Original subtitles

Okay, here's your ticket, and that'll be $100.

Thank you. Hey, guys.

The Winter Museum is having its annual Monte Carlo night this Saturday, and I'm

in a wheelin' dealin' mood. So, how many tickets can I put you high rollers down

for? Um... You know, Merc, this really stinks. You join the museum's

committee just so you can get a couple of bucks off the price of admission, and

we're the ones who get hit up for cash every time we turn around.

Oh, please. They don't give me a couple bucks off.

They let me in for free.

But if you guys don't think it's important for some inner -city kids to

access to the much -needed art program... Oh, my God. Fine, put me

I'm in, too.

Great. So all I have to do now is ask Corky, and I will be all... Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa.

I said I'm in, which, since Corky and I are married, means we're in.

You do remember we're married, don't you?

Oh, yeah, right.

What's that mean?

That it doesn't seem like Corky and I are really married?

Well, no, whatever. So that's two tickets then, not one. Yeah, you're darn

it's two tickets.

Because Corky and I are married.

We're a unit, a team. We think it's one now.

Morning, everyone.

Hey, Corky, get out your lucky dice because we are going to the museum's

Carlo night next Saturday.

Oh, I can't go next Saturday. I already have plans.

You really should have asked me first, Miles.

I'll just take one.

That's fine. What is fine?

What's fine, Miles?

I'm going to ask you something quirky.

Are we married?

Are we staying married? I mean, why don't we do it?

I don't know.

Do you?

No. It's like our marriage doesn't seem real somehow.

I know.

Like when they ask for my marital status on form, sometimes I still check

single. You're still buying those lean cuisine dinners for one.

And you guys still haven't had sex yet. Thank you, Frank.

And on the other hand, I do love being with you.

We do spend every minute together.

And before we were married, I always felt alone.

Now I never feel that way.

Me either.

So, what do you think it would take to get us to feel married?

I've got one idea.

You know, there is something we could do.

What?

Will you stay married to me?

Yes, Maya.

I will.

I will stay married to you.

Hey, everybody.

Looks like there's going to be a wedding.

my dear?

Yep.

Did some stuff I'd never done before.

Corky stuff.

Corky bed stuff.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Uh -huh.

Corky and I... Not another word. I would prefer not to have the image in my mind

of you and Corky and... Oh, blast! There it is!

Tony is tomorrow.

You put yourself through this whole stupid ordeal of dating and getting to

each other, then you can't wait one lousy night to have sex?

Uh -uh. I can dig it.

Oh, God.

It's ten already? Where's Nana Silverberg? The limo should have dropped

half an hour ago. Oh, just relax.

You know airport traffic.

Yeah, but what if the limo was late? Nana hates waiting.

Waiting in Gerald McCraney. I don't know why. He's a fine actor, but she does.

Look, if for any reason the subject of Gerald McCraney comes up, just pretend

you didn't hear her. Walk away.

I just want to thank you again.

I mean, it's one thing to let us hold a wedding at your townhouse tomorrow, but

to let us use it for the rehearsal dinner tonight.

Well, you know me, generous to a fault.

Now, you do understand this is the gift. I mean, as opposed to a plate setting

of that china pattern from what I can only assume is the poor Knox collector.

Yes, Murphy, I understand.

Well, hello.

Oh, well, you must be Nana Silverberg.

What gave it away?

Minority good looks?

Oh, I'm so thrilled Miles has told me all about you. Frank!

Frank, you've been such a good friend to Miles. Jim?

Yes. Jim, you have been a wonderful influence on my grandson, Murphy.

Murphy, how does it feel to make a grown man cry on the phone to his

grandmother?

Of course, without the shaking and the vomiting.

There's someone very special I want you to meet.

Hello.

Corky. Oh, welcome to the family. Oh, well, thank you, Nana Silverbird.

Oh, Miles, she's even more beautiful in person than she is on TV.

Let me take your bags.

Miles, phone for you. It's Mr. Lansing. Oh, that's the head of the network,

Nana. Calling for me.

I'll do it.

Well, Lance Silverberg, this is just great that you came in for the wedding.

Miles' parents going to be here? No, they couldn't make it.

Miles said they were somewhere in the Mediterranean throwing buckets of blood

a French aircraft carrier.

I think they're protesting a nuclear testing program, but I could be wrong.

Well, that's what we call them back home, and they don't change their mind.

There she is!

so proud of Corky, but when you say favorite granddaughter, don't forget

Cookie and Kiki, too.

Oh, quit your yammering, woman.

Oh, sure.

You know what? I am so glad you're all here. Why don't we go take a walk now?

Welcome, Sherwood!

How are you?

Nice to see you.

And this must be Colonel Sherwood. I'm Miles Silverberg, and this is my

grandmother, Nana Silverberg.

It's such an honor to meet you, sir.

Well, son, it's nice to meet you, too.

You like a good joke? I know a real humdinger.

You see, there was this priest and a rabbi and a chinaman and a boss. You

what, granddaddy?

Jim loves good jokes.

Jim, my granddaddy has a humdinger of a joke to tell you. A joke? Explain it to

me.

And you know what, Miles? I have an idea. Why don't you show Nana Silverberg

new editing bank? Why? It's all digital now. She'll love it.

Come on, Corky, I know you had a lot of expectations about your first night

together, but it's because you guys waited a long time. Now, once Miles

down, the whole thing will last a lot longer.

No, you're right. That's not it.

What I was wondering was, if your family didn't know that you were, you know,

married and having a wedding tomorrow, but instead thought they were here for a

personal tour of the White House, how would you go about, you know, clearing

that up?

You still haven't told me yet.

I meant to, Murphy. I really did.

But I just kept putting it off.

You see, the Sherwoods aren't that sophisticated, and, well, my granddaddy

little trouble with people who are different.

Well, that is the most reprehensible thing I've ever heard in my life. Good

sir.

All I'm asking is, can you help keep the two families apart until I can get mine

alone? No.

Please, Murphy, please, please.

Oh, all right.

You know what my problem is? My problem is I'm just too damn nice.

That's what my problem is.

Say, Sherwood, I think you'd be more comfortable at your hotel.

I hear they got free HBO there.

Hey. Wait, who's going?

Oh, back to the hotel. You know, Jet Land. Jet Land? They're from Louisiana.

There's only an hour difference.

Okay, the truth is, Kiki and Cookie are nauseous. No, they're not.

Wait,

wait, wait.

Before you go, what should I call you? I mean, Mr. and Mrs. Sherwood seem so

formal, and, well, Mom and Dad would take some getting used to.

Well, said you would.

Well, you know, man, if Silverberg hasn't seen the Xerox yet, it's right

this way. Would you excuse us? Oh, Murphy, I'm sure it's a lovely machine,

really want to go to the hotel.

You want to go to the hotel? I'll take you. Well, just because she's passing up

the Xerox doesn't mean you should. You've got to see this baby.

There'll be a lot more room on the next trip. Oh, don't be silly, Murphy.

There's plenty of room. Come on, Sherwood.

You never did tell us what brings you here to D .C. What brings me to D .C.?

Well, I'm here for the wedding. Crawdads.

I don't suppose anyone here knows anything about crawdads.

You're my last hope. If you don't cater this wedding tomorrow, my guests will

have nothing to eat and the bride and groom are going to be miserable.

Really? You will?

Oh, well, that is great, and I have to admit the price is right at $50.

What do you mean per person?

Dirt purse.

I say they choose that lifestyle because they like that lifestyle.

I'm the priest.

Corky, the florist just called. He wants to know what kind of flowers you want

to hold when you walk down the driveway.

Corgi, you mean you haven't told them yet? I tried.

On the way to the hotel, at the hotel, after my granddaddy accused the Hispanic

bellboy of stealing as we were leaving the hotel, but I just couldn't do it.

Well, Corgi, you got your family in there with 80 stacking chairs, $900

flowers, and an altar. How long do you think you can keep this from them?

Jeepers, look at all the chairs.

How many people are you expecting for dinner tonight, Murphy?

You know, maybe you can make this last longer than I thought.

Sorry we're late, Murphy. Tom Thurman made me miss our exit.

Now that it's a little unfair to blame him. After all, you were the one

obscenities and ramming his back bumper.

I saw my chance and I took it. Pardon me, but what exactly is your problem

that fine southern senator?

Oh, nothing except for the fact that he's trying to roll back every advance

country has made since Roosevelt.

Roosevelt?

The colonel has some rather strong feelings about that president, but I'm

sure... Put a sock in it, boy.

Senator Thurman is the kind of person this country was built on. Yes, the

redneck part.

And who needs that?

Well, you listen here, Mrs. Silverberg. They may tolerate that kind of sassy

talk at your pinko ACLU meetings, but where I come from, we show respect for

people who work and slave to make this nation great.

Yes, you would know about the slaves, wouldn't you? Oh, no.

I did no such thing.

Colonel, don't touch me, boy.

Now, you take back what you said, you hear me? You take it back. I most

certainly will not. You will so.

Mom and I are married.

What?

He's corky. You choose now to tell them?

They don't know we're married?

Corky. When did all this happen?

four months ago.

What?

Well, now that we're all up to speed, why don't we get started? Now, I say

the Sherwood should sit up. Cookie, honey.

Why didn't you tell them?

I don't know.

I guess I was just afraid they'd have a problem with it. Well, I wasn't sure how

my Nana was going to take it, but I told her, and she doesn't have a problem.

Yes, I do.

You've rushed into this.

She's not right for you.

But remember, it's never too late to admit you've made a mistake.

Excuse me, but if anybody should have a problem with this marriage, it's us

Sherwoods. You know, Corky, it's just like when you were 17, remember? We had

lock you up in your room to keep you from marrying that no -good Langlois

I mean, where would you have been if we hadn't stood in your way squirting out

babies on a shrimp boat that way?

I tell you, that boy was bad news.

from the minute he was hatched. And you know what? I get the same feeling about

this kid.

Excuse me, but it's perfectly clear that Corky married up when she married my

grandson. Your boy marrying my buttercup is nothing short of General Sherman

burning his way south, plundering the riches of Dixie, and bringing him back

the filthy, immigrant -ridden tenements of the North.

What are you saying?

Oh, you know.

No,

I do not know what you're saying. Oh, I think you do, Mrs.

Silverberg. Stop it.

Just stop it.

Now, I realize I should have told you about the marriage sooner.

And I'm sorry I didn't.

But the fact is, I love Miles, and Miles loved me. That's right.

And we are going to get married tomorrow. Married again tomorrow.

Right. Now, you know, looks like all of you... have a little decision to make.

Either you can show up tomorrow at 11 and help us celebrate, or you can just

home. Because whether you like it or not, there is going to be a wedding

tomorrow.

Come on, Miles.

Uh,

is this a bad time to mention that traditionally it's the bride's family

pays for the wedding?

I can't believe what jerks they are.

Total jerk.

Yeah, ask them for a little support.

They disappoint us. Totally disappoint us. You know who was the worst? The

colonel. What a pig head.

Yeah, I guess.

Sometimes, but it's only because he left me.

Yeah. Well,

what about Nana Silverberg?

What about her?

Well, you know, how she tells you she approves of our marriage when she really

doesn't. Yeah, but that's just because she wants me to be happy.

Hey, at least I told my family we were married. You didn't even do that.

Yeah, well, at least now you know why I didn't. Yeah, well, actually, I don't,

Corky. I can't believe you didn't tell them that... Wait.

Honey, look what they've got us doing.

None of this stuff matters.

The only thing that does matter is whether or not we love each other.

And we do love each other.

Right?

Of course we do.

Great. So let's just forget all this other stuff.

Agreed? Agreed.

Really glad we're doing this.

Me too.

Of course, when a family is dead set against a marriage, it doesn't bode well

for the future of the relationship.

What'd you say, hon?

Oh, I said, I think it's a left here. Oh.

Thanks.

Although, rushing into something as important as a marriage is a sure sign

it's the wrong thing to do.

What'd you say?

I said I, um, think I should turn right.

Oh.

or I'd say you were having a wedding here.

So, are you guys okay? You kind of stormed out of here last night.

We're not the ones with the problem, Murphy. Our families are the ones with

problem. Absolutely.

We're happy, we're in love, and we know we're doing the right thing.

What's that, Murphy?

This, the way you see the cake.

This is just nothing.

We better get dressed.

Okay, see you in a few minutes.

Well, look, I know you don't care, but don't be surprised if your families came

to their senses and decided to show up today.

A chokehold wasn't enjoyable for either one of us.

Where have you been, Jim? It's not like I sent you out to get more Mark Gaddafi.

I would have preferred that, Simon.

Oh, no, we are not all in the mafia, and you can put your money where we're not

going to kill anybody for you.

What's she doing here?

Take me back to the hotel.

I still haven't heard an apology.

And I still haven't heard a single intelligent word out of your trailer

mouth. Now, you listen here. You and your grandson stay out there.

Don't make me quiet.

All right, you people listen to me.

This day is too important to Miles and Corky, and I have spent way, way, way

much on frozen wieners for you to ruin it all.

Who are you to judge what is best for Miles and Corky? That girl would have

married a 17 -year -old gap to shrimp her if I hadn't been there. I'm not

finished yet.

Do you honestly say that you were thrilled when Edward here brought Bootsy

No.

That's right, but he went ahead and married her anyway, and look what came

it. Three beautiful granddaughters, isn't that true?

I reckon.

And you, you think you know what's best for your grandson? Well, you remember

the birthday present you gave him last year, that sweater with the ducks on it?

Well, I'll have you know he wore it into the office, and he got laughed at.

That's right, he got laughed at. So isn't it possible you don't always know

what's best for your grandson?

Maybe. All right, so here's the deal.

It's time you people started acting like family.

That means you will choke down all your anger, and you will plaster on the

biggest, fakest smiles you can muster, and you will let these kids do what

them happy. Do I make myself clear?

Murphy, Murphy, can you help me with these cufflinks? I can't... Murphy,

you help me with my... Hello, Miles.

I can't tell you how excited I am about this wedding.

Me too, Corky. This is without a doubt...

Happiest day of my life.

Did you hear that?

I told you they'd come and support you.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes. I think the grandparents were about to share a nice

big fat hug. Come on, don't be shy.

here thinks Corky and me being together is a bad idea.

You know, quite frankly, I'm not sure you're that far off the mark.

What? Well, are you sure you're ready to commit to this?

No, I'm not sure.

Good, that's it. It's over then. Come on, Corky. We're going back to the

very idea of my delicate flower marrying this scrawny pimple. Dad, don't you

start that again. I told you that...

It's too good to marry your granddaughter.

Oh, yeah, that is so like your people. Hey, hey, hey, I'll bang my dress.

Is any of this necessary?

You don't want him back there again. Shut up, boy. I don't need any too big

gangster to fight my battles for.

I want to be with you.

What about your family?

You're my family.

And you know what?

I don't think anyone's ever sure.

Corky.

Do you want to stay my lawfully wedded wife?

To have and to hold as long as we both show up?

I do.

husband to have and to hold as long as we both show up.