Original subtitles

Because you become a young man, there's still some things that you don't

understand. Before you ask some girl for a hand now, keep your freedom for as

long as you can.

My mama told me, you better shop around.

Oh yeah, you better shop around.

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my new secretary.

Hmm, friendly, personable.

On a scale of one to ten, ten being best, I give that greeting a ten.

Excuse me.

Oh, it's just a force of habit. I used to be a critic. You know, that is an

interesting outfit.

Classic lines, navy blue is definitely your color. I give that ensemble a ten.

Great. Listen, am I going to have to listen to your opinion about everything?

Obvious question. One this reviewer has heard before.

But it shows a natural curiosity.

I would have to give that question a 10.

Okay, Ebert, review this. You're fired.

Hmm. Cruel, mean -spirited, totally unjustified.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to give that dismissal a 10.

If everyone here, you guys, are not going to believe the news, I have to

you. Go ahead.

Yes. They're taking away the speed bumps in the parking garage?

No, think better.

We're finally getting those extra research assistants we've been asking

think better.

They're going to let me anchor the evening news?

No, think remotely possible.

Come on, Miles, just go ahead and tell us. Okay.

No, yes.

Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. Come back here, come back here. This is it.

FYI is leaving the office and hitting the campaign trail.

Oh,

yeah, it is going to be so great. We're scheduled to fly into Chicago next week.

From there, the network has arranged special transportation to Madison,

Wisconsin, where we'll be kicking off our campaign coverage. It's going to be

great. All the candidates are going to be there. All right. Oh, man, I have got

so much to do. I have to book a crew. I have to arrange accommodations.

I have to call Don Hewitt.

He thought he was such hot stuff because he talked the Carnegie Deli into naming

a turkey burger after Andy Rooney.

During the campaign. Big deal. I don't know what he's so excited about. Oh, are

you kidding? Corky, this is one of the plum assignments in journalism.

You get to crisscross the country. You get a chance to meet the candidates up

close and personal.

Yeah, and then you trip them up. You get to record the candidates' every thought

and movement.

Yeah, and then you trip them up. You are a key player in the democratic process.

You get to witness history in the making. Then you dress up like a pig

infiltrate their rallies, and then you trip them up.

Frank, remember Iowa 1980 when we lost our hotel reservations?

1980. Oh, come on, Frank. We couldn't find a hotel room to save our lives, so

six of us wound up sleeping in a barn. Oh, right. When we woke up the next

morning, we witnessed a new cult being born.

It was right on top of my new suede jacket.

I mean, I can't believe I'd forgotten all this stuff. And how about that time

were following Gary Hart in the press box? Oh, yeah.

What happened?

All right.

Jack, your mom stopped snoring. You thought he was dead, so you gave him

-to -mouth.

All right, when he woke up, he tried to strangle me. I'll tell you, good thing

Broco was there to whack him over the head with his briefcase, otherwise I'd

a goner right now.

Hey, Gorky, after this trip, these are the kind of memories that you'll be

walking home with. Well, glad to be me.

Walter Mondale finger in the car door incident?

No. Well, how about the Paul Songer's hepatitis scare?

Not really.

Ross Perot and the Buffalo Stampede?

Oh, geez, I gotta start writing this stuff down.

What's this I hear about us hitting the campaign trail?

Yeah, can you believe it? Murphy has it her way. She'll have us getting

strangled on a bus and sleeping with farm animals.

Well, I hate buses.

continues to hold us in its unrelenting grip.

Behind us, only asphalt.

Ahead of us, more asphalt.

Listen to the rhythm of the road.

Yellow, then black.

Yellow, then black.

Yellow, then black.

The intrepid reporter has grown tired of yellow and black.

You know, if I had to guess, I'd say it was this switch.

Don't touch!

I'm sorry. Sorry, guys, but the TechnoLiner 2000 is a very, very new,

expensive bus. And Lansing said he would hold me personally responsible if

anything happened to it.

Miles, it's an $800 ,000 bus. He can't mean personally responsible.

Oh, really? If anything happens to the TechnoLiner 2000, guess who's going to

spending the next 10 years scraping barnacles off the hull of the SS

would just like to go over a few of the innovative features of the

TechnoLiner 2000.

Now. I'm sure you'll all agree the T -2000 is pretty darn special.

Special. They probably just redecorated the old NFL today, Buzz. In fact, if you

crank the heat up on this thing, I bet you can still smell John Madden.

That... Is the wrong attitude here, Murphy? You are looking at the state -of

-the -art in high -tech news -gathering equipment. Yes, people, when you stepped

aboard the T -2000, you stepped aboard the future of mobile campaign coverage.

This has nothing to do with campaign coverage.

What was the matter with the old way of reporting? I mean, this is like

reporting a campaign from your living room. I don't know, Murphy. I was

about this whole FYI on the campaign idea.

But now that I've stepped aboard the future of mobile campaign coverage...

indeed you have, Corky. After all, the T -2000 is equipped with three exterior

cameras, a state -of -the -art editing bay, a roof -mounted satellite dish...

Hey, can we get MTV?

Christy Turlington's guesting on House of Style.

You sure that's this week?

Hello. Give me a little credit.

As I was saying...

We're equipped with a database, internet access, fax machine, a stereo system,

no touching prank.

Not one, not two, but seven digital phone lines. Now, there's also a self

-cleaning bathroom.

A bathroom? Aw, jeez. Who ever heard of a press bus with a bathroom?

Half the experience is having to hold it in until you're ready to cry.

Who ever heard of a press bus with a home entertainment center?

Half of the experience is being so bored you could kill yourself.

And who ever heard of a press bus... Hey,

you can't have a stuffy in here. Does anyone mind... if I crack the window?

don't open, Corky.

There's no need, you see. The T -2000 is fully climate controlled.

That's why those in the know call it the bubble.

Oh, jeez. A press bus with windows that don't open? Half the experience is

getting carsick and wondering if you're going to get them down in time. Back me

up here, Corky.

She's right. This isn't a press bus. It's an abomination.

Hey, cool. Nice.

No touching!

No touching!

Look, Murphy.

It really doesn't matter what you think of this bus. This is the bus that has

been so generously given to us by the network, and this is what we'll be

So, either shut up about the bus or learn to appreciate it, okay? You're

Miles. I should learn to appreciate the bus, and I'll start right now. Let's

see. What does this switch do? What are you doing? Stop!

Stop it!

I think they make the bus go dead.

Why would they make a switch that does that?

...fault, flowing by, road, black, yellow, black. Or was it yellow, black,

yellow? I can't believe you wiped out my entire journal.

Hey, it's not my fault. Anyway, I'm not the idiot who didn't push the save

button. Besides, you should thank me. I kept the world from being subjected to

the ham -handed musings of Frank Talk from Frank.

I told you, I haven't settled on that title yet.

And just so you'll know, you are no longer on the acknowledgments page.

We wouldn't even be here if you didn't break the stupid bus.

It's not my fault. It is your fault. You push the button. You always push the

button. Stop it!

Everything is going to be fine.

The bus is going to be fixed and we are going to make it to Madison in plenty of

time for tonight's show.

Tell them, Miles. Tell them we're going to make it. We're not going to make it.

What are you talking about? We're doomed. The mechanic says he can't fix

before tomorrow morning.

We have to be in Madison tonight.

Oh, do we?

Well, maybe you should have given that some consideration before you broke the

bus.

Well, there's got to be something we can do. Can't we just rent a car or

something? Oh, yeah, great idea, Corky. We'll just fit three tons of state -of

-the -art broadcast equipment into the trunk of a Ford Escort.

Okay, so maybe it was a stupid idea, but not nearly as stupid as you letting

Miller use your journal to spit a piece of grisly chicken into.

God.

This is great.

Just great.

So what are we going to do now?

It ain't a miracle.

Well, well, hello, Jim.

Are we glad to see you. What are you doing here?

Well, I was on my way to Madison to cover the campaign for ICN. And you saw

bus broken down by the side of the road and figured we'd be in this diner. Oh,

my God, it is a miracle. Well, not exactly. You see, the ICN minivan has

stop for oil at every gas station, rest stop, and speedy mart since Washington.

It left a trail of black grease and rusty auto parts through eight states

the District of Columbia.

Six hot cocos to go, please.

Doesn't make any difference, Jim. You're here, you've got wheels, and you're

headed our way. So put your pedal to the metal, good buddy, and I'll keep my eye

out for smoking.

Mr. Doyle, Mr. Doyle, the brakes just went out on the news van. It's starting

roll down the hill, and Todd's behind it. You can think his body is a brace.

I'll be there in a minute. Okay, but the tread's wearing out on his sneakers,

and he's kind of picking up speed.

Anyway, I'd love to help you all. Truly, I would, but our van is packed to the

gills as it is. I see.

Well, that's okay, Jim.

If I is team, unit, you can't take us all, we understand.

So just take me, and I'll give you mine.

Oh, sorry, Slugger.

Well, I really must be going. By my estimate, if we stop no more than five

for oil and get a good stiff tailwind, we should arrive in Madison in plenty of

time for the candidates.

Well, wish me luck.

Well, there goes our last hope.

Yeah, so much for my first broadcast from the campaign trail.

Oh, we've got to get there. There's got to be a way.

If I could carry you all the way to Madison on my back, Murphy, I would.

Damn my sciatica.

Okay, people, let's fake fact.

We're not going to get out to Madison in time for the show tonight. So that

leaves us with only one choice.

Night off.

Party on the bus.

No,

Miller, no party on the bus.

So when you said there was only one choice, you were lying.

Okay, look.

The network is expecting a campaign show tonight, and we have got to give them

one. Now, we still have our cameras, our satellite uplink. What are you saying?

Did we do the show from here?

Well, why not? We were going to profile some of the voters up in Madison anyway,

get their feelings on the issues, who they're supporting and why. Why can't we

do that here? Forget it, Miles. That was just a small piece of the story. I was

going to interview the candidates.

I was going to trip them up.

I want to trip them up.

Well, Murphy, do you have a better suggestion?

How bad is that sciatica, Carl?

Okay, people, we're broadcasting live in less than an hour. Talk to me about

problems. Camera work is all going to have to be handheld.

It may not be that pretty. That's okay. It'll give us that gritty you -are

-there look. Anything else? I won't be able to take my usual pre -show facial

scrub. I may not be that pretty either.

I'll deal with it, Carl.

I don't know. It seems to me welfare is a pretty complicated issue.

There really aren't any easy answers, you know.

Lou, two burgers and a pig and a...

I mean, I needed assistance myself on occasion, but I also don't think that it

should become a way of life or anything.

But, I don't know, I mean, if the government isn't there to help people

they need it, then who is?

Oh, I guess I'm not being all that clear, am I? No, no, no, no, it's great,

great. When the cameras are rolling, just say what you feel. That's exactly

we're here for. Okay, but I still don't see what's so interesting about me. Oh,

now, Lou, he's the one with all the opinions.

Ain't that right, Lou?

I say no government, no taxes, no fat chicks.

So, you want to put me on TV, too?

Yeah, well, if we have time. Thanks.

Miles, we have to talk.

All right, Murphy, I know you're unhappy, but I've got too much to do

broadcast, so here, why don't you just break a plate over my head? Let's move

on, okay?

I'm getting some great stuff. I wanted to talk to you about extending my

segment. Really?

Yeah. I mean, what we're stumbling onto here is so much fresher than anything we

could have gotten in Madison.

It's not the usual political slogans and predigested claptrap we always seem to

end up with. It's good, isn't it? Good? It's great. I don't know why you fought

me on this.

Well,

this is George Erickson. Now, he's a truck driver with some very interesting

things to say.

I had to twist his arm a little bit, but he's agreed to do our show.

By the way, do you think he could try on your headset? I don't know why, but

it's sort of a deal -breaker.

Okay, I'm in.

Okay, people, here's a game plan. Miller, you're anchoring in the booth

Murphy, I want you at the counter. Corky, you're over by the windows.

you're outside the restrooms. Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. How come Murphy

stand by the pies and I have to stand by the toilet?

What can I say, Frank? You're a victim of my whimsy. Okay, people, we got a

to do. Let's go.

Murphy. Hi, Dennis Stocker, Western Wisconsin manager, Bob Dole Campaign.

Hi, what are you doing here?

Well, we heard FY was in town and we wanted to get in on the action.

Okay, people, let's start working this side of the room.

Aha, looks like that FYI tip was right on the money. Okay, and then remember,

this diner is now a battleground in the war for the soul of America. Now move.

Move!

Hey, what's going on here? I'm Herb Conyers. I'm the leader of the Wisconsin

Buchanan assault team. You think you're going to give Bob Dolan an hour of

network time to himself? I don't think so.

What's happening, Murphy? I don't know. Somehow word got out that we're doing

the show here.

I like the counter. Let's sit up here.

Uh, hello.

What do you think you're doing? ABC News. We're covering the campaign.

What do you think you're doing? Our bus broke down. We have no choice but to do

our show from here.

Yeah, right.

Okay, let's sit up at the counter. No, no, no. You can't sit up there.

We have to.

CNN's already commandeered the garage.

No, you can't sit up at the counter. That's my counter. I'll tell you what.

I'll keep the counter and I'll trade you Lou the fry cook. He's got some great

opinions. Don't you, Lou?

No government, no taxes, no fat chicks.

See what I mean?

Okay, you keep the count.

We're live in five, four, three, two... Miller, talk!

Good evening.

For your information tonight, we are coming to you live from the Red Robin

in Goshen, Wisconsin.

A tiny hamlet located on the back roads of the campaign trail.

Goshen is a quiet town. Lou, I need some fries with gravy!

Untouched by big -time politics or big -time media, but a place where real

people are sorting through real issues to help determine who will be the next

president of the United States. Okay, who's got the key to the bathroom?

Murphy. Murphy? Who the hell is Murphy?

Thank you, Miller. I'm here with Beverly Dixon, single mother of two and a

waitress here in Goshen.

Beverly.

One of the key issues in this campaign is welfare policy in this country. Now,

as a registered Republican, how do you feel about the welfare system and the

efforts to dismantle it? I say welfare is no fair for America.

Hardworking Americans shouldn't support hardly working Americans.

I'm sorry, I'm a little prone here. What about what you told me earlier about

the government providing a safety net and there being no easy answers?

Well, I had a nice little talk with a Mr. Buchanan's representative, and he

explained to me that wasn't really what I meant.

Yes, well, back to you, Miller.

We now go to Corky's Sherwood to give us a sense of where Goshen as a town might

be leaning. Corky.

Thank you, Miller.

I'm here with the Red Robin regulars who have been eating in this diner every

Wednesday night for the past 30 years.

So how about it, guys?

Who are you for?

Well, we're all pretty much undecided at the moment.

Interesting. Do you think your views reflect how the rest of the town feels?

Well, I don't know. I guess so.

Actually, if I may, I'd like to point out that our polls show that Foddy Pat

Buchanan enjoys 53 % support here in Goshen. Well, I guess we'll be taking a

closer look at that Buchanan. Hey, excuse me, but our polls show Senator

with 54 % support in Goshen. Well, maybe we'd better be looking at Dole then.

What if you knew that Dole helped export American jobs overseas? Well, I didn't

know that at all. Now, what if you learned Buchanan had white supremacists

his staff? Well, I had no idea. Did you know that Dole is not a true

conservative? Did you know Buchanan is a dangerous extremist? After.

After. Excuse me, but I think we've certainly been presented with enough

valuable information here.

So has any of this helped you figure out who you want to vote for?

Yeah. Clinton.

Thank you, Corky.

Goshen is a town made up of individuals with unique opinions.

And Frank Fontana has found one of the town's more independent citizens to

his thoughts with us tonight.

Frank? Thank you, Miller.

I'm standing here with a man who doesn't speak loudly or often, but when he

does... Oh, Frank, I'm really sort of a regular Joe Q. Public, you know? I live

your typical Ozzie and Harriet lifestyle, you know, with the wife, the

2 .5 kids. Yep, that's me. Your average working stiff.

Middle of the road, middle class values.

Is that so? Well, tell us, George, who are you going to be voting for in this

upcoming primary?

Mr. Bob Dole.

Really? Well, you just told me a little while ago you were going to be making a

protest vote for Maury Taylor.

Oops, that's right. I was supposed to be CNN's Bob Dole supporter.

They already had a guy for Taylor.

Let me get this straight, George. You'd say just about anything, wouldn't you,

just so you could get on TV. Is that it?

Oh, I never wished I was invisible more than I do right now.

Hi, Mom.

Miller. And now to find out where people stand on the various issues, let's

check back with Murphy. Murphy, what have you got for us?

Yeah, I was supposed to be here with Ricky the busboy, but I can't seem to

him. Ricky's talking to ABC, but perhaps I can help you, Murphy. I'm with Lamar

Alexander's campaign, the only real moderate.

That's the only man who is concerned about God and America. Let me explain

differences between Lamar. Well, I'd rather talk to someone who isn't

with any... With an extremist, right -wing crazy man?

You're the ones you want to talk to, Murphy.

Bob Dole.

Experienced leadership you can trust.

And he's not insane.

No, Murphy Lamar.

Alexander, he's the only candidate with vision and he won't die on you.

We've got to get a little problem now. You can't be the only one who is saying

what American people... Nick at night pres... You're mellowing... Hey, folks.

That was really fun.

So, uh, when did this air?

We're a live show.

Oh.

What night is that?

It was tonight.

Oh.

Hey, ABC!

What night is your show air?

What a nightmare.

I'll say.

What the hell happened here?

I don't know. I really thought tonight would be different.

I really thought we had a chance to do a campaign story that wasn't manufactured

for a change.

But if you can't get that in Goshen, Wisconsin... I know. Wherever you go

it's all about sound bites and photo ops.

And nobody wants to take responsibility for it. I mean, we blame the

politicians. The politicians blame the media. The truth is, we're all guilty.

That's true.

Remember in 88, Dukakis sits in a tank with a helmet on his head because we're

there with cameras.

And because Dukakis sits in a tank with a helmet on his head, we take pictures.

And then Dukakis loses the election because he looks like a moron sitting in

stupid tank with a stupid helmet on his head.

What does any of it have to do with who should be president?

I'm depressed.

We're all depressed, Miller.

Really? So you guys missed out on Lou's lip -smacking cherry pie, too, huh?

Hello, everyone.

How'd you know we'd still be here?

Well, word spread pretty fast that FYI was broadcasting from Goshen. In fact,

before you knew it, Madison was a ghost town.

But by the time the dust settled, my little one -horse outfit was left alone

with one doozy of a story.

Is that right?

Oh, yeah.

With the politicians and the glare of the lights gone, we had no choice but to

concentrate on the people.

Oh, it might not have been the obvious campaign story viewers are used to

seeing, but maybe that's because we haven't been showing it to them.

Mr. Giles!

Todd just locked his teeth inside the van while it was still running, and now

it's going around in circles by itself.

I'll be right there. Okay, but his shirt got caught in the door, and he's sort

of being dragged.

I'd better see to this. Good -bye, all.

Hey, guys.

Good news.

The bus is fixed.

Let me borrow that pen the Dornan people gave you.

Oh, sure, Frank. Knock yourself out.

And as the long night drew to a close, the intrepid reporter resumed his

quixotic journey.

I think it's kind of pretty.