Original subtitles

So that way, Corky, if the interview falls through, we can still use the

and just tack on a new opening.

Wow. That is great, Miles. That could save you a week's worth of work.

That's what I'm here for. Any other problems?

Yeah. I'm up to the chimney, and I'm running out of popsicle sticks. Could

guys lick a little faster?

Give me a break, Murph. My mouth is purple. I can't feel my teeth, and I

I've got a splinter in my tongue. Really, Murph, it's one thing to force

have the story meeting at your house. It's quite another to expect us to eat

weight in fudge bombs and fruity sticks.

Are you saying that the little popsicle stick community that Avery's preschool

class is building should go without its feminist bookstore?

Is that what you're saying?

Perfect. Couldn't you have just gone down to an art supply store and bought a

bag full of popsicle sticks?

Corky, the whole point of this project is for Avery not to just throw things

away, but learn how to reuse them.

Then shouldn't Avery be doing this? Oh, right. Like I'm going to let him eat all

this crap.

Hey, sweetie, what's the matter? Couldn't you sleep?

No, he's in my closet again.

Oh, no.

Well, I'm going to go get rid of him.

What does he think's in there, Murph?

Scar from The Lion King.

You pay $4 .50 for the movie, $20 for the tape, and you get to lose three

of sleep. I love Disney.

All right, Frank, I need you to help me, and you too, Jim. I'll be Nala, the

gentle lioness. Jim, you be Rafiki, the wise baboon. And Frank, you're Pumbaa.

Great, who's Pumbaa? The flatulent warthog.

Hold on a second. Isn't there some kind of fun -loving zebra or gorilla I could

play?

No, I see you as more of a Pumbaa.

You know, Miles,

I have to tell you, I've never seen you as in command as you were tonight.

Really?

Every time someone brought up a problem, you had the solution.

Every time someone had an idea, you made it better.

You were just amazing.

Now, Corky, the real heroes are the ones out there lying to Congress and

wrecking the environment.

Because without them, there'd be no news.

Remember how we agreed that we weren't going to sleep together until everything

seemed right between us? Uh -huh.

We didn't feel it would be right to introduce premarital sex into our

Not to rush you or anything, and I hope you don't think less of me for bringing

this up, but things really seem right between us.

So what would you think if I suggested we...

What? We, you know, explored the pleasures of the flesh.

Pleasures?

You mean you want to have sex?

Oh, God, you're right.

I'm sorry. It was too soon. Forget I ever even... No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no.

Hold on.

Let me...

Consider this.

I want to be fair.

You know, I could see some definite advantages to us having sex.

For instance, the sex itself we would be having.

And we are married. I would probably feel even more married afterwards.

I know I will.

Good.

Because all I've been able to think about tonight is kissing that sexy

executive producer in my office.

What do you say we go back to my place?

Put on some music?

I've got one of those CD players that, when it gets to the end of the disc,

starts all over again.

You know what I mean?

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't mean now.

No.

Our first time's gonna be a night we're gonna remember for the rest of our

lives. Like a movie we're gonna play over and over and over and over again.

Till we're both dead.

Of course it does. So, I'll get some flowers. We'll go out to dinner. Pour

ourselves a little bubbly.

No, no. I mean special.

Oh, special.

I didn't hear.

Don't you worry.

Because I am Mr.

Special. I told you to stick to the script, Frank, but no, you had to

mad Zulu witch doctor.

He seemed a little bored. I thought we were losing him. He was going to sleep.

I'm leaving. I want to be home before my stomach has to reckon with those frozen

corn dogs you passed out in the pot.

Unless you'd be getting home to Doris.

If I'm not in bed by the time Leno does his first Judge Ito joke, she locks me

out and then shows me what I could have had through the window.

Uh, no, I have some last -minute thoughts on Rippy's story.

Well, I guess it's goodnight, then.

Yeah. Goodnight.

I'll be thinking about you.

I'll be dreaming about you.

I'll be thinking and dreaming about you. Well, sounds like you've got a busy

night ahead of you. You better get moving.

Miles, it's late, I'm tired, and I still have to figure out how to make my

feminist bookstore wheelchair accessible.

I still haven't slept with Corky yet, and I really need some advice.

You still haven't slept?

Geez, no wonder you were fondling that throw pillow all night.

Oh, God, you think we're insane, don't you?

No, no.

No, I don't think you're insane. I mean, so many married couples just rush into

having sex today. I find it refreshing that there are still two people who are

willing to wait for the... What exactly are you waiting for?

That's just it. We're not waiting anymore. She wants to. I want to. We

I want to.

but just don't tell me about it. But I need advice.

Corky says she wants this night to be special, which apparently doesn't mean

dinner and flowers. So what do you think she means by special? Because if it's

some sort of physical thing, I'm good, but I'm not 19 anymore.

Oh, please, Miles. I don't like thinking about my coworkers having sex. It's

nothing personal. It just makes my flesh crawl. But Corky... Oh, there it goes.

Please, I am desperate for help.

I'm like a little orphan boy selling apples on the street corner.

Won't you buy some apples for me?

Won't you please?

I'd like to help you, Miles, but whenever I try to picture your night of

passion, all I can see is Jughead strutting around in nothing but a towel

that little felt crown.

Okay, fine.

I'll handle this myself. I'll just get her a gift.

Maybe some lingerie.

All right, let me put an end to this myth right now.

Lingerie is a gift men give to themselves.

But the women in the catalogs look so happy.

Of course they look happy. Kathy, if someone paid me $10 ,000 to sit around

my underwear all day, you couldn't blowtorch the smile off my face.

Okay. When Corfie said she didn't want flowers, she meant she wants flowers.

What the hell are flowers?

Flowers are those ugly, wilted things you buy on an off -ramp.

Flowers are some lilies in a crystal vase in an expensive hotel room.

Oh, okay. I hear you. So what you're saying is Corky might like a little

lingerie. No, no, it's not that difficult.

You just have to consider what a woman's tastes are. I mean, Corky would

probably like some tickets to the ice capades.

You want me to share my big night with a bunch of twirling guys in flesh

-colored unitards?

All right, all right.

Maybe it'll help if I don't picture you and Corky. Maybe if I think of a

romantic evening with you and...

Cindy Crawford.

No, that's not going to work.

Uh, maybe Corky and Antonio Banderas.

No.

Me and Antonio...

Murphy?

Murphy?

Empire Hotel, presidential suite, fattened sheets, chocolate -covered

strawberries, and start the evening with a nice deep shoulder rub. But not one

of those rub, rub, rub, oh, my hands are tired. A nice long massage.

Wow. Yeah, well, it's an expensive evening. But just remember that between

towels and the coat hangers, you're not just leaving with memories, but keep

sexual pleasure for life.

Good morning, Mrs. Sherwood Silverberg. Morning.

I think you'll find everything is in place for this evening. Correction, this

special evening.

And to get things started.

A flower stamp?

From the most perfect rose I've ever seen.

When I told it it was for you, it shed its petals from the embarrassment of

paling next to your beauty.

Do you like that?

It's a perfect phone.

Miles, you're not going to believe this.

Glenn Ramsey, former movie star of current Senate hopeful, can put his

day chances in a box and ship them off to ain't -gonna -happen land here of

Hart.

What? Ramsey was a shoo -in. Yeah, yeah, well, apparently the so -called family

man broke three basic rules.

One, don't have an affair with your children's nanny. Two, if you do, don't

leave dirty messages on her answering machine. And three, if you dump her,

tell her to go public. Ha! You never have the guts.

Glenn Ramsey, eh?

No, I never trusted him.

I mean...

Look at the man's career.

He ratted on John Wayne in Fighting Jarheads of Iwo Jima, sold out his

in Red Dogs at Dawn, dragged his superior officer in Hanoi, We Have a

Sure, some might say they're just movies, but you don't learn that kind of

at the Yale School of Drama.

Wow.

Shameful behavior, questionable ethics, blatant hypocrisy. Murphy, this story

has your name written all over it.

have to hear the tip i just got really what is it apparently glenn ramsey slept

with his kid's nanny and there are tapes can you believe it oh miles this is a

perfect story for me don't you think well i just i mean i interviewed him on

set of his last movie so he knows me and i even met the nanny now i know this is

the kind of story you usually give to murphy but i really think this would be

great opportunity for me don't you it could you think so too miles

It's like you're looking at me in a whole new light.

I mean, it makes me feel even more sure than ever about, you know... All right.

The door's yours.

Hey there, fellas.

Oh, Phil.

You remember my son, Phil Jr., don't you?

Well, the last time we saw you, you were reading comics and living upstairs at

your folks' house. Boy... It has been a while, hasn't it? Yeah, I moved out of

there a long time ago. Yep.

Living in the garage now.

Yeah, I'm teaching the kid the ropes. Hopefully someday he'll be able to take

over for me the way I took over for my dad.

Oh, um, yeah, that kind of reminds me. That whole employees must wash hands

thing, is that a part of family too?

Right, I'll be right back.

Oh, yeah.

I'm one proud papa.

Great. Just great. Sure, I've just done something suicidal, and there's no

possible escape from my impending doom, but why should I let that ruin my day?

Come on. It can't be that bad. I just gave the same story to Murphy and Corky.

God's sake, man. Run. Run.

You gave Murphy and Corky the same story? What the hell were you thinking?

first, Murphy came to me with the Ramsey story. Then, Corky came to me with the

Ramsey story. And, well, let me ask you something.

Do you think it's weird to be married and not have sex for three months? Of

course not.

Oh, you mean the first three months.

Well, Corky and I haven't. But we're supposed to. Tonight. For the first

But if I don't give Corky that story, she'll be so mad there's no way tonight

will ever happen. But if I take the story away from Murphy, she'll kill me.

got a solution, Miles. Now, it might seem a little radical. I am open to

anything, Frank. What's your idea?

Give the story to me.

Let me see if I understand this.

I give you the story, Corky and I don't have sex, and Murphy still kills me. No,

I don't think that's going to work.

Miles. God, I'm glad I found you. You better get back to the office. For some

deluded reason, Corky thinks she's been assigned my Ramsey story.

Two people on the same story? That's not the FYI way, is it, guys? No, it

certainly isn't.

get the idea?

Did you tell her something she could have misinterpreted? I don't know.

it's when she asked me if she could do the story and I said yes.

You told her that?

Are you nuts?

I'm sorry. It just sort of slipped out. Well, slip it back in. There's only one

person who's right for the story and she's not married to you.

But Corky has a lead on the tapes and I'll bet if you help her piece that

together, write the copy and edit it, she'll do a great job.

I know what this is all about.

This is a gift for Corky for your big prom date, isn't it?

Why? Just because I haven't had sex with my wife?

Ever? Well, just give me a little bit more credit, Pat.

Miles, this story is mine and you know it. Do you really want to carry around

that kind of guilt?

Especially tonight, when you want everything to function properly?

Oh, no.

Not that. Don't threaten me with that. Oh, I'm not threatening you. I'm just

suggesting that guilt can be debilitating.

Very debilitating.

Oh, all right. The story's yours.

Yes. All right. I'm going to get the tapes from Corky tomorrow, and I'm sure

everything will be fine tonight. Just remember, slow and steady wins the race.

Hey, buddy.

Get a load of this.

My dad tells me there's some guy in the bar, been married for three months,

hasn't had sex with his wife yet.

goes on and on and on and on.

It's a big sweet, Corky. You know, Miles, when I was a little girl, I

dreamed about spending a special night in the presidential suite of a hotel

feeding chocolate -covered strawberries to my handsome, Jewish, executive

producer.

Really? Okay.

Maybe it was my handsome Baptist Cadillac dealer husband, but what I'm

say is I am so lucky.

I have the perfect man.

I am working on the most exciting story of my career.

I just don't know how things could possibly get any better.

Oh, yeah.

Good fortune's got us in a chokehold.

Listen, Corky, I have something to tell you. Is it my imagination or are you a

little tense?

Oh, you are.

I think you need a little back rub.

They always warned us on the bus rides up to church camp that back rubs could

lead to front rubs.

But I want you to do it the right way.

Oh, yeah, that's really blessed. Anyway, quickie. Is that for me?

You shouldn't have.

Would two people from such different backgrounds be so exactly alike?

Um, fluoride?

Listen, uh, Corky, there's something I want to talk to you about. Well,

it is, it's just going to have to wait until I flip this on. You mean you're

actually going to wear it?

Well, I'd wear the tickets that I paid, but they wouldn't be as much fun to take

off now, would they?

Hi, Miles. Ooh, nice room.

Murphy, what are you doing?

the one who told the front desk to hold all calls. Glenn Ramsey has announced a

press conference.

Apparently, he's decided to actually go through with his candidacy. So I don't

have much time. I need to find out where Corky stashed those tapes.

Ooh, you naughty little boy. You got this one size too small.

Oh, God. You're gonna ruin everything. Quick, get in the closet. You get in the

closet.

Miles.

What's Murphy doing here?

Hey, you said special.

I really don't want to be here, so just give me the ranty tapes and I'll be on

my way. The tape?

Why do you want the tape?

My story.

It's my story.

Oh, Miles.

Hey, wrestling midgets on pay -per -view. Sounds like a plan.

What is going on? I think that's a champagne nugget.

Miles, I'm sorry to be bursting in on this most special occasion.

Don't be silly.

Come in.

Come in.

What are you guys doing here? I thought I told you to wait downstairs.

Murphy, how is it that even your most hurtful rebukes are as sweet as

wine?

Hey, Corky, congratulations on your nuptials.

The crew's working on getting you a gift.

But that's nice, too.

Look, Corky, I shouldn't be the one telling you this, but Miles assigned the

story to me, and I'm sure he was just about to tell you himself, because if he

doesn't, he's going to find out what it's like to plunge backwards out a

with Chief Lingerie wrapped around his neck. Not that it doesn't look great on

you. Miles, tonight may not be the night, but just for future reference,

sometimes I freelance for the camera.

Look, Miles, the press conference is in an hour. Can we decide who's going to do

this, or no one's going to get the story?

Yes, Miles, can we?

Yes, we can.

Okay.

The story goes to... Corky. Quick. Carl, open the window. Wait, wait. Where are

you going? You heard Murphy. The story's breaking. I've got to go now. Did I say

you had the story?

Oh, what a night.

I meant Murphy had the story. Thank you.

Miles, don't give Murphy the story just because you want me to stay.

Pick the person who you think will do the best job.

Corky, there's every reason you should do this piece.

You've got the tapes and you've interviewed Ramsey before.

That's right. But the bottom line is, this is more than just a story about the

unmaking of a candidate.

This is a case study of the open disrespect politicians have for the

people.

I'm sorry, honey, but I need Murphy on this one.

All right, then.

Murphy, the tapes are in the third drawer on the left in my desk.

Okay, guys, step lively. Party's over.

Corky, thank you. And I promise, next nanny -dating actor -politician sex

scandal that comes along, it's all yours.

You know, Murphy...

I've always fantasized that one day we'd have a room like this.

And for five beautiful minutes, we did.

You hate me, don't you?

No.

I always knew work would intrude on our private lives.

I just wish you'd been more upfront with me.

I'm sorry, Corky. I never meant for it to end up like this.

I know.

Even though I'm disappointed.

I do admire the way you stood your ground.

Really?

Well, I guess I should call you a cab or something.

Then again, room is ours for the night.

It'd be a shame to waste it.

You mean you want to stay?

In a million years, I never thought this night would end up this way.

Why not?

Well, after I gave the story to Murphy, I just assumed you wouldn't want to

sleep with me.

New rule. No more work talk.

Wait a minute.

You thought I wouldn't sleep with you unless you gave me the story?

Silly, huh?

And I think I was about to give you my goodies.

One thing's painfully clear.

We obviously don't know each other well enough to be sleeping together.

Corky, wait!

We can still feed each other strawberries.

Well, this sure has been a special night.