Original subtitles

That someday you'll find all who love are blind.

When your heart's on fire, you must stay

alive.

Smoke gets in your eyes.

you see the unbelievable footage I brought back from Bosnia. Oh, God. Oh,

Oh, no.

What? The goatee, Frank.

You're off on a week at a story, and this is what you come back with? I

that Guatemalan piercing ritual was the craziest thing you'd ever do on a

Sunday.

Hey, hey, this look is really happening right now.

Oh, please, Frank. That look was happening two years ago. Trust me. Once

Saget jumps on a train, you can pretty much consider it over.

Tell me about it. The man single -handedly killed the members -only

craze.

We bearded guys have to stick together. This doesn't look bad, does it?

Shave it.

You look like Frank Fontana's dorky evil twin.

Good morning, everyone.

Welcome back, Frank. I assume you will be shaving by show day?

No, I won't. Corky and Murphy, they change their look whenever they feel

it. Nobody says anything.

But the minute I try something a little daring, a little different, a little...

Okay, I'll say it.

sexy. Everybody has a fit. Frank, you can fight me on this, but you know I'm

looking out for your best interests. Or do I need to remind you how they say,

oh, God, not the nipple in Guatemala?

Sorry, ma 'am. I thought it was my coat pocket. Otherwise, I never would have

scratched so vigorously.

Oh, God, it's Stuart Fess.

Hello, FYI.

splendid to see you all again. Hey, Frank, I really dig the new look.

I'll see you by show night.

Stuart, we had no idea you were back in town. In fact, after the difficulties

you experienced in Congress.

Let's call a spade a spade, Jim. I was voted out of office and an angry mob

burned my house to the ground. Twice.

You wouldn't think they'd bother to torch the charred remains of a house.

But it is.

Have you managed to piece things back together, or are you sort of, you know,

pelted with things wherever you go?

Frequently. In fact, I really had reached a low point. After all, who

a disgraced politician known for representing despicable causes?

But hire me someone did. Who? The American tobacco industry.

I'm now a professional lobbyist. You're a kid. Oh, now I know what you're

thinking. That you're pimping for an industry that has the moral integrity of

rabid sewer rat?

Maybe you were a little kinder in my imagination, but I'm here to tell you

American tobacco industry has gotten a bad rap. Yeah, and pork's the other

meat.

Stuart, cigarettes cause cancer. It's as simple as that.

Don't tell me you still believe that old wives' tale.

Besides, a lot of things are bad for you. I don't see you jumping on Phil.

he serves liquor. Liquor that leads to liver damage. And red meat. Red meat

leads to heart disease. And salad.

Salad that leads to... I don't know what salad leads to, but our boys in the lab

are sure it leads to something.

What are you picking on me for?

I own a bar.

Next thing you know, you'll want me to take the asbestos out of the ceiling.

If it had any. Which it doesn't. I swear.

Gotta go.

Well, all's I know is, the last time I checked, this was America, and people

still had the right to choose.

In fact, I could really go for a cool, clean, menthol taste

right now.

refreshing. I don't believe it. You don't have the slightest ethical problem

with working for the tobacco industry, do you?

Nope.

Excuse me? I have to make a call. We're developing a whole new line of purple

cigarettes designed to reach out to all those adults who are fans of Barney.

It comes with a sing -along cassette.

I love smoking, I love smoking, light one up, maybe two.

It's great at milk and cookies.

You'll get lost to lookies. You'll be cool.

You'll be cool.

Poor Stuart.

Poor Stuart. Are you insane? Well, it's not like he invented tobacco. He just

works for the tobacco industry.

Does that mean we can't be happy that he finally landed on his feet? Yeah,

that's right. We can't. Murphy, I think you're being a little inflexible. I

mean, my granddaddy was a tobacco farmer.

Does that mean I shouldn't love him? That's right. You shouldn't.

You know, Murph.

Even though his job is pretty awful, I mean, Stuart's had a lot of bad breaks

his life, and a lot of them that have been caused by us.

Hey, great news.

Violent crime has overtaken us as the leading cause of death. We're number two

now.

We've all been talking, and we think we've been a little hard on you.

Yeah. After all, why should we let 419 ,000 smoking -related deaths a year

between us? Great!

But, you know, I should point out that those 419 ,000 smoking -related deaths

are really just a statistical slate of N.

In fact, even after years of research, not one of those deaths can really be

directly attributed to the...

I'm a pimp for an industry of death and deception.

There's blood on my hands.

This cashmere coat?

Blood. This Rolex watch?

Blood. These chinchilla -lined gloves?

Blood. In fact, fur. Blood twice over. I'm just a horrible human

being. Come on, Stuart.

Working for the tobacco industry isn't that bad. I mean, somebody has to do it.

Sure they do. I mean, think about all the people from foreign countries that

just love American cigarettes and aren't aware how deadly they are. And

prisoners. Prisoners love cigarettes. It's like currency for them.

Cigarettes kill.

Any moron can see that.

And if you'd seen the things I've seen, memos, reports, documents.

Memos, reports, documents? You've seen those things?

Seen them, written them, buried them under cover of night in a vault several

miles beneath the Earth's surface.

You know, Stuart, if you really wanted to cleanse your soul, you could come on

FYI and share what you know.

You think so? Really?

Yes, Stuart, I really do.

Marf, you're right.

I'll do it.

This is the perfect way.

To absolve my guilt.

And, hey, if any of you want a size 36 short cashmere coat, it's yours. I'm

disposing of every one of my ill -gotten gains.

Thank you, guys.

Well, we're proud of you, Stuart. I'll take the Rolex.

What? The coat's too short.

Those documents you gave me put the Pentagon Papers to shame. Have you got

more? As many as I could stuff down my shirt without looking suspicious or

causing unnecessary taping.

Hey, Stuart. How you doing?

Great. You know, this double agent thing is a real kick.

Today, I was going home, and the guard stopped me and asked if he could inspect

my trunk.

Things got pretty tense, I can tell you. Really? What happened?

Well, nothing happened. I didn't have anything in my trunk, but I could have.

And that made the moment just...

Delicious with tension.

I tell you, you really just seem to have a great attitude about all this. Why

shouldn't I?

Well, considering how much your life could change.

Why, you guys promised to disguise my face with a blue dot.

You're still going to do that, aren't you? I already told my mother that's how

to recognize me. Don't worry, we will. Everything is going to be fine. I was

just thinking about Jim Spaulding, this whistleblower I interviewed once, that's

all. What happened to Jim Spaulding? Nothing.

Nothing happened to him.

Oh. Yeah, right. Nothing happened to him. Nothing at all.

Excuse me, but I think something happened to Jim Spaulding and I'd like

about it.

Well, you know, somehow someone

recognized him and he got fired and lost his house. What?

Yeah, but that was a fluke. That was a total fluke. Isn't that right, Pat? A

fluke. A total fluke. And that's all.

That's the end of the Jim Spaulding story. That is the end of the Jim

story. I swear it.

Frank, you're not telling that Jim Spaulding story again, are you? Oh, it's

sad. Poor man gets blacklisted.

Can't find another job.

Then he gets arrested for shoplifting dog food.

Oh, God.

Yeah, but you know, he only did six months. It was minimum security. It was

a country club.

What's going on here? Is there a problem? No, no, no. There's no problem.

me, Stuart. Your cover will be safe and you will land on your feet. And thank

you for making all our lives easier, Frank.

Well, as long as you're forthright with him. After all, no one wants a repeat of

the Karen Stevens incident.

The Karen Stevens?

What happened to her?

Oh, don't tell that story, Jim. I hate that story.

She's nobody. Nothing happened to her. You call a horribly disfiguring acid

attack nothing?

Yes, sir.

You deserve to know the risks, slugger.

All right.

Stuart, you're about to go on television to reveal the dark secrets of one of

the most vengeful industries on the planet. Now, we'll do our best to

your anonymity, but we can't make any promises.

So, if you're afraid to go forward, I'll understand.

You will? No, Stuart, you've got to go through with this.

You're right, you're right, Murph. I'll do it. Let them blacklist me. So what?

What are they going to do?

Sue me!

They can sue me?

I can't afford to lose all my money. My mother has incredible medical expenses.

Do you have any idea how big a staff a 500 -pound woman with violent mood

requires?

Stuart, relax. This news division has never been successfully sued. Now, if

it'll make you feel any better, we can go talk to the lawyers, but I don't

think... That would be good. Let's do that. Yeah, but they're really busy. It

could take hours. You don't want to take that kind of time.

Hey, where are you two off to?

We're going up to legal, sir. It's a little nervous about his story. Good

We wouldn't want a repeat of what happened to Jan Skinner. Jan Skinner!

You don't think I'm being overly paranoid, do

you, Merv? No, Stuart, I don't.

And I'm not being too much of a bother personally, am I, Merv? No, Stuart,

you're not.

Because if I were being too much of a bother, I'd really want you to tell me.

Well, now that you mention it, you are being a little repetitive.

Oh, excuse me! for caring about my future.

So where's the stoolie with the cold feet?

Stan! Wow, it's Stan! I can't tell you how much your being here means to me,

Stan!

Sure, you're welcome. Who the hell are you?

Stan, it's me, Stuart Best.

Oh, I guess you guys haven't seen each other since Stuart left FYI 19 years

Has it really been 19 years? Well... You shouldn't have left the FYI family,

Stuart. I didn't leave. You fired me.

Ah, who remembers?

That was the 70s. I had kids in the 70s. I don't remember.

Now, Stan, as I believe I mentioned, Stuart is a little nervous about going

ahead with his story.

Nervous? You're going to get a blue dot.

Stuart, hello. Alan Heinberg.

Susan Brooke. Now, as legal counsel for the network, let us assure you that

we've examined your situation and determined that there's no way you can

for appearing on FYI and revealing what you know. You hear that, Stuart?

Can't be sued. As long as you didn't sign a non -disclosure agreement.

Well, you've got nothing to fear. And since you told me you didn't sign one of

those, there's no problem.

Of course not.

Well, okay then. Unless, of course... Let's play a game of what if, shall we?

Are you saying... You signed a non -disclosure agreement?

All right.

What if I did?

Stuart, why didn't you say something earlier?

Oh, I couldn't. The non -disclosure agreement said I couldn't even disclose

I'd signed a non -disclosure agreement.

What was I supposed to do? Just disclose... Now I remember you. You're

who did those commentaries.

This meeting is over. All right, all right. So he can be sued. So what? I

is that a problem? We can cover that. How much is he worth? $100 ,000?

$20 ,000?

$5 ,000? Well, assuming I've correctly calculated the street value of my

No, Murphy, you don't understand. It isn't just Stewart who's liable. The

network is, too. Now, if he goes on FYI and reveals privileged information, it

could be argued that you induced him into breaking his contract.

We're going to kill an accurate story because we might be soon. We've never

that before.

Do you suppose there's any way my employer knows I was going to do this

Murphy, we can't take the risk. Look what happened with ABC and Philip

Now, our suggestion is you kill the story.

Oh! Oh!

Okay, I didn't realize it was just a suggestion. Well, all right, thanks a

guys, and bye -bye.

Can my employer sue me for thinking of doing this story? Would you leave us

alone? We are not your lawyers.

A suggestion from us is really a little more than just a suggestion.

Our suggestion will allow the network to avoid a $15 billion lawsuit that,

if tried in a tobacco -friendly state, we will very likely lose.

Murphy, I'm beginning to appreciate their suggestion.

Are you kidding?

I have no choice. The network doesn't have $15 billion. I don't have $15

billion. Does anybody here have $15 billion?

I don't have $15 billion.

We'll get them next time.

I'm sure you'll get another stoolie job.

You can't let them kill this story. That's a horrible precedent to set.

I'm sorry, Murphy. If there was any other way, I would do it. But what can I

tell you?

The business has changed.

Sorry, Murphy.

You must be pretty upset.

Yep.

Are you upset with me or upset with the situation?

The situation.

Oh. In that case, how about asking Stan for my old job back?

Just a thought. I'll ask Frank.

If FYI isn't going to do the tough story, who is?

We need to take action. Forget it. There's nothing we can do.

Sure there is.

We'll have a sick out. We'll all call in sick with a flu. What do you say?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, guys.

You know, I've been playing the sick card kind of a lot lately.

Last time, Lansing caught me in Aspen skiing when I was supposed to be at home

with the whooping cough.

Well, then this won't work.

I sent you muffins.

You know, there must be something else we can do.

I know.

Why don't we boycott this week's show?

Let's stick with what you're talking about.

We're not going to put up with it anymore.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Guys, as soon as the network knows we're boycotting the

show, they'll just air a rerun. No one will care.

I hadn't thought of that.

They wouldn't do this to Mike Wallace.

I got it.

We slipped the story to another network.

Interesting. You'd give it to the competition.

Well, that way at least it would run. The truth will get out there.

Okay, let's go.

You know,

I really thought that one had promise.

We go over to Phil's right now and discuss this bitterly over dinner.

Okay, absolutely.

I'll tell you what, guys, I'll catch up with you. I've got a few things to take

care of. Okay, we'll see you in a bit. I know

what you're thinking, and you can't

quit.

Why not?

Because there are too many stories out there waiting for you to report on.

It can't work like this, Jim.

Every time I go after a story, I'm going to wonder if the network will support

me. The people I'm going after will know it, too.

You still can't quit?

Quitting is the worst possible message you could send.

Look, Slugger, maybe you've lost this battle, but please, I beg you, don't

up the war.

Or then they really will have won.

You're right, of course.

It would make for a wonderfully bold gesture and an incredibly stupid idea.

I'd wake up with the same mixture of nausea and regret I had after I spent

night with Steve Garvey.

I'm sorry I wasn't there to talk you down then, too.

Jim, how is it that after 40 years in this business, you still manage to come

into work every day with the same idealism you started out with?

I just consider our job a sacred one, I guess.

To inform the people.

There's no more honorable way to make a living.

At least not in my book.

Well, the people don't know how lucky they are.

Say, uh, did this event happen when Steve Garvey was a Dodger and you were

drinking?

You think I'd sleep with him when he was a Padre and I was sober?

unrest in his country, CIA sources are confident the Shah of Iran maintains a

firm grasp on power and should continue to do so for many years to come. Of

course, only time will tell.

Back to you, Jim.

Yes, well, time did tell, and he had about three days.

Of course, instead of that riveting 17 -year -old story, we had originally

intended to air a very critical report on the tobacco industry tonight.

But our lawyers told us we couldn't for fear of being sued, even though the

report was accurate.

I promise you, however, that we here at FYI will not be intimidated by this

experience, but rather inspired by it, to fight even harder to report on

corporate crime and duplicity. Jim?

Thank you, Murphy.

Well said.

On tonight's world according to Dial, what can be done about Americans'

obsession with junk food?

Now, as I see it... All right, that's enough. You're going to have to come

us. What are you talking about?

Unhand me this instant. You can't make these comments. They can anger the fast

food industry and they might sue. Come on. I'm a journalist.

I report the truth.

You can't do this.

You can't do this. You can't do this. You can't do this. ...report on

crime and duplicity. Jim?

Thank you, Murphy.

Well, well said.

I had prepared a commentary tonight, but instead, I feel compelled to address

the issue Murphy just informed you about.

I have served at this network for 40 years, and I have been proud of my

But what happened this week, killing a truthful news story for fear of a

lawsuit, is something, quite frankly, that I am ashamed of.

It's not journalism.

It is not what I have devoted my life to, and I will not let it go unanswered.

So, with that in mind...

I officially announce my resignation from this show and this network.

This has been my final edition of FYI.

Good night.