Original subtitles

Here you

go,

Avery. I hear you after all. hard race. There's nothing Mario Andretti likes

more than a tall, frosty juice box.

Well, hey there, little buckaroo. How you doing?

Who is this, my new secretary?

Yes!

Where do kids pick these things up? Meet today.

We gotta get going.

We got a lot of stuff to do today, don't we, Avery?

That's what I heard. So what's the schedule?

Well, let's see. The zoo?

Kitty land, maybe check out that cement mixer at that new construction site. You

know, guy stuff.

Yeah, guy stuff.

Okay, but no sitting on a girder whistling at women.

Oh, no, we wouldn't do that, would we?

Nah.

Hey, I know you.

You're Peter Hunt.

Miller Redfield.

Next wave.

Yeah, well, I just got to tell you.

Your report's from Somalia, Kuwait, the Sudan.

I really admire the way you put yourself at risk. Well, the mortar fire tends to

be where the news happens, so... I was talking about going out in the sun that

much. Ouch.

Crow's Feet City.

Hey, here's a tip.

Bronzing gel.

I'll try and remember that. Okay.

Say goodbye, Avery.

Bye -bye.

He can't do that, can he?

Thanks for the flowers. That was so thoughtful.

Well, hey, you can't go out on a date with a beautiful woman without bringing

her flowers.

At least that's what the guy at the on -ramp told me.

Aw, and they say romance is dead.

Only from the neck up.

Boy, boy, oh, boy, am I in a pickle.

I've got a heartbreaking story way down in Florida, but who can I send there?

Who, who, who?

Wait, brainstorm.

Miller. This story is perfect for you.

Let's see. A story that's perfect for Miller.

It can't involve math, geography, or words over two syllables. I'm stoked.

Yeah, me too. What is it?

Actually, it's a hurricane. A big one. And it's heading right for Coral Palms,

little town on the Florida coast.

It could be the storm of the century, so I need you to get down there right

away. Oh, no. That means you're going to miss our date on Friday.

You two had a date? I feel awful.

Oh, don't worry, Corky. There'll be plenty of other times for us to go out.

how often are you lucky enough to have a horrible disaster fall right in your

lap?

Obviously, my expertise is needed down there. Expertise? Oh, yeah. Hey, hey.

May I remind you that I was once a weatherman?

Do either of you know what a low -pressure system is?

It's when we use the blue map.

Miller, you really should get going.

Wings can pick up at any time. Be careful, Miller.

Hey, you be careful, too.

Bye, Miller. Bye, Corky.

Hey, I've got a little something to remember you by.

Here's a phone book. Have a nice trip.

Miles, you have a phone, too.

Morning, O. What's new?

Miles shipped Miller off to Florida to cover a hurricane.

I can picture it now. He'll be in water up to his knees interviewing some old

guy with no teeth who refuses to leave his trailer park.

That was the network.

They like my idea of covering the hurricane so much, they want to send FYI

there to cover it, too.

Tips on the toothless geezer.

Here you go.

Welcome to the Coral Palms Motoring Honeymoon Suite, where fantasy and

meet to guarantee an item, unbridled sensuality and hot -burning passion with

easy interstate access.

Don't touch anything.

Nice choice, Miles. What happened? The Bates Motel was having its shower fixed?

We are here to cover a story. A story also being covered by every other new

on the air. We were lucky to get anything at all. Come on, Jim. It was a

A joke?

A man dozes off on the airplane and you call lobbing dry roasted nuts into his

open mouth a joke?

Why didn't you just dip my hand in a bowl of warm water? We did. It didn't

At least you got nuts. They ran out before they got to me. The only thing

had to eat since lunch was a yogurt -covered raisin I found in the seat

in front of me.

Your seat pocket had a raisin?

Okay, apparently the hurricane has stalled off the coast, but it's picking

steam and could hit any time tomorrow.

So let's all get some rest. We're going to need it.

You can show it to our other rooms now.

Other rooms?

Yes, other rooms. I booked rooms for five people. No, you booked room for

people, and this is it. The presidential suite.

I thought you said this was the honeymoon suite.

It's both.

One time, we had the president of the Kiwanis Club stay here on his honeymoon.

That was a good night.

Yeah. Save it for the brochure. Look, there must be some other place around

we can stay, preferably with a nice buffet and a big jacuzzi tub. So just

us to it, and we'll be on our way.

Sorry. The whole town has bought it up. On account there's a big hurricane

coming that could destroy us all.

Enjoy your stay.

And if there's anything you need, just ask. Okay.

I guess if we're going to be stuck in this room for five, we'll need some

Cots.

I can't get that.

Well, how about some food? We're starved.

Food?

I can't get that.

You can't get cots, you can't get food. What the hell can you get? Well, I

moonlight as a professional escort.

Anyone want a date?

Great. Nothing to eat.

I'm sleeping in a room full of people.

Throw in a beefy type named Gail who wants to get to know me better, and I'm

back in the dean's office striking for a women's studies program.

Oh, Murphy.

Where's your sense of adventure?

This'll be fun.

Just... pretend we're having a slumber party at the home of a friend who left a

really big pair of men's underwear in the sink.

All right. I realize these aren't ideal conditions, but we've got a big day

tomorrow, so let's just figure out the sleeping arrangements and get some rest.

Good idea.

All right.

I'll take the bed.

What?

Wait a second. Why do you get the bed?

Because my stuff is on it.

Hey, hey, there is no need to argue.

Between the bed and the sofa, there's enough room for all of us.

Hey, everybody, guess what?

Civil defense just commandeered my room for a morgue.

Cool, huh?

So can I double up with somebody here?

Where's Corky? Miller, there's no room here. No room at all. In fact, I was

coming to get you.

I need you to go out in the helicopter and get some shots of the hurricane.

Well, now, I just got... It might be a little bumpy in the beginning, but when

you get to the eye, it's really calm. Good luck.

It has an eye?

voice. Miller, that is funny. Anyway, Frank,

Jim, you two want to take the sofa bed?

You don't have a problem with that, do you?

No problem here.

Okay. Uh, Corky, you can share the bed with Murphy.

Can't you sleep with Frank and Jim?

Oh,

man. I don't know how we're supposed to sleep. I'm still starving. Oh, for

heaven's sake, give it a rest, Frank. We're all hungry. Just go to sleep and

forget about it.

Okay, but, uh...

I think I should warn you.

You know, I really can't sleep unless I'm totally naked.

Let's try, Frank.

No way I'm giving up my half of the sofa.

Hey, it was worth a shot.

Jim.

Jim, you awake?

Mm.

You hear that?

How can I hear anything with your stomach growling like a mix master?

Oh, no, no, no. That...

It sounded like cellophane.

I heard it. It was definitely cellophane.

I smelled chocolate.

Murphy, do you smell chocolate?

Nope. Murphy,

are you eating something?

Murphy's eating something!

Oh, just... Look at this. A candy bar wrapper.

You had a...

All right, I cleaned out the vending machines when we got here.

There was a hurricane coming. You never heard of hoarding food?

And you didn't seem to share it with any of us? Let me remind you of the story

of the grasshopper and the ant.

You see, the ant knew winter was coming, so he started a pile working.

Hey,

when I started eating, you were all sleeping. If I'd have woken you up, I

have gotten in trouble for that. I just can't seem to win with you people.

Hold it!

Hold it!

The only fair thing to do is to share this.

Let's just divide it into four equal parts.

Excuse me.

Don't you mean five equal parts?

What?

Okay.

This is it.

This is finally it. Get ready to move. I think I saw a drop.

I did. I did. I definitely saw a drop. No.

Wait. It's just the condensation from my breath.

God, I feel awful.

Coming through.

Uh -oh, take a number.

I'm in need of a shave, and Frank's been in there for the past 20 minutes.

Of course, he spent last night hogging the covers, so why not monopolize the

bathroom, too?

I tell you, a little more drool and a tad less cellulite, and I'd swear it was

Doris.

I heard that.

You what?

Oh, no.

Wait. Hang on.

How could you slide in here like that?

You're just brushing your teeth. Over. What if I wasn't just washing my teeth?

What about us doing something embarrassing? Oh, please. What could be

embarrassing than yesterday when you had those eight glasses of iced tea and

then asked us to pull the van over to the side of the road?

And, Frank, if you're going to take that long, you shouldn't be startled when

someone honks the horn.

I'll try to remember that.

Geez, you look like hell.

Oh, good.

I'm glad my outside met my inside while I was sleeping. Someone put my stomach

on spin cycle.

That's funny.

I haven't heard you say that since your boozing days or when you were pregnant.

Why?

Come on, Mertz. Oh, you're a little nauseous. So what? I mean, it's not like

you're late or anything.

You're late?

How many weeks could you consider late? Oh, my God.

And my breasts do feel kind of swollen.

Do my breasts look swollen to you?

could this be happening again? What is wrong with you? Don't you use

Of course, but those things are only 99 % effective. Can I help it if I've

always been exceptional?

Okay.

Hey, wait a second.

Was it Peter?

No, Frank. It was Jesse Helms.

We had a quickie in the Senate cloakroom. Of course it was Peter.

Did you do this to me again? Did you be pregnant?

Okay, okay.

Let's not get carried away, all right?

We don't know for sure, do we?

You know, we need some kind of test.

I wish there was some kind of test to tell if you were pregnant.

You mean a pregnancy test? Yes.

Now you're thinking. Listen, I'll run across the street to the drugstore and

pick one up. It's here! It's here! The hurricane is here!

Yeah, right. The hurricane is here.

Oh, my God. The hurricane is here.

reaction. Frank, I want you to... I'll be with you in a minute. I've got to run

across the street to the drugstore. What?

You're going to the drugstore now?

Yeah, I ran out of conditioner for my hair.

Yeah, me too.

No, Murph. Listen, I don't think someone with your problem hair should be out in

a hurricane going to get conditioner.

What if you don't get the kind of conditioner I want? I bought a lot of

conditioner in my day. I think I know the kind of conditioner you want. Why

we talking about hair care?

Just make sure you get the kind of conditioner that works really fast.

The kind you pee into.

I'm out of here.

Just be careful, Frank. You have no idea how dangerous these storms can be. My

cousin Luanne was maimed by a flying popsicle stick. Right here.

Now she has to wear bangs. And on her, they're not at all flattering.

You don't have enough hair to go up in that storm.

Oh, you're amazed.

Frank Fontana does not let a little...

This is okay. All we need to do is get into the news van and everything will be

okay. About the news van, it appears to be gone.

Gone? Jim, it can't be gone. It's parked right... It's gone.

The news van is gone.

Sorry to bother you, but we have a strict policy.

No vans in the swimming pool.

Okay. The van is in the swimming pool.

But I can handle this.

I'm a highly paid professional.

That is, at least until I get back and explain to Mr. Lansing how his $250 ,000

state -of -the -art news van is now a submarine.

What about that pregnancy test I told you I could get? I couldn't get that.

What? What are you talking about?

Nobody here asked for a pregnancy test.

Oh, yeah, the blonde lady gave me ten bucks to get one.

And she said there'd be five more in it for me if I didn't tell a soul.

I guess I'm not going to get that.

Pregnancy test?

What would anybody here want with a... Pregnancy test.

Is that Miller?

I'll be right out.

Cookie.

And Miller.

Boy,

what a night. You know, I almost didn't make it back.

Hey, it looks like you guys had a pretty wild night here, too.

Which one of you knuckleheads parked the van in the pool?

Sorry, it must have got a little wet while I was trying not to die.

You know what this is about. The guy from the motel told me the blonde lady

asked him to get her a pregnancy test.

I think Miles thinks Corky wanted a pregnancy test. Maybe you want to say

something about that?

For shame.

Sure we did.

Don't you remember?

It was on a beach. It was you and me and Cindy Crawford and... Oh, wait, that

was... something else.

So, the pregnancy test wasn't for you?

No! But the guy said it was for the blonde lady. There's no other blonde

here except...

for Murphy.

How about this winner we're having?

God, you're pregnant?

It can't be.

Not again.

How long do your eggs live?

Really, Murphy? Last time it was a miracle.

This time you're just a freak.

Will you stop? I didn't tell you because I didn't know for sure.

So I would really... appreciated if you would stop making such a big deal about

this and just forget about it and go on with our lives.

Peter!

Hey, everybody.

You're not going to believe this.

The network called me and told me that our correspondent down here got sick and

asked me if I wouldn't mind filling in.

How many people you got sleeping here?

Six or seven, depending on when you think life actually begins.

Okay,

what did I miss?

Actually, it's more like something Murphy missed.

All right, everybody over to that side of the room. Now!

Not you.

Um, I don't know how you're going to feel about this, but, um, see, the

possibility is that I might be pregnant.

Sweet mother of pearl is hot water. Someone used my razor to shave their

Oh, the bathroom's free. I'll be right back.

What? No, no, no, no, no. Wait a second. Welcome to my hell.

Wow.

Oh, wow.

You never know how you're going to react to something like this until it happens

to you, you know?

Wow.

Hey, that's pretty much how I'd react.

Except there'd be this big old cutout of your body where you ran right through

the door.

Peter, I just want you to know I'm behind you 100%. Unless, of course, you

Murphy. In which case, so help me, you'll have to answer to... Murphy.

Have I missed something?

Happens to me all the time.

I'm not pregnant. What?

The stick is pink, the rabbit lives, the oven is without fun.

Close one, huh?

Don't you ever do this to me again. Oh, excuse me. I woke up feeling nauseous.

What else could make me feel that way? Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe it has

something to do with the two dozen candy bars you sucked down last night.

Hey there.

Well, I got some terrible news.

Orville's Market.

A beloved local institution for nearly three quarters of a century just washed

away in the rising current.

On a briny note, there's fresh produce all over the highway.

It's food! It's food! Let's go!

Wait for me!

All right, first we eat and then we work.

It's a big relief, huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I'm starving. We better go get some of that produce before all the good

stuff is gone.

Murphy, let's get married.

Excuse me?

You and me.

Let's do it. Let's get married.

Whoa.

Now you want to get married? Where were you five minutes ago when I was alone

and pregnant?

Now look, I'm serious.

When I thought you were pregnant, I got this picture in my head of us and Avery

and being a family and...

It seemed really right.

So why not do it anyway?

Murphy, will you marry me?

I don't know what to say.

Okay.

It's just a crazy idea. I don't know what I was thinking anyway.

Come on, what do you say we go get some of that produce now, huh?

Yes.

Yes to the produce or yes to the other thing?

Both.

What's a redneck?

Tune in for The Jeff Foxworthy Show and find out. Damn straight.

The show premieres Saturday, July 23rd with a two -hour block of four episodes

starting at 10, only on Nick at Night.