Original subtitles

Hey, guys, check out this email I just got from Miles.

My dearest sweetheart, I cannot wait to feel my hot naked flesh pressing against

yours. Oh, wow.

I bet he meant to send it to Corky.

Oh, didn't you know? Miles and I have been stripping each other for the past

eight years.

What's he meant to send it to Corky? So this is what technology has wrought. A

world where a man's most intimate thoughts can whiz willy -nilly through

cyberspace to become the object of humiliating, childish ridicule.

So what else does it say?

Tonight, I will gaze into your eyes as we share a moment of ecstasy that the

gods themselves can only dream of. Like that time we did it on the glass table

at work.

Geez, I wonder if Pokey's seen this yet.

Move it, Pokey. I've got a plane to catch.

Sherry, run this tape to the archives, please.

Patrick, make sure Tucker gets these editing notes.

Gee, Gorky, you seem a little impatient.

As if you had something of great importance to do. Something the gods

could only... Yeah, yeah, I'm going to New York to hit the sheets with Miles.

that what you're getting at?

Well, yeah, but I was sort of hoping to make her squirm a little first.

Listen, Gorky, this night with Miles is very important to me. He's leaving for

Europe tomorrow, and it's going to be a long time until we're together again.

Wait a minute, weren't you and Miles together last weekend?

Well, yeah, we were together.

We just weren't together.

See? Miles gave Nana Silverberg a key to his apartment in case of emergencies.

Of course, she took that to mean she could just barge in on us any time she

wants. Believe me, once Miles' concentration is broken, it's just

Ah, good morning, my little worker ants.

That's just a figure of speech. I would never compare you to insects.

At least not after that sensitivity seminar those maggots at the network

me to attend.

We have a lot to discuss today, so let's get started.

Jim, care to join us at the table?

I'd rather not.

Murphy, here is your expense report.

Ka -ching. I mean, thank you.

All right, Kate, see you tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning?

Uh -huh. I'm going to New York, remember?

Oh, of course. This is your big night with Miles.

You can't go.

What? Hey.

supposed to mean? It's very simple, Murphy. If an item is highlighted in

that means I rejected it. If an item is highlighted in blue, that means I ran

out of red.

But, Kay, you said I could go. We talked about it last week.

Oh, I think I see the problem here. And that is? That you're totally unqualified

for this job. This is expensive.

Kay, this isn't fair.

You can't just force me to stay in town.

Now, Corky, I'm not forcing you to stay in town. I'm forcing everyone to stay in

town. What? Are you serious?

I don't know. I'm not doing this for my own sadistic pleasure.

Well, not only for my own sadistic pleasure.

You see, the Supreme Court is about to hand down a decision on affirmative

action, and I want you all to be here when they do. Oh, come on. They just

started deliberating on that last week. Yes, and anybody with an ounce of news

experience knows that news story's not going to break in the next few days.

Yeah, and that's not just because I want to have sex.

I see.

I suppose you agree with them, Jim?

Yes. Yes, I do.

So I guess it's one, two, three, four opinions I don't care about.

I'm sorry, you're just all going to have to deal with it.

Just like Murphy is going to have to deal with the fact that she no longer

an expense account.

You're canceling my expense account? You can't do that. I'm sorry, Murphy.

You're just going to have to find some other way to pay for Frank's birthday

gift.

Hey, does it make that talking toilet paper dispenser any less enjoyable?

Hey, how's business?

Well, you know, not too good. I mean, I'm trying to run the bar the way Pop

would, but I don't know how I made any money with this whole free food for

senators policy.

Free food for senators? Your dad never did that. That's what I was thinking.

All right, Mr. D 'Amato, party's over.

I can't believe Kay.

Who does she think she is, pushing people around like that?

Oh, geez, are you still on that? If you want a few miles, just get on a plane to

New York.

Oh, I can't do that.

I'm not like you, Murphy.

I'm not good at defying authority.

I mean, even when I was a little girl back in Louisiana.

Let me see if I can guess how this goes.

A relative of yours ignored some hillbilly superstition and was

killed by a swamp -dwelling creature.

No.

It was my next -door neighbor, Rhonda Betty.

She disobeyed her parents one night by crawling through a bedroom window to go

see a movie. And all they ever found was their half -eaten straw hat on a stump.

Ever since then, I haven't been able to defy authority or wear a straw hat.

If they thought that way during the Civil Rights Movement, their theme song

wouldn't have been We Shall Overcome. It would have been We Shall Just Sit Here

in the Back of the Bus and Be Thankful We Have Any Drinking Fountains at All.

I know what you're trying to say. Look, I tell you what. You feel uncomfortable?

I'll go to New York with you.

You can see Miles, and I'll do some shopping.

You still have your expense account, right?

But what if we get caught?

Get caught, please.

You ever notice when we work late, I'll go into my office and a few minutes

later, Jake the janitor will come out?

Yeah. But you never see him go in, do you?

Wait, you're Jake?

You guys wave, I wave back. Good night, see you tomorrow.

So what do you say? Are we going to New York?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, yeah, you're right. I mean, what would you really be missing anyway?

A passionate embrace with the man you love?

Sensuous rustle of silk as he seductively removes his Brooks Brothers

Moonlight reflecting off his hairless alabaster legs.

Okay, I'll do it!

Thank God, I was making myself nauseous.

Ms. Proud, thanks for straightening me out on that whole free food for senators

thing. Oh, that's okay. I'm glad I could help. Yeah, I mean, you don't even know

what I was thinking, you know? Popping a lost money hand over fist with that and

the whole free food for cabinet members policy.

More pasta, Ms. Reno?

Murph? Have you seen Murphy?

Does it look like I've seen Murphy?

Um, are you going to get that?

Does it look like I'm going to get that?

Murphy Brown's office.

Oh, hey, Murph.

Your new secretary?

Yeah, she just got here.

Well, I know it's the middle of the day.

Get used to it, Jack.

Yeah, hold on.

She'd like to talk to you. Oh, for crying out loud.

What the hell do you want?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

So where are you?

Oh, I'm not really feeling very good, so I'm taking the afternoon off.

be sick too. I guess there must be something going around.

What was that?

Oh, I'm just listening to a book on tape. Hey, you're Murphy Brown.

That I'm a character in.

Wait a minute.

You're on a plane. I don't believe this. Frank, would you relax?

Oh man, when Kate finds out you skipped town, she's going to take it out on all

of us. Relax, Frank. She's not going to find out.

Has anyone seen Murphy?

She's here.

We've got to come up with an airtight alibi.

Forget it, Frank. You're just going to blow it anyway.

Put Kay on. I'll tell her myself.

Frank, do you know where Murphy is?

No.

Well, you know, actually, now that you mention it, I think I saw Murphy down at

editing.

What do you mean? I think I remember my best friend. I would know about it,

wouldn't I? Oh, for Pete's sake. Why don't we go on down there to editing

she is? Oh, hello, Slugger. Wait a minute. Is that Murphy?

Murphy? Yeah.

heard you say Slugger. I did, but I call everyone Slugger. Hello, Slugger.

Good to see you, Slugger. Hi, what a pretty dress, Slugger.

You know, actually, now that I think of it, I think Murphy is in her office.

Is she, Frank? Is she really in her office?

It's worth a shot.

What in blazes is going on? Murphy, get down. She's on a plane to New York.

Lord, and I covered for her.

She wasn't in her office. You knew she wasn't in her office, didn't you, Frank?

You caught us.

Actually, Murphy's... She's stuck in traffic. She took a late lunch. Didn't

you to find out. Isn't that right, Jim?

Yes, yes. I agree, slugger.

Hello. Oh, hello, Murphy. Now, now, don't bother lying to Kay. She forced us

tell her about your late lunch and how you're stuck in traffic here in

Washington.

Hello, Murphy.

Hi, Kay. Guess where I'm calling from.

Oh, I don't know. The island of I Don't Give a Rat's Ass?

I need you back here right away. I just found out the Chinese dissident Li Shu

is returning to his homeland to face treason charges.

Oh, jeez. He's going home now? I've been trying to reach that guy for months.

Don't worry. You're going to get the story. I just arranged a phone

but we have to hurry. His plane leaves New York in an hour and a half.

Wait a minute. Did you just say New York? Oh, you've heard of it.

You know, Kay, the story sounds great, but your idea to interview Lee Hsu over

the phone, well, it doesn't sound so much like riveting television as it does

like crappy radio.

What are you suggesting, Murphy, that we actually get the interview on camera?

Oh, if only it were physically possible.

Oh, curse you laws of time and space.

KKKKK. This is exactly the difference between you and me. You look at a glass

and see it as half empty, whereas I look at a glass and see it as half full.

Are you telling me that you can get to New York in time?

Oh. I think I can manage, although it's going to be awfully expensive.

And I don't have any way to pay for it.

And, you know, it's not like I have my expense account. Look, if you can get

this story for me, you can have your expense account back.

Really? You'd do that?

Just get to New York. It's like I'm there already.

Have a New York camera for me at the airport.

Flight attendants, prepare for arrival.

What was that?

Oh, I got my Porsche during that whole talking car craze. Gotta go.

You know, Corky, I know we're being bad, but it feels so good.

You're telling me. I just stole four of those little airplanes, so, yep, we are

bad.

Good morning, everyone.

Oh, hey, Corky. Well, you look like you're feeling better. Indeed. It

the time you spent in bed did you a world of good. Oh, it did.

It really, really did.

Joy to the world.

All the boys and girls now.

Hey, everybody.

I'm back with an award -winning story and presents for everyone.

All thanks to my reinstated expense account and the good people at Hanukkah

Schlemmer.

Patrick, here's an ultrasonic mop propeller you've been talking about.

Sherry, here's a gel -filled eye massager with your name on it.

Okay, Mer, here's your alibi.

The traffic was tough, but you managed to make it onto United Flight 72.

They sat down next to a fat guy named Him.

who spilled his drink on you. Now, he's agreed to back up my service. Keep next

Friday night open. He'll be calling.

Anyway, when the train landed... Yeah, right, whatever.

Listen, Frank, here, have a leg hair removal system.

Now, what have I got for good old Jim?

Why, it's a 20 -compartment folding toiletries.

Don't try to bribe me. Your behavior yesterday was inexcusable.

In fact, you could learn a thing or two from Corky here.

So sick yesterday, she could barely lift up the phone to call, and yet today she

drags herself in here like the trooper that she is.

Okay, who wants Jim's toiletry bag?

She's in the deep blue sea.

Joy.

I need to talk to you. Hey, Courtney, we're bad.

Murphy, this one feels sort of funny about what we did yesterday.

Corky, how many times do I have to tell you if the airlines didn't want you to

take those little soaps, they'd bolt them to the sink.

It's not everything.

It's everything.

I lied to my boss. I deceived my friends.

Once last night, I faked it with my husband.

It was all so easy.

Kay got a fantastic story. I got my expense account back. And Missy and

Resources got a bagel slicer with a blade that never needs sharpening.

Well, I'm not like you, Murphy. It just doesn't feel right to me.

In fact, I think I'd feel better if I just went up to Kay right now and told

everything. Now, you listen to me, girlie.

I'm not going to have you blow this for me.

Anyway, this is all Kay's fault.

It is? Well, of course. If she hadn't given us that stupid order not to leave

town, you wouldn't have had to do this in the first place.

Yeah, I guess.

What, I guess? Come on, we're bad.

Yeah, we're bad.

All right, now say it like you mean it.

We're bad.

Oh, yes, we are.

Thanks, Murphy. You're right. I don't know what I was thinking. Yeah, well, I

tell you what. I'm going to go to my office right now and pick you out

special from Hammock or Slumber.

I'm bad.

Oh, Murphy.

To speed your recovery, I whipped you up a nice steaming mug of herbal tea with

lemon and honey.

Corky?

Oh, Jim, I don't deserve your sympathy. I'm a lying, lust -graced soap stealer,

and I'll be sipping herbal tea in a pound.

Corky, how do you think you'd look with an authentic Navajo knife strapped to

your side?

Jim, what happened to Corky? Oh, suddenly you care about your co

if you must know, she wailed something about soap and eternal damnation and ran

for the elevator.

Jeez, that little goody two -shoes gonna rat me out.

Okay, so what you're saying is it is odorless and colorless, but I'd need a

license if I were gonna conceal it and say a ring.

I'm gonna have to get back to you.

Hi, Corky.

How are you feeling?

Sort of.

Anyway, listen, about yesterday... No, no, it's cold in here. You better sit

down. And you know what always helps me when I'm a little sick?

Acupuncture.

Let me just get my needles.

It's been a while since I've done this.

That's all right.

Okay, listen, about yesterday, the truth is... Hi!

How's it going?

Fine, Murphy, and you?

I was just, whew, passing by.

Well, you look busy. We'll just get out of your way. Come on, Corky, let's go.

Stop it, Murphy.

I have something I want to tell Kay.

Now, Kay. Oh, will you look at that view.

Yes, sir. You can just see for miles, long and lonely miles.

Miles you won't ever get to see again, ever.

I don't care. You know, Kay, there was something I wondered if you could help

with. You mean your annoying habit of interrupting other people's

I know this person didn't show up for work one day because of some social

engagement.

What if this person worked for you, Kay? What would you do?

You'd probably fire her, right?

Now, Murphy, what kind of monster do you think I am?

Of course I wouldn't fire her.

Oh. I'd just make her life a living hell.

Tell me more.

You know, drive her hard, load her up with so much work that the next time she

had a chance to do anything social, the earth would be ruled by intelligent

bees.

Intelligent bees? Wow.

That's a long time.

That's a long, long, long time.

What were you saying about yesterday, Corky?

I just wanted to say that yesterday I...

Saw the young and the restless, and someone on it looked just like you.

And you came up here to say that?

Yes. All right, thank you for the update.

Great, let's go, Corky. Oh, Corky, before you go, I just wanted to say that

feel really bad about not letting you see Miles yesterday.

Well, live and learn, apology accepted.

I want to make this up to you. Now, I know Miles is on his way to Europe. So

after the show tomorrow, why don't you take a long weekend and go see him?

I'll even pay for your ticket.

You will?

And here, take my neck pillow.

I find this really relaxes me on those long flights.

Hey, can look her slimmer. Come on, let's go try it out in the bullpen.

I can't take your neck pillow, Kay, or your ticket. I lied to you. I wasn't

sick. I went to New York.

You what?

After Kay specifically told you not to?

Oh, I see. Well, Corky, as you can imagine, I am very disappointed.

I didn't expect this from you.

And I'm so sorry.

And, well, you should be.

And I can see that you honestly regret it. You can?

Because I do. I really, really do.

I know. So what do you say we put this whole ugly ordeal behind us?

In fact, why don't you take that long weekend anyway?

Oh, thanks.

I don't think Corky will be trying that again.

Okay, Murphy, I want the truth.

The truth?

How the heck did you pull this off?

I mean, here you are, stuck in traffic in Washington.

The story's in New York.

It's like a miracle.

Well, you know, I can't give away all my professional secrets.

No, come on. It's going to drive me crazy. I really have to know.

Okay, well, if you have to know.

Um, there was this plane, United Flight something.

Flight 72?

Because it would have to be Flight 72. Yeah, that was the one. And there was

this fat guy, Tim or Tom.

Anyway, he spilled the drink on me, the lummox. Oh, that's terrible.

A drink?

Yeah, a Bloody Mary. It was all over my blouse. So anyway, then I landed and I

went straight to my interview. And, well, there you have it. See you later.

Okay, thanks. There's just one little thing bothering me.

It's probably nothing.

But if a Bloody Mary stained your blouse and you ran right from the plane to the

interview, how come I didn't see your stained blouse in the tape?

Well, because I always carry a spare blouse.

Exactly like the one you were wearing.

Yeah, I... All right, you caught me.

Oh, Murphy, Murphy, Murphy, what am I going to do with you?

Give me a neck pillow and send me to Europe?

We just can't go on this way.

You think I don't deserve any respect?

You think I don't have any good ideas?

You think I don't see your reflection in the glass?

Look, you said yourself you were wrong to make us stay in town. I just figured

it out first.

Are you going to penalize me for being smarter than you?

No.

But I am the boss, or at least that's what it says on my door, or would say if

some mysterious vandal wasn't swiping my nameplates as fast as they can put them

up.

The point is, once I make a decision, you have to abide by it.

Do you think you can do that, Murphy?

Well, you did get me a once -in -a -lifetime interview, so I guess you're

totally useless.

Oh, now you're just sucking up.

So, now that we're riding this emotional high, do you think I could keep my

expense account?

Absolutely. If you can promise me that from now on, everything you charge will

be strictly work -related.

All right, all right.

Ooh, when you say work -related, that would cover, oh, I don't know, gifts for

co -workers from a Hammock or Schlemmer catalog, right?

What do you think?

All right, Patrick, fork over that moth repeller.

All right, Frank, where's that leg hair? Oh, man, you already used it? You

owe me $49 .99.

Hey, you with the electric socks, don't you walk away from me.

I don't believe this.

I knew this was going to come back to haunt us. We cover for Murphy and

Kay assigns us to a late -breaking story that forces us to work through the

night. Yeah, well, we may not be having any fun, but at least Murphy is in the

same boat we are.

Good night, Jake.

Yeah, Jake, we'll see you in the morning.

Good night. See you tomorrow.

Thank you.