Original subtitles

This, Ms. Taylor, is our bullpen.

Hello, Ms. Taylor. Hello. I'm Courtney Sherwood. Hi.

Frank Fontana, it's a great pleasure to meet you. Oh, nice to meet you.

Now, we do FYI live at 9, and your segment will be at the top of the show.

and I'll just need you to sign this. It's just boilerplate, you know,

stuff.

Janama Silverberg, my biggest fan.

Like I said, standard stuff.

You're cute.

Elizabeth, you're here.

Kathy! Oh, how long has it been?

Oh, gosh, I don't think we've seen each other since that dinner party you and

your husband gave.

Oh, really? Which one?

I think it was a few years ago.

No. Which husband?

So, you lost your pearls, huh? Boy, that's a shame.

Those were real beauties. I know.

You know, as I recall, you seemed really fond of those pearls at that party.

You couldn't keep your eyes open.

Yeah, well, who could? I haven't seen pearls that size since the shop. Say,

are you driving at, Cleopatra?

Excuse me, Taylor, you have a phone call?

Oh, Murphy, could I use your office? Oh, make yourself at home.

Watch your mouth.

Hello, all.

Oh, Jim. Hey, what brings you by? ICN Network not working you hard enough? Oh,

was just in the neighborhood, and somehow I found myself...

Oh, don't toy with me. Where is she?

She? Why, what are you talking about? Elizabeth Taylor, of course.

The raven -haired beauty who galloped into our hearts in National Velvet.

Who brought charm and class to the world's oldest profession in Butterfield

Who made midlife desperation downright sexy in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

She was in Flintstones, too. I know. I saw it eight times.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize you had a guest.

Miss Taylor, have you met Jim Dial?

Only in my dreams.

I've seen every one of your reports.

Really? Who am I?

Listen, Murphy, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to reschedule. Don't you think

I have a lead on my pearls?

Well, well, a lead on your pearls. Looks like someone owes somebody an apology.

Yes, I should say so.

When I was in your office, I found this silver bell that disappeared during that

dinner party that you so loudly accused Roddy McDowell of stealing.

What? You actually think I would stoop so low?

Sorry.

Murphy, Murphy, Murphy.

Miles, do you think you could find a handsome, distinguished anchorman to

me down to my car? Well, I suppose... Out of my way, boy.

I'd be honored, Miss Taylor.

Oh, thank you.

Are you married?

Yes, I am.

Very happily, I'm afraid to say.

All right, people, let's get this story meeting started.

Uh, wait, where's Miller?

Oh, beats me. Do you know Frank? I don't know. Do you know Corky? No clue. Do

you know Murphy?

Beats me. Do you know Frank? Stop it.

Where is Miller, and what did you do to him? Oh, come on, Miles.

anything to him. Yeah, but if we did, I bet he'd be locked in the supply closet

trying to hold back those five cups of coffee somebody dared him to drink.

Kurt, go let Miller out of the supply closet.

All right, look, I don't like this situation any more than you do, but

part of the FYI team now, and I expect you to treat him as such. If we have to.

Moving on. We still haven't chosen which photo to use to publicize our new team.

Very funny, guys.

Sit down, Miller.

Like I said, there's a lot to choose from. We just have to pick one.

Well, Miller's the newest member of our team. Why don't we let him pick?

Really? You want my opinion?

Of course we do.

Yeah, Murphy's right. You're part of our team now.

Okay, cool. Let's see.

That's a very nice gesture, guys. I'm glad to see you're all coming out.

What? What's everybody laughing at? Tell him, Murphy.

Okay.

You were using the wrong eye.

Well, I would definitely pick this one.

Okay, that's it.

Meeting's over.

You know, it's like stepping on snails. There's no real spark to it. It's just

so damn satisfying.

Don't wash your face, Miller.

Oh, yeah?

Go brush your teeth, Miles.

Hey, Jim. Murphy.

Jim, can I ask you a question?

No need.

She was every bit as glorious as you would imagine.

I asked her about her career, her charity work.

I'll never forget those parting words of hers.

Let go of the door.

I'm late for the airport.

And with that, she was gone.

Jim.

Jim.

Ever since you left, everything's fallen apart around here. Is that so?

The minute Miller took your place, morale sank to an all -time low. They

to accept him as part of the team.

They spend all their time complaining and playing pranks.

What do I do?

Well, the way I see it, Miller has invaded their turf and they're feeling

territorial. Now, as such, I suggest you get the lot of them onto neutral ground

somewhere far from the office and have them all hash it out.

That sounds like you're suggesting a retreat.

Why not?

Might be just what you need for this type of situation.

But they hate the treats. I mean, how am I going to get them up there? Son,

that's your problem.

I just met Liz Taylor.

Woo -hoo!

All right, people!

This is it.

You're home away from home for the next three days.

Murphy, where is your luggage?

And you said I couldn't make it up that hill with both our bags.

Pay up, loser.

Hey, you sure showed me. Okay, here's your quarter.

Where is Miller going?

He's taking his bags to his room.

But he doesn't know where his room is yet, does he?

No, he doesn't.

Hey, Miles. This place actually looks pretty nice.

Yeah. Usually those skinflints of the network only shell out this kind of

when we're going on a stupid retreat or something. A retreat? No, no, no, no,

no. Like I said, this is just a little perk from your network. A network who

appreciates your efforts and feels there's no reason we can't relax and get

little work done.

Retreat. Well,

it doesn't look like there's going to be any shortage of fun here. Look, there's

hiking, tennis, swimming, horseback riding.

Horseback riding. Say, where do we sign up for horseback riding? I'm sorry.

Horseback riding is one of our summer activities.

Oh, tough break, Murph. But maybe we can play tennis?

Actually, the tennis court's under six feet of snow.

What about the indoor heated pool? Well, that's available year -round.

Or it would be if that last big snowfall hadn't caused the roofs to cave in. Now

it's more of an indoor -outdoor ugly gaping hole with police tape around it.

Go home.

Okay. Let me remind you all this is a working vacation.

There'll be plenty of things to do to occupy our time. And who knows? Maybe

extra time will allow us to focus on things we wouldn't normally get to focus

at the office. Things? What kind of things?

Oh, I don't know. Things like reflecting on the events of the past year.

How we worked together as a unit. Oh, God, it's a retreat.

I knew it.

I cannot believe you lied to your own wife.

Ah, retreat.

I wish you'd just cheated on me. Hey, look.

If I had told you, you wouldn't have come. Now we're here, we're going to do

this, and that's the last I want to hear of it.

Fine, but what are we supposed to do to amuse ourselves over the next three

days?

Guys, where are our rooms?

Okay, you go across that big snowy field, and then when you come to the

courts, don't stop. It's about a half mile from there.

Got it.

Well, there's always that.

Okay, people, as you can see from your handout, it's time to start our story

meeting.

Yeah, come on. Let's get this over with quick. I don't want to miss another

single second of staring vacantly out the window at nothing.

You know, Murphy, this weekend is not just about you, okay?

It's about all of us. All of us on Team FYI.

Team FYI, please. There's no Team FYI anymore.

That's right. There's us and there's Miller.

Yeah, and if you hadn't sent that search party out, there wouldn't even be a

Miller.

Okay, so none of us would have traded Jim Dial for Miller Redfield.

Okay, so none of us would have traded Jim Neighbors for Miller Redfield.

The point is, Miller is on FYI, and like it or not, we are here because we have

to learn to work together as a team.

we're going to spend the next two days trying to integrate Miller into the

group? Oh, boy. And I thought walking in on Frank clipping his toenails was

going to be my least favorite part of this trip.

Hey, doors exist for a reason. Yeah, well, so do clothes.

Hey, guys, I'm sorry I'm late. I must have overslept, which actually is kind

ironic considering I got a wake -up call every hour on the hour.

Oh, gee, no, that's terrible. And what about that sprinkler going off in your

room?

Sprinkler? That's tomorrow night.

You're just in time, Miller. Take a seat.

Team FYI is about to start its story meeting.

All right, let's get this over with. I'm working on a piece about global

warming. Apparently there's new evidence that emissions... Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm

sorry, Murphy. I guess I wasn't clear. That's not the kind of story I'm looking

for, no.

I want all of you to talk about personal stories.

Personal stories?

Yes, personal stories. So we can open up, get to know each other.

Come on, Murphy.

Open up.

Go ahead.

Oh.

Okay, personal stories. I think I know what you're after.

Here goes.

Once I went to the store and bought a half a gallon of milk instead of a

And I really regretted it because a week later...

It went sour.

That's the first time I ever told that to anybody. I feel so much better.

Well, someone's not taking this very seriously.

Corky, honey, you want to go ahead?

You want me to share a personal story?

Uh -huh.

Okay.

I like to sleep in a flannel nightgown.

But my husband wants me to sleep in the nude. And I mean completely... Corky,

that's not the time to...

Last Thanksgiving, my parents let it slip that, well, I wasn't exactly

planned.

Now, you know, I've always had a codependent relationship with my

geez, Frank, you're just looking for free therapy. I am not. Frank, it would

nice if your personal story had some tangential relation to work.

All right.

Remember that piece I was doing on Boris Yeltsin?

Last Thanksgiving, Boris Yeltsin's parents... Moving on.

How about you, Miller?

You want to hear something personal about me?

Absolutely. You're part of Team FYI now.

Okay, okay.

A couple of weeks ago, I was giving myself a pep talk in the mirror.

And I noticed that I had a few gray hairs in my sideburns.

Well, it got me thinking.

I mean, I know one of the reasons why I got this job is because I'm a handsome

man. A very handsome man.

It just hit me that, hey, that may not be the case forever.

Well, maybe we can help you here, Miller.

That's the spirit, Murphy. That's a very supportive team, FYI, thing to do.

If Miller had to leave broadcasting, what would be a good post for him?

Well, let's see. There's a lamp post, barn post, door post, sign post, fence

post, compost.

You know, I was just trying to open up with you guys, but obviously I picked

wrong crowd.

Oh, come on, Miller. Sit back down. Yeah, come on, Miller.

So much for Team FYI.

Nice going, guys.

Nice going.

There you are.

You okay, Miller?

They didn't really mean what they said back there. You know that, don't you?

Miller, don't you have anything to say?

I want to go home.

Miller, I know things have been tough for you here. Look, I know they hate me,

okay?

What did I ever do to them? I replaced Jim.

All right, fine. But I didn't ask for that job. Stan gave it to me. I know.

what is the deal with Murphy?

All right, so I'll never be the great journalist that she is.

I mean, does that mean that she can't be just a little bit nice to me?

You know, when I started working here, things weren't really that much

for me.

Yeah, right.

No, really. In fact, it was worse.

I was her boss.

Straight out of college with no news experience.

She didn't feel I'd earned my position, so she wanted to see me crack.

So every day, she'd test me.

Wow. You mean like pop quizzes and stuff?

No, Miller.

It got so bad that I would lie under the covers at night, hyperventilating.

Until the lack of oxygen would cause me to lose consciousness.

So it's not just me.

I mean, she did mean things to you, too.

Are you kidding?

One day... Miller? Yeah?

Could you put that down?

Sorry, man.

One day, Murphy got it in her head that it would be kind of fun to glue things

to me.

You know, legal pads, staplers, stuff like that.

Then, when that got old, she thought it would be fun to glue me two things.

The photocopy machine, the muffin wagon, the spirit of St. Louis.

Go on.

What I'm trying to say, Miller, is if the schoolyard bully picks a fight with

you, you can do one of two things.

You can do what I did.

Change elementary schools eight times in five years.

Or you can stand up for yourself and give as good as you get.

It's up to you.

Wow.

Thanks, Miles.

Boy, I wish we'd known each other when we were kids.

I would have kicked your ass all over the playground.

me for trying to brighten your day with a gift of music.

Hi.

Wow, this fire doesn't seem to be doing very well.

Looks like it could use a little kindling.

Luckily, I found all this unimportant paper laying around.

Let's see what we have here. Oh, a handwritten interview with a highly

source at the EPA about global warming.

Yeah, that should do the trick.

What the hell are you doing?

Me? No, nothing.

These are my notes for the global warming piece.

They are?

Gotcha. Awesome prank, huh?

See, I knew that they were important papers, but I pretended that I didn't

and then I burned them. Get it?

What's going on?

Miller torched Murphy's notes.

What?

Miller actually tried to pull a prank on Murphy. She's going to kill him.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, wait a second. Look, I said I was... Sorry.

show you. Sorry.

I'm just going for it.

She's got him cornered down by the waiting room. What are we going to do?

Let's go watch.

Come on, you coward. Get up.

Oh, my God. What's going on?

Oh, he's pretending to be dead. What he doesn't realize is that being dead is

only going to make the beatings more severe. Kirby!

Corky, go call the front desk. Tell them we have an emergency in the weight

room. Oh, come on, Miles. Don't tell me you're falling for this.

Oh, oh, my God.

What is it? I don't believe it.

He's dead.

Oh, come on, Miles. That's impossible.

He's not breathing. His heart's not beating.

What's your diagnosis, Frank? Oh, he's not dead. He can't be dead.

Hydroglycerin pills?

Miller had a heart condition? I didn't know that.

You killed him, Murph.

He probably had a heart condition. You chased him around the hotel and you...

You killed him.

I did not kill him. Oh, yes, you did, Murphy.

And so did you, Frank.

And you too, Corky. You all killed him.

With your cruel taunts, your endless pranks, your petty humiliations.

And what did this man do?

What grievous sin did he commit?

He just wanted to fit in, be one of the guys.

Hey.

Well, I guess there's only one thing we can do now.

What's that, Murph?

You grab his arms, I'll get his legs, we'll throw him in the wood chipper out

back. Come on.

No, Murphy. What? Murphy, the man is dead.

I know, believe me. I'm all choked up about it, but if you think I'm going to

time for this... Are you insane?

It'll be much easier now than in five or ten minutes when he starts to stiffen

up.

I mean, anyway, what's the big deal? The guy's dead.

Stop it. He can't feel anything. He's dead.

Oh,

come on. He's dead.

All right. Stop him, human.

Guys, come on. Miller's just faking. I saw him scratch his nose.

Okay, come on, dead guy. Get up.

Come on, Miller. Get up.

Miller, the joke's over.

Get up.

Honey, Miller is gone.

No, no, no, he's not gone. Tell me, Miles, what's going on here? In other

Team FYI better not leave your lips.

Miller just wanted to fit into your stupid little clique, okay? So he came

with this plan to try to earn your respect.

But after this display, I don't see why he'd want it.

So, just to impress us, Miller came up with the idea of faking his own death?

Yes, he did.

Well, his original plan was to actually die.

But when I explained the inherent problems in that plan, he came up with

This is Miller we're talking about. You know, to conceive and execute a plan

like this.

I mean, when you think about it for a guy like this, it's like...

Panama Canal of pranks.

You know, if the canal didn't actually work.

I've never not hated Miller as much as I do right now. I know what you mean. Me

too. Oh, I'm glad to hear it. Do you think now maybe we could focus on work

rather than coming up with new and interesting ways of tormenting Miller?

Yeah, I guess so. At least we can do.

Thank you.

You know, Miles, there's still a part of this prank that puzzles me.

If the whole death thing was a fake, why has Miller been unconscious?

Yeah, what's that all about?

Oh, boy.

Man, I was really out for a second there.

Are you tired of doing stuff?

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Night.