Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, and you must be my new secretary.

Hi, John Rowan. And just so you know, I plan on being around for a long time.

Yeah, well, we'll see.

Donut? No, I mean I plan to live a long time, and I don't think a donut would

fit into that strategy.

You see, I follow a very strict health regimen. No meat, no dairy, no sugar.

Guess how old I am. I'd really rather not. Oh, no, go ahead. Or are you scared

to find out that you've been living the wrong way?

You're 43.

What?

I don't look 43.

I look 27.

There's no way I look 43.

How old are you? 43.

But I don't look 43.

Because if I did, that would mean I've wasted the last 18 years depriving

of anything that even remotely stimulates my taste buds.

You know, now that I get a closer look, maybe you could pass for 27.

Really? You think?

Well, And just one donut won't hurt.

Don't break the box.

Murphy, these are for you.

Ooh, flowers for Murphy.

Who sent them? I don't know.

The card isn't signed.

What does it say?

It's a love poem.

Ooh, a love poem for Murphy.

Can I see?

Who would send me a love poem?

I don't know, but he even found a rhyme for Murphy.

Astro -turfy?

I wonder what it could be.

Ooh, a mystery man.

Oh,

geez, more flowers?

They're beautiful.

Wow, Murphy really does have a secret admirer. I can't believe it. Why, is

so hard to believe?

Well, you're not exactly the warmest.

I mean, on the surface, you seem kind of... I'm surprised it doesn't happen

often.

It's wonderful when a man buys a woman flowers just to show he loves her.

Even if he forgets to say it. Because he sees her so often that he's beginning

to take their relationship for granted.

I'm gonna go make a phone call.

And who do you think this guy is, Murph? I don't know, but it shouldn't be too

hard to figure out. All we have to do is put together a list of everyone who's

completely and utterly infatuated with me.

Oh, God, we don't have that kind of time. Come on, thanks for helping me get

these gloves into my office.

These came for you, too.

package for you there's more you know this is starting to remind me of that

secret of mario you once had remember frank no sure you do remember you kept

getting all those gifts but it turned out you were really just sending them to

yourself because somebody commented that had been a really long time since you

had a girlfriend and you told me never to tell another soul so what's inside

that box oh wow look this is amazing it's me

I wish somebody cared enough about me to put my face on a light bright. I gotta

go to the toy store.

Well, whoever sent this, Murphy, must like you an awful lot.

I'm dying to know who's behind this.

Hello, FYI.

I just stopped by to... Wow, look at all the pretty flowers.

Boy, what could they be for?

Corky? Frank?

You, Miss Brown?

Uh, yeah.

Apparently Murphy has a secret admirer, Andrew.

Really?

Well, whoever it is, he must be one very special fella.

And what's this?

Why, Miss Brown, it's you.

And what an incredible likeness.

Uncanny. Yeah.

Uncanny.

Well, it's pretty clear who Murphy's secret admirer is. No doubt about it.

George Clooney. What?

George Clooney, that's who my secret admirer is. We ran into each other last

month. He told me he thought I was very bright, bright, bright, bright. See,

it's George Clooney. It all connects. I'm going to call George. Oh, Murphy,

it. Now, you know it's Andrew.

Okay, it's Andrew.

God, I vote Republican once in a minor election, and this is what happens to

So, Miss Brown, whoever sent you these flowers, were they to your liking?

Um, well, yeah, I guess they're nice.

Oh, that's so wonderful.

For whoever might have sent them.

What I mean is, they're nice now, but once they start to rot, they'll probably

remind me of the fleeting nature of life, and I might have to hold that

whoever might have sent them to me.

Oh, I see.

So if this lovestruck fool knew what was good for him, he wouldn't send you any

more flowers?

No, he wouldn't. He'd send you something more permanent, something everlasting,

something from Tiffany's.

I hope this brief -bending Lothario knows your correct ring size. Good day,

Brown.

Wouldn't be the one spending the entire interview treading water.

Murphy, are you listening?

I'm sorry, Jim.

So, how are things at the ICN network?

Well, even though a pipe burst and flooded our studio, Bill Bradley still

to go ahead with his interview.

What does he care? He's 6 '6". He wouldn't be the one spending the entire

interview treading water.

Murphy, are you listening?

I'm sorry, Jim.

So, how are things at the ICN network?

Oh, Lord, Slugger, I've been through this blasted story three times. What's

your mind?

Oh, I've got this problem. I don't know what to do about it. I've been

getting... Gifts from a secret admirer. Oh, come now.

Starry -eyed man infatuated with a beautiful woman. What could be more

Dear God, fourth sign of the apocalypse.

Murphy, there you are.

Oh, hi, Stan.

Hello, Stan.

What was that? It sounded like a voice.

A voice from beyond the grave.

Oh, come now, Stan. Surely you're still out holding a grudge. There it is again.

Oh, come on, Stan. I know... or upset that Jim quit, but can't you at least be

civil to him?

Of course I can.

So, how is that decaying dung heap of a network you work for, you traitorous

dog? If you were going to ICN, it's doing fine. Thank you very much, Dan.

Congratulations. That must mean that your anchor with the acne finally got

braces off.

You've been watching our broadcast.

You'd like to think so, wouldn't you?

I'll talk to you later, Murphy.

I can see this conversation is going nowhere.

Yeah, just like your career.

I go back to ICN dial. You're nothing. You hear me? Nothing. You are

nothing.

Have you noticed how bitter Jim has become recently?

Listen, I need some advice about my nephew, Andrew.

And I figured I'd talk to you because you two are so close.

Close? I want to kill myself after I've been in the same room with him for more

than five minutes.

Five minutes? I have seen people throw themselves from moving buses after only

five seconds.

Anyway, Andrew is acting weird lately.

Weirder than usual.

Now, it wouldn't bother me normally, but...

It's affecting his work. I mean, Andrew's great value to me has always

he doesn't feel remorse or pity or cold or a paperweight thrown

at his head.

But he's losing his edge that he needs to be a great hatchet man.

Stan, I think Andrew has a crush on me.

Don't even joke about that.

I'm not joking, Stan. He's been sending me flowers and candy.

Well, it was in candy. It doesn't mean anything.

And a light bright with my face on it.

Sweet mother of God.

It's starting all over again.

Murphy, you have to do something about this. Do you have a plan?

Well, I don't know. I was just sort of counting on it blowing over.

An Andrew crush never blows over.

But if you confront Andrew with it now, perhaps we can smother this sick...

Three minutes infancy. Couldn't I just smother him?

If only it was that easy.

A man can hold his breath for upwards of 30 minutes.

All right.

Good. But do it quickly. We have this network theme night coming up, and

really is the only one who can coerce all the other shows to take part in

Far Out Friday.

He's selling some deodorant.

Jim, you're nothing! You're one!

I'm sorry, just somebody who resembles Jim.

Jamie Far Out Friday.

Hello, Miss Brown. Who's this?

Uh, nobody.

Don't go far.

So, Uncle Stan said you wanted to talk to me.

All right, Andrew, I know what you've been up to, and I want it to stop.

But it's too late, Miss Brown. The satellites are already in position.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about all these gifts I've been getting.

Oh, that.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Come on, Andrew. We both know you're my secret admirer. Me?

Your secret admirer?

Oh,

that's a good one, Miss Brown. Laugh with me.

All right, it was me.

Oh, Andrew, this crush of yours is very flattering in an of mice and

men sort of way, and you're hardly the first man to be swept away by my... Oh,

well, it's just... say it, bewitching feminine charms, but I'm just not

interested in you romantically.

You're not?

No. Not even a little? Not even a little.

Well, I hope this doesn't offend you, Miss Brown, but I'm not interested in

either. The truth is, I cooked up this whole campaign just to get you to fall

hopelessly in love with me so I could impress Uncle Stan.

What? Yes. You see...

Lately, I've been on the outs with him, and I thought I could help my image by

dating such a powerful and important woman.

So you're not infatuated with me? No.

Not even a little?

Not even a little.

So you've been callously manipulating my emotions just so you could use me as a

prop in your selfish rise to corporate power?

I'm afraid so.

Thank God.

That, and to try to get you to go with me to Uncle Stan's swanky exclusive

party. What party? Only the biggest party of the social season.

It was my vain hope that all the invited kings, past presidents, heads of state,

and Armando Sante would see me trolling arm in arm with a glamorous, world

-renowned journalist such as yourself.

Oh, what a fool I was.

Armand DeSante?

Yes, Armand DeSante.

But what's it matter?

You would never dream of going to that party now, would you?

Well, it does kind of conflict with my plans.

What plans?

To not be seen with you ever.

Well, what if we didn't go together? What if we both just happened to be

alone? No.

What if we didn't even talk to each other?

No.

What if I never look directly at you and I never get within three feet of you?

Five feet and you never breathe a word of this to anyone.

Oh, thank you, Miss Brown. Thank you, thank you. You saved my career.

Yes. Well, off to help others.

Thanks again, Miss Brown.

See you at the party.

Andrew. Oh, right.

Are you sure I'm not early? Early?

Why, I find the very idea of Madam being early amusing.

Wait until I tell the staff that Madam thought she was early.

Oh, how they'll laugh.

So where's Andrew?

Hello!

Welcome to Uncle Stan's party, Miss Brown. Look, I brought you a corsage.

let me pin it on you. Five feet, Andrew.

Here, let me toss it to you.

Oh, very well.

Oh, my.

Uncle Dan has really outdone himself this year, don't you think, Miss Brown?

Yeah. Andrew, I don't mean to nitpick, but where is everybody?

That's an excellent question.

Hendricks, were there any messages?

None, sir. Are you sure?

Oh, yes.

How forgetful of me.

These came for him.

Ah, Armand called from the set to say he's running a little late.

Oh, and the Chinese have severed all diplomatic ties with the U .S. again, so

Ambassador Chang won't be attending.

And everyone else is.

Hendricks?

All roots.

What the hell is going on here? Where's Stan?

I don't know.

Hendricks, go find Uncle Stan. Tell him his guests are arriving, and he'd better

get down here now!

And away I go.

See, Miss Brown, we'll be here. Five minutes, Andrew. He doesn't show, I'm

Fair enough, Miss Brown.

Well, while we're waiting, let's find our tables, shall we?

Oh, look.

Here you are.

Table number 12.

Oh, here I am, too.

Oh, happy day.

Isn't this nice?

No one between us, but...

Hubert Humphrey.

Hubert Humphrey? Hubert Humphrey's dead.

He is?

Uncle Stan will be devastated.

All right, that's it. I'm out of here. Wait, Miss Brown. Please don't go.

miss the big surprise Uncle Stan had planned.

that funny little dance I used to do for you? Huh?

But I'll see Mr. Frank Fontana. Oh, thank God.

Frank, what are you doing here? You're going to ruin everything.

I happened to be in the neighborhood and I thought I said, hey, a party. I

didn't know you were having a party. Where is the party?

Ms.

Brown and I were enjoying a quiet moment alone.

Did you hear me, Frank?

Alone.

Come on, Frank. Let's go.

Wait. Please let him go. We were meant for each other. Listen, you little

cretin. The only thing you and I were meant for is a restraining order. Now

this into your missile -shaped noggin. You and I are never going to be

Never.

Come on, Frank. Let's go

before we discover the bridge has been washed out and we have to stay the

No, and since when do you care so much about Andrew?

Herb, the guy just had his heart stepped on.

Oh, please, you're just afraid he's going to blame you for this. No, I'm not

afraid he's going to blame me for this. I'm afraid he's going to kill me for

this. I'm going to go find him and talk to him. Fine, Frank, do what you think

is right. I say he got what he deserved.

What are you pips staring at?

We've been at this for three and a half minutes. Can't we just say we tried and

go home? No, he's got to be here somewhere.

You know, you're right. We tried. Let's go home. What's in there, Frank?

Nothing. Nothing at all. Out of my way.

Oh, my God.

It's a shrine.

To me.

I don't think we should be in here, Murph.

Where did he get all this stuff?

Newspaper clippings, photo...

Look at this.

A little Andrew and Murphy doll. Oh, jeez.

Miss Brown, Frank, what are you doing here? Andrew, explain this. This? Well,

actually, it's quite easy to... I think I hear our guests arriving.

Andrew, it's me, Armando Sante.

It's Armando Sante. Come, let me introduce you. Andrew, Armando Sante

here. He's not?

No. Oh, boy. First Hubert Humphrey, now Armando Sante. Asante?

This party's a bust.

Hey, what happened to my head?

Andrew, you swore to me the other day that you had no romantic feelings for me

whatsoever.

All right, I lied.

I love you, Miss Brown.

I thought I could change your mind with a little atmosphere, a little music, a

little dancing.

You know, change my mind is a little lobotomy.

Murphy, let me... Listen, Andrew... I don't know exactly how to

put this, but I don't think things are going to work out between you and

Why, Frank? What did I do wrong?

I don't know. Sometimes these things happen.

Is it me? Is it my fault?

No, it's not you, Andrew. It's...

It's

not that...

That Murphy doesn't like you. She does.

But she likes you more as a friend.

A friend?

But I love Miss Brown.

I always have.

She's so strong.

So forceful.

So commanding.

Can you imagine what it feels like, Frank?

How it feels to know the woman you love despises you?

Won't let you see her. Can't stand to be in the same room with you. Gets

choleride D so she never has to talk to you again. Thank you, Frank.

Look, Andrew.

I'm sorry, but this is never going to happen.

Never? Never.

What was I thinking?

How could a miserable wretch like me ever expect to live up to your awesomely

high standards?

Oh, now, come on, Andrew. Don't sell yourself short.

You've got some good qualities. I do? Like what?

Oh, I'm... You're punctual.

Well -groomed.

And you're a nonconformist. You do whatever you think is right, no matter

or anyone else or even Amnesty International might say.

Thank you, Miss Brown. That's very kind of you.

Well, goodbye, Andrew. And don't worry.

I'm sure there's a woman out there for you.

You're right.

There is a woman out there for me.

Thank you, Miss Brown.