Original subtitles

Oh, man, what a flight.

Would it kill them to hold a summit in this country once in a while?

Why can't the French learn English?

Hey, Zippy, it's your floor, whole ass.

It's such a beautiful language.

Boy, I'm starving. What do you think we just drop off our bags and head down to

Phil's? I could go with one of his nice, juicy burgers right now. You know,

instead of Phil's, what do you think we try that new vegetarian place? I hear

they've got this great salad bar.

Ooh, and for dessert, we could pig out on melon balls and tofu treats. Are you

nuts? I want real food.

Phil food.

Food that screams when you poke it.

Look, the truth is, I just can't handle Phil's anymore. Okay, there, I said it.

What? His food sucks. I mean, you do know that pasta isn't supposed to have

bristle in it, right?

We're going to Phil's. Oh, goody. I know. We can order the chili and play

Band -Aid Is It?

Miles, she's here.

Lauren, no donuts.

Hey, Dorothy, I'm back. I'm starving, and there's a little piece of ground -up

cow with my name on it. You want to join me at Phil's?

Oh, Murphy.

I'm not sure, but I bet Andy Rooney doesn't give Mike Wallace a hug every

he comes back from a trip.

Miss Lauren, we need to talk.

Great. Join me at Phil's. Oh, and bring a smock. Those burgers are juicy, and

I'm in no mood to be neat.

Murphy, Phil... He's... Phil's... Phil's what?

Phil's...

Dead.

What? It was his heart, Slugger.

Just gave out.

Oh, no.

Oh, Phil.

If it makes you feel any better, he died in the place he loved most in the

world. His bar.

Phil.

He always said that the only way they'd get him out of that place was to pry his

cold, stiff fingers off the beer tap.

And they had to.

Took two paramedics and a can of liquid ranch.

Good old Phil.

Gee, Murph, I thought you'd be chowing down at Phil's by now. You know, I can

almost hear him. Hey there, close the door. You let out all the flies.

Say, would you like a little more hair in your suit?

Oh, come on. You know it's what you're all thinking. Admit it.

Phil's is a rat hole.

I'll say it again. Rat.

What?

Nobody enjoyed your father's Swedish meatballs more than me.

Nobody.

Would you look at Phil's kids?

This must be tough on them.

Yeah. Boy, I know how they feel. It's really going to be strange walking in

and not hearing Phil say, hey there, Murphy. Hey there, Murphy.

Hey there, Murphy.

Hey there, Murphy.

Hey there, Murphy.

Hey there, little Phil, Philip, Felicia, Phil Jr.

Hey there, Murphy, Jim.

Hey, fellas.

Hi, fellas.

Boy, it's a nice turnout.

Half of Washington must be here.

It's nice to see Phil meant so much to so many people.

Yeah, Pop sure would have loved that service.

Indeed, I don't believe I've ever attended a funeral where the guests were

encouraged to toss cocktail garnish under the coffin.

Corky, it was great seeing Miles at the funeral.

Oh, yeah, I didn't get much of a chance to talk to him, but just the sight of

his little Brooks Brothers yarmulke was a comfort.

Yeah, I just wish he didn't have to fly back to New York right away.

But new job of his does keep him busy.

Very, very busy. In fact, he's so busy he doesn't even have time to visit his

wife. Not even on the weekend.

Yep, I guess the only way I'll ever get to see Mr. Network Hotshot is for

somebody else to drop dead.

Sorry. I just miss Phil so.

Excuse me.

Everybody. Can I have your attention, please?

I want to thank you all for coming.

I know this place is very special to you all.

It's very special to me, too.

That table is where Phil and I spent our first date.

And that booth over there is where we celebrated our golden wedding

And this stool is where I told Phil, we've really got to get out more.

Anyway, to Phil. To Phil.

May I?

To this reporter, Phil's Bar and Grill has always been a sanctuary.

I remember back in 67 when I lost the NBC anchor job to David Brinkley. I came

in here a broken man with a hat full of blues.

Well, I drowned my sorrows in here that night, and I'm drowning my sorrows here

again tonight.

To you, Phil.

And screw you again, Brinkley.

You know, this place has been like a home away from home for me.

After a show, I'd always come here for one of Phil's famous burgers and a beer

to wash it down with.

Sometimes two beers, sometimes three beers, just to make sure it stayed down.

Like Fontana's just said the other day, you don't want to have to digest any of

Phil's burgers twice.

No, that's not true, Larry. No, I never said that. I didn't say anything.

I remember coming in here

one day after the 84 campaign. I was feeling really down.

Phil thought a poker game with the Monday night regulars would lift my

really wasn't very interested until he said the three magic words.

Murphy's been drinking.

I bought a car with my winnings and I had enough left over to pay off the bulk

of my campaign debt.

Keep it on Phil, okay?

Phil.

Well,

there will never be another Phil.

I'm just sorry my kids will never get a chance to meet him.

Not that I'll ever even have kids, because somebody's too wrapped up in a

network hotshot career to even think about starting a family.

Yeah, by the time he's ready, my eggs will probably be dried up and... Cookie.

To Phil!

To Phil!

Boy, where would I be without Phil?

I remember about a month after I got out of Betty Ford, I was having a bad day.

It was a really bad day, so I said, out of hell with it. I marched in here,

looked Phil straight in the eye, and ordered a double.

He didn't lecture me. He just said it right in front of me and watched me down

it.

Best double cheeseburger I ever had.

Mr. Phil.

Okay, everybody, there's more food out back.

Help yourselves, and please, stay as long as you want.

You know, Phyllis, if there's anything we can do... Oh, thanks, Corky. I think

I've got everything under control.

The kids are great. They're there for me, and I'm sure it won't take long for

to find a buyer for this place.

Wait a minute. You're selling Phil's?

I'm afraid I don't have any choice, Murphy.

I can't run the bar myself, and all my kids have their own lives.

What about Phil Jr.? Well, we talked about that, but he doesn't think he's

ready for the responsibility.

Sorry, Mr. President.

And I think I have to agree with him.

I can't believe this.

Phyllis is actually going to sell this place.

You know what this means, don't you? This is the end of Phil's.

Somebody's going to come in here, rip things out, change everything. The next

thing you know, there'll be prompt service, reasonable prices, clean

It just won't be Phil's.

The end of Phil's.

I feel terrible.

You know what we should do?

We should buy Phil's.

What are you talking about? Well, yeah, we're the ones who appreciate it, and

that's the only way we can guarantee it'll stay Phil's.

What do you say?

I stood idly by and watched the last automat disappear.

I watched in silence as the rotary phone went the way of the dodo.

But by God, it's not too late to save Phil's. I say we do it. Me too.

I'm in.

Hey, Phyllis, we've got a proposition for you.

We'd like to buy Phil's.

You would? Are you sure?

Yes.

Do you know what you're getting yourselves into? The early mornings, the

nights, the endless hours standing ankle -deep in spilt beer and broken glass

until you're ready to drop with exhaustion?

Are you prepared to do all that?

Not really.

Are you prepared to hire someone who is?

Absolutely. Well, in that case, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new owners

of Phil's.

First time I've ever stood on this side of the bar.

Finally understand the sense of power Phil must have felt. Oh, yeah. When you

stand there, you're like the captain of a ship with everything at the ready.

Cap on the right, bottles on the left, swizzle sticks dead ahead.

Actually, Jim, I was talking about this bath.

Oh, yeah.

But the anchorman, mine has a nail in it.

Feels really good, doesn't it? We actually saved a piece of history.

Yeah. If it weren't for us, who knows what could have happened to Phil.

I mean, obviously, this dingy lighting might need to be updated, but other than

that... Excuse me?

What are you suggesting?

Well, it's just so dark and gloomy in here. I was thinking our customers might

appreciate, you know, some bright track lighting right here. Maybe a couple of

strong halogens right over there. Jeez, Corky, if you want to blind them, why

don't you just stand in the door and throw acid in their faces?

Get it? You change the lighting, you change fills, and we're not changing

I'm with you, Murph. Say, Jim, would you give me a hand moving this table out of

the way? I want to see if there's room here for a big -screen TV.

Are you mad?

I'm not putting a big screen TV in Phil's.

Oh. Say, Murph, would you help me move this table out of the way?

Phil didn't have a big screen TV, and we're not getting one either.

Thank you, Slugger. In any case, that's where I was hoping to put my humidor.

No, no, no. I really think a humidor would add an air of dignity to the

No big screen TV, no humidor, no fancy lighting.

I think you people are forgetting something.

When we took this place over, we didn't just buy a bar.

We assumed an obligation to Phil.

Is this how you plan to honor his legacy?

Well, is it?

I think not.

The Motown records you wanted for the new jukebox?

Jukebox?

Oh, didn't I mention it?

Well, every bar should have a jukebox, and I'm sure if Phil were here, he would

love the idea.

To Phil!

But if we can't have our changes, you can't have your changes.

Changes?

Who's talking about changes? You're the ones who are talking about changes. I'm

talking about an improvement.

Change, change, change, improvement.

I want my big TV. We're putting in a humidor. The bar needs new lighting, not

some stupid jukebox. Stupid, I could stick a quarter up your nose for the

20 years before you give me half the wisdom of Juan Aretha Franklin.

No, no, no. A man needs a place where he can exercise the dying heart.

Welcome home to the finest news magazine on television, Team FYI. We're working

together for you.

Cut. Do you mind?

Probably me. I can't help it. Jim Stallone is making me scared. Wait just

minute. Maybe I wasn't clear the first couple dozen times I went over this.

What I'm going for with this concept is Team FYI.

And to tell you the truth...

Biting and eye gouging doesn't really sell the whole team thing.

So what do you say? Can we try another one together as a team?

Yes, Murphy?

Can I do this by myself? I think I can really do it a lot better without these

monkeys.

Funny you should mention monkeys.

I once worked on a show that had an all -monkey cast.

And when they'd misbehave, I'd have to turn the hose on them.

Don't make me turn the hose on you.

Because while I think you're smarter than they are, I'm betting you can't

scramble up a rafter half as fast.

So, shall we try another one?

Okay, Bob, what's the next promo?

Tallahassee, Kay.

Tallahassee, now that's a happy city.

I dare you to say it without smiling. Go ahead, try it.

Tallahassee.

Tallahassee.

Good.

Very good.

Stand by with the hoses.

All right, Murphy, you're up next.

Fine.

Wait a second here.

Why does Murphy get to do this one? I'm from the South. I should do Tallahassee.

Hold it. You know, I'm just as qualified to do this as anyone. My parents live

in Florida. If we're talking about qualifications, I believe it's the

with 20 years of promo experience.

All that experience didn't stop you from screwing up the last one, did it? I

told you I had a moat in my eye. A moat? Yes.

You know how popular I am. Hello, Tallahassee. Welcome home to the finest

magazine on television.

Team FY.

Cut, cut, cut.

Everyone take five.

On second thought, take ten.

I think I feel a massive stroke coming on.

But then I've always been a cockeyed optimist.

Look, Frank, we both know this isn't about the promos. It's about Phil's.

so?

So, well, I've been thinking, and I realize you were right.

A big screen TV is exactly what Phil's needs.

It is? Oh, yeah.

But what about when there's nothing to watch?

We have to fill that void with something. But what?

I don't know.

How about a jukebox?

I can see that.

So, what do you say if I...

Will you support my jukebox?

Deal?

Deal. But what about those guys? They're never going to go. Don't worry about

them. We only need one more vote. I'll take care of it.

Jim.

This fighting is ridiculous.

Are we really going to let...

Petty disagreements over Phil stand in the way of 20 years of friendship.

Perhaps.

I tell you what.

In the interest of our friendship, I'm going to support your humidor.

Really? I thought you said you hated the idea.

Hated it, slept on it, love it now.

Now, if you could just see your way to supporting my jukebox.

Well, I suppose in the interest of our friendship.

Deal. Great.

Oh, and don't worry about Frank. He's already on board.

Wait, wait, wait. If you're saying by doing this, I'm agreeing to his

boob tube, the deal is off.

Frank is not a problem.

Good news.

Jim's with us.

Great. Just one thing, though, about your TV. Big screen, small screen. Does

that make a difference?

Yes, I want a big screen TV.

Well, you know, we could get one of those smaller sets, because you really

much better picture. I want a big screen.

We could put it up in the corner, then everybody would see it. Big screen.

Maybe get one of those satellite... Big.

Corky, listen, I've been thinking, and I'll support your new light.

If I support your jukebox.

You do that.

Deal.

There's just one thing.

What? Promise me you won't give in on Jim's smelly humidor or Frank's stupid

Give in?

Of course not.

Frank, Jim, what do you say we settle our differences about Phil

That's okay with me.

Okay, well, we could start with my jukebox.

All in favor?

It's unanimous. Whatever. Now, let's vote on my big screen TV. Oh, man, our

minutes are up. We better finish those promos, okay?

Wait a minute. What about my big screen TV?

Well, that's a big no from Jimbo. You're darn right it's a no. Same thing goes

for that filthy humidor.

Look, this is crazy. The important thing is we all agree on one thing, and that

one thing is my jukebox.

Forget that. I would throw my vote on your jukebox. Too late. You already

Places, people.

Hello, Phoenix. Oh, no. We made a deal. You came over there. Hey, hey.

Look at what owning this bar is doing to us.

Not worth all this.

I'm out.

What? I'm out.

I don't want any part of this bar.

Corky's right.

Our friendship is too important to sacrifice for this.

I'm out too.

I'm with you two guys.

Count me out.

Fine.

I'll run Phil's by myself.

And it won't have a big screen TV or fancy lighting or a humidor.

But I'll tell you one thing it will have.

A jukebox.

Come on, Murphy.

It's time to let this go.

You cannot run the bar by yourself.

She's right, Murphy. We're not cut out for this. Give it up.

I can't.

I won't. Don't you see? If we give up, Phil's won't be Phil's anymore.

It'll change.

Slugger, it'll change even if we keep it.

Face it, with Phil gone, it's the end of an era.

I'm afraid we'll have to just throw in the towel.

So, all in favor of selling Phil, raise their hands.

Hi. Hi.

So that's it, huh?

Uh -huh.

That's the sales contract. All we have to do now is sign it, and the deal will

be done.

Oh, come on, guys, really. I mean, it's not that bad. After all, we're selling

it to a top -notch corporation.

And we did get them to guarantee that they'd seriously consider possibly

the name Phil's.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. Before we do this, are we giving up too

easily?

I've got to believe that four reasonable people can find some way to run this

bar together.

Hey, guys, the new matchbooks are here. Where do you want me to put them? In the

bathroom.

Give me the pen.

So, it's really going, huh?

Yes, yes, it is. Boy, you never really miss something until it's gone.

I didn't just make that up, did I? Because that was really good.

Anyways, hey, you guys know what's best.

Oh, well, there's no point in prolonging this.

Frank?

Oh, you can't do this. This place has always been run by one family.

Phil should be run by a... by a Phil.

Yeah, by a Phil.

Not by Consolidated Properties Limited, a wholly owned subsidiary of Fujimoto

Takai East.

You're right. If we're going to sell this place to anybody, we should sell it

Phil Jr.

All in favor?

Phil Jr., we all agree we want to sell the bar to you. To me?

Really? Don't worry about the cost. You can pay us back over time.

Thanks, but it's like I told Mom.

I'm just not ready for it.

There's no way I can follow in Pop's footsteps. Sure you can.

No, I can't. I mean, everybody came to him for advice and information.

I'll take over and they'll come to me for that stuff and I'll goof up.

No, you won't goof up. In fact, I think you'll do a great job.

Really? You do? Yeah. And anyway, nobody expects you to run this bar like your

father. I bet he didn't run it like his father.

I suppose that's true. You know, towards the end there, Grandpa stopped wearing

pants behind the bar.

Yes, I think that was our point. In any case, you'll find your own way to run

Phil. Come on, what do you say?

Well, you guys make me feel like I can do anything.

You know what?

I'm going to do it.

I'm going to buy Phil's. Here, here. That's right. I'm going to take this

over, and I'm going to make my mark. Great. And you know, a great place to

would be a jukebox. Perfect.

Look, I'm going to go call my mom. She's going to be so excited.

Well,

that felt pretty darn good. Sure did. I'm proud of us.

You know, wherever Phil is right now, I bet he's pretty darn happy.

I don't get it.

Kids love pizza. Kids love ferrets.

This place should be a gold mine.

You've got one week to change it back.

Excuse me. Gotta go. Customers.

Hey, kids, welcome to Ferretville.