Original subtitles

Hello, everyone.

Well,

that was a rather lackluster greeting for a former colleague.

Sorry, Jim. I know you're gone, but it's not like we never see you.

Oh, well, what would you say if I were to tell you that I was returning to FYI?

Oh, my God, you are?

No, but that's more like it.

So, Jim, want to keep ripping my heart out or is fun time over?

Actually, Miles, I'm here on official business. As you all know, I'm on the

planning committee for the Washington Prescapades dinner.

Oh, God, the Prescapades dinner?

It's not that time of year again, is it? What are you talking about? The

Prescapades are great. All the journalists in Washington getting

skits and songs, poking fun at our elected officials.

I love it, too. It reminds me of those shows we used to put on at camp. You

know, we'd dress up, make fun of all the counselors, and then there'd be a big

party afterwards with music and dancing and food.

And then one small, friendless Jewish boy would be subjected to a hideous

humiliation at the hands of beefy Gentile children.

What's the matter, Murphy? It's just a silly show. Why do you hate it so much?

I hate it because every politician in town is there, and it's the perfect

opportunity to do some hard -edged, biting satire. But instead, everyone's

afraid they're going to offend someone, so they back off.

And we end up with Katie Couric's room -clearing Supreme Court puppet show.

I could put on a better production in my sleep.

Glad to hear it, Murphy, because the committee just voted unanimously to make

you coordinator of the show this year.

Oh, no. Why me?

Quite simple.

After the show each year, everyone is always treated to the sight of you

standing up and shouting, I think Lincoln had a better time at the

It was only a matter of time before someone called you on it.

Wait a minute. Murphy in charge of the show?

Oh, wait.

get it, Jim.

You're joking with us again, right?

Absolutely not. The Prescapades is no joking matter. That's for sure. And just

as a point of clarification, I am perfectly capable of putting together a

time. Maybe you've forgotten, but I was in charge of last year's Christmas

party. Oh, right. Hey, everybody, how many people had a good time at last

Christmas party?

How many people converted to Judaism after last year's Christmas party?

Okay, fine. Well, let me tell you something. Not only is this year's show

going to be lame, it's going to be the best Prescapades ever.

Come on, Murphy. You're not actually going to do this, are you? Just watch

You know what, Murphy? Now that I think about it, you are going to be great. You

know, I have a feeling they are going to be talking about this Prescapades for

years to come. Oh, believe you me. You still have to audition, Frank.

Webster's Dictionary.

Barbara Walters, please.

Oh, Barbara, hi. It's Murphy.

Listen, I'm calling about the Prescottate dinner. I've got some great

I've reserved a spot for you in the female chorus.

Yeah, I know you've always done a solo bit in the past, but this year we're

trying to keep walkouts to a minimum.

Hello, Barbara?

Fine. I was only asking out of pity anyway.

Hey, Murph, how's it going? Have you finished the Clinton sketch yet? I

it last night, and it's hysterical. I've even got a great new title.

The Beltway Hillbillies.

I'm telling you, Frank, I miss my calling in life. I have a real knack for

comedy writing.

I mean, I look at this, and then I look at the stuff on television. There's no

contest.

I am just excited I got the part of President Clinton. Look, I've got my

I am ready to rehearse. So why don't you just give me a copy of the script, and

I'll start learning my lines.

Yeah, slight change of plan.

What do you mean?

I think I need you to audition for me again.

Again? But I nailed it.

Well, I slept on it and I got to thinking. What if you go on stage and

sneaking up the place? How is that going to make me look?

I don't want to audition again.

Well, have it your way. But Tom Brokaw did let it slip that he played Conrad

Birdie in high school.

All right.

Great. Let's take it from the top of three. Now, you've been out jogging with

some advisors and now you're at the drive -thru speaker at McDonald's.

McDonald's? Isn't that a little tired?

Just read it, Frank.

Actors.

Hello, y 'all. I'd like three Big Macs, some of those tasty chicken McNuggets,

two large fries, and a couple of them little hot apple things.

Now, what'll the rest of you boys have?

Good?

No, no, I just love that joke.

Is that the voice you're planning to use? Yeah, that's my Clinton voice. You

like it?

I love it. I love it. It's great. Can you try it a different way?

Okay, sure. How would you like it?

I think maybe funnier.

Funnier.

You know, fellas, I've been thinking about this situation with Congress. Hold

on, hold on. I think I sent you down the wrong path. It's bad?

No, no, no, no, no. It's exactly what I'm looking for, but, um...

Let's try it funnier, but slower, with lightning.

How am I supposed to do that?

Well, now, Frank, I'm not the actor now, am I? Continue.

You know, fellas, obviously... Okay, good, thanks.

What happened? That was very good. That was very good. I'll be in touch. You're

bailing on me.

Frank, I am not bailing on you. The roles of Bill and Hillary are very

important. They're the center of the sketch, and the sketch is the

of the whole show.

So, who's playing Hillary?

I don't know. It's a very demanding role. It requires an actress of some

It's you.

I'm looking at people.

You're looking at you.

Like it's a big stretch.

She's a woman. I'm a woman. She's got blonde hair. I've got blonde hair.

I don't believe you. You tell me you're looking at other actors and then you're

grabbing the lead role for yourself. You know what? You could have had me and I

would have been great, but I'm not going to be a pawn in your little game.

Frank, I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. One question. What? Can I borrow

your snacks for the show?

Oh, and here it is again. Only slower and funnier with lightness.

Bite me.

What was that all about?

Nothing. He's just late for his prima donna's anonymous meeting.

You're both very lucky. I have finished the sketch, and there are plum rolls for

both of you. These rolls are so great, the chimps could play them and still

kill. Well, that sounds great, Murphy, and we would love to be in the sketch,

but, well, we've sort of cooked up a little something of our own.

Corky? Well, it's a song. Written by a friend of mine. Funny, funny guy. He

writes for Home Improvement. Did you see the episode with the nail gun?

Very funny.

Go ahead.

Anyway, he wrote this song. And he said we could use it. Now, I'm not wild about

getting up and performing in front of an audience, but Corky wants me to. I

said, honey, you guys are the ones in front of the camera. I'm just a

But she insisted, didn't you? Well, I... She insisted. Now...

You sit right here, and we're going to face this way, all right? And pretend

you're the audience.

I don't know, guys. The show's getting a little bad as it is. No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no. This is going to be fun.

Not for me, of course. What with me not being a performer and all.

You ready?

Guess how.

Oh, she's excited.

Okay.

And here we go.

Who's the crazy couple in Washington?

Who's the cookie twosome that's done so fine? Who gives them a thrill up on

Capitol Hill?

And when it comes to partying, who's number one?

The trouble's full of fire, pizzazz, and steam.

Who's the first in line when it's time to swing?

Who's got the fizzle?

Obviously, Alan Tipper.

Mr. and Mrs. G.

Al, are you awake?

You bet, honey.

Just checking.

You've been naked out yet. We seem uptight.

We're what people think of when they think white.

Nobody knows that it's only a post. I'm 180 pounds of dynamite.

We've got the quaker, the Mormon bean.

Where there's a fire, who is he?

Alec Tipper, Mr. and Mrs. G. He's dreamy and steamy.

It's as if I'm really alive.

Clever, so clever.

I'm a democ... Who's really where it's at?

Hey, we're electric,

you see?

Mr. and Mrs.

G!

What

do

you think, Murphy?

Happy for you.

Wait, wait, wait. I have an even better idea.

I'll incorporate it into my sketch.

Now, that means I'll have to cut it down a smidge. Maybe you'll only sing one

verse. I know. We can start where Corky asks if you're awake.

That way you won't have to sing at all. Oh, baby, I am good at this.

Look, Paula, I know it's not a speaking part, but the role of Marine Guard

number three is the... cornerstone of a whole sketch.

Oh, I'm sure it is, Murphy, but I still think I'd be better off just playing my

cello. Okay, okay, I've got a great idea.

We'll put you on stage, just you and your cello, and then in front of you

put a card that says the CBS Symphony Orchestra.

I don't know. You know, Murphy, Mark Russell came up with this very funny

for me. It's a rag, and it's written specifically for cello. A cello rag?

Yeah.

Listen, Paula, you've got to understand, we're going to be playing to members of

the House and Senate. They're much more prone to supers than the rest of us. I

think the budget empath pretty much proved that.

You should listen to my number first, because it's really, really funny.

I just have to tell you, the cello is not a funny instrument.

It can be. Yeah, I guess that explains the incredible popularity of Yo -Yo Ma's

comedy club.

Bill, I think I've been there. It's right next to the Murphy Brown Charm

Yes, indeedy, the whole thing is coming together. In a few short weeks, the

entire District of Columbia will be buzzing about my show. I'm not talking

you. Oh, that's a shame, because I just got a call from Tom Brokaw 20 minutes

ago. He's been assigned to cover a story in Tokyo.

So, I need a new Clinton.

Really? Yep.

Oh, please!

You got it. I'll put together an updated script for you. Yes!

You're pathetic.

Hello, is the director in? Yeah, what's the problem, Jim? It's Murphy and this

awful press capade show.

She's drunk with power and the cast is up in arms. Tell me about it. I had a

great song worked up and she cuts to pieces.

Just a smidge, she says. Right.

Smidge my song just like Hitler smidged Poland.

Murphy has a tough job and she's doing the best she can. Oh, stop.

Sucking up, Mr. President. It is not my fault that Brokaw got called away on

assignment. Called away on assignment, my Aunt Fanny. Whenever Brokaw flubbed a

line, Murphy made the whole cast do a lap around the ballroom.

After Willard Scott passed out for the third time, Tom threw down his script

quit. Are you going to talk to her, Jim? I have no choice. Everyone knows I'm

one of Murphy's pals, so they come to me to complain.

I haven't heard this much bitching and moaning since we took Donna Summer off

the jukebox at my bar.

Morning, Slugger. I can't talk. Frank's playing Clinton and I've got to make it

actor -proof.

Murphy.

Murphy.

There are some people in the cast who are unhappy.

Really? How many people?

Well, let me think.

All of them.

Everyone's going to quit if you don't back off.

What? Why?

Because they hate you.

My baby Brokaw sent you, didn't he? No, they all sent me.

Cheese and crackers, woman.

People do this show for one reason. It's fun. Or at least it was in previous

years. Well, everyone seems to be having a good time.

Maybe you didn't see it over your megaphone, but people were in tears at

rehearsal the other night. Hey, if Helen Thomas can't handle the pressure, she

should just step aside.

She's had something to say at every press conference for the last 40 years,

you put her on stage with one lousy line and she's as lost as Atlantis.

There's more.

The cast...

would feel more comfortable if you didn't play Hillary in the sketch.

Oh, really?

I suppose they have someone better in mind.

Well, people seem to think Katie Couric would be a crowd pleaser.

Right. I think Katie Couric would make an excellent Hillary Clinton.

You do?

Sure. If Hillary were a perky little backstabbing munchkin.

I'm done putting this show together.

It's not fair, Jim. I don't know what it is, but it's not fair. I feel for you,

Slugger. I really do, but the people have spoken.

Are you asking me to quit, Jim? Oh, no, certainly not. There are many, many

things we still need you for.

Moving scenery.

Switching the lights off and on at intermission.

Making sure those dressing rooms are clean.

All right, Jim.

I'll finish the job. And do you know why?

Because I'm a pro.

Thank you.

Thank you, Slugger.

As a spokesman for the committee who wanted to see you dead, I think you made

the right decision.

Well, that triplets number was a bust.

I must remember to thank my co -stars.

Ted, who needs to rehearse Koppel and Wolf? Pick a note, any note, blitzer.

I'd like to tell you the triplet's number wouldn't work, but I guess no one

listens to the woman with the broom.

I can't believe I turned down the chance to sing Ball in the Jack with Charlie

Rose.

Hi, Murphy.

How do you think it's going so far?

Oh, hi, Wolf. Nice job on the triplet's number.

Thanks, but just between you and me, Jim couldn't carry a tune if it had handles

on it.

You know what? I've been meaning to tell you. You've been doing a terrific job

covering the White House.

Yes, sirree. CNN is lucky to have you. You know, I've been piecing together a

little story myself.

I wonder if you could help me on it. Sure. What do you need?

Who pushed me out? I've got to know. I've got a long list of suspects, but I

don't have time to check them out. Look, Dorothy, you're barking up the wrong

tree. I really can't help you.

Okay. Okay, look.

You're working for a cable outfit. They're probably not paying you that

I'll give you 50 bucks.

It was you, wasn't it, Windsor? I'm gonna get you for this.

Hey, Bertie, isn't it great we get to do our Alan Tipper number after all? Of

course, he was just telling me how thrilled she is.

Will you stop it? Just admit it. You're the one who wants to do the song.

Me? Are you joking? I couldn't care one way or the other. Oh, please.

Do you have to have your passport stamped when you leave your home every

the land of the obvious?

Okay, get ready. Come on, you guys are up next.

What?

You're going on next.

I can't.

What are you talking about? Get out there, Miles.

Come on.

Unless you think the audience would enjoy seeing a man suffering a complete

collapse of his renal system.

Get out there and do the song alone.

I can't. It's a two -person song.

Well, there must be something we can do.

I know. We can pull the music from the Gypsy Rose Reno number. How do you feel

about stripping? Irving!

Well, if you won't strip and you won't sing the Alan Tipper song, sing

something. Sing anything.

Miles, remember all that till death do us part stuff?

That's about three minutes from now.

Paula? Murphy?

Miles? Paula?

Did you finish that really, really funny cello bit?

I didn't hear any applause, so I didn't know if it was over.

I don't get it. If this isn't the right audience for a Mark Russell cello rag, I

don't know what is. Well, I mean, the only other explanation is that Mark

Russell isn't funny, but then we'd all be in Wacky World.

Or it could be that...

Maybe I was right about this oversized ukulele and the strange power it has to

suck all the air out of a room.

I guess you were right. And you know what? Just between you and me, you would

have made a much better Hillary than Katie Clark. You think?

Oh, absolutely.

Hey, by the way, you missed a spot.

Everybody go out there, Corby.

I've never been so humiliated in my whole life.

I went out there and started singing the one song I knew best, Rocket Man by

Elton John.

But guess what? I don't know Rocket Man by Elton John. So then I switched over

to Let's Get Physical. But I didn't know that either. So I had to do something.

Here are your pantyhose, Miss Sherwood.

I hate you, Murphy.

Hey, Murph.

How do I look?

Fantastic, Frank. Now listen, you're my only hope.

The Clinton sketch is the only thing that didn't get changed after the coup,

when it kills, I'll be vindicated. Yeah, you know, Murph, I've been thinking

some of the jokes that we've got, they're like a little bit rough. Maybe

should soften them up a little bit.

Oh, right. Then this show will be like every other year, lame and toothless. I

know, but the President of the United States is out there. I mean, what if he

thinks I'm making fun of him?

Newsflash, Frank, you are.

You can laugh, but I'm not so sure I feel comfortable about all this. I don't

think it's appropriate to portray the leader of the free world chasing a Greek

pig around the Oval Office.

Give me the wig, Frank. Give me the nose and the wig. All right, all right, I'll

do it. Murphy, there's been a terrible accident. Somehow, Katie Kirk fell and

twisted her ankle. The poor woman can't even stand on it. Geez, that's terrible.

Talk about your bad timing.

Yeah, gee, there's no way she can do the sketch now.

I didn't do anything. I've been with Frank the whole time.

That's true.

Although that's only been for the last three or four minutes.

Oh, come on. Miles will vouch for me. Miles.

Crazy couple.

I think I can do it now.

Well, this is just great.

Now what are we going to do?

I know. Let's just not do this sketch.

We are doing the sketch. All we have to do is find another Hillary.

On such short notice? But who else knows the role?

Think. It has to be someone obvious.

Someone who knows the role.

Someone who looks like the First Lady.

Corky! Oh, me!

We have a few minutes before we have to decide, don't we?

Get me the wig and the whitewater raft.

I've got a show to do.

Incredible!

All of Washington will be talking about you tomorrow.

I looked out in the audience and the president was cracking up.

Speech, come on, how about a speech? Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech.

Well, well, hasn't this been an interesting experience for all of us?

I don't want to brag, that's not my way, but I always had faith in my vision for

the show and now I think I've been vindicated.

And as for those of you who thought I drove you too hard...

All I can say is, you were right.

And next year, I'll be even worse.

Let's go, everybody.

Cast, party, and fill. All right.

I'll catch up with you. I'm just going to get out of my costume. Okay.

Excuse me, Mr. Clinton.

Oh, it's Hugh Murphy.

Well, well, hello, nudie. What brings you backstage?

Look, Brown, I just wanted to come back and congratulate you. That was quite a

performance. Oh, you liked it, huh? Of course I did. Why wouldn't I? Well, I

thought you might have been a little upset about some of the jokes we made

you. I mean, there were some who thought writing the word newt on the side of a

greased pig went a little too far.

Last time I checked, the First Amendment still gives all journalists the right

to say pretty much anything they want to, and that includes you, Murphy. Well,

I'm glad you feel that way.

Although you do make me wonder if we ought to look into changing that.

You are kidding, right?

Where's your sense of humor, Murphy?

Oh, Newt, you're such a kook.

Look into it.