Original subtitles

Look,

I know we're scheduled to stay at your place.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, Corky, but I have to be in Arlington on

Wednesday, and it really would be easier for me to get there from my place.

That's all well and good, Miles, but I have a hair appointment on Wednesday

morning, and the salon is near my place.

Okay, no problem.

We'll stay at your place.

Tuesday and Thursday. And my place, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. After

we will go back to our usual schedule of bi -weekly rotations with alternating

Wednesdays. Jeez, the telecommunications bill was less complicated than your

living arrangements.

Haven't you guys decided whose apartment you're going to live in yet? No, we

haven't. That isn't fair, Miles. You already have the weekend. I realize

honey, but you know the weekend is our special time.

Yeah? So?

So, when we're at your place doing special things.

I feel like your cat is always there watching me, studying

me, judging me.

Well, Miles, that isn't exactly his fault. I mean, those noises you make do

sound an awful lot like his favorite squeaky toy.

Hey, have you guys never thought about buying a house?

I tell you, I was up in Ravensport last week. They have got some great real

estate values up there. How great?

Really great.

Prime, well -located lots, motivated sellers. I'm telling you, with interest

rates the way they are now, is the time to buy.

Really?

You know, Miles, maybe we should take a drive up there. You know, check out some

houses. A house?

Us? Buy a house.

With a lawn that needs to be mowed and no takeout food within miles.

Oh, and then, when something breaks down, you're at the mercy of big...

Sweaty workmen who stare longingly at you while they make impressions of our

house keys in their chewing gum so they can come back and kill me in my sleep.

Yeah, a house.

Wait a minute. Crime lots, interest rates, motivated sellers. Since when did

become so fascinated with real estate, Frank?

Well, I met this woman. Oh, boy. You're found strong.

We were at the gym. We got to talking. She asked me what I did. Wait a minute.

She didn't recognize you from FYI?

Well, you know, I look a little different at the gym in my bandana and

shirt.

Anyway, then I asked her what she did. She said she was a real estate agent.

So, let me guess.

Then she walked to the juice bar and you spent the rest of the time on the

treadmill trying to decide how to ask her out when, finally, out of

you chased after her and told her you were interested in buying a house.

Oh, you think you know everything. First of all, I was on the Stairmaster.

And second, the rest is pretty much the way you said it.

Look, this woman is different. Tara is so special. She's beautiful, funny,

intelligent. Oh, God, Frank, don't say she's the one.

She might be. She certainly has most of the criteria for the one.

So, then what's the problem? Just ask her out. I can't do that. Why not? You

women out all the time? Well, that's because they don't care that much about

them. You know, they're not the one. I mean, you can't just walk up and ask out

the one.

What if she says no?

Then you've got to ask another one.

And let's face it, how many ones do you come across in your lifetime? Two, three

times.

So let me get this straight, Frank. If you don't want to go out with a woman,

you can ask her out. Right. But if you do want to go out with a woman, you

ask her out. There you go. You're insane.

So what do you suggest I do?

Well, it's a little radical, but I suggest you drop this stupid pretense of

buying a house and ask a woman out.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe you're right.

But what if I scare her off?

French has already seen you in your bandana and muscle shirt your way past

point of scaring her off.

Oh, man, what a day.

I can't wait to get home, kick off my shoes, and take off my pantyhose.

Oh, what the hell? Why wait?

It's going to have to be uncomfortable until you get home, like the rest of us.

Although some of us won't actually get to be home for another four days.

I'm sorry you feel that way, honey, but somebody forced you to trade the end of

this week for three floating days in July.

Well, it wouldn't be such a big deal if you didn't insist on a shuttling back

and forth between apartments like carny folk.

Well, the important thing is we'll all be home soon.

Oh, no, I almost forgot.

Hey, you guys, you don't mind if we make a short stop, do you? Yeah, of course

we might.

You know the rule, Frank.

No errands on carpool day. Or have you forgotten the four -hour odyssey to find

a Ben & Jerry's willing to take Murphy's 20 -cent -off coupon that expired three

months ago? And when we finally found it, didn't it make it taste all the

sweeter? We don't know. You wouldn't let us have any.

Why are you getting on the Beltway? Hmm?

Oh, it's just a little further.

How much further?

Five -ten.

40 minutes. All right, Frank, where are we going? And this better be good. And

I'm talking fate of the world, life or death. Timmy's trapped in a mine unless

he's barking at the kitchen door. All right, it's a house, okay? I promised

that I'd stop by right after work and have a look at this house. What, Tara?

real estate woman? I thought you were going to play it straight with her. No

more tricks or gimmicks or lies.

Look, I know what you guys are thinking, but...

Going to these open houses with Tara these last few weeks has really allowed

to slow things down in our relationship and really get to know each other.

I'm telling you, this has been the best dating experience of my life. That's

very nice, Frank, but don't you think it might have something to do with the

fact that she doesn't know you're actually dating?

I don't know what the problem is. We're going to be there in another hour.

An hour?

You said 40 minutes.

Well, you know, I've already told you about the house. There's no point in

about the rest of it. So how far is it really?

An hour and a half.

Oh,

my

God.

This is a big house.

You think?

Just because it has a visitor center?

waving to us from the south wing.

Which means if she leaves now, she should get here by daybreak.

Wow. Very impressive, Frank. Of course, I've always been a sucker for any home

that comes with its own serfs. Crops look good, though.

You know, Miles, I was a little on the fence about this whole house thing, but

now I... I really want one.

Like this?

You want a house like this?

No, of course not.

a pad so close to the aviary.

Let's look around and get some ideas.

Just out of curiosity, Frank, why would Tara be showing you Wayne Manor? Unless,

of course, and this is probably it, you're Batman.

You know, I didn't want her to think I was just messing around.

Frank, this place has six turrets and a bell for you are just messing around.

Now just stop this stupid charade and ask her out.

Frank, you made it. Oh, there you are, Tara. Well, you know me, just cough.

Come running.

You're so funny.

So, aren't you going to introduce me?

Oh, yeah. This is my friend Murphy, who's just my friend.

Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you.

So, Frank, what do you think? Don't you just love this place? Oh, it sure is

big.

Is it?

I just knew you'd love it. You know, every place you looked at, you said was

missing something. So, I found a place that has everything for only $5 million.

Only $5 million.

$5 million.

Hmm. Great, great.

Tara, I think Frank has something he'd like to ask you. Frank, don't you have

something you'd like to ask Tara?

Oh, yeah, right. Well, actually,

I... I'll bet I know what it is.

Oh, really? I think you're going to be happy.

Yes. This house has both an indoor basketball court and a solarium that

northern light.

I'm happy.

You asked for a solarium?

So picky.

So, what do you say, Frank? Are you ready to call this place home?

Ah, well, uh, look, don't get me wrong. This is a great, big,

wonderful, big house.

But, um, I don't know. It's just... What?

It's just... Go ahead, Frank. Tell her.

It's missing something.

Oh.

I thought this was exactly what you wanted.

Well, look, don't beat yourself up about this, okay? I mean, really, we just

keep looking, okay? And I don't care how long it takes. Weeks, months, years. So

how's next Saturday?

I don't know, Frank. I mean, if this isn't the right place, I don't know what

else to show you.

In fact, I'm starting to wonder if I'm the right agent for you. Now, don't you

say that.

We're perfect together.

Well, that's sweet of you to say, but I really don't see any point in going on.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

I'll take it. What?

I'll take it. The house?

This house?

It's got northern lights.

Come on, Murph, you have to admit, that house was too good to pass up.

I mean, did you get a look at the master bathroom?

It had its own home entertainment center.

With surrounds.

sound no less.

Yeah, that's nice.

Remind me to bring my own chair on movie night.

Listen, Frank, what the hell were you thinking? What are you going to do with

house that big? I'm going to live in it. You know, you may not know this about

me, but basically, I'm a homebody.

Oh, please. You've had your condo for 15 years, and I think I can honestly say

that Joe's had more furniture than you.

Every financial expert I've talked to says that buying a home is the best

investment you can make. Miles, of course, you back me up here, guys.

I'm not sure we're the ones to ask.

After a long night of discussion, we came to the mutual conclusion that the

Sherwood Silverbergs are not currently in the market for a house.

Isn't that right, honey?

Don't call me honey.

Well, if you want to know what I think, I think Apparel Legs just sold you a $5

million house. Oh, I see what's going on here. You're jealous.

What? You are jealous that I'm going to have a bigger house than you.

Tell me, Frank, did a coconut fall on your head when we were walking through

part of your property with a lagoon?

Your house is big and stupid, just like you.

Okay, fine. You make your clever little comments, but at least I avoided first

-time buyer's trap of buying too small.

He said, Frank, your strategy didn't work. You bought a house to get the

and now you've got the house and no girl. What are you talking about?

Okay. Let's just say for the sake of argument that there was the tiniest

asthmatic spark of a relationship. By buying the house, all you've done is

it out. No more open houses, no more Tara.

Frank, I'm glad I caught you.

I'm sorry I didn't call ahead, but I had to see you. You did?

That's just great.

I'm all yours, Tara.

Great. I rushed the paperwork, and I wanted to get your signature.

The house is such a steal, I didn't want anyone to grab it out from under you.

Oh, that that can happen?

Absolutely, all the time.

That's why I need you to sign me.

Oh, so, do you want me to sign this now?

Well, I know how much you want this house.

Oh, I don't think you do.

Do you want me to sign right there, huh?

Congratulations, Frank.

The house is yours.

It's not, I mean, really mine yet, is it? I mean, you know, there's just,

Oh, boy, lots of stuff to do. Now our work really begins, doesn't it? We've

those loan approvals, inspections.

We're going to be working pretty closely together for some time to come, I would

say, wouldn't you?

Actually, this is where my involvement ends. What?

You'll be getting a call from Mr. Kirshner in our post sales department.

He's been doing this for over 50 years. He'll have you in your house tomorrow.

Oh, great.

Well, I guess this is it.

I can't tell you, Frank, what a pleasure it was working with you.

Frank.

What? You can't go through with this. Go after her. Get those papers back.

Unless you think that Kirshner guy could be the one.

I don't know. I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to be like all those

other guys who lead her on and then just forfeit their deposit and break her

heart. So then what's your plan now?

Oh, for God's sake. Tara, just wait a minute.

Because...

because this lovely couple down here would like to talk to you. They're just

dying to buy a house. Oh, are you in the market?

Nope. But we'd like to be, wouldn't we, honey? Don't call me honey.

Okay, smart guy, you just spent a fortune you don't have on a house you

want and can't afford just to be with a woman who doesn't even know you're

interested in her. So now get your landowning ass over there and ask her

I don't know, Murph. I'm still waiting for the right moment.

Frank, the right moment was back when you were on the Stairmaster five million

dollars ago. Oh, right.

Oh, Tara, you know, I was wondering, how would you feel about, well, look,

you know, now that I'm a homeowner, I was thinking maybe, well, would you

consider... Are you inviting me to a housewarming, Frank?

Yes, yes, that's it.

But, you know, really, it's not for a few weeks yet, so you don't have to

me now. As a matter of fact, I'd prefer if you didn't answer me. Really, I don't

want to know.

I'd love to.

But we'll see each other before then. We will?

Absolutely. When you come by my office tomorrow to drop off that million

down payment check.

She digs me.

Hey, Miles.

Having a good time?

Actually, I think you served these chips at your Super Bowl party.

Oh, that's great. Hey, Miles, have you seen Tara come in yet?

No, but that doesn't mean anything. I spent the last 20 minutes lost in the

kitchen.

That's great, isn't it?

Italian modern.

It's state -of -the -art, too. You know, only me and the guy who owns Fiat have

those fixtures.

Well, you better give him a call because this came off in my hand.

Can you just tear the door open?

Oh, Frank, there you are. Oh, hey, Jim.

Are you and Doris having a good time? I haven't seen you since you got in. Oh,

splendid. We were just admiring your, um... Well, I'm not sure what kind of

that is.

I've only seen a room like that once, and that was in one of the great castles

outside the lovely city of Edinburgh.

God, well, actually, that is the room from the castle outside the lovely city

Edinburgh. The previous owners bought it and had it shipped over here.

Oh, well, that explains it.

Magnificent workmanship.

Oh, by the way, this came off in my hand.

Hey, Jim, listen, I just want to ask you something.

I don't know. Did you ever, like, make an impulsive decision and then after a

little time went by, thought to yourself, maybe I made a mistake. Maybe

wasn't the smartest thing in the world to do.

If you're suggesting that my move to ICN is wrong -headed, you can blow it out

your ear.

Oh, sure, maybe they're not throwing buckets of money at me that I can throw

away on this $5 million boondoggle you call a house. But I get along just fine,

thank you very much. Good day.

Frank, I have got to tell you, I was just in your laundry room, and I have

seen anything so magnificent in my whole life.

The chandeliers, the marble pillars.

Bladed cherubs lining the window seat, one of which unfortunately came off in

hand. Can you believe that detail?

Yeah, it's really great, isn't it?

Did you just hear the door?

No, I don't think so.

Frank, you haven't opened our housewarming gift yet.

Oh, yeah, right.

It's a book for your library.

It's the first edition of The Great Gatsby.

Really? Oh, hey.

That is really...

Sweet of you guys.

It's a wonderful story, too. The hero buys this incredible mansion just to

impress the love of his life, but it ends up not working, and he dies all

face down in his pool.

How many of you have a pool?

This is great, isn't it?

I've got a book.

I've got a shelf.

I've got a $5 million house that I can't afford. Oh, God, what a book. Miles.

Miles, look, you'd better help me. Look, there must be some extra shows lying

around that need a host.

Sorry, Frank, there's nothing... Oh, come on, Miles, there's got to be

now. I know, I know what I can do. I can be the weatherman on the morning show,

yeah? No, wait, better idea. I know, I can go on to Letterman.

He can sort of attach me to things and throw stuff at me.

I'll get paid for that, right?

Uh, I don't know. Hey, isn't that the door? Oh, yeah.

Hi, Frank.

Sorry I'm late. I was out shopping for a housewarming present.

It's not easy getting a gift for a guy who has a room for everything.

Well, thanks, Murph.

Where is it? Well, I said it wasn't easy.

So, how are things going at the time?

She didn't come.

Oh. Well, it's early. I mean, if she missed the shuttle bus from the gate,

a three -mile walk. Anything left to eat?

Party's almost over. She's not coming.

I don't believe this. Not only am I stuck with this house, the woman of my

dreams has rejected me. Oh, this is just great. I hate this.

Thanks for coming by.

You know something? I'd be here now if it wasn't for you. What?

That's right. I had a strategy. I was taking things slow, but oh, no, it

good enough for you. You had to move me faster than I wanted to go, and then I

scared her off.

Oh, get real. Frank, I did you a favor. At least now you know she's not

interested in you. Oh, well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Thanks for the support about Tara, about the house, about everything. Do me a

favor, okay? Next time, just butt out.

Fine. This is what I get for being a friend.

Well, enjoy your house, Frank. You deserve it.

Oh, by the way, this came off in my hand.

Hi.

Oh, you're still here?

I thought you were left by now.

Well, I tried about three times, but I couldn't find my way out.

Look, Frank, I know I was a little hard on you, and you're probably feeling

pretty bad right now. It's okay, Marguerite. You know, you don't have to

apologize. It's okay.

You were right all along. It was a stupid strategy.

I don't know what I was thinking. She's never really interested in me.

I just got to face reality.

That's a great idea.

But before you do, you might want to give me your belt and shoelaces first.

Let me ask you something.

How did this happen? How did I get into this mess?

Easy. You have a big heart, a sensitive soul, and a loan officer who apparently

has the math abilities of a three -year -old.

Look,

Frank, I'm sorry Tara's not the one.

And I know you've heard me say this before, but someday you'll meet the

one. And when you do, you won't have to work as hard because she'll appreciate

you for who you are.

And if she doesn't, you can just lock her in that dungeon you've got

Thanks, Murph. Hey, are you as starved as I am?

More.

Okay, we got two choices. We can either go to the barn and slaughter something,

or we can drive 20 miles to the nearest McDonald's.

I can't afford McDonald's anymore, Murph.

I tell you what, it's on me.

Hi, Frank.

Sorry I'm so late, but I had a house to show.

Oh, uh, it's, uh... Look, no problem, really. That's your job.

Can I make it up to you by taking you to dinner?

Look, uh, it's okay, Tara.

You don't have to take me to dinner anymore.

I've already bought the house.

Actually, I wasn't talking about a business dinner.

You weren't?

But if you already have plans. Me? No. No plans. Nothing.

Here,

Mark.

Lock up for me, okay?

Best five mil I ever spent.

You know, Frank, you may not believe this, but I wanted to ask you out since

first moment I saw you in the gym.

Isn't that funny?

Really? It is funny.