Original subtitles

Are you mad enough? Big and bad enough?

Are you gonna let them shoot you down?

When the evil fly and your brother cry Are you gonna be around?

Someone needs a friend

Forget the Humvee hunk. Make way for Knife Guy.

Oh, hey, now, now, come on. I'm just doing my job like any other reporter

superhuman ability.

That guy was a killer, Frank. Weren't you afraid that judo move of yours

work? It might just make him madder. Here is the enemy, Corky.

Hesitation kills.

When I felt that cold steel blade against my jugular, bam, I reacted.

I wish I had your nerves, old man.

The other night outside the A &P, I felt a piece of hard metal jab me in the

back.

I'd already handed over my wallet, was in the process of begging for my life

when I realized I was being mugged by an errant shopping cart.

I gotta add to you, Frank, this is the closest call you've ever had. I would

it right up there with the time you flipped off John Gotti on the Long

Express.

Oh, you know, it just goes with the territory.

Hey, Murph, uh, get a second. I want to talk to you. Oh, sure.

It is now Frank Fontana, 89, Grim Reaper, nada.

Oh, God, I thought he was going to kill me.

If that stupid judo move hadn't worked, I'd be dead now.

What happened to Frank Fontana, 89, Grim Reaper, nada?

Look, it doesn't matter how much of a lead you have, the Grim Reaper only

one run.

And not even a run, just a little dribbler up the middle or a well -played

Oh, come on. Frank the Grim Reaper didn't even make it to home plate. In

he barely got off a few swings in the on -deck circle. And didn't I tell you I

don't want to get sucked into any more of your baseball metaphors? Okay.

So I didn't die this time, but it has been 17 years of close calls. I don't

if I can do it anymore.

You said the same thing when you tried the sushi platter at Phil's, and that

practically had the word tainted written on the menu. But you got back up on

that horse.

I'm serious this time.

You really are.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know, I don't know. But, you know, I'm just going to slow down a

you know, danger story -wise, until I have this figured out.

Hello.

Oh, yeah, he's right here. It's Lansing for you. Oh, man, I do not want to talk

to him now. I'm still shaking. I'll probably say something stupid.

And you know what a head case he can be.

Frank, he's not on hold.

Stan, hi. I'm so sorry about calling you a head kiss. You know, I really

meant... You didn't hear that.

So what's up, Stan?

Uh, dinner tonight at your club.

Great! What a thrill.

What a nightmare!

Well, the dinner with Lansing, I can hear him now.

Fontana, you're using a salad fork to eat shrimp?

Why don't you just shove your face in a cocktail sauce and bob forward?

Perfect time to talk to Lansing about doing less risky stories.

I mean, you get him a belly full of food, you get him to knock back a couple

martinis. How do you think I got Andy Rooney banned from the commissary? Do

think that happened by accident?

No, Murph, maybe you're right.

I'm going to do it.

Good. Let me know how it goes.

What? You're not coming with me? I can't. I've got a ton of research to get

through tonight.

Murph, I can't do this alone. Remember the company barbecue of 87?

Oh, the one where you spit the watermelon seed in Lansing's eye? Come

that was an accident. That could have happened to anybody.

At least you weren't that poor fool who went running to get a damp towel and

knocked over the grill, burning down the entire west wing of the house.

Pick me up at six.

For every parent who's ever... Murph, do you think this thing's

still noticeable?

Uh, no, not...

now that your attention's drawn to that enormous wet spot surrounding it.

Oh, relax, Frank. I told you, just tell Lansing what you told me. Oh, you're

right. It's just I'm really nervous.

I mean, we are at Lansing's private club. Do you realize what a rare honor

is? No, no, no, sweetheart.

You didn't find a little plate of money.

That's why the attendant in the ladies' room ripped it right out of your little

fist.

Murphy, Frank, welcome to my club.

People ask why we keep this a restricted club.

Sweetheart, don't look at other people's jewelry.

Sit, sit, sit.

This is my friend Raquel.

She's an actress.

Stan says he's going to get me an audition on Northern Exposure.

Northern Exposure? Wasn't that the show that was taken off...

What do you think, Frank? A beautiful place, dear. Oh, this is really great.

Thanks for inviting me. And it's nice to see you always, Murphy. Thank you,

Stan. It's good to see you, too. Except now, because I want to talk to Frank.

So why don't you and Raquel have a little conversation? I'm sure you have

much in common.

Frank, have a cigar.

They're Cuban.

Oh, thanks.

But aren't these illegal?

What, are you a cop?

Now, about your last story. It was fantastic.

You know, the guy, the knife, your nerves of steel.

You know, speaking of nerves of steel, wasn't there something you wanted to

Oh, right.

Thanks, Murph.

Dad, I'm really glad that you enjoyed last week's story. Wait, wait, what

enjoyed? I was riveted. I can't remember the last time I was so riveted. I mean,

the first moon landing, I glanced at.

But you riveted me.

That means a lot.

Of course it does.

That one.

Now, tell me about your next story. I'm working on a report about bank

employees who embezzle. Huh?

That's kind of a sissy story, isn't it, my friend?

Well, you know, sure, it's no... Could you define...

50 stories.

You know, Stan, I think what Frank means is that while this story doesn't have

the pulse -pounding action of last week's story, it does expose massive

corruption in the financial community and could lead to worldwide

Raquel, why don't you tell Murphy about the time you met David Hasselhoff?

Now what your crappy little bank story needs is some pizzazz.

How about if you go undercover?

as a bank guard in a high -crime neighborhood.

I see danger. I see gunplay. I see men with pantyhose on their heads.

You know, Ted, I for one would like to see Frank backing off of those overdone,

repetitious action stories. I mean, who here wouldn't like to see him branch

into another direction?

What other direction? I'm talking interesting.

The only other direction is not interesting.

Well, I think Frank disagrees with you on that, don't you, Frank? No, I love

What? I love it. the bank robbery story. I knew you would. You ought to know

why. Because we're cut from the same cloth.

Only mine doesn't have a big wit spot on it.

Frank, wasn't there something else you wanted to say?

Yeah.

Don't you think you're being a little rude to Raquel?

Frank, try the wine.

It's bold, like you.

I guess I do have my moments.

Yes, you do.

And I'm picturing a whole new niche for you.

Felis Frank Fontana.

Danger guy.

I was trying to work the word knife in there, but nothing scary rhymes.

How about idiot?

Now, picture this. One week, you're infiltrating a street gang.

The next...

You're on top of an underground subway car hanging on for dear life.

A police or runaway subway car? Where's the news value in that?

You know how young people always imitate dangerous things they see in the

movies. I'll be showing them that it's a really bad idea.

We'd be saving lives.

I got it. Frank, do you know how to fly a plane?

No. Even better.

For your information tonight, Frank Fontana reports on hate crimes by

the ten things most likely to incite a skinhead.

I can't find Frank, but I guess I can ask him about this requisition slip for

cannon later.

Have you tried his tailor? I hear he's being fitted for a cape.

Maybe you should check Lansing's lower intestine because Frank might have

crawled up there by then.

Now, come on, people.

What's the new policy?

No Frank bashing at the workplace.

That's right. Now, Corky, what are you working on?

I was thinking about doing a story on the Everglades.

Oh, good. You mean like disappearing wetlands, encroaching development,

vanishing wildlife?

Actually, I thought I might set myself on fire and wrestle a live alligator.

Well, I was going to set myself on fire for my interview with Yasser Arafat.

Jim, how's your commentary coming?

Swimmingly. I'll be discussing the debilitating effects of poverty on

contemporary society.

Great. Then I'll catch a bullet with my teeth.

Hi, guys. Hi, Louise.

Sorry I'm late.

Autograph.

Are you limping?

No, I'm swaggering.

Your right leg's swaggering, Frank. Your left leg's dragging behind you like a

piece of dead meat.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, who wants to buy old fearless Frank a cup of coffee?

Okay, who would like to pour?

old fearless Frank Hepcock.

Since no one else will say it, I will. Frank, you've got to stop this

foolishness. It is not foolishness.

I take that as a claim. Oh.

Frank, Frank, your stories are reckless and stupid.

They are not.

Dan says that my stories have a lot of journalistic value.

Oh, yeah? Like when you poked at a hive of killer bees with a stick?

Dan says that killer bees are misunderstood. They don't really kill

Although after the first 500 stings, you sort of wish they did.

Frank, let me tell you a little story.

It's about a childhood friend who had a thrill -seeking thing.

He used to play chicken with hot rods. He'd lie down on railroad tracks.

He even worked as a rodeo clown.

No experience.

Daredevil Dan, we used to call him.

Of course, now he goes by another name. What's that?

No brainstem activity, Dan.

An unwieldy nickname, I grant you, but medically accurate.

Stan says, I suppose if Stan told you to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, you'd do

that, too. No!

I couldn't get a permit. Oh!

You know what? I know.

I really... You can't stand the idea that I'm the big star on the show now.

Gee, Frank, it's like you're inside my head.

You know what else I think? You want me to be frightened and helpless so that

you can feel needed. Well, you know what?

Frank Fontana does not need your help.

You know, at least Lansing is supportive.

Oh, please. Lansing's not being supportive. He just wants you to keep

yourself for ratings. That's not true.

Maybe it was at first, but I think our friendship has evolved to the point

he really doesn't want to see me killed.

Frank, our friendship hasn't evolved to that point.

Hello, FYI.

Where's my danger guy?

There you are.

I like that swagger.

But, Frank, I've been doing a lot... of thinking about your stories, and I'm

afraid to say they lost a little bit of their pizzazz. Oh, so do you want me to

stop doing them? No.

I want you to start doing them live.

Live? Yeah, live.

Your stunts are taped.

The audience knows you survived.

If you didn't survive, we wouldn't air them.

We probably wouldn't air them.

How's this for your first live stunt?

The human fly.

You climb up the side of a building with suction cups on your hands.

Why?

Suddenly you need a reason why.

Here's a reason. Because it's live.

That sounds great, Stan.

I'd be having safety ropes and stuff like that, right? What rope? People tune

to see if you die, not if you're dangled.

Who the hell cares about a life or dangle situation?

What? You ain't never ridged us.

Now he's jumping off the side of our building. This time Frank has definitely

gone too far.

They expect Frank to hit that from 150 feet up? He's not going to make it. I

know. He's been to my house. He's used my bathroom.

His aim is just not that good.

I never thought I'd be seeing this, Miles, but what was wrong with the human

fly? Lansing figured people would be tuning in to see Frank fall, so he

to cut the dull climbing part and just skip right to the chase.

I'm late, Miles, but I remember that tonight was Frank's big jump, so I had

move my car across the street.

That's all you have to say? Your best friend's about to splatter his guts all

over the pavement, and all you're worried about is moving your car?

I guess you're right, Corky. You should have put the cover on, too. You know,

Murphy, we spent the last half hour trying to talk him out of this

Can't you put aside your differences and help the poor boob? Hey, I tried, but

he made it very clear he didn't want my help so far, so I'm concerned he's made

his own bed, and now he's got to try to land on it.

All right.

Remember, when you hear that dull, squishy thud outside, try to act like

professionals, okay?

There we go. In five, four, three, two... Good evening, and welcome to

FYI. For your information tonight, Murphy Brown interviews Stephen Hawking

satellite. Corky Sherwood uncovers steroid use at a frog -jumping contest

story entitled Hop, Hop, You're Hopped Up.

And in our final segment, fearless Frank Fontana.

jumps out of our building into a big bag behind me to enlighten you, our

audience, about such things.

But first, let's check in on Frank with our remote hookup. Frank, how are you

doing up there?

Oh, the course wheels are a little stronger than I expected, Jim.

But I'm still pretty sure I can hit it on the first try.

Well, Jim, we hope so.

Yes, it's really going to happen.

It's going to be jumping very, very soon.

Well, uh, Frank, I guess, uh, I guess you're all set? No second thoughts?

None! None whatsoever, Jim!

Just one question!

Isn't that what I'm supposed to land on?

It's that big blue thing down there, right?

Actually, it's the yellow thing. The blue thing, I believe, is the truck that

delivered it.

Next, Corky Sherwood takes a look at a frog jumping contest.

Wart and all.

Corky?

Thanks, Jim.

To the uninitiated, a frog jumping contest may seem like good family fun,

the truth is very different.

Where are you going? We're in the middle of a show.

Talk to Lansing and say Frank's worthless butt. Now? You had all week to

Frank's worthless butt.

Okay, Stan.

Look, Frank's going to jump.

He doesn't want to do it, but he won't admit it because he wants your approval.

So tell him you won't think less of him if he backs down, because if Frank

jumps, he's going to get himself killed.

That's tonight?

God bless you, Murphy. I almost missed it.

Stan, did you hear a word I said?

Yeah, Frank jumped, killed.

Why is Sherwood holding up a fat frog?

You can't let Frank do this. Why not? He loves doing it. He's the danger guy.

Aren't you on that show?

Look, Stan, I'm not leaving here until you agree to do something about Frank.

unless you're comfortable with another 40 minutes of Corky talking to a toad...

All right, all right.

If I used to have to do this manually, I got a hernia during sweeps.

Holy,

look how high up we are.

Hiya, Frank.

You're not going to wish that on me, are you? I don't think so.

Good. See, your worries are unfounded. He's up there happy.

Why are you wearing a helmet? I didn't say anything about a helmet.

He's going to fall 150 feet. He thinks a helmet's going to save him.

Okay, Frank, listen up. I don't have much time.

Either you plummet to your death and get UPS back to your parents in a bottle,

or you admit you're scared and we call this whole thing off. So what's it going

to be?

I'm not scared.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

Okay, fine.

Plumb it away.

All right, I'm scared.

You, the danger guy, scared?

Well, a little.

But only because if I do this, I'm going to die.

You got a helmet.

All right, this is so twisted.

Your father didn't play catch with you when you were 10, so to make up for it,

you're going to jump 100 feet. 150 feet onto a giant wet nap?

What are you saying?

He thinks I'm his daddy?

I mean, he's 50 years old. If he's a day, that's very sick, Murphy.

None of this is true, is it, Fontana?

Well, it was sort of a recurring theme when I was in therapy, so I guess it's

possible.

This is what you wanted when you were doing this stunt. You were so happy.

You didn't say anything. I was waiting for you to draw the line.

Waiting for me? Oh, sure, that's going to happen. Frank, you're giving me a 42

share. Please stop.

Oh, stare at me like that, Murphy.

You'll look like Jiminy Cricket.

I'm not an ogre.

All right, Frank, you don't have to jump.

Really, Stan?

Okay, I'm not jumping.

Shut up, Jeff. We've been promoting this for a whole week.

What, are you going to go back to take over Sherwood's spot? Would you look at

her? She is still talking to the damn phone.

I just want to do the kind of stories I used to.

They were dangerous, too.

Yeah, but they were real news stories. The danger had a point.

Will you shut up? He's this close.

Stan?

All right, Fontana. Fine.

You win. If you don't want to jump, you don't have to jump.

But what if your daddy really wanted you to do it?

I still don't think I'd do it.

All right, don't jump, you big baby.

You did a good thing, Stan.

Well, I better be getting back to the studio considering Corky's frog story

should have been over five minutes ago.

Thanks, Murphy.

You know... Well, Fontana, for what it's worth, I really respect your choice not

to jump.

Really, Stan?

Absolutely.

Here, have a cigar.

Thanks, Stan. You should have paid more attention with your father.

Cutting short the career of a once promising tadpole.

Up next, Frank Fontana and his mystifying leaps.

It's something you won't...