Original subtitles

Thank you.

to testify against me in exchange for immunity.

There you are.

You were supposed to be back in the Pentagon hours ago. What happened?

What happened? I'll tell you what happened. Murphy got us involved in a

chase. That's what happened. It wasn't a police chase. Sirens were blaring.

Lights were flashing. The motorcycle cop who was driving beside us was doing

this for half a mile. Oh, yeah, it was a police chase.

It was just a ticket.

Oh, Murphy. Hey.

This one I definitely did not deserve, and I intend to fight it, as I patiently

explained to Officer Dimwit that no right turn sign was totally ambiguous,

you'd have to be a goose -stepping, donut -munching moron not to realize it.

But you think he wrote you up anyway.

It was really very simple. You know the corner first in Magnolia?

Okay. So let's say Frank's pen is my car, and Jim, your mug is a bar hand.

now.

I was coming this way in this lane, but there was already somebody in that lane,

so I went around to this other lane. Now, even though the sign said you

turn from that lane, technically I wasn't in that lane, but I was in the

lane, which wasn't the lane you couldn't turn from, unless, of course, you were

turning from that lane to begin with. You see, it's very simple.

Save your breath, Murph. Look, you're a celebrity. All you have to do is make

one phone call, that ticket goes bye -bye.

Oh, no. I'm going to beat this ticket because I'm right. My being a celebrity

doesn't have anything to do with it. Murphy, being a celebrity always has...

had something to do with it. Remember the night Planet Hollywood opened, how

crowded it was?

All I had to do was show my face, and I got right in.

Sure, it felt bad, but it was snowing, and there was this huge line that must

have been five blocks long. Can you imagine?

It was 11 blocks, and yes, I can.

And you know that really popular restaurant, Cafe Milano?

Last night, I called them at 7, told them who I was. My tie was hanging in

there, Zesty Pudinesco sauce by 8.

I tried to take my Nana Silverberg to Cafe Milano for her 80th birthday.

They laughed, said I should have made reservations further in advance.

Now all my Nana has to do is live to 112.

I must confess that I, too, have used my fame on occasion. Just the other day, a

starry -eyed checkout clerk recognized me, and I wound up with three cans of

albacore tuna at last week's sale price.

I told Doris I paid full price, of course, and pocketed the cash.

I once tried to use a coupon that was two days past its expiration date. The

boy chased me out of the store and broke my egg.

Look, I admit celebrities occasionally get preferential free, but I myself have

taken advantage of that once or twice. Once or twice?

You're the only person I've ever met who can say, do you know who I am in 17

different languages.

Whatever. The point is, I'm right, the judge is going to see that, and my being

a celebrity is irrelevant and immaterial.

Ooh, I think I really have a knack for this legal stuff.

Hello, Kathy Milano?

I'd like to make a reservation for next week.

The name is Pitt.

Brad Pitt.

Still don't see why you need me for this.

Miles, you're my witness. You just have to tell the judge exactly everything you

saw. What I saw?

I saw my whole life pass before my eyes.

And that includes the time in the third grade when I took my pet hamster Squeaky

in for show and tell and he was eaten by the school snake.

For the next six hours, I had to watch the lump that was my best friend work

way down to the table.

Will you relax?

I probably won't even have to call on you. Look, I had the art department make

up this diagram.

Neat, huh? There's the intersection. There we are. And look, if you look

closely, you can practically see your little tiny fingernail holding onto the

dashboard.

Guilty. $50 fine.

Pay the bailer.

The next case is... Is this right?

Murphy Brown?

Right here, Your Honor.

Watch and learn.

Well, well.

It really is you.

Murphy Brown.

In my courtroom.

Just wait till I tell that old windbag, Judge Carter, down in Division 3. He

thinks he's so great because he had Marion Barry.

Thank you, Your Honor, but I... You know, the... wife and I watch you all

time. She just loves to see you nail all those corrupt politicians, and I like

to count how many faces I recognize from law school.

Well, now then, it says here that you're accused of making an illegal turn in a

posted intersection.

Now, how do you wish to plead?

One hundred percent not guilty, Your Honor.

So, you're saying you didn't make this illegal turn, is that correct?

No, actually, I did make the turn. What I'm saying is it wasn't illegal.

Do you know the corner at first in Magnolia?

Well, you see, I was in the left lane turning into the right lane. And even

though the sign says you couldn't turn from that lane, technically, I wasn't in

that lane. I was in the other lane, which wasn't the lane you couldn't turn

right from. Unless, of course, you started in that lane to begin with,

wasn't in. I have a little chart. That won't be necessary, Miss Brown. I think

understand well enough.

I knew you would, Your Honor.

Guilty.

Well, you did say you made the turn. But given the circumstances, I'll suspend

your sentence.

See the bailiff on your way out? Wait a minute. Did you say guilty? Because I am

definitely not guilty.

You see, you didn't get a chance to look at my little chart because if you had,

you would realize... Miss Brown, maybe you didn't understand.

I'm letting you off without a fine.

Some people think that's a good thing.

You know what? I have a witness, Miles Silverberg. He saw everything and he's

very reliable. He went to Harvard back when that meant something.

Miles, get up here. Okay. Sit down, Mr. Silverberg. Okay.

Miss Brown, I don't know why we're still talking about this. I found you guilty

with a suspended sentence.

But couldn't I be not guilty with a suspended sentence?

Miss Brown, would you approach the bench, please?

Look, I'm trying to help you out here.

Believe me, if it was anybody but you, I wouldn't be going so easy on you. I

don't want you to go easy on me. I just want a fair and just decision. And since

I was there and you weren't... Miss Brown, the case is closed. Murphy, he

the case. I think we should go now. Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no. I see what this is

about. You think that just because I'm famous, I don't care about things like

truth and justice and...

Yes, the American way. Well, let me tell you something, Judge. You can take your

favors and your special treatment.

Miss Brown, this is starting to sound like contempt.

Oh, she sounds that way with everyone. It's filthy personal, sir. Let's go.

Oh, no, oh, no. I'm not going anywhere until Judge, ooh, I'm so important, I'm

in traffic court here, starts dispensing justice and changes his ruling.

All right, you want me to change my ruling? I'll change my ruling. Finally.

Guilty. Contempt.

No suspended sentence, $500 fine, and 20 hours of community service.

No, you misunderstand.

I need to change the ruling the other way.

Okay.

Forty hours of community service.

Would you care to go for fifty? No, she wouldn't.

You can't do that. He can't do that. Can he do that? He can do that.

Let me tell you something, pal. You can kiss your dreams of small claims court

goodbye.

Murphy Brown!

It's Murphy Brown!

Oh, this is so exciting. I think it's just wonderful that a big celebrity like

you would volunteer at our little senior center.

Oh, well, it's nothing, really. I mean, what kind of world would this be if we

didn't give a little something back to our community once in a while?

I heard she had a run -in with the law.

Kill the man in the sleep, the poor bastard.

It was a traffic ticket, okay? It was a ticket, and one which I did not deserve.

You know the corner first in Magnolia?

I am in this lane, turning in... Now, now, people. I'm sure Ms. Brown didn't

come here to be pestered with our questions.

Hi, I'm Marlene Howard, volunteer coordinator.

Hi, Murphy Brown.

I know!

I couldn't believe it when I heard you were going to be volunteering with us.

Volunteering? Shit!

Actually, I'm not exactly volunteering. Oh, I know. I heard all about your legal

problems. But trust me, not all celebrities would be as responsible as

least you bothered to show up, which, from what I hear, is more than can be

for a certain smart -mouthed former member of the Partridge family.

Anyway, there's no reason why this has to be a difficult time for you. Why

we just sit you in front of the TV and put you in charge of channel changing?

Really? Is that a job around here?

Well, not usually, but you are Murphy Brown.

Well, let me stop you right there, Miss Howard. I mean, just because I'm a

celebrity doesn't mean I deserve special treatment. I would just like you to

treat me like everybody else, being unreasonably persecuted by a vicious and

ignorant judicial system.

That sounds awful.

Well, yeah, what can I say? Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Ooh, modeling clay.

Yes, we have quite a few accomplished artists here.

You know, I used to be pretty good at this stuff myself.

I spent six months working on that for my grandson.

Oh, I'm sorry. Look, maybe I can just...

There, that fixed it.

So, what's next?

I was just about to lead our sing -along. I don't suppose you'd be

Oh, I'm not one to brag, but I have been told I have a pretty decent singing

voice.

Really? All right.

Attention, everyone.

Our new helper, Murphy Brown, is going to lead our sing -along today.

Murphy.

All right. What, you have a question?

How long does it take to kill a man with your bare hands?

Want to find out?

Okay, everybody gather around.

Now, our song for today is...

Bicycle built for two.

Gee,

can't get enough of that one.

You know, I think we need something livelier, something more upbeat,

from the century.

The beach, Pocahontas.

This one is my son's favorite. It's a tape of Phil Graham explaining how he's

going to balance the budget.

Avery just loves fairy tales.

You all know respect, don't you? I know we don't get any from our kids, am I

right?

Why? Okay,

I tell you what. Why don't I sing the words, and when I point to you, you do

ooh, like this.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

All right, that's close enough. All right, everybody ready?

Okay.

is just great, Murphy, but I advise against getting the seniors too excited.

See, we still haven't fully recovered from our mall -walking competition

the Arlington Home for the Aging.

Anything I can do to help. What's next?

Well, I was just about to go over the list with our volunteers.

Let's see.

It's almost exercise time. Someone needs to set up the shuffleboard.

Oh, I'll do that. Oh, no, that's okay. I'll do that. And somebody like you

shouldn't have to lug around all that heavy equipment.

And then after exercise, it'll be time to eat. Who wants to serve lunch today?

can do that. Oh, don't be silly. We'll do it.

Sometimes they get a little opinionated about the food, and they like to make

their feelings known.

It's pudding day.

Look, I know everyone's trying to make things easier for me because I'm a

celebrity, but really, I don't need it. I just want to be treated like everybody

else. So I'll just do whatever's next on the list.

Well, that would be the whirlpool bath.

What is that, some sort of lifeguard duty, handing out towels sort of thing?

Actually, it's more of an upkeep thing.

You sure you want to do it? Yeah.

Okay, then, let's see.

You'll need this brush and these gloves.

Oh, and you'll need this.

We call it the hair stick.

Because we get a lot of hair in the drain.

Which is strange, because to look at them, they don't seem to have that much

it.

Is that, um, channel -changing thing still available?

There she is, our little angel of grace.

Okay, that's enough of that.

Murphy, I am so proud of you. You finally got to experience the true joy

giving freely of yourself, even if it did take a court order to get you to do

it.

So, come on, Murph. Tell us about this community service. What kind of stuff

they have you doing?

What kind of stuff?

Um, well, I guess you could say I was sort of the program director.

Well, well, well.

Look who's back.

Our little Mother Teresa in training.

Yes, if you don't mind, I'd really like to put all this community service stuff

behind me now. Unless you've done it yourself, you really have no idea what

like. Oh, I think I do. A very good idea. Join me in your office, won't you?

Come.

Come.

came out a few hours ago.

It's already been picked up by every major wire server.

Well -known FYI anchor, Murphy Brown, sentenced recently to community service

a local senior center for a criminal violation, reportedly demanded and

preferential treatment.

I don't believe this.

Sources at the senior center say he was given only token work assignments and

failed to perform even those minimal duties.

Hey. All I'm saying is, is I didn't see her do much actual work. You know what

I'm saying?

Who was that guy? Who the hell was he? I never saw him there.

All she had to do was, like, sit on the couch and work the channel changer on

the TV. And I don't even think she did that much.

Because, I mean, I walked by her a bunch of times, and, well, for a bony lady,

she got a really wicked snort.

Turn that thing off.

It's big, Murphy, and getting bigger.

The Post called asking for a statement.

Nightline wants you on a panel with Dana Plato and Hugh Grant.

And word is, Letterman already had seven of a top ten list about you.

And they're all funny.

Well, this really stinks.

First, I don't give in to my celebrity status, and I get screwed, and then I

give in to it, and I still get screwed. Well, the bottom line is, I did my time.

All 40 hours of it. And if you don't believe me, smell my hair.

Bengay, it gets into everything.

Come on, Murph. Now, anyone can see that that story was blown way out of

proportion. I'm sure what you did was much tougher than he made it sound.

So, do you want me to get you some ice for your clicking fingers?

Maybe you can come by the house this evening and help Doris and me use our

electric garage door opener.

I'm glad you're all enjoying this.

Unfortunately, a certain judge didn't find it quite so amusing.

He wants you back in his courtroom as soon as possible to answer what he calls

these serious charges.

You've got to be kidding.

And to think, you could have gotten off with just as it's been at the Senate.

Really, Murph, you keep this up, you could wind up getting the chair.

If only.

But the network doesn't want this to turn into a bigger publicity problem

it already has, so they've assigned you legal counsel.

Don't worry, Miles. That won't be necessary. I've learned my lesson.

My brilliant argument, that stupid little chart. Oh, no. This time I'm

do things very differently. Glad to hear it. I need photographs and maybe some

kind of overhead projector and a pointer.

Yeah, I need a pointer. Murphy, no photographs, no projector, no nothing.

You are just going to sit there quietly and let your legal counsel handle

everything. Understood?

Yes.

But I still get to use the pointer, right? No!

But doesn't that sort of defeat the whole purpose of the overhead projector?

had a deal. No talking. No talking means no talking. It also means no shouting,

no swearing, and no spitting at Deborah Norville on the way into the courtroom.

I had gum. The gum had to go somewhere.

Ah, Miss Brown, welcome. On behalf of your whole legal team, I just want to

what a pleasure it is to represent you here today.

Team? I have a team?

The best your network's money can buy.

Anyway, we're going to get started soon, Miss Brown, and we're right through

here.

Hi, Miss Brown.

Now, I'm sure that this can't be easy for you.

And we all know how stressful these things can be, especially with all this

media attention.

And believe me, we're as annoyed by all of this as you. But we've got everything

under control, so I just want you to take a seat, leave everything to us.

Look, I know you guys have this all figured out, and I don't want to tell

how to do your job, but if this ever gets back to my ticket, I have a chart

in my car.

We all agree, right? We open with the First Amendment issue. She's a

Freedom of the press. Chilling effect on the media. Blah, blah, blah.

There's a First Amendment issue? No, I think we should get right to our attack.

We show that the guy who pulled her over is nothing but a rogue cop on the tape.

By the time we get through with him, the only tickets he'll be handing out will

be the super lotto at the 7 -Eleven.

Wait a minute. He was kind of a moron, but isn't rogue cop a little insane? No,

no, no. I still say they're taking down that kid, Jimmy, from the senior center.

That's our key. I mean, even if he testifies that he saw Murphy slacking

got a dozen people that'll swear that he's a car thief and a pot smoker.

And with him, of course, there's the whole race issue. What race issue? He's

white.

Exactly.

Wait a minute here. I don't know about all this. I mean, the truth is, maybe I

did slack off a little. Did you hear anything?

Not me.

And all I'm saying is that I didn't really offer... No, no, no, no, no, no,

no. All right.

Well, well, I see we have quite a full house here today. I really wasn't

expecting this.

We've got a lot of ground to cover, so let's get down to business, shall we?

Do you have an opening statement?

Yes, Your Honor. Thank you, thank you.

Your Honor, this case is about nothing less than the vicious slander of a

national treasure, Murphy Brown.

This is a woman with an unparalleled reputation.

It's a woman that Edward R. Murrow called, and I quote, the quintessence of

journalistic integrity.

Edward R. Murrow? He died when I was in high school.

Well, then he can't deny it, can he?

A woman who dozens of witnesses will show, Your Honor, is merely the innocent

victim of a vast conspiracy to deal a body blow to the First Amendment.

Conspiracy? Body blow?

I know.

He's good.

A woman who has come before you today, Your Honor, to answer charges by

individuals who may appear on the surface to be decent, law -abiding

but who we will prove are nothing but...

low -life drug addicts, and senile Medicare scam artists.

Do you have something to say?

Yes, Your Honor. Yes, I do. What are you doing?

Let's face it, Judge. We wouldn't be here right now if I weren't a celebrity.

But the fact is, I am a celebrity, and people treat me differently.

Sometimes it means I get to board an airplane early or get great tickets to

theater. But it also means I can't walk into a drugstore without people saying,

Oh, look, isn't that Murphy Brown buying pantyhose with extra tummy control?

Hypothetically speaking.

There is a point to all this, isn't there, Ms. Brown?

Yes, Your Honor. Yes, there is.

What do you say we forget about the celebrity and the fancy lawyers and all

media attention and treat this as if it were just any other case?

I am ready to accept justice, Your Honor. Whatever your ruling, I will

it. Now, if memory serves me correctly, we were talking about a suspended

sentence of consortium.

Now, I see.

So you're saying you want to be treated just like anybody else in this

situation. Yes, Your Honor.

Yes, I am.

It's incredibly simple.

We're going to the corner at first in Magnolia, right?

Okay, let's say my car is this potato chip bag here, and my guy's car is this

shoe. And here, this guy is in front of me.