Original subtitles

Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late. Avery's school play was this morning.

They staged another production, did they?

I must say, that preschool of his is quite progressive.

In fact, last month's performance of A Streetcar Named Desire has really stayed

with me. Oh, tell me about it. When I saw that little four -year -old in a T

-shirt shout,

really felt his animal rage.

Yeah, well, you don't know about animal rage until you've sat next to that

sickeningly sweet Dottie Wilcox for three hours. I swear if she prodded me

more time and told me how her son was the peppiest Willy Loman in history...

Did anyone see Dottie's show last week? She had Tim Conway on talking about his

planner's wars. Did you know he was in constant discomfort through the entire

filming of The Apple Dumpling Gang?

Really? Okay.

You people have no idea what it's like.

Our kids land in the same class, and suddenly she's following me around like

some demented baby duck.

Well, that shit's really like she, Murphy.

Although, for the life of me, I can't figure out why.

She's so nice and sweet and thoughtful, and you're so... cute.

I mean, where is it written that just because your kids are friends, the

have to be friends, too? At least Katie Couric and I have an understanding about

keeping our distance from each other.

Well, it's more of a court -ordered thing, but it worked out.

You know, Slugger, I had much the same experience with Cyrus Vance.

Turned out I was sending that tiresome windbag mixed signals.

Perhaps you need to be clearer.

Clearer? Jim, the other day I rolled up my car window while she was still

talking to me.

I drove away and she actually ran alongside the car until she was able to

her hair free at the on -ramp.

I'm telling you, the woman cannot take a hint.

You know, Murph, since she likes you so much, maybe you could convince Dottie to

put me back on her show. My agent said it would really boost my Q rating.

I doubt if they really want you back, Frank. I mean, they did have to call in

the paramedics after your glass -blowing fiasco. Hey, I learned my lesson.

Watch it spin, blow out, not in.

Murph? Dotty's office just called. She's on her way up to see you. Oh, God.

Call Captain Dan. Tell him to fire up the chopper. And tell him not to wait.

can just throw out the rope ladder and I'll jump on as he backs up.

That's right.

Minceed oil and turpentine and vinegar make a nifty furniture polish. But

remember, shake well before using.

So, how's my favorite network news team? Hi, Dotty.

Oh, Corky.

You are positively radiant.

Radiant? Jim, you looking fit as a fiddle.

Oh, there's my Murphy.

Oh,

we really have to stop meeting like this.

Yeah, we do.

I really do.

Frankly, wasn't there something you wanted to say to Dottie? Oh, yeah.

Dottie was just wondering how things were going on the show.

You know, book any good guests lately?

Actors, musicians,

you know, charming, thrill -seeking journalists.

Well, none as charming as you.

Hey, mister, you haven't dropped by the show lately. Didn't you help us

demonstrate something last time? What was it?

Glass blowing.

Hey, that's right.

Have you started producing saliva yet, friend?

Much better now.

You know, Dottie, if I came back on your show, I could talk about what I just

saw in Chiapas.

You know, what it's like to report on an impoverished yet determined people

rising up against a brutal oligarchy.

That's nice, but it's sort of a downer.

Just last week, Linda Blair showed us some Renaissance instruments she

Oh, and Harry Hamlin demonstrated how with 10 feet of cheesecloth and the

ability to control your gag reflex, you can actually clean out your entire

digestive system.

Do you have anything like that?

Like that, huh?

Wait a minute. Weren't you the one that loved model trains so much?

Model trains? Uh -huh. Remember, you told me this story.

Your grandfather gave you your first toy, Choo Choo, and from there your

collection grew and grew until it became one of the largest and most impressive

in the country?

Or was that Jerry Van Dyke? No, no, no. That was me. Definitely we love, love

those trains. Right, guys? This is perfect. You can bring the whole kit and

caboodle on the show this Friday. This Friday? Uh -huh.

Great. Gotta go.

Now, we're

I forgot to give you the invitation to Harrison's fifth birthday party. Oh,

geez. Didn't he just have one of those?

No, silly.

That was his book signing party.

Anyway,

I'll see you there.

Oh, gee, you know, Donnie, I'm afraid I have a conflict.

Oh, dear, you do?

Uh -huh. You see, I don't like you, and I don't want to go.

I'm kidding. I don't like you.

Murphy, I hate you, too.

Oh, but seriously, Murphy, we really have to find a way to spend more time

together.

I know.

Maybe you could do a story on me someday.

Hey, great idea. Let's set it up. What?

Super. Call my office.

Oh, Murphy, we have to get our nails done. And then we can just talk and talk

and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.

a profile on that smiling sack of sugar?

Now, Murphy Dowdy's got a high profile. Her new clothing line is a huge success.

And who knows? Maybe some of her sweetness and warmth just might rub off

But really, it is a good story.

You know, you're right. In fact, I'll just dump all my stories. Then, after I

finish my profile on Dottie, I can jump right into that searing investigation I

know you'll want me to do on Sherry Lewis and Lamb Chop.

Here's a preview.

She's both of them.

And here's a little preview for you.

You're doing the story.

Forget it, Kay. I'm not doing a story on Dottie. You can find some other chump.

Hey, what's going on?

Kay Chump. Chump K, there, I believe my work here is done.

Oh, hey, Corky. Corky, you want to quit me on trains?

No, but I'll push you in front of one if you don't get the hell out of my way.

Hey, Corky, what are you doing?

Looking for aspirin. I figured if there's any in this office, they must be

your secretary's desk.

Oh, trouble in Dottie land? What's the matter, all that gooey sweetness making

your teeth hurt?

Not exactly. The store just busted wide open.

Turns out there's some odd things showing up in the river next to Dottie's

Malaysian clothing factory. Ooh.

Let me guess.

Sugar and spice and everything nice?

No. More like toxins and lime. Poisons die.

What? I know. Can you believe it? My sources say her factory has killed off

everything in the river and is threatening to wipe out an entire native

Wow. And I thought Dottie was only responsible for the death of fashion as

knew it.

I just feel so bad for Dottie.

Yeah, boy, she'll probably never speak to you again.

You know, Corky, why put yourself through all that? I suppose I could do

story. What are you saying, Murphy?

Are you saying I'm not up to it? Because believe me, I am up to it. Of course

you are. I mean, if anyone was ever up to this Dottie story, it is you, because

you are up to it.

You know that Dottie story?

Corky's not up to it.

So, Murphy, I think she's got things pretty well in hand.

Um, all right, look.

Something's been eating at me, and I need to talk about it.

So you're seeing the footage of those Malaysian cockatoos near Dottie's

Isn't that something?

They hit the water and just dissolved like Alka -Seltzer.

What I'm trying to say is... I should never have defied your authority

the other day. You gave me an assignment, and I should have taken it.

So do you want to break the news to Corky or should I?

Well, I'm not going to take the story away from Corky.

But if you want to get a jump on that lamb chop thing, I hear Charlie Horse is

ready to spill his guts.

Bad news, Corky.

Kay wants me to do the story.

Wow, really?

Yeah, I know. It's got to sting. But don't take it too hard.

Oh, no.

Actually, I feel pretty good, Murphy.

Five years ago, I would have fallen for that load of bull.

I've really grown, haven't I?

All right, Sherwood, what's it going to take?

Your congressional graph story.

Forget it.

But I will trade you one exploding truck story, two international leaders, and a

profile to be named later. What do you say?

I say I guess I'll just have to do that Dottie story myself.

Sure, she'll probably never speak to me again or, you know, call me at 7 a .m.

on Saturday morning just to chat or drop by and give me a hat. All right, the

graph story is yours.

Great. Pleasure doing business with you, Murphy.

Now, you're not going to be too brutal on Dottie, are you?

Brutal? Corky, please. I am a professional journalist.

Sherry, I know it's a long shot, but call down to archives. Ask them if they

any footage of Dottie Wilcox holding a human head.

That was great. Let's watch it again. Oh, for pity's sake, Slugger, FYI is

Your expose on Dottie was devastating. Yeah, Murphy, how many times do we have

to watch how you superimpose Dottie's face over those men in decontamination

suits bulldozing that village?

At least twice more. I see something new every time.

Here you go, Murph. What's that, Frank?

Oh, nothing. Just $12 ,000 worth of trains for Avery.

Thanks to you, I just got bumped from Dottie's show.

Oh, so they saw my piece on what they think. What they think. Well, all right.

Here is the little depot.

And here's the little ticket taker.

Oh, and here are the shrubs.

Hundreds and hundreds of dollars worth of shrubs. You can't have a depot

shrubs.

Sorry we had to bump you, Frank.

Oh, that's okay.

No, it's not.

But in light of what happened, we had to cancel all of our guests and devote

next week's shows to the situation in Malaysia.

So, unless you know something about the intricately carved fertility mass of the

Minnetonka River Valley... Know about them? I make them at home.

Really? Then I'll see you tomorrow, mister.

Tomorrow? Yeah. Great. Gotta go.

I have just two words for you, Murphy Brown.

Thank you.

What? Are you sure you saw my piece? Because I can run it for you if you

Oh, I saw it. I saw it.

And you have opened my eyes to a great injustice.

I never wanted to hurt anybody.

I just wanted to bring people joy and happiness and fine quality women's

at fair prices.

No, wait. You should be mad. me. I mean, if someone did to me what I just did to

you, I'd never speak to them again.

Now, that wouldn't be fair.

You were just doing your job.

Well, yeah, but I mean, I could have done a softer piece or I could have

you that it was coming or I could have avoided referring to you as Dottie Pig

Killer Wilcox.

Technically, it is accurate.

Anyway, I was trying to plan our vacation for next year.

Wouldn't it be a hoot if our two little families rented a Winnebago and traveled

cross -country?

and play the license plate game. No, no, no, you don't want to go anywhere with

me. I'm no good. I'm the reason they're telling those jokes about you.

Jokes? What jokes?

Well, you don't know the jokes. Oh, they're awful.

Um, like, how many Minnetonka River people does it take to screw in a light

bulb? None, because they don't exist anymore.

And, um, how many Minnetonka River people can you put in a phone booth?

None, because they don't exist anymore.

the Minnetonka River people are very much alive and well and living in a

relocation center just a few hundred miles from their homeland.

But if this is the way you support me in my time of great personal crisis,

well, I'm beginning to wonder if you're as good a friend as I thought you were.

Goodbye, Murphy.

No.

No.

Dottie Wilcox is not a quitter.

And she is not about to give up on this friendship quite so easily. Oh, but she

should. She really should.

Tell you what.

We can put all this ugliness behind us if you'll apologize right now.

Apologize? Ha! Forget it!

I see.

Well, then I'm afraid you leave me no choice but to call a timeout.

I don't want to see you or talk to you ever again until you are ready to say

sorry.

Well, Dottie, I'm afraid I can't do that. And if that means that we can

see each other again, well, then, damn it, that's just the price I'm going to

have to pay.

Fine.

Goodbye, Murphy.

I got rid of Dottie. I got rid of Dottie. I got rid of Dottie. I got rid

Dottie. I got rid of Dottie. Rachel.

Avery get to sleep okay?

Oh, yeah. I did just what you told me. I read some from the transcript of Bob

Dole's convention speech and he went out like a lady.

Great. Now, why couldn't you have run in 92 during Avery's colicky years?

Hey, did you see my piece on Dottie Wilcox? It was great. I can run it for

if you want.

Uh, sure. As long as you know that M's still on the clock and get $10 an hour.

Good night. Drive safe.

Hi, Mommy.

Hey, honey.

What's the matter?

I can't sleep.

You can't?

Well, I tell you what.

Why don't you get back into bed, and we can talk about all the fun we're going

to have at the zoo on Saturday.

But, Mommy, what about Harrison's birthday party?

Oh, right.

Harrison's birthday party.

Oh, Avery, you don't really want to go to Dottie's house, do you? We'll have a

much better time at the zoo. We can go to the monkey cage and aim them after

members of the House Ways and Means Committee.

But, Mommy, I want to go to the party.

Harrison's my best friend in the whole world.

He is?

Are you sure?

Because, you know, there are an awful lot of Harrisons in your class. Are you

sure it's Harrison Wilcox?

Do you really, really want to go to this party?

I don't suppose a 20 would change your mind.

Okay.

We're going to Dottie.

May the force be with you, Mr.

Pavarotti. We come in peace, Mr. Bigley Jr.

Nanu Nanu, unidentified earthling.

Names, please.

Murphy and Avery Brown.

Sorry, you're not on the list.

Go ahead, sweetheart.

Hey, listen, schmuck Rogers. My son wants to go to his best friend's party.

what are you going to do about it?

What was your name again?

Murphy Brown.

Oh, yeah, and I know who you are.

You're not on the list. Oh.

Class of Barada Nickto, Mr. Secretary General.

We come in peace, Mr. Ambassador.

Hey, Dottie, can I have some more of that delicious lemonade?

You mean, thank you.

Whatever you call it, it's out of this world.

But seriously, could you respond to the allegations leveled against you by FYI?

Well, this really isn't the time or place, but, um, I suppose it's no secret

that I poured all of my efforts into the Minnetonka River Valley relief, which

is why I invited a genuine Minnetonka family to join us for Harrison's fifth

birthday party.

Dottie, you have such a big heart.

I wanted to meet Patonganang and Huanganang.

Huang's a real sweetheart, but if he stares at you, look away, or he'll think

you're challenging him.

Excuse me, kids.

That, Avery, is why Mommy always keeps wire cutters and a grappling hook in the

trunk of her car.

Okay, but first we have to look for Harrison's mommy.

I think I see her. She's over there.

Great. We'll go over here.

Where is she?

Um,

Avery, why don't you and Harrison go play on the moon bounce?

Since the rules of our timeout are that we don't... each other until you're

prepared to apologize. I can only assume that that's why you're here. You wish.

The only reason I'm here is because my son wanted to come to your son's

party. Not that seeing you wrapped up like a frozen veal shop wasn't worth the

car ride over.

Now, that doesn't sound like an apology, Murphy.

And since it wasn't, I don't think you should be here. Now, if you'll excuse

I have moon bounce duty.

Look, Dottie, you're not going to be getting an apology from me. I mean, just

because our kids are friends doesn't mean we have to be.

Well, if that's the way you feel, then I'm not sure I want Harrison playing

a son of yours.

In fact, I'm sure I don't.

Oh, for God's sake.

Okay, fine. If this is what it takes to keep our kids together, then maybe I'm

not completely unapologetic. I'm sorry, Murphy. That's not enough.

Oh, come on. God knows we're perfectly groveling there.

You know the two magic words that I want to hear.

It starts with I'm.

Second word has five letters.

First letter, S. Okay, I'm sorry.

Fair, I said it. Are you happy now?

Oh, yes, I'm happy. I'm for the letter. Time out is over.

Now we'll never have to be apart again.

Hey, honey, are you having a good time?

Mommy, I want to go home.

What? Why?

Harrison's mean. I don't like him anymore.

But I thought you said he was your best friend.

No, he's my candy.

So you're saying you don't want to play with Harrison anymore?

No. You never want to see him again?

No. And just so there's no misunderstanding, you want Harrison

Dottie Wilcox, completely out of your life? Mm -hmm.

Okay. Why don't you go grab a few party favors? Mommy needs a second.

Oh, Dottie.

Oh, Dottie.

Have you ever been to a mud bath?

Because I know a great place we can go this weekend.

We'll just share a big hug and giggle like schoolgirls. I'm afraid that won't

happening, Dottie, because as I've been trying to tell you, we're not friends.

We never were friends. And you know what? We never will be friends.

Oh, I get it. You have to protect your tough girl image. Don't worry.

No, you don't get it. I'm taking my apology back.

Well, it's too late. You can't have it back. I'm going to take it and put it in

my pocket.

Now that our friendship's been tested, it's unbreakable.

We're surrounded by an invisible force field of love.

Oh, no, that can't be.

I can be pretty mean, you know.

Oh, mercy.

I can be pretty mean, too.

have to be able to get out before you do it to me.

I hate to be a party pooper, but it's time to light the candles on the cake.

ya.

Is it over, Donnie? Do you hear me?

What are you staring at, kid?

the masks. I didn't sleep all night, but I think they turned out pretty good.

Oh, didn't anyone tell you? As it turned out, we don't need them.

You don't? No.

But you know what? We're doing a segment on Taekwondo next week.

You like breaking a block of ice with your head?

Next week?

Huh? Sure.

Gotta go.