Original subtitles

Oh, man, you won't believe this. Murphy put me in charge of planning Peter's

bachelor party.

Apparently, his best man is shackled to a wall in some Iraqi prison.

You're not going to have it at a strip club, are you?

Yeah. What's the matter with that?

It's just that the one time I went to a stag party at a strip club, the other

guys forced me to jello wrestle.

Five seconds into the round, I was put in a full Nelson and slammed into the

canvas. They sent over the stripper just like a nurse, but she didn't know

anything.

What do you want me to do, Miles? It was either that or Jeannie and Travel's

sister doing the dance of the seven veils.

Sounds fun.

She's 86.

Even better.

That means I can push her on me if I can.

You won't be disappointed, dude. There's one woman there who strips down to a G

-string and then she types 65 words per minute. Never makes a mistake. Hey,

Mark. Relax, Frank. I didn't expect you to throw Peter a bachelor party at the

public library.

Do you really think I'm threatened?

Hey, when you put Frank Fontana in charge of a bachelor party, be

You know, maybe you're right. An evening of loud music, watered -down drinks,

chunky women bumping and... grinding out of sync.

Gee, how can I compete?

He's right, so I have to go.

Murphy, there's a call for you from Cuba.

Oh, I see.

Don't go in there, Murphy.

Every time you talk to him, the wedding gets pushed to another day, and I have

to rearrange my schedule.

Hmm. Sit home in front of the TV eating fish sticks on the 24th, or sit home in

front of the TV eating fish sticks on the 31st? I'm sorry, Frank. I'll try to

nail down a date for you.

Okay, so why are we moving it this time?

Murphy, I have no intention of rescheduling the wedding. The wedding

fine. Oh, great.

It's the honeymoon I need to change.

Oh, geez, what came up now?

You're not going to believe this. I just set up an interview with the leader of

the Bosnian militia.

So I was wondering, do you think we could push the honeymoon back to the

the 19th?

Oh, I can't do that. I have to be in New York. All right, here's an idea.

I'm going to be in Sarajevo from the 12th to the 17th. Maybe we could

there. Peter, I don't know if I'm especially comfortable having my

a place the U .N. is trying to shoot their way out of.

And here's another thing we could do at Murphy's Shower. We could kidnap her and

take her to Atlantic City.

Wait, I have a better idea. I know this guy who has a portable tattoo kit. We

could give the entire bridal party ankle skulls.

Those are all really great ideas, McGovern, but you didn't know you're not

invited. I know. I always enjoy it more when I show up and they don't want me

there.

Hey, Miles.

Hi.

So how's Vandala?

Oh, um, things didn't really work out between them.

Oh, that's too bad.

It's okay.

There'll be other supermodels.

Well, I'm off to lunch.

Oh, well, yeah, see you around.

talking each other's way. So Miles said, shall we dance?

Political humor.

Come on, Corky, let's blow this joint.

changed again, or should I put my fish sticks back in the freezer?

No, the plans haven't changed, but it looks like I'll be spending my honeymoon

around the same time as my silver wedding anniversary.

You think we'll be able to find a place with a heart -shaped orthopedic bed?

For two people who want to get married, you're having a hard time making it

happen.

What's that supposed to mean, a hard time making it happen? What do you mean

that, Frank?

It's just a joke. I'm just saying you two are having a hard time getting

together on this whole marriage thing. There you go again. What?

I mean, implying that Peter and I don't want to get married. But, in fact, we do

very much want to get married. We're just two very busy people with very busy

schedules. So, Slugger, how's the wedding coming? Oh, blow it out of your

Thank you for lunch, Miller.

Yeah, it was good, wasn't it?

But you really didn't have to pay for it.

What, a man can't buy a woman a meal just because he wants to?

You're so sweet. By the way, I think we should have sex.

It was hard, but I said it.

Now? No, not now.

Could we now?

No. Okay, so later then.

Miller, we haven't been seeing each other that long.

I'm not sure I'm ready.

Okay, I understand.

These things take time.

So, how's Friday? Can I put you down for a yes? Miller, listen.

If we were going to take our relationship to that next level...

I'd have to know that you were the one.

Which one?

The one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

Whoa, way to bring the room down.

Okay.

Corky, I like you.

And I wouldn't want to rush you into anything that you're not ready for.

So, tell you what.

I'm going to leave you to think about it, and you can get back to me.

Corky, would you... Oh, Miller.

I'll be going now, Corky.

But, uh, just so you know, I'm keeping Friday night open for... that

thing we were talking about.

Okay, Corky, I want an answer. Have you been spreading the ugly rumor that

people who aren't invited to my wedding don't have to send me gifts?

I just want to be clear about this. Um, the thing that I'm referring to rhymes

with... gex.

Murphy, if a person is in a relationship and they're having doubts about taking

it to that next level, what do you think that says about that relationship?

Look, I am really beginning to resent this. Peter and I are two very busy

with very busy lives. Murphy, I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about

Miller and me.

Oh.

Then let's get to the bottom of this ugly no -gift rumor. How do we stop it?

Murphy, I don't know what to do. Miller just asked me to have sex with him.

Ew, I just had lunch.

Don't know how I feel about him.

I mean, sex is a really big deal with me.

The only person I've ever had sex with is Will, and that's because we were

married. We all know how that turned out. Oh, come on, Corky. Nobody could

predicted how your marriage would have turned out.

You know what, Murphy?

The funny thing is, I think I could have.

What are you talking about? I was at your wedding, and when you finally did

down the aisle, you looked incredibly happy.

Oh, that was on the outside, Murphy.

On the inside, I kept asking myself, are you doing the right thing?

But that's normal, right, to question?

I guess.

But you shouldn't, Murphy.

Just because my marriage ended in a pathetic pile of shattered hopes and

doesn't mean yours has to. I mean, you and Peter are obviously sure about each

other.

Yeah.

I just want to be really, really clear. Okay.

That Dex thing on Friday night?

Yeah, it can't happen until after 7 because I've got a facial.

What the heck?

I'll cancel it.

Hey, guys.

Hey, you see that brunette over there?

The one in the biking helmet?

I think she was looking at me. And not the way she was looking at all the other

guys who were waving $20 bills at her.

I think we made a real connection.

You led me to believe we'd be attending a gentleman's club. I envision brandy

and cigars and stimulating conversation among like -minded men. Where's the can?

I've got to throw up.

You don't understand why I'm sitting here when the guest of honor hasn't

bothered to show up. Come on, Peter will be here in a few minutes. He's just

delayed. Why don't you guys just relax? Enjoy these ladies.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, don't touch the girls.

Oh, I didn't. You see, see?

Don't touch the girls.

Idiot chicken.

I'm watching you. Her.

Jim, I left my wallet back at the office. You think you could lend me 20

God, that bouncer's still looking at me.

Hi.

Oh, no, no, no. Please, please, go away.

No, touchy.

Which one? A scientist?

No, a Dutch milkman.

What are you doing here?

Oh, come on. Peter's flight got delayed. He's going to try to make it, but in

case he can't, I don't want him to miss a minute of the only bachelor party

you'll ever have. All right, everybody.

Not being silly. We tell dirty jokes together. We play poker together. This

isn't any different than that. Just think of me as one of the guys.

So, Rick, I want to ask you a question about your mother.

What? My mother?

Yeah. Do you think she's happy in her marriage? I don't know. Why are you

me about my mother in a strip club? Oh, I forget I asked. Woo -woo!

Oh,

great. Now they all have my mother's face.

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I would have been here sooner, but I went to the

wrong bar.

I thought you guys said nudie nudes. This place is nude nudies.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go change a five.

Uh, can I have a club soda, please?

Hey, Murphy.

Oh, hey, John. Let me ask you something.

Oh, that's okay, Murphy. I read the memo. I'm not coming for the wedding,

you're still getting your gift.

Oh, great.

I don't know what to talk to you about.

How long have you been married?

Twelve years.

And how did you know getting married was the right thing to do? I knew it was

right because I realized that I'd do anything for my wife and she'd do

for me.

Huh. I mean, like tonight.

She stayed home with the kids so I could come here.

So that's what it's all about, doing things for each other. Wow.

And I think she didn't mind staying home alone with the kids on a Friday night

when she hadn't seen you all week, changing diapers, giving baths, cleaning

hamster cages. Also, you could sit on a stool munching pretzels, watching naked

women in a strip club.

I gotta go.

Hang on, honey. I'm coming home.

Excuse me, can I ask you something?

Are you married?

to the most wonderful woman in the world, Gloria, I love you.

So you're saying that marriage is a tremendous leap of faith, that you've

got to jump in with both feet and tell her everything will work out, that as

long as you love each other and are both there for each other, that's all that

really matters?

Give my best to Beth, Joanne, and Barb. Go safely.

God bless.

Listen, Murphy, I overheard your conversation, and I think I know what

going through.

Yeah, right, Miller.

The big date's approaching, and you're having second thoughts about getting

married. Am I right?

Maybe. Okay, well, here's a little something that might help you make your

decision. Peter is a very handsome man.

Now, as you know, I'm not gay.

But if I were gay, I guarantee you I would be all over him.

I think we'd make a very attractive couple.

I can see the other gay couple staring with envy as we stroll hand in hand down

the promenade.

You've been a big help, and I'll tell you something else. If Peter were gay,

he'd be very lucky to have you.

You are turning my head, Murphy Brown.

Murphy! There you are.

Dear Lord, look at you.

It's one thing for Murphy to be here, but this is no place for me.

Here's your wallet with the money for the hookers.

They're strippers, not hookers.

Whatever. Those moral distinctions are lost in the eyes of the Lord.

Hello, Miles.

Oh, hello, Corky. If you're looking for Miller, he's over there trying to check

out his reflection in the disco ball.

I'm not looking for Miller.

In fact, I don't think we'll be seeing each other anymore.

Really? That's very interesting.

Yeah, well, I realize Miller and I don't have enough in common.

I see.

And... You came here to tell me that? No, I came here to get Frank's wallet.

Oh.

Well, anyway, I just thought you should know about Miller and me, I mean. Well,

thanks for telling me.

Thanks for listening.

See ya.

Bye.

I told you, don't touch

the girl.

In Bo Peep's bustier, we really connected.

See you later.

Jim, wait.

Can you help me out with something before you go? Sorry, Slugger. The bank

dial is closed.

It's about you and Doris.

You've been together a long time.

How did you know that marrying Doris was the right thing to do?

I don't know.

I suppose it's because I couldn't imagine not marrying her.

What keeps you married?

There's her asymmetrical smile, the way she sucks her cheeks when she's angry,

and her unbelievable skill with the New York Times crossword puzzle.

And to cope with the knowledge that somewhere in this cold world, kind,

souls waiting for you.

Hey, guys, this place is deadsville.

What do you say we take this party on the road?

At this hour?

Oh, yeah, sure. There's nudie nudes, naked nudies, nothing but naked nudes.

questions about money travel marriage your psychic companion has the answers

for only $3 .95 a minute

I guess unless they move the party back here, I missed it, huh?

Yeah.

Don't worry.

I got videotaped footage of most of it. It's mostly just beautiful, naked women

dancing around on the stage. It gets old.

So, how are the wedding plans going?

Good.

You're on the cake yet?

No, I forgot.

Did you figure out the seating arrangement?

I couldn't find a pen.

Gosh, the wedding's a week away and we still haven't nailed down all these

details.

It's funny, isn't it?

You know, Peter, I've been thinking a lot about

us and marriage.

You know, God, I have been too. I've been grilling every married person I can

find. You talk to people?

Yeah.

I just sort of wrestled with it on my own, but that's just the kind of person

am.

So did you come to any conclusions?

Have you?

Yeah. Yeah, I think... I think we should do it.

Me too.

Although, um, the thought did occur to me that maybe we shouldn't get married

right away.

You know, we did come to this decision in the middle of a hurricane.

A moment of crisis.

I mean... It's never the best time to make a big decision.

You know, something else occurred to me. I mean, maybe we're doing this because

we sort of ran out of places to go with the relationship.

I mean, maybe we're getting married not because we want to, but because it's

just the thing that people in a relationship are expected to do.

Right. I mean, who's to say a relationship has to keep moving forward?

it just idle a while?

And look at our whole long -distance thing. That's...

Right. We can't even schedule our honeymoon.

How are we supposed to schedule the rest of our lives together?

Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.

You know what this sounds like to me?

This sounds like just your typical cold feet.

Right. Right.

It's just a case of pre -wedding jitters.

You know, I was with my brother the night before we got married, and I heard

saying some of the exact same things.

I mean, he and his wife have been married for 17 years now. Well, of

This isn't about marriage. It's about the wedding. I mean, we're just so

up in these wedding details that we're convinced we're in some sort of

dilemma when really it's just the stupid wedding details that are screwing it

up. I mean, we're not details people. We're rash people.

So why don't we do something rash?

Let's get married tonight.

Tonight? Yeah, right now.

Well, why not? We're rash people.

I'll get my jacket.

I'll get Avery.

You get my jacket, and I'll get Avery.

Well, I guess we're not as rash as we thought we were.

Nope.

Well, it's lucky you didn't make the...

seating arrangement.

Good thing you didn't order the cake, huh?

So what do we do now?

Well, it doesn't have to mean anything.

I mean, just because we're putting off the wedding doesn't mean that our

relationship has to change.

Right?

Right.

Well, I'm kind of beat, you know.

Yeah, me too.

You know, I've got to tell you, I really should get back and start prepping my

story for tomorrow.

Hey, I've got to wash that cigar smoke out of my hair.

You know, I really meant it when I proposed to you.

I really meant it when I said yes.

You can't sleep, honey?

What's going on?

I'm waiting.

Do you want to dance with me?

This Saturday, meet a chef who's a monkey. It's Monkey Chef, Nick at

newest original show,

April Fool's. Don't miss the Hijinx April Fool's Day Marathon this Saturday

10, only on Nick at Night.