Original subtitles

Miles, give me your strength, man.

Our show, The Next Wave, it's gone.

Canceled. Finito.

Gone.

I know.

And you're not devastated?

Not really. Running two shows was starting to wear me down.

Great. I was just carrying on for your benefit.

You know, I get paid the same way to my butts behind an anchor desk in D .C. or

on a beach chair in Cabo.

Hey, Corky.

You should try the Caymans.

That's where Corky and I got married.

Been there, done that, bought the soundtrack.

No, I'm looking to... Rewind.

You and Corky are married?

Uh -huh.

Well, Corky, I don't get it. You won't sleep with me, but you go and hit the

sheets with mine?

Oh, Miller, don't take it personally.

I'm not sleeping with him either.

You know, we really don't have to advertise that to everybody.

So you're married, but you're not sleeping together.

Boy, Miles, I got to not have sex with her, and all I had to do was buy her

dinner.

Frank, I walked into the bookstore, and there it was. A floor -to -ceiling

pyramid of Newt Gingrich books. Sounds like a nightmare.

No, no, no. It wasn't, actually, because if you yank just the right one, you can

make the whole thing come crashing down and wipe out a Rush Limbaugh book

signing to boot.

Hello, FYI.

Hello. Mr.

Lansing. You all know my nephew, Andrew.

Hello, FYI.

So, Mr. Lansing, what brings you down to our chief to produce yet very

respectably rated news magazine?

Well, I have an official announcement to make. As of today, you will all be

reporting to young Andrew here.

He is my new vice president of current affairs.

Affairs, huh, Stan?

Yours or the network's?

Was that some sly pun about the alleged infidelities that ripped apart my

marriage, Fontana?

Well, was it, Fontana?

Because I find it amusing.

I mean, who likes a man who can't laugh at himself?

That was a good one, Frankie. It gave us all a nice big chuckle.

Never touch them.

Since he was handpicked by me, I'm sure you will all treat him with the respect

that he deserves.

Jim! Yes, Stan?

Nothing, I just couldn't remember your name there for a second.

Andrews, give him hell! Whatever you say, Uncle Stan.

Well, it must be a little bit odd for you people to have me as your boss.

Really? I don't see why.

Well, when I worked here before as Miss Brown's secretary, you all hated me.

Frank even thought I tried to kill him.

Miss Brown!

Hello, Andrew.

Quite the quick ride up the corporate ladder, I see. Oh, thank you, Miss

But I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. And, of course, my uncle's

shameless nepotism.

I assure you, though, your kindness will not go unrewarded. If you'll take a

peek into your office, I think you'll be pleased at what you see.

Okay.

Maria Shriver's not bound and gagged in there or anything, is she?

Would you like her to be? No.

Checking.

Andrew. A new computer with CD -ROM and a color laser printer.

So that's what was in those big boxes.

I am impressed.

I'm nearly trying to repay a debt.

I only hope I can do it within my lifetime.

Hmm, I wonder who those could be for.

Say, Andrew, I was thinking maybe you and I should do lunch one of these days.

You know, just get reacquainted.

Lunch. That's cute, Frankie.

Real cute.

For every parent who's ever... Oh, great. Just put it right there between

espresso machine and the hydro foot massager 2000.

Andrew gave you a foot massager? Yep, an electric one with tiny vibrating knobs

that make the world disappear with the flick of a switch.

Boy, isn't it great to have a friend upstairs?

Andrew is not a friend.

Andrew is a spawn.

A spawn from the fiery bowels of hell.

Shave that weird little hat of his and you know you'll find a 666 on it

somewhere.

I wonder what you all are. You're... You're cynics. Always looking for the

in people. Me, I'm... I'm an optimist. I just see the best in everyone.

You've been using that foot lube as you haven't, you know.

Yeah, I have.

Miss Brown, may I have a word? Oh, Andrew, listen. Thank you for the gifts.

Especially the Hydro 2000.

Oh, aren't those vibrating knobs just heaven?

Andrew, what was it you wanted to say? Because I already left a message with

your secretary.

I'm size 8 in Armani, emeralds bring out my eyes, and I've been to Paris, but

I'd love to go back.

Actually, Miss Brown, it pains me to even hear these words leave my mouth,

have a huge, huge favor to ask you. Here it comes. Payback time.

You know, Frank, there's a bureau job opening in one of those crazy Middle

Eastern countries.

Interested?

As I was saying, Miss Brown, I have a favor to ask you, but the word no even

crosses your lips and this whole thing is deader than disco.

My uncle wants to launch another news hour and he wants you on it.

He wants me to do a second show?

Oh, I know. Who needs the headache?

I mean, sure, Dan Rather does it. Diane Sawyer and a dozen people much less

talented than you. I mean, here's their talent.

And here's your talent.

Let's face it, this type of long -form documentary -style journalism went out

years ago.

Long -form documentary?

Hmm, that's interesting.

Of course, that would be a lot of work.

Hmm, that's what I told Uncle Stan.

But then I got to thinking, maybe we could pair you with someone.

But who?

Who would have the kind of stature to share a desk with you?

Well, it is a sparse field when you look at it.

Of course, the name Cronkite came to mind.

Cronkite?

Trust me, Andrew, the chances of Cronkite returning to this network are

great as Pat Buchanan twirling the baton at a gay pride parade.

Well, then he must have been lying when he said to my uncle he would love to

work with you.

He said that?

Really?

But what am I thinking? If you're worried about too much responsibility,

getting stuck with some wrinkled -up old has -been going to help? Actually, if

you're looking for someone to do a show with Cronkite... I'm sorry. Were we

having a conversation?

You know, Andrew, it is asking an awful lot of me. And I

mean an awful lot. But I just might be able to help you out and be part of

Brown Cronkite Report.

Don't tease me.

I'm not.

Don't tease me.

I'll do it, Andrew.

Oh, there must be an angel missing in heaven, Miss Brown, because you are here

on Earth.

How can I ever thank you?

Um, well, there is the shiatsu thing I saw in a catalog. It will be in your

office tomorrow. Oh, my uncle will be so pleased.

Let's see what those other vice presidents had to write about me in the

executive washroom now, dirty -mouthed little cowards.

Miss Brown, hi.

Andrew?

Listen, there's a slight problem with Walter.

Oh, well, he wouldn't go for the title, huh?

Well, that's no biggie.

I can live with the crime. Kite Brown reported by now, too.

Actually, Miss Brown, he backed out.

What?

Walter backed out?

Oh, I know I've let you down, Miss Brown, but I have already conducted an

exhaustive search for a replacement, and I think we can consider ourselves

lucky. Yeah?

Extremely lucky.

Well, so who are we talking about here? Mike Wallace?

Uh, unavailable.

Ed Bradley?

Contract problem.

Connie Trump?

Not quite ready to do the pairing thing again.

Who'd you guess?

Hey there, anchor buddy.

You've got to be kidding.

Okay, I know this isn't exactly what we discussed, but Uncle Stan really wants

this to happen. Well, then he better call the show 60 Seconds, because that's

about how long it'll take for me to kill Blondie here.

You know, if she doesn't want to do the show with me, I don't want to do the

show with her.

Hey, listen, why don't you team me with one of those sexy headline news chicks?

Or what about that glib guy from French? He's good.

Why don't you go buy yourself a candy bar?

Sorry, but you don't get rid of Miller Redfield that easily.

Here's a dollar.

Okay, then.

So what I'm hearing is you won't even consider doing a show with Miller. Not

even if the show involved whacking him with a stick.

Well, that's clear, and all I can say is thank God.

Why? I told Uncle Stan this was a bad idea, but it's like he was crazy.

I'm afraid for my Uncle Miss Brown.

He's old.

Sometimes he talks, and there's no one there.

Are you saying Stan's senile?

Shh.

Stockholders.

Truth be told, Miss Brown, my loyalties are with you. You, you, you.

And if that means calling my uncle and interrupting his vacation, then so be

Bartender, bring me a phone!

I'm sorry, Sonny.

You must be confusing me with someone who doesn't have a bat with a spike in

behind his bar.

May I borrow the phone, please, sir?

Of course.

Hello, Honolulu Hilton?

Yes. Room 617, please.

Mahalo.

Uncle Stan?

Yes, it's Andrew.

Oh, I'm sorry to have woken you, sir.

Yes, my mother taught me how to tell time.

Listen, I'm here with Murphy, and I've just run the Redfield scenario by her,

and I'm afraid it's a no -go.

I know it's important to you, sir, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to fight

with her on this one.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Excellent. Well, I think that's the way to go.

Well, that sounded good. So what did he say? He says if you don't do it, I'm

fired.

Where is he? Where is he? Did I miss Cronkite? We all missed him, Frank. He's

not doing the show.

Lansing wants to replace him with Miller.

It went from Cronkite to Miller?

Man, Max thinks it sounded like such a great opportunity.

It certainly did.

But she can't do a show with Miller. I mean, Miller's talent is here.

And Murphy's talent is here.

You know, you put the two of them together, she would blow him right off

set. And where would that leave her?

Starring in a whole news hour all by herself.

What are you saying, Frank? That this might actually be a blessing in

Could be.

Really? You think so?

It would be pretty amazing, Murph.

Miller self -destructs, and you know he will. You'll have your own show.

Hmm. The Murphy Brown Report.

It says smart, incisive, essential viewing.

It sort of does, doesn't it?

Too bad it will never happen. Why not?

Oh, please.

I wouldn't let you debase yourself by appearing with that puff pastry.

Not even for the four or three or even one show it would take to prove to my

uncle that you would be better off without Miller.

A show? Ha!

I'd be surprised if we even got through the first rehearsal.

In fact, this might be the thing that finally drives that nitwit off the

network. Ooh, how devilishly clever.

You're giving me chills.

Call your uncle, Andrew. Tell him I'll do it. Thank you, Miss Brown. Your

kindness leaves me speechless. I would kiss you if I wasn't convinced it would

be horribly uncomfortable for both of us. It would, wouldn't it?

I thought so.

In an ongoing effort. I told you, Miss Brown, this walkthrough might be a tad

premature. We go on the air in two days, Andrew. Don't you think I ought to see

the set? Of course you should.

Would you stop all the noise, please? Miss Brown wants to see the set.

Now, we start the show right here with you and Miller doing intros behind a

couple of podiums. I wouldn't nail his to the floor, if you know what I mean.

Hey, be careful, you oafs. That's a $6 ,000 sofa.

I got it for four.

A sofa on a hard news show?

I know, it's not the conventional choice, but it does make the viewer feel

home. It says, hello, welcome to our show.

Won't you sit down and make yourself comfortable?

Mr. Lansing, here's the copy for Miller's segment on the hot new comedies

CBS. Isn't that sort of blatantly self -promotional?

Oh, no.

It's a very critical look at the hot new comedies on CBS.

Now, here's something I think you'll really like, and what's this?

Tough trivia of our times? I don't remember discussing this.

Well, it's a last -minute edition.

You and Miller ask the audience hard questions about the news.

Who won the 1980 election?

Reagan. When the scandal brought down the Nixon administration?

Watergate. Who won World War II?

We did.

Who wrote these questions? Forrest Gump?

Well, the audience won't have the answers right in front of them.

Besides, research shows that people feel happy and smart when they can answer

questions correctly.

Research shows people like free money and public executions, but that doesn't

mean we have to give it to them.

Besides, wouldn't it be a little jarring going from all these puff pieces to my

indictment of the lack of health care for low -income families?

Well, there are those who thought that your piece sounded like a bit of a

downer, so we're going to change it to show number two or three.

What? I worked like hell on that piece. I can't find another half -hour story by

our air date.

Not to worry, we've got a great solution.

An in -depth interview with... Linda Carter!

Linda Carter?

Linda Wonder Woman Carter?

I am not happy, Andrew.

I'm definitely not happy.

Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

What the hell is this?

They're our costumes for the promos, aren't they, I guess?

You know, the network is rerunning Scarlet, and Andrew thought it might

a fun tie -in. Hey, listen, have you heard our new music yet? Rollo, can you

roll the theme song?

Holy son of a... What planet are you on? I signed up to do a

serious news hour with Walter Cronkite, and now suddenly I'm stuck with a

confederacy of dunces here interviewing Wonder Woman. on some foofy set wearing

some cheesy old costumes left over from a Carol Burnett show skit.

Let me tell you something, Junior. I'll be clinking Coke cans with Clarence

Thomas before I do this infotainment crap.

I've got the fix.

What if we switch costumes?

Cut out, Rhett.

Oh, this is all my fault, Miss Brown.

Uncle Stan insisted on these changes and I was just too weak to say no.

Oh, curse my wretched weakness.

Well, I will be party to this travesty no longer.

I'm calling my uncle right now. He can fire me if he wants. Yeah, well, make it

snappy.

Hello, room 617, please.

Yeah, yeah, mahalo.

Hello, Uncle Stan?

It's Andrew.

Listen, about Miss Brown's new show, forget the changes. We're going back to

original concept.

No, you listen to me.

Uh -huh.

Yes.

Well, you have a point. It's a good point. I don't think so. He's in one of

the... No, no, no!

The time will be 3 .23 and 20 seconds.

I can explain.

Uncle Stan!

What the hell are you doing? You don't barge in on a man when he's taking a

schvitz. Tell me, Uncle Stan. She's gone crazy.

Murphy crazy?

Yes. Word on the street is she's hitting the hooch again.

See what I mean? She's crazy to the loo. Should I call security?

Another one barging in here. What is this, bring a friend to the schvitz day?

So Stan's in Hawaii, huh? What the hell is going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on, Stan. Your new VP promised me an hour show

Walter Cronkite just so he could sucker me into an infotainment show with Miller

Redfield.

God, it's hot in here.

And he's not even sweating.

What species are you?

Is this true, Andrew?

Well, I do have very fine pores.

About the show. The show was all Murphy's idea.

Don't deny it. It was all you. You, you, you.

Oh, yeah. Like I'm really going to put myself in a hoop skirt.

See what I mean? Hoop skirt.

Andrew.

it was all me.

Me, me, me.

But why, Andrew? Why would you do such a thing?

I wanted to show you I could be a good network vice president.

The only good network vice president is a dead network vice president.

But when was I going to know about this? Was I going to see it on television?

What other surprises do you have for me?

You'll find Murder, She Wrote on Thursdays this year.

That's Thursday.

That's a good one.

He's a comedian.

I'm sorry, Miss Brown. I guess I did a bad thing.

A bad thing?

Aztec human sacrifice was a bad thing. This was inexcusable.

I was just trying to make a name for myself. I thought that if I could get

someone of your enormous magnitude on a show that I created, well, what bigger

coup could there be?

Well, I can't argue with your logic, but still.

This is nice.

You understand him, he understands you. Yes, I will take him out in the woodshed

and spank his tushy for what he did. And we can become one big happy family

again. And I can get back to having a solo schvitz. Please.

But there's still the question of the show.

What? question. I hate it. She doesn't want to do it.

Besides, Miller and Murphy, I don't see it. Aha!

So this is where you are. Oh, good, another one. Maybe there are some people

down in the counting who haven't seen me naked.

You know, there's a whole crew waiting for us, and these clothes are getting

really itchy.

So take them off. You look like Ted Turner at a CNN costume party.

Oh, yeah? Well, you look like Jane Fonda at a CNN costume party.

If she forgot to wear a costume.

born like this, or did they have to pump the air into your head?

First of all, it wasn't my head, it was my lips. And it wasn't air, it was

collagen.

Wait a minute!

This banter, now I see it.

Moonlighting meets primetime live.

Andrew, you're a visionary.

Forget about it! You're not gonna team me up with this idiot?

Hey, hey, hey, I resent that.

By the way, has anyone else noticed how...

Hot and steamy it is in this funny little office.

Why don't you go down to maintenance and find out what's wrong?

Okay, Chief.

And Murphy, if you don't do this, you'll regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Where's the wanker, you twit?

Unlike my nephew, I am not going to try to snow you.

I mean, how could I? I've been in this room 40 minutes. I'm lucky that my heart

is still beating.

To stick you two on an entertainment show truly is the stupidest idea to come

down the pipe since they canceled Laverne and Shirley.

But Miller, he does bring in viewers. And you are much too valuable to only do

one show. Do you think people really are seeing as much of you as they'd like?

Well, not according to America Online.

So, why don't we forget the costume crap and do a serious news show?

You can do those long, boring stories that get you so hepped up.

And I'll tell you what. If it doesn't work out in, say, six weeks, I'll pull

plug on it myself.

Six weeks, I'm not happy it's gone? I give you my word.

Okay, I'll do it.

Good! Oh, you're like a puddle.

Listen, why don't you go call Barbara Walters and tell her the news? I bet she

goes crying to our fancy -scrancy new bosses, Michael and Michael at Disney.

You know, Andrew, you could learn a thing or two from your uncle. He's a

act all the way.

Oh, but, but, but, Murphy, you embarrass me. I'm blushing. And that, my clumsy

little nephew, is how you manipulate someone.

You're the wind beneath my wing, sir.