Original subtitles

Kurt, here's a list of those tapes I need from the archives, and I need the

of that research messenger through my house tonight.

Murphy, don't tell me you forgot about the dinner dance tonight.

I didn't forget, Courtney. I'm just going to have to pull another all

if I'm going to finish my prison reform piece on time.

Mark, have you got those statistics I asked for? Oh, man, it's my fault you're

not going, isn't it, Murph? This is exactly the kind of couple thing you and

always used to go to together, you know, before I was in a relationship.

Frank, you're taking what's -her -name tonight just because she lets you borrow

her fabric softener at the laundromat hardly constitutes a relationship.

Hey, this could really be serious. And for your information, she has a name.

It's... Good afternoon,

all.

You know, Murphy, just because you don't have a date doesn't mean you can't come

to the dance.

There'll be a lot of single men there.

Single men in their sunset years.

And they're usually desperate and alone.

Not coming? Why not?

What's the matter with Frank? He's in a serious relationship.

Okay, so things didn't work out with you and Peter.

That doesn't mean you should stop trying. I mean, look at me and Miles.

He's the best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you, honey.

I don't know where I'd be without Doris.

Her warm hugs.

The way she adjusts my tie.

The hacking and gargling noises every morning as we run.

Some might be grotesque, but to me, it's the sweet music of home.

Martha?

Murphy, have you heard a single thing we've said?

Yeah. Poor spinster date -less me, all alone with nothing but my soon -to -be

-humble winning story to keep me company. You know, Murphy, I want a

And it's nice.

But trust me, there are things that Miles can do. My Humboldt never could.

Well, that's great, Courtney. But talk to me again when you've got six of them

and a little more imagination.

Shouldn't you still be at that dance with what's -her -name?

Oh, you are?

She did what?

While you were dancing?

Frank, I guess that does mean she likes you.

No, I'm fine.

No, no, I'm not working too hard.

I'll just be up for another two or three days.

Yeah, right.

Thanks, Frank.

I'm coming.

Hi.

Hi?

That's all you have to say is hi?

Hi there.

We haven't seen each other for months. I don't know whether you're dead or

alive, and you think you can just drop in on me out of the blue?

Is that a problem?

Not at all.

orchids. Where did you find these in the middle of winter?

This time of year, Mogadishu is lousy with them.

So, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm between assignments.

I got 24 hours in town, and all I wanted to do was to come here and be with you.

24 hours? Yeah.

Jeez, Peter.

I've got a ton of work to do.

Okay, I tell you what.

You go ahead and do your work, and I'll take care of you.

It'll be like having a secretary you can sexually harass all you want.

I'll go make some tea while you make suggestive comments about my butt.

So, what are you working on anyway?

He's on budget cuts and prison reform. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I

don't think this is a good idea.

I'm going to be up all night.

Probably not going to be finished until morning.

Okay.

Okay, morning is fine.

As you may recall, I do some of my best work in the morning.

Peter, I'm going to be exhausted.

Sure, if we do it right.

Okay, fine.

Maybe this was a mistake.

Look, you expect me to drop everything just because you show up. I mean, we

don't talk, we don't see each other, we don't even have a relationship anymore.

And this is exactly why.

Because you've always found a way to let something come between us.

Can we talk about this later? I'm too tired to have this argument now, and

got a lot of work to do.

Face it, Murphy.

You don't know how to be in a relationship.

I don't think he ever did.

Oh, sure. It's all my fault. I'm the guilty one.

I'm starting to feel like I'm on trial here.

Trial here.

Trial here. Trial here. Trial here.

We believe that the evidence will show unequivocally that time after time, the

defendant has willfully and wantonly sabotaged her relationship, proving

a shadow of a doubt that this woman, Murphy Brown, is guilty as charged.

Oh, jeez. Why couldn't this be that dream with Antonio Banderas and the

Lou Famet?

Gentlemen of the jury, the people call Mr.

Jake Lowenstein to the witness stand.

Oh, no, Jake.

I'm sure this is all very meaningful in that trains and tunnels sort of way, but

is any of this really necessary?

Mr. Lowenstein.

Would you describe for the jury your relationship to the defendant?

Certainly. I was her husband for five days, which, if I'm not mistaken, is

the record for her.

And if you had to say who was responsible for the demise of your

that person would be... No question about it. It was Murphy.

I object.

Jake and I may have had our difficulties, but the breakup of our

was definitely not my fault.

Oh, really?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let me direct your attention to Exhibit A,

Chicago, 1968.

Inside the Democratic Convention, Hubert Humphrey is being nominated for

president, while outside, protesters clashed with police in what became one

the most turbulent encounters in recent American history.

No, not our wedding day.

If it were up to me, I'd have you all shot.

But on account of a little thing known as the Constitution, I can't.

So I'm fining all of you $100 plus time served.

Now get the hell out of here.

Hey, Judge Mann. Hey, I know you're probably really busy propping up the

carcass of capitalist imperialism, but you could marry us.

What's the matter?

Vegas was booked?

We met during the riot. He was getting clubbed, and I was getting maced, and

something just really felt right.

I really don't have time for this.

Your Honor, sir, there's probably going to be a lot of press about these riots,

most of it negative. Wouldn't it be groovy if they could report on something

positive, like a wedding?

I'll bet that the judge who made it possible will get a profile written

him, maybe even the Merv Griffin show.

Merv Griffin?

All right, let's make it snappy.

You take this hippie freak to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, honor,

and obey him?

Well, obey?

What am I, a golden retriever? How about cherish?

Are you okay with cherish? Cherish is cool. Fine.

Love, honor, and cherish in sickness and in... Uh, one more thing. I don't cook.

Never have, never will. Okay.

And, um, don't expect me to do your laundry. Your dirty socks are your

Look, honey, the judge is in a hurry, so maybe we can just deal with this stuff

later. Uh...

Also, I'm not crazy about guys calling me honey. My name is Murphy.

Not sweetie, not baby Murphy. M -U -R -P -H -Y. So,

let's have a recap.

Love, honor, cherish.

No cooking, cleaning, or calling her honey.

That okay with you? Yes.

How about you?

Uh, okay.

Good. You're married.

Goodbye.

Oh, one more thing.

Don't take it personally, but I might be a little funny about your driving my

car. I don't like anybody driving my car. Good luck, son.

I took really long showers. And about foot rugs, I get them, I don't get them.

That's when I knew it probably wasn't going to work out between us.

Thank you for going, Dean.

You may step down.

Wait a second. You're going to condemn me for one week of my life 20 -odd years

ago? Of course not.

The people call Mr. Jerry Gold to the witness stand.

Hello, Brown.

This is what it looks like inside your head, huh?

Boy, you should have eased up on the old electric Kool -Aid back in the summer

of love.

Please describe to the jury, if you would, your relationship with the

Did you ever see the Sonny Liston -Cassius Clay fight?

It was sort of like that, but with no time to sponge off and spit your teeth

into a bucket.

So why do you think your relationship ended?

That's easy.

It's because I'm gay.

Why do you think it ended?

Because of her, she couldn't let anything go without a big argument.

New Year's Eve 1989, great example. Oh, no, not this again.

We went to a party at Hank Kissinger's house. If you can call a few dozen

egghead sipping wine spritzers a party.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit B. I didn't even want to go to

damn thing. And, of course, Murphy was late as usual.

Sorry, I'm late.

No problem.

I love having Marlo Thomas explain to me how the Berlin Wall coming down was a

direct result of hands across America.

Unbelievable. The Cold War is finally ending and you hawks can't wait to take

all the credit. Why don't you just put on a big foam finger and shout? Brown,

Brown, Brown.

It was a joke.

Oh.

You know, sometimes I get the feeling the only reason you're in this

relationship is because you enjoy picking fights with me. Oh, right. It's

fault. You know, you make some stupid... Okay, okay, okay, okay. Look, look.

It's New Year's Eve.

Let's make a resolution.

I promise I'll try to watch what I say. If you promise not to turn everything I

do say into World War III.

Deal? Five, four, three, two, one. Happy New Year!

I was thinking, I have this friend who has this cabin in Vermont.

Maybe next New Year's Eve we'll spend it alone, just the two of us.

Without the cast of Gandhi?

It just happens to be the UN ambassador from Bangladesh. But I guess they're all

just towel heads to you.

Congratulations, Brian. You made it all of two seconds into the new year without

breaking a resolution.

I thought I was going to watch what you say. Don't try and pin this on me. I

made a simple comment. Simple comment? That's right, a simple comment. Can you

understand that? Oh, no. You made a huge, big damn deal. That's where I knew

probably wasn't going to work out.

And it became even clearer when Kissinger tried to broker a peace

between us and wound up taking a sucker punch meant for me.

Thank you, Mr. Gold.

The people now call to the witness stand Mr.

Mitchell Baldwin.

You're the guy who followed me?

Brown, I'm impressed.

Oh, there goes the old saying, once you've had a Jew, nothing else will do.

Now then, Mr.

You two had a relationship with the defendant, is that correct?

Yes, that's correct, but it is over now.

And you see the person responsible for ending it here in this courtroom?

That's her right there.

Ooh, big surprise, there's no one else here.

Mr. Baldwin, how'd you come to meet the defendant?

I was vice president of the news division.

I guess you could say technically I was her boss.

Did that present any difficulties in the relationship?

With Murphy, everything presented a difficulty in a relationship.

But yes, I'm sure her competitive nature was inflamed by my being her superior.

Superior.

Would you say her competitiveness played a large part in the demise of your

relationship? Absolutely.

She was competitive about everything, even things she had no business being

competitive about.

The name of the game is Horse.

One person calls the shots.

If she makes it and the other person doesn't, he gets the letter H.

The next time she makes it and he doesn't, he gets the letter O. The next

she makes it... I know how to play horse, Murphy.

We'll see about that, won't we?

Okay. Top of the key, scoop shot between the legs, nothing but net. What? What

kind of lame shot is that?

You even want to try or you just want to take the H?

Out of my way.

I don't believe I'm doing this.

Okay, off the board, over the head, while hopping on one foot.

Make that one, Chunk.

Here's the thing with everything, you know. Everything has to be a challenge

with you.

So, that's an H?

So, that's an H?

Looks like I'm not the only one here who's competitive.

Yeah, but the difference is you can walk away right now and I never talk about

this again. If I walk away, I'll never hear the end of it. That's ridiculous.

Prove me wrong, Murphy. Let's just both walk away right now. What do you say?

Behind the back, off the board, eyes closed.

Damn.

then you won't have any trouble doing it again, will you?

Unless you think you can't.

Now then, hopping on the left foot, both eyes closed off the backboard while

patting your tongue.

That's when I knew it probably wasn't going to work out between us.

Thank you, Mr. Baldwin.

That will be all.

been asking all the questions. When do I get my turn? Don't I get a chance to

cross -examine the witness?

Help yourself.

Well then, Mr. Baldwin, for the record, who won that game?

You did.

No further questions.

The people call Mr.

Robert Owens to the stand.

Robert Owens? Who the hell is Robert Owens?

My junior high school boyfriend?

I don't believe this.

Robert, please tell us in your own words, what caused your breakup with the

defendant? Well, I've always felt that without a mutual willingness to commit,

it's very difficult to sustain a meaningful relationship.

And would you say that you and the defendant were close?

Oh, yes, very close.

Third base.

We had dreams, Bobby.

All right, maybe second base. It was dark.

To point it, I was ready to take the relationship to the next step.

But it always seemed like Murphy had something else on her mind.

This is really nice, Murphy.

Look at that.

That sleazy Johnny Bateman thinks nobody sees him pouring vodka in the punch

bowl.

I'll get some punch.

We've been dating for a while now.

Well, will you go steady with me?

Oh, geez, Louise.

I'm not ready to settle down.

I want to see the world, meet interesting people, don't you? No.

I just want to be with you.

Look at us, Murphy.

We're so right for each other.

I'm ready to pledge my undying love so we can be together forever and ever.

Is that your hand on my ass?

Okay.

We can talk later.

Bunch of us are going up to the lake now.

Yeah.

The perfect place for making out.

Well, I was going to go home and watch the Kennedy -Nixon debate.

You'd rather watch some stupid debate on TV than go make out with me?

Well, you're just going to have to choose, Murphy. What's it going to be?

Let's see.

The political future of our country or your sweaty hands trying to unhook my

bra.

Don't watch me.

That's when I knew it probably wasn't going to work out.

Thank you very much, Bobby.

That will be all.

The people rest their case.

Finally. As the evidence has clearly shown, the defendant has had numerous

opportunities for relationships, yet time after time those relationships have

failed. So I ask you, a jury of her peers, on the charge of being totally

incapable of maintaining a mature, stable relationship, how do you find the

defendant?

We, the jury, find the defendant guilty as charged.

Ooh, heavy.

Okay, look.

I don't know why I haven't been successful at relationships.

Maybe sometimes I have been controlling and competitive and

other stuff.

But a man can be all those things and still expect to find a woman to put up

with it. I don't know why I'm the one that has to change.

It's not fair.

I believe the jury has spoken.

But I never even got to present my side of the case. Don't I get to call any

witnesses?

All right, but make it quick. I've got to be in Barbara Walter's dream in five

minutes.

The defense called Mr. Peter Hunt to the witness stand.

Whoa, wait a second.

That's not in the rules.

As clearly outlined in the dictum of res judicata. Yeah, yeah, and ipso facto

presto change. Oh, get your habeas corpus up there, Bob.

Now then, Mr. Hunt, isn't it true that when we started our relationship, we

agreed it was bound to end eventually?

True. And isn't it also true that we didn't get married because we both

it wouldn't work out?

Yes, that's true. And isn't it also true that the real reason our relationship

didn't work out was because both of us were too stubborn to change?

No. What?

I was always willing to change if you were.

I was always willing to match you compromise for compromise. I still am.

Wait a minute. You never said this before. I didn't know that. This changes

everything. I want a new trial.

Wait, stop. This isn't fair.

I want a new trial.

Wait, stop.

I want a new trial.

I want a new trial.

I want a new trial.

I want a new trial.

I want a new trial.

ask you something about our relationship if i've been i don't know different

could you have been different too

Hi, it's Peter.

Peter, listen, it's Murphy. I know it's been a while, but... I'm not home right

now. I mean, well, let's face it, your guess is as good as mine.

But leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you whenever.