Original subtitles

I officially announce my resignation

from this show and this network.

This has been my final edition of FYI.

Good night.

I don't see where you put

the coffee in.

Jim knew where to put the coffee in. Well, usually there's a funnel thingy,

I can't find it. Is there an instruction manual?

Maybe you don't need to put coffee in.

You know, you guys are pathetic.

Three grown adults can't figure out how to work a coffee machine.

Okay, Miss Smarty Pants, then you make the coffee.

I don't want coffee.

We need Jim. He's the only one who knows how to work that thing. I still can't

believe he's gone. How could he quit like that? How could he quit without

talking to me first?

How could he quit without showing us how to work this thing?

You know what the worst part is? For years, whenever there was anything wrong

here, I would always go to Jim.

But now Jim not being here is what's wrong here. So I want to go to Jim. But

there is no Jim. Which makes me want to go to Jim.

of unfinished business, and I would appreciate it if this time we could

it rationally without anybody trying to dangle me out a window. Hey, forget it.

We're not replacing Jim. Listen, we have to face facts here.

Jim is gone. Come on, Marky, grab his legs. Okay.

I care about Jim as much as anybody, but what choice do we have?

We need an anchor to set the tone for the show and to take over Jim's

responsibilities. Besides, something has to take a place in the world according

to the dial. But why?

Why do we have to replace it? As long as no one takes Jim's spot.

I can keep on thinking that Jim really isn't gone.

At any minute, he's going to come through that elevator, and he's going to

good morning, all.

Hello, everyone.

Close enough.

Jim!

You see, Miles, we don't have to replace Jim. He's back. He's ready to work.

He's carrying an empty carton. He's being escorted by two security guards.

not back.

I'm afraid not, Lugger.

I came by to clean up my office, and these two uniformed gentlemen insisted

accompanying me.

Sorry, sir, it's been company policy since Connie Chung made off with that

machine under her skirt.

So, what's next, Jim? You got anything lined up?

Well, I've had a number of offers from some very prestigious news

but the truth is, FYI's been my home all these years, and it's too late to start

somewhere new.

Now I'm afraid it's time for this reporter to turn in his press card.

you know you could always come back to FYI.

Thank you, Miles, but I don't see how I can.

Look, Jim, I don't like the way the network dumped our tobacco story any

than you do, but there has to be some way around this. It's not just that,

Slugger. I can't stand by any longer and watch the network desecrate its news

division. I've had enough of budget cuts and sensationalism and the pressure for

ratings. Being forced to submit to Lansing's random drug tests.

It was just me, wasn't it?

Well, Tim, I understand how you feel. But I let you talk me out of quitting.

least you can do is let me return the favor. You were going to quit?

When did this come up? Miles, can we talk about this later? No, we cannot

about this later. Why am I always the last person to know these things?

else you're planning on quitting?

When did this come up?

I don't know. Lately, I've been experiencing an overwhelming sense of

If you're sure about this, the least you can do is allow us to give you an

appropriate send -off. You know, a retirement party or something.

That would be splendid.

And I really shouldn't keep you from your work any longer.

Goodbye, all.

Oh, Jim, Jim.

Don't go, Jim.

I'm afraid I'll never see you again.

I'll be back in ten minutes after I've collected my thing.

But after that, I might not ever see you again.

Well, then there's my retirement party. But after that?

Well, Doris and I are free Saturday.

Oh. Well, Saturday doesn't work for us.

We'll figure something out.

Well, I guess he's gone. I can't believe this is happening. This is really the

end of an era.

Look, Jim left his mug. He loves this mug.

He sure does.

Hey, you know what this means?

This means he wants to stay.

Do you think?

Absolutely. Jim forgetting his mug is his subconscious way of saying he

want to leave FYI.

Did anyone else notice the way he kept looking over at the assignment board?

Yeah, as if he was checking to see if his name was still there.

And did you guys catch that thing he was doing with his eyes?

No. What?

Unless I missed my guess, he was trying to blink out the words, I want to stay

in Morse code. Unless, of course, I missed a dash, in which case he was

no sauce on hat.

You guys are so desperate to get Jim back, you'll believe anything.

She's right. We're just clutching at straws here. I guess we're just going to

have to face facts.

Jim is really gone.

Although, when you think about what Jim actually said, about how FYI was his

home, about how much he'd miss us... He did. That's true.

And, Miles, when you told Jim he could always come back to FYI, he didn't say

no. He said...

I don't see how I can.

As if he wanted us to find a way to make it happen. Oh, you know she's right.

So, maybe Jim is saying he doesn't want to leave FYI.

Maybe there is some significance to this model.

Maybe he... When was the last time you washed this thing?

I, my new development executive here, is pitching me another rip -off of

Friends. What is this one called?

Chums? Pals?

Amigos.

Get the hell out of my office.

What is the worst idea I ever heard? Amigos. I mean, who's the... What if one

them was a genie?

God, I love the creative process.

So what should I do for my favorite news team?

It's about Jim, Stan. Jim, I don't want... to hear about Jim.

After the way he humiliated me, I'm going to devote the rest of my life to

blotting out his name from the face of the earth.

And when I die, I'm going to will that my heirs and assigns continue to blot

where I left off blotting.

Well, Stan, we were kind of hoping you'd ask Jim to come back.

Are you insane, Fontana?

What are you yelling at me for? Corky said it.

I can't yell at her. She's too cute.

It would be like yelling at a little bunny rabbit.

Stan, FYI needs Jim. You've got to bring him back.

Why should I?

Thanks to Jim, our network is now known for its lack of integrity.

I kind of miss the old days when our network was known for its advertisers.

fleeing like rats from a sinking ship.

Yeah, but think about it, Stan. If Jim's leaving was a bad thing for the

network's image, his returning would be a good thing. Right, right. His coming

back would be like he was saying everything's okay with the network

And then he can get your rats back.

You're on thin ice, Fontana.

Okay, shut up.

I did not fire Jim. Jim walked off. If he wants to return, let him walk back

Come on, Stan. We know that Jim's too proud to do that. Besides, we both know

was right.

I don't care if he was right.

I can't have my stars quitting just because they disagree with one of my

decisions. I mean, did the cast of Dave's World quit when I moved them from

Monday night to wherever the hell I moved them to?

Look, Stan, the show needs him. Not just the show. The network needs him. And

not just the network.

Humanity needs him.

Humanity? What in hell are you talking about?

Good one, Frank.

I am noticing a pattern here.

Whenever you people want something, you expect me to do it. Even though it may

be very difficult for me personally.

But when I want something, you're never there.

With all due respect, sir, FYI has done more than its share for you. What about

that special I asked you to do? The one that examines the sociological impact of

romance in modern society?

That's a sex show.

Of course it was a sex show.

You can't use a word like sociological when you're up against Eeyore.

So, say we do this sex show.

Then will you ask Jim to come back?

Forget it. We are not doing a sex show. I don't know, Murphy.

If it'll get Jim back. Yeah, come on, Murphy, for Jim.

Oh, all right.

We'll do your stupid sex show for Jim.

Good. Now, Vabus, I gotta talk the 60 -minute people into doing a program that

examines the earthy and gritty world of the competition among women.

This is that supermodel mud wrestling special, isn't it?

Not if you run into Leslie Stoll, it isn't.

don't know why I have to be here. Couldn't I have done this through email?

That's how I told my son he was adopted.

You have to be here to stand. Jim needs to know you really mean it. I'm a

respected journalist.

I don't care what you suspect.

I deserve at least a courtesy knock and a moment to collect myself before you

kick in the stall door.

It's Jim!

Hey, everybody, it's Jim!

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim! Now, now, now, now, now, now, let's keep things civil.

After all, we don't want the folks at CBS this morning banging on the ceiling

with a broomstick.

Hey, Jim.

Miller, how nice of you to come to my going -away party.

Going -away party?

Oh, that explains all the free shrimp.

Hey, nice working with you, ma 'am.

Jim, look who else came to your party.

Stan, I'm surprised to see you. Are you kidding? When he heard about the party,

wild horses couldn't drag him away.

Really? Yeah, sure, horses.

If you want your job back, you can have it.

Really?

Guys, did you hear that?

Well, nothing would please me more. Hey, everybody, Jim's coming back!

But I can't.

Not until there are some substantive changes in the way the news division is

run.

That's doable, right, Stan? I mean, it's always a good idea for the network to

review its policies from time to time.

Absolutely. No problem. Whatever she says. Seeing that it's settled!

Yes!

I'm afraid that's not good enough, Stan.

I have a guarantee that FYI will never again be pressured into pulling a new

story. I cannot return.

How can I guarantee that? Who knows the circumstances that we'll face in the

future? I see. So we will continue to expose corruption wherever we find it,

long as corruption doesn't have a lawyer.

I was faced with a $15 billion lawsuit. What was I supposed to do? You were

supposed to have the courage of your convictions.

The courage of my convictions? Good.

Open dialogue, you understand. Hear me understand. I'll show you the courage of

my convictions.

You, you, shoot him.

No guns? Well, what do you have?

Forget it. You think you're irreplaceable. Well, you're not. Anybody

job. As a matter of fact, the new anchor for FYI is you.

Me? No, no. Get out of the way.

Behind you. You, Miller. You're the new FYI anchor.

Cool. Thanks, Stan.

What? Yes,

Miller. What do you think of that, Jim?

What do I think?

I think you just helped me decide something.

I'm not going to retire after all. So you're coming back. Quick, Frank, put

sign in. As of Monday, I'll be signing a contract to create a news division for

the ICN network.

ICN? You call that a network?

You want to double the ratings? Convince your wife to watch.

Didn't ICN beat us last Sunday? Of course they did, because we aired the

-conceived special after they were stars.

And for some reason, the public was turned off by the image of the guy from

eating out of a garbage can.

Say what you will, Stan, my news division will never roll over because of

imagined threats. No, sir.

My news division will be built on integrity.

I don't care if you build it on a flaming toxic waste dump.

You're dead in my eyes. You hear me? Dead, dead, dead.

Well, you can't say I didn't try.

Welcome back to the Great American Love Test.

Later in the hour, Frank Fontana goes undercover to a pet shop for nudists.

And speaking of Petty Murphy, did you know that since the introduction of the

Wonder Bra, small -breasted women are having sex 18 % more often?

It's true.

Yes, Corky, I did know that.

Gosh, Murphy, you sure know a lot about sex.

Well, let's just say I've had my share of in -depth interviews. Miles, I'm not

going to say that.

Murphy, we have been over this a million times. Just say the line. The writers

assure me it's very funny. And they're from Harvard.

All right, I'll go talk.

See you.

I can't stand this. I never want to have sex again.

Are you guys as horny as I am?

I don't even know why we're here. The only reason we agreed to do this show

to bring Jim back, and now Jim's not coming back.

The fact is, we did agree to do this, and that's all there is to it.

Sorry, Murphy. I talked to the writers, and they say either we do this or we go

back to the Stortuses from Aer Lingus skit.

Can't we do both?

Please, please.

Man.

Question number eight.

At what age does the average man lose his virginity?

While you're thinking at home, let's ask Frank and Miller for their guess.

2015.

Coming up, Miller Redfield ranked Hollywood's top celebrities on our love

Smooch -O -Meter.

That was great.

Great. For God's sakes, Miles, I looked into the camera and said the word smooch

-o -meter, which, by the way, is number six on my list of things I'd rather die

than say right before how much is that Neil Diamond box set and right after I,

Murphy, take you newt.

Miles, have you asked her yet?

Ask me what?

Um, well, um, you see, we're running a little short, and the writers have come

up with, well, a terrific new segment. New segment? Yeah, well, um...

They want you to ask women on the street if, given the choice, would they refer

to their breasts as hooters, yabbos, or tot -tots.

That's it.

I've humiliated myself enough. The only reason I agreed to do the show was to

get Jim back. Well, now I'm going to go get Jim back. Forget it, Murph. Jim's

not coming back, and there's nothing you can do about it. Mr. Fontana, it's time

to change into your diaper for the Cupid sketch.

I'll drive.

Okay, so what's the plan?

The plan is we explain to him how much we miss him, how much we care about him,

and that we can't do FYI without him. Gotcha.

And another thing, people.

People, people, people.

How many times do I have to tell you we need to be more careful verifying our

quotes? We've only done two broadcasts, and we've already had to issue 16

retractions.

And just so there will be no confusion, that's not good.

All right, Frank, new plan.

We try not to look too smug when he falls to his knees and begs us to take

away from this household.

For the love of God, label your footage.

That way, the next time we do a piece on the presidential primaries, our viewers

won't be treated to home movies of Richard's wife giving birth.

By the way, good camera work, son.

Murphy, Frank, what an unexpected pleasure.

Thank you.

Well, this is quite an operation you've got going here.

Yeah. Give this crappy dump a coat of fresh paint, and you'll have yourself a

freshly painted crappy dump. Well, I admit things don't look like much now,

I'm working with some very young, enthusiastic people. Excuse me, Mr.

I'm Todd. I've got his tie caught in the Mimeo machine again. I'll be over in a

minute. Okay, but he's kind of choking.

Things may seem chaotic, but I assure you that Jim's... I can't get through to

Jennifer Reno on the phone. Her secretary keeps stonewalling me. Tell

got a story from your source in the Justice Department. You want her on

I don't have a source in the Justice Department. She doesn't have to know

Okay.

What a go -getter that one is.

I got Todd out of the Mimeo machine. But now we've got another problem. Someone

forgot to put the news van in park, and it sort of rolled into somebody's

Corvette. What do we do?

Oh, God.

Excuse me, Mr. Dial. Our interview for tonight just fell through. Try calling

William Bennett.

Do you think he'll do it?

If there's one thing you never have to question, my boy, it's whether William

Bennett wants to get his mug on television. I'll hop to it right away,

Oh, one question.

William Bennett's the guy who left his heart in San Francisco, right?

No, that's Tony Bennett. William Bennett is the former secretary of education.

Oh, duh.

Now, keep your eye on that one, Murphy. Someday he's going to give you a run for

your money.

Come on, Jim.

You can drop the act.

You're working with a bunch of amateurs. Oh, I'm aware. My staff may seem a

little green, and this place might appear to be a tad Spartan.

Spartan? Jim, it's a basement.

Okay, it's a basement, but it's a basement untainted by corporate cynicism

greed. And in time, this basement will set the standard for broadcast

journalism. Who cares if we don't have a budget?

Who cares if our cameras break down daily or if our research library

solely of the 1973 New World Encyclopedia?

Whether we're missing volume four, Denmark through electrolysis. The fact

The fact is that... The fact is I'm kidding myself. This place

is hopeless.

Come on, Jim. You gave it your best shot. I'll help you pack.

What did I think I could accomplish? I should have gone with my original

instinct. I should have just retired.

Jim, great news. I got through to Janet Reno. And what did she say? She said,

and I quote, no comment.

Can you believe it? I talked to Janet Reno. Me.

I'm going to go call my mom.

Now, you just hold on there, son.

We're not finished yet.

America wants the truth, and they expect you to get for them. Now, you get on

that phone, and you stay on that phone until you find out what America wants to

know. Then, and only then, can you call your mom.

Some journalist.

He wanted the lead story to be Janet Reno says nothing.

Yeah. I want you to really straighten him out.

Mr. Dial. Yes, sir. Bennett refused to do the interview tonight. How many times

do I have to tell you, son? You have to be tenacious.

I know. That's why I stayed on the line until he said yes.

Bennett will be here any minute.

Well, at least my final broadcast won't be a total embarrassment.

You can't leave here, Jim.

I beg your pardon?

This is great for you.

I haven't seen you so energized.

Look at you. Your sleeves are rolled up. You never roll your sleeves up. I've

known you for 20 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen your forearm.

But you said it yourself, Murphy.

I'm working with amateurs here.

Yeah, they're amateurs now, but you're turning them into professional

journalists. You're inspiring them, just like you inspired me.

That's very kind of you, slugger. But I don't... Don't fight me on this. I'm

being unselfish for once, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

Jim, William Bennett is here.

Take him to the green room.

We don't have him. green room.

Take him to the closet and tell him it's a green room.

Judge, I'll leave with my statistics on my quotes.

Neither. You have to tell a story. Draw people in.

Uh, let me see what you've got there.

Uh, don't go, Slugger. I'll be there in a minute.

Okay, let me see.

Ah, here's your problem. You've got the heart of your story down here, paragraph

five. You've got to move this up here and take this paragraph and move it down

here. You see what that does? Now you've got something to start with. You've got

something to grab on with.

Okay, then down here, that's when you get into the details. That's when you

into the research. You can do the statistics.

What's a redneck?

Tune in for the Jeff Foxworthy show and find out.

Damn straight.

The show premieres tomorrow with a two -hour block of four episodes, starting

10, only on Nick at Night.