Original subtitles

You know, I'd be happy to play another one. How about the heckle -jeckle jive?

Hey, I've got a new idea.

Yo -Yo Ma closed the show yesterday with a sonata. What if we wait and let you

close today's show with your little song? Audience, wouldn't you like Frank

close our show? Huh?

Frank, I guess it's true what they say. You are one horny corn blower.

Whoops, sorry. I mean one corny horn blower.

Now, Tim. Yes? A little bird tells me that you are quite the accomplished

woodworker. Oh, accomplished hardly.

It's probably safer to say I dabble. Oh, I see. So what you're saying is... Oh,

no. A little dabble, do you?

So great having these two fellas on the show, huh?

I just wish... Oh.

What? Never mind.

I just wish what?

Okay, why does Murphy hate me?

Hate you, Murphy?

Yes, I mean, after what she said about me. Oh, you know our Murphy. But in

regard to my woodworking... What was it, darling? What did she pay you back for?

Oh, it was nothing.

really. I'm sorry I brought it up. Well, I'm not.

Jackie, think you can wake up and roll that clip?

Oh, Dick, now you're not going to run that clip, are you? Of course I'm not.

Heck, I'm not. Jackie, let her rip.

You've tried your hand at so many different things over the course of your

Olympic athlete, test pilot, congresswoman.

I mean, we're not going to turn on the TV one day and find you swapping angel

food cake recipes with Dottie Wilcox or anything, are we?

So, why did Murphy say that? What did she mean?

It was a slam.

That's what it was.

Oh, my.

You sounded like a slam -a -lam -a -ding -dong to me.

Audience, what did you think? Did Murphy slam me?

No,

no, no. You see, I agree with Jim. There really wasn't...

How about a little heckle -deckle, John?

Oh, no.

It's all my fault, isn't it, Jim? Great show, really. Nice stuff.

You didn't watch it, did you, Murph? Of course I didn't. You played the heckle

-jeckle -jive, and Jim told that story about the night Eric Severide sat on the

doorstep. I didn't play the heckle -jeckle -jive. I didn't tell my Severide

story.

Oh.

So, I missed your big appearance on the Dinky and Dopey show. So what happened?

You stuffed Aspik in the Gucci? I'm sorry, I missed that. What happened? Oh,

just the usual.

Um, Dottie said how much you hated her guts, and then the audience almost

us. Look what they did to my birdhouse.

She said I hated her? How could I hate her? I don't even know her. Of course, I

don't know that couple in those coffee commercials either, and I hate them.

Well, it appears you know her well enough to have made a crack about her

your interview last week. What crack?

Angel food cake.

Oh, that?

That's what she's all hot and bothered about?

Yes. And that giggling dick is none too happy either.

Hello, FYI.

Lose this sack, Fontana. This is an office, not when you're after our hippie

clubs.

Murphy, just the person I wanted to see. Hi, Sam. What's up?

Dottie thinks you hate her guts.

Oh, geez, not you, too.

All right, let me just say for the record, it was a totally innocent

She's blowing this way out of proportion.

Murphy, I don't think you know how I feel about our highly rated Dick and

show. I'm addicted to it.

Why, just last Thursday, I learned that you can get even the toughest fruit

stains out of your clothes by simply running scalding water through them.

Montana, did you know that?

Even blueberries?

Even blueberries?

And how about that dick?

How does he keep coming up with those witty puns, horny corn blower?

It's the mystery of genius, Stan. And though I am a sucker for that rascal's

nimble wordplay, it's not dick who has millions of housewives glued to their

sets. Dick's a punster, a punster you can replace with a relative.

It's Dottie Murphy.

Dottie is the show.

Uh -huh. So, what you're saying is that you're willing to be dickless, but you

refuse to be Donald.

Don't think I don't know what you just said.

But the point is, I can't have my two top stars feuding publicly.

It's debasing. Well, there's no feud here. Besides, if you want to talk about

debasing, I find these network theme nights like No Bra Thursdays debasing.

Then you're going to hate full frontal Friday.

Murphy, there are four people in our business that you do not feud with.

Carson, Oprah Winfrey, the couch critic Jeff Jarvis. That man is a bottomless

pit of hate.

And above all, the angel of the afternoon, Dottie Wilcox.

So I would appreciate it if you would go and apologize to her.

Apologize? Are you out of your mind?

Is she being this fresh to everyone today, or is it just me?

Mr. Lansing.

Silverberg, do you know about this?

This? I... sure.

What are we going to do about it?

Well, I guess... maybe we could... maybe we could rent something.

Rent?

color should it be?

Green.

Murphy,

you'll meet Dottie tomorrow afternoon for lunch at Phil's and you will make

happy. Forget it, Sam. I'm not sucking up.

Lunch.

Phil's. Happy.

Jeff.

Get together? You really didn't have to do this.

Oh, yeah, I did. I really did.

When was the last time we saw each other?

Gee, I don't know.

It must have been... Have we ever actually seen each other? Oh, you.

Now, it wasn't the Kennedy Center Honors or the opening of the Picasso exhibit.

And something tells me it wasn't Newt Gingrich's pool party.

1993. We met at Ben Bradley's house? Uh -huh. Oh, you looked so beautiful in

that off -white Armani pantsuit and those gorgeous black pumps.

Hey, what ever happened to your neighbor, Mr.

Swenson? I still can't believe he pruned that tree that was so clearly on your

property. But you can't pick your neighbors, huh?

yours.

Oh, Murphy, it's so sweet of you to ask.

It's fine, thank you.

Oh, I know you must think it's silly to be so emotionally involved in a beat -up

old Chrysler, but it's the only thing I have to remember my granny by.

Gee, I hope we can find the table. It's a little crowded, but I'm sure if we

come over... Well, look who's here!

It's always a pleasure to see you, Dottie. Thank you. Oh, hi, Murphy.

I was just telling the syndicated gossip maven Liz Smith and the veteran Daily

Variety columnist Armie Orchard here about how Murphy and Dottie were such

friends. And here we run across the two of you laughing like friends and having

lunch together like friends would have in the way friends do things.

Yeah, what are the odds?

No, they're actually...

Closer than friends. They're like sisters.

Sisters who never fight, but sometimes talk on the air about fighting. I don't

see your pencil moving, Armie.

Would you like to join us? There's plenty of room.

Oh, we wouldn't interrupt.

You pals have to talk. Liz, why don't you take a load off?

Don't order something. It's on me.

I don't know, but it looked like Murphy had something very important to say to

you, so I'll just vamoose.

Okay, enjoy your lunch.

So, Captain Wright, did you have something you wanted to say to me?

Okay, yeah, well, I guess.

I'm all ears.

I just wanted to say that I was... You

know, sort of... Sorry.

I have something for you.

What's this?

A friendship gift from me to you.

Oh.

Wow, it's beautiful.

Do you like it? Do you really like it?

It's beautiful. I don't know why I don't have it. Murphy, I have that thing you

told me to hold for you. You know, the thing that you were going to give to...

Oh, it's gold!

Murphy, that is so sweet.

I just love it.

I'm sorry, but I feel another hug coming on.

They're hugging again. Did you see that? Good.

We have to go. I feel that simple shepherd is going to call me to tell me

happy she is about her new hit show on Sunday night with Christine Baranski.

Say, would you guys like to listen in?

But we didn't eat.

Couldn't we order something?

Murphy. Oh, you were late, so I went ahead and ordered. Phil, can I have some

aluminum foil so I can take this to go?

Okay, but the ambiance is half the experience.

Murphy, I want you to know that I consider the air between us to be

clear. Uh -huh. Yeah, well, now that the air is clear, can you just help me out

with that ketchup there?

And, you know, what happened between us was sort of inevitable, you know? I

mean, two busy, strong -willed...

up against each other the way we do, huh?

Yeah, well, we are busy, and now that we've got all that clean air, well...

Oh, say no more, Murphy. I've oodles of things I need to get done. Not the least

of which is I have to shoot a show.

Oh, Murphy.

Promise me we'll do this again real soon.

Yeah,

we will.

Nick at night.

Hi, Merv.

How'd your lunch with Dottie go?

I felt dirty and alone.

Ah, so you apologized after all. Wise choice.

Humiliating. Went down there, I sucked up, I gave her money.

You gave her money?

Yeah, it's a long story. It's over now. I just don't think there's a whole

stupid thing behind me.

Murphy, I just heard Dottie's talking about you on her show. Well, what do you

know? I guess I made an even bigger impression on her than I thought.

I just don't understand it, Dick.

Why does Murphy have this animosity toward me, and why does she have to

it in such a petty and hurtful way?

What? I don't know, Dottie. Words for once elude me. What the hell are they

talking about?

Oh, gosh. I hope I'm not making more of this than I should.

Excuse me?

You just turn around, young lady, and you show the whole world what that mean

old Murphy Brown did to our little Dottie. No, Dick, really. Oh, yes,

Could you? What?

You see handprints on her back and you automatically assume I did that to her?

Why would you think that?

Because you've done that to me!

Am I wrong or does Murphy have a problem she just can't get past?

I want to be fair about this.

So, audience, let's hear from you. Remember, the number is 1 -900 -555

It's 90 cents a call, so kids, ask Mom before you dial the phone yourself.

All right, that's it.

What are you going to do, Murph? I'm going down there to that thick and

show and give that... All right, we'll call in to the station and see if we can

at least get you up into double digits. I'm with you, old man. Come along for

me. All right, but it's my 90 cents. I'm not going to make any promises how I'm

going to vote.

Don, you were terrific in Cannonball Run. You know what I love best about

movie? What?

Everything.

After you and Mel Brooks did Final Movie, your next film was, um...

The End.

Hello, Earth to Dottie.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know why you just don't stand up right now and leave the set. You are so

here for me, and I am so not here for you. Are you kidding? After what you've

been through?

I mean, I think you're a... Don't you think she's a trooper? Yeah. A trooper!

I'll tell you what. Why don't we do the short commercial, and I will try to get

my acting gear, and then we'll come back, and you'll show us some of your

-minute recipe.

Don't go away, because that would be a dumb thing to do.

Ouch.

Oh, Dottie.

Murphy.

I just knew you would come.

What the hell is your problem?

Do you think I wanted to hug you in the first place? I would never voluntarily

stick my head in that toxic cloud of Chanel No. 5 that follows you around.

So, you're not here to apologize.

Oh, yeah. I'll apologize as soon as you apologize for this crappy little show of

yours and your crappy little sidekick dick a dumb thing to do.

Okay, fine.

I'm glad you expressed yourself.

Now I know the personality I'm dealing with, and...

I certainly know that I did everything I could do.

Goodbye, Murphy.

Yeah, yeah. Out of my way, Bluto.

And we're back. Hey, guys, you'll never guess who just dropped by for a visit.

The Pope?

Elvis? Mother Teresa?

Tell me, please, I've got to know. I'll pay you.

Murphy Brown.

What?

You mean to tell me that that woman had the nerve to show her face here?

Well, did she at least apologize?

No. As a matter of fact, she called the show a word that has a C, an R, two Ps,

and a Y.

Oh, my God.

No, no.

Nobody worry.

I'm going to take my issue, which in this case is my friendship with Murphy

Brown, and I'm going to put it in a little box.

And then I'm going to take that little box.

No. Gosh darn it. I'm not a... quitter. I never have been. We're going to settle

this. Murphy Brown, you get your fanny up here.

Audience, should we get Murphy up here?

Yeah.

Yes. Come on, Murphy.

Come on.

Audience,

how about this? Murphy's agreed to talk with us. Huh?

Oh, Dom, honey, would you speak to him a little bit? Thanks. Murphy?

You two together on the same set, it's a good thing I wore a cup this morning.

I'd like to propose that we end our rivalry right now, this very moment.

you say?

Our rivalry?

There's no rivalry.

No rivalry?

Oh, Murphy, really?

First I have a baby, then you have a baby, then I do the working mother

then you do the working mother thing, then I have my implants taken out, then

you have your implants taken out. Wait a minute.

My implant's taken out. I never had to put in in the first place.

Didn't take them out, didn't put them in. Which is it, Murphy?

Shut up, dick.

So what do you think about this, Dom?

Oh, I thought we were going to cook something.

We will, but this is important.

Well, then, Dolly, I side with you.

You know, I'll tell you why. Because Bert and I, Bert Reynolds and I, had the

same problem.

It really almost ruined our friendship. You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

Isn't that weird?

I bought a big massaging chair.

Bert bought a big massaging chair. I opened a dinner theater in Florida.

Bert opened a dinner theater in Florida.

I got the shingles one time. He didn't. But we talked about it.

And we kept the lines of communication open. And I say, why don't you give it a

chance, Murphy? What have you got to lose?

I mean, we're not rivals. And to say that we are implies that I have even the

slightest idea of who you are and what you do. And you know what? I don't.

Murphy, please.

You invited me out to lunch. You gave me a gift. You asked me about my car.

You did? You didn't tell me that.

Your granny's car?

Woof.

Okay.

Okay. You win. I give up.

I followed your career very closely. We're bitter rivals, and I'm incredibly

jealous of your success. Can I go now?

Oh, dear me.

What a woman, huh?

To admit on national television that her behavior was petty and hateful.

Excuse me?

I didn't say anything about being petty or hateful. I mean, that ketchup thing

was just an accident, and that thing on FYI was just a reference.

I mean, I could have put any name in there. I could have put, you know, Fran

Drescher. Oh, dear.

And I thought we were making progress.

Oh, come on, Dottie. You've never said anything you didn't mean?

No.

I forgot. You're perfect. Dick, you talk a lot.

You've never said something about Dottie that you didn't mean?

I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, sure you do. I mean, let's say

you're having dinner with friends and they ask about Dottie and you say

something that could be interpreted a couple of different ways, something that

if Dottie heard, she wouldn't be too happy about.

I told you, I don't know what you're talking about.

Dick, go ahead and answer Murphy's question.

Yeah, Dick, go ahead.

Well, sure, maybe once I said something not so...

Nice about Dottie.

You did? What did you say?

Oh, nothing, really. It was just... You talked to Don Knotts, didn't you? That

little pup told me I could trust him.

What did you say?

Yeah, Dick, what did you say? Remember what Dom just told you? Always keep the

line of communication... Shut up, Dom.

Look, Dottie, maybe once, a long time ago, I sort of called you the B -word.

Well, well, well.

But, Dottie, please, that was a long, long time ago.

My marriage was on the rocks, and, you know, I was hitting the sauce pretty

back then.

But that does not make it right.

No, no, it doesn't. In fact, I'll bet, Dottie, you're pretty angry with Dick

right now, aren't you? Why don't you share with us? Audience, don't you want

Dottie to share?

I have nothing to share.

Nothing? No, but...

It does make me regret that we didn't go with Omar Sharif as my co -host.

Oh, great. I'm sure everyone would have tuned in to see the Omar and Dottie

show.

I could cook something now. Shut up.

Oh,

I know you've got a lot of words. You've got a mouth that goes like...