard margin of error is often not so

marginal. Murphy?

Percent.

I'm bringing you.

Thank you, Murphy. Next up, Frank Fontana.

It's as if by inhabiting her space, Murphy and I have become one.

As if we're two individuals with a single spirit.

As if... Murphy's in trouble!

No. It was just lunch.

Murphy Brown ruined my life. Murphy Brown ruined my life. She ruined my life

more. No, she ruined my life. No, she ruined my life.

We need to stay focused on the issue at hand, which is helping Murphy.

I was helping Murphy. No, I was helping Murphy. I was helping him. I was helping

him.

Gee,

I hate to miss even a minute of these riveting testimonials, but do you think

could go to the bathroom?

Do you think I could go to the bathroom?

Now, now, let's be civil.

All right, Miss Brown, you can go, but you'll have to be escorted by the head

our security committee.

Come on, you, and no funny stuff.

I'd like to use this little break to announce that those of you going on next

month's cruise to Bermuda need to get your deposits in by the 15th.

You know what? I can handle it,

Peter. They told me not to let you out of my sight.

Oh, come on. I think I can... They told me not to let you out of my sight.

Oh, wait.

Wait. I remember you.

You do?

Yeah. Oh, I don't believe this.

You know what I used to call you?

I used to call you the one that got away.

Really? Kind of got the feeling you thought I was a freak.

What? Where would you get an idea like that?

You called me a freak.

I wasn't serious. That was a joke. Boy, you were great. Why did I ever let you

go? I set your chair on fire.

Is that all?

And I...

Sort of pulled the knife on that Frank guy.

Oh, well, I'm sure he did something to provoke you.

Not really.

Well, anyway, I'd love it if you came back to work for me.

You mean it?

Oh, yeah. I mean, between my savvy and your proficiency with edged weapons,

be an unstoppable team.

So, what do you say?

Well... Okay.

Great. Oh, uh... I should mention I'm currently wanted in eight states.

Oh, good for you. Just give me a hand here.

Halt! We will not stand for this. It is forbidden.

You, back to the meeting.

You have disappointed us all.

All right, Miss Brown, let's go.

Wait a minute.

I remember you.

You know what I used to call you?

The one that got away.

Okay, if everyone is ready, we'll begin our role -playing exercise.

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, and you must be my new secretary.

Come on, what was wrong with that?

Oh, where to begin?

My new secretary, as if we were nothing more than your personal possessions.

Must be. As if we could have no other purpose in life.

All right, what would you like me to say? Try this.

Welcome, friend.

You are a valuable addition to our team.

Welcome, friend. You are a valuable addition to our team.

Good!

Okay, then he or she does something crazy and I say what?

Make her walk the plank!

Don't you see? That's the very problem right there. You just...

Take it from the top. What?

No, I'm not taking it from the top. I don't have time for this. You people are

all lunatics.

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait just a minute.

I'm not waiting just a minute. You know, I didn't fire you people because I have

a problem.

I fired you because you have a problem.

You, Hitler, you have trouble holding down the job?

Stop looking like Hitler.

You sweaty guy. There's an invention out. It's called antiperspirant. Use it.

You slow talker. Here's a job tip for you. Talk faster.

Now, you listen to me. I don't have to take this kind of abuse from somebody

like... Hey, you're right.

Thank you, Murphy Brown.

You've given me back my life.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Don't you see what she's doing? She's trying to

turn us all against each other.

Antiperspirant? I'll try it.

Maybe I won't have to sleep on that giant sponge anymore.

Wait, stop. No, no, no. We can't give in. We've got to be strong.

Strong must be strong.

The wench can't hurt you now.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Excuse me, Miss Brown.

What was wrong with me?

Hmm? I mean, I got a job the day after you fired me. And, well, I keep getting

promoted. So, why did you let me go?

Uh...

You know, you were the spitter.

No,

no, I wasn't the spitter.

Oh, you were the one who was afraid to come out from underneath her desk.

No.

Do you want to wait class?

Did you put on that obscene puppet show?

So you didn't do anything illegal, weird, or disgusting, and I fired you

giving you any chance whatsoever?

All right, three minutes, people.

Still no sign of Murphy.

All right, it's over.

John, get New York on the phone. We're going to have to throw the coverage back

to Rather. Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

Corky, now you're going to do your sidebar piece on why candidates prefer

ties over blue.

Frank, you'll be doing your phone interview with Walter Mondale.

Oh, joy.

And Jim, you'll still be doing your commentary, of course, but then I want

to say... No, no, no, please. Anything but that.

Back to you, Dan.

Oh, poo.

I'm here. Oh, please.

It's about time.

Where the hell were you, Murph? Yeah, you almost blew this for us. Oh, I can

explain. Listen, I was locked in a room with all my old secretaries, and a

wrestler was blocking the door, and a pirate. I tried to escape, but Hitler

caught me.

Honest. I'm here for you.

You don't believe me. I believe you, Murphy, because for one fleeting moment,

was you.

Listen, congratulations,

Murphy. You proved your little point. You are the star of FYI. That is what

wanted to hear, isn't it?

Well, yeah.

But it's been recently brought to my attention that I occasionally judge

too quickly. And maybe I was wrong about you, too.

Really? Wow.

And it was the wrestling Hitler who brought you to this... amazing

Well, no, it wasn't the wrestling Hitler. No, it wasn't a wrestling

was a wrestler and Hitler. Of course, it wasn't a real Hitler. I tell you what,

I'll get you that Hitler guy's number. He's not going to look like Hitler.

Hi,

I'm Murphy Brown, and you must be... Welcome.

You are a valuable addition to our team.

Wait. My spidey sense tells me there's a fax coming in. Oh, good for you.

Oh, what the hell?

You're fired.