Original subtitles

I can't believe the weekend is over.

I'm going to close my eyes, and when I open them, it's going to be Friday.

What day is it? Monday.

Damn. Didn't work on my breasts in junior high, either.

What are you so happy about?

I spent the weekend in New York with Miles.

Oh, splendid. Tell me, were you able to take in the show?

Well, Miles put on a little show for me in the bedroom. Oh, I see.

He was like an animal, too. He'd wake up, splash a little water on his face,

he'd be ready to go at it all over again. Oh, man.

One time, we did get out and take a walk in Central Park.

Oh, yes, in Central Park. It's the nicest time of year. There's the sheep

meadows, the carousels, the boathouses. Yeah, nice.

Of course, five minutes of that, and we were back in the bedroom, jumping all

over again. Oh, yeah.

I assure you that is the last time I will ask Corky and Miles what they did

weekend. Especially if the answer is each other.

The very idea of being subjected to a blow by... Good Lord.

Hey, we're in a coffee island.

It's gone.

I swear, if this is Andy Rooney's way of getting back at me for booby -trapping

his padded toilet seat... Matthew, do you know anything about the coffee

Me?

I don't see a coffee island. That's the whole point, you moron. Now spill it.

No, no, no.

Little hint.

Go ahead, Matthew.

Who was it? Who took our coffee island?

It was Kay, that new executive producer lady, all right? She had to take

everything, the island, the donuts, even broke your fish mug.

And you let them?

Why, you better hold it.

What the stink? Why would Kay have done this?

Oh, please, it's obvious. She knows we think she's totally unqualified for the

job, so she's just trying to bully us with some stupid power plays.

Last week, it was that new wardrobe holiday. Today, it's the coffee island.

Tomorrow, she's probably going to start screwing with our set.

But we hate our set. Of course we hate our set. It's bland, it's dirty, and it

practically screams we haven't had an original idea since real people went off

the air.

But if anyone's going to mess with it, it should be us. Who does that woman

think she is? Okay, then, it's agreed.

We'll let her know who's really in charge around here when she comes down

the story meeting.

About the story meeting, Kay said from now on the story meetings are going to

held in her office.

What did you say?

Oh, no, I'm not going to say it again. You're not paying me enough.

This is outrageous.

We've had our story meetings at this table every week for the last 20 years.

Well, I say we don't put up with this. I say we don't go up there. Here, here.

Oh, no.

I'd say we do go up there. We'll march right into her office and tell her the

way things are done here at FYI. Ray. Whoa, whoa, whoa. But how will she know

we're not up there for a story meeting?

How will she know?

Because we won't be bringing our pads.

What? No pads? But I always carry a pad.

Quite right. No pads.

I don't know if General Chao just offered me an interview or agreed to

secretary in exchange for a short -range nuclear missile.

Oh, well, time will tell.

What do you say we get our very first story meeting underway?

Sorry, but we're not here for the story meeting.

You're not? No, we most definitely are not.

For 20 years, our story meetings have been conducted in one place, madam, and

one place only, and that place is... Is that Jamaican Blue Mountain Coffee?

Ah.

I see you have a nose for the bean.

Help yourselves.

Wow. A load of this spread.

And look at this, Corby. Teeny, tiny muffins. Yeah, with teeny, tiny

blueberries. How did they get them so tiny?

Mad baker scientists use their shrinkifying rays. Look, we didn't come

talk about muffins.

We came here to tell you that we like our coffee and our story meetings where

we've always had them, downstairs in the bullpen. Murphy is right.

You know, we've been together for too long to put up with your nonsense. We

things exactly the way they were.

Ooh, this is really comfortable.

Look, I'm sorry, but wherever I've worked, I've always tried to make my

comfortable. A place that says, come on in, kick off your shoes, have a blimp,

and dare to change the face of television.

You know, you're right. We must have been wrong all those years we were

Emmys and Peabody's and Humboldt. What we really needed around here was the

smell of bare feet and blintzes.

Okay, I thought you'd like this, but we can just move our meeting down to the

bullpen. Let me get my things. You know, maybe we should stay, Murphy. Just this

once. Yeah, I mean, we are already here.

And she does seem to be getting her point.

Oh, all right, let's just get started.

Wonderful.

Now, I'm doing a fabulous job. Oh, I'm sorry, Murphy. I'm sure that your idea

super, but if you just look in these folders, you'll see that I've given you

some pretty nifty assignments.

Excuse me?

You've given us assignments?

No, we're not taking stories from some game show producer.

So you can just keep your crappy assignments because we don't want any

them. Oh, my God!

I'm going on the space shuttle!

I thought it should be Stone Phillips. I thought it should be my action man.

Good Lord, a fireside chat at the White House.

And I'm interviewing the entire royal family from Buckingham Palace.

Oh, I almost forgot, Frank. They want to know if you'd like to do a spacewalk.

Would I have a jet pack?

Let me go ask.

Unbelievable!

Tell me about it. She must have some incredible contacts.

Murph, come on, what'd you get? I don't know and I don't care. Are you people

blind? Don't you see what she's doing?

I don't know.

What I see is Kay giving us the most fascinating stories of our career.

that we'll want to relive over and over and over again until we die.

I see her playing us like a pan flute. That's what I see. Well, it's not going

to work with me. What the devil are you talking about? Open your eyes, people.

Kay is obviously trying to get us to accept her assignment so that it'll be

easier for her to get us to do whatever she wants later on.

That's a good point.

I'm going to have to give that some thought.

As I'm floating weightless in space, looking down on this life -giving orb we

call Earth.

So what do you all think of my stories? We think we like our stories better.

The ones we picked.

The ones 20 years of experience earned us the right to pick.

We're not about to give that up at the first bite of a Crumpet Frank.

I agree.

Murphy's right.

I can see I still have a lot to learn.

So, Frank, what will you be reporting on instead of the space shuttle?

Um, well, uh, I'll be doing a story on, uh, on airbags.

Could you elaborate?

You know, airbags.

Are they as safe as they're supposed to be?

Are they? Some of them.

I like your passion, Frank.

Jim. Oh, I think I'll be doing a commentary on Americans and their

Oh, you mean how we've become a nation obsessed with recreation, causing us to

lose our competitive edge in the international marketplace?

No, how nothing beats a comfy pair of socks on a cold winter night.

Another way to go.

Corky. I'll be doing an in -depth piece. Oh, I love those.

On the ab roller.

So that's airbag, socks, and sit -up.

Uh -huh. And what do you have for us, Murphy?

I'll tell you what I have.

I'm reporting on a day in the life of a true modern -day hero, someone in our

government who epitomizes courage and valor. That sounds great. Who is it? I

don't know yet, but when I find him, it's going to be really good.

If you don't mind, we've got some stories to report on. Great stories.

Our stories.

That's right.

You bet.

I'm sorry, Kay, but Murphy's right.

We serve the public trust.

sacred trust, a trust that supersedes... Ooh.

What are these?

Beignets. I have them flown in fresh from New Orleans. Really?

Mmm, they're delicious.

They're light and flaky, yet they have a kind of a... I'm so

excited to be doing a story on your

boss, someone who's devoted so much of his life to the public sector, someone

who's so dynamic, so... Hmm?

Oh. Well, when do you think he'll be up from his nap?

I'll call back then.

Hey, Murph.

Here's that tape I borrowed.

Oh, thanks, Frank. Hope your story's going better than mine is.

Well, you know, sometimes a story just doesn't pan out. You know, you can

dump it if you want.

Oh, please. I'd never do that. We took a stand up there as a team.

If I dump my story now, Kate would see that as surrender, and I would never do

that to you guys.

You know...

Surrender, it's such a loaded word.

I mean, at first, surrendering seems like not such a good thing to do. But

after a while, you realize that surrendering, and I'm not even sure

right word, isn't that bad after all.

What are you saying, Frank? Hey, Frank, good news about your story. It's all

systems go.

Matthew, I wasn't going to tell you you took the space shuttle story.

Oh. Oh.

You caved, Frank? I don't believe it. Okay, I caved, but it was too good to

up. They said there was a chance that once we left the Earth's orbit, they'd

me steer.

You disgust me.

Hey. Guess who went behind our backs and took Kay's assignment?

Spaceman Frank.

He did?

Yeah. Can you believe it? Well, all I can say is, if that's what you thought

had to do... Don't let him off the hook.

He's a dirty, rotten traitor. He went behind our backs. He... Jim,

is that a teeny, tiny blueberry in your teeth?

What? Oh.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. Just... You mean...

You caved, too, Jim?

Well, yes, I did, but only because I knew you were going to cave. What do you

mean you knew I'd cave? Well, you did cave, didn't you? Yeah, well, you caved,

too. But you caved first. You're not a spaceman. You're a caveman. All right,

guys, enough already. I think you're missing the point. The point being? That

you're both sniveling weasels. Isn't that right, Corky?

Well, I wouldn't exactly call it sniveling.

Oh, no, Corky, not you, too.

Cave girl.

People, don't you understand?

You give in to Kay on this, and everything we hold dear will be

A little piece here, a little piece there, and before you know it, Panzer

will be pouring over the border, and the Jerrys will be goose -stepping down the

Champs -Élysées.

Okay, maybe not that, but it's bad.

Well, maybe we're not as strong as you are, Murphy, but while I was up there...

Breaking strudel with Ava Braun.

Tell me what your assignment was, and I think if you knew what it was, you'd

feel differently.

What's her story?

Wow.

And all I get to do is leave the Earth's orbit and touch the face of God.

I certainly am intrigued.

Oh, please, don't you understand?

This is all part of Kay's plan. She's... She's like a hungry... lion trying

to split up a herd of gazelles, and she's doing it by preying on the old,

sick, and the weak.

Wait a minute.

Who's sick? Who's old? Who's weak?

For history to decide.

But for right now, you people are going to have to live with the consequences of

your action. As for myself, I'm just going upstairs right now and tell Kay

this is one gazelle who's not just going to hand over Poland.

You know what I mean.

Hey, Frank, sorry I spilled the beans to Murphy. From now on, I'm steering way

clear that mean old witch.

Okay, listen up.

Okay?

Great.

Looking for something?

As a matter of fact, I was, yes.

I was looking for this.

A peach pit.

Yes, it's for my son's science project.

Oh, what's he studying?

Peach pits.

I was looking for my folder, but not because I was going to take your stupid

assignment, because I wanted to see what ridiculous lengths you'd go to to try

to manipulate me. Is that what you think I've been doing? Oh, drop the act. I

know your game.

You think you can control people and treat them like pawns. And not in the

endearing way that I do, but in a coarse and ugly way.

So, what do you have to say to that?

I say, you're right.

What? I don't know what went wrong. I'm usually so good at this.

I brought down the best of them. Woolery, Eubanks, even Trebek.

It's amazing what a Canadian will do for a piece of pie.

So, when did you catch on?

Oh, please. I had your number the minute I laid eyes on you.

All right, let's cut to the chase.

I can't run FYI without your support.

Well, I can, but from what I hear, it's not worth the arguments, the tension,

the gratuitous shaving of innocent pets.

So how do we make this work?

All right.

For starters, you've got to accept the fact that your clever tricks may work on

those other schmoes, but they'll never work on me.

Schmoes, yes. You, no. Got it.

And another thing.

You don't tell me what stories to choose.

I pick my own assignments.

You've earned that right.

And I want our coffee island back.

Consider it done.

So, just to be clear, I can still screw with Frank's head, right?

There have been weeks when that was the only thing that kept me off the bottle.

a good plan you have to admit yeah it wasn't bad i mean i'd always heard how

much you wanted to host the presidential debate so naturally presidential debate

oh yeah i thought i could kill two birds with one stone you know get you in my

back pocket and put fyi on the map with the presidential debates would you

listen to me i'm doing it again you didn't want to know what your assignment

and here i am waving it in your face presidential debate some habits are hard

kick although

As long as we understand each other, I suppose it would be possible that I

help you just this once. Oh, no, Murphy, I couldn't let you do that. I wouldn't

want you to think for a minute that I had manipulated you into taking it.

I don't want to be careful, but on the other hand, if what you're saying is

my hosting the presidential debates would actually help FYI, well, what the

heck, I'll do it.

I owe you one, kiddo.

Kay, you wanted to see me? Thanks for stopping by. Murphy, you know Mark,

you? Yeah, I'm McEwen. Hi, Murph.

Listen, Kay, if the reason why you had me come up here was to try to get us to

back off our daycare investigation, you can forget it. Me? Try to get CBS this

morning to hand over a groundbreaking story to FYI? Oh, I wouldn't dream of

Scones?

Hey.

My favorite thing.

Now, how would I know that?

Webster's. Oh, Jim, I think you got one of the gills upside down.

Here she is. Hello, Slugger.

How'd it go upstairs with Kate?

How'd it go?

You know that scene from Rocky where he keeps getting hit in the head over and

over and over again? Well, it was like that.

Only Kate won't be getting up to do four more sequels.

You were a sniveling weasel. Hey, guys, don't be so hard on yourself.

I mean, you were weasels, but I needed to convince you that you had to stand

firm. We're a team, a unit.

We can't let someone drive a wedge between us.

I'm into that. That's right.

That's why when you went up to talk to Kay, we all dropped our story.

What? Well, thanks to your inspiring example, we called our contacts and told

them we weren't interested. Right.

I called NASA personally.

Well, actually, he held a receiver while I did most of the talking. They

couldn't understand him through all the sobbing.

Well, in any case, we owe it all to you.

You know, now that you've all learned your lesson, maybe it wouldn't be so

terrible if you did those stories. You can get them back, can't you?

No, but we wouldn't want them, even if we could.

That's right. We have our integrity back now, Murphy.

Hey, you know what would really mess with Kay's head?

If I went back up there and took that assignment and hosted the presidential

debate, yeah, that's what I'll do. This is going to be great.

Wait a minute, Murphy.

How did you know your assignment was to host the presidential debate?

You mean I got it right?

You caved, didn't you? Now, hold on. Cave woman.

Ted, get the White House on the phone. I need to get my story back.

I've got to call NASA. I hope it's not too late.

Does anyone know the area code for Buckingham Palace?

Now, hold on, guys. I know it looks like I caved, but it's really not that

simple. You should have been there. I really drew one hell of a line in the

with Kay.

Frank, you've got to believe me. Oh, yeah, I believe you. You went up there

read her the riot act, and you ended up doing exactly what she wanted you to do

in the first place.

I have just one question. How did she take it?

This is Frank Fontana. Remember me? I was going to be an astronaut.

Okay, guys.

I've got this all figured out.

This was all part of Kay's big plan.

She knew we'd all go up there, we'd turn down the stories, you'd go back and

take them, then I'd make you drop them, then I'd go up and take mine.

She is really a crafty one.

How's it going, everybody?

Murphy made us give up our stories. She did?

Is that true, Murphy?

Oh, don't give me that. You knew all along this is what would happen.

Now, how would I know that?

But if anyone needs help getting their stories back, come join me in my office.

I just brewed a big pot of sun tea, and the key lime pie just arrived.

Right behind you. Wait for me.

You can't go up there. This is just what she wants, to separate me from the rest

of you.

You mean from the sick?

And the old and the weak.

Murphy, I know that you already have your story, but you come join us, too.

I'm not on your life, and none of you should be going up there, either.

Remember, we have to remain a united front.

But we are united, Murphy. We all hate you.

Go up there. Eat her sissy pastry. I just hope they're worth losing your self

-respect over. You hear me?

Sure glad we got our coffee island back, Mr. Dial. Oh, yes, and stocked with our

good old reliable snack foods.

Oh, sure, some may go for a tasty croissant or a creamy eclair, but I say

there's nothing quite like a good old -fashioned donut to keep a reporter on

toes.

They're kind of dry.

And hard.

Really hard.