Original subtitles

Courtney, listen.

You're going to have to cut 40 seconds off your piece. And about tonight, the

fish place was booked. We're going Italian.

Oh, no, no. I can't cut 40 seconds. And I already had Italian for lunch. I'll do

10 seconds and Mexican. You're killing me.

30 in Chinese.

20. And you don't try to use chopsticks.

Done. You are the best wife -slash -anchor person any husband -slash

producer could ever ask for.

Looks like you guys have this workplace -slash -marriage thing down, huh? We

really do, Frank.

We've learned that making an office marriage work is all about compromise.

Uh -huh. That's why when Lansing asked me to step in and executive produce that

new show that Murphy and Miller have been doing together, I said absolutely

Running front and center would take too much time away from my wonderful wife.

Oh, Miles.

That's right. I looked him straight in the eye, and I told him I would consult

on front and center, and that is it.

You're consulting? You didn't tell me you were consulting.

Oh, honey, don't worry.

Consultants just give advice and go home.

Executive producers do the work and get the ulcers.

Hey, Miles, I just heard you're going to be running front and center. Man, you

just don't ever want to go home, do you?

I swear I am just a consultant.

Yeah, it'll be just like when we were on the next wave together, remember?

Working late into the night, making sure my stories were perfect, preparing all

the questions for my interviews.

Hey, maybe I'll even stick around and help this time.

Who am I kidding?

Just a consultant.

Hey, guys, you know, we've had three shows on the air and no feedback from

anyone, so come on. What do you think?

Well, I like you much better on your show than I did when you were on ours.

Well, you know what they say.

Teamwork, that's the key.

And I think Murphy and I make a really, really great team. I mean, we have this

unspoken connection where we know each other's thoughts. It's like we think

one mind.

You'd almost have to.

Damn. Another dead end.

Damn, damn, damn mad.

You see what I mean?

Don't tell me you're still trying to line up that anthropologist. Oh, really,

slugger. King Pauly's had no luck with her. Sam Donaldson, maybe it's time to

give up. I can't give up, Jim.

Elizabeth Corning's research on gorillas has revolutionized the whole field of

animal behavior.

And after 30 years in the jungle, she's finally coming home. I've got to

convince her.

But what do you do when you've made a total pest of yourself and you can't get

woman to return your phone calls?

Hey, who you looking at me for?

You know, Murpho,

I'm really sorry it's not happening with the monkey lady, but hey, it's time for

our meeting.

Oh, right. I tell you what, Miller, why don't you go to your office and wait for

me there?

Gotcha.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not again.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me six times, shame on me.

The last time we met for five hours and all we resolved is you can't interview

fictional characters or people who are dead.

And we never would have gotten there without the process.

I just get it over with. Hey, you guys want to stick around, pitch a few with

the old mill man?

Sorry, I have a commentary to write. Yeah, and I have an appointment about my

pants.

Well, then what are you standing around here for? Go, go.

Oh, Miles, where do you think you're going?

Hello?

Consultant here, remember?

And as your consultant, my advice is get Ed. He's your executive producer. Oh,

yeah. About Ed, um, after our production meeting this morning, he went home.

Something about not feeling well.

Well, I guess I can fit in just this once.

Because if something goes wrong, not my problem.

Cool, because I got a ton of great ideas.

Okay, okay.

Try this one on for size.

Bingo. Innocent pastime or...

I'm still working on the second half of that one. Any ideas?

Yeah, but it would involve your false arrest, a little rouge, and a warden

willing to look the other way.

Hey, at least I'm coming up with ideas, not wasting time going after some boring

old chimp chick.

Excuse me? That boring old chimp chick is a Nobel Prize winner and one of the

founders of modern anthropology.

You say potato, I say tomato.

This meeting is over.

Get out, Miller.

Come on, now.

How can we call ourselves a team if we can't communicate?

Don't shut me out, Murfo. Stop calling me that.

Look, we need to feel that we can share our problems. Okay, I'll start.

I used to not like myself very much.

And then I learned about body waxing.

Okay, your turn.

You want to share? I'll share.

My problem is you.

You're not a journalist. You don't know the first thing about news. And you

wouldn't recognize a story if it began with once upon a time.

So what are you saying? I'm not a journalist?

What I'm saying is the only reason I took this job is because I was convinced

you'd be gone by now. But you're still here.

It's like I stepped in Miller Redfield and I can't seem to scrape you off my

shoe.

Well, let me tell you something, little miss high and mighty.

I may not have gone to some fancy journalism school, or have a closet full

awards, or spend any time honing my craft, or... Wait, where was I

going with this?

Anywhere but here.

Fine, I'm leaving. But let me tell you something.

Somehow, someway, I'm going to impress you, Murphy Brown.

What's that in your ear?

Why, it's a quarter.

And that's just the beginning.

Oh, I like that you're thinking career change, Miller, but I'm afraid that this

job requires a working knowledge of the alphabet.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I have something you don't have.

I got news for you, Miller. A prostate gland is nothing to gloat about.

No, no, it's not.

But convincing renowned anthropologist Elizabeth Corning to let me interview

her? I'd say that is.

Let me see that.

Well, it's not in crayon, so at least I know you didn't write it.

Hey, Miller, way to go. You reeled in the big interview.

He got her? Oh, yes, indeedy, he did.

I was just on the phone with her working out the details. She'll be here next

Friday. You got her? It was so easy, too. All I had to do was... No, you know

what? A real journalist doesn't reveal how he got his story.

Your story?

Elizabeth Corning was my story. My idea, my story. Tell him, Miles, tell him. My

idea, my story. Tell him.

Well, this is a tough one. You've been following this story for months. You

the woman inside and out. So I guess you could say you deserve this interview.

Hear that?

Deserve. Although...

Miller's the one who actually got her, and without her, there'd be no interview

to do. Hear that? Do.

But I guess if I had to make a ruling on this one, I'd have to go with...

Ed. Ed.

Ed's your executive producer.

He's the one who should be dispensing the Solomon Lake wisdom. I'm just a

consultant. My wisdom's more like that of a lesser Israelite.

How about Ed? Ed's in the hospital.

Ed's in the...

What did you do to Ed?

The doctors discovered a pre -existing medical condition apparently brought on

by my constructive criticism. So in a way, you could say I'm a lifesaver.

You'll be back by show night? Absolutely. As soon as they find a way

vomiting, he's free to leave.

And that leaves you. So make a ruling.

Okay. If you're going to force me to choose.

I'd have to say the interview goes to Miller.

What? I'm sorry, Murphy, but Elizabeth Corning said she wanted Miller. I have

give him the interview. I want this interview, Miles. You know, we all want

things we can't have, Murphy.

Hey, I want a Corvette with mag wheels and a plush leather interior.

Wait, I already have that.

Okay, I want a buff bod with a washboard stomach that drives the babes wild.

No, wait, I already have that, too.

Boy, happy to be me, huh?

Hey,

have a good show tonight. It's going to be a great one. Yeah, great.

See you in a few minutes.

Oh, no, actually, you won't.

You'll be seeing Ed, your executive producer, in a few minutes. I'm just the

consultant, remember? That means I don't have to stay.

No, in a few minutes I'll be tucking a napkin into my collar and eating the

shellfish -free jambalaya Corky's whipping up as we speak.

Look, champagne.

Well, see ya.

Well, you don't think I'm losing it, do you?

Losing it? No, of course not.

I actually lost a story to Miller Redfield.

Miller Redfield, a man who once tried to order Boutros Boutros Gali from a Greek

restaurant.

You know, that's an interesting point and one that deserves some thought. I'll

tell you what. Why don't we talk about it tomorrow?

We'll make some time, have some coffee, okay?

All right.

Listen.

You are not losing it.

You're fine.

Miller just got lucky.

That's all.

Who knows why these things happen?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Great. Now, if I don't get out of here, Corky's never going to forgive me for

this. Thank God you haven't left yet. One of our cameras went down. What are

going to do? Not my problem. Go ask Ed.

Didn't they tell you? Ed, quit.

It's three minutes to air. We need you out there.

Ed, quit?

Tell me, Murphy, was there ever really an Ed? Or is this all just some sick,

twisted plot of yours?

Come on, Miles.

You're the devil.

Hey, pal, congrats on the promotion.

Hiya,

Murpho. So,

uh, how's things?

Yeah, well... All that time you spent trying to nail the Elizabeth Corning

interview? Hey, it wasn't wasted. No, she is every bit as fascinating as you

thought. Maybe even more.

So, you got the interview, Miller? Big deal. Spare me, okay?

Boy, if I didn't know better, I'd say you sounded jealous.

Maybe even a little impressed.

Right, impressed.

Yeah, well, why not?

Why can't you just admit that I came through on this one? I mean, would it

you just once to say, way to go, Miller, nice job?

Fine, fine, fine.

I guess I had you all wrong.

You know, I thought you were the kind of person who respected people who got

results.

I thought you'd at least give me a little credit for that.

And I guess not.

All right, all right. I guess it is possible that I sort

of underestimated you.

A little.

Yeah?

And... I guess if a bunch of terrorists were holding a loaded gun to my head,

and I don't know, the fate of a plane load of guns depended on it, I'd have to

say that I... That I... That you respect me? It sounds

so ugly when you say it.

But... Yes, and I respect you.

Wow.

You respect me. You respect me.

Forget it, Miller. I know I planned to. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have to do

something to show my appreciation. Look, I know how much this interview meant to

you, so why don't you share it with me?

Come on, what do you say? We do it together.

You'd do that?

I don't know.

Come on, you know you want to.

You realize the kind of bind this puts me in. Our whole relationship is based

my total disregard for your existence.

If you do something nice for me and suddenly that whole thing gets thrown

horribly out of whack.

Okay.

Hey,

pal.

Guess who respects me?

Okay, I'll give you a hint. Her initials are Murphy Brown.

Got it yet?

You up there, catwalk guy.

Guess who respects me?

Geez.

Excuse me.

I'm not sure I'm in the right place.

I can find my way through a rainforest and a monsoon, but that parking

is a nightmare.

Hello, Dr. Corning. I can't tell you what an honor this is. I'm Murphy Brown.

Oh, yes, of course.

Oh, very good.

I've made a point to watch a number of your reports, which is no small feat in

the jungle. The damn lions keep chewing through the cable.

That's very flattering.

Of course, you did choose Miller Redfield to do the interview and not me,

I'm sure you had your reasons.

Could you give me one?

Liz! Miller?

Hello.

Oh, those roses in my hotel room this morning would have very nice touch.

I'm glad you like them. Listen, a slight change in plans.

Murphy and I are going to be doing the interview together.

Is that okay?

Well, I suppose if I have to share you.

Ten seconds, places, people. Let's go, let's go.

And we're live in five,

four, three, two.

Good evening, America.

I'm Miller Redfield, coming to you live from Washington, D .C.

And you are front and center.

Tonight, Murphy Brown and I have a very special interview with a woman we think

you'll just go ape over.

Murphy?

Thank you, Miller.

Tonight, we're joined by one of the most noted anthropologists of our time,

Elizabeth Corning. Dr. Corning, welcome.

Thank you, Murphy. I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be here.

Well, you've spent nearly 30 years in the jungle. I wonder if you could tell

what is your most surprising discovery?

Oh, I'd have to say it was one of my most recent ones, actually.

I discovered that while gorilla and man are alike in many, many ways, only one

of them can give a really good foot rub.

Actually, in all my years of studying gorillas, it's the consistency of their

behavior rather than the surprises that stand out.

You know, now might be a really good time to go to a short clip from the

documentary of your recent field work.

Can we roll that clip? This is you in the jungle with some apes. Clip is

rolling, and we're clear.

Sorry, I was just a little thrown there.

You two are so friendly.

I hadn't realized you were so...

Friendly.

I was just wondering how you got so... Friendly.

You're asking if we slept together.

What? Oh, no.

Well, we did.

And it was yummy.

Coming at a clip in five, four, three, two...

Unbelievable. You know, I could just watch that clip again and again.

Can you roll that clip again?

Okay, why don't we go to a different clip now?

I just can't get enough of those clips.

It's You in the Jungle, More Apes.

And we're going to clip.

Again. What are you doing? It's not time for another clip. He slept with her.

What? Miller slept with Elizabeth Kortning.

You mean like a nap?

No, Miles. Not like a nap.

Oh, God.

Hey, guys. I think it's going really well so far, don't you?

So that's how you did it? That's how you got the interview? You slept with her?

How could you do that?

It was surprisingly easy, really.

A little wine, a little music, a lot of foot rubs.

Boy, I wish they could all be like that, huh?

You slept with an interview. You compromised your objectivity. Forty

Miles. What you did was unethical, immoral, and not at all helped by the

that she looks like my grandmother on my father's side.

Boy, there's gratitude for you. I'd take one for our show. No.

I take six for our show, and this is the thanks I get. Oh, God, he's right.

Our show, our interview.

I might as well have slept with her myself.

I don't think she's into that, but hey, you can ask her.

Me? We'll talk about this after the show. Now get back out there now.

Oh, no.

This interview is tainted. There's no way I'm finishing it now. If I can

on this sinking ship, you can get back out there and help me bail. Now grab a

bucket, matey, and go. Go!

But I am washing my hands of this whole thing.

You're on your own, lover boy. Fifteen seconds. What is your problem? Is it

because I'm young and she's old? Age has nothing to do with it. You slept with

her to get her on the show. Look, it's not my fault you couldn't figure out a

way to get this interview for yourself.

Tell me something, Liz.

When the younger gorillas slept with the older gorillas, did the holier -than

-thou gorillas pass judgment on them?

Let me tell you something.

I slept with Elizabeth Corning, and I don't care who knows about it.

We're back.

All right.

I know you're all interested, so I won't keep you in suspense.

I'm not fired.

He's like the cockroach of journalism. No matter how many times you whack him,

you just can't kill him.

You're not fired?

No. All I had to do was promise not to sleep with anyone I interview ever

Or, if I do, at least don't announce it on the air.

You mean Lansing's not mad?

Oh, man, he's mad.

Really, really mad.

But apparently not at me. Oh, yeah, by the way, Lansing said he wants to see

in his office ASAP.

But... If I were you, I'd hurry.

But Ed was the executive producer.

I'm just the consultant.

Ed should be rolling here.

Shouldn't be my head.

Should be Ed's head.

Shouldn't it be Ed's head?

Murphy, I'd like to have a few words with you if I could.

Okay. But only if those words are, I can't breathe, you're standing on my

larynx.

Look, this isn't easy for me to say, so I'm just going to say it.

My behavior was unconscionable.

And I regret any embarrassment I may have caused you, and I offer you my most

sincere and...

Heartfelt apologies.

What is that? A cheat sheet?

Have you got an apology cheat sheet?

No.

Most sincere and heartfelt apology?

Heartfelt.

And Stan said I'd be home free if I got past unconscionable.

You have no idea what you did, do you?

Journalists have rules.

You don't make up quotes, you don't pay for information, and you don't use sex

to get a story.

Yeesh. Guilty on two counts.

Actually, three. Liz asked me for cab fare.

You know what, Miller? You will never be more than what you are. A blow -dried,

tooth -capped pretty boy posing as a journalist.

You really think I'm pretty?

Oh, jeez. Forget it.

All right, look, maybe I am blow -dried and my teeth are capped. And I know that

comes at a price that people don't take me seriously.

But then I...

I look at Hugh Downs and I think, boy, is that time well spent.

Damn it. I got the serious interview. I got it.

So why can't I be pretty and have your respect?

Miller, it's not just the end result that counts. How you get there matters,

too.

So what you're saying is I shouldn't have slept with Elizabeth to get the

interview. Yes, Miller. That's what I'm saying.

That's what I have been saying.

Wow.

Hey, is this stuff written down anywhere?

You know, like in a pamphlet or a card I could stick in my wallet?

You just sort of have to know it.

Let me tell you something. Things are going to be different from now on. Yeah,

I'm going to show you that I can be a real journalist just like you.

Excuse me. Miller, it's Shelly Winters on the phone. She wants to confirm your

pre -interview with her at your place.

Oh, great.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't worry.

Believe me, I haven't forgotten what we just talked about.

Shelly only thinks she's going to be on the show.