Original subtitles

Hello, I'm Miller Redfield, coming to you with an exclusive interview.

With me today is the new Burrito Buddy from Burrito City.

My name is D .S. Miller.

I'm sorry, Burrito Buddy, I don't speak Spanish.

I do, however, speak tasty Mexican food, which brings me to my first question.

What makes you so Mexilicious?

Oh, sorry, amigo, but that's a south of the border secret.

Come on, Burrito Buddy, just between you and me?

Well...

It's the cheese. You're driving me. Okay.

Well, Burrito Buddy, you really are Mexilicious.

This has been Miller Redfield with a special report.

Come in and say hola to the new Burrito Buddy. 99 cents all week long at Burrito

City.

I don't believe it. He did a commercial.

I didn't authorize this. Who authorized this? People are going to think I

authorized this. I did not authorize this. The man is a journalist.

Journalists don't interview food.

It's just not done.

It certainly isn't. Well, sure, I interviewed Mr. Peanut once, but that

a serious news story.

And what about the fact that he took a bite out of that guy?

Doesn't anyone find that disturbing?

Well, sure, you know, I know the guy is playing a burrito, but he's still a guy.

That's great. Now I have to go tell Lancy.

Burrito, he's giving me severe intestinal cramping and I've never even

there.

Has anything Murphy seen it yet?

It's time.

I'm not...

Kill him.

Justine. No question.

I said the word mexilicious.

This time Miller's gone too far. Yeah, hi, it's Murphy. I want to talk to Stan.

Yeah, I'll hold.

This time I'm going to make sure Miller's mexibut gets mexibooted. As

should be.

In the end, all we journalists have is our credibility.

How is the public supposed to trust us? At one moment, we're informing them of

welfare reductions. The next moment, we're hawking TVs, satellite dishes,

antacids, and long -distance carriers.

It's prostitution under another name, I tell you.

Why does drinking stand so long? Oh, forget it. I'm just going to go up to

office.

Ah! Where are you going, Murphy? We've got a crisis on our hands.

That lunatic.

People are supposed to eat tacos, not talk to them.

Actually, Stan, it was a burrito.

Is that right?

Yeah. You see, a burrito is made out of a soft flour tortilla.

There's a taco... Who cares? One of my news people took a bite out of a guy.

Stan, can we talk in my office? I am too furious to stand out here and talk.

Let's go to your office. People biting people. What are we, the animal

broadcasting society?

It's about Miller. I demand that you take him home.

Murphy, don't try to defend him. That toe -headed dandy went too far this

Stan, if I were you, I'd fire him. Good idea.

But I can't.

Thanks to my numbskull nephew, Andrew...

Front and center is part of the entertainment division, not the news

And people in the entertainment division can do commercials.

As we all know from Loretta Swit's delightfully informative advertisement

Gunna Lotriman.

Forget about commercials.

Why don't you just fire him? Because he stinks.

Would that I could.

But no, Murphy.

We're just going to have to wait till that Nimrod screws something up that I

fire him for.

Or... We just hope that he improves.

Miller isn't going to improve. He's an idiot.

Oh, sure, maybe if he really, really applies himself, he can work his way up

moron. Come on, Stent, forget it.

Miller is never going to change.

Never going to change.

Where have I heard those words before? It was said during a dinner at the White

House when a certain blonde reporter got so drunk she started lobbing dinner

rolls at Isaac Stern because he wouldn't play the theme song from The Odd

Couple.

But then she checked herself into the Betty Ford Center and she changed.

Don't you think Miller deserves that chance?

It's hardly the same thing.

All right, all right.

This would be the last chance, right?

Murphy, if you just give me two weeks, and then if you don't feel he's changed,

I guarantee you I'll find a way to get rid of him.

You know what, Stan? I've got a better idea.

Why don't we fire him now? That way we could start the healing process two

earlier.

Two weeks.

Jim!

Hello, Stan.

That Miller is killing me. All right, if a man wants to talk to a burrito in the

privacy of his own home, fine.

But on national television...

You know, that kid could use some guidance.

Yes, let's hope he gets it.

Oh, I miss the days when Eric Severide used to walk these halls.

Eric Severide?

He was so generous with his time, helping the young reporters.

In fact, Eric Severide gave you a few pointers, didn't he?

He did more than that. He shaped my entire career.

But what you're saying is, you wouldn't be half...

the newsman you are today if it wasn't for the wise tutelage of a man like Eric

Severin.

You'd do anything to keep Miller's huge ratings, wouldn't you say?

I'd sell my mother.

If I could remember what home I put her in.

There was Happy Valley, Sunny Valley. I remember there were a lot of ramps.

You understand what I'm saying. Jim, what do you think? Would you help

I'm sorry, Stan, but I think Miller is incapable of change.

Incapable of change.

Jim Dial, do you remember when you were in the Betty Ford Center?

I was never in the Betty Ford Center.

Damn. Okay, we're going to go another way.

Jim, I am begging you.

All right, I'll do it. But don't... Tell Miller you asked me to help him. I

prefer he think I'm doing this of my own volition.

Keep it a big secret.

You think that's best?

Yes, Stan. Yes, I do. Hey, Stan, was that two weeks from today or two weeks

the last show?

Hold the word.

Nick at Night presents... Hey, everybody.

Hey, good show tonight, Miller. Yeah, you really think so? No.

Jimbo, what brings you down to Miller country?

Well, I just needed to, um...

That is to say... Oh, yeah, they're all there.

But, you know, as long as I've accidentally happened upon you, Miller,

the last few minutes of your piece, and I must say, I was impressed.

What were you impressed with?

With how comfortable you seem up there. Ah, thanks.

Silk shorts.

It's like doing the news in your pajamas.

I didn't have one thought.

Concerning your delivery, though, do you mind if I share it?

Well, if I let you, does that mean I have to share one with you, too? No.

Okay, then.

Well, in general, I find that it helps to read the copy before

you deliver it.

Read it before?

Yeah, won't that get in the way of the spontaneity?

Perhaps, but on the other hand, when you're doing a story about a child

in a well, it might just keep you from screaming, he's going to die, I just

it.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

Cool. Hey, thanks, Matt.

You know, I have a few more thoughts that might be helpful. That is, if you'd

like to hear them.

Jim, if you have a solution to my combination skin problem, I'm going to

you on the lips.

Oh, please don't.

Listen,

Jim, why are you telling me all this stuff anyway?

Oh, just one journalist to another. It's nothing, really.

Actually, I think it is.

You know, you've never so much as given me the time of day before, and now

you're treating me like a real newsman.

I'm touched.

Jim, I... I want you to have this.

Buy one burrito, buddy. Get a second one.

Oh, Miller, this really isn't necessary.

Oh, yes, yes, it is. They gave me 5 ,000 of these things. They expire on Sunday.

I'd be happy to provide a few more helpful tips now and then, free of

You know, for example, here.

Now, look at this.

Take a look at these stories and tell me which one you'd lead with.

Well, this one, obviously.

That's an ad.

50 % off at Armani?

That's always news.

Oh, well, Rome wasn't built in a day. Now, let's take a good look at this

shall we? Sure.

Oh, hey, Merrick. Really nice front and center last night. Oh, thanks. Well, at

least half of it was.

Oh, yeah, well, you were a little off, but Miller was very good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Miller is very far from being very good. He's just lowered our expectations to

the point where if a day goes by that he doesn't push the emergency stop button

on the elevator, we think he's Jeopardy material.

Good morning, everyone.

Hi, Miller.

Uh... Listen, Miller, Frank and I were just having a little debate.

What do you think is the best way our military should deal with guerrilla

warfare?

Well, ideally, I think the answer lies in a long -term diplomatic strategy that

would prevent us from getting involved in these confrontations in the first

place.

Oh, so nothing banana -related, huh?

No, Murphy, that's a different kind of gorilla.

But I can understand your confusion.

It's what we call a homonym.

Oh, my, would you take a look at this?

Teen pregnancy is on the rise again.

Well, I can't say I'm surprised.

Today's high schools are nothing more than state -sponsored brothels.

Why, in my day, a girl's maidenhead was a jewel to be preserved until the day

she wed.

If you have a moment, I have an idea for next week's front and center that I'd

like to run by you.

Shoot.

How about a piece exploring the ties between the anti -environmental lobby

militia groups?

Well, Miller, that isn't a bad idea.

Yeah, I wish we had that for FYI. Oh, come on, it's not that great. He just

picked two names out of a hat and threw them together. You don't need a brain

for that. All you need is a hat.

Well, I don't care. We already got it. I think it's great. We're going with it.

Splendid.

How are you?

Good day, all.

I must say, Miller, you're looking very dapper today.

Likewise. Coffee? Love some.

Well, I'd better get cracking on my assignment or... Well, you know what

say.

I certainly do.

So long, Jim.

So long, slugger.

Okay, Jim, I know what's going on here.

I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, please, it's so obvious.

Miller's dressing like you, he's talking like you, he even used the word

homonym, for God's sake. Unless they've invented a styling gel that increases

IQ, you've been coaching Miller.

Me? Coaching Miller? Why, that's preposterous. I don't think so, because

only other explanation is that...

That wasn't Miller at all. It was somebody in a rubber mat disguising

Miller. And then you'd have to ask, why would anyone go to all that trouble? And

then the whole thing starts falling apart.

I'd like to help you, Murphy, but I'm afraid you've lost your mind. Now, if

you'll excuse me.

Okay, show of hands here, people. Am I insane or is Jim lying?

Well, don't get me wrong. I'm not totally on board with that whole rubber

thing, but...

And Jim never lied to us before.

Well, except for that time after he saw my one act.

I knew it, thunk.

You guys don't believe that Jim's been helping Miller? I'll prove it to you.

gonna call his office.

Yeah. Gladden, hi.

This is Miller's secretary.

Yeah, it's Bob.

Listen, Miller was just wondering when he's supposed to get together with Jim

again.

Really. Eight o 'clock tonight at the Anchorman.

Thank you very much.

Will, Will, Will.

Wow, the Anchorman.

Jim's gay bar? Why would they go there?

Take Miller to an out -of -the -way place, coach him where none of us can

him.

Boy, that Jim's a crafty one. Um, not that it matters one way or the other,

when you say Jim's been coaching Miller at a gay bar...

That's not another way of saying they've been doing something that, you know,

the Bible has a very strong opinion about, is it?

Well,

I said it didn't matter.

Now,

where were we?

I guess.

Getting a confidential source to go on record.

Jim, we've been going nonstop on this for hours. Can we please take a break?

A break?

Young man, the news does not take a break. I'll have you know. Oh, no, not

Murrow story again.

never stop broadcasting, even as the V2 rained its fiery terror down on London.

And if he didn't take a break, by God, neither will we, because what are we?

Newsmen. You're darn right.

Now, getting a confidential source. Go on record.

So this is what was so important, Murphy, taking me to a bar?

A bar with a lot of men?

You're taking me to a gay bar?

This is about Fontana, isn't it?

I'll be honest, in a way, I am relieved.

Not knowing that was the part killing me.

Stan Frank's not gay. I brought you here to show you Jim and Miller.

Jim and Miller?

Stan, Murphy, what are you doing here? What are we doing here? I think the

question is, what are you doing here?

Well, isn't it obvious, Murphy? I mean, who are we to judge them? Society hounds

them enough. What do you say we leave them in peace?

Don't you see what's going on here?

Jim has been coaching Miller the whole time. Now, when you say coaching... So

hasn't been Miller at all, and it's been two weeks, so get rid of him.

Well, I don't know, Murphy. I think Miller has changed.

Miller hasn't changed?

Jim has been manipulating Miller like a ventriloquist's dummy.

When the ventriloquist stops moving the dummy's lips, all that's left is the

dummy.

Are you going to take that, Jim? She just called you a ventriloquist.

Point blank today whether you were coaching Miller and you said no.

I'm sorry, Slugger, but I wasn't at liberty to say.

That was the agreement we had when Stan asked me to do this.

The important thing here is that Miller has improved.

This calls for a celebration.

A celebration of keeping your mouth shut.

Excuse me, but I just started paying attention to this conversation.

And I'm hearing some things that concern me.

Jim. Are you saying the only reason that you've been my friend is because Stan

asked you to?

I'm afraid so, Milt. But I just wanted you to experience the same kind of

nurturing relationship with me that I shared with Eric Severi.

So, uh, which one is Eric? And is he the jealous type?

That's why you've been doing this, Jim?

Just because Severide took pity on you when you were starting out, you felt you

had to do the same thing with Miller?

Severide did not take pity on me. He saw a diamond in the rough. He decided to

polish it up a little. The very idea. Eric Severide taking pity on me. Can you

believe that, Stan?

Stan?

Pity is such a strong word.

Stan?

What are you saying?

Well, okay.

Maybe some people early on, maybe they doubted your abilities.

So he was asked to help me?

Asked, told, begged, given to Chrysler. Who remembered?

I see.

Excuse me.

You know, I don't know why you thought I needed his help anyway. Hey, I won a

Humboldt Award, you know.

Sure, I dropped it and broke it, but I'll win another.

Sit down, Miller.

Jim? Please, Murphy.

Not now.

Um, okay. I tell you what, I'm just going to sit here and, uh, if you feel

saying something, fine, and if not, fine.

So, you about ready to say something?

When I first came to this network, I was surrounded by journalistic giants.

And I felt that I could never measure up.

Then one day, Eric Severide walked into my office and told me that he'd seen a

report that he liked.

With that one gesture, I suddenly felt like I belonged.

And we went on from there to forge a relationship that lasted until the day

died.

To think all that had been orchid.

the beginning.

Oh, come on, Jim. Don't do this to yourself.

I can't believe I allowed myself to be duped this way. What a fool.

Maybe your relationship with Severide didn't start out the way you thought,

a man like that wouldn't have wasted all that time on somebody that he didn't

believe in.

Why, I don't. You know I do.

I suppose.

Seasoned professionals.

willing to take a chance on someone, I guess you shouldn't question that.

No, you shouldn't.

I'm following that logic.

If a seasoned professional like myself is willing to take under his wing a

journalist in need of guidance... Oh, no, Jim, I see where you're going with

this. Don't do that. That's not fair. Two weeks ago, I would have agreed with

you that Miller's situation was hopeless, but he's made some progress.

Maybe... He won't ever be great.

Maybe he won't even be good.

But darn it, I'm willing to stake my reputation. That boy has a better than

average shot at adequate... You're not going to believe this. There are people

from the network here.

So is everyone okay?

We're fine, Sam.

Harvey Murphy.

learned something tonight.

Murphy learned that Jim was asked to coach Miller, and Jim learned that

was asked to coach him. And I learned how it feels to be in a room full of men

who are checking out your tushies.

Come on, Miller, let's get out of here. I'll catch up with you later, Stan.

There's this totally hot chick over by the piano. She wants to buy me a drink.

Oh, Miller, I don't think that's a... No, let him go, Jim.

I think Miller's about to learn a little something tonight, too.

Wow. You're really tall for a girl.