Original subtitles

Oh, gotta get away from you, fast as I can.

Too much for me, baby, more than my heart can stand. Like a kid behind a

you've been reckless with my heart.

If I stay around, you'll surely tear it all apart.

Said the road's got to end.

We've come to the end of our road.

Oh, jeez, more presents? You know, it's not fair that married people get all

this stuff.

Single people need things, too.

I've been using the same three towels since college.

Um, Frank, there's something I've got to tell you.

Sure, what's up?

Well, I guess there's no easy way to say this.

You know, the other night after the bachelor party,

Peter and I decided not to get married.

Oh, really?

Geez, I'm sorry, Mark. I don't know what to say. That's really, uh...

Surprising? I don't know.

Inconceivable?

Incomprehensible? Out of the blue? Yeah, that's the one.

What are you holding?

Oh, uh, Jim, listen, I've got some pretty shocking news for you, and I'd

you hear it from the horse's mouth.

Certainly, Slugger. What's going on?

Peter and I have decided to call off the wedding.

Jeff, it's a done deal.

It's not going to happen.

Oh, I see.

That is shocking.

I thought for a moment that you'd said something entirely different, something

not shocking in the least, but you and Peter are not getting married.

That is completely different.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, guys. Morning.

Well...

We have got a pretty surprising announcement to make.

Save your breath. You've got a bigger reaction from an oil painting of Al

What's the big announcement?

You tell. No, you tell. No, you tell.

Let's both tell. Okay.

Ready? One, two, three.

We're married.

We saw you guys Friday night at Peter's bachelor party. When did you have time

to get married?

It was the most incredible... Oh, you go ahead. No, you go ahead. No, you go

ahead.

I was just so romantic.

When Miles took my hand and we ran out of the club together that night, it was

like I could hear all the pieces of my life just clicking into place.

And I was hearing the exact same noise, only if I was more of a whore, it was

like... Anyway, all my life... I've done the expected thing. Always tip 15%.

Never topped off my tank. Always waited an hour after eating before going into

the water. Well, this time, I didn't wait. I ate a big sloppy sandwich and

cannonball right into the deep end. Guess what? No crabs.

And I was sick of always listening to that voice that said, stop.

I wanted to listen to the one that said, go, go, go, go. So he kept on going.

To the airport, to the Cayman Islands, to the beach, to a luau. To a

gastroenterologist, to a justice of the peace. Back to the airport, right back

here.

make a great team or what? All that is sweet, kind, and gentle about her? All

that's crazy, wild, untamed about me?

People should bottle us. Oh, if they did, I'd spritz them on me right now.

Congratulations.

Thank you. So, come on, come on. Out with it. How long before the betting

starts? Betting pool?

If anyone else had done this, we'd be betting on how long before the big

breakup. Come on. Miss A -seed and Mr.

Predictable rush out and get hitched. I mean, how long is that going to last?

Okay, okay. The betting pool. Hey, everybody. I got 20 bucks. They don't

two months. Two months? Why? Give them two weeks. Two weeks? I'll try today.

Oh, come on, come on. Let's go tell Business Affair. I want to see their

when they hear this individual tax filer will be filling out a joint return next

year. They're going to think we're nuts.

We're nuts?

You guys.

I got two months. Two weeks. Two days.

Did someone tell me what the hell they were thinking? They're not ready for

marriage. Of course not. They jumped into this way, way too fast.

Doris and I courted four years. Four years of getting to know her. Four years

her getting to know me.

Four years of convincing her father that just because a man owns a set of bongos

doesn't make him a beatnik.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm against Miles and Corky getting married.

It's just that if this works out, I'm going to have to rethink other things,

like John Tesh albums, label piercing.

For every parent who's ever had some... Oh, hi. I'm Murphy Brown. You must be my

new secretary.

Oh, this is hard.

I guess the whole lawyer thing didn't work out.

That's a tough break.

Could you file this for me? Actually, Murphy, I was just writing you a note. I

came over to bring you this wedding present, but they told me that the whole

thing had been called off, so... This is how rumors get started.

A present for me?

You Kennedys are so thoughtful and generous.

I wonder what it is.

I don't think you're really going to like it.

What the hell is this?

It's a copy of George. It's the new political magazine I'm editing. I had

guys in the art department mock up a cover with you on it. It's pretty great,

huh?

That's it?

No, no.

There's a one... your free subscription with a card.

Gee, I hope you didn't have to sell the compound.

Okay, fine, if that's your attitude, but don't come crying to me when you have

to pay full news day in price.

Listen up, everybody.

Listen up. Corky and I were just talking, and we would like to share our

with all of you.

So, After work, down at Phil's, you're all invited to a little celebration, our

treat. Oh, my.

Oh, well, before I forget, Doris and I would like to get you a little gift.

You have to get them a gift?

Just a little something, really, but we'll need to know where to send it.

it to my place.

Oh, honey, I just thought they should send it to my apartment since I assume

that's where we'll be, you know, living.

Really? I thought we might be living in my condo.

Wait a minute. You two are married. You don't even know where you're going to

live yet? Well, no. There really hasn't been time.

But either is fine.

Yeah. Oh, and hon, my place has a rec room with a ping pong table and a fresco

machine.

True. But mine has plantation shutters.

Oh, yeah. This is going to last.

Murphy,

what did you mean by that?

Mean by what?

What did you mean by... Oh.

Yeah, this is gonna last.

Oh, what did I mean by that?

Um... Well, you know, that was a joke.

A joke?

Yeah, yeah, it was a joke. It was a joke. I was joking, you know.

Remember how we were joking out there? We were joking, and Frank said, uh, hey,

I give this to once, and then she said, too much. Well, I give it two weeks.

Then I said, two weeks? Try two days. And then everybody laughed, because, you

know, I tell a joke really well.

Why don't you tell us what you're really saying? That you think Miles and I were

stupid to get married. Yeah, we're stupid.

Okay, fine. You want to know what I really said?

Okay.

What I really said was that... Oh, God, I get it now.

This is all a... I mean, all right, you're getting married. I can't believe

fell for that.

I mean, that whole pathetic trip to the Cayman Islands and that whole... You

tell me, you tell me, you tell me. That cheesy engagement ring Courtney's

wearing.

one who thinks this was stupid, okay?

All right, Jim, get in here.

Come on. All right, cat's out of the bag.

They know we think they're getting married with stupid, so just tell them

we said out there before, and then we can all get on with our lives.

I have no idea what you're talking about. Yes, I resent the implication.

Well, best of luck. You know,

Murphy, we heard about you and Peter, and we're sorry, but just because your

marriage didn't happen doesn't mean you have to rain on our parade.

Yeah, our parade.

Come on, Mrs.

Silverberg. With pleasure, Mrs.

Silverberg. Oh, don't call me that. Call you what?

Mrs. Silverberg, I'm not sure I'm taking your name. You're not?

You took Will's name.

And Sherwood Silverberg is a heck of a lot better than Sherwood Forrest.

Okay, I don't have a lot of time. Why don't you two start beating each other

and then I'll finish off whoever's left standing. Oh, come on. If anyone has a

right to be angry at someone, it's us.

Oh, please.

Not since Rolf blew that whistle and the sound of music have I witnessed such a

betrayal. Oh, come on.

What were we supposed to do? We have to work with those two. Indy, telling the

Pope his little beanie is uncrooked is one thing, but telling Miles and Corky

that they shouldn't have gotten married, that's just not kosher.

You heard me.

Well, I'm glad it's out. At least I spoke my mind. I don't know how you two

live with yourselves. Oh, come on, Murphy. It's not like I don't agree with

It was crazy, idiotic, foolish. Ladies and gentlemen, the Brighton Group!

You decided to come after all. Oh, yeah. I'm kind of surprised to see you here.

Well, I thought about what you guys said, and I realized you had a point. So

here. I'm ready to put on a smile and shower my co -workers with love and

affection. Hey, that's a spirit.

But what you got there?

Oh, that's your doorknob. I just trashed both your offices.

Hey there, Murphy.

Hey, Phil.

So, word has it you don't approve of the happy couple.

Do you have any idea how many bad marriages old Phil could have stuck his

into over the years?

John and Martha Mitchell.

Senator and Rita Jenrette.

John Warner and Liz Taylor.

But I didn't. And why didn't I?

I don't know, Phil, why.

No, I'm asking you.

Why didn't I?

Just think of all the years.

Pain and misery. I could have spared those poor little loonies.

People wonder why I don't sleep at night.

Oh, by the way, there's someone in the storeroom I think you should talk to.

Oh, no, Phil. The last time you wanted me to talk to someone in the storeroom,

ended up getting cold -cocked by Jean Kirkpatrick.

Hey, I was as surprised as you were.

Who knew the woman could hoist a keg over her head like that?

Hello? Jean?

It's a surprise to you here, given how stupid you think my marriage is to

Look, Rookie, I know you're mad at me, and I don't blame you.

That's it?

That's the big apology I get?

After you ridiculed the most important decision of my life? The one that

makes me feel whole as a woman?

All right.

I was out of line before.

What you and Miles do is your own business. I shouldn't have said what I

I'm sorry.

But you said it, Murphy.

You said our marriage wasn't going to last.

I did. You said Miles and I were stupid.

I did.

You said that we got married without really knowing each other. No, I didn't

that. Well, I didn't say it to your face.

What?

There are a lot of things I don't know about Miles.

I don't know where he likes to sit in a movie theater.

I don't know if he likes his socks bald.

Everybody's like it bad because we haven't had sex yet, but who cares? I

care.

Because no matter what you or anyone else says, the only thing that matters

is... I did a rash, stupid thing that I'm going to regret for the rest of my

life. Oh, God.

What am I going to do?

You guys haven't had sex yet?

Now, I don't really know what that is, but Jerry's figured I was showing it

week, and I really think I could fake it if I had to. What do you think?

Um, I don't think you should be asking me. I think you should be asking your

husband.

Ow, Bertie.

You're hurting me.

Bertie?

Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you.

Are you okay? What did you do?

Oh, Miles.

What is it?

And honey, is it the crowd?

Is it the noise?

Is it the heat?

Is it the fact that we rushed into the biggest decision of our lives and made a

horrible, horrible mistake and there's a room full of our closest friends and co

-workers out there waiting to toast us and we don't have a single idea in the

world why we did what we did or what we're going to do about it?

Look, Earth is going on. Yeah, we saw you drag Miles into the storeroom. Is

Corky in there with him? Yeah, there.

You know, it's really not my place to say. Well, I'll say is they're talking

something over. Something, by the way, that will make me look very, very good

and you look very, very bad.

Well, divorce.

It all seems so quick.

I never thought I'd be divorced twice.

The only person I ever knew who was divorced twice was Vera Williams.

I used to follow her around town, call her slut, throw rocks at her windows.

Probably wasn't the best way for my church youth group to spend it

but I did keep them off drugs.

Well, there is a bright side to all this. Only being married for three days

means we don't have a lot of community property to divide up.

Tell you what, you know that Cayman Islands is for lovers T -shirt we bought

the duty -free shop?

You can have it.

Well, I just want to say it was fun while it lasted.

It sure was.

I can't remember a better weekend.

I was just going to say that, I don't know, maybe our problem

wasn't so much being married.

As how fast we got married.

Yes, exactly.

I mean, okay, maybe we rushed into this.

But maybe what we rushed into was right.

Uh -huh. And if we just went back and took things slower, maybe everything

work out.

So maybe we can stay married, but just date for a while.

You know, until we know if everything's right.

I think I like that plan.

Me too.

like going to the movies on the weekends, and then if that works out, we

to the next logical step.

Legit theater?

No, I was thinking more like a midweek dinner.

Okay, okay. But if things progress and it feels right, we may

want to take things to the next level and move in together.

Absolutely.

Which brings us to the whole question of sleeping together.

Guess that wouldn't be a fan.

That's right.

I just feel that way.

It's just better if it comes from them.

Wait a second. I know what it is.

Corky and Miles are leaving FYI, aren't they? No, they're not coming. I know.

One of them's...

I'll bet Corky's pregnant.

Trust me.

Corky's definitely not pregnant.

Then what is it?

Come on.

All right, fine.

You can't wait. You really have to know. Yes.

Corky and Miles are getting a divorce.

Are you happy now?

That's right. They realized... I was right. They appreciated my honesty, even

leaned on me for support. Me, the one everyone accused of being unsupportive.

So I think there are more than a few people in here who owe me an apology,

think if you look in your hearts, you'll realize who you are, Frank Jamgarth.

Excuse me.

Excuse us.

Hey, everybody.

Having a good time?

Hey, some of these glasses look a little empty. Anybody need a refill?

It's okay, Miles. You don't have to put up a front. I already told them.

Told them what?

That you guys are getting a divorce.

Oh, we're not getting a divorce, Murphy.

We're married. And we're staying married.

And we couldn't be happier.

What about that amnesia and Jerry Springer and all those sockballs?

What about those sockballs?

I can't believe it. That's it.

Get a ride for Marv. I'm on his way home.

Hey, good idea.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Okay.

Say, Miles, as long as you've got room, I could use a lift home. Sure, hop in.

Splendid.

Bye, everyone.

Well,

I still play there crazy.

Yeah, you're right.

Well, maybe you have to. It has to be crazy. I mean, Miles and Corky? Couldn't

put those two together in a million years.

But they rolled the dice. Who knows? Maybe it'll work.

What are you saying, Frank? Are you saying I made a mistake not marrying

Wait a minute. When did this become about you?

When isn't it about me, Frank?

You still haven't answered me.

What, you and Peter? No, you didn't make a mistake.

Really?

Absolutely not a doubt in my mind.

Wait a minute. Didn't you tell me last week I was doing the right thing to get

married? Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess maybe I was telling you what I thought you wanted to hear.

Oh, and now?

Same deal.

Maybe we're just not the type of people who are meant to get married.

Um, what do you mean, we, ma 'am?

Are you seeing anyone, Frank? No.

Interested in anyone?

No. Willing to go on another blind date?

No. I mean, we, French.

You know, if I didn't get married, it wouldn't be a tragedy.

I mean, I'm not worried about ending up alone.

It would just be nice not to have to.

You know what really worries me? What if there is a right person out there for

me and I've already met her? I mean, what if I was...

tired that day or I had a bad commute or I made one wrong turn at the wrong time

and that person walked out of my life forever.

What then?

Then you'd be sitting on a stoop on a beautiful night in a beautiful city

talking to your best friend.

Murph, remember that vow we made a few years ago?

You mean that Janet Reno secret admirer thing? Didn't we do that already?

No, I'm talking about the one where we...

promised that if we reached 40 and we weren't married yet, we'd marry each

other. Yeah, then we hit 40 and we moved it to 45.

We hit 45 and we pushed it off to 50.

You know, Murph, we're almost 50 now.

Well, maybe we'll just get adjoining plots.