Original subtitles

Hello, I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my new secretary.

Irma Keaton, 104 years old and still going strong.

I'm the world's oldest living secretary, you know. Really? Well, isn't that

wonderful? Congratulations.

For what?

I've been a secretary for 83 years.

My last promotion was during the cheap hot dough scandal.

You know, it might be a little late to be hearing this, Irma, but did you ever

think it might be your attitude?

That's what Calvin Coolidge said.

Hello, FYI.

I'm a busy man.

have time to engage in mindless banter. So, Mr. Lansing, what brings you down to

FYI? That's banter, Silverberg.

Last night, Dateline, Katie Couric, was doing this charming story about a family

with quintuplets celebrating their very first Thanksgiving.

I like this Katie Couric. She has great hair.

You know, if I was a woman, I'd think I'd want Katie Couric's kind of hair.

And you'd look lovely, sir.

But Quintuple's Thanksgiving... Miller's doing a Quintuple Thanksgiving story

tonight on Front and Center. That's what I'm trying to tell you, Silverberg. You

think I came all the way down here to discuss Katie Korg's damn hair?

If I had, we would be engaged in... Banter?

Correct! You win a cigar! I'm joking! I'm a funny guy, but I'm serious!

You didn't know about our little story problem, did you, Silverberg? No.

I mean, I usually watch Stateline, but Corky and I got into a discussion last

night about our marriage, and she accused me of using work talk as a

to real communication, and I'm betting this is more than you really wanted to

know.

You and Sherwood married?

I had no idea.

Congratulations.

I should get you a present.

Oh, Mr. Lansing, that's not necessary.

Here's your present. You're not fired.

Now get another story by tonight, or I'm taking my present back.

Look at this. I'm walking away and nobody says goodbye, Stan. Oh, goodbye,

You had your chance, Fontana.

Hi, Stan.

Miller?

Yeah, you're right. Thanks.

Miller, we've got a major crisis on our hands. Dateline just ran your quintuplet

story. Yeah, I know. How was it?

You knew about this?

Sure, I ran into Katie Couric a couple of weeks ago. She told me what she was

working on. And, you know, I thought, hey, that's exactly the kind of story we

should be doing on Front and Center.

You can't do the same story another show did.

Why not? It's quintuplets.

Five babies, two shows.

That's 2 .5 babies per show.

More than enough babies for everybody.

Do you have any idea how wrong that is? Hey, pal, check the math yourself.

Only...

Don't touch that little C button or you have to start all over again.

Miles, you've got to hear the new greeting on Barbara Walters' answering

machine, but don't be surprised if it sounds a little like me telling filthy

-color jokes. I cracked her code.

We're going to have a major emergency.

We can't run Miller's quintuplet story tonight. He stole it from Dateline.

What? You stole a story?

Even after that talk we had about where bad journalists go when they die?

Yeah.

I asked Geraldo about that. He said it's not true.

What you did was totally unethical. We don't have time for this.

We go on the air in eight hours. Now, there has got to be a solution.

Think.

Think.

Hey, wait a second.

What are we doing again?

You have something? No, that was...

I have nothing. Of course I have something. We can do that midnight

story that's been kicking around.

What? That's my story. Hey, that's a great idea.

Of course it is. It's my story.

Midnight basketball?

It's a program to give inner city kids an alternative to drugs and games, but

they're shutting down because they've lost funding.

So? Hey, here's a hundred bucks. Balls for everyone.

Problem solved.

I just don't see a story here.

Miles, you can't just take a story from FYI and give it to front and center. Not

unless I get permission from FYI's executive producer. And what with him

me, I think I can talk myself into it.

Okay, time is short. We're all going to have to pitch in. That is my story. Oh,

I get it.

You're all too busy to help me.

Me, your executive producer, your friend, and in some cases, your husband.

people ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

You get your budgets approved.

Who gets you tickets to all the network sporting events?

Who's secretly been taking ballroom dancing lessons so he won't embarrass

wife at her cousin's cotillion?

You're doing that? Oh, that's so sweet. You're damn right it is. So I don't

think it's too much to ask for a little help just this once.

All right.

Frank?

No.

She's just doing this because it's her show. If I were doing a show with Miller

and I wanted to steal a story from you, you wouldn't help me.

And if the Earth suddenly spun off its axis and crashed into the sun, we'd all

be dead. Get with the program, Frank.

All right, but I am not happy. Okay, okay, we have got a lot to get done by

tonight, but we can do it because we are the best damn group of journalists

there ever was.

Anyone got any lip balm? I'm chapping like crazy here.

With one glaring exception.

Okay, time for the three -minute office.

Corky, I need footage.

Most troubling is that these criminal organizations have apparently been

attempting to smuggle nuclear weapons technology and materials out of the

country and auction them off to the highest bidder. Run it up illegal. Run

illegal. Look, I still need that graphic for midnight basketball. It has to be

dramatic, evoking the crushing sadness of the lost hopes and betrayed dreams of

a neglected generation.

All right, just draw me a basketball.

Almost there. How do you spell benevolence? This is Miller Frank. Spell

-O -D.

When we return, we'll have Miller Redfield's compelling report on the

dismantling of an anti -crime program.

And we're into commercial.

Should we just stay there?

I have the last piece of footage, but I couldn't find any kids playing midnight

basketball. So what do you have? Kids playing street hockey during a solar

eclipse.

It's a sport. It's dark. It's thematic. Go.

Frank, you gotta work in street hockey. Street hockey.

I'm on it.

Okay, here are the interview questions for Miller. I mark what his attitude

should be on each one. See, smiley faces mean happy and frowny faces mean sad.

Good idea. Frank's thinking some smiley and frowny faces.

Faces. I'm on it.

Maya, the only still photo I have of the program director is from 1968 when he

met the Beatles. Frank, love beads and Ringo.

Ringo? I'm on it.

There you are. Did you catch up with Congressman Williams?

Well, not exactly.

But I did find proof that funds from the basketball program are being funneled

into pork barrel projects in his district.

Frank!

Funnel! Pork!

Got it! Good job, everybody!

Change of plans.

I went with the Paisley. It's beautiful. Get out there!

All right, so, uh...

Which prompter am I reading this off of?

Oh, God. The teleprompter!

In five, four, three, two... Welcome back.

With fear of violent crime having reached epidemic proportions, a cry has

out for more police, more prisons, harsher sentences.

Amidst this uproar, there remain a few quiet voices of compassion.

Unfortunately, with the passage of a Republican crime bill last month,

of those voices was silenced.

And much like a solar eclipse cast its shadow over the earth, the politics of

intolerance have cast a shadow over the future of America's children.

I'm Miller Redfield for Front and Center.

Good night.

this tie and say that.

This was exhilarating. I thought those amateurs at Dateline couldn't put a

together with his fans.

You know what I was just thinking? Wouldn't it be hilarious if after all

hard work we did, Miller got a Humboldt nomination for this?

That'd be hysterical. Of course, if he does, I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna kill him.

Is this a great night or what?

Hey, you know, you may find this hard to believe.

I've been in this business for 12 years, and I have never, ever been nominated

for an award.

Fine bottles.

Oh,

wow, there's Walter Cronkite.

Hey, you know, rumor has it he lets people rub his tummy for luck.

I'm gonna go say hi.

This is unbelievable.

We do all the work, and he gets all the credit.

Like making passionate love to a woman and have her scream out someone else's

name.

Guy, talk. You hear things.

You know, I really feel sorry for that guy.

Sorry? For Miller?

No, for that old waiter who Miller thinks is Walter Cronkite.

Look, we're all upset, but I know for a fact... that Miller is not going to win.

Why, you have some kind of inside information?

I just believe in God.

And I refuse to believe that God would let someone as undeserving as Miller

Redfield win a Humboldt.

Interesting. So, God sits on the sidelines while the Ebola virus rages

Zaire, but when it comes to the fate of a stupid glass statuette, suddenly he

springs into action.

What?

For a veteran newsman, Cronkite isn't quite the expert you might think.

Attention, please. It's time to continue with the awards presentation.

Our next award is for Individual Achievement in Reporting.

Oh, wow, that's my category. Everybody, wish me luck.

That's my story.

And the nominees are Dan Rather, Aftermath in Oklahoma City.

Ed Bradley for Canada, A Nation Divided.

Miller Redfield.

The Sun Sets on Midnight Basketball.

And Katie Couric, A Quintuplet Thanksgiving.

And the winner is... Not Miller, not Miller, not Miller. Miller Redfield.

I can't believe

it. You know, I was talking to Walter Cronkite earlier.

And he said something I will never forget.

I asked him if he had any advice for me on this special evening, and he said, in

that Italian accent of his, I recommend the chicken.

Anyway, you know you don't win an award like this by yourself, no?

No, it takes a little something called teamwork.

So I'd like to take a moment to thank all the people who helped me win this

award.

Steve, my hair guy.

Dude. Chloe, my fashion coordinator.

My makeup lady.

Murphy.

Murphy, what's the name of my makeup lady?

Man, look at him. It's not fair.

I can't believe you didn't thank us after all the hard work we did. It's

like Christmas.

When all the skinny, overworked elves kill themselves to make all the toys,

who's the big old tub of lard who gets cookies everywhere he goes? Mr. Ho -ho

-ho, then.

Come on, elves. That toy's going down. I'm with you.

Now, just hold it right there.

This is the Humboldt Awards, journalism's finest hour.

It's not about getting credit.

It's about honoring excellence in a craft to which we have devoted our

Jim's right.

Besides, you think people aren't going to know the truth? I mean, let's face

it doesn't take a genius to figure out that that story couldn't possibly have

been done by Miller Redfield. How about that, Miller Redfield?

Holy mackerel, who thought he would have talent like that? All of you can learn

a thing or two from that boy.

Anybody who could come up with a Humboldt award -winning story on such

notice deserves a big raise and maybe a shot at the evening news.

What's the matter, Fontana? You sound like you're leaking something.

What would you say if I told you that Miller had no responsibility for that

story, that we did all the work and Frank wrote the copy and Miller did

I'd say bull the dash.

I saw that story. Miller had such passion, such flair.

Fontana, give me another word for passion.

Uh, verve?

Verve! What the hell kind of word is verve?

Makes my teeth vibrate.

You expect me to believe Fontana wrote that story? I say, ball the dash.

Excuse me. Katie, what was the name of that shampoo you mentioned?

No one in their right mind would believe Miller was responsible for that story.

You can't count Lansing. He wanted the spiced -up murder she wrote by giving

Angela Lansbury a talking car.

Besides, trust me, anyone who works in journalism will know the truth.

Hello, everybody.

How are you?

Boy, were all of you as surprised by Miller as I was?

Tell me about it. I never knew he had that kind of talent.

By the way, has anyone noticed what a smut mouth that Barbara Walters has

become?

So I was wrong. I'm going over there right now, and I'm going to make Miller

admit he had nothing to do with that story. The least he could do is say

you. Hey, if we do it right, the most he'll be able to say is thank you. No,

no.

For goodness' gratitude, if it's not heartfelt. We all know what we did, even

no one else does, and it's good enough for me.

It's true. I mean, we didn't become journalists just so we could win awards.

Look, the basketball story got done, and it was great. Who cares if nobody knows

it was us?

Exactly. We all know the truth. We'll always know it, and we can take that to

our grave.

where it will die with us, never to be known by another living soul.

Well, to hell with it. Let's go bring a thank you out of that little bastard

Nick.

Hey, guys.

You know, I feel terrible.

I mean, I have been incredibly selfish. I've been over here answering all these

questions about me and my story. And, I don't know, I thought, hey, maybe you

guys might like to answer some questions about me and my story.

Come on, Murphy, you go first.

With pleasure.

Murphy, we'd like to get your reaction to Miller winning the Humboldt.

Oh, I think I can come up with a little something.

Great. As someone who's won countless Humboldts, you've come to embody the

and dignity of this award.

How do you feel about being a role model for a whole new generation of award

-winning journalists like Miller Redfield?

A role model?

Well, I'd just like to say that...

I'm delighted with the excellence rewarded.

Excuse me.

But, Jim, she had a golden opportunity to blow the whistle on Miller, and she

just stood there with that resigned expression on her face.

She looked just like my Uncle Cletus right before he got hit by a cigarette

boat.

If I know our Murphy, she's just biding her time, waiting for the perfect moment

to give Miller his due. I don't know. You know, I'm really worried about her.

This morning, I checked Miller's office.

No fire ants, no bear traps, and from the way he's walking, there is not even

one drop of liquid heat in his underwear.

Oh, hello, slugger. Well,

now, look... This, a magazine with Newt Gingrich on the cover, just waiting to

be defaced. And what have we here? Black marking pens located conveniently

nearby?

Sorry, I'm just not in the mood.

Well, for Pete's sake, this has gone on long enough.

Isn't it about time you stopped moping around and got back at Miller?

Really, Murphy?

He's been strutting around here all week like the cock of the walk.

I mean, the same thing here as it does in Louisiana, right?

I still don't know why you didn't expose him when you had the chance.

Well, I wanted to. I really did. But then he stuck that microphone in my

and I realized it wouldn't change anything, and I'd just come off as

small and petty.

Since when has that ever stopped you?

Besides, you had a week. Surely you could have exacted some immature revenge

now. We looked you for that.

What's the point? Miller won the Humboldt, and no amount of poisonous

electrified toilet seats is going to change that.

So what are we supposed to do then, Murphy?

I don't know. Forget about it, I guess.

Maybe the universe will dispense some kind of justice eventually.

Oh, no. I'm not falling for that old song and dance again.

Oh, Murphy.

I've got an idea for tonight's show.

Yes, Miller. Well, I think that you should refer to me as Humboldt Award

-winning journalist Miller Redfield.

Oh, and I talked to the credit guy, and we agreed that the most recent Humboldt

winner's name should come first.

And that would be me.

See you down there.

Wait, Miller.

Did it ever occur to you that just maybe, you didn't do this story all by

yourself, that just maybe you had a little bit of help?

Wow.

Are you saying that maybe I should have shared some of the credit on this story?

Yeah, Miller, that's what I'm saying.

Boy, you don't get nominated for one year and this is what happens.

How do you live with yourself?

20 seconds to air, ladies and people.

Have a good show, Miller. You too, Murphy.

Whoa. What?

Your breath.

Are you really going to go on television in front of millions of viewers with

your breath smelling like an old fishing boat?

Yikes. Here, have a mint.

Oh, thank you.

Whoa.

Minty.

In five, four, three, two.

Good evening.

Live from Washington, D .C., I'm Murphy Brown, and you are Front and Center.

Tonight, we take you from the world of international athletic competition to a

testing ground for the latest battlefield attire.

But before we begin, I'd like to extend congratulations to my colleague, Miller

Redfield, on winning his first Humboldt Award.

Thank you very much.

Mind I say, it's part of an honor.

That was weird.

Wait, did you see that?

Oh, that blue stuff coming out of your mouth? Not really. Here, have some

Oh, thank you.

I have to tell you, nothing like that has ever happened to me before.

Boy, this one is really fun.

I'm sorry, Miller, I didn't quite catch that.

My fuck is numb.

And we're coming out of commercial?

No, no, no, we can't come out of commercial. My fuck is numb.

Welcome back. In a moment, you'll meet world kickboxing champion Jerry O

an inspiring young man who took up martial arts in response to ridicule

his childhood speech impediment.

Speech impediment?

Oh, no.

I thought I didn't get up on you.

The story begins in a small town outside of Akron, Ohio.

Tape is rolling and we're clear.

Good thing the Humboldt Committee wasn't watching tonight.

I can't get up.

I'm stuck and my tongue is numb.

What was that? Were you expressing your sincere and heartfelt gratitude on all

the help we gave you on your Humboldt winning story?

No.

My underwear really started to burn.

It's a

nice

thought, Miller, but it's a little late.

Mommy, what do you do tomorrow?

It's no humble, but it'll do. Well, what took you so long?

I was waiting for the universe to defend some justice, but sometimes the

universe is just too damn slow.

I'm going to get you for this movie, Brown.

This is not over.

The effects of putting Nair in someone's styling gel, however, only take a few

minutes.