Original subtitles

I'm Murphy Brown and you must have forgotten part of your

morning routine.

No. I don't think so.

Anyway, I'm Cal, your new secretary. What can I do for you?

Well, for starters, would you file this in Lapland for me?

I see you're put off by my nudity.

Well, just give it some time. Before you know it, you won't even notice I'm

naked. What? I'll just think you're wearing a really badly pressed beige

Look at this. What the hell do you think you're doing?

I am a nudist, Ms. Brown.

I don't share society's pathological fear of the unclothed human form.

I like my body. I like myself.

And I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Okay, fine, whatever.

Oh, by the way, you got a little cream cheese on your tin up here.

Oh, my God, I do.

I can't believe I left the house like this. Don't look at me.

It's bad enough that you fire them, Slugger. Do you have to take the clothes

their back, too?

Oh, Harvey, I could really use your help on this piece. Do you have them in it?

Well, no. Actually, my agent's coming right up. I have to fire him. But after

that, I'm free. You're firing your agent? I have no choice. I ask for

they don't get done.

I call him. It takes him two days to get back to me.

Yesterday, I had lunch with Tom Brokaw. He told me that in one week, his agent

got him a PBS documentary, a book deal, and the right not to cover a Ross Perot

convention, should there ever be one.

An agent doesn't do stuff like that for me.

Oh, sure, Murphy. God forbid you focus all your energy on this show. The show

that made you. The show that pays you six times as much as I make.

Six times? I thought it was eight times. You see why I need a new agent?

Fine. Okay, so what's your game plan?

My what? Your game plan, Murphy. You are going up against an agent.

Conventional weapons are useless against them.

Frank's right, Murphy.

Every time I tried to get rid of my first agent, he'd beg and plead and cry,

I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

But then he got hit by a panel truck, and that was that.

But I don't think you should count on that happening to your guy, Murphy.

Well, I'd like to contribute to this great fest, but I can't. I have been

Jack Stanfield for 25 years, and I'm proud to call him my agent.

Why, do you know we've had breakfast every Thursday morning since the day I

signed with him?

Oh. Sure, Jack probably should have gone straight to the hospital that morning

with the kidney stone, but he hung in there eating his breakfast and screaming

in agony until the check came.

Because that's just the kind of man he is.

Listen, thank you for your advice, but I've got everything under control. Okay,

but remember, if he backs you into a corner, all you have to say is, I just

a change.

I just need a change?

Yeah, there is nothing he can say to counter that. You see, like if he says,

no, no, but you can't fire me. I'm just ready to close this big deal for you.

You say?

I just need a change. I just need a change. Oh, yeah, right, Frank. I'm

be sure to use that. Listen, I've hinted around a lot. Steve knows this is

coming. Hi, Murphy.

Oh, Steve, hi.

I think you know everybody.

Yeah. Hi, everybody.

Murphy, do you mind if we step into your office? I'd like to get this over with

as fast as possible if we could. Oh, sure.

Thank you.

Murphy, you, save your breath. It's mea culpa time.

Look, I want you to know I don't blame you for feeling the way you do about me.

Well, you're really making this easy for me.

Well, you know, there's no reason this has to be any more painful than it

already is.

So, here.

What are these? I know, I know. You wanted sideline seats. These are luxury

boxes. That's why it took so long.

No, no, no. Stephen Murphy Brown asked for Redskin tickets. You're supposed to

deliver them on time and of story.

Ooh, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Uj, I got to run. I got a screening. Give me a little ring -a -ding -ding if

there's anything I can doodly -do.

Well, actually, here's one thing.

Well, Murphy, if you want to thank me for the tickets, it's really not

necessary. They come from a place called love.

Listen, Steve, this is a little awkward, but, uh...

I'm going to be looking for a new agent.

Oh, yeah, right.

I'm fired.

Oh, no, how am I going to pay for my new house?

How am I going to pay for my new Mercedes?

Oh, Murphy,

you're a stitch. You know what you are?

You're a pistol.

No, Steve, really, I'm firing you.

Oh, my God, how can you do this to me? How am I going to pay for my new house?

How am I going to pay for my new Mercedes?

You don't return my calls, you don't keep me informed, and you don't...

Right. No, I know. So now that I know that, let's just move on from here.

No. But why?

Why?

Why? Why?

Because I just need a change.

A change?

Yeah.

Okay, fine. I understand. Great.

I'll change.

No, no, you don't understand.

No, no, I do understand. You need to change, so I'll change. I'll become

the kind of agent you want me to be. You know what I'll do? I'll start working

for you. Let me use your phone right now.

I'm firing you. It's nothing personal.

Nothing personal?

How can you say that to me?

My God, woman, I was there in the delivery room by your side while your

being born.

No, you weren't. No, I wasn't. I wasn't. I respect your privacy too much. That's

why... All right, look, Murphy, I wasn't going to say this, but I guess I got

to.

I just found out that my wife's having an affair.

Oh, please.

I know, I know. I never would have believed it of Brittany either, but it's

true, and it hurts.

It hurts me a lot, Murphy.

And it was with the pool guy.

No, right, cliche, right? But that's evidently how cliches happen, because in

real life, things happen, and then they... Steve, you don't have a pool. I

have a pool. I don't have the space for a pool.

But right there, that is the exact kind of bluffing I use when I'm negotiating

for you. And believe me, Murphy, believe me, you don't, uh -uh, want to lose

that.

No, uh -huh, I do. I really do.

Because I just need a change.

I just need a change.

I just need a change. Well, fine, so do I, okay? Because you know something,

baby? You got no talent, okay?

You're nothing without me. I made you. Look, look at these magazine covers. I

got you these. These are mine.

Mine. Mine.

Mine.

And these are for clients only, missy.

So, how did it go with Steve?

I just need a change.

Ah, there you are. Well, Steve just dropped by with another delivery.

Oh, geez, not again.

I don't understand.

Does he really think he can win you back with presents? I mean, today it's

muffins, yesterday it was a basket of brownies, Monday it was a gigantic Toll

House cookie.

Gigantic Toll House cookie? I don't remember getting a gigantic Toll House

cookie. You swore to us that you were just carrying that cookie down to

car, and we believed you.

Well, guys, I hate to break it to you, but snack time is over. As of today, I

the proud new client of Jack Stanfield.

You signed with my agent?

Well, yeah. The way you were raving about him, I decided to check him out,

you were right. Everything about him is better than Steve.

Although, considering Steve's car has an I .M. sexual license plate, that's not

hard to do.

Well, how about that, Jim? You and Murphy have the same agent now.

Yes, that's...

Splendid, really.

Really, really.

That's splendid.

You know what's great? Jack's already making a difference. He looked at my

contract and said I should be getting a lot more money. In fact, he said they

should be coughing up so much money that if a bunch of network wonks don't get

fired, he didn't do his job.

On behalf of all network wonks, may I just say, yippee.

And another thing, Jack thinks I should have a higher title. How does senior

anchor sound?

It sounds...

Like my title.

Yeah. Well, there's still a few kinks to be worked out, but that's just for

starters. Come on, you guys. Come get a load of this. Come on. Come on. Get a

load of this.

What is it, Murphy?

Jack got me an automatic door. It opens and closes just like that.

Wow. Think of all the man hours you'll save.

All right, now this time everybody outside. Go on, go, go. This will be

Okay, so what else does he do? Nothing. I just got to make some calls.

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I've always felt half the fun

having a door was the knob.

Firm, cool, roundness in your hand.

A satisfying click as it yielded when you turned it.

But I suppose that's progress for you.

Hey there, Murphy.

Hiya, Phil. I'm meeting somebody here for work. Wait, wait, wait.

I bet I can tell you who. You're not ready yet, son. No, no, no, it's okay.

I'm working on this whole inside information thing that Pop's so good at.

Okay, check this out.

You fired your old agent.

You hired a new agent. You're meeting him here this morning to talk about a

business opportunity that just came up.

Wow, that is very impressive. You better keep an eye on this guy, Bill. He's

going to give you a run for your money.

It's real nice of you to say, Ms. Chung.

Do me a little favor. Say hi to Mr. Povich, will you? He's great.

I wish I could say the cow kicked in my head as a kid, but Phyllis won't let me

anymore.

Sorry I'm late.

Kathleen Sullivan called me in a cold sweat from a pie shop, and she needed

someone to talk her down.

It's okay, Jack. I understand I'm not your only client.

As long as I treat you that way.

Exactly. I've got to freshen up, and then you will have my undivided

I'll take a three -egg omelet, a double side of sausage, and an English muffin,

heavy on the butter.

Hey there, Jim.

Jim?

Oh, hello, slugger.

Everything okay?

Well, I suppose.

It's just that for the first time since I've known him,

Jack Stanfield stood me up for our regular Thursday morning breakfast. Can

imagine? Isn't your breakfast with Jack every other Thursday?

Oh, no. I assure you, it's every Thursday. And it's always the same with

Same time, same corner booth, same breakfast.

Three -egg omelet, double side of sausage, and an English muffin heavy on

butt.

No, isn't that funny? That looks just like the breakfast Jack always orders.

And that looks just like Jack's trench coat.

That looks just like Jack. Jim!

Oh.

Oh, I see. Murphy and I needed to talk. Didn't you get my message? No.

No, I didn't.

Well, no harm, no foul, as they always say. Oh, listen to me going on and on

when you two have important matters to discuss. Oh, wait, Jim. Why don't you

just stay and have breakfast with us? Yes, yes, yes.

Let me tell you, this one's a real dynamo, Jim.

She's actually got me working for a living.

Almost makes me feel like I'm stealing your money.

All right, Jack, now let's talk turkey. What have you got lined up for me? And I

don't mean maybe.

The McLaughlin Group.

This week, you're booked.

Did you hear that, Jim? The McLaughlin Group. The McLaughlin Group, you say?

This week? I thought I was doing the McLaughlin Group this week.

Oh, you are, but they needed a last -minute replacement, so naturally I

of Murphy.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait.

McLaughlin tapes on Friday. I've got editing on Friday. Oh, my, too bad.

some other time. Oh, no, wait. Let me schedule that. Never mind. I'm fine.

Super. And I won't have to be the only representative from FYI. Boy, won't that

be fun.

Hey, what do you say we carpool?

Splendid. Who needs all that silence and time for quiet reflection? Not me. I'll

bring my James Brown tapes.

All right, now, Jack, let's talk.

I have it on good authority that Katie Couric gets to keep all the food they

make on the Today Show. How come I don't have that in my view? And another

thing, I heard that Barbara Walters gets to be with the company jet.

I... You see, Jim, I told you we'd get here on time if you let me take the

wheel. Yes, I just didn't realize you were going to take it while we were

hurtling down the beltway.

Miles Barron has never gone over 55 before.

Come to think of it, he's never gone over a median strip before either.

I wanted to beat the train, besides... Well,

I suppose we should find our seats.

Oh, excuse me. Sorry.

Do you want to sit here, Jim?

Well, I do sit here occasionally.

Oh, well, where do you sit the rest of the time?

Here.

Okay, Jim, well, then it's your chair. I'll just... I'll sit somewhere else.

come on, Murphy. It's just a chair. It belongs to no one. Please, sit.

Okay.

Murphy Brown?

John McLaughlin?

Jim Dial?

I think you know everyone.

Eleanor Clift? Fred Bond?

Hello.

Jim's chair.

Okay, we're about to go.

Jim, you know the drill.

Murphy, relax, have fun, and don't be afraid to be aggressive.

Aggressive, that's a little bit of a stretch for me, but I might be able to

it off.

From the nation's capital, the McLaughlin Group.

An unrehearsed program presenting inside opinions and forecasts on major issues

of the day.

Here's the host, John McLaughlin.

Issue one.

Will you still love me when I'm 74?

At 72, is Bob Dole too old to be president?

Freddie the Beetle Bond.

John, as far as I know, there's a minimum age requirement for the

but not a maximum one.

Well stated, Fred.

What do you think, Jim? Don't touch that dial.

I believe a man should be measured by the passion of his ideas, not the number

of candles on his birthday cake.

Age is no barometer of a person's abilities.

Why, George Abbott was directing Broadway musicals when he was 101.

Oh, come on, Jim. I think there's a little more at stake staring down a

dictator than, say, getting the male chorus of Oklahoma to act more like real

cowboys.

That's not exactly what I said.

Wrong. You said it. Murphy called it.

Issue two.

Three is the loneliest number.

The California three -strike sentencing law.

Should it be adopted nationwide? Eleanor Cliff.

No, each crime should be judged separately based on its severity.

Jim Dodd. Well, I think more studies should be done to see if it's a fair and

effective deterrent. Wrong.

Murphy, I'm the only one that gets to use wrong.

It's just that it's been proven that the three strikes law needlessly clogs the

courts. Issue three. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddle masses, not

immigration.

In light of rising numbers of illegal immigrants, should the federal

put further limits on legal immigration?

Freddie Bonds.

Absolutely. The social security system is buckling under the weight of our

population as it is. What are you saying, Fred, that we should just

automatically shut the door on anyone who wants to enjoy the same freedoms as

do? If anybody knows about automatically shutting the door, Murphy, it's you.

What's that supposed to mean, Jim? Oh, I think you know.

Issue four.

Why is size so important?

American companies are slashing jobs to increase profitability at a record rate.

Is corporate downsizing good or bad in the long run? Eleanor Clift.

I say slash the bloated salaries of the CEOs and use the money to put more

Americans back to work.

Murphy Brown, your thoughts? I agree with Eleanor. If we take the salaries...

Oh, sure. Take, take, take. That's your answer to everything, isn't it? What?

Take salaries from CEOs.

Take profits from the shareholders.

Take someone's chair. Take someone's agent. What's the difference to you?

Oh, I see what you're getting at, Jim. But you're wrong. This isn't about

taking. This is about sharing.

Exactly. Oh, that's such rubbish. Jim makes a very good point.

Although I'm not so sure about that agent point.

Well, I... I am sure, and I have been for the past 25 years. But is that taken

into consideration?

Oh, not for a nanosecond.

Of course it was taken into consideration, although how a breakfast

that important to anyone. Issue five, what in blazes are Jim and Murphy

about?

We'll try to clear that up right after this commercial break.

Okay, Jim, what the hell was that all about?

I don't know what you mean, Murphy. I was just engaging in a roundtable

discussion of the issues of the day.

With my going with Jack, you had plenty of time to tell me. I did tell you.

When? Well, not in so many words, but my body language couldn't have been

clearer. Oh, give me a break. I can't be expected to pick up on your every

twitch and grimace. Wrong.

Body language is an effective means of communication.

Although it often is ambiguous and subject to many different

you have something to say...

Why not just say it? Eleanor, don't be ridiculous. If people said what they

truly thought, civilized society would cease to function.

Fred, that is so knee -jerk. Would you guys knock it off? We're in commercial.

One thing is perfectly clear.

This situation can't continue.

Jack is simply going to have to choose which one of us he wants as a client.

That's fine with me. And as far as picking up on body language, Jim, see if

can pick up on this old favorite.

And we're back.

Issue 6.

Yes, sir. That's my baby.

Middle East people are the sides too far apart ever to come together.

Come in.

Oh, it's you.

Yes.

I want to congratulate you. On what?

Well, I haven't heard from Jack, so I assume he chose you.

Well, I haven't heard from him either, so...

I figured he chose you.

Oh. Well, then, good day.

Jim, wait. Don't.

I still got this automatic thing. I can do it myself.

Hold on, Jim.

If you were that upset about my going with Jack, why the hell didn't you say

something? Well, I can't do that.

I'm not a confrontational person. It's just not the dial way.

You think that's healthy?

Of course not.

three days shy of his 50th birthday of hypertension and was buried in a coffin

foot too short because my mother didn't want to make a scene at the funeral

home.

Well, Jim, if you don't speak up, how is anybody supposed to know what you're

thinking? You're my friend. You're just supposed to know.

You're also supposed to know when you're invading areas of my life where you may

not be welcome, grabbing everything in sight like some demented winner of a

supermarket shopping spree. Oh, come on. I'm not that bad.

Baby pigs suckling at their mother's teeth to show more restraint.

You've known me for 20 years, and you're just realizing that now?

Oh, and you've known me for the same amount of time, and you're just finding

that I... Have trouble expressing your feelings?

Your words, not mine.

Baby pigs?

I'm sorry. I wanted to hurt you.

Jim, you know, I can't fight with you. It's just not fun like it is with other

people.

Hasn't exactly been a rootin' tootin' good time for me, either.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

In the future, I promise to try to be not so grabby and aggressive.

If I give you my word, I'll try to be better about expressing my feelings and

speaking my mind.

This isn't gonna work at all, is it? Not a chance.

Maybe it'll be okay. I mean, we've known each other for 20 years, and it's only

happened once.

Actually, twice in 20 years. If you count the time you accompanied Doris and

on our romantic weekend getaway to the Poconos.

Yeah, now that I think about it, you did make a face when they wheeled my cot

into your room.

Murphy, I've got a message here from Jack Stanfield. Oh, Jimmy.

Oops, I mean, for me.

Oh, no.

Come on away. I almost forgot.

Well, I'm sure he picked you.

Why not? You're the hot new client, after all.

He picked you, Jim.

Jack?

Congratulations. I think you made the best choice.

Well, I'm shocked.

I would have wagered anything that... Oh, wait a minute. He picked you, didn't

he? You're just saying he picked me so my feelings won't be hurt.

I didn't lie to him. Why would I lie? No, sir, he picked you, yes, indeed.

Boy, and I'm supposed to be the grabby one.

What do you know? He really did pick me.

Yeah, yeah. He couldn't have at least let me pretend to be noble?

Jack picked me, not you.

Me, me, me, me, me.

You know, Jim, certain emotions are better kept to yourself.

Hello, Murphy.

Steve, what are you doing here? You know it's over between us.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. You think I'm here because of you.

Wow.

Somebody grab the ropes on that ego.

No, Murphy, I'm here for a big network meeting. A very big, big network

Is that true?

No, absolutely not. Not a word.

That's the kind of bluffing that you're missing.

So what do you say? Are Murphy, Bea, and Steve Arino back in business?

Huh? Murphy? Murphy! Ow!

Murphy, I'm unemployed.

I have no health insurance.

I'm living in my car.