Original subtitles

That's the world according to the dial.

For all of us at FYI, good night.

And we're clear. Oh, boy. This is one week I am glad to see end.

Hey, last one over to Phil's. Bye, first round.

So, Murph, you coming?

I'm sorry. Are you talking to me?

Not this again.

Hey, my college is giving me an honorary doctorate. I don't think it's too much

to ask, but everyone addressed me as Dr. Brown. I still say it sounds like cream

soda. There's one that tastes like celery, too. Who drinks it? It really is

an honorary degree. They hand those out to everyone these days. Why, if I'm not

mistaken, it's even Dr. Heather Locklear now.

Why do you think people were so jealous?

I still don't understand why you're getting this degree in the first place.

knows it's not like you made it. any generous donations. Well, despite the

obvious Humboldt Awards, Emmy Awards, my impish charm, I was also instrumental

in forcing the school to establish a women's studies program.

So, how many of you are coming up for the ceremony?

I'm delivering a speech.

Mike, we don't get to hear you give one of those every day.

okay? Yeah, the set was clear, Miles. No one was hurt. Thank God. Oh, but if my

insurance company calls, you never heard that.

Oh, my God. Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Hey, is this where they do Regis and Kathy Lee?

I don't believe this.

They told us that window was indestructible.

Of course, I suppose nothing is indestructible when you drive a Mack

through. Well, that's been my experience.

This is what you get when you put a big, stupid window right on street level

where any moron can smash into it.

No offense.

Actually, there is. You drove through our building, for God's sake.

Can you imagine if this had happened a few minutes ago?

We'd all be dead. My last words would have been about celery soda.

My chair.

It's my chair.

I would have been right here.

And here.

And here.

Oh, God.

What a close call. I can just see the headlines.

Dr. Brown crushed by truck.

Really, sucker? You were sitting right here. The truck would have missed you

entirely.

Yes, you're right.

So the headline would have read, Dr.

Brown narrowly missed by truck, others crushed.

What?

I still can't believe it. Murphy gets an honorary degree, so we have to do an

FYI on campus.

Need I remind you, there's a truck in our studio.

We had to broadcast from somewhere. Well, why can't we share someone else's

studio, like the evening news?

Are you serious, Dan Ratter? Share?

Man's his territory. It was a junkyard dog.

Where is Murphy? I want you to tell us to meet her here.

Well, I think doing an FYI on the road was a very smart, creative solution.

Thank you, Corky.

You're not just saying that because I'm your husband, are you?

Maybe.

You all should be viewing this as an opportunity.

Frank gets to report on campus activism.

Corky will be examining new sexual attitudes. This is all good.

Until now, our show has virtually ignored Generation X.

And why shouldn't we, Starbucks -willing slackers?

Which brings us to this hall.

The very hall I used to walk down on my way to class and on my way back from

class.

What a day. It's like I'm on an archaeological dig, learning all the

secrets of Murphy Brown.

The co -ed years.

Lord have mercy.

All the questions are being answered. All the buried riches of her past

revealed.

Well, you know, as much as I'd love to continue this journey back to the

Murphozoic era, I've got to work. Hey, you're going to miss my dorm room. And

I'd love to stay, Slugger. I should really go talk to some students for my

commentary. You know, groomed on where their heads are at.

They don't use that phrase anymore, Jim.

In fact, I don't think they ever did.

Oh, I suppose that's some new hep slacker phrase.

All right, well, let's start with... You know, Murphy, I think we might have

enough color of you by now. What are you talking about?

Oh, I don't know. I just think the six hours we shot of where you used to sit

the library, where you used to sit in the dining hall, where you used to sit

English class, and where you used to sit in psych class will probably suffice

for the Where Murphy Used to Sit segment.

Miles, we're talking about my dorm room here.

My dorm room.

Where I learned and laughed and... And loved and cried, I know. It's a dorm

room, not the tomb of Tutankhamen.

For the love of God, Miles, we haven't come this far to turn back now.

Okay, okay, we'll go in. But this is it.

And a picture of this family I've never seen before.

So, this is what a fancy Ivy League college room looks like, huh?

Boy, for 20 grand a year, you'd think there'd be a hot tub or something.

Murphy, you're not having some kind of a drug flashback, are you?

Uh, hi?

Oh, hi. I'm sorry.

The door was open, and we just kind of... Oh, God. My parents sent you,

they? Well, I don't care. You can tell them if I want to major in art history

and date an African -American guy. That is my business. We're not doing a story

on you, and your parents didn't send us. Oh, well, what the heck are you going

to do with an art history major?

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown. This used to be my room. Really? Yeah.

Huh. I always heard it was Diane Sawyer who lost her virginity here. During

finals, and that's that. But I guess it was you. I'll give you $200 for it,

chance.

that story is not entirely true.

Nope, it was more like midterms and it was Jane

Pauley.

I can tell you how excited I am about going to a women's studies class with

Murphy. I haven't been exposed to feminism that much. Well, except for the

America pageant by Miss Rhode Island, but I think you would classify that as

more of a come on.

Prepare to have your eyes opened. When did your consciousness raise, Corky?

kind of class represents the sort of thinking that made me the woman I am

But I practically created the whole program, so it's like, I don't know,

Shakespeare sitting in on English class or something.

Hi. We were told we could sit in today.

This is Corky Sherwood, and I'm Dr. Murphy Brown. Hello.

I'm Susan.

Well... Thank you for having us, Susan.

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I am partly responsible for there

being a women's studies program here. Yes, I believe that was mentioned in the

press release you sent us.

So where's the class? I thought it started at 1 .30. It does.

But one of the negative traits of the patriarchy is a rigid adherence to

schedules, so we don't follow them that closely.

Ah, yes, the patriarchy. Hear that, Perky?

Good afternoon, everyone.

We'll be having two guests with us today.

Murphy Brown and Corky Sherwood.

Actually, that's Dr.

Murphy Brown, but thank you for letting us observe.

I'm not sure if you realize this, but I'm partly responsible for their

They got the press release, too.

Great. Well, I'm just so proud to see you, my sisters, carrying on the cause.

and pretend we're not here.

Unless, of course, the name Sylvia Plath comes up, and I might not be able to

resist sharing some insights from my senior thesis with you.

So, has anyone had an ouch experience since the last class that they feel

comfortable sharing?

What's an ouch experience?

An ouch experience is when someone's been a victim of sexism.

Oh, right, right. I think we had another term for it. Um, an ouch trip, maybe. I

don't know why.

We try to maintain a safe space in the classroom so that silenced women feel

free to speak out in a secure, gynocentric ambiance.

I've never been a big fan of gynocentric ambiances. They always seem to end with

my feet up in the stirrups.

Someone was about to share an ouch experience.

Well, I was walking across campus yesterday when I passed a large group of

playing football in the quad, and I was victimized.

A bunch of jocks attacked you? No, they didn't physically assault me.

Oh, thank goodness.

No, but they verbally attacked her, Corky, and that kind of harassment isn't

more acceptable.

No, they didn't verbally assault me either.

Oh, well, what'd they do then?

They played football.

And even though I wasn't victimized directly or in any perceptible way, I

victimized.

And it was an absolutely horrifying experience.

I got an obscene phone call last night. Oh, no, not again.

Uh -huh.

It was the wrong number. And when I told him it was the wrong number, he said,

thanks, honey.

And I felt victimized.

Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt and these stories are all fascinating, but

I thought this was a seminar on women's literature.

No, this is an ovular on women's literature.

Seminar is an offensively masculine term.

I don't get it.

Seminar. Amen.

Well, I get that.

No,

I mean, I don't understand why this class is so preoccupied with personal

stories and victimization. I mean, where's the educational value in that? I

agree. Can we talk about my period?

Ask Murphy, and feminist consciousness is a consciousness of victimization.

I'm a feminist, and I'm not a victim. Just a fashion one.

Just kidding, Murphy.

Actually, she has some really nice clothes.

The fact that you're not aware you're a victim only shows that you've bought

into a patriarchal system where men strive to subjugate you. Right, but

okay. Your consciousness probably isn't raised enough to realize it.

My consciousness is very raised, and I don't need your patronizing. Thank you.

wasn't patronizing.

I was matronizing.

Well, I for one want to thank you for speaking up, Murphy.

Not all of us see men as the problem.

Or view shaving our armpits as a political statement.

Oh, good, it's the ship chicks.

Hey, I want to get married and have a family and a career, and I'm sick of

ostracized for that.

And you shouldn't be. I just want to avoid all the mistakes that you made.

Excuse me?

You know...

How you gave up a personal life and sacrificed your femininity to get where

are. It's really sort of unattractive.

Well, you know, if it weren't for women like me, young feminists like you,

wouldn't be sitting here today with any choices. Oh, I'm not a feminist.

What are you talking about?

Don't you believe in equal rights?

Equal pay?

Reproductive freedoms?

Yeah. Well, then you're a feminist. As for you, I don't know what the hell you

are. What do you want, anyway?

To unite women in principled hostility to the males who seek to hold fast to

their patriarchal privileges.

And it purges the curriculum of white male bias.

Who are you and what have they done with your Y chromosome?

Well, I'm Adam.

And I'm an obnoxious male.

up for this class?

I wanted to meet girls.

Sorry, sorry, women.

I wanted to meet women.

Although I'm not sure why anymore.

Okay, look, I know what it's like to be 20 and think you know everything, but

feminism is a lot more about how you live your life than, say, protesting an

astronomy class because you find the term Big Bang offensive.

I'm feeling diminished by her sarcasm. Boy, there you go again, taking

everything personally.

Murphy, we respect your right to participate, but please follow the rules

this classroom and let people talk without interruption.

Okay, fine, but it just seems like a waste of time to let someone finish

when you know what they're going to say is stupid.

Yes,

I may.

You all have good points to make.

You think you're right, that women are oppressed, and sometimes they still are.

And you think you're right, that women shouldn't be criticized for wanting to

have families, and they shouldn't. And Murphy thinks she's right because...

Well, she always thinks she's right.

But why do we have to let these differences divide us? I mean, we're all

We're all in this together.

Boy, they've got you wearing the high heels and the miniskirt. All you need is

dog collar and a leash and your subjugation ensemble is complete.

I like what she's wearing.

Are those shoes Balducci?

Excuse me, but I am not subjugated.

Yes, they are.

If we want to continue the progress feminism has made... Oh, please.

Any progress has been an illusion.

Face it, your feminism is a failure. And you're not married either, so that's

kind of a drag all around.

Hey, talk to me when you've lived in the real world.

Bella Abzug has hats with more life experience than you.

Susan, Mark is creating a power relationship and trying to dominate

the room.

The most oppressive of male traits. Well, that's what happened. when you

surrender your femininity.

Oh, please. That is the biggest bunch of malarkey I've ever heard.

Oh, excuse me, female arty.

Everyone, I think we're getting off track.

Thank you.

Now, can we talk about my period, please?

Can't you discuss that with your doctor or something?

Don't silence her!

You are all missing the point. While we sit here arguing, the radical religious

right is working to take away everything we fought for. Open your eye!

What the hell is that?

God, that is annoying.

I thought I might find you here.

Actually, I thought I might find you a lot of places, but I already checked the

other hundred or so special spots you showed us on campus, and let me tell

those steam tunnels are a little creepy at this hour.

So what are you doing?

Sometimes when I was a student, I'd sit here late at night and stare out the

window trying to imagine a future.

Now when I think how hard I worked for that future, only to end up with those

ungrateful turncoats. Well, Murphy, a lot of young women look at you and they

don't see someone who sold out to the patriarchy or sacrificed her femininity.

They look at you and they see a role model.

You know, if it hadn't been for you, it never would have even occurred to me

that I could do what I'm doing.

Yeah? Are you kidding?

Around my house, all women's rights meant was that Daddy let Mama use the

bathroom longer than anyone else.

And he wouldn't have let her do that if he'd known she was sitting in a tub

crying about what her life might have been if she hadn't turned down that date

with Conway Twitty.

Growing up, your world did not exist for me.

You know, Corky, sometimes I forget how far you've come.

It's nice to know I might be a little responsible for that.

Oh, it's you again.

I locked the door this time. You did. I never turned in my key.

Look, you know, why don't you just take the room for the weekend, okay?

I'll crash my boyfriend's. Oh, thanks.

And if he buys you dinner, it doesn't mean you're oppressed, okay?

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, you were right, Jim. They're here. Ha!

Told you, Frank.

Tattoo parlor.

It's possible they are very big on campus now.

Let's go, Murph. Were you like MacArthur returning stateside after the war?

No. I was more like Mussolini having his body dragged through the streets.

It was horrible. Frank, they hated me and everything I stood for. Well, I'm

afraid it's inevitable, Slugger.

Once you're a generation or two removed, you're like foreign creatures to them,

just as they are to us.

You and I are a generation or two removed, Jim. I don't seem foreign to

I? Do you have fond recollections of Buck Rogers' cereals, Uncle Miltie, or

M .G. Convertible?

Not really.

You might as well be a Chinese woman from 12th century Shanghai.

You know, it's funny, but when I picture myself, even after all I've done, I

always see myself as college age.

And then it's not until I look at someone who actually is that age that I

realize how far away from that time I really am.

I know.

It's the same for me.

Oh, please, you are college age.

Hey, I have been out ten years now, and I understand what you're saying.

You think you don't change, but then you pick yourself at Harvard, jumping into

the Charles River naked, and all you can think about are all the parasites you

might have picked up, and you realize, I've changed.

You know, I can remember a time when dating a college girl was a big deal. It

represented all that was mature and sophisticated in life.

Then you hit 40 and realized you were making a fool of yourself.

She was a grad student, and she was wise beyond her years.

I don't know. Maybe it's me.

I got lazy and forgot the fight.

I mean, the ERA loses enough times, and finally you just get used to it.

I might have disagreed with them, but those college kids had a passion that

maybe I just don't have anymore. College is a time of passion.

My God, we used to stay up until the wee hours discussing everything.

Politics, philosophy, art.

And it mattered. Everything mattered.

I miss that passion.

The kind where you'd stay up all night with friends and ponder the world and

universe and what it all meant.

But then, I guess life happens, and before you have a chance to figure out

place in the world, you're in it.

And then you die.

Sorry, it's just where I go sometimes.

Good night.

You know what would lift our spirits and maybe even make us feel like we're back

in college again?

Pizza and Esquire magazine.

Pizza and beer. Pizza and ice cream. Pizza and Motown.

Well, I was going to say a bong and some righteous weed.

But pizza's good, too.

Okay. Okay.

But energy and matter can't disappear, right?

So our... Well, okay, let's call them souls.

have to go somewhere.

They can't just disappear when we die.

It's not physically possible.

You're saying reincarnation may not be quite so beyond the pale as it seems.

Interesting. I wonder if they give a fellow a choice.

But there's none of those people in history to be reincarnated to everyone

alive now.

Animals. You're forgetting the animals. They're, let's call them souls, have to

go somewhere too, don't they, Miles?

Assuming they have souls.

State Cart didn't think so. But I'm inclined to go the other way.

We must trust the perfection of the creation so far as to believe that

curiosity the order of things has awakened in our minds, the order of

satisfy. Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Wow, Frank, that's really impressive. I can't believe I remember that. It's like

being on campus just brought it all back.

Logarithms. I remember logarithms.

I still don't understand them, but I remember them.

Oh, oh my.

Would you look at that? It's dull already.

We've stayed up all night having this rap session, as the kids say. Kids don't

say that anymore, Jim.

I don't care. I say it.

And I enjoyed it.

I should be exhausted. I feel invigorated.

Well, we must have some of that long -forgotten passion after all.

Maybe we do with that. I've got to admit, tonight I almost feel 21 again.

Don't you mean it?

Well, uh... Ow!

So, we're not 21 anymore.

But that's okay.

Because, you know, we were 21 once.

That's right.

Yeah, but you know what still bugs me?

This nagging feeling that my time has passed. Oh, come on, Murph. You're a

-famous journalist. You're at the top of your profession. What are you talking

about? Yeah, but I have no relevance to this next generation.

And they're the ones who are going to be framing the debate.

My opinions have had whatever impact they're going to have, and whether I

it or not, it's time to hand over the bullhorn.

Boy, those are some inspiring words for when I accept my doctorate.

You're not going to use any of that in your speech, are you? Well, does it

matter? Anything I have to say to this generation of women is just going to

on deaf ears anyway.

So what are you going to do?

And if you think about it, it's all so simple.

Equal right, equal opportunities.

We have no right to expect more. We can't afford to accept less.

Sure, some might say men are the problem, but that isn't a solution.

Nor is it right to give up the fight, for it is not yet won.

The only hope we have is to respect each other and join together in making this

a better place for men and women alike.

Thank you.

It's polite to clap, class.

What's a redneck? Tune in for the Jeff Foxworthy show and find out. Damn

straight. The show premieres Saturday, July 23rd with a two -hour block of four

episodes, starting at 10, only on Nick at Night.