Original subtitles

All right, two minutes, people.

Oh, boy, it's weird, isn't it? Looking over at that podium and not seeing

Yeah. Remember the way he used to sweat through his little blue blazer before a

show? We'd get all bug -eyed when we'd sneak up behind him and pop a bag.

The way we'd all clear when the parents...

All right, two minutes, people.

Oh, boy, it's weird, isn't it? Looking over at that podium and not seeing

Yeah. Remember the way he used to sweat through his little blue blazer before a

show? We'd get all bug -eyed when we'd sneak up behind him and pop a bag.

The way we'd all clear when the paramedics put those little paddles on

chest.

Well, that's kind of a lukewarm reception for someone who's just come

Stan's office and knows who your new executive producer's going to be.

You know?

Who is it?

Let me just put it this way. He's wise, handsome, immensely talented. What are

you saying, Andrew?

I'm saying this.

Faces, people!

We've got a show to do!

No, no, no, no. No need to worry. It's going to be business as usual. 30

to air.

30 seconds?

What are you all waiting for? Let's move!

Move, lardass!

That's fast enough. You're fired.

Anyone want to be next, Frank?

Miss Brown, love, love, love the new hairdo, but your look's only some

There's a wonder bra on the back for you. Use it.

15 seconds.

Never mind. Just arch your back a lot.

All right, that does it. I'm going up to Lansing. Me too. Let's go. Oh, that's

great. America's going to be watching a bunch of empty chairs in five, four,

three, two... Good evening and welcome to FYI.

Miller Redfield is on assignment.

For your information tonight, Frank Fontana reports on computer criminals.

Corky Sherwood visits a fat farm for dogs.

But first up...

Murphy Brown has some heady revelations about the Army's so -called smart bombs.

Murphy? Thank you, Jim.

But why don't we open with Frank Fontana's fascinating computer piece,

Well, thank you, Murphy. But I'd rather hear about Corky Sherwood's fat dogs.

Thank you, Frank.

And I'll get to my story right after Jim's commentary.

Jim?

Thank you, Cookie.

Yes.

Well, then, we end our show.

That is, we begin our show with some final thoughts.

Or rather, some beginning thoughts.

Mickey, once I take over the world, remind me to publicly stop you.

All right, Stanchus, what the hell... What do you think you're doing?

Uh, well, I was, um... Okay, I was watching Pinky and the Brain instead of

I like that network's cute little singing frog.

Maybe we should spice up our mascot.

But it's an eye.

Who the hell wants to see a singing eye?

Wait, what if we named it Blinky?

Blinky the tap -dancing eye!

We're hearing about Andrew Stanton.

Yeah, why would you make that little weasel executive producer?

Why? Because you seem to love that little weasel.

Andrew would make an excellent executive producer, Murphy Brown.

Andrew would make a terrific executive producer, Corky Sherwood.

Andrew is the finest human being ever to walk the face of the earth.

He's like a god to me, Frank Fontana.

Stan, I didn't write that letter. And I didn't write this.

Nice paper stuff there. You did. Hey, listen. You know something? He put the

letter down in front of me, handed me a pen, and asked me if I'd ever been

buried alive.

Buried alive, Murph.

What are you people doing up here? We've got a show to do.

I'm not sure how much longer Jim can keep going.

I saw a good movie the other night.

Wasn't as good as the book, though.

Oh, my God. I better help Jim.

Well, no time to kibitz.

Hold on, Andrew.

Where do you think you're going? Stay and go ahead and ask him who wrote those

letters. Ask him.

Well, Andrew.

These? Let's see.

Hey, this is really nice type. What is this, a 12 -point Helvetica?

All right, I admit it. I forged these letters. Well, most of them, anyway.

Okay, Stan, you heard that, so go ahead. Fire his sorry butt. What? Fire?

You think I want him running around outside where I can't keep an eye on

However, I am going to demote him.

Andrew. I'm assigning you to the mailroom.

The mailroom? Not the mailroom. Anything but the mailroom. You already have the

mailroom. Please, Uncle Stan, give me another chance. Give me another chance

with FYI.

I'm a poor orphan, remember?

I remember.

Oh, I hate to make these decisions, but I will.

Fontana, you decide.

What? Who am I?

Why, not you, Mr. Letter Writer.

Frank, what are you waiting for? Do it.

Yes, Frank. What's it going to be?

Well, um, you know, we do sort of need a new executive producer.

Frank! Dump him.

You heard him, Andrew.

Report to the mailroom immediately.

Yes, Uncle Stan.

Here's my executive parking pass.

My company cell phone.

and my key to the secret employee surveillance room. Which we do not have.

Well, I guess this is it.

Goodbye, dream of a lifetime.

Goodbye, hopes and aspirations.

Goodbye, Frank.

There, you happy now?

Ecstatic. But we'd be even happier if you let us help you find a replacement

Miles. Fine, you do that, but you could do something else for me. Anything, Sam.

Make that stop!

Now, remember, every news magazine in town is after this fellow, so let's make

sure we're all on the same page.

And we'll pitch FYI. Frank.

Hmm? Are you with us? Oh, I was just wondering if the mail has come yet.

Has it?

Oh, for crying out loud. Frank, we keep telling you, Andrew's not going to try

to get back at you. That would be a lot more reassuring if you hadn't spent the

last week yelling, fire in the hole, every time I started my car.

Oh, God.

Paycheck time!

Corky, here's your paycheck.

Jim, here's one for you. Ooh, nice big fat one for you, Miss Brown.

Hey, Andrew, where's my check?

How careless of me.

Here you are, Frank.

Hey, I almost forgot. What's doing with the new executive producer?

Line up some hot new golden boy to replace Mia?

Why do you ask, Andrew?

No reason.

Just wondering when to make the guy feel at home.

Golden Boy? Well, actually, we stopped looking. Completely, right, guys? So,

where's this hot new Golden Boy we're supposed to be meeting?

Hello? Didn't anybody else read the memo? Meet the guy from 2020?

Maybe the guy we're looking for? He's from 2020.

Plumbing!

We got this hot new plumber coming in. Well, we had no choice. Frank clogged

sink in his dressing room again.

Frank, man, how many times do I have to tell you? Never, ever brush over the

sink.

Come on, in your hands, a comb is like a loaded gun.

Well, looks like I found the right place.

Well, Andrew, sorry you have to go so soon. Really, really sorry.

I'm so glad you could make it. What a pleasure. This is Jim Dial, Corky

Sherwood, Frank Fontana, I'm Murphy Brown. How are you?

Miller Redfield.

I know you're busy, dude, but listen, there's this toilet in my office and it

won't stop running.

Listen, maybe you could stop by and take a look at it later.

Uh, I'm not sure you've got the right... You are the best, man. Thanks.

So, welcome to Ed Blight.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

You know, I have to tell you, I'm a huge fan.

If I came aboard, I wouldn't change a thing. Well, that's exactly what we

to hear.

Hey, new person.

Hello, new person. Andrew.

Oh, don't worry about me. Just go about your business.

I am curious to hear your views on the use of unnamed sources.

Well, I'm not real comfortable with unnamed sources. I generally prefer not

use them. Of course, these things need to be decided on a case -by -case basis.

You can't simply... Excuse me? Oh, I'm sorry. Was I breathing too loud, Miss

Brown? Sorry.

I asked me, you know, I nearly died last summer. But do go on. It's so

fascinating.

I guess my point was simply that we're probably all better off if we can get a

source to go on record.

Case in point, last week, we were trying to do... Would you excuse me? I have a

very important postal question I'd like to discuss with... Now,

she takes her mail very seriously.

Yes, I can see that.

Can I ask you a question?

Certainly. What is it?

Well, it's probably nothing, but it's about Murphy. There are these rumors

floating around that she's...

Difficult. Nothing could be further from the truth, wouldn't you say?

Well, that's a huge relief, because I have to tell you, things were getting a

little rocky on the 2020 set.

You won't find that around here. This place is as peaceful as the church

rectory.

there's this, um, thing that I have got to, uh, do.

No, no, no, no, no, no. This has been great. Really. Really. It's been great.

It's just that, um, well, bye.

Way to go, Murphy.

Can you have been a little more discreet? Hey, Al, don't talk to me

discreet. Oh, here he comes again. Now, now, as acting executive producer, I

have to insist that we not point fingers.

I remember one time Murrow and Severide got into this terrible tiff. They were

at each other like... Oh, yeah, that's what we need right now. Another freaking

Murrow story.

Mr. Donald! Mr. Donald!

Andrew just barricaded himself inside Studio B!

Oh, dear Lord, we'll be right there. Okay, but he's sort of threatening to

himself. Oh, no, quickly!

Murphy?

What?

Doesn't this sort of solve our problem?

What do we do with the audience?

Have Jesse, the boom guy, go out and show them his tattoo.

The one on his arm.

Marilyn, Marilyn, go in the green room, would you? Tell Jamie Fowler the show is

still starting on time, and no, he cannot go across the street to get a

Good God, man, what on earth do you think you're doing? You're not going to

him out like that. He's right, you know. You've got to do it more like this.

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow!

What an honor.

The famous Murphy Brown.

Yeah, well, we're a little busy here, so could I give you an autograph another

time? I think it's starting to get tender.

With all the poking and screaming, I forgot to introduce myself, Kay Carter

Shepley, executive producer of Celebrity Faith Off 2000, the show that you and

the amazing vent voice seem determined to keep off the air.

Well, if we did, I'd say we'd be doing you a favor. Look at this place. It's

like Bob Barker's head exploded in here.

Dan, your nephew has crawled into my vent and he won't come out. And while I

think his shrieking might actually liven up the game, you know how easily Tom

Bosley gets spooked.

What?

Andrew can't stay in that vent.

Celebrity face -off 2000 has to go on the air.

It's the linchpin of my entire network. Roll something.

But, Dan, you always tell us FYI is the linchpin of your entire network.

You're so sweet.

You cut yourself, I bet you bleed sugar.

Now get out of my way, I'm going to make him bleed.

Andrew! Let me have a word with the boy.

Don't.

Oh, Andrew.

Andrew, it's Jim Dial.

Listen, son.

I'd like to share a few words with you that Edward R. Murrow himself once told

me.

I've got a green room full of geriatric celebrities who are rapidly losing bone

mass.

Yeah, yeah, keep your girdle on. I haven't had a whack at this yet.

Andrew, running FYI was sort of a dream of yours, wasn't it? And now that dream

is dead, isn't it, Andrew?

No kidding.

I want you to know I had a dream die, Andrew, and I know how it feels.

It hurts.

It hurts real bad.

So, what was your dream, Miss Brown? What was your dream that died?

My dream? Well, I really don't see how that's real. No, no, Murphy, go ahead.

Share your dream with him, really. It might help.

All of us.

Okay,

you want to know what my dream was?

My dream was... I wanted to be a ballerina.

A ballerina?

Yes, Andrew, but the point is my dream died. It died, but it made me stronger.

It made me the person I am today.

Hoo -hoo -hoo, a ballerina!

How about it, Andrew? Will you come out of the vent now?

Well, you do seem to understand what I'm going through.

Oh, I do, Andrew.

So, um, what do you think?

Well... No!

I'm not coming out of the vent!

or what he could win.

Andrew, if you come out of the vent, you could be winging your way to lovely

Puerto Vallarta, where you and a guest will stay for seven fabulous, fun

nights at the Comfort Castle and Casino. Comfort Castle, where comfort always

comes first.

Oh, yeah, this is gonna work.

Okay.

Sure, use Johnny. I didn't know I could use Johnny. All I had to work with were

my wild.

And a terrific ballerina story.

Well, yeah.

Was that a crack?

What?

That you buried your soul to a room full of people?

That you were courageous enough to reveal your deepest, innermost dream?

To glide daintily across the stage in a delicate pink tutu?

Yeah, well... Was that a crack?

I'd love to chat.

But unless you plan on spinning the big wheel... Live from Washington, D .C.,

it's Celebrity Face -Off 2000, where yesterday's stars meet tomorrow's

billionaires, and everybody wins!

Webster's Dictionary.

Morning, guys.

Morning, Frank. Hey, where'd the tokens come from?

I don't know. They were here when we came in.

To FYI, from your biggest fan.

Cool. A fan.

Hello, FYI. Morning, Sam.

Hi, Sam.

Want to try chocolate?

I think they're Belgian.

No, thanks.

Andrew escaped from security.

They think he's going around the building injecting boxes of candy with

-eating bacteria.

Anyway, I have a name to run by you for the new executive producer.

Stan, if you say Walter Cronkite, I may just have to kiss you.

Well, that is an incentive.

I think maybe this is better.

What do you think about Kay Carter Shepley?

That's not better than Cronkite.

She's not just a game show lady.

She's done soap operas and Late Night and Children's Program. She fixed a

of shows for this network. Well, we don't need fixing it. We don't need her.

Gee, that's too bad, because I already gave her the job.

What?

Casey!

They are thrilled to have you.

Thrilled.

But if you happen to find yourself on fire, remember, it's stop,

drop, and roll.

Look,

I know that this is awkward for everyone, but if you just give it some

you're... You're from a game show, right? Let me tell you how our little

played. We give you a category, like, say, people who are never going to be

executive producers of FYI, and then we supply you with clues, like Stalin, TV's

Patsy, you.

Look, I know you think I'm some game show Gumby who's going to ruin FYI, but

going to prove to you that I'm a right person for this job.

After all, wasn't it Edward R. Murrow who once said, the only measure of a

journalist should be his thirst for truth?

Is that true, Jim?

Well, yes.

Yes, it is.

Well, I have that thirst.

Don't you think if you asked Miles Silverberg, he'd tell you that's the

quality that made him such a great executive producer?

Is that true, Corky?

Yes. Yes, it is.

So how about it?

What do you say we work together and take FYI into the next millennium?

I like to do danger stories.

You're my man.

Well, I suppose we owe you at least a chance.

Jim. Yeah.

Good luck.

Thank you, Courtney.

Murphy. No, no, no, no. Murphy doesn't have to say anything.

The truth is... I'm going to win you over.

And I'm going to do it by being the best damn executive producer you've ever

had.

Give her a chance.

Really, Slugger. She does seem willing to do her best.

You know, I bet Andrew's still available.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you, Murphy.

Thank you all. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this show of support, and

I assure you I will do everything I can to earn your respect.

That said, you cross me, I will shred you like Chinese chicken.

8 a .m. sharp with a urine sample.

And Montana, it better be your own.