Original subtitles

I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my new secretary.

I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my new secretary.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Do you have a problem? A problem?

I have a Ph .D. in molecular biology, and I'm stuck behind a secretary's desk,

and you ask me if I have a problem.

Sorry. I promised I wouldn't bring my frustrations to work.

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, do you think you could file this for me?

File this for me?

Good morning, Miss Brown.

Andrew, what are you doing here?

I'm waiting to talk to you. I hope you don't mind. Mind? Um, well, actually,

Andrew, I do. It's nothing personal. It's just that bad things seem to happen

when you're around.

Was it fish all we did?

Hello, Miles.

Oh, Andrew.

So, what brings our Vice President of Current Affairs down to FYI?

On a Monday morning.

With no prior notice.

I realized I've been so busy with my other duties here, I've been neglecting

you. Neglecting?

No.

FYI, he's like a cactus.

Sit us on a shelf and forget about us. Come back months later, we're still

there, healthy as ever. In fact, get too close, we'll prick you.

Actually, I had an idea for a story. Just an inkling. The merest whisper of

inkling. But it was calling your name.

Miss Brow.

Miss Brow.

Gee, Andrew, I'd like to help you with your inkling, but right now I'm hot on

the trail of a vague notion.

I understand your reluctance, Miss Brown, and you are under no pressure to

my idea. In fact, you should feel free to say no. Free? Hell, I'm eager.

How would you feel about doing a profile on the CEO of Palomino Software,

Richard Cooper?

Are you sure? I really think this could be the kind of show everyone would like

to see. It's the kind of show everyone has seen. There isn't a new show on

television that hasn't done a profile on him. And they're all the same.

Cooper's a fantastic guy with a fantastic company who's fantastic to

mean, even the local Spanish station called him El Gringo Fantástico.

Well, what if he's not so fantastic?

What if he's done something scandalous?

What if he's... divorced?

So what? Half the people in this country are divorced. I'm divorced.

You are?

I didn't know that.

Look, Andrew, I appreciate your interest, but my instincts tell me

story here.

I hate to disagree with you, Miss Brown, but my instincts tell me there is. Just

a funny feeling I have in my gut.

Gee, my instincts are based on two decades of award -winning journalism,

your instincts could be cured with some antacids and a hearty belt.

What do you think, Miles?

Me?

Well, a profile on Cooper could be interesting. Interesting? But if Murphy

doesn't want to do the story, then we won't do it because journalists decide

themselves what stories they want to do. Really? I didn't know that.

Yes, it's one of journalism's most time -honored traditions, right, Murphy? Oh,

absolutely. Dates back to the 12th century when wandering news minstrels

sing about current events in exchange for a leg of mutton.

As I said, it was merely an idea. I'm just grateful the two of you took the

to listen to my humble thoughts.

Good day.

Don't be drinking alone at the I Believe in News Minstrels Club.

What is he thinking?

A profile on Richard Cooper.

A profile on Richard Cooper. Huh.

Thanks, Andrew. I'll look into that.

Now, hold on, Frank. You can't do a Cooper story. I need you on that

weapons piece.

But, Miles, didn't you just say journalists should decide for themselves

stories they want to do?

How else will Frank earn his money?

Well, I'm not sure those are the exact words.

were the exact words.

Good. Then it's settled.

Although, all this reporters deciding for themselves what stories they want to

do does make me wonder why we need an executive producer at all.

Frank,

are you out of your mind? A profile on Richard Cooper? There's no story there.

know that. But Andrew has always hated me. And this is the way to get on his

good side. See, I'll act like I'm really working on the story. Then I'll tell

him I couldn't find anything. He'll be flattered. I even tried. In a few days,

the whole thing will just disappear.

Well, if you ask me, Andrew shouldn't be meddling in FYI. He should just stick

to what he does best.

Lurking in the shadows, writing in pig's blood, and reciting the Lord's Prayer

backwards.

You guys will laugh. I know what I'm doing.

Hey, hold that elevator.

Hey. What floor do you want? Could you press three, please?

Did you press three, please? How about nine?

I mean, I might just press them all, huh?

Hello, FYI.

Oh, gee, Frank, it's your little partner, Andrew.

Hey, Frankie, how's it going, buddy?

I just checked in to see how our story was going.

Oh, yeah, that Cooper piece. How is that going, Frank?

Oh, well, you know... Andrew, I have done a lot of digging over the last

mean, I made calls.

I looked in lots of books.

I even contacted all the sources in my elaborate network of underground

informants. Really, Frank? All of them? Even Squinty, the one -eyed madman who

lives in the sewers of London?

Yes, Murph. Even Squinty.

The point is, there is just no dirt out there on Richard Cooper.

Oh, gee, that's too bad.

Well, of course you didn't find anything, Frank. Cooper's a great guy.

His company put out this adorable children's video game. I played it with

nephew. Cuddly Bunny Goes to Joyland.

So you hop around sharing carrots with all your little squirrel friends. Then

level six, they give you a flamethrower you can use to torch some old people.

But they deserve it, because they don't know how to share.

Well, I am so sorry, Andrew. I just wish there was something more that I could

do. Really, Frank? Do you really? Oh, yes, yes, but what?

I did a little research of my own. Would you mind taking a look -see?

Oh, um, sure.

It's probably nothing.

I really appreciate this, Frank. I'll expect a full report by 10 a .m.

Oh, Andrew, I was just thinking about...

Thanks, pal.

Look at all this stuff.

Oh, the story's gonna just disappear, eh, Frank?

Look, Murph, I'm not in the mood to hear you gloat right now. Fair enough.

Told you so, told you so, told you so.

Here, lay it at your leisure.

Interesting.

Did you know that there was a cover -up about an investigation into labor

practices at Cooper's Baby Food Factory? Oh, Corky, if there was some kind of

cover -up, I think I would have heard about it. Yeah, I'm sure Squinty would

have found some way to get word to Frank by now.

Well, according to this, there was a cover -up.

Oh, please, Corky, just because something's written on a piece of paper

mean it's true.

Trust me, you can't believe every officially notarized sealed deposition

the California 9th District Court of Appeals?

Uh -huh, uh -huh. I understand.

No, don't worry. I can promise you complete confidentiality.

Thank you very much.

So what'd you find out? You're not going to believe this. You know how Cooper is

always supposed to be this great family man? Well, he ought to be. He's got

three of them.

Still hard at work, I see.

Oh, Jim, there's some great stuff here. Price gouging, insider trading. Not to

mention, the guy is a ruthless takeover artist. You would not believe the size

of his empire.

That's typical of corporations these days. They're trying to get into

everything. Public education, mail delivery, even prisons.

For all we know, in ten years, our penal system will be run by Disney.

I don't care what crime you've committed, the last thing you see before

shuffle off this mortal coil shouldn't be Donald Duck in an executioner's hood.

Good night, everybody.

Andrew really came through on this one, didn't he, Murph? And to think, in some

parallel universe, you've got this story, and I feel like an idiot.

Yeah, it's pretty funny. I guess the joke's on me.

Listen, Frank, there's too much here for one person to do by Wednesday. What do

you think we share the story with? What? No way.

We've known each other a long, long enough to know how this is going to turn

out. I'll use logic, trickery, and if that doesn't work, a campaign of

unrelenting earboxing. But you'll get it. Oh, yeah, you will. So why don't you

just spare yourself the hassle and the mess and the hospital bills, and let's

agree to share the story now, okay?

Oh, all right. Great. Now, I'll cover Cooper's shady business dealings. No

I want to cover the shady business dealings.

that we couldn't shut down that plant, an entire town would be devastated.

Cooper just smiled and said, towns are expendable, profits are not.

Well, not exactly the squeaky clean image America's leading businessman

have us believe, is it? Jim?

Thank you, Murphy.

When we return, FYI's investigation of Richard Cooper continues as Frank

uncovers shocking reports on employee mistreatment.

And we're into commercial.

Yeah.

Good job, Murphy. Really gave Cooper a beating out there.

Thanks. There was a point where I started to feel bad about running that

of him strangling a peacock, but then I thought, he strangled a peacock!

We just got word Cooper pulled off another corporate takeover.

Really? That's perfect!

We used it to close the show. Who did he take over?

The network.

No, the Psychic Friends Network.

Yes.

Oh, God, what are we going to do? I need to think. John, buy me some time. And

we're back in five, four, three, two... Welcome back.

What you have heard about Richard Cooper so far is, I'm afraid, just the

beginning. For more on this FYI exclusive, here is investigative

Fontana.

Thank you, Jim.

To the public!

Richard Cooper is a benign businessman and a kind -hearted philanthropist.

But to those who have suffered under his cold -blooded corporate rule, he is

something quite different.

That is why he has been dubbed the world's worst

boss.

A man who has shattered the lives of every employee who has ever done the

slightest thing to displease him.

Although it's never too late for a person to change.

Hey, Frank, we tell the police Andrew was dead when we got here. As far as we

can tell, he tripped and choked on his own state work. I still don't get it.

would Andrew set us up like that? What does he hope to accomplish?

I don't know. He's Andrew. Maybe he has some deal where every time he does

something evil, he gets frequent flyer miles.

Good idea, Miss Brown. A suicide pact. Here, rip out my throat.

What are you talking about?

Just do it!

What's going on, Andrew?

Didn't you hear?

Cooper wants to see the three of us at his New York headquarters first thing

tomorrow. I just know he's going to hold me responsible for that story we did on

him. You are responsible for that story we did on him. Oh, really, Frank? Well,

then tell me, why is it that your signature is here on this authorization

That's not my signature.

How about that?

You demented little hobgoblin. You set us up, and now you're going to take

responsibility. Set you up? How did I set you up? Oh, come on. You offered

Murphy this story knowing she'd turn it down and that I'd run with it. So then

Murphy would con me into letting her back on the story. And then the two of

would go on the air together just as Cooper bought our network.

You're right, Frank. Only you left out one very important detail.

You're insane!

Google Mooney!

idea this takeover was in the works?

Miss Brown, three acres of rainforest gave its life for the paper trail I

You think that would have happened if I'd known this was coming?

So if you didn't set us up with Cooper, why'd you put us on the story to begin

with? I assure you, Miss Brown, my motives were the purest possible.

I was a mere lad at the bottom rung of the corporate ladder when the incident

happened.

And on that day...

I swore I would have my revenge.

So you arranged for us to do a story on one of the most vindictive men in

corporate America who just happens to be our new boss because 15 years ago you

didn't think to get out of the way of a door?

Yes. And in all that time, he never once bothered to apologize.

Andrew, did you ever stop to think that maybe he forgot about it? How could he,

Frank? I didn't forget.

I never forget.

Well, remember this, elephant boy. Next time in the future you're out wreaking

vengeance on a kid in third grade who didn't offer you gum, leave us the hell

out of it!

Well, Frank, I swear to you, I didn't mean to involve you in any of this. My

God, what have I done?

Gee,

Murph, you made her cry.

Oh, please, Frank. He's not really crying. He probably doesn't even have

ducts.

Okay, he does.

Oh, my.

Why? Why must everything I touch turn ugly?

My mother was right.

I am evil.

Your mother said you were evil?

At my fifth birthday party, instead of a clown, she hired an exorcist.

think others were to blame but it's me me well

it's time for a change tomorrow when we go into

cooper's office i'll take full responsibility for that story you're

will

Can I get you anything?

How about a cyanide capsule?

Frank, what is with you?

What's with me? We're about to get fired.

That's what's with me, Murph. Oh, please. We were journalists doing our

He's not going to fire us. Oh, right. He has a doctor over -medicate his

diabetic ex -wife so she'd be agreeable for the divorce settlement, but he's

going to draw the line with firing us.

Okay, worst -case scenario, we get fired. So what? Any network would love

have us. Oh. Oh, yeah, they are just lining up to hire people who've stabbed

their bosses in the back.

If we get Ted Turner indicted, he'll ask us to host Crossfire.

Calm down.

Andrew's taking the fall for us, remember?

Oh, right.

Andrew, do you see him here?

No. Well, you know, I don't, and do you know why? Because that lying weasel

probably skipped the country. I will bet you he is in Switzerland right now

sipping piña coladas.

They sell them there.

We'll see you now.

Oh, man.

Are we screwed?

Relax, Frank. We're not screwed.

Murphy Brown, Frank Fontana.

This is a thrill.

I'm Rick Cooper. Of course you know Andrew Lansing.

Hello.

Okay, now we're screwed.

Andrew, I thought we were going to meet you outside.

Oh, were we?

We're all here now. Please sit down.

I've got to tell you, I'm a big fan of the show. A big fan.

I thought that story you did where you ripped apart Pat Buchanan was terrific.

And Frank, I loved that piece you did on corruption in the New Orleans Police

Department. You did?

Thanks. I thought it was pretty good myself.

Good? It was fan -freaking -tastic.

You know, I want FYI to keep hitting hard.

Because there's nothing I admire more than somebody who'll step up and take a

swing at the big guys.

Uh, really?

Hell, yes. You know, some people with that kind of gumption are gonna go far

my company.

You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Andy?

Indeed I do, Coop.

Which brings me back to what you and I were discussing earlier, that story that

FYI did on you.

I take full responsibility.

Frank and Murphy had nothing to do with it. Nothing to do with it?

Do not listen to him, Mr. Cooper. That story, me and Murphy all the way.

Mr. Cooper, I assure you that Frank... Who are you going to believe? Him or us?

We nearly killed ourselves putting that story together. And to think I handed

you a tissue.

Are you saying that the two of you are responsible for that story? That's

You got it. A story that single -handedly shattered an image that I've

painstakingly crafting my entire adult life.

Oh, you mean the story about you.

I was talking about a story on someone else.

I'm sorry, Andrew. Andy,

thanks for coming by. I'm sure you have business to take care of down in

Washington. Sit down, Frank.

Indeed, sir. Thanks.

And I'll tell my uncle you said hello.

It wasn't us. It was Andrew. He hates you.

You slammed the door in his face. Packages.

Frank?

Murphy?

I have a reputation for being fair.

But as you learned while doing that story, that reputation is totally

basis. So what are you going to do, fire us?

No, no, I'm not going to fire you. You're too valuable for that.

Everybody knows the only thing this network has besides you is the nanny.

And that woman reminds me of one of my ex -wives.

Not to mention two of the current ones.

No, your situation's gonna require some craft, which is why I'm slashing your

research budget in half.

What? And as to expense accounts, that's a thing of the past. Oh, man.

Okay, congratulations. You proved your point. You're big and powerful.

Can we go now? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Now is the fun part.

This is where I whittle away at your will to live.

For example, I like carrot cake.

Do you like carrot cake, Frank?

Your commissary will never serve carrot cake again.

But, Murphy, from now on, the toilet paper in the ladies' room of FYI will be

the rough and scratchy kind.

You know what?

I think that's enough.

I think I can put all this behind me now and we can build a good working

relationship. Maybe even be friends.

Friends? Are you nuts?

Oh, now, darn it. That's a step backwards.

I don't believe I'm going to be able to validate your parking.

Fine, but before we do, maybe I should clear this with you. My next story is on

wasting the government.

You don't own that, do you?

Not this one.

Not yet.

What are you doing here, Andrew? I thought you'd be out feasting on the

the living.

Oh, he certainly won't be feasting on carrot cake.

Why didn't the two of you believe me? I was taking the fall for you in there.

Oh, yeah, right. Come on, Frank, let's go.

Frank, wait.

You believe me, don't you?

Yeah, right.

But, Frank, I've turned over a new leaf.

Redneck. Tune in for the Jeff Foxworthy show and find out. Damn straight.

The show premieres next Saturday with a two -hour block of four episodes,

starting at 10, only on Nick at Night.